Loz

Loz
15 as of Feb 2005 - England

Notes on depression, invalidation from Nov 27 convo

Feb 2, 2006 Convo

Steve says:
hey
Loz says:
Steve
Steve says:
hi
Steve says:
i heard ur mad at me!
Loz says:
Mad is an understatement
Steve says:
nice picture btw
Steve says:
aw
Steve says:
hug
Steve says:
im sorry!
Steve says:
go on yell at me if u want
Loz says:
No hugs and i cant yell through a computer screen
Loz says:
i wanna know why u just abandoned everyone for months
Steve says:
aw
Steve says:
do u feel abandoned?
Steve says:
or have u been talking to others or what....
Loz says:
its a figure of speech, u just turned your back on everyone for ages
Loz says:
all youve done since u met me is shift me off to others so u dont have to deal with me
Steve says:
well u dont know what my life has been like, but im sorry really
Loz says:
Then tell me, how are you how is laura (yes thats right i remember your girlfriends name, bet u dont remember me tho right ) how is she now, shes been on the run from home for so long
Loz says:
what is the reason u dont bother talking to me
Steve says:
lol
Steve says:
u sound a little bitter....
Steve says:
do u feel bitter??
Loz says:
im not bitter u told me to ask so i am
Steve says:
to ask what?
Steve says:
im confused now
Loz says:
Why havent u been here steve
Loz says:
since ive met you, why havent u taken the time to get to know me and taken the time to talk to me
Steve says:
i feel kind of attacked! just for ur info, but i dont want to invalidated u either...
Loz says:
You're not attacked i just want to know why uve never bothered with me like u have everyone else
Steve says:
and i dont feel very appreciated!
Steve says:
oh..
Steve says:
well who do u mean when u say everyone else?
Loz says:
Why should u feel appreciated u never done anything for me to appreciate!!
Steve says:
lol ok
Loz says:
well u cant disagree can you
Steve says:
yep i can
Loz says:
How what have u done
Steve says:
i introduced u to Stacie
Steve says:
and someone else who i dont remember now!
Loz says:
Stacie and liz are the only two people uve bothered introducing me too
Loz says:
oh and Anna but i dont even speak to her anymore
Steve says:
ok
Steve says:
i thought there was someone else ...
Steve says:
we all three were talking one day
Steve says:
or maybe all four, but it was a long time ago
Loz says:
Look im sorry i got mad ok
Steve says:
but really i havent seen u online as much as i have seen stacie for example
Steve says:
its ok.
Loz says:
i just dont understand why you've never really taken the time to get to know me
Steve says:
i really just havent had the time
Steve says:
i havent been on and when i am its been really hectic
Loz says:
Even just dropping me an email wuda been nice
Steve says:
its nothing personal i promise
Loz says:
Obviosuly it is but that doesnt really bother me, im use to people not liking me to be honest
Steve says:
yeah but truly i just havent been on and laura has been packing her bags and walking out like every time im on the net
Steve says:
its really not personal
Steve says:
i promise
Steve says:
ive had no reason not to talk to u. theres nothing uve done
Steve says:
u never called me a dick or anything!
Loz says:
So i have to insult you befor you are going to talk to me
Steve says:
lol
Steve says:
but im sorry that u felt abandoned and forgotten and unimportant or something.....
Loz says:
or something
Steve says:
maybe rejected? pushed aside.....
Steve says:
or all of the above?
Loz says:
Look the only thing you've ever done for me is introduce me to liz and stacie other than tht uve never bothered, i hardly know jerren and hes bothered more just via emails every now and then
Steve says:
oh yeah... liz.....
Steve says:
well that is why i have been looking for people like jerren to help me!
Steve says:
its been nuts really
Steve says:
i could have ten people on line at once,. seriously
Loz says:
Even Jerren hasnt gone out of his way without being funny!!
Steve says:
theres no way i can keep up
Loz says:
ive stopped Stacie and Liz cutting themselves or killing themselves so many times ive lost count, thats not my job. im here to get help, not to do your job
Steve says:
i still feel attacked...
Steve says:
and defensive
Steve says:
how r u feeling??
Loz says:
only becoz what i am attacking you with is the truth and u cant argue the truth!!
Steve says:
but u can say it in other ways, and also tell me how u feel not attack me so much!
Loz says:
every time i ask you a question u reply with lol or dont bother answering and now i feel i need to get it all out or my head is going to explode
Steve says:
ok
Steve says:
well what can i do to help u feel better at this point?
Loz says:
Not alot
Loz says:
what ever i say seems to have no effect so why bother anymore
Steve says:
well truely i am kind of protecting myself
Steve says:
cuz i do feel attacked
Steve says:
so if i sound cold, thats why
Loz says:
yeah and i feel like u couldnt care less wether i felt suicidal or not
Steve says:
...
Steve says:
im not sure what to say
Loz says:
How about the truth. Could u care less if i topped myself, or am i one of your disposible teens? Lose one just replace her with another?
Steve says:
well ur right, i dont know u much at all, and i just cant care about someone as much if i dont know them
Steve says:
but do u want me to feel guilty or what?
Loz says:
whos fault is it u dont know me?
Steve says:
or how do u want me to feel?
Loz says:
i want u to be human and decide how u feel, u r so wrapped up in trying to shrink everyone uve forgotten about your own feelings it seems
Steve says:
what do u mean decide how i feel?
Loz says:
u asked me how i want u to feel, but then that would be false, how do YOU feel now
Loz says:
well
Steve says:
mostly just attacked and defensive and sad about what uve learned to do when u feel hurt
Steve says:
and guilt tripped a bit
Steve says:
but i feel calm and caring too
Steve says:
and willing to listen
Loz says:
ok
Steve says:
and a little guilty as charged
Steve says:
but also a bit innocent
Steve says:
more innocent cuz its really nothing personal
Steve says:
and i feel uninformed cuz i didnt know how much uve been helping the others
Steve says:
or how u have been feeling
Loz says:
no one bothers to ask how im feeling
Steve says:
u mean today or in general
Loz says:
in general
Loz says:
im too busy helping others u see
Loz says:
thats wasnt ment as an insult or a dig at you either
Steve says:
k
Steve says:
i didnt take it that way
Steve says:
so u feel uncared about and unappreciated by stacie and liz?
Loz says:
no not at all, i know they appreciate my help
Steve says:
ok well what did u mean when u said no one bothers to ask how u feel
Steve says:
who did u mean?
Loz says:
Anyone, the people i'm around every day, the people online
Steve says:
k
Steve says:
can i send a hug yet?
Loz says:
yes i dont see why not
Steve says:
ok
Steve says:
hug
Steve says:
i feel bad for u now, not so defensive
Steve says:
and really loz, i care enough about u to want to help u see that the way u were talking to me is self destructive... do u know what i mean?
Steve says:
there is this girl who told me she hates me after i spent hours trying to talk to her. then said she was sick of me blocking her... and it only makes me less likely to talk to her if i have 5 other pple online.
Steve says:
or even if i have no one on line and want to get some work done
Steve says:
no one is paying me for this, in other words i feel unappreciated sometimes and id rather talk to pple who i feel appreciated by
Steve says:
u still there???
Loz says:
i am yeh sorry i was just reading
Steve says:
k
Steve says:
how r u feeling now?
Loz says:
im alot calmer now
Steve says:
and before i forget,thanks for helping with stacie and liz
Steve says:
ok me too
Loz says:
i always would help Stacie and Liz. i really care about them i wouldnt ever wanna see them come to any harm
Steve says:
k
Steve says:
who do u most want to feel cared about by in the world
Loz says:
i already feel cared about by him, my boyfriend
Steve says:
k
Steve says:
who else?
Loz says:
i wish i felt more cared about by my mum sometimes i know she lovess me but just doesnt show it as much as she could
Steve says:
how much do u feel cared about by her from 0 to 10?
Steve says:
and how much by ur dad?
Loz says:
my dad 2 my mum 7
Loz says:
i dont live with my dad
Steve says:
k
Steve says:
so have u been feeling pretty suicidal since we talked last? ur right it was a long time ago...
Loz says:
once or twice. ive cut down the cutting myself aswell
Loz says:
i havent done it in over 2 weeks now
Steve says:
k
Steve says:
hows school been?
Loz says:
ive stopped skipping it and i go four afternoons a week now
Steve says:
why did u stop skipping?
Loz says:
Becoz i got my mum sent to court over it
Steve says:
and why were u skipping
Loz says:
becoz i hate school. i hate being there. i hate the people there
Steve says:
and did anyone from the court ask u why u were skipping?
Loz says:
no
Loz says:
they didnt ask me anyway
Steve says:
thats what i dont like about the system
Steve says:
they just enforce rules without finding out why pple dont want to go to crappy schools
Loz says:
exactly
Steve says:
they dont want to even think the schools and teachers are crap
Steve says:
how old r u now btw?
Loz says:
im 15 16 in feb
Steve says:
k
Steve says:
ur smart loz
Steve says:
i thought u were older
Steve says:
u sound way older
Loz says:
ive had to grow up quickly
Steve says:
how come
Loz says:
Rocky childhood
Steve says:
like....
Loz says:
My dad is a drunk
Loz says:
Caused problems for me growing up
Steve says:
oh
Steve says:
yeah i imagine
Steve says:
like what stuff was the worst that he did
Loz says:
he use to be violent and was just a regular ass
Steve says:
did he hit u?
Loz says:
sometimes
Loz says:
Not often but when he did he made it count
Steve says:
k
Steve says:
did u think u deserved it ever?
Loz says:
No i did nothing wrong i was just a kid
Steve says:
k
Steve says:
did he hit ur mom?
Loz says:
once
Steve says:
did social services ever get involved
Loz says:
no
Loz says:
never wanted them too, their all wankers
Loz says:
lol
Steve says:
k
Steve says:
how come u say they are wankers?!
Loz says:
They dont deal with situations well! Theyre useful for the kids tht really need them but they cud handle some matters a bit better i think
Steve says:
like how could they handle things better?
Loz says:
be a bit more sensitive. i dont like the way they drag some kids out of their homes and dont explain why
Steve says:
what else?
Loz says:
the way they walk aroud in suits and carry clip boards its very intimidating to a kid, they shud just wear jeans and tshirt and just be humans rather than being like robots
Steve says:
lol
Steve says:
good point
Steve says:
hey is it okay if i make a page on u?
Loz says:
yeh sure as long as u show me
Loz says:
dont put about what ive told u about my past on it though please
Steve says:
like what about ur past?
Steve says:
i wanted to put this convo on....
Steve says:
can u edit the bits out u dont want on?
Loz says:
i dont want anything about my child hood and my dad and stuff on there
Steve says:
but thats kind of important...
Steve says:
how come u dont want it on?
Steve says:
its really important actually....
Loz says:
couldnt u just put that i had a unstable child hood and leave it there, i am a private person i dont like people knowing too much about me
Steve says:
well it helps others to know that ur dad drank and hit u and ur mom, cuz it ties into the part about social services too
Steve says:
but i can give u a different name if u want
Loz says:
i dont want people to know its me if u r putting that on there
Steve says:
ok how can we do it then? just make up a name?
Steve says:
and like u dont want stacie and liz to know?
Loz says:
they know small parts but i dont like too many people knowing my business
Steve says:
ok do u want me to take out their names then?
Loz says:
yes i dont want my name or anyone elses mentioned
Steve says:
ok ur making this hard to edit! can u help me out with the editing?
Steve says:
and do u feel guilty? lol
Loz says:
No i dont feel guilty lol
Steve says:
ok darn
Loz says:
how about u just put the bit about the social services on there and just add tht i had an unstable child hood but dont add the bit about my father etc
Steve says:
i want to put the part on about u attacking me
Steve says:
lol is that okay?
Loz says:
yes
Steve says:
ok
Steve says:
thank u for your kind cooperation
Steve says:
lol
Loz says:
no worries, theres nothing about me on your website is there?
Loz says:
yet
Steve says:
no theres nothing on about u i dont think but ill check now
Loz says:
ok
Steve says:
the only thing is this from jerrens page
Steve says:
p.s. i sent an e-mail to loz (the 15-year-old girl from england who cuts). i'm still waiting for a response. i also sent a message with my background information to you on sunday. not sure if you got it yet. i can send it again if necessary. i'd tell you more about me if i knew what else to say!

Loz says:
okies
Loz says:
Ok to save editing you could just change my name and then u can put what u like on there
Loz says:
Where are you gong to copy the conversation to
Steve says:
brb
Loz says:
ok
Steve says:
well here is what i just did for this girl named helen
http://eqi.org/helen.htm
Steve says:
i would do the same thing with this convo.
Loz says:
Why do the names have dice after them
Steve says:
cuz that is "says" in spanish
Loz says:
ooh i see
Steve says:
lol
Loz says:
does hellen have a page all about her
Steve says:
just that page i showed u now
Loz says:
ok thats cool
Loz says:
Yeah you can do that with this convo just change my name
Steve says:
who do u want to be
Loz says:
Actually fuck it u can put me on as me and u dont have to edit anything but can i see the page befor u show anyone else?
Steve says:
lol
Steve says:
ok
Loz says:
makes lives easier then
Steve says:
a lot easier!
Steve says:
i just kicked the power cord and lost the whole convo!
Steve says:
can u send it to me?

Notes on depression, invalidation from Nov 27 convo

Loz and I were talking about my writing on depression from Nov 27. Then we had this convo..

steve dice:
do u get depressed like that, like u cant even get up?

...Loz... [x]Tutto accade per un motivo...[x] dice:
yes but i get told its feeling sorry for myself, and there is nothing wrong with me

steve dice:
who tells u that?

...Loz... [x]Tutto accade per un motivo...[x] dice:
my mum, my sister. they just say im making everyone else miserable and to stop feeling sorry for myself....
when i feel so low i cant get up for school i just pretend i was really tired and didnt wake up in time

steve dice:
hug

...Loz... [x]Tutto accade per un motivo...[x] dice:
hug
...Loz... [x]Tutto accade per un motivo...[x] dice:
thanks

steve dice:
how do u feel when they tell u to stop feeling sorry for urself?
...Loz... [x]Tutto accade per un motivo...[x] dice:
hurt

Loz had never heard of invalidation before. It is not something they teach in schools. So I showed her my page on invalidation and give it a good read so she will be more aware of what is happening to her.