|July 22 - What I like/love about Crystal -
She is sensitive. She is intelligent. She is
understanding. I used to call her "Miss
Understanding". She is caring. She is a fast
learner, she is funny, she is dramatic, she is
emotionally intelligent, she is sassy, she is a
smart ass sometimes, she is strong, she is a
survivor, she has remembered me all these years,
she says I love you to me. She lets me say I love
you to her. She has answered a lot of my
questions, even when she was feeling defensive.
She can admit when she feels defensive, at least
most of the time. I like that she likes the sound
of my voice. I like that she had enough
self-confidence to send me a recent picture of
her. I like that she hasn't rejected me because
of how I look, or my beliefs, or my neediness or
my age. I like that she seems to really want to
hold me, hug me. We have never met btw. But I
have known her a long time online.
almost stopped talking to each other. It has been
difficult. We are both in a lot of pain. We both
have been for a long, long time. I will meet her
if she wants to meet me. She has not been ready
to yet. When she is ready, I will meet her.Or
maybe she won't ever be ready. I don't want her
to feel so pressured by me. So little understood.
I want her to feel understood by me more than she
feels now. I want her to feel cared about. I
think she does feel cared about - probably we are
ok on that. But I don't think she feels very
accepted. It hurts me too much to accept what is
happening to her, to accept what has happened,
without trying to do someting to change things.
I, like usual, have been trying too hard. And I
almost destroyed our relationship. But in the
past two days she has sent me short messages
saying she loves me. I think it is more that she
needs me, but still that is ok for me right now.
I feel more needed than loved. I don't know how
she feels. She is very good at saying the
"right thing" as Priscilla called it.
Or giving the "right answer." But now I
would say we have come to a point where more is
needed than just words. Nice sounding words.
Or maybe that will have to be enough for me if
I want to keep our communication going. It feels
nice to hear her say ilu or actually to read it.
I feel fairly self-protecctive. I don't want to
hear her voice - not like I did with x who sent
me some voice recordings last year. Or y who also
sent me some voice recordings. Steff used to say
my voice comforted her. Someonee else later said
they could understand that. But my voice can also
be scary. I can yell and swear and be verbally
aggressive and verbally violent and verbally
abusive. I'd like to somehow erase those tapes,
that part of my programming and
"education" as Rosenberg calls it. But
anyhow I mostly just wanted to let Crystal know I
was thinking of her and know some things I like
and love about her.
Jult 21 http://eqi.org/p1/criticism-of-the-psychology-business.htm
Journal Writing - July 2017 - coming soon....
Started page for people who have mothers so
bad they find themselves saying say "I hate my mother"
I have also started a forum on the topic of
"I hate my mother"