Steve Hein's EQI.org

July 22 - What I like/love about Crystal - She is sensitive. She is intelligent. She is understanding. I used to call her "Miss Understanding". She is caring. She is a fast learner, she is funny, she is dramatic, she is emotionally intelligent, she is sassy, she is a smart ass sometimes, she is strong, she is a survivor, she has remembered me all these years, she says I love you to me. She lets me say I love you to her. She has answered a lot of my questions, even when she was feeling defensive. She can admit when she feels defensive, at least most of the time. I like that she likes the sound of my voice. I like that she had enough self-confidence to send me a recent picture of her. I like that she hasn't rejected me because of how I look, or my beliefs, or my neediness or my age. I like that she seems to really want to hold me, hug me. We have never met btw. But I have known her a long time online.

We have almost stopped talking to each other. It has been difficult. We are both in a lot of pain. We both have been for a long, long time. I will meet her if she wants to meet me. She has not been ready to yet. When she is ready, I will meet her.Or maybe she won't ever be ready. I don't want her to feel so pressured by me. So little understood. I want her to feel understood by me more than she feels now. I want her to feel cared about. I think she does feel cared about - probably we are ok on that. But I don't think she feels very accepted. It hurts me too much to accept what is happening to her, to accept what has happened, without trying to do someting to change things. I, like usual, have been trying too hard. And I almost destroyed our relationship. But in the past two days she has sent me short messages saying she loves me. I think it is more that she needs me, but still that is ok for me right now. I feel more needed than loved. I don't know how she feels. She is very good at saying the "right thing" as Priscilla called it. Or giving the "right answer." But now I would say we have come to a point where more is needed than just words. Nice sounding words.

Or maybe that will have to be enough for me if I want to keep our communication going. It feels nice to hear her say ilu or actually to read it. I feel fairly self-protecctive. I don't want to hear her voice - not like I did with x who sent me some voice recordings last year. Or y who also sent me some voice recordings. Steff used to say my voice comforted her. Someonee else later said they could understand that. But my voice can also be scary. I can yell and swear and be verbally aggressive and verbally violent and verbally abusive. I'd like to somehow erase those tapes, that part of my programming and "education" as Rosenberg calls it. But anyhow I mostly just wanted to let Crystal know I was thinking of her and know some things I like and love about her.

Jult 21 http://eqi.org/p1/criticism-of-the-psychology-business.htm

Journal Writing - July 2017 - coming soon....

Started page for people who have mothers so bad they find themselves saying say "I hate my mother"

I have also started a forum on the topic of "I hate my mother"

 
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Feb 20 - Thinking about movie Buck. Did some searches on one of the places used in the movie sullivanfarmhanoverians.com and then found a site selling horses. Here is a search I did to see how many horses were for sale over 50,000

horseclicks.com....