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|May 24 - Met some interesting people
at the hostel in Sao Paolo. Fernando, Ana, and Herbert
Here is what a teen wrote me when she read my last entry.. > Steve, I have just read the homepage on your website on how much you are missing P. Sorry but to me it sounds like you find everything painful. Everyone misses someone not just you, and they don't talk about how painful it is, you just have to not over exaggerate and sort of get used to it because if you keep feeling sorry for yourself and not look out for the positive things in life you will always find everything painful. And that's not the point in life. We have to be grateful for our current situation. I still love my mum eventhough according to you she is "emotionally abusive", well she could be worse, atleast she loves me.
- this is one of the reasons I missP :)
I appreciate Priscilla more with time. I learned so much from her. I predict that I will have more to learn from her.
I feel thankful for my ability to learn from painful things. For my ability to "read" people. For my sensitivity. The teen who wrote ms is from England btw. Which reminds me of my lbtb article. And of Laura or Jen. Someone called me a guru today.
I felt valued for a while. It was a nice feeling. Then I didn't feel valued or important later in the day, but it was not as painful as it would have been on other occasions. I believe I have a lot of value to humanity. I believe I can offer people a lot. On this trip I have already offered a lot to several people. My plan now is to just keep offering myself, my ideas to people. Then stay around a while if I feel valued or keep moving if I don't.
I would like to go out tonight, to visit more hostels, to meet more people, to offer myself/my ideas to more people but I feel afraid to travel around Sao Paulo. So I will try to use my time locked here in this city prison productively.
BTW the last message I sent to the teen who wrote me was "I am nt well enough too reply". These two words are on my mind right now: Empathy Invalidation. P would understand. I am thinking of writing "I am searching for someone like P" but I am afraid to search. It is painful to search and keep ending up in a dead end path of the labyrinth. I am not sure if there is a way out of the l. Maybe the way out is death. This was a very interesting place to stay for one night. Now I am ready to leave but I have already stayed past the check out time so I would have to pay here or have a big conflict and I would have to travel to another hostel with the metro, busses or taxi or something which I am afraid to do. A was talking to her lawyer. I asked if I could listen. Later I went upstairs. F was sitting there doing something on his computer. Now I am back in my expensive cell. lol hug to p if she is reading this. I want to be ready if P and I ever meet again. I feel a little unprepared so I feel a need to prepare myself. I need to be less needy, less in pain, more "full" or "srrong" so I can be a better listener. I feel guilty I haven't been a good listener. But I believe it is possible for me to improve. And I feel pretty confident that I am still the best listener P knows. And the person who cares about her the most. I have an interesting life. haha. Sarah found it interesting when she was a teen prisoner. lol. P found it interesting I think when she was a teen prisoner. I still find it interesting. lol I am easily self-amused. Always have been. I find people amusing, painful. Now I feel more amused than pained. I feel so much more aware than others I meet. I come across as arrogant to a lot of people. *sigh. Not sure if P ever thought that. A big mosquito just flew in. Mosquitoes remind me of P. So many things do.
The teen who wrote me is 15 I am pretty sure. So it wasn't necessary to make the teen prison law 18. 15 would have worked for most of the resources. But the people who passed the law, being so insecure, added a few extra years for extra security. It was a very smart law to pass.
Ana and I talked about the law today, and changing it and couchsurfing. I would like to talk to her now but she is doing something more important. lol She is meeting with a lawyer. She told me that in Brazil they have a law that says parents must pay for a resources's expenses up till age 24 if that resource is studying. lol That is also a clever law. It reminds me though of the law they passed in China that says you have to visit your parents in the nursing home. lol. P would understand. It seems only P would understand. And sorry to people who don't like to read about my pain, but it is painful to think that P isn't interested in these kinds of things anymore. Idk if she is or not since we aren't talking. So thank you again Angela. But actually in a very small way I do thank her because I am more free now. I am probably the most free person you know. I feel alone but it is not an excruciating, suicidal, tear producing kind of pain. I believe I am a "guru" though I don't market myself as one. Or have my picture everywhere on my site etc. I suspect a real guru wouldn't either.
I did something I don't usually do today. I showed some people my website.
I have learned while traveling that it is usually better for me not to show it to people. I feel sad about that. P would understand that too. There are so many things that P would understand, both because she read so much of my site and because she spent so much time with me. About 4.5 years in case you don't know. In case you didn't know, and you probably didn't because I don't think I ever wrote this, when P met me she had just moved away from home. She wasn't planning to go back. She told me later she had planned to kill herself if things didn't work out with me. So in a way I feel helpful or something that she is still alive. In a way I feel a bit used, like a stepping stone, as my mother called Galina, the smart Russian girl who I helped stay in the USA. I helped her stay by marrying her. In appreciation she tried to take as much money from me as she could when we got divorced. lol
P never really wanted my money but in the end she did kind of take about 5,000 dollars which I had transfrered into her account once. I sort of thought it would be "our" money as much as "her" money and at the time I felt pretty safe that if I had needed it or "we" had needed it, it would be there for us to us. But it seems she has used it on Angela now.
So, yeah, I am not too thrilled with that. But probably I will still die with money in the bank and chances are good that if I could, I would leave it to P to use it to do things that hurt me. *sigh. But by then I would be dead and I don't believe in pain after death haha. That is the attractive thing about death, isn't it? Perhaps you don't know if you have never felt suicidal. I am thankful I have. So I can help those who are. see x2 about spirituality if I ever write it.
There was a line from one of Hesse's books, I think it was Siddhartha. It was something like it is a sad moment when you realize you have to leave your master/guru. I wonder if P has realized that or if she just got robbed. I am not sure how much she feels in control of her life these days. I feel very unsure of how she might feel about wanting to work on our relationship as they say. Our relationship needs a lot of work. I am willing to put time into it, on certain conditions, so to speak. Like that we talk in person for as much time as I need. IE till I am satisfied.
The amount of time you voluntarily want to spend with someone says a lot. Or at least it does to me. I use it as an indicator of how much people value me.
Thoreau apparently wrote about how wonderful it was to spend time alone. This was quoted by what's his name.. John Taylor Gatto. (who p wasn't very impressed with - so for P if she is reading this.. it seems he was at least a bit religious and a god believer, so you were right again haha let's say. His writing also started to annoy me as I was reading his book. ) but anyhow, Gatto quoted Thoreau when he wrote back to a guy on school survival named murk scribe apparently, per Soulriser.
i dont agree with thoreau and i think he said it when he found how alone he was to help him feel less pain from feeling alone. i would much rather not be alone. id like to be in the same hostel as p right now and be able to go over to her room. talk, hug and fall asleep next to her. i miss sleeping next to her. i miss talking to her. i miss getting her input on things, like on gabor mate.
Anyhow I will see what sr is up to in our chat window that we have been keeping open. SR doesnt read my site but we talk there nearly every day a bit. Just kind of keeping a line of communication open I guess you could say. Maybe I will propose that to P but it would be painful if she didn't want to. So I won't. The wound it still too fresh. The cut too deep as they say. I never cut myself, as P did. But we could say that I feel cut by P. I suppose she also feels cut by me. I am not sure how much pain she has felt when reading my mails to her. I am too embarrassed/ashamed of them to put them here. I show some of them to Faith. But I don't really have an "enlightened witness" to share my pain with. I definitely wouldnt call the UK teen an enlightened witneess, as P would immediately understand. And she is the only one who wrote anything about my last entry. *sigh. oh well as they say. I feel more prepared to meet P again, but not fully prepared. And I feel more prepared to handle rejection, as they say and feeling unimportant and unvalued.
I don't know if anyone will ever see it, see me. I can't predict and don't have a crystal ball as they say. I felt seen last night and early this morning as we talked and talked from like 11 pm till like 7:30 pm. But today, right now I feel more invisible, let's say.
I feel pretty ok with my plan. Just keep offering myself, my ideas. And keep moving. It is painful to be around people who don't value me, my ideas. The nice thing about traveling is that you can get away from them very quickly. And literally never have to see them again. There are people in your life who you meet that stay with you. P has been one of those people for me,, at least until now. I could forget her if I had a replacement for her. But so far I don't. And I think if I ever saw her again and she were in pain, or even if she wrote to me and she were in pain, I would feel pain. I never felt so much empathy for anyone else. I "dated" or slept with or had sex with or whatever you want to call it with so many females but honestly can't remember feeling empathy for them or pain when they were in pain. lol yeah. wow. as they say. as some say or w/e as Steff said. lol.
Steff also stopped reading my website, at around 15 while being successfully domesticated in my favorite country. lol The USA is a close second. That is a hint in case you aren't sure which is my favorite country. lol
And we might say Peru, oh how I miss it, is in third place. lol
An interesting thing was that Ana really likes Uruguay.....
Ana is already interested in politics. She wants to study political science. She is using the laywer to help force her biological parents to pay for everyting she is accustomed to pretty much, including going to the beauty salon I guess lol. (I am not making this up).... *sigh x3
|May 23/24 (around midnight) - Missing
Priscilla so much it is painful. Hope is about all i have
keeping me going. IE from not acting on suicidal
feelings. For example the hope she will want to spend
time with me again. ie value me again, important me
again. need me again. maybe she needs me now but it
doesn't seem like it. i dont feel very needed. but i do
feel needed. and unable tohelp in the way she needs my
help. because it is too painful. like, will u help me do
things that hurt u?
Nenhum resultado encontrado para "will you help me do things that hurt you".
Nenhum resultado encontrado para "would you help someone do things that hurt you".
Maybe love is when you would help someone do things that hurt you.
Sarah said "I see you are still using your sie to manipulate people" - Would it be manipulation if iI wrote about Priscilla here? \Knowing she was reading it? Right now I don't know if she is reading my site. I have mixed feelings about wanting to know whether she is or not. It would be painful to know she is and painful to know she isn't. As I wrote a long time ago Priscilla =pain. So pain is teaching me. \again. and again. and again. i wonder what grade pain would give me i want someone to grade me. i want someone to tell me .... you are learning. u are a good student. u are one of the best. or you are the best. it was taught to me that i needed to be one of the best or the best to get approval, acceptance i guess. idk idont fucking know.what would i have been like without a) growing up in the usa b) growing up in the usa c) growing up in the usa. or let's say being damaged in the usa, damaged by the american, british, jewish, christian cometitive, violent, abusive culture./cultures
idea for survey - how much do you feel ___ by your boyfriend?
- accepted, understood, cared about...
thought of this when thinking of ash... and his partner/fianceť.
i am worried about their relationship. i feel unsatisfied with what i shared with him or "taught" him.
i would like to write about ash... i would like to feel more "connected" to him - connected is a very overused word now... x1
|here is some of what i just wrote to p
if ur interested..... i wrote about u/us a bit today on the home page
i dont want to lose u anymore than i have. i feel sure i am pushing u farther and farther away which is painful to realize.
there is so much i want to talk to u about
i want time with u not only to feel important but also because i know there is so much to talk about. i dont know if u want to feel more accepted by me, more understood. more cared about less judged - idk what u want and that hurts
this communication break down is painful
but hearing from u is painful as well as not hearing from u is painful
so that is where i am - today - whatever day it is... may something 23 i think. 2015
|May 22 - In Rock n Hostel in Porto
Alegre Brazil. Last night had long convo with Ash who had
been to my hostel in Montenegro. He remembered me when I
started talking about the work I have done with depressed
teens. We talked a lot about alternative communites,
Priscilla etc. Here is his soundcloud https://soundcloud.com/search?q=Transiting%20Ash. I am pretty sure Faith makes music on SC. I
asked A if F could write him and he said sure.
Pain from seeing that I had a typo on my May 10 entry and no one pointed it out to me. It is corrected now. Here is the search from google in Brazi
Nenhum resultado encontrado para "the importance of empathy in government". ha ha
I am flying out of Sao Paulo on May 28- going to Europe. \See May 10.
"the importance of empathy in government" - no results found in Google when I searched today.
I am preparing for my trip to Europe.
|May 8 - I will be in Europe between May 27 and Aug 12. I would like to meet some people who are interestd in my work and give some talks and workshops. If you can help or would like to meet, please let me know. Steve|
On my mind -
College Suicides - I read an article about Ian Smith-Christmas who was kicked out of his university when he went to their counseling staff to get help. His sister wrote that she wished she had never told him to talk to the university counselors. I have read about this kind of thing before and it reminds me of how I was treated when I reported what Maurice Garnier did to me. The university was more interested in protecting itself than in the students.
Is this German Judge a goverbully?
Four Years in Prison for Homeschooling?