Steve Hein's


Questions that can change your life and bring peace to the world.

How am I feeling? What do I need?

How are you feeling? What do you need?

Feb 25 - see below table for some new notes

Table of Contents    



Caring vs. Control

Common "Negative" or Painful Feelings

Conflict Resolution

Cutting, Self Harm


Education - Alternative education reading list

Emotional Abuse

Emotionally Abusive Mothers

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Literacy

Emotional Needs

Emotional Support

Emotionally Intelligent Alternative Society


Feeling Words

Free PDFs From EQI

Hein Painful Emotions Technique




Letters from the Unloved Book

Library & Bookstore



Mail from Readers

Needs vs. Rights



Personal Growth




Steve's Personal Stories from Around the World

Teen Suicide



Here is a more complete list of topics


Latest writing and new files

Feb 20 - Thinking about movie Buck. Did some searches on one of the places used in the movie and then found a site selling horses. Here is a search I did to see how many horses were for sale over 50,000



Feb 25

In a small town in Brazil In a lot of pain right now. Just took pics of the breakfast table.. I think of the breakfasts in Germany and Belgium and the film where to invade next - showing the school lunches in france.

there is a very over-weight couple here in the breakfast room

today is the first day of carnival in brazill - a huge distractino. they need distraction from all the pain here

it is hard to write now. i want/need to talk to someone.....................................


8:46 am now i am going to go pay for one more night in this hotel. to a woman who has seen me 3 times this morning and not smiled.....

when i asked how she was ayer she said "fine" so i wont ask her again.... i am scared of her. she did smile once ayer.

from Minecratt entry in wiki

weapons such as swords can be crafted to kill enemies and other animals more easily.


Here is part of a chat...

this is the son of the largest employer in a small town in Brazil

Hey paul
Sorry for not answering u
I had a terrible hangover yesterday
I spent all they long sleeping
Now I'm on the bus heading to

hey x
it's ok. thanks for your apology. i accept it
i feel encouraged to hear from u.this is the son of the largest employer in a small town in Brazil


"does god want us to wear jewelry"

2 resulrts

i searched this because i have seen so many jewelry stores in ___ brazil where I am now
and because a FIAT (my own acronym haha) works in her mother's clothing and jewelry store - and plays league of legends instead of working for me or talking to me. one night i told her i needed to talk to someone intelligent and she said she couln't meet me for 15 minutes - later she said she was staying home to play league of legends.

Rosenberg's original said "jackal" instead of "sensitive person"

So how do you respond to this person "I'm afraid of becoming a burden." Now, if you were a sensitive person you would say: "No, you wouldn't be a burden!"

So, If you are a sensitive person you would try to reassure. Sensitive people try to fix people in pain. They try to give reassurance, they try to make it better, they can't stand pain.

They immediately make matters worse by trying to get rid of the pain.

In the book 'When Bad Things Happen to Good People' by rabbi Harold Krushner, he's talking about a very tragic time in his life, when his oldest son is dying.

And he said: "What could be worse than watching my son die?

What could be worse were the things that good people were telling me to make me feel better, that made me feel worse."

And what could be even more horrible than that? What they were doing... what they were saying that made me feel worse were exactly the things I had been saying to other people for 20 years in my role as a rabbi."

He had been responding by trying to make it better. So we don't want to do that now. This is an important message:

"Well I'm afraid that I'll be a burden." So, put on giraffe ears. What is this person feeling and needing when they say that? - "Are you feeling...

- Afraid. They've already told you the feeling, that's easy. So, afraid...

So you're feeling afraid because why? Why are they afraid? - "...that you don't trust my offer to help?"

- Now put that in a need. "You need some reassurance..." - "...that I'll really be there"?

- No. "I need reassurance that if you're there, you're doing it for you and not for me."

See? They want to be sure that if you're giving, you're giving out of self-fullness, not selflessness.

this is from around the 1 hour 49 minute mark of this video


I replaced "jackal" with Jess


M is Rosenberg

M to audience

There is a lot more pain in there that she needs empathy for, before she can hear your sadness, so...

M to Jess

"Jess, am I hearing you that for you the real painful issue here is not being confident that your needs matter.


My needs have never mattered in any relationship, not in my family and not now!


- Oh. So what's real painful is for you to feel that your needs matter and this has been going on a long time.

- Yes! Yes! I've done everything I can, I've told him over and over again!

M - So you do everything you know how and when your needs still don't get responded to, it really hurts?


M to audience

Now, see, it hasn't been easy for me to give Jess empathy.

I was wanting to jump in and educate her, "but the way you're asking for it, Jess, I think is gonna make it hard for people to give it to you, see?"

I wanted to say that almost every time, so I had to take a deep breath and realize empathic connection before education.

Here is something an 18 year old in south america told me. She works in her mother's jewelry store. She learned English on her own. She has purple hair :) -
She is studying to be a doctor.

I cry a lot because there are many things I need to do but I feel so stressed I can't do anything


Here is the message i just left her

by the way - i wanted to tell u that it helps me just to talk to someone and tell them how i am feeling when i am feeling stressed, worried, sad etc.
so if u ever feel any of that, id really like to just be here to listen to u.

it seems u felt a little uncomfortable seeing me when i stopped by ur mom's shop. so i don't want to "stalk" you. but i would like to talk to u more if u agree. i really like to help people (and i need help in the form of people listening to me - and i remember u said u consider urself a good listener) -- so anyhow id really like to help u just by listening and sending u a hug - if u want one.

ive learned so much about listening from listening to teenagers with problems. and in paying attention to how people listen or dont listen to me.

also, i wanted to say i suspect u might feel bad cuz ur not able to help me as much as i'd like u to. so i wanted to say that just keeping in touch will mean a lot to me.

and just in case priscilla is reading this, i want to say im thinking about u a lot... i regret not being able to talk this way to u. rosenberg said some stuff .. that is too painful for me to write now, thatreminded me of what i did wrong with hurts that i cant talk to u about his video. u would have so much to say about it.... i still miss u in a painful way. really painful...  
one idea for teaching more english - video tape classes, convo groups.