Invalidation

Introduction

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it.

Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. In fact, one definition of the so-called "borderline personality disorder" is "the normal response of a sensitive person to an invalidating environment" (2)

Psychiatrist R.D. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. He found that when one's feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even they are perfectly mentally healthy. (Reference)

Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) (Reference)

Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but that we are fundamentally abnormal. This implies that there is something wrong with us because we aren't like everyone else; we are strange; we are different; we are weird.

None of this feels good, and all of it damages us. The more different from the mass norm a person is, for example, more intelligent or more sensitive, the more he is likely to be invalidated. When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities.

Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality.

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile. A good guideline is:

First accept the feelings, then address the behavior.

One the great leaders in education, Haim Ginott, said this:

Primum non nocere- First do no harm. Do not deny your teenager's perception. Do not argue with his experience. Do not disown his feelings.

We regularly invalidate others because we ourselves were, and are often invalidated, so it has become habitual. Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:

We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
We are ignored
We are judged
We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel

You Can't Heal an Emotional Wound with Logic

People with high IQ and low EQ tend to use logic to address emotional issues. They may say, "You are not being rational. There is no reason for you to feel the way you do. Let's look at the facts." Businesses, for example, and "professionals" are traditionally out of balance towards logic at the expense of emotions. This tends to alienate people and diminish their potential.

Actually, all emotions do have a basis in reality, and feelings are facts, fleeting though they may be. But trying to dress an emotional wound, with logic tends to either confuse, sadden or infuriate a person. Or it may eventually isolate them from their feelings, with a resulting loss of major part of their natural intelligence.

Remember:

You can't solve an emotional problem, or heal an emotional wound, with logic alone.

There are many forms of invalidation. Most of them are so insidious that we don't even know what is happening. We know that something doesn't feel good, but we sometimes can't put our finger on it. We have been conditioned to think that invalidation is "normal." Indeed, it is extremely common, but it is certainly not healthy.

I have heard parents and teachers call children:

dramatic, crybabies, whiners, whingers, too sensitive, worry warts, drama queens

I have also heard them say things like: "He cries at the drop of a hat." One teacher said "When she starts to cry, I just ignore her and eventually she stops." Another said, "When one kid's crying is disrupting the lesson, I tell them to go cry in the hall till they can pull themselves back together again."

All these labels and statements are invalidating and do emotional harm to children and sensitive teens and adults.

Our world will be a safer place when we learn to stop invalidating one another.

Core Components of EQI.org

Respect | Empathy
Caring | Listening
Understanding

Free PDF on Invalidation

Other EQI.org Topics:

Emotional Literacy
Invalidation | Hugs
Emotional Abuse |
Feeling Words
Depression |Education
Emotional Intelligence
Parenting | Personal Growth

Search EQI.org | Support EQI.org

EQI.org Library and Bookstore

Hearing "Don't worry" Worries Me

When I am worried about something and I tell someone who is involved in the situation and they say "Don't worry," I actually feel more worried. This is because I can tell they don't take me and my feelings very seriously. I see that they are not going to do anything to help prevent what it is that I am worried about.

For example, let's say I am traveling with someone and I say I am afraid someone could come into our room and steal my laptop computer if they keep leaving the door unlocked. If they tell me "don't worry", then I am more worried, because they are not taking my fear seriously and they may just keep leaving the door unlocked. Besides worrying about my laptop getting stolen, I am now also worried about traveling with someone who invalidates me.

S. Hein

Free PDF on Invalidation

Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

"Ordering" You to Feel Differently

Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Don't take it personally / Stop taking everything so personally

Ordering You to "Look" Differently

Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.

Denying Your Perception, Defending

You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen

Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You

I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (Source)

Trying to Isolate You

You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

Minimizing Your Feelings

You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (Source)

Using Reason

There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....

Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act

You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.

Defending The Other Person

Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.

Negating, Denial & Confusion

Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)

Sarcasm and Mocking

Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?

Laying Guilt Trips

Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?

Philosophizing Or Clichés

That's life.
Shit happens.
That's life and we just have to deal with it.

Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
There is a reason for everything
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.

Talking about you when you can hear it

She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.

Showing Intolerance

This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.

Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It

Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago.
You should be over that by now.

Explanations

Maybe it is because...
That is because
Of course, because you.... (This one hurts four ways. First, the "of course" minimizes what you feel, second the "because" explains what you feel, as if explaining it nullifies the feeling, third the "you" blames you and fourth, blaming you is a form of attack which is likely to make you feel either defensive or guilt-tripped or both.)

Here is another example

------

Even when we are happy, unhappy people want to ruin it for us by saying diminishing things like: What are you so happy about? That's it? That's all you are so excited about?

There was an expression I heard when I was growing up. It was "Who put a quarter in you?" A quarter is a 25 cent coin in the USA. It was a coin which was once enough to start music in a juke box. So the implication was the person was acting abnormally happy, excited, lively etc.

Summary

When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy.

This is especially possible when one person has long-term power or influence over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, spiritual leader/follower, boss/employee, husband/wife. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage.

The more sensitive the person, the more serious the damage of invalidation. Invalidation undermines self-confidence because it causes self-doubt. This in turn further diminishes self-esteem.

Invalidation is serious violation of one's "true self." Repeated invalidation may be one of the worst crimes one person can commit against another without ever lifting a finger against them. And yet, it is neither illegal, "immoral" nor even widely recognized as a problem.

A person with well-developed emotional intelligence, a healthy set of emotional skills, empathy, and a healthy self-esteem will rarely invalidate another person's feelings, especially not the feelings of a sensitive child.

Invalidation, Suicide

Here is a letter we received:

I grew up with a single mom who read and shared self-help books. The Power of Positive Thinking was a big one at the time. She would have me read to her while she made dinner. We read books by smart people – doctors, spiritual leaders, researcher, experts, etc. - people with more experience who were passing on their knowledge so that we could live a little smarter, maybe a little easier. Isn’t that why we read? Isn’t that why I’m reading your site? To learn more about something I know very little about from someone who is more knowledgeable than I? So I learned many things:

Mom’s mantra when we were upset was “You can choose to be happy or choose to be sad, either way is a choice”. Who wants to choose to be sad? I do believe we have the power over our thoughts. We have the power to change our thoughts. I believe in being mindful of our feelings, and expressing them unless it would be harmful to someone else in which case, find a safe outlet – write, paint, maybe vent to a listening friend. I believe no other person can MAKE you feel a certain way unless you let them. If I’m feeling stressed I try some different relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, turning up the radio super loud and singing in the car or dancing at home, count my blessings, or simply look at the beauty of the world around me. I know these things, but sometimes I forget and get carried away by my emotions too. So I give myself a time-out, I nurture my inner whiny child or nurse my wounds, allow myself to feel self-pity, then I remind myself how many blessings I have and try to do better. Sometimes it feels as though as a parent life is so overwhelming and there is too much for one person to do. During those times I have to focus on one thing at a time, ask for help if I can, try to do it well, and accept some things just won’t happen as ideally as I’d like.

As a parent I want to teach my kids these things I’ve learned. So when they felt bad or angry I tried to help them find a way to make themselves feel better. I didn’t think I was telling them what they were feeling was wrong, I thought I was passing on what I had learned. Things such as: When you find yourself thinking a negative thought –“I’ll never… I’m not… No one…” – turn it around and say the opposite – “I will… I am… One or many…”. Break difficult tasks into smaller ones. Or how about not dwelling on the things you can’t change, focus on those things in your control? Sometimes the only way to get past a bad thing is to forget it and move on. Oh yeah and my favorite because it's served me well: Don't take everything personally. SOMETIMES IT’S REALLY NOT ABOUT YOU. MOST OF THE TIME IT’S NOT!!! Apparently I’ve been going at it all wrong and instead of helping my children I’ve been invalidating their feelings to the point that one is cutting and suicidal and the other can’t wait to get as far away from me as possible. It would seem the only course of action now is to keep my mouth shut lest I make everything worse, let the therapist do all the talking, and keep buying Neosporin. I swear I want to just shout out “WHAT THE F**K??”

I was going to end it there, but I’d like to know, when did cutting become so popular? What did we do before cutting? Is it taking the place drugs? Or unsafe sex? Drinking? I’ve seen the heartbreaking pics all over tumblr and the internet of kids with blades and bleeding legs and arms and I wonder if there’s a link to social media and cutting? How can kids even do it? Truly, God, …what the f**k?

Sad, Confused, Scared Mom

Stories about Invalidation The Invalidating Couple I met someone once who said her boyfriend was jealous. I asked if he was able to say directly that he is jealous. She said yes. I asked him what she said in reply. She said she tells him he has no reason to be jealous! Later this same person said she felt disrespected when he walks in front of her. I asked what she thought he might say if she said, "I feel a little disrespected when you walk in front of me." She said he would probably say, "That is totally absurd!" These are two highly intelligent people, and both university graduates. They are highly skilled in debating facts, but untrained, uneducated and unskilled in listening and showing understanding.
Heaps of fun! One day in Australia I decided to try hang gliding. I went up with an instructor, floated and flew above the waves and coastline for about 20 minutes, then landed on the sand. His wife was there to meet us so she could drive us back up to the top of the hill. Their son, about 8 years old, was with her. As the four of us were standing there a woman named Sue came up with a big smile on her face. She gave a warm hello to the couple, then asked the boy, "How's school, mate?" With a troubled look on his young face, the boy quietly said, "Not good." In response Sue exclaimed, sounding surprised and incredulous, "Not good!? I bet it is heaps of fun." Then she turned her attention back to the boy's parents. They started talking about some of their friends, smiling and laughing. Meanwhile all three of them completely ignored the boy. But I watched him. I watched his head drop. I watched his face change. I watched him turn away from the group. I watched him take a few steps, then just stand there, alone. I still find it hard to believe that anyone could miss a child's reaction that completely. I wondered how the three adults could stand there and laugh while that boy stood there alone, troubled now not only about school but also because no one was interested in his troubles. They wanted everything to be positive. They want it all to be good. But it wasn't all good for that boy. No one showed him any understanding whatsoever. What's worse is that when he gave them a golden opportunity to understand him and his world, he was completely invalidated, then completely ignored. Maybe his father was the type who would try to distract his son with thrilling and risky sports such as hang gliding, soccer, surfing, and race car driving. This is probably how he was taught to deal with feelings by his father and by the Australian culture. As long as you are active, you can't feel your emotional pain. But what if his son is not interested in sports? Then what? What will his father do then? What will his mother do? She seemed as athletic as the father, which makes sense of course. Otherwise they would not have been compatible. Again I feel guilty because I did not say anything. I just stood there, stunned, while I watched and made mental notes. I probably will never forget the dejected way he turned and walked away. And I never want to forget it. I want it to inspire me to keep working for the needs of children and teenagers. These were parents which most people would say are "good parents." I doubt anyone will ever accuse them of child abuse. But I say that what they did was child abuse. It was total emotional neglect at that moment. Now you might think this one incident is a small thing. Yes, it is. Maybe they are good listeners when it really counts. Maybe. But then again, maybe not. I say this one incident says a lot about their parenting style and about how children are psychologically invalidated every day. Either way, they all could have handled that situation much better. And that is why I am writing this story. To remind everyone that it is these little interactions with children that make a difference in their lives and in society. If one were to ask that child how much he felt understood, between 0 and 10, at that moment, what might he have said? I would guess he would say zero. Is that what we want? Is that acceptable to you? It is not acceptable to me. One day I expect there will be research which proves that children who did not feel understood by their parents, teachers, parents' friends, etc. are among the most self-destructive or socially destructive adults. We all need to feel understood. It is a basic, natural human need. It is not a right, it is not something nice to have. It is a need. When our needs go unmet one incident at a time, for years and years, we and society all suffer.
Don't Think So Much. Don't Look So Serious Last night I went to visit someone while she was at work. When I got there, she didn't seem very happy to see me. I felt uncomfortable being there. I had to wait for her to finish with a customer. The longer I waited the more uncomfortable I felt. I felt out of place, unwelcome. I started thinking maybe there was something wrong and wondered if she had second thoughts about the plans we had made to go travelling together. I wondered if her boss told her that if she left, she couldn't come back. Many things were going through my mind. As I waited, small signals from her caused me to feel even more discouraged. Then she seemed to notice my mood and asked me what I was thinking. I tried to explain to her what I was afraid of and she said, "Don't think so much." I didn't know what to say after this. I knew there was no point in telling her that I felt invalidated. (Actually, looking back, maybe it would have helped. Maybe she would have said, "What does that mean?" Then maybe I could have explained it to her and she would have learned something useful and it would have started us on a path of better communication and understanding. It is unlikely considering what happened next, but maybe with someone else it could have helped.) I just sat there, stunned. I didn't know what to say for a moment. Then I said, "Why don't you want me to think so much?" She said, "Because I don't want you to think so much." Then I was quiet for a moment. This made her very uncomfortable and she said, "Don't look so serious." I said, "Why not?" Then she said, "Because I don't like it when you look so serious." I understand a little about why she didn't want me to think so much or look so serious. Previoiusly she told me she was raised in a dysfunctional family. Her father was an alcoholic and her parents were divorced when she was 17. Her mother probably tried to deal with her children's unhappiness by saying things like "Don't think so much" and "Don't look so sad." Her mother probably felt responsible and powerless to help them feel better. So she probably just tried to tell them not to feel how they were feeling. Parents, like teachers and many others, get accustomed to telling people what to do and having them do it. So I suppose they think they can tell someone how to feel and, then like magic, that will work, too. Now I am wondering,...when someone says, "Don't think so much," how does one do that? To me that is like telling a fish not to swim so much or an artist not to draw so much. Or a writer not to write so much. I know there are many ways other people try not to think so much. They distract themselves with TV, movies, music, shopping, sports, religion, drugs, alcohol etc. But I don't spend much time on any of those. Those things don't help me find answers to my questions. So I guess I will continue thinking and looking serious when I think about things that are important to me. S. P. Hein
There is nothing wrong with you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're making everyone miserable One day I was talking about depression with a self-harming teen in the UK named Loz. Here is part of that conversation. Steve says: do u ever get so depressed that u cant even get up? Loz says: yes but i get told its feeling sorry for myself, and there is nothing wrong with me Steve says: who tells u that? Loz says: my mum, my sister. they just say im making everyone else miserable and to stop feeling sorry for myself.... when i feel so low i cant get up for school i just pretend i was really tired and didnt wake up in time Steve says: says: ah. ok... how do u feel when they tell u to stop feeling sorry for urself? Loz says: hurt Loz had never heard of invalidation before she found EQI.org, so I showed her our page on it, hoping it would help her be more aware of what is happening to her. - Nov 27, 2005	Loz's screen name that day: ..Loz... [x]Tutto accade per un motivo...[x]
Maybe it's... Maybe It's Not So Bad One day I was feeling very discouraged and depressed because a project I had started to help orphans in Bulgaria had been cancelled. When I told one of the volunteers, a mother who had been helping me there, she said, "Maybe it's not so bad..." I remembered later that she had also said this about my visa situation, "Maybe it's not so complicated." I felt so hurt by her lack of understanding that I had to bite my tongue not to say "Did you hear one word I said?!" On another occasion I had told her that I didn't get a reply from someone yet and this same mother said, "Maybe she didn't get your mail." On still another occasion when I had shared some feeling with her she said something like "Maybe it is because.... " This mother happened to be a single mother with a 16 year old daughter. Once I heard them arguing and the mother attackingly said, "Because you......". I don't remember the exact words, the mother said but it was something like "Because you didn´t listen to me." or "Because you did so (and so and therefore you deserve it.)" I wrote in my journal that when this mother was talking to me she was trying to help because she "wanted my pain to go away quickly." But when she verbally attacked her daughter, it was more because she wanted her own pain to go away quickly. Something else I wrote about this mother was that once she told me that when she broke up with someone she was sad for one year. Another day she told me that when her dog died she was sad for one month. Knowing what I have learned about listening and validation, I just listened to her on both of those occasions. And I wrote later that some people might think she had been sad for "too long," but who can tell someone else how long they should feel sad when they lose a relationship or a pet? Or anything? -- 2012 Note This was over 3 years ago now, but I still feel a little sad as I edit this file because this mother had a very hard life. She had been physically and emotionally abused by her parents, and had to move back in with them when she got a divorce. She was very sensitive and caring, and I believe, very emotionally intelligent, but she never had either training, schooling or good role models for healthy emotional development.
It's Not Going to Happen Once I was telling someone that I was afraid about something. The other person quickly said "It's not going to happen." This didn't help me feel any better. In fact, I felt worse. S. Hein
I Thought We Already Talked About That -- Invalidation? The other day I started chatting with someone who I will call Nadia I was feeling very depressed. They said "How are you," but I didn't want to tell them. I said I just wanted to see if they were ok. Nadia pressed me to explain why I didn't want to talk about how I was feeling, so I told her honestly that I was a little afraid she would later say that I just talk to her when I have a problem. Her response was, "I thought we already talked about that." I have been thinking about her response a lot. I have been wondering whether to call it invalidation. If it is invalidation, it is very subtle. And that is probably the most confusing kind of invalidation. It is the kind which leaves you wondering "What just happened? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Am I wrong? Am I wrong to feel the way I feel? Am I wrong to feel afraid of what I feel afraid of?" Does the other person think I shouldn't feel the way I do? And if they think I shouldn't feel the way I feel or that I have no reason to feel that way since they think "we already talked about it" then what do I do?" But all this happened so fast. And now it is two days later and I am still thinking about it. And I am also thinking that some people will accuse me of thinking too much. But I don't believe I think too much. I think they think too little! But more seriously, I don't believe I think too much because the suicidal teenagers I talk to also think a lot. And they are often told by their parents or even people their age they might call friends, that they think too much. But I don't believe they think too much. I think they are invalidated too often. But getting back to Nadia....I also ask myself, "How was Nadia feeling when she said what she did?" I still am trying to figure that out. I am afraid that if I just ask her directly how she was feeling when she said that she will say "I don´t know." Or she might invalidate me more directly by saying something like, "You are still thinking about that?" Thus I am left to speculate. Or to try to figure out what I need and whether my needs are being met in the relationship. Nadia is a person I care about but I lately I have begun to realize that it is possible to care about someone and even love them, but have conflicts over needs. One person might need one thing and the other not be able to give that specific thing, even if they care about the other person. I am not sure what Nadia needs. I hope that one day Nadia will be able to tell me or someone else. Or even just to figure it out for herself. One of the things I wrote a long time ago is that our feelings help us identify our unmet emotional needs. If I don't feel understood, it means I have an unmet need to feel understood. If I feel neglected or ignored it means I have a need for more attention, etc. In my case I can think of two of my unmet emotional needs: the need to feel appreciated and the need to feel understood. This gets back to Nadia. When Nadia said "I thought we already talked about that" I didn't feel understood. I am still not sure if it is fair to say I felt invalidated, but I definitely didn't feel understood.. and feeling understood is one of my big unmet emotional needs. I also need to feel appreciated and I don't feel very appreciated by Nadia. I feel cared about by her, but not understood or appreciated. So I am not sure what to do. I am hoping that she will read this and maybe it will help our relationship, because she is a person who I was once closer to. I feel sad to even say that, because if Nadia does read this then she will probably feel hurt, maybe she will feel defensive. Maybe she will feel resentful or hurtful towards me. I hope that in any case she can identify her feelings. For me, for example, I recently realized how important it is for me to realize when I am feeling hurtful, because if I think about it that way I realize I don't want to hurt someone I love. S. Hein March 28, 2007 Salta, Argentina

Other Articles on Invalidation

An article on invalidation which uses some of my thoughts:

http://www.indianmother.com/art23.htm - xnc

Validation and Invalidation

Excerpts from an article by Cathy Palmer-Scruggs (Full article)

Recently, I had a few situations to come up that called for some comfort from my friends. I really needed them. A few came through for me in just 'being there'...and others took it as their cue to 'give advice'...and believe me, it only made the situation worse. I did not ask anyone for advice.

I don't make the habit of asking my friends for advice....believe me. I am a 'thinking' person and only need some time and to get things off of my chest. I do not ask my friends to solve my problems. I do not tell my friends about a situation in order for them to come up with ways in which to tell me how to 'get through it' or 'how to think about it' or how to look at it.

No one likes to hear things like "don't let it get to you"...or "don't let her / him get to you"....or "you need to just 'get over' this"....etc. If solutions were that easy, don't you think we'd all do them? And I've also noticed that the very people who tell me this will also eventually deal with frustrating things, and they don't follow their own advice. See, it's different when something happens to THEM.....but not when it's me.

It's easier said than done....how does one not let things get to them? If they are upset, obviously, it's bothering them. They can't just 'dismiss' their feelings on a whim. How do you feel when someone says that to you?

Then there's the other side of the coin...the friends who do not know what to say and do, so, they avoid their friend altogether...the friend in pain. Well, you don't need to say or do anything...just 'be there' for them. They do not expect special words and solutions....they only want to know you care.

They know that not all of their friends are poetic, graceful with words...know 'just what to say'....this isn't a contest of who can make them feel the best. They just want to know you care...that you will merely listen, if they need to talk. And believe me, even if you don't think so at the moment, if you have a hard time facing your friend, you can get a little blank note card and just put the words 'you are in my thoughts' and that is enough...it does show you care. Send it to them. No one ever expects anything 'fancy' or 'just the right thing to say'....please believe that.

Basically, for me, I just need to talk...or type....just 'get it out'...then I can look at it, process it, deal with it, begin the healing, and move on. The very best words a friend can ever say to me is "I'm here for you if you just need to talk". My close friends know that I am not coming to them for answers.....I just need to talk it out ....hear myself say it....

And sometimes, my good friends will 're-state' what I've already said, or re-phrase it....letting me know they 'got it'....they understood me....they heard me. And sometimes they even tell me a similar situation that may have happened in their own lives...and from there, I can glean out some good things that I can take with me. Not everything works for all people. What may have worked for you may NOT work for your friend.

I realize that when our friends are hurting and in pain, our instincts urge us to want to help. None of us want to see our friends hurt. But, especially in my own situation recently, I expected no solutions....no answers...no 'fixes'....no advice....and certainly no philosophical sayings. All I needed was 'validation'....let me feel what I feel. And when my wonderful friends do that, they are deeper into my heart....I feel closer to them and respect them because they respected me and my feelings.

If a person loses a loved one to death, it might not be a good time to say things like "you need to get past that"...or "just don't think of it"....or "you need to get on with your life"....And I've actually had people say this to me.

I don't care how much time passes or what a person tells themselves....you never 'get over' something like this...you merely learn to live with it...live around it....cope with it. No amount of grieving, then or now, will take away the pain or fill the void. Time will allow us to continue our lives while we accept the loss.

Accepting the loss does not mean we are not allowed to grieve from time to time...or cry, when inspired to do so. No one has the right to tell you to put it so far back behind you, that you no longer feel the loss. It will always be there.

Being able to live with this loss does not mean that you are not allowed to visit those very painful memories. Just because you can still cry about anything does not mean you have not gone on with your life....and that somehow, once you are past the initial hurt and tears, that to re-visit those feelings will be wrong and damaging. And anyone who tells you anything different ...well, they are not being realistic.

Why is it that when a person feels momentarily sad, their friends think it's their cue to stop them from feeling and grieving? Who in the world told them that was healthy? When did they become an expert at how long a person should grieve, and feel, and cry and remember? And just because I do cry from time to time over something, that does not mean that for the rest of my life, each and every day, I will sit and cry, just like this, forever....and that I have ruined my life....forever. Allow me to be sad, just as you would welcome and allow me to be happy....I need it.

My telling someone of an event or something that I am going through, does not mean it's their cue to try to 'solve my problem'...I didn't ask for advice or ask how to grieve.

I have the RIGHT to grieve and cry and 'feel' any emotions I ever have in any event in MY life. No one has the right to rob me of my right to express myself or to grieve....to do what "I" need to do in order to continue on with my life. (note)

If your friend is hurting....if they are angry at someone, if they have to make a decision that they feel is in the best interest of them, LET THEM DO IT....let them feel it....validate what they are going through. Just because YOU can't feel it in the same way or maybe not 'see it' in the same way, does not mean that YOU get to take it away from your friend....who "IS" feeling that way. You need to respect what your FRIEND feels. This does not mean your friend is wrong...'feelings' are not wrong. The feelings are based on your friend's life experiences...not yours.

What if you are the kind of person who is in denial of things around you...trying to look at things through 'rose colored glasses'...and your friend doesn't ....you cannot expect your friend to put on your 'special glasses' and pretend that their pain doesn't exist, or that nothing is wrong, just because it would be easier for YOU to deal with. Maybe that works for you...but I doubt it...it will come out eventually, in one way or another. I try to avoid that by dealing with it now, not later.

And it will still hurt later, but not with the same intensity. That does not mean I didn't do something right...it just means that it was a painful event in my life that I will forever feel....as long as I am alive, just not with the same intensity. You do grow with, and from, your experiences.

If you can't deal with your friend's pain and frustration, then maybe it's best that you say nothing at all....it's certainly better to say nothing than to make your friend feel worse. They probably aren't asking you for a solution anyway. Why hurt them worse?

I'm sure that if your friend needs or asks advice, it would be a different story. I'm just talking about those people who like to immediately step in and tell a hurting person to suppress their feelings.

They see and feel what they see and feel...and unless they have been diagnosed with a mental illness that causes hallucinations and 'voices'....don't be so quick to 'dismiss' them. They may be more grounded in reality than you are....and YOU are the one who may need the advice when it's all said and done. Your friend is trying to deal with reality, what is real...

Please do NOT see it as your cue to 'fix' them or tell them that they "should feel this way" or that they "should not feel that way". They feel as they do because of their own life's experiences....not based on your life's experiences. It does not have to make sense to YOU or even be real to YOU...it does not have to be felt by YOU, in order to validate what your FRIEND is feeling.

Being 'strong' for your friend does not mean you have to solve their problems or give them answers.

Just be there to 'listen'....they may not even need to talk to you about it, but feel close enough to you to share it...and if you give them the hurtful advice that I mentioned on this page, you are going to alienate them from you.

You may help them, upon hearing them explain their situation, to even agree that 'you can understand how and why they would feel that way', even if YOUR OWN thoughts are different...try to understand the way THEY are seeing it.

To your friend, all of what they are feeling is very real and very painful....it's affecting their life.

As a great friend, all you need to do is just lend a listening ear....'be there' for them....don't try to make them look at it differently. If that needs to be done, they will do it on their own, you can't rush it. They have to see their OWN way through.

If you take it as your cue to minimize their situation, 'make excuses' for their enemies, or the ones who are hurting them and causing them grief, what you are now doing is making them feel defensive .....they already feel bad enough, but now they have to further frustrate the situation by defending their feelings and emotions to you.

So, while they try, once again, to tell you why they are hurting, you have just sent them on a detour of the path they are on....now they have to get it all past YOU. And, not only are they upset at the original situation, now they feel alienated and unsupported by you....their friend...the person they just needed to talk to.

And the more you try to get them to see it a different way, the worse it will get. They have to see those things for themselves, "if" it's something they can ever do to begin with. Again, not on YOUR schedule. They, most likely, know more about the situation than you do, give them the benefit of the doubt.

No one expects you to have a clever saying....no one has the answers or the solutions. Each person has to work through their own pain....they can't hurry things along on YOUR schedule, just because you don't want this to be happening to them. The worst thing you can do is minimize what they are dealing with....that just makes them feel even more isolated. If I really want to get some advice from, I'll ask for it....and so will your other friends.

And this also goes for situations regarding pets. I have friends who have lost pets through a death, or the pet turned up missing, and they have told me of incredibly insensitive things that were said to them. They are grieving a companion...a friend...and a friendship that, through 'unspoken language', grew into a special friendship that they will surely miss. This was a creature, a 'friend', who loved them unconditionally. Who wouldn't miss something like that?

It' s a real pain, whether it's an animal or a human, it hurts. There are memories associated with the pet...a routine....pictures....little treasures that will forever remind them that the pet is gone. Please be respectful of that. Not everyone can rush out and get another pet...some people need time. And when the time is right, they may be able to open their hearts to another pet. Again, this is on THEIR schedule, not yours.

I have lived for 46 years, thus far...and I hardly think I've waited all these years and went through all the things that I've endured, just to have a friend tell me how to 'get through it'....Nothing anyone says will make it go away....nothing will make a friend in pain feel better....except for the words "I'll be right here for you if you need to talk".

Be a friend....

January 20 , 2001 Copyright © Cathy Palmer-Scruggs

Note from S. Hein - I would say that it is a "need" to grieve. It doesn't make much sense to try to tell someone else that they have no "right" to tell you to get over it. This is invalidating their feelings almost the same as they are invalidating yours. Evidently they feel something which causes them to say "get over it" or whatever. Probably they feel uncomfortable with your pain. They might feel powerless to do anything to help you, so to have some sense of power over the situation they start trying to give you advice or order you around.

xnc

The Role of Emotion Inhibition in Psychological Distress
Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. , Duke University

Excerpts

Findings indicated that a history of emotion invalidation...was significantly associated with emotion inhibition

Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.

Abstract:

Emotion avoidance and inhibition has been implicated as a common feature associated with borderline personality disorder. This presentation will discuss three studies that that have been recently conducted at the Duke Cognitive Behavioral Research and Treatment Program. The first study examined 127 participants to evaluate a developmental model in which chronic emotion inhibition mediates the relation between childhood emotional invalidation/abuse and adult psychological distress. Findings indicated that a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses).

Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms. The second study examined a model in which inhibition of thoughts and emotion was predicted to mediate the relationship between the trait of negative affect intensity and acute psychological distress. Using structural equation modeling hypotheses were supported in both clinical and non-clinical samples, indicating its generalizability. The third study examined the effects of emotion suppression on classical conditioning. Participants were randomized to a suppression (n= 22; show or feel no emotion) or a non-suppression (n = 24; no instruction) condition. Data indicated that discriminative learning (assessed by galvanic skin response) occurred faster and was more robust for suppressors. Suppressors also exhibited less extinction. Results suggest that active attempts to suppress emotion may increase associations to an aversive event, implicating a mechanism by which certain disorders (e.g., PTSD, BPD) retain features associated with greater conditionability. Finally, directions regarding future research from our lab examining borderline personality disorder and a brief overview of a current study examining emotion suppression among suicidal patients will be discussed. Key Citations:

Lynch, T.R., Robins, C.J., Morse, J.Q., & Krause, E.D. (2001). A mediational model relating affect intensity, emotion inhibition, and psychological distress. Behavior Therapy, 32, 519-536.

Lynch, T.R., Krause, E.D., Morse, J.Q., Mendelson, T., Crozier, J., & LaBar, K.S. (2001). Role of emotion suppression in classical fear conditioning. In T.R. Lynch (Chair), Experiential avoidance and psychopathology: Recent research and methodological developments. Symposium conducted at the Association for the Advancement of Behavior Therapy 35th Annual Convention, Philadelphia.

Krause, E.D., Mendelson, T., & Lynch, T.R. (in press). Childhood emotion invalidation and adult psychological distress: The mediating role of emotion inhibition. Journal of Child Abuse & Neglect.

Krause, E. D., Robins, C.J., & Lynch, T.R. (2000). A mediational model relating sociotropy, ambivalence over emotional expression and eating disorder symptoms. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 24, 328-335.