Letters from the Unloved

Below are more letters sent to EQI

Hello,

I wanted to talk to somebody, I am a poor excuse for a person. Finding it very hard to loose weight I always used to be skinny, its disgusting. I hate life, I don't no if anyone will read this or receive this letter ,to be honest I don't really care any more. I wasn't built for this life, I find myself to be a self loather.<---this letter is an example.Stupid Girl I dont deserve help. Jesus christ I hate it.

So I don't know if a robot is going to reply to this, but I don't care. I'm desperate. I need help. I'm a 14 year old suicidal girl, if I were to label myself. I tried telling my parents this, but they seem to make this worse. I hear from others that it's some chemical imbalance, disorder, phase, or something like that.

I've been having suicidal thoughts ever since I was 10 years old. I still remember that vivid day, where I first thought of the idea of killing yourself. I can describe it to you if you want, but I don't want to take up more time that I've already have. So I'm just crossing my fingers, and I don't expect much. Don't take it personally, after all there's a chance you might be a robot anyway. I'm just pessimistic like that I guess.

I'm a teen in need of serious help. Do you have any advice for me? My mother is emotionally abusive to me so bad that in the past I have runaway twice, planned to leave with a friend which failed terribly, have created concoctions that can kill me, and a bunch of other dangerous things.

My school has labled me depressed and autistic because of the way I've been acting at school due to how my mother has treated me at home.The depression is because of her, as is the runaway incidents.

I am very suicidal, and have tried to kill myself before but it failed. None of my friends are willing to help me try to find a way to get out. Very few people believe me when I tell them everything she's done. The few who do have never made any motion to help me except for one person who she blames for everything that I've done and am no longer allowed to contact.

My "family" is no help to me. They all say "she's doing this because she loves you" and all that other stuff that I don't believe. You probably get a lot of teens who ask for help in similar situations but I can say this. CPS did not help. They talked to her, noticed she was a nurse, thought her home was best for me even though I had told them everything she had done.

I do have somewhere I can stay and plan to leave the day before xmas, when she's working.
I am 17, turning 18 in February, but I cannot wait a few more months. I am going insane, literally. If most of my family could see me, they would put me in a mental hospital which my mother wants to do. She has never said it, but she thinks there's something really bad wrong with me and wants me locked up for good. She's already put me in counseling.

My father is no help to me, he lost his home and is getting all kinds of medical treatment probably for aids or something since he is gay, so I cannot ask him for help.

I have tried suicide hotline, but they are also no help. And my school counselor blows me off like I'm not even there or that I'm just complaining about nothing at all.

Please, I need help before I end up killing myself or end up in the metal hospital.

To Steve,

Before reading your site I did not even realise what my mum is doing to me is abuse. I really thought there was something wrong with me. Shes constantly telling me how much she does and how I don't even give a shit even though I never said a word. She calls me names like cowbag, bitch and even dickhead when I do something wrong like wash up too slow or when she calls me and I don't hear and then she doesnt beleive me and ignores me for a few hours until I apologise.

She's never in the wrong its always me even though I've decided not to speak to her because she will contradict every little thing I say and start a fight and say its my fault. She slaps me on a regular basis and she hits me on the back and arms and legs really hard and when I cry she calls me pathetic.

She got me up in the middle of the night to clean once because my cleaning was ' unsatisfactory'. She always talks about me to other people (sometimes to my face) to get sympathy. I never talk back to her because I'm too scared. I think I'm going crazy

Yours truly

Jasmine

my mother is emotionally abusive but she only does it when we are alone. no one believes me and assumes just because i am a teenage girl i am the one at fault. i just put up with it but it is getting worse and it's getting harder to deal with. i found your site and it has really helped me believe that i am not the horrible person she says i am. i am really getting fed up with hearing someone scream "you are a fucking bitch" and every other insult and threat with a voice filled with pure hatred daily. i really just need to know that i'm not really those things and that people don't really act like that. or do they? i don't know.

I think it all started around my 5th birthday. That's when I became aware of what my "life" really was. I have a few memories from the age of 3 and 4, when I was too stupid and ignorant to be depressed, but I can only vaguely remember what that felt like. Anyway, when I turned 5, it occurred to me that my "family" was supposed to celebrate that day. It was the day that they were supposed to not hurt me, to allow me to have food, to treat me like I was a human. For the next few years, I was increasingly curious as to why they did such horrible things to me on that day specifically, as well holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. I noticed that they never actually gave me anything to eat, and they said terrible things to me while severely injuring me in various ways. I only have a few clear memories of 2006-2008, when I was still young, but what I do remember is awful. I remember them making me promise that I wouldn't tell the truth about what they did to me when people at my school noticed the physical damage done to me. I had to make up stories that I was learning to ride a bike (which I never had), or I fell off my trampoline (which I never had either). I remember a kid saying to the teacher that they saw my house before and that I didn't have a trampoline, so I immediately told the teacher that the kid must have been confused and thought somebody else's house was my house, even though the kid actually did know what house I "lived" in. And after school, I would always see my "mother" cheating on the man that is assumed to be my "dad". My "mom" is a huge slut and had sex with almost every man in the town, so we have no clue who my real father is, but one of them stayed at our house longer than the other ones, so that's who I say is my dad. He claimed to have loved her at the time, but they were never married. I doubt she had any feelings for him at all in the first place. They were both constantly drunk, and the house was always full of smoke. I now have a problem breathing because it was basically the same as me smoking for 15 hours a day (or more). I was glad to have school because it was the only place I could go with clean air. I wasn't allowed to leave the house any other time because my "parents" were afraid that I would run away and "snitch" on them. But I knew better than to do that, because they instilled it into my head that I couldn't tell anybody what happened to me. To this day, there are some things I still can't talk about. I'll skip ahead to around 2009-2010. My "dad" finally couldn't stand being around my "mom" anymore, so he moved to his parents house (where he still lives today, and so do I, but I'll explain that later.) My dad never made much money, but he made enough to keep a steady supply of beer and cigarettes for him and my mom. With him gone, she had to find somebody who could fill that position. She whored herself out to a few different guys in a bar until she found one who didn't like his wife. So she got him to divorce his wife and get married to her instead, which makes him my stepdad. I thought my mom abused me really badly, but my stepdad did so much worse to me. My mom wouldn't hurt me too often if I stayed out of her way and never talked to her, but my stepdad went out of his way to torture me. I didn't know how to do much at that time, I didn't even know how to tie my own shoes, since I never had parents to teach me things like that. But my stepdad...he forced me to do so many things I didn't know how to do. And he wouldn't teach me any of it. He would just hurt me for being "too fucking stupid" to start a lawn mower (I didn't have the physical strength to do that), or do dishes (I was too short to reach the sink), or do laundry (I was too short to reach the buttons on the washing machine), or chop wood for the fireplace (I couldn't lift the ax), or basically be useful in any way. It was a few more years until I was able to tell myself that it wasn't my fucking responsibility to do any of that. Parents are supposed to care for their children (which they never did, and never will), they're supposed to make sure their kids are never hungry (whereas I was ALWAYS hungry), and they're never, under any circumstance, supposed to hurt their kids (I don't remember a day of my life when the adults in my house didn't hurt me). My life seemed so bad (which it was) but at the time, I didn't think it would get any worse. Then, after about 3 years going through the same thing every day, the same abuse, and the same questions from concerned kids/adults at school, my teacher got really suspicious, and told me he thought that the police should know what he thought was going on. I made a bad decision, and I told my "parents" about that. Of course, I was punished for it being my fault (even though it wasn't, since I never told my teacher that they were abusing me). Then, in late 2013, they locked me in their car and we went to start a new life in Florida. This is only the first half of my email, but I don't think I can write much more tonight. I'll tell you about 2013-2016 in my next Email.

=> So, I haven't been able to be online very much, because I'm living with a drunk idiot who abuses me in every way he can think of, but I'll try to tell you the rest of my life before he finds out I'm on my laptop (which I apparently shouldn't even have).
>
> I think it was in 2013 when we had to go to Florida, so the people who owned me weren't going to get in legal trouble. I arrived there some time in August, I believe. Things got a lot worse, and I noticed that my hallucinations became more frequent and frightening. I went to my new school, and there were a lot of nice people there, but by the end of my first year there, my teachers were worried about my grades. It was at that time that I realized that I had no motivation to do anything at all, and I didn't want to live anymore. After a few failed suicide attempts, I met some people who were supportive and made me feel less suicidal, but I couldn't talk to them very much, because I wasn't in many classes with them. And every day of 2013-2014 felt the same. Get abused in the morning, be forced to go to school and not tell anybody what was happening to me, come home, notice how hungry I was, not be allowed to eat anything, get abused more, be forced into slavery, get abused even more, cry in my bedroom, barely get any sleep, and then I repeated that the next day, and the next day, and I realized that I'd been a slave for a lot of years. I spent the summer of 2015 in New York with my "dad" (who is also the person who is trying to make me commit suicide). He got a laptop so he could watch porn, but he had no idea how to use it, so I ended up getting it. I brought it back to Florida with me, and my owners used it as a way to ruin my mental state even more. In 2016, my sister visited us in Florida, but she saw how badly I was being treated, so she got me a plane ticket and came back here to New York with me. I was finally able to go to a hospital and get therapy and medications after all those years of desperately needing them, and I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder, Major suicidal depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, chronic back and knee pain, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Insomnia, and a lot of other things. I was put on some medication, but it didn't really help. I think that by the time I was able to be diagnosed and treated, I was already too broken to be helped. I can't feel anything anymore besides sadness. I haven't been truly happy in over a decade. The drunk idiot that lives in the same house as me, or my "father", is also abusing me, and I'm not even going to fight back against it. I'm just going to let all the adults in my life do terrible things to me until I eventually succumb to my suicidal thoughts. I can't stop him, and honestly, I don't feel like I should stop any of this. He says it's all my fault, and that I'm the reason he hurts me and screams at me so much, so he's probably right. He would be a lot happier if I was dead, and he's actually told me that. So I guess I should do what he's been telling me to do for over a year...
==
I wrote to Adam to check in on him and got this reply

The person who originally messaged you isn't around any longer. Adam isn't here anymore. Thank you for the concern, but don't worry. Everything is over now.

So I'll start off with some basic things about me. I am a cutter, I have bipolar, ADHD, and depression.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in first grade. I also had anger issues, but they weren't that bad yet. So when I got into 5th grade, I started to cut because I was being bullied. I would get so depressed that I couldn't even go to the swimming pool anymore because my stomach was so cut up that the chlorine made it sting.

So I stopped after awhile. For a period up to 8th grade. I then started to get overwhelmed with school work. I started cutting again because I wasn't getting the grades I wanted. This continued till 9th grade.

Then in tenth grade is when everything went to hell. My teacher saw my cuts on my stomach when I stretched, and sent me to see a counselor. This was the first time anyone had ever seen my cuts. They called my parents and I started freaking out because I didn't want my parents called. I started to hit the counselor. She got away and called for help. I was eventually pinned down and suspended. I asked my mom that night if I could go to a place that would help me. That was Horsham clinic. They had me for a few days but I started getting sick and then they gave me Thorazine after I freaked out one time, which I'm allergic too (it makes my blood pressure drop to zero). I was quickly sent to the hospital and my parents took me out against doctors advice.

The next big thing that happened was my suicide attempt on Mother's Day. I had a girl friend sleepover the previous night, and my boyfriend at the time came over for a little bit and we both got horny. Later in the night we got drunk together by drinking a few beers. We ended up sleeping together. I gave her hickeys and she gave me hickeys. We tried to cover them over in the morning with makeup, but it didn't work very well. So her dad found out and freaked out. He made her text me saying she could never talk to me again. I freaked out and ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom and overdosed. I sent out a mass text saying goodbye to everyone. Some of my friends responded and asked me why I was saying goodbye I just kept saying I'm sorry I'm not good enough. There was this one boy who I though was my friend he just kept encouraging me to try to kill myself. I kept swallowing pills. All the ones I could find. My parents and brother were downstairs watching tv. Waiting for me to finish what was suppose to be my shower time. Eventually one of my friends called my house and told my parents what was going on. They rushed up and dad knocked down the bathroom door that I locked. He made me throw up the pills by sticking his finger down my throat. The ambulance came and took me to the hospital where they pumped my stomach and gave me charcoal. I was then sent to another hospital where they took me to the psych ward. Me and my parents slept on metal benches that night waiting for someone to tell them if I had to go to another behavioral hospital. Eventually I went to Brooke Glen Behavioral health hospital. I was there for 2 weeks going to therapy all the time. I finally got home and my parents locked all the blades, razors, pencil sharpeners, and medicine in a closet and put a combination lock on it. It's still there to this day. I also wasn't allowed to stay home alone.

Anyway that didn't stop me from cutting. I would steal razor blades from my grandmother, when I went over her house. One day I brought one to school. I was having a really bad day that day. My medicine had recently been changed and it was making me act weird and more aggressive. So it was the last class of the day. Math class. I was secretly texting my friend. The teacher caught me texting and I refused to give it to her. So she decided to call security. I got so pissed off I attacked her. I cornered her and started to punch and kick her. Finally another student said enough of this. (Mind you he was a football player). He picked me up off the ground and put me far away from the teacher. I started then to attack him. I then ran off into the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I pulled out my blade and started to cut my arms to bits. The security guard by the door at that time tried to get me to come out and saw the blade through the crack of the door. She notified tons of administrators In the school. They then tried to get me to come out of the stall. They had to pin me on the floor and the blade was eventually lost under my hair after they got me out of the stall. They had me pinned to the floor for what seemed like hours to me looking for the blade. The police then come and put handcuffs and feet-cuffs on me. They finally find the blade with me shouting colorful words at them. Saying I hated them all and that they should all die. When they find the blade, they put me on a gurney. By this point my mom had arrived and she saw me being wheeled out to the ambulance. She screamed at them saying "no no no no you can't take her. You can't take her. Where is Joe Caracappa (my old vice principle) so we can sort this out. You can't take her." They just replied, "she is in police custody now." And led her away. They then put me in the ambulance and tried to get me to answer questions, but I wouldn't talk to anyone. My mom saw me in the ambulance after a while and said to me "it's going to be okay. I love you." I still wouldn't talk. I eventually fell asleep and woke up being wheeled into Brooke glen behavioral health hospital again. I was there for a month. I faced charges against me that was later turned into probation.

When I got out I had to go to partial at Horsham clinic (I had to go to partial hospitalization after every time, except the first time, I was admitted to inpatient). I was there for a while, then I transferred to a new school called lifeworks in the foundations behavioral health campus.

I had a hard time there (still am there, trying to get out now). There was this girl that took a instant disliking to me so we had a peer mediation. I freaked out and got pinned again and was sent to partial there. I then threatened to hang myself one day at partial, if I was sent home, because of a big argument with my parents the night before. I was sent to foundations behavioral health inpatient adolescents unit immediately. That was the best thing ever for me. I got much better. I didn't feel suicidal or as depressed anymore. I went to partial and was constantly happy. This only lasted till 11th grade (which is what I am in now). I started getting depressed again because I didn't feel like I needed lifeworks any,ore so I started cutting again. My mom found out and searched my room and found all my blades. And now Is where my story stops. I'm still trying to get out of lifeworks and feeling miserable without my blades right now. I'm also developing an eating disorder. I have pretty much stopped eating unless someone forces me to eat. So yeah that's about it. That is my story. Thank you for listening/reading. I will catch you up when something big next happens or if I feel like telling you about my childhood and how my dad abused my mom.

So my mom mainly used to hit me when I was small, up to 8 or 9, but there was a time when I was 14 that she lost her cool and hit me suddenly. It was my brother's graduation from high school, and she really valued that and considered it special, and she wanted everything to go well. I was in school that day, for my regular classes, and she was going to come there later for the grad. Also she had given me the camera to take pics with her.
So right before the grad was the assembly, and I was sitting in the assembly hall among the whole grade, and my mom started calling me on my cellphone. She called me quite a few times, and I had to decline each time, since I wasn't allowed to answer there. And after the assembly was over, I didn't call her back. I'm not sure why, I think either I forgot or I was scared to call back because she would probably be mad. Anyways I went to the graduation hall and tried to look for her, because she would be there, and after I couldn't find her, I just sat down in one of the chairs, and waited for her to find me. But the graduation started, and I sat through all of it. I didn't wanna look for her after that, because everyone was sitting and the hall was full, so I didn't wanna get up and look for my mother in one of the chairs.
Anyways after the graduation was over, I again tried to look for her and find her, and finally did. So we were gonna go home by taxi. I was pretty scared because I knew we were supposed to meet in the graduation hall and watch it together, since most families were together there.
And in the taxi I tried to talk to her casually, but she seemed really mad, and she said "when we get home, I'm going to kill you" or something threatening. That was scary because she wasn't the usual mad when she's shouting and visibly upset, she just appeared cold and emotionless. And I would be alone at home with her, since my brother was at a graduation party with his friends
And when we got home, I went into my room and started using my desktop computer. She was in the other room, and didn't seem to say anything. After about 30 minutes she came in and started angrily questioning me, in a low, but furious voice. She asked me why I didn't pick up the phone, and why I didn't sit with her in the graduation hall. And I wasn't very apologetic about this, and I replied very indifferently, because I had had a long and anxiety-filled day and I just wanted to relax. Suddenly she exploded, and slapped me on my cheek, and started yelling at me about stuff. She also called me swear words that I'd never heard her say and just blamed me for everything that didn't work out. She also forcibly turned off the computer and told me to sit there, and then left
Then for the next few hours the same thing repeated, I had turned on the computer again since I was bored, and she came in and turned it off again, yelled more. And then went back in the room but still shouted from there, insulting me and saying I can't do anything right. After that I just sat in my room and had nothing to do, I was feeling shocked and scared. I also felt terrible that everyone else was probably having fun that day, while I was sitting in my room and being treated like that by her.

Anyways then my brother came home, which was a relief to have someone else in the house, and my mom was still being rude to be and saying bad things to/about me for the next few days, and he noticed this and I told him about it later. He said it sucks, but we have to get used to it since our mom has these anger outbursts often, and I agreed. Whenever she had anger outbursts we would talk to each other about it and how to deal with it, and it helped

Anyways, sorry that it's so long, I imagine you'll have to edit some of the unnecessary stuff like details lol. But I liked writing it, I guess.
You don't have to change the details since I think it is pretty anonymous, just you could refer to me as J. What do you think you plan on using it for, btw?

I'm 19. I live with my mum.

My mom says to me:

"There is something wrong with you/seriously wrong
with you"

"I don't care what happens to you or what you do; just
get away from me/leave me alone/don't ever speak to me
again"

"Because you ARE an ogre" (I said I felt like I was an
ogre, like I was being treated like an ogre when my
mum first started ignoring my existance, and I asked
why she treated me like that)

"You shouldn't feel that way"

"you are never allowed to be angry"

"there is never a good reason to be angry"

"you can always make up a reason to be upset with me
can't you", then moments later, "sorry, you can always
FIND a reason"

"what's wrong with you doing all the housework?"

"why are you always causing problems?"

"you're too upset"

"your feelings are too much"

"you can't possibly be that hurt by ____________"

"if you feel hurt, it's your fault; it's your choice."

"you make me suicidal"

But her favorite thing to say is nothing. She likes to
speak by walking away. By looking at anything but me.
By rolling her eyes and turning away. There are more
quotes, but they require too much context.

In February I lost 25 pounds and spent a month hiding
from her in our bathroom, using drugs that she bought
for me because it keeps me sedate enough to tolerate
the terror and pain I feel when I live at home instead
of in the park. She didn't say anything until she
knocked on the door to tell me she was mad at me for
not hanging out with her more and to tell me that I
was making her suicidal. I slashed up my arms and went
to spend a week at a youth shelter.

I wish my mom was nice to me. I wish she loved me just
because she loved me, and not just when I make her
happy or stay out of her way.

I once wrote "why don't you care?!" all over the walls
because I was so, so, so desperate to be heard. It
didn't work. My mom didn't say anything.

I am 16 years old and I am not sure wether or not my mother is emotionally abusive. I have been thinking about it and reading about it a lot. She makes me feel guilty and says it is my fault when I am sick, need a ride or need help. She calls me names, yells at me and screams at me more often than not and never apologizes or hears her tone of voice even when my dad talks to her about it. She pretends not to remember things she has said and calls me a liar when she knows I am right. She hasn't recently but has slapped me in the past. She calls me names constantly (bitch, asshole, slut, whore) and generally insults me. Whenever I accomplish something she asks me why I didn't do better. She makes me feel guilty for her emotions when we fight and makes comments about my physical appearance. I cannot remember the last time she hugged me or said that she loves me, although this is because I am uncomfortable with it due to the lack thereof.

I'm 15, I know you probably won't help me. I don't deserve help. I'm not going to lie and say I'm suicidal to get your attention, and I know you're busy but I hear about emotional abuse and I think that's me. I'm not sure and that's why I want this, because she's mean and yelling and telling me I'm a coward for crying because she's angry and I don't know what i did besides wanting just one nice pair of jeans, she told me that I have to hide my body in baggy clothes because I'll never look nice in anything, she does things like this daily and i think she hates me. I don't want to just say that she's abusive and that it's all just really my fault for making her angry by ruining her life because I was born. Please help me

Hello,

My name is Sofia and I am 17 years old. It is physically hard for me to say “my mother is abusive” because up until recently I have always believed that her behaviour is normal. It is only when talking to a woman with whom I have been close to for a very long time, that I have begun to understand that if anything, my mother is extremely manipulative and the way she treats myself and my two younger sisters is not the way one should behave. At this present moment in time, I am trying to find some sort of explanation for her behaviour, and when I stumbled upon your questions, I was immediately interested. I answered the 10 that are available on your site and 7 out of those 10 were yes answers. I would be extremely grateful if you would be able to give me a free copy of them? I understand that the work you do must be extremely overwhelming (as it says on your site) and I would just like to say that you are an incredible person/ group of people to have even created such questions, as for many people I am sure, they have been of great comfort (being able to come to a specific conclusion about the behaviour they've endured or are enduring). The hardest part for me personally is writing this email, as I feel bad about it. I feel sorry for my mother and at the same time I am furious with myself, as I know that I should't be feeling sorry for her at all. I just physically cannot help it. I feel guilty for writing this email, because as much as she treats me badly, she also does so much for me. She pays for my clothes, my food, my luxuries (even if sometimes with a heavy heart) and I just can't shake the feeling of betrayal that i feel for writing this about her. I don't know if I am supposed to write more about my situation, but it is hard as it sounds much more serious than it actually is and it is very hard to describe. I understand if you are unable to send me a free copy or are unable to reply, but thank you for reading this anyway.

Okay this is a really long story. Anyways hi my name is Taylor I'm from the United States and yeah. You can put this on your website if you would like to.
I'm in the eighth grade and last year around November I was getting cyber bullied by this girl at my school. At that time I didn't know what time do so I started cutting myself. I would tell my friends about it and they would listen. Then when I got back from winter break my friend went to guidance and told them about me and they called me down I told them everything and my mom came in they then took me to the crisis center where they let me go home but sent me home with the therapist. The therapist wasn't really helping at all and I was getting worse like I would cut once a day or more. It was around February and I was in the car and I got in a fight with my mom she told me she was gonna take my phone away and I said fine that'll just give me more time to cut myself. Of course I didn't mean it but my mom couldn't take me anymore she didn't like seeing me the way I was so she sent me to the crisis center. They hospitalized me for cutting and suicidal thoughts. I was released a week later. I just faked my way so I could get released and then I kept cutting and when my mom found out she took me back and they hospitalized me again. I was released but I was still very upset. Two days after in was released I tried to commit suicide and I was sent to the hospital again. While I was at the hospital I was very angry and I would yell and curse at the staff when really I was angry at myself. They sent me to a residential program and I was released in August. It is now October and I am doing so much better. I am so much happier and haven't cut since I went to the hospital. I have learned so much like even if your family doesn't seem like they care they do and that some people are rude because they're hurting inside and even if it's hard always stay strong and crying isn't a weakness it's a sign that you have feeling also talking to someone always helps. Some coping skills I learned is to listen to music think positively talk to someone and that kind of stuff. This may have upsets some of you but I got better and that shows that you can get better just have that hope and you can do anything. Like they always say you can do anything you put your mind to.

Hello, my name is Erik. I am 15 years old and have been dealing with what I suspect to be emotional abuse from my mother for as long as I can remember. she constantly tells me things like "I don't care if you feel like ___, you're my child and you do what I tell you to" and always punishes me in situations where I haven't done anything wrong. she is currently not allowing me to leave the house (not even to go to school) until I have finished my schoolwork, which she knows will easily take me about a week. she constantly reminds me that she doesn't care how I feel, only about the things I do (and she is never satisfied or proud of the things I do, eve if they are for her). I always try to voice my opinions in a extremely polite ad respectful way with her but she always manages to turn it into a full-on verbal attack at me, saying things like "you need to learn how to respect other opinions, the world doesn't revolve around you." I am transgender (assigned female at birth, but I identify strongly as male) and she always makes me feel guilty for having her "support" and "love." she says things like "I didn't NEED to accept you, I don't HAVE to pay for your testosterone injections or your haircuts. I could just kick you out right now, but I won't because I'm a good mother." before I started my transition I was suicidal for 4 years and attempted suicide 3 times and was hospitalized for cutting too deep and constant mental breakdowns and psychotic episodes. every time I was in the hospital for things like this she would say to me "if you weren't so damn selfish none of this would have ever happened to us." (and yes, US) she always told me I wasn't doing good enough to ever get anywhere in life. a school counsellor once called child services on my mom, and my mom managed to talk her way out of it. in the end they said that there was nothing they could do since I wasn't being physically abused in any way, and that is the reason I am still stuck in this house with this parent.

I am a 16 year old from ______. I'd mention that I'm a girl, but I'm not quite sure that's right.

Another thing worth mentioning about myself is that I have a condition called Lupus(I'm unsure of the full technical name.) Having Lupus means that my body attacks itself for whatever reason, which leaves many of my bodily systems weaker than a normal teen's would be. For example, my bones and muscles are weaker than they should be, and I get frequent headaches. Another symptom of Lupus is that I get these weird rashes and spots, which sucks. This condition has no known cause, but I do know that it is a condition that comes in flares. These flares are caused by many things, including stress, but mostly by UV radiation from the sun and certain lightbulbs. Long story somewhat short, outside is a big no-no for me.

I'm gonna warn you now, this is gonna be a long read.

I live in a house with three bedrooms. One bedroom is occupied by my 6 year old half sister, another bedroom occupied by my biological mother and step-douche, and the third by myself, my two full blooded sisters, and my step-sister. Before my mother got married, we lived with my grandparents, who did most of the raising of us three kiddoes. My grandma and grandpa are some of the sweetest and most wonderful people I know, and I'm grateful to still have them around.

My mother is a different story entirely. To put it plainly, the score I got on the short quiz about emotionally abusive mothers is 9. She is an insufferable cunt who thinks she is God. She treats her own children like they aren't human beings because she says she can. She ignored her stepdaughter, and constantly screams at the 6 year old. She has no sense of humor, so whenever I try to make her laugh she grounds me for being a "stupid bitch" who is "impossible to talk to". Whenever I try to talk to her about my Lupus she tells me that I should be taking pills for it, but that is something I can't do currently. When I was little, I had to take the pills so I wouldn't die, or so mother told me. They are gross tasting, so whenever I told her that they were nasty she would yell at me and send me to my room, telling me I was gonna die. These situations have kinda made it impossible for me to take a pill because I always remember her shouting at me and then I feel like I can't do it, so therefore I am unable to.

I mentioned it in the subject of this email, but I will restate it: I am depressed. Like, clinically. I can't talk to my mother about it(for obvious reasons), so I haven't been diagnosed by a professionally trained person, but from what I've learned in Health and Psychology classes and from reliable sources I've found on the Interwebs, it is undeniable. I planned to kill myself last February, but I was unknowingly drawn back from that edge by a friend who had no clue. Now, I am drawing ever nearer to that edge once more.

It's worth mentioning that due to the unloving and cruel nature of my mother, I am not the kind of person to reveal my innermost thoughts and feelings, so writing this email is quite the big deal to me, since I feel like I am being weak by seeking help.

I am writing this email for two reasons.
A) I am interested in the Good Mom/Bad Mom test so that I can evaluate from a statistical standpoint how crappy my situation(because I know other girls have it waaayyyyy worse than I do, but I still wish to do something about it not only for myself but also for my sisters.) and
B) I have a question about my current situation, which I suppose I must explain.
My mother and I got into a fight recently because of some accident I caused and I couldn't take her verbal abuse and name-calling any longer, so I bitched back. She took my 6th gen iPod, which I bought with money given to me by grandparents. My question is whether or not it is legal for a parent to take something that the child bought with their own money. Sorry for taking so long to get to my points, but I felt it was necessary for you to know the whole story.

Hi im 15 and i am very suicidal. I have bean for a while but i stop telling my parents because they just tell me that they feel worse and that i should help them and if i get really bad, like to the point of crying, they give me a sleeping pill and just make me sleep it off. No one helps me, in fact everything is my fault and i just cant handle it anymore

My mother constantly attempts to threaten me in order to get me to do what I want (aka- If you don’t go ride your horse, I’m going to call ____’s mom (best friend) and tell her to pick her up (knowing their car is broken), in order to embarrass her and make me feel bad), and when that didn’t work she kept yelling at me in order to try to get me to do so until I called my father (lives in another city) so he would speak to her and I locked myself in my room, sobbing with my best friend.

And today, I told her (for the 10th time this week) that I wouldn’t be going to the competition in a city two hours away because it would take up too much of my time to study for AP Exams in two weeks (I don’t know anything of the material of AP Physics 1 and AP Calculus). She said okay, but then said we would go to see my father (in the same city) because he was leaving on vacation for two weeks in another country. I attempted to make her understand that that wouldn’t work, and then (after about an hour of text arguing during which she threatened to take out the excused absence at school and say I did not go because I did not feel like it, thus earning me truancy at school and another atonement, knowing I already have plenty of issues with school administration, and attempted to make me feel bad by saying we haven’t seen him in two weeks, “that’s so sad,” and things of the like), she said I either stay at my grandparent’s house or I go to the city, knowing that I don’t like staying with my grandparents. I said I could stay with my best friend and, because she knows I like to stay there and I feel happy there, partly also because my best friend is my crush/partner, she said I cannot and repeated “that’s so sad that you cannot go see your father but you can see your friends” while she knows that seeing my father requires losing a day and a half of studying and seeing my friend, in this case, would require 30 mins of driving to her house. I had to call my aunt to see if I could stay there, until I managed to resolve it.

Then, she called my dad and informed him I would not be going (when I had said all week I wouldn’t be going to both of them), and said to me “we are giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are actually worried about your exams.” She has seen me studying for days straight for them and has mentioned on several occasions that the exams do not matter to her, but then told my aunt when she called her today that “she knows they are very important.” After agreeing to allow me to stay at my aunt’s house she told me “But of course, no permission to go anywhere this weekend.” She knows very well that I need to study and also that I need time to hang out with people in order to not get overwhelmed, yet she denies me this now because she is “upset with me.”

On other occasions, she has also slapped me until I stood up to her and said if you hit me one more time I will hit you back.

I’m sorry about the long post, I just need something to support my point to my friends because they don’t think I have it that bad. I forgot to mention, I’m a 16 year old girl in Venezuela, I lived in the States for the first ten years of my life and my brothers still leave her.

Just five minutes ago she used my keys to open the door to my room and then when I told her to leave she didn’t leave and I don’t remember what happened and she slapped me and when I slapped her back she said go ahead hit me if you can go ahead and then when I tried to push her out she ran inside my room so I couldn’t and I had to call my dad to get her to leave and I can’t keep going like this

Hello,

I think it would help me to share my experiences.

My name is _____. I am an only child and am 18. However, I live in Alabama (I'm a student at UA) where I am still considered a minor and consequently, still rely on my parents for everything. As a college student, I have some distance from my parents who live a state away, but I still have to go back home for the summer because my first lease doesn't begin until August. I'm still trapped there. I am dreading it. Last time I had a panic attack before I went home for Christmas break. Hopefully this will help you understand why.

I think that understanding my mother's background is important to understanding her mindset. She's in her late fifties and was raised in an incredibly abusive Canadian household. Her father was a severely strict pastor who would not allow my mother and her sisters to even watch Disney movies because they don't glorify the Lord. Beyond strict & conservative religion, the household also contained physical abuse. Both my grandmother and grandfather would hit and whip the girls, even as young children for wetting the bed. My grandfather also drank heavily, cheated on his wife and had a second family, and sexually abused my aunt for years. Some pastor. He was vicious and controlling; my grandmother either sat passively while he abused the girls or helped him do it. The family also lived in incredible poverty. My mother and her two sisters spent one northern winter sleeping together in a single bed in an unfinished, uninsulated church basement. They made their own clothes and ate moose meat to keep from going hungry. Meanwhile, my grandfather somehow found the funds to buy himself a small airplane while his family was starving. At 17, my mother was finally kicked out when she refused to sit down and read the Bible with the family. Not long afterward she became pregnant with my half-sister, whom she gave up for adoption and hid from me until I was 9.

Honestly I don't even know where to begin describing my mother's abuse. Over the years it's been wearing me down to the point where I now have depression and anxiety. It's gotten so bad to where I need medication because therapy wasn't helping the physical symptoms, such as nausea and vomiting. My mother makes me so nervous. I used to always try to please her when I was younger, but she would only point out my flaws. I think that things began to worsen when I stopped believing everything she told me and began to develop my own views. My mother is still incredibly religious, homophobic, and politically conservative. I, however, am more in line with the views of the Socialist and Green parties. In addition, I have been agnostic since sophomore year of high school. I think that once I started becoming my own person, my mother started to panic because she realized she was losing control of the one thing she had ever had complete dominance over: me.

My mother will often say "I don't hate you, but I hate your actions," or "You are a disappointment of a daughter." In some aspects, I am a model child. For instance, I completed the International Baccalaureate Program in high school, graduated in the top 5% of my class, was awarded countless awards, belonged to every honor society I could, never went out and partied, scored well on standardized tests, was offered several full tuition scholarships by various universities, am currently an astrophysics major in the honors college, etc. However, I know I've also caused my parents a lot of grief. In 7th grade, I ran away. In 8th grade I was anorexic and bulimic. In 10th grade I started smoking weed (mostly by myself), but maintained excellent grades and never got in trouble with the law or my school. Between 10th and 11th grade I began cutting myself. In 11th grade, I took acid and had such a bad trip that I thought I was dying; I ended up in the ER. My parents know about each and every one of the events. Sometimes I would confide in my mom, seeing as my dad is entirely ignorant and emotionally vacant, and beg her not to tell my dad. She always told him and he would always scream at me. Never once did they ever wonder if everything wasn't entirely my fault. They never looked in the mirror to see if somewhere along the line, they had faltered. One time my dad even told me that it was entirely my fault that the family is always fighting.

My mother's emotions are more volatile than a flame near gasoline. I never know what will set her off. Sometimes it is rubbing my legs to stay warm during church, which is apparently too "sexual" for church. Sometimes it's listening to secular music. Sometimes it's my father trimming the bushes in the yard. Sometimes it's me saying "yeah, hold on I'll be there in a minute," when she asks me to do a chore. Whenever something- and it can be anything- triggers her, she goes into a "mood." During these "moods" she may scream and belittle first me then become silent or just go straight to bitter silence. When she's in a mood, she has a look of pure hatred in her face. She completely isolates herself, says anything (usually one word answers) with venomous malice, slams everything, won't cook any food, won't engage in conversation, and somehow manages to make me feel as though the world is ending. She'll be sarcastic and bitter for days on end. Nothing can stop it once it's begun, not even apologies. My father has developed the technique of avoiding her until it's over, but for years I didn't want to give up on her. I would always try to apologize and try to reason with her. She would often break me down to the point where I was sobbing and begging for forgiveness. I have since given up on reasoning with her. Countless family holidays have been ruined by her being in a mood all day long. There's only three of us in the household, so when she makes it miserable, everyone feels her wrath in full. I've become accustomed to staying alone in my bed all day when I'm at home. I'd rather be alone than with her. Just when she's been nice and cheery for days, I'd always convince myself that I could trust her and that she does love me. When she's nice I can't imagine her being mean. It always takes me by surprise. I've come to hate myself for always letting her coax me into trusting her again.

I have too many experiences with my mother to describe each story in full detail, so now I'm just going to list different things she has said and done:

-She once told me "I want to leave and never come back," then later denied ever saying it and said I was lying.

-She would always accuse me of strange things I didn't do, like cutting holes in towels and breaking the plants in the yard.

-Once I got a job and when I came back and told her, she screamed at me for hours until I was sobbing, begging her to stop over and over again.

-She once made a list of everything I've ever done wrong.

-When I told her my religious beliefs she said "For such a smart girl, I can't believe you could be so stupid." Then she told me I'm going to hell, which she actually tells me fairly frequently.

-When I told her my political beliefs, she screamed "You're 17! You don't know anything!" and continued to invalidate my opinion with insults.

-She mocks me when I cry, sometimes calling me a crybaby or demanding that I stop crying and threatening me with punishments if I don't.

-She wouldn't let me start driving until I was a senior in high school. Even now that I have my license, she still won't let me drive alone. She drives me to and from work, even though I'm a great driver. This keeps me trapped in the house and completely dependent upon her. To patronize me, she would make me thank her for the rides in a nice tone of voice every single time.

-If I wear anything slightly revealing, she'll say I look like a trashy hooker.

-If my friends look at her strangely, she'll later yell at me and say "I know you told them about me. Don't tell about our family life. You don't air dirty laundry in public." She made me feel like I couldn't tell anyone what was going on.

-Whenever she would pick me up from seeing friends, if I made her wait even three minutes, she would tear into me when we got home. She wouldn't even let me say goodbye to my friends.

-She wouldn't let me see any concerts during high school for absolutely no reason, but for the sole purpose of exercising her power to arbitrarily say no.

-One day, I told her I was feeling really really depressed and she said that it's a part of life, that life is pain, and to get over it. When I asked to see my therapist, she refused. She doesn't like my therapist because my therapist doesn't blame me for doing everything wrong, but rather sees how dysfunctional my family is and knows I'm not crazy. Because she doesn't tell my mom what she wanted to hear, she kept me from seeing her until I was crying and begging for help.

-Sometimes she would yell "What is wrong with you?!" and I would scream that I'm human garbage. She didn't disagree with me, even when I broke into tears.

-She would describe the household as a benevolent dictatorship, in which she was the dictator. I had no say, even as I grew older. When I came back over Christmas break as an 18 year old, my parents wouldn't let me go out to dinner with a friend downtown because "it was too late," (it was 10pm). They always treat me like a child.

-One time I went on a walk and during the walk decided to go to the adjacent subdivision to say hello to my friends. When I came home my mother started yelling at me, saying I had lied to her about where I was going and that because I had gone out then decided to go somewhere different, it was an "action-lie."

-One time I had the audacity to email her an article about parental mental abuse. She later broke me down to tears, insisting that she's not abusive.

-She would call me things like: bitch, brat, nasty, rude, manipulative, conniving, sadistic, liar, lazy, ungrateful, mean, stupid, arrogant, selfish, difficult, etc.

-She told me that if was crying during an argument, it wasn't because I was actually hurt but because I was trying to manipulate her.

-She would get mad and belittle me whenever I used large words because she felt I was only using them to purposefully make her seem stupid.

-She would insist that I'm not as smart as I think I am and that she could have done the exact same academic program as me (invalidating my academic achievements). She wouldn't let me be proud of anything or tell people about my accomplishments, because to her that was arrogance. I'm now ashamed to tell people about my accomplishments, or even my major because she trained me to feel bad for being smart.

-She would very rarely ever tell me good job, but always point out the little things that I did wrong (i.e. a spot left on a pan, using the wrong product to wipe off dust, etc).

-I used to be slightly overweight (like 10 lb). My mom is about 60 lb overweight, yet she would say I was getting heavy and would start making rude remarks about me eating too much and getting fat. This happened even after she knew I had been bulimic and anorexic.

-One time she began throwing plates in my direction.

-After fighting with me, she'll often tell me to leave the room because she can't even look at me.

-She's a bit of a hypochondriac, and whenever she has heart palpitations she goes to the ER and blames her stress on me, saying that it's all my fault.

-One time she told me she didn't want my friend to come over anymore. I was going to leave for college soon, so I didn't really care. Then we when I was unloading the dishwasher, I accidentally knocked off one of her teacups and it shattered. When I told her what had happened, she told me I did it on purpose because I was mad at her (I didn't). I apologized profusely and even started crying because I felt so bad and she was so angry. I gave her the rest of my money from waitressing to buy a new one identical to the broken one. Yet even then, she still continued to belittle me and make me feel awful about myself, putting words in my mouth and stating her hypothesis about why it happened as though it were the objective truth.

-Whenever I say I want to travel somewhere, she automatically shuts me down, bitterly saying "Well I've never been there, why should you get to go there?" It's like she doesn't want to me to experience more things than her and that I'm making a statement about how I'm better than her by merely saying places I want to see.

Because of all this, when I can even hear footsteps leading up to my room, my heart starts racing and I start panicking because I don't want her to come near me. Living in my household makes me so depressed. When I'm crying for hours, feeling so alone and disempowered, I know I can't escape. I can't drive anywhere alone. I'm stuck there completely obeying their rules. When I'm away from home, I can see that my parents are unhealthy and dysfunctional. However, when I'm there, they convince me that I'm wrong and an awful person. Within the last couple years my parents marriage has been crumbling as well. Now things at home are worse than ever; I'm terrified to go back home for another three months. I'm afraid I'll become isolated and depressed and won't be able to recover. Once I finish college and no longer need their money, I'm going to divorce myself from my parents. No amount of inheritance can make being in contact with them worth it.

Well, that's my story.

Hello. I recently stumbled upon your website after searching for ways to cope with an emotionally abusive mother. I am 16 years old and was hoping I can get the full test for free. After today's events with my mom I could really use it. My mom always makes me feel awful about myself. If I make a mistake her eyes she'll flip out at me. Sometimes I don't even have to do anything and she'll get mad at me. She'll find a way to twist a situation to make me out to be the bad guy even if I'm clearly not. I always feel under pressure, if I don't meet her needs I'll have hell to deal with. She always makes me feel bad about myself and guilty. I feel more like her punching bag than anything else. She feeds me,buys me stuff, and doesn't physically harm me, but her words are what do the most damage. This has been going on for awhile now, I don't even really love her. I've started to become emotionally detached from her at age 9 and now to this day I don't feel any love towards her at all. I feel really guilty about it too. I try my hardest to get that feeling there, but it just doesn't come around. Thank you for providing a helpful website and thank you for reading.

Hello, I took the test twice. My first result was a 72, I was in shock and first and couldn't believe it. I took it again and got a 71. I'm still kind of in shock. There were a few questions that I was conflicted with say yes or no, but a lot of the questions were very accurate. I feel pretty guilty and sad about this. I don't purposely make my mom out to be a bad person, but she does some of the things on these list and it's hard to deny it. I can't make it go away no matter how hard I try. I feel conflicted though. She's not cruel and mean 24/7, but when she is it hurts really badly. I keep questioning whether what happened was real or am I being over dramatic? I don't have a second opinion in my life (like a friend or family member) to consult with or talk to about this, so I'm up to my own interpretation. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in a situation like mine. I don't know whether to stand up for myself or let things pass and move on one day.

Right now my mother and I are having an argument and I looked at the 10 questions you provided me and can actually relate quite a lot. I would like the rest of the 113 questions to really make sure.

My mother was wrong in a situation but believes that I was the wrong one and refuses to apologise to me. She always has to have the last word and will drag the fight on until I eventually shut up and leave because I don't want her to see my tears. Whenever she's unhappy because of me she complains to my father without me knowing and convinced him that I was the one who made her sad and he takes her side even when she was the one who made me sad first. Whenever I defend myself against her berating me, she always says to me "You think your so smart saying those comebacks to me" and that I should just shut up because my comments aren't needed. She always calls me ugly and fat whenever she gets the chance to. She invades my personal space and often goes through my stuff to find things to blackmail me with and whenever she brings up something she found in the diary or whatever I am always so hurt that she went through my things but whenever I say that "going through your child's belongings is a fast way to lose their trust" she screams at me and gives me the silent treatment for days. Whenever I try talk to her at all during that period she just snaps at me and brings up the no trust incident. I don't know what to do and right now as I'm writing to you is during one of her silent treatment days. It hurts me whenever she snaps at me and usually brings me to tears. I always have to be the one to apologise even if she's the one in the wrong and she hasn't EVER apologised to me before during my whole life. It is just my mother who emotionally abuses me where my father physically abuses me every so often.
This is my situation

Hello! I'm Thalia. My parents used to be very kind and reasonable, but after the birth of my brothers, they have slowly become impossible to deal with. When one of them have a bad day they are determined to make everyone else's a living Hell. My mother in particular, while her temper tantrums are far fewer than my father's, is usually more personally insulting. Today she ran around the house calling me a 'fucking bitch' over and over again because I walked away from her after she said something that I found insulting. The one time I dared to call my father out on the fact that he can be pretty mean to me sometimes, he stopped the car with the windows rolled down and yelled at the top of his lungs, "shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch'. I have a couple mental problems, one of which being dermatillomania, and even though every psychologist website you go on tells you that punishment is not the answer, they'll yell at me for a while and take away my phone every time they think that my dermatillomania is getting bad. Whenever I suggest that it isn't working they'll yell at me, laugh at me, insult me, and just generally make me feel worthless. They always say they love me, and they hate that I stay in my room, away from them, all the time, but I feel like every time I come out, they do something that makes me want to leave them. They have both gotten violent every once in awhile. They've slapped me, grabbed my arms forcefully, and my mother once pushed me down the stairs. One particular night they threw me down on the ground while my mother, with her high-heeled boot, kicked me in the sides repeatedly (this was because of my dermatillomania). I'd just really like to know if I'm overreacting by taking this quiz.

hi, my name is alex & i have been questioning for my whole life if my mother is emotionally abusive. i have had a rough childhood, despite me still being 15 years old, i have seen my mother be abused by my father physically. it started when i was 9 years old around thanksgiving, my father wasn't abusive then & all was good, until my mother started to get suspicious of my father's actions. he was more distant, stopped sleeping in the same bed, & on his phone 24/7. turns out he was cheating. this is when all the yelling started more so he said, she said type of stuff. of course, lucky me heard the screaming & crying & always had to intervene so they would stop. i didn't get decent sleep whenever they yelled, it was hard for 9 year old me. i was in either 3rd or 4th grade telling my friends what happened & they were shocked. see, i thought every family went through this, but supposedly they don't. i ended up being unfazed for the next 2 years by my parents yelling until they started hitting & punching. i cried myself to sleep at school but had somewhat decent grades surprisingly. my dad eventually got kicked out of the house + killed himself on july 18th, 2013.

i have ptsd from my past violence & am traumatized from my past. i'm professionally diagnosed with anxiety, depression, & bpd. i also currently go to therapy. recently my mother has been getting more agitated because we cannot afford her medication now. she has yelled at me for the tiniest things & isolates me from friends & family whenever she has the chance too. i really can't even stand to be in the same house as her anymore. i'm really not doing mentally ok. she has been in denial about her emotional abuse towards me & acts like the perfect mother when someone is around. i've been thinking of running away for a long time now but i have no in real life friends, so i have online ones. my one friend is willing to take me in, but that won't be until after i graduate. i'm only going to be a sophomore this year & i graduate in 2019. i'm only 15 years old, so it's not like i can legally move out yet. is it possible for me to get out of this crazy house?? i'm not being physically abused but it still hurts to be called all these names & slurs. i really need help i can't do this anymore, i don't want to end up doing what my dad did (suicide). (+my mom is using a form of abuse called gaslighting, does this still qualify for emotional abuse?) is there anywhere i can go besides staying here? i think i'm about to lose my own mind as if it hadn't already been lost in the past.

Hello,
I came across your website when doing some research on emotionally abusive parents. Living in a home situation where I am constantly belittled, blamed, and shamed; it's taken a serious toll on my mental health. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 14 (I'm now 16) and I worry if it isn't (just) Bipolar but actually the unrelentless emotional attacks. I am hospitalized for self-harm very often, often stemming from their torment. I'm really interested in taking the full test.

Thank you,

I was wondering if I could get a copy of that test. I'm really curious about what I would get. I am 15 and am always scared, but I don't know if that's due to my anxiety/other mental illnesses or if it's a result of my family's emotional abuse. I know my parents aren't the best people, but I don't know anymore. I'm constantly scared and I feel like I match many of the symptoms for being emotionally abused, but I am unsure if those are actually just symptoms from my mental illnesses. Thank you for your time.

Hello,

I am a 19 year old girl who recently came upon your Good Mom/Bad Mom Test and was hoping to see a full copy. For years, I've wondered whether or not my mother was just mean, or abusive (verbally). Today was the day that finally confirmed the fact that I need to look into this issue more seriously.

My mom blames me and my brother for everything wrong in her life, including her failing marriage with our dad. She always needs to get the last word in, but doesn't stop there - she yells "to herself" for up to 40 minutes after the other person has stopped responding. My mom constantly calls my brother a burden that will "amount to nothing", because he has ADHD. I too have been struggling in college, and her bad temper has scared me so much that I couldn't tell her on-time that I 1) was failing courses 2) had dropped to only 2/5 courses for the year. She only found out after she yelled to see my transcripts, and the truth was revealed - the aftermath was not pretty.

I was professionally diagnosed with ADHD just this month, in a self-effort to see what was wrong with me. Despite appearing supportive, my mom has been using this information to hurt/insult me even more. In fact, today she said I wasn't worth "being spit on", and it was better if I'd just never been born. Worst part is, I didn't say or do anything significant to trigger this kind of response.

Anyway, I apologize for the lengthy description. I hope it's enough to see a full copy of your test.

Hello,
My name is Emily and I'm 17. I'd like to request a copy of your mom parent test for no charge, as I think I may be being emotionally abused by my mum.

I live with just her, and my dad isn't around - he doesn't ever bother to contact me, doesn't return texts or calls, etc. When me and my mum get along, it's usually great, though I often feel that she doesn't listen to me when I talk about the things I love. She only listens when it's something that she cares about. And recently she's been dictating how I should spend my own money.

But if we have a disagreement, it's a nightmare. She spins everything around on me. She's called me selfish, said I deserve nothing, hurled homophobic insults at me and threatened to send me away to my grandparents or my dad. She slams doors, which terrifies me, she's smashed plates and glasses before in fits of rage - equally terrifying, and every time we fall out she refuses to talk to me. If she talks to me at all, she refuses to say that she loves me, which she says all the time when we're not disagreeing. She will pointedly not say it if I do. She withdraws all affection if my views aren't like hers, and never listens to my point of view, even on things that I experience personally - like being LGBT - which she does not experience.

She blames me for her depression, her anxiety, and all of her negative feelings when we fall out. I feel like I can never disagree with her or express my own opinions, because even when I do so calmly, respectively and taking her feelings and views into account, she will always start yelling and turn it into a huge battle, even if I ask her to calm down and don't shout back.

She can take a very, very long time to calm down, and me having days off school due to my depression has sent her into this aggressive, hateful spiral almost every time.

When I try to so much as broach the subject of how she could improve our communication, she goes into the same aggressive state. She can never admit that she's done something wrong. I don't think she believes that she's done anything wrong.

Everything is so emotionally charged. If I ask her to consider things less personally, she goes off into the aggressive state again. I take very little personally. I understand that her outbursts are probably due to her emotionally unattached parents and mental illnesses, along with the stress of being a single parent. But it's no excuse, you know?

This was probably a little longer than 'a bit' about my situation at home, but thank you. I hope to hear back from you soon,

Emily.

Hi, I am 15 years old and am staying at my dads house right now. My mother wants me back and I need to show that a test I took in school was about her. Everyday I wake up to yelling, I am not allowed friends unless my mother meets the parents has to hang out with them and text them, then decides if I can hang out with them. She tends to send the friends and parents texts on how bad I am but Im not. Since I came to my dads things for me have got a lot better however every time my mom wants to see me I get sick. I'm like my father in a lot of ways and unfortunately was pushed to the point I got scared and looked for other ways out. I would like to get a copy of the test so I have something to show why I want to stay here and why my mom needs help. Thanks

To whom it may concern

I am far from a teenager anymore, as per your requirement, having recently turned 24 but I have only now at this aged realised I might be in an abusive relationship with my mother and your website and test is very interesting.

I am still staying at home with my mother as due to the fact that my salary doesn't allow me to move out.

My real story, or maybe rather when all her emotional abuse was only targeted at me began when I was sixteen but reflecting on earlier years it was definitely present earlier than that but my folks were still married then.

The very first memory that comes to mind when I think back on my life with my mother was always a feeling of walking around on eggshells, I never knew what mood she would be in or what I might be in trouble for. Being an only child I felt I was always expected to behave older that I was and people always commented on my maturity, I use to accept that as a compliment when I was younger but was it really, is a 14 year old girl meant to be mature? I got comments from my parents when I really messed up a gran total of maybe twice in my teen life such as "Oh that's right you actually are only 14"

I remember an incidents with my mother when I was much younger, still in primary school but I can't remember my age. I was on school holiday and had spent the day with her at the office, I had this art set that had from pencils to water paint in it, it was in a box that nearly look like a suitcase which was with me that day. On the way home we were stuck in traffic and she was aggravated, I had said something about its not that bad and e will get through it eventually, did this set her off, screaming in the car the rest of the way home, it was something along the lines of being stupid and I shouldn't speak but I can't remember clearly. It didn't end there, once we were home the performing continued and I remember her grabbing my art set and flinging it through the passageway where it hit a wall, alot of the set had broken due to that, I can still remember the child heartache I had felt and picking up the broken pieces not really understanding, she also hit me with a wet cloth a few times too.

I remember when I was 14, I used to be a ballet dancer and we performed at festivals where one of my favorite things was the stage make up we got to wear, it was after a performance and my mother was fighting with me about something and insisted she was going to help me clean my face during which she proceeded to call me a slut and a whore and slap me through the face,at this stage in my life I hadn't even had a boyfriend and I only had y first kiss when I was 15. I was allowed to tell my dad about what had gone down.

When I was fifteen I did something stupid and got suspend from school, she was fighting with me about this on way to a ballet class which I accepted as I was in the wrong. What I don't accept was when she hit me in the face with a back hand, she was wearing a ring which split my lip, I was told that I could not tell anyone what had happened. So with my lip swollen and bleeding going into my class I lied and said I had just tripped up the stairs coming into class. Even though slapping me in the face on more than one occasion was the extent of the physical violence I do sometimes wonder that if my father had not been around for the majority child and teenage years if this physical violence would not have been worse because on more than one occasion she threatened to put me in hospital.

Ever since my folks divorced I have been told on numerous occasions that I should never have children they only ruin your life, she never really wanted me it was actually my father, she wonders what life would be like if she never married or had children.

I was my mothers personal maid, cleaning house and washing clothing, she also came home to cooked food every night which she would often push around on her plate and not thank me for if it was not up to standard, if I dared been a teenager for a day during my school holidays and sit an watch tv the whole day they would be fights because the house wasn't cleaned or it was tidy.

I am often told to fuck off out of her life, take myself and my fucking dog and get out, her life would be so much, her life would change if we were gone. I've been called a bitch most of my life when she fights with me and useless and spineless and selfish. If I love too much I'm weak and pathetic. Every time I was getting ready to move to my father she would put a stop to it, threatening me with never seeing her again. Now she says she won't attend my wedding, she doesn't want to be there and my children will never know her.

Recently I have come to realised that she has ruined many relationships in my life with fighting and basically tantrums and saying I don't love her due to something I did and I just use her.

Now that at this point in my life because I have become more assertive as well as putting an end to her feeling she can slap me through the face she often tells me, every opportunity she gets, how much she doesn't like me, she doesn't like the person I have become.

Its a scary thing realising at my age what I actually went through with my mother and realiasing she isn't the fantastic person she claims to the world to be as well as the fact that even though both my parents provided every possible opportunity I could have wanted or needed in my life, I never had a mommy or a daddy and that I hold no admiration or respect for either of them. I am afraid that if I somehow don't resolve these feeling which as currently consuming me I will never have a healthy relationship or really even a normal life due to enormous trust issues and other insecurities I am starting to notice.

I hope I will be able to get the full test for free, it would be interesting to complete it.

Kind reagrds

Hi. My name is Raquel and I am 17. Things in my family have always been a little dysfunctional but it is really starting to take its toll on my emotional state. I don't think my mother is bad but I do think she is a little abusive. However, I don't know if I'm just overreacting or not. I know she would say I was. Thing is I'm going to be an adult next month and I want my decisions to be respected. I want to be treated like any other individual. But that's not how I am treated in my house. I have depression and it took years of me fighting for myself to get them to acknowledge it and get me help. I've been accused of lying, attention-seeking, and exaggerating in relation to my depression. It has spawned too many arguments to count. Even when they saw I'd been cutting myself, they denied that anything was wrong. In fact, they became angry with me, yelling at me to stop. My mom is very controlling and controls my entirely life. I want her help, not her control, but she doesn't seem to understand the difference. She controls my treatment (for depression), my school life, my day-to-day routine, everything. She rearranges my stuff frequently, takes stuff without asking, and tries to "clean up" my things. As a result, I can't find my things, things go missing, things get ruined. And if I get upset, she turns it on me. Actually one of the things she frequently says to me if I get upset with her, which is what maybe me start thinking about this, is that I'm abusing her. And if I get frustrated then she'll punish me by being completely hands off even if I ask her to do something for me. It's very frustrating. I don't feel like I can express my feeling in my house without being shut down. When she gets upset, she will also go crying to my dad and paint a picture where she's completely innocent and I'm the bad guy. She's also very sly about things. For example, I started thinking about moving out. I was looking at apartments and stuff. Well she found out. So she went through, found whatever charges she could dating back to even January, and put together a long list of money I now owed her. They were things she never would have made me pay for otherwise, but they were stuff I bought so it seems reasonable. She emptied my account that way. Guess who's not going anywhere. She did that to keep me from being able to move out. She also likes to punish but pretend she's not. She asked for the iPad we all use the other day so I gave it to her. When I asked for it later, she said it was "unavailable". She wasn't using it. She just doesn't want me to use it I asked to use it later and she finally obliged but she watched me the whole time and only let me use it for a small amount of time before taking it away. Today when I went to use it, I found out it now has a passcode on it to keep me out. I don't know why. She didn't talk to me. I don't know what I did. She won''t admit it's a punishment. All she's said is, you've been using it a lot. I can't stand it in this house anymore. And I know I don't have it as bad as other kids but it so bad for my emotional health. I've been feeling increasingly suicide and hopeless and powerless. I don't know what to do anymore. I need to know if I'm crazy. If you would please send me the full test I would really appreciate it. Thank you.

--

-Raquel

I don't know any other place to vent other than to myself on a word processing document, so I am reaching out to you- I want someone to listen.

disclaimer: I'm 23. Male. Filipino-American. Me and my mom only have each other. Elder brother died five years ago, dad left the family for another woman sometime in 2010/11. We're renting a room in someone else's house.

First, I feel overwhelmed. I think about being understood and misunderstood a lot. It's been at the forefront of my mind this past year, now moreso than ever.

Sometimes I want to open my flowchart software and mark all the possible permutations of an argument, the points taken and the insults slung, and figure out just all the ways that people can hurt me so I can never hurt again. I think I've gone far too long without doing it.

I feel distrustful. I try to think of words to say without accidentally stepping on others' toes for fear of disproportionate retribution. I don't want to be angry unjustly because then other people will tell me to stop being angry and that I should just take a joke and rah rah rah.

I feel distrustful for my mom. This is why I'm writing and hoping for someone to listen - because I feel as though my mom doesn't listen.

We had an argument today in the car coming home from Starbucks. It was about the details on a form we gave someone to fill out and me and mom were talking about the proper procedures about how to go over it.

She says, "It's so simple. You are so confused."

We both have experience with this form before. So we talk about it, I tell her that the form can go like A, she says B. She says something like "I am right about this. This is so easy." Can't remember exactly what but that was the impressed message to me.

I felt ignored. Her tone seemed condescending to me. So I called her out on it, told her to help me without saying things like "it's so simple" and stuff like that. And she's like "I'm just trying to help" or "how can you survive in the real world if you can't survive my tone?" or something like that.

Trying to remember "seek first to understand, then to be understood." I believe I didn't employ that to the best of my ability. It's difficult for me. I admit now, I've never said anything like "on a scale of 1 to 10 how does this make you feel" or something like that in our argument. Again with the overwhelming feeling of thinking about the ways that people can hurt me and how if I said something like that I would sound... awful. I don't think that should stop me from trying, so next time I want to do better.

But I did try to use "I feel" sentences. I don't think it worked out well in my favor either. Told her long "I feel" sentences like "I feel like you don't listen to me." And then they turned into "you" statements because it happened too much to me. "You don't listen to me. You never listen to me."

Then she pulls out "you" statements - "you always treat my words as though there are something wrong with them." I try to explain to her that "you don't listen to yourself" or something to that effect, can't remember what exactly. But I felt ignored enough, energized enough to tell her that.

She then shames me, compares me to her own siblings, who never had a problem at all because they were all so respectful to their mom and dad and that I was a problem for not doing that and that yelling at my mom is automatic disrespectful shutdown that should not be heeded and therefore indicative of a one-sided problem that cannot be two or more sided, lost all nuance, really seething right now, feeling numb, want to punch all the keys on my keyboard.

And then she tells me that I'm the one who needs a counselor. Perhaps she is right. There's totally something wrong with me, and there is totally nothing wrong with her at all. Yep. Totally blameless. like "we wouldn't have a problem if you didn't have a problem with the way I have problems with you! stop having problems." or something like that. I'm too upset to remember. But yeah - i need an outlet.

so we get home, tells me to not stay outside in the car because people will think I'm "cuckoo." Chides me for acting like a child. What is childishness but a misappropriated sentiment used to condescend. Unnuanced. Unloved. So I stay in the car for a while. I cry.

And I'm sorry about being angry at her, if that's something worth apologizing about. I am afraid that if I apologized to her that she would say something like "told ya so" and be unwilling to learn from me. I resent that unwillingness, that staleness. But this keeps happening. Sometimes I don't feel like forgiving because I fear the forgiveness I will be given in return is not adequate, not acknowledging enough.

I don't enjoy getting mad at people. I don't want to hate. I think of peoples' friendships ending, two peoples' turning their backs against each other, one of them flipping the other off, and then years down the line they make passive-aggressive jokes at each others expense- I think of apathy, refusal to mend, keeping that apathy FOREVER AND EVER when I want to hate.

So I cry. I cry because I've always done so. As a little kid, I cry. Things don't go my way, I cry. Possibly endearing when in Kindergarten but crying over the supposed little things in middle and high school is ridiculous to many people, and I understand where they're coming from. They want the "keep calm and carry on" meme. They want stoicism. They want to joke about it and move on with life. (Do they? Am I sure that's what they want? Is it helpful to generalize?)

Eventually I go back in the house. Later she apologized. She said, "I'm sorry." But then she followed it up with "you're too hard on yourself" and "that's life." Again, I felt ignored. It seemed like she didn't apologize for any mistake I called her out on, regardless of whether or not it was "right." Didn't apologize about things that made me angry.

She told me to "not be too hard on yourself." I don't know what it means to be "too hard on yourself." You have a section on that? I looked on your site, didn't get much results. I'd ask my mom but she'd probably rant and invalidate me. For my protection, I don't want to be invalidated. I want to guess, though. Does it mean - don't cry too much? Don't pity yourself too long? Is she concerned with the time I'm not using that could be used to create things instead of moping around? Is she concerned with efficiency, doing the most, living the best? I don't know. I really don't.

Like asking her about things - the whole "i'm just saying it like it is" or "that's real life, deal w/ it" crap really gets to me. It upsets me. It's reductive. I feel upset enough to say that keeping life to simple, stoic ethos should not take priority over feelings.

We've had these kinds of arguments before. Like once every two months.

I don't believe I'm doing a very good job at understanding people. I still have a lot of work to do if I get into arguments with my mom about it. I want to acknowledge my mistakes and move on. I want to be angry and move on. I want to have a right to be angry for being in a lower position of power and move on. I want not to be shut down because I'm yelling in my mom's face, not to be shut down because of an "internet tone argument." I yell in my mom's face because I feel ignored. Constantly, even. I want her to see past the anger and not shut me down because I yelled in her face. (in actuality I just raised my voice and told her to shut up. didn't face her. it's hard for me not to raise my voice when i'm upset.)

I want my mom to be on good terms with me. Is that a reasonable expectation to have? I don't want to be hated. The thought of being hated by my own mom terrifies me. To be constantly misunderstood and shot down and have my own mistakes amplified - that upsets me greatly.

I hope this was coherent enough to understand, though writing more about this overwhelms me. I'll stop here before I collapse into a pile of crap.

Thank you for listening.
Mark

Imagine this. Imagine having someone who is supposed to be a role model in your life, be someone who has a pattern of having intensely reactive emotional responses to every situation thrown at them. Someone who has a pattern of demanding, critical, and chaotic relationships instead of reasonable communication. Imagine that person misinterpreting every situation whether it being while it's happening, or in the future. They have a pattern of intense periods of inappropriate anger, narcissism, and just hurtful behavior. That’s my mom for you. Though she has never been clinically diagnosed (because if we ever brought it up to her, I would be screwed), we are pretty sure she has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

My mom is unpredictable. I don't know what side of her I am going to get at any giving moment. She could be joking with me one moment, and screaming the next. You could label the things she says as Verbal Abuse. She lacks the morale to be able to attune to anyone else's needs besides her own. For example, today, I was walking to our car, and this car started backing out hitting me lightly in the side thankfully stopping in time so it didn't hit me too bad. I was not injured at all but instead of my mom saying, “Are you okay?” she proceeded to yell every obscenity in the human language talking about how much of a careless idiot I am. Not once caring if I was okay. Not once caring about my feeling. Hitting me in all my insecurities, while all I could do was quietly say, “I’m sorry.” multiple times throughout.

I have grown up with this all of my life. In these past 15 years I have been in this world, I have felt everything because of my mom. I have felt numb, sad, angry, guilty, tense, and worthless. My mom has the ability to break me. The worst part is, she is the only mom I have. The only example of what a mom should be like. And before you start thinking I am some bratty typical teenager who hates their parents, that is not the case at all. My mom freaked out on me on mother's day because I didn't post a Facebook post “early enough” on mother's day. It was 9:48PM. It was still mother’s day. I was going to finish my homework and then post it, but nope. Apparently I didn't post it early enough after I had given her a good morning call, bought her gifts, and everything. And because I didn't post this Facebook post early enough, she screamed at me about how rude, disrespectful, and horrible and unappreciative I am, making me feel horrible.

Anyone I tell any of this, they meet her and they think I am over reacting. This is because she has mastered the art of being fake. Everyone goes, “Oh! Your mom is so nice, so cool, etc.” And I, internally, am just like, No. No. NO. Every Time I am with her, I am walking on eggshells. Waiting to be yelled at. Waiting to feel guilty, to be in the wrong, etc. And, there is nothing I can do about it. I could go full time with my dad, but I don't even think I could do that. Not because I don't want to, but because that process would lead to me feeling horribly guilty when I shouldn't and would probably ruin me mentally.

I have no personal life. My mom controls every aspect of my life. She reads all of my texts, especially the personal ones I ask her not to read. She loves having control over every situation. She judges me too. Anything I say in front of her that does meet her expectations, I get yelled at about later. Every word I text is scrutinized by her because she has a certain expectation of everything I do and doesn't let me my own person. She dictates how I feel. If I ever get into fights or arguments with anyone else including my dad, she dictates anything I say and emails them a hundred things reporting things that I am saying that I have never said or she exaggerates on. I have known this deep inside, that she wasn't a regular mom, the past 15 years of my life. But haven't really addressed it until now.

How has this impacted me you may ask? I am super nervous to bring friends home. Only because I know she will judge them. No matter how nice they are, how good of grades they have, what sports they play, etc. she will judge at least one thing about them. She also will insult me in front of my friends and tell them everything personal about me and gets mad when I send her a look to stop talking about it or if I just get quiet. I also apologize a lot. Even if someone else did it, I apologize. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. At least three times a day I apologize for something. This is because of how my mom belittles me and everyone else around her. If I am not apologizing for something I did to upset her, I am apologizing for what she is doing to other people. I usually have to do it discreetly with a look with my eyes or a whispered sorry because if she knew I was apologizing to other people for her, I would be screwed. I also cannot hold a regular or even serious conversation without smiling or laughing at least once. This is because I don't know how to speak for myself. I watch everything I do or say to people because I am so used to my opinions not mattering to my mother. I cannot say “No.” to people because I am so used to having to say “Yeah! No problem.” “Yeah, I can do that.”, “Sure!”, to my mom or I get yelled at as being unappreciative.

She will not do anything for herself. She makes me go and get her waters, diet cokes, etc. from the fridge downstairs while she is “working” in her room. She makes me and my brother carry her workbags up the stairs. She makes me carry all the suitcases up the stairs after vacations. She does not help one bit. When we are at her house, we are her own personal slaves. And we can't do anything about it or else we are in trouble.

She is also highly into fashion. Every single day, every single outing, she wears a black dress and heels with her hair done to perfection and her makeup on point. For me? She judges anything I want to wear. I want to wear basketball shorts to school? “No. You look like a dude.” I wear my ponytail “too low”, “NO! You look like a dyke.” She has a certain idea in her head of what's right and wrong. And no, they are not good ideas. She constantly asks me, “Are you planning on offing yourself?” With a slicing motion with her hand over her neck so casually. She sees someone with cuts on her arms, “If you ever do that, I am putting you in a spongy box at a home.” or “That’s a girl, who, slices her self.” with such a judgmental look in her eye. I personally don’t feel this way, but that’s how she does. And god forbids, I am dead if I ever argue.

If my mom died right now, I would feel free. I know that is horrible to say. But honestly, I don't think I will ever be able to get away from her until she dies. And if that happened right now, yeah I would be sad, but I would feel so free. I would feel relieved. I would possibly have the chance to lead a normal life. All my life I’ve tiptoed around her and others afraid of triggering despair, rage, anger, abuse, etc. out of them. All because of my mom. If she were gone, I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. The cause of 99% of my stress and problems in life would be gone.

She has ruined me emotionally. I am so used to her demeaning comments and rage that I just internalize it all. I constantly feel numb and I have lost the ability to feel. I don’t think I have actually felt happy, genuinely happy, in years. All because of her. She has this despicable way of making me feel as though everything is my fault. All Chloe’s fault. And I don't know if that means it is, but my god, it is a shitty feeling.

In three years, I will be off to college. My brother, who is twelve right now, will be starting high school when I go to college. Right now, and the past 12 years he has been alive and 15 for me, I have always been my mother prime release for anger. Her target. Luckily, my brother hasn't had to face the wrath she has thrown at me to the extent she throws it at me. But she has manipulated him in more ways than one. When I go to college, I won't be able to protect him from her. The only protection he will have will be when he goes to my dad's house. But even with that, he will be with my mom at least 50% of time unless he someone musters up the courage to leave her. I don't ever want him to feel even 1% of the things I have with her. But can't really control that, can I?

I have learned what I don't ever want to be as a mother. I will listen to my kids, I will value their opinions, and I will spend as much time as possible with them. I will let them make there own mistakes and be who they want to be without me dictating it unless absolutely necessary. I will treat them with respect, though expecting the same in return. I want to be there role model. I will never be who my mother is. I would rather die than be like her. She will not be allowed near my kids when I am a mom, and if I do let her, it will be closely monitored. She may be able to ruin me, but I will never let her ruin my kids or anyone I am close too. I won't. I think the worse part, for me, is that I don't know what an actual mom is like. When I am a mom, I will have to go off what I believe is morally right. I see other kids with normal moms, and I am thinking how did I get so unlucky. I worry that I will be an unfit mother because of how my mom treated me. But, I also know there is a good chance I will be better than she ever was. That is all that matters to me. I want kids to have the best childhood they can have, and it will never be anything like mine was.

What are the good things that have come out of me being her daughter? Of me having this parent who is crazy, manipulative, judgmental, and just a awful person overall? I have learned to think before I react. My mom never looks into situations before she reacts; she just does whatever she wants without thinking. I have learned from this how to see the situation for what it really is and react in a way that I believe is morally right. I have learned to judge people not so quickly. My mom judges people that are depressed, self-harm, have disabilities, etc. I have learned to realize everyone has a story and everyone has a reason for everything that they do. I have also learned that people who have disabilities, they are the same as everyone else and we shouldn't treat them like they are dumb idiots, because they are not. They are just like everyone else. They are the perfect people they can be, because they are they. I have also learned to have open arms. If I see some old lady crying on the streets, I am going to walk up to her and give her a hug. If I see a homeless person, I am going to give them what every change I have in my pocket. Every person I walk past, I am going to smile at. Even if they don't smile back, at least I will know that I smiled at them. If I see anyone in distress, or anyone who seems lost, I am going to do everything I can to help them. Like if I see someone who clearly isn't okay on the streets, I am going to go and help them. Especially if they were in a place of harming themselves or others because, I would rather I get hurt in the process of trying to help them rather than them hurt themselves or others.

My mom has made me a better person overall. I mean, I do have some things she has passed down to me that probably aren't the greatest that show in my personality, but overall, I know what is right over wrong, I know how to see things for how they are and not how they seem, and I have just learned to be a warm hearted person in general. My mom has control of everything in my life. But she does not have control over who I am as a person and my morals in life. But even though I have become a better person from her, she has broken parts of me that I cannot fix. I can definitely improve, but I cannot fix. Even though I hate it, she does affect me in ways that I cannot control because I am forced to listen and be subject to everything she says.

The craziest thing she has done is ruining my dad's most recent relationship. The past 6 years of my life up until 3 weeks ago, my dad (and me and my brother when we are with him) has lived with his girlfriend, her kids, and us. Every problem that occurred during that time, involved my mom. I would complain about the smallest things to her sometimes, and she would email my dad 200 (no joke) times yelling at him, threatening him, etc. But what caused my dad having to move out of that house and move into our, now, apartment, was her. My stepsister had written a not so nice text about me threatening to “Kick my ass” basically. I had read it back in June on her phone and took a photo of it but never said anything, knowing it would be blown out of proportion. My mom ended up seeing it on my phone and threatened to get a protective order against my stepsister (not legally, but call them that). She sent them countless emails and whenever they responded, she would brainwash me in the moment that they all hated me. She then took everything I said to her out of context and would email them a bunch of lies. My dad ended up being forced to move out of the Aikens house. That gives a context of how bad she is. If she can force my dad to move out of his girlfriend’s house and end up having to pay for two places, with just her threats and manipulation, imagine what else she can do.

I guess my epiphany is more so me realizing kind of who I am and what has made me, me. My mom has ruined the lives of many. She has manipulated many. She has hurt many. But she has not completely brainwashed us. We know who she is as a person, and we are slowly accepting we cannot change that. Just keep swimming is what we have to do. We are prey, she is the predator. One wrong move, we are goners. We spend our lives one way, and that is walking on eggshells.

^explaining my situation I wrote it

Hi, my name is M. and I'm 18 years old. Recently I've started doing some thinking about why I'm so sad all the time. I could never really figure it out, I was always told that there was just something wrong with me, so that's what I went with. But then I realized that all these years I have been under a tremendous amount of stress, which in turn has caused my depression and anxiety. I moved in with my dad and step-mom when I was 12 years old, I decided to leave my biological mother's house due to the lack of support and love. I felt appreciated and cared for at my dad's house, what kid wouldn't want to feel that way? Everything was great, my step-mom, Kelly, and I got along amazingly. It felt like she was my real mom, our bond seemed unbreakable. As I grew up, I fell into the normal teenage behaviors; I began increasingly lazy, unmotivated, and acquired some bad habits like lying and talking back. That was when everything at home went downhill. What everyone around me saw as normal teenage stuff, my step-mom saw as "sociopathic behavior". She began labeling me as such, pushing me to go to counsellors and doctors for medication and treatment. I didn't fight it, she isn't the type of woman you can win an argument with. With my new therapist I talked about the stress at home and the unachievable expectations my step-mom had for me. She made me tell her what I talked about with my therapist, so I told her the just of it. I was no longer allowed to see that therapist because she said I was manipulating them to feel sorry for me when in reality I was the problem, not her. So she took me to the next counsellor, and the same thing happened. To be exact, it happened 7 other times. My life at home became increasingly more difficult. Anything I did wrong was seen as sociopathic or narcissistic qualities. In Kelly's eyes, I was extremely mentally ill. She yells at me, and tells me that she no longer sees me as her daughter, that if I don't "change my behavior" she will kick me out. Every time she's home I feel panicked and anxious. When I'm "behaving myself", she treats me fine, buys me treats and asks me how I am, she lets me know she'll always be there for me, that she loves me. But when I'm in trouble, she hates me, wishes that she had never let me into her home. She resents me, calls me all of the names in the book, and all I can bring myself to do is sit there, in silence. After every argument I'm left feeling destroyed and worthless. However, I love her. And it's gotten to the point where no matter how many people tell me that I'm living in an abusive environment, I don't believe them. I know how crazy that sounds to everyone. I feel as though she deserves to treat me the way she does, because I messed something up. So, I don't know if this quiz will help me realize that I need to do something about my environment, or if my mind will just disregard the results. But I thought its worth a shot.

Thanks

Hi, I'm a 16 year old female teenager who saw your "Good mom-Bad Mom" test and was wondering if you could send me a full copy of the test. My experiences with her are very confusing because on a usual day she's not really that bad, the only issue is I can't really talk to her without being yelled at, but its gotten to the point where I'm so used to it a lot of times I dont realize that she's raised her voice, but when things do go bad they go pretty bad. She is a devout muslim and frankly, I'm not. One incidentt thats clear in my mind is a day I wore a shirt that lifted up at the shoulder showing a little bit of skin. For some reason my mom flew into a frenzied rage when she saw me wearing the shirt even though she had been the one at the store to convince me to buy it. She screamed at me, telling me I was the devil and the worst child (I'm the youngest of three) that she had. On a 45 minute car trip to a neighbourhood in Chicago she proceded to contiune to yell and scream at me, telling me to take my phone and quit my job, or telling me how worthless and disgusting I was, until I was over crying and felt numb to what she had to say.When we later sat down at a resturant I broke down and just kept repeating "I don't want this, I don't want this, I don't want this." but she seemed more annoyed than concerned. I remember clearly how incredicly tired I was from the inside, which was weird. Another thing that she will do is take me to public areas, like resturants where my classmates work, and will humilliate me, telling me how awful I am to the family and how I need to change, while all I can do is sit there and squirm. I decied to take this test because today my mother got mad at me for something small and decied to tell me to pack my stuff and leave, which I did, (she has done this in the past) I walked to the police office, but she managed to get her car and stop me on my way there. I was in tears and she decieded she wanted to go shopping so she brought me with her to the store. I have to say it was pretty embarrassing cause once I start crying I can't stop, and I was in public. When we got back home I was so exhausted I went to bed. I woke up to my mother telling me to get up for dinner, she tsked when she saw me in bed and got in with me to hug me. She was not forgiven in my eyes but I was so tired and confused from being woken up that I did not really realize what was going on until she got up and left, taking my "acceptance" of the hug as a way of me saying the issue was over. I was pretty angry when I finally came to my senses. I tried to tell my mom how she had hurt me but she got my dad to sit down with us and together they twisted my words to make it look like I was lying for some evil reason. I'm confused over wheather shes a bad mom or not because she only does this sometimes. So I would love to be able to take the test.

I have reason to believe that my mother is abusive. She makes me believe that I am a mistake, though does not admit to saying that later on. I'm constantly bullied and called names. She is always arguing with me and never lets me say anything back-- if I do, I get hit. It's getting harder and harder for me to even walk up to the front door of my home.

I would like to get the 113-question mother test just to be sure that I'm not overreacting but I cannot pay for it.

Thank you.

Hi,
My name is Emily. I want to know if my mom is a bad parent; I routinely lie about my grades because I'm terrified of getting in trouble. I am 16 years old. Two weeks ago, my mom found out I lied and hit me four times. She hasn't done anything like that since I was a child. I just want to know if her harsh punishments are normal or if I'm being too sensitive; I get yelled at for bringing tea upstairs and when I don't thank her for going to a chorus concert she screams at me. She sometimes says that she has failed as a mother. Thanks.

i just got done being told how problematic i am and how i need to stop playing the victim. all because i didn't clean my room a and good as she wanted to. she yelled at me for it, i cried, and then that happened.

i have no way out of here

if i run away i'll be brought back

if i try to be emancipated ill either lose the case or be sent to a mental hospital

most likely the latter

and i don't know what to do

i'm stuck here for at least two more years, probably more.

i can't tell my mom i'm being abused or ill end up like alex.

one time i sent myself a message on my phone for my mom to read when she used to snoop around on my phone and look at my messages. it talked about how snooping into teenagers phones an do reading everything when there's no need to can breed a distrust in them, and make them feel extremely unsafe. it said how it's somewhat of an abusive behavior.

when my mom saw that she didn't start talking to me about my feelings. she confronted me and said "who do you think you are, pretending to be abused?!"

it was one of the scariest moments, in which she confronted me
not in my life, but still extremely scary

i want out but i am stuck here for years

Hello,
I am wondering whether I might be able to receive the full version of the "mom test". I am a 23-year-old university student, and I moved out of my mom's house a few years ago. My parents divorced when I was a toddler, and I grew up with my mom and her parents. I carry a lot of hurt, confusion, and guilt with regard to my childhood and my relationship with my mom. I cannot, unfortunately, afford to make a donation - I am a student and money is tight - but I have found your site very helpful and would really appreciate the chance to explore further. I apologize if this is going to be a little bit long, and obviously you don't have to read it, but I feel that I want to explain why I would like to explore the test.

When I was growing up...well, it's a little confusing and muddled to me, but I remember a mixture of things...some of the time, there was so much love. My mom held me and sang to me and played with me and told me she loved me more than anything. She instilled in me a love of nature and animals, reading and art. Yet at other times, she was so angry. I was afraid of her when she became enraged. She screamed at me, calling me a spoiled brat, and slapped me in the face or grabbed me by the arm, digging her nails in. I remember her face when she did that - she looked out of control, overcome with rage. Then she would storm off to her room and lock herself in. She would give me the silent treatment until I apologized - something she never seemed to do herself. If I tried to ask for an apology (for instance, for slapping me or calling me a name) she would say "I did not say that", "Get over it", "This is getting really old", or just go back to giving me the silent treatment. Or she would say "Well, YOU...", turning it back on me. She often said "don't be retarded", "don't be ridiculous", "shut up", "I don't know what's wrong with you", "grow up", "get over it", and "deal with it". I felt that she got angry with me over the smallest things. I also remember a lot of guilt: "You don't know how lucky you are"..."Do you think the world revolves around you?" "Oh, I'm SO sorry, you just have such a hard life"(sarcastic). Often, my mom and her mom would fight - my mom and I would start fighting, and then my mom's mom would come in, and then everyone would be fighting, yelling at each other. My mom would say to me if we were arguing "Be quiet, or she's going to come up here", then if my grandmother did become involved my mom would say "See? Look what you did." Things would often end, as I mentioned, with my mom storming off to her room. Sometimes, I would sit outside, begging her to let me in. If I apologized, she did. Other times, I would just go off and cry it out by myself. Later, everyone would be acting "normal" but the issue would not get resolved. There was a lot of "joking around" - jokes that I didn't find funny, though. My mom would make jokes about me being stupid, and when I got upset she would say "Oh calm down, it's just a joke". She didn't seem to care about my interpretation or feelings about things - only hers. For example, she would sometimes hit me lightly ("playfully") on the head with a hairbrush while helping me do my hair. I asked her to stop, but she didn't, saying that I was too sensitive and to calm down, or just ignoring me entirely until I finally yelled at her, at which point she would get really angry. Whenever we fought it was "Stop yelling at me!" "Stop interrupting me!" "Who do you think you are?!" but the same standards did not seem to apply to her - she could yell, interrupt, and say what she liked.

A while after I moved out (I had just turned 20), I mentioned to my mom that I thought I might be gay. I am still questioning, but I am pretty sure that I am attracted to women. In response, my mom dropped off a letter at my house. It was kind of like a laundry list of things that she believes are wrong with me. She sent one to my roommate (one of my best friends) as well. In the letter, she talked about my anxiety and my learning disability, and called me "malicious". I confronted her about the letter, saying "This makes it sound like you think I'm basically messed up." She replied "Well, you basically are." She is Catholic, and has since decided that if I am in fact gay, that means I am being possessed by a satanic demon. I'm not even sure if I feel hurt by this or not. Sometimes (in general) I feel that I have so much emotion I will be ripped to pieces. Other times I wonder if I can feel at all.

I have been diagnosed with various anxiety disorders (generalized anxiety, social anxiety, panic disorder), and at age 18 was diagnosed with ADHD and a learning disability. I occasionally struggle with suicidal ideation, as well as non-suicidal self-harm. I sometimes dissociate, I think. I feel that my surroundings are not really real, and I feel that I cannot move. I feel lost in my mind, or in a fantasy world. Sometimes I think I might have borderline personality disorder, and I'm scared that that means I am nothing but an unlovable menace. People tell me what a good friend I am, and I do my best to be kind, sensitive, and empathetic. I am told that I am those things, and I believe it but at the same time I am scared that I am a bad person. I feel that I am never enough, that I never do enough for others, that I am not worthy, that I am broken. I am currently working on a bachelor's degree in psychology. I get excellent grades (As), and love learning and research. Often, though, I am paralyzed by perfectionism and inattention. I lost a whole semester of courses this way. Obviously, I don't want to blame all of this on my mom, or anything, but...I feel that there are connections. I also feel hurt extremely easily, and struggle a lot with relationships. I feel this intense hurt sometimes. I feel it often when I have been spending time with someone, or a group of friends, and then we part ways. And by "part ways" I just mean, you know, go home or whatever! I also feel it at night sometimes for no apparent reason. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, and I don't know why. I often feel that I am carrying this big ball of hurt and all I want is for someone to hold me and let me cry, but you don't just go around asking people for that. I have had extremely supportive people help me out, and I have amazing friends. But it never goes away, not completely. I enjoy life and have my good times and my bad times, but it never goes away, this hurt and this longing to be held while I cry. Sometimes I fantasize that other adults are my parents, or that I am a child. I sometimes make myself upset on purpose so that someone will comfort me. I know I shouldn't.

Sometimes I think I might have complex ptsd, but I don't think my trauma was severe enough. Was it even trauma? I don't know.

Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long and understand if you don't want to read the whole thing.

Thank you, and take care,

S.

Due to my concerns about my own emotional health and how my mother treats me, I took the short version of the Good Mom/Bad Mom test. I ended up getting 8 out of ten "yes" answers.

1. Does your mother tend to be unforgiving? Does she say things like "I will never be able to forgive you for that." or "If you do so and so I would never be able to forgive you." "What he did was unforgivable." : Yes, my mother often will bring up mistakes I have made in the past, saying "I still haven't forgiven you for what you did".

2.Does she tell you that it is a sign of weakness to cry? : Yes and no. While she doesn't tell me it is a weakness to cry, she ridicules me for crying, mainly when I'm crying after she screams at me for whatever reason.

3. Is it hard or impossible for your mother to admit mistakes? : In her world, she can do no wrong. The only time she "admits" to a mistake is to manipulate me. Example: "I'm so sorry I'm such a terrible mother. I'll just off myself so you don't have to deal with me anymore".

4. Does your mother always have to have the last word? : I seldom start fights with her for the sake of my emotional well being, so I couldn't really tell you.

5. Is it important for her that she always appears to be right and to win all the arguments? : Very much so. She'll yell at me for saying that I'm right, regardless of the situation, as if she is afraid of looking bad. She could say that she left her keys on the table. If I insist that she left them in the kitchen, all hell will break loose because I "always insist I'm right".

6. Does your mother make you feel responsible for her feelings (for her happiness or unhappiness or hurt or disappointments)? : I don't know how she does it, but yes. I tip toe around her on a day to day basis because it's my responsibility not to upset her.

7. Does your mother tell you she is disappointed in you? : Not directly, but she does imply it by saying she wants to "trade me in for a new daughter".

8. Does your mother ever, or did she ever, tell you that you don't deserve things? For example, "You don't deserve all the things your father and I do for you." : Occasionally, yes. Generally when she is upset, she tells me I don't deserve all the things I get.

9. Does she or did she try to get you to question your own intelligence by saying things like "You think you are so smart." or "You are not smart as you like to think you are." Or "If you are so smart, how can you do something so stupid.?" or "Why didn't you think of that?" : No, not really

10. Does your mother, or did she used to, say things like "You could do better" in a disapproving way? : Yes. Rarely is anything enough. One I reach her expectations, she raises the bar just a little higher and complains that I'm a disapointment

I suppose the reason I'm sending this email is because I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to make life at home more tolerable? I'm 16 and a junior in highschool. I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. I've battled depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts since eighth grade and my mother is adding more stress into my life than I need. Thank you for reading this, and I hope I'm not a bother

1. Does your mother tend to be unforgiving? Does she say things like "I will never be able to forgive you for that." or "If you do so and so I would never be able to forgive you."
Yes.

2. Does she make unforgiving comments about other people by saying things like "What he did was unforgivable."
Yes.

3. Is it hard or impossible for your mother to admit mistakes?,
I can not recall a time she has admitted a mistake, she avoids apologizing by stonewalling, or changing the topic to something I have done wrong, or shifting 'blame'.

4. Does your mother always have to have the last word?
Absolutely. Irrevocably.

5. Is it important for her that she always appears to be right and to win all the arguements?
Yes without a question of a doubt.

6. Does your mother make you feel responsible for her feelings (for her happiness or unhappiness or hurt or disappointments)?
For her health, finances, happiness, over-all emotional well being. Yes.

7. Does your mother tell you she is disappointed in you?
Yes.

8. Does your mother ever tell you that you don't deserve things? For example, "You don't deserve all the things your father and I do for you."
Yes.

9. Does she try to get you to question your own intelligence by saying things like "You think you are so smart. But you
are not." or "You are not smart as you like to think you are." Or "If you are so smart, how can you do something so
stupid.?" or "Why didn't you think of that?"
Yes. She takes great pleasure in thinking she has "caught me in doing something wrong" regardless of whether she is right or mistaken.

10. Does your mother say things like "You could do better" in a disapproving way?
Yes

11. When you say something which is too close to the truth or when you point out how she is acting hypocriticaly does she feel threatened and say things like: "Don't get smart with me" or "That's absurd" or "You have no idea what you are talking about" or "What gives you the right to say that?" or "How dare you say that?"
More or less, yes. Usually she stonewalls me, and walks out of the conversation to come back shortly after with remark placing blame on me, turning and twisting the situation back toward what I have done wrong.

12. Does your mother threaten you with statements like "If you ever do that again..." or "The next time I catch you..." Or "This is the last time..."
Yes.

13. Does your mother punish you with grounding, taking away the phone, tv, computer etc.?
She tries to, yes.

14. Does your mother threaten you with total rejection by saying things like: "Get out of the house and never come back." or "I don't want to ever talk to you again." or "If you leave, don't plan on coming back."
Multiple times a week. Making me feel.unsafe and homeless.

15. Has she ever locked you out of the house?
Multiple times.

16. Does she make you believe you are a bad daughter or son by saying things like "What did I do to deserve you?" or
"All the other parents have children who listen to them and respect them, but I got stuck with you." or "Why can't you be like so and so? She never talks back to her mother." or "Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?"
Yes. As long as I can remember. Comparing my sister and I to other children in public and ridiculing us. Saying she knows she did not raise us to be the way we are. "I wish I never had children".

17. Do you ever feel hated by her?
Oh yes.

18. Does your mother tell you what you "should" do a lot?
Constantly.

19. Has your mother ever hit you on the arms, back, shoulders or head?
Yes.

20. Has she ever pulled you by the hair?
Yes.

21. Has she ever try to physically stop you from getting out of the house?
Yes.

22. Has she ever pulled the phone line out when you were talking on it? (Or taken it out of your hands and hung up?)
Yes.

23. Has she ever disconnected the computer while you were on it?
Yes.

24. Has your mother ever slapped you in the face?
Yes.

25. Has she slapped you in the past 6 months?
Yes.

26 Has she slapped you in the past 30 days?
No.

27. Does she say things like "Oh great. This is all I need" or "This is just what I need right now" in a sarcastic way?
Yes.

28. Does she say things like "I can't believe you would do something like that!" or 'I can't believe you would think that!" or "How could you say a thing like that?"
Frequently.

29. Do you find yourself apologzing a lot to your mother?
Contstantly.

30. Does your mother make exaggerated threats like "If you don't do so and so, you are going to be grounded for the rest of your life."
Yes.

31. Does she make vague threats like "Either do it or else" or "There is going to be big trouble around here..."
Yes.

32. Has she ever said "I didn't ask you what you wanted!"
Yes.

33. Does she ever say things like, "When you are living in my house you will follow my rules."
Always.

34. Does she ever say "Don't you dare...."
Yes.

35. Does she say things like "Don't talk to me like that." or "That is no way you talk to your mother!" or "Don't ever let me hear you say that again."
So very very often.

36. Does she say things like "Don't be so disrespectful."
I would say daily. It is difficult to respect someone who treats you with such disregard, I must say.

37. Does she say things like "Don't be so rude."
Gosh yes. Even when I am being very polite.

38. Does she say things like "Don't be so selfish."
Yes.

39. Does she say things like "Don't be so inconsiderate."
Yes.

40. When you ask her for explanations does she say things like: "Because it isn't normal." or "Because it is not the done thing." Or "Because you just don't do that." or "Because it is sick." or "Because it is strange"
Yes.

41. When you ask her for explanations does she say things like: "Because it is wrong." or "Because it is a sin."
She usually doesn't even bother giving explanations. She stonewalls.

42. When you ask her for explanations does she say things like: "Because I said so." or "Because I know more than you." or "When you are older you will understand."
Usually she stonewalls me.

43. Does she say things like, "I don't want to hear anymore about it."
Yes.

44. Does she say things like, "Don't get fresh with me young lady!"
Not in those exact words.

45. Does your mother get hurt easily?
Yes.

46. Does your mother get defensive easily?
Very much so.

47. Do you ever say things like "My mother would kill me if..."
Yes.

48. Do you ever tell yourself or others that you can't do things because it would hurt your mother too much?
Yes.

49. Does she say things like: "You can keep your comments to yourself" or "I don't want to hear any of your excuses." or "Save it. I am not interested." or "I don't remembering asking for your opinion." or "I don't need your smart mouth." or "I don't need any back talk from you." or "Who asked you?" or "Did I ask you what you wanted?"
Yes.

50. Does she say things like, "Don't walk away from me when I am talking to you."?
All the time.

51. Does she say things like, "Look at me when I am talking to you."
Yes.

52. Does your mother interrupt you when you are talking?
Consstantly. I can't finish a sentence.

53. If someone asks you a question, does your mother sometimes answer it before you have a chance to?
Yes.

54. If someone asks you a question when your mother is with you, do you sometimes look over to her before you answer it?
Occasionally.

55. If someone asks you a question when your mother is with you, are you sometimes afraid to give the true answer?
Yes.

56. Would you lie about being hurt or abused by someone, such as a father or step-father, to avoid hurting your mother or to keep the family together?
No.

57. DSSTL "Well, I told you that was a bad idea, didn't I?" or "I warned you that would happen, but you didn't listen, did you?"
Yes.

58. Does she ask questions that include the answer, such as "That wasn't very polite of you, was it?" or "You left the milk out again, didn't you?"
Yes.

59. DSSTL "Who do you think you are talking to me like that?"
Yes.

60. DSSTL "I am the one who is supposed to be asking the questions."
Yes.

61. DSSSTL "You look like a tramp." or "You look like a slut."
Sadly, yes. To my sister as well. It is hurtful.

62. Does she try to control what you wear by saying things like "You're not going out dressed like that I hope." or "Don't wear those shoes with that outfit. They don't match." or "Why don't you wear your red dress to the party?"
Yes.

63. Does she buy you things you don't really want and then feel hurt if you try to tell her they are not what you wanted?
Yes. But I try not to tell her I didn't want it. Makes me feel ungrateful. Even though she knew what I wanted and disregarded that. Even if it was very inexpensive.

64. Does she tell you how to do your hair?
Yes

65. Does she start brushing your hair or changing it without asking you in a way that you would prefer she didn't?
Yes. But I feel like it is well intentioned.

66. Does she argue with you about your clothes or hair?
She doesn't argue. She criticizes.

67. Do you often feel interrogated with a lot of questions like "Why is this towel here?" "Why are your shoes in the middle of the floor?" "Why did you take that glass instead of a smaller one?" "Why can't you go to her house later?"
Yes.

68. Does she want to know who you are talking to on the telephone or chatting with on the Internet?
Yes.

69. Does she pry in to your private life?
Yes. She has asked friends to keep tabs on me when I was not living with her.

70. Has she ever read your diary without your permission?
If i had one, I'm sure she would have.

71. Does she come into your room without knocking or waiting for you to answer?
All the time.

72. Does she taunt you by saying things like: "If I am such a bad mother why don't you just go live somewhere else."
Yes. Yes. Yes.

73. Does she intimidate you with statements like, "You are going to kill your father if you keep that up." or "You are going to break my heart if you do so and so." or "You are going to be the death of me."
Yes.

74. Does she imply that you are a bad influence on younger brothers or sisters?
I have an older sister. I don't think that has ever come up.

75. Does she just expect you to do things around the house without thanking you?
She thanks me when she notices. But expects praise for cleaning her own house.

76. Does she say things like "What did I just tell you?" or "Were you listening to anything I just said?" "How many times do I have to tell you?"
Yes. Frequently if i say nothing or she does not hear me she will ask if I understand in various ways. Even if she hears me say I understand or yes, she will ask again.

77. Does she ask you questions about herself which are designed to make you feel guitly such as "Why do you hate me?" "Why do you think I am such a horrible mother?"
Yes all the time. She also says statements like "I am a bad mother" and etc. To which I disagree.

78. Does your mother often give you the "silent treatement" to show her disapproval, as a form of control, or to induce guilty feelings?
It's very a common practice.

79. Does your mother want you to act happy even when you are not?
Yes.

80. Does your mother lie to you or to others?
Yes but not in excess. She does try to manipulate my sister and I against one another which most likely includes the twisting of truths.

81. Does your mother deny things which you know for a fact are true?
Yes.

82. Does your mother take things personally when they were not meant to be about her?
Yes.

83. DSSTL "I know you better than you know yourself"?
She acts as though she feels that way, and has said "I know you better than you think"

84. Does she often begin sentences with, "I need you to..."?
Yes.

85. Does she often begin sentences with, "You need to..."?
Yes.

86. Does she often begin sentences with, "You have to..."?
Yes.

87. Does she say things like "Don't be so paranoid?"
More like "Don't be so selfish, rude, cynical, snappy.."

88. DSSTL "You are too sensitive."?
Yes. To my sister.

89. DSSTL "Don't be so dramatic."?
Yes to my sister.

90. DSSTL, "Don't think so much."
Yes.

91. DSSTL, "Why don't you ever smile?"
Yes.

92. DSSTL "Smile," "Cheer up."?
Yes.

93. DSSTL, "Go to your room until you can pull yourself together?"
Yes when I was younger. Now it's just "pull yourself together or get out"

94. DSSTL, "Go to your room until I tell you to come out?"
Yes when I was younger.

95. DSSTL "With everything I do for you, the least you can do is..."?
Yes.

96. DSSTL "What's the problem? Why are you crying?"
No. More like. Stop crying. Shut up. You're scaring the dog. You'll disturb the neighbors.

97. DSSTL "What's wrong with you?" ... in a judgmental or disapproving tone?
Always.

98. DSSTL "You are a disgrace to the family"?
Yes.

99. DSSTL "If you want to be treated like an adult, you will have to act like one"?
Yes.

I'm 16 almost 17 and my mom is not often violent with me but recently she scratched my arm to the point where it bled when she was angry but claimed it was accidental, and then awhile back when she was angry with me she walked up to me and hit me and when I fought back she pulled my hair. After the instance where she hit me and pulled my hair I confronted her about it and she said it was okay for her to hit me because she is my mother and I am not allowed to fight back because I am the child. I had what was likely an asthma attack a few weeks ago but when I told her she dismissed it. She is always saying I'm oversensitive and that she can't say anything around me without me taking offense. When I try to explain to her that my adhd and executive dysfunction are really bad and the reason why I am unable to keep up with my online schooling, she tells me to stop making excuses. I can't confront her about her behaviour and when I have she has always claimed I'm making her out to be the bad guy.

Sorry for not talking to you since 2015- I was going through a very difficult period. I'm now 18. I have managed to stop self harming although my upper thighs are full of scars, and I sometimes contemplate suicide. Its nearly Christmas now. I hate Christmas. It brings back unpleasant memories. Like how every year we were visited by a certain family member I hate. He always upsets me and finds pleasure in doing it. I've been made fun of, pulled by my hair, and aggressively tickled against my will. I told him at least 5 times to stop. He did not stop until my mother shouted at him. Bare in mind that this is an adult man, not a 2 year old. What he did brought back memories of me being sexually abused aged 9 and 10 ( I don't know if I told you before about this abuse). Long story short, at 9 and 10, a man who was supposed to be a substitute dad for me touched me in my private parts. I self harmed from then on. He threatened me with crazy punishments like writing out entire books. One night, I remember trying to suffocate myself, aged 10, as I have to write out an entire book before the following morning. I only realized that what he was doing was abuse when I have read an news article about sexual abuse. The memories flooded back. They are as clear as day. I'm triggered by many things including being restrained and tickled against my will. The man doesn't know that, but even then, what he has done is wrong. His mother brushed it off saying that it is just a game. I'm so mad at them!!!!! He also thought that pouring cold water down my shirt was a joke. I don't know what to think- am I crazy???? This year he is not visiting us as my mum said that he can't. If he did, I would run away for Christmas.

Also, I had bad dreams about him trying to rape me as a 3-4 year old child (but in the dream I managed to escape)???? I don't know if it is true, my imagination, or a metaphor for something. However, my uncle said (which was long after I had those dreams), that at aged 4 I was in his room screaming and wouldn't leave my mum at their house. This disturbs me. He said that they did't even check up on what was happening. Maybe I'm paranoid though.

Anyway, how are you feeling?

Hi,I'm a high school senior and I've started to realize that my mother might be emotionally abusive. She controls everything I wear and do, down to picking which colleges I can apply to and trying to get my guidance counselor to tell her who I sit with at lunch. If I ever argue with her about anything, she either threatens me, insults me, or goes through all of my social media in order to control who I'm friends with and what i'm allowed to think. When she found out I was friends with someone that was LGBT, she took me out of music classes and tried to get me to switch schools. She has threatened me with conversion therapy and has slapped me. She calls me a liar and a deceiver and always questions me in my beliefs even though she knows that we don't agree on a lot of things. She does this to my sister too. My dad does this as well but is not as bad.

Hello, My name is Lydia and I am 16 I have gone to counseling for years, with and without my mother but i feel the suffocation of my mothers home is just getting worse. I am a extremely confident and brave person outside of my home, but when my mom is around i get a spout of anxiety and fear and some parts of my body shake. My mother has never hit me but I feel a overwhelming amount of fear come over me. Recently i overcoming the after effects of a suicide attempt, and i am still on the edge from that but the fact that my mother tears me apart piece by piece hurts me even more. I was wondering if I could have a copy of the full test so i can see what things she checks on the list so i know personally i am not going crazy and not just having problems with her from teenager and mom conflicts, and really find out if she is emotionally abusive. It has been expected by 3 of my counselors that she was emotionally abusive but due to conflicts between them and my mom we did not continue going there. If you could send me the test I would be so thankful, Thanks,Lydia

Hi.

I have recently come across your Good Mom/Bad Mom test and got excited when I read that there was a longer test that could more specifically determine whether or not I have an abusive parent. But I can’t. My parents won’t allow me too. Ultimately, I’m deciding to write this email instead to give you a little insight on my life.

I suffer with severe depression and anxiety. I have panic attacks and have resorted to self-harm in the past, but I am now almost a year clean.

My dad brings me down about what I suffer with. He calls it ‘unnecessary drama’ and that I’m essentially just pretending. He puts pressure on me to succeed academically in school, to the point where I have actually considered jumping out my window to avoid him. If I don’t have a 4.0, he attacks me and makes me feel worthless, as if I’m nothing in his eyes. I’m worth nothing to him. All that matters is my grades. I could go into detail about the exact things he’s said to me and what else he has done, but I think that’s a good overview of my father.

My ‘uncle' moved in about five months ago and has made my life a living hell. He constantly batters me and abuses my little brothers but calls it ‘playing around’. He calls me selfish, pathetic, a bad sister, and said that I will never amount to anything and that I’m not an active member of society and never will be.

My mother is a different story. I rarely call her my mother anymore. I’d much rather call her by her real name but she would call that, ‘disrespectful’ and then continue to ignore me. Anyhow - my mother is an aggressive alcoholic who is in recovery. She is in an abusive relationship with my dad and constantly blames me for her depression and my father’s behavior. It breaks my heart but she says it so often that I am now numb to nearly every emotion.

She struggles with bipolar disorder, substance abuse (she is now two weeks clean from that), and suicidal thoughts. She has threatened to kill herself, because of me, at least 4 times in the past.

As I continue to write this letter, I believe it’s evident that I live in an abusive household overall. But I just want to know for sure, because there is a good side of my parents too. But they show the negative side constantly and I’m in this constant debate within myself about whether or not I’m convincing myself they’re abusive, or if I just want to play the victim for attention.

Mom Test 99 Questions

1. Does your mother tend to be unforgiving? Does she say things like "I will never be able to forgive you for that." or "If you do so and so I would never be able to forgive you."

No

2. Does she make unforgiving comments about other people by saying things like "What he did was unforgivable."

No

3. Is it hard or impossible for your mother to admit mistakes?,

YES!

4. Does your mother always have to have the last word?

YES!

5. Is it important for her that she always appears to be right and to win all the arguements?

YES!!!

6. Does your mother make you feel responsible for her feelings (for her happiness or unhappiness or hurt or disappointments)?

YES

7. Does your mother tell you she is disappointed in you?

YES. Almost everyday

8. Does your mother ever tell you that you don't deserve things? For example, "You don't deserve all the things your father and I do for you."

Yes

9. Does she try to get you to question your own intelligence by saying things like "You think you are so smart. But you
are not." or "You are not smart as you like to think you are." Or "If you are so smart, how can you do something so
stupid.?" or "Why didn't you think of that?"

YES

10. Does your mother say things like "You could do better" in a disapproving way?

YES

11. When you say something which is too close to the truth or when you point out how she is acting hypocriticaly does she feel threatened and say things like: "Don't get smart with me" or "That's absurd" or "You have no idea what you are talking about" or "What gives you the right to say that?" or "How dare you say that?"

YES

12. Does your mother threaten you with statements like "If you ever do that again..." or "The next time I catch you..." Or "This is the last time..."

YES

13. Does your mother punish you with grounding, taking away the phone, tv, computer etc.?

She used to do it all the time when I was a kid. Took away my toys, games,dolls and music players.

14. Does your mother threaten you with total rejection by saying things like: "Get out of the house and never come back." or "I don't want to ever talk to you again." or "If you leave, don't plan on coming back."

15. Has she ever locked you out of the house?

YES for about 30 minutes

16. Does she make you believe you are a bad daughter or son by saying things like "What did I do to deserve you?" or
"All the other parents have children who listen to them and respect them, but I got stuck with you." or "Why can't you be like so and so? She never talks back to her mother." or "Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?"

YES YES compares me to others a lot

17. Do you ever feel hated by her?

YES

18. Does your mother tell you what you "should" do a lot?

YES YES

19. Has your mother ever hit you on the arms, back, shoulders or head?

YES

20. Has she ever pulled you by the hair?

No

21. Has she ever try to physically stop you from getting out of the house?

No. I've never tried leaving the house. No where to go if I did.

22. Has she ever pulled the phone line out when you were talking on it? (Or taken it out of your hands and hung up?)

No

23. Has she ever disconnected the computer while you were on it?

No

24. Has your mother ever slapped you in the face?

No

25. Has she slapped you in the past 6 months?

No

26 Has she slapped you in the past 30 days?

No

27. Does she say things like "Oh great. This is all I need" or "This is just what I need right now" in a sarcastic way?

Yes

28. Does she say things like "I can't believe you would do something like that!" or 'I can't believe you would think that!" or "How could you say a thing like that?"

YES

29. Do you find yourself apologzing a lot to your mother?

YES YES. I get yelled at for saying sorry too much.

30. Does your mother make exaggerated threats like "If you don't do so and so, you are going to be grounded for the rest of your life."

Yes

31. Does she make vague threats like "Either do it or else" or "There is going to be big trouble around here..."

Yes

32. Has she ever said "I didn't ask you what you wanted!"

YES. Denies me when I express my emotions or opinion.

33. Does she ever say things like, "When you are living in my house you will follow my rules."

Yes

34. Does she ever say "Don't you dare...."

Yes

35. Does she say things like "Don't talk to me like that." or "That is no way you talk to your mother!" or "Don't ever let me hear you say that again."

Yes

36. Does she say things like "Don't be so disrespectful."

Yes

37. Does she say things like "Don't be so rude."

No

38. Does she say things like "Don't be so selfish."

Yes

39. Does she say things like "Don't be so inconsiderate."

Yes

40. When you ask her for explanations does she say things like: "Because it isn't normal." or "Because it is not the done thing." Or "Because you just don't do that." or "Because it is sick." or "Because it is strange"

No

41. When you ask her for explanations does she say things like: "Because it is wrong." or "Because it is a sin."

No

42. When you ask her for explanations does she say things like: "Because I said so." or "Because I know more than you." or "When you are older you will understand."

YES

43. Does she say things like, "I don't want to hear anymore about it."

Yes

44. Does she say things like, "Don't get fresh with me young lady!"

Yes

45. Does your mother get hurt easily?

Yes

46. Does your mother get defensive easily?

Yes

47. Do you ever say things like "My mother would kill me if..."

Yes

48. Do you ever tell yourself or others that you can't do things because it would hurt your mother too much?

Yes

49. Does she say things like: "You can keep your comments to yourself" or "I don't want to hear any of your excuses." or "Save it. I am not interested." or "I don't remembering asking for your opinion." or "I don't need your smart mouth." or "I don't need any back talk from you." or "Who asked you?" or "Did I ask you what you wanted?"

Yes

50. Does she say things like, "Don't walk away from me when I am talking to you."?

YEs

51. Does she say things like, "Look at me when I am talking to you."

YEs

52. Does your mother interrupt you when you are talking?

YES

53. If someone asks you a question, does your mother sometimes answer it before you have a chance to?

YEs

54. If someone asks you a question when your mother is with you, do you sometimes look over to her before you answer it?

YES

55. If someone asks you a question when your mother is with you, are you sometimes afraid to give the true answer?

YEs

56. Would you lie about being hurt or abused by someone, such as a father or step-father, to avoid hurting your mother or to keep the family together?

Yes

57. DSSTL "Well, I told you that was a bad idea, didn't I?" or "I warned you that would happen, but you didn't listen, did you?"

YEs

58. Does she ask questions that include the answer, such as "That wasn't very polite of you, was it?" or "You left the milk out again, didn't you?"

YEs

59. DSSTL "Who do you think you are talking to me like that?"

No

60. DSSTL "I am the one who is supposed to be asking the questions."

No

61. DSSSTL "You look like a tramp." or "You look like a slut."

No

62. Does she try to control what you wear by saying things like "You're not going out dressed like that I hope." or "Don't wear those shoes with that outfit. They don't match." or "Why don't you wear your red dress to the party?"

Yes

63. Does she buy you things you don't really want and then feel hurt if you try to tell her they are not what you wanted?

Yes

64. Does she tell you how to do your hair?

She used to. But she gave up mostly.

65. Does she start brushing your hair or changing it without asking you in a way that you would prefer she didn't?

No

66. Does she argue with you about your clothes or hair?

Yes

67. Do you often feel interrogated with a lot of questions like "Why is this towel here?" "Why are your shoes in the middle of the floor?" "Why did you take that glass instead of a smaller one?" "Why can't you go to her house later?"

Yes

68. Does she want to know who you are talking to on the telephone or chatting with on the Internet?

YES YES

69. Does she pry in to your private life?

YES.

70. Has she ever read your diary without your permission?

No. I don't have a diary. But she makes me say every detail about all of my friends.

71. Does she come into your room without knocking or waiting for you to answer?

YES

72. Does she taunt you by saying things like: "If I am such a bad mother why don't you just go live somewhere else."

Very rarely

73. Does she intimidate you with statements like, "You are going to kill your father if you keep that up." or "You are going to break my heart if you do so and so." or "You are going to be the death of me."

Yes.

74. Does she imply that you are a bad influence on younger brothers or sisters?

I'm an only child.

75. Does she just expect you to do things around the house without thanking you?

No

76. Does she say things like "What did I just tell you?" or "Were you listening to anything I just said?" "How many times do I have to tell you?"

Yes

77. Does she ask you questions about herself which are designed to make you feel guitly such as "Why do you hate me?" "Why do you think I am such a horrible mother?"

Yes

78. Does your mother often give you the "silent treatement" to show her disapproval, as a form of control, or to induce guilty feelings?

YES.

79. Does your mother want you to act happy even when you are not?

YES

80. Does your mother lie to you or to others?

YES. Lies about my grades because its embarassing.

81. Does your mother deny things which you know for a fact are true?

YES.

82. Does your mother take things personally when they were not meant to be about her?

No

83. DSSTL "I know you better than you know yourself"?

Sometimes.

84. Does she often begin sentences with, "I need you to..."?

Sometimes

85. Does she often begin sentences with, "You need to..."?

YES

86. Does she often begin sentences with, "You have to..."?

YES

87. Does she say things like "Don't be so paranoid?"

YEs

88. DSSTL "You are too sensitive."?

YEs

89. DSSTL "Don't be so dramatic."?

No

90. DSSTL, "Don't think so much."

YEs

91. DSSTL, "Why don't you ever smile?"

No. I rarely smile for real so I'm always smiling.

92. DSSTL "Smile," "Cheer up."?

No.

93. DSSTL, "Go to your room until you can pull yourself together?"

Yes. When I was a kid.

94. DSSTL, "Go to your room until I tell you to come out?"

Yes when I was a kid.

95. DSSTL "With everything I do for you, the least you can do is..."?

YEs

96. DSSTL "What's the problem? Why are you crying?"

Yes

97. DSSTL "What's wrong with you?" ... in a judgmental or disapproving tone?

Yes

98. DSSTL "You are a disgrace to the family"?

No. I'm a disgrace to her and dad.

99. DSSTL "If you want to be treated like an adult, you will have to act like one"?

YES

Hello, my name is L, I'm fourteen, and I think my mother may be abusive.
I hate labelling our relationship as such, but it certainly feels like it
is sometimes. My mother frequently takes my phone to search through texts
and emails with no warning, and micromanages every aspect of my life. She
has cut me off from multiple friends before, forbidding me from even
speaking to them. She expects way too much of me, and gets angry when I
don't meet her egregious expectations. For example, if I get below an A on
a test, she'll take my phone for a week. She always tells me I need to do
better, and will belittle me for any mistake I make, even if it's not my
fault. She also refuses to accept when people try to tell her she's wrong.
I used to see a wonderful therapist, and she tried to tell my mother to
loosen up because it was taking a big toll on my mental health and
heightening my anxiety. I don't see a therapist anymore. She's always
comparing me to other people, and getting frustrated when I don't follow
the norm, which is unfortunately most of the time. She rarely gets
physical, but sometimes in the heat of her anger she will slap me. She has
tried to tell me that I'm faking my depression and anxiety, despite having
both mental illnesses herself. But these events don't happen constantly.
She is extremely caring and wants the best for me. I know she would do
anything to see me succeed. When I disappoint her, she often times breaks
out into tears.
I can't get professional help, and this test seems like the closest I can
get with my current situation. I would greatly appreciate getting the full
test, if only for peace of mind.

Well, um hi.

This is difficult to start but, here goes. My name is Sasha. I'm 13. I was trying to figure out my situation when I stumbled across your website, eqi.com. I hadn't really found anything useful on emotional abuse that relates to my situation, so finding a website specifically about emotional abuse from mothers is a godsend. I read through your stories and finding out that other people have the same problem helps more than anything. I found the 'Mom test' that's on your website and I've already done the first 99 questions. I'm not sure what my answers mean but the word document is attached if you want to see it. I'm not actually sure what I'm trying to achieve by writing this email, other than the fact that I would like the last 14 questions in the quiz. I'm not even sure what completing the quiz will achieve either but, it's better than doing nothing. On your website, you said that I could send you an email talking about my situation and I may get a free copy of the test so.... here goes nothing.

I have a good life, all things considered. I go to an amazing (an expensive) private school. I have a roof over my head and food on my plate (if I have the energy to make it). I've got warm clothes, a phone, tablet and the mac that I'm writing this on. I can go to the doctors if I need to (if I can work up the courage to tell my parents). I'm in two choirs and a production, and am a recreaational gymnast who thoroughly enjoys all of her hobbies. My dad drops me places if I need him too, and even if there aren't many 'I love you's' in this house, my relationship with my father is stable (ish). I guess the fact that I've got all of these things makes it hard to even consider the fact that my mother is abusive. Up until now, I hadn't even known that emotional abuse existed. Abuse was drunken parents and being constantly hit, that wasn't my life and I abandoned the idea soon after learning about it when I was 7 (I think I was 7). I revisited the idea a short while ago, and now here I am. I can't seem to put everything into to words, but I'm sure as hell going to try. My relationship with my mother is...strained, to say the least. We seem to conflict on everything, whether it's the length of my hair, or my thoughts on the election. For me, I'm more focused on what effect my actions will have on others. For her, it's more what effect other's actions will have on her. My mother is misogynistic, homophobic, racist, judgemental, and a whole host of other things that I don't have words for yet. I tend to be a lot more open minded, choosing to form my beliefs on what I think is fair and just. My mother seems to have this obsession with me being perfect. I can get 99% on a test and she'll berate me for not getting a hundred. She constantly seems to attack me for the way I do things. She hates that I cut my hair. She hates that I'm not girly. She hates that I don't want to marry a rich man and have his children while cleaning the house. She hates that I like superheroes not makeup. She hates that I read Great Expectations and not my science textbook. She hates that I don't wear frilly dresses. The list is endless to me. Physical affection isn't something we do in my house, and more often than not, I'll end up shivering from a flashback, trying not to make too much noise as I cry mysef to sleep. I have masteres the art of crying silently, and looking as though I've had a wonderful morning, even if I had been crying 15 minutes before. Even as I type this, it sounds like an exaggeration, but there are not other words I can
use. I've got some not-so-great memories of my earlier childhood. Most of the flashbacks include the time when I ran into the living room, crying next to the phone an contemplating calling child services, only to be dragged, by my ankle, back to the master bedroom because I hadn't finished the stupid comprehension. Another memory included my mother sitting on my back as she yanked a brush through my hair so that she could put it into pigtails. Another memory took place right before my kindergarten graduation, when my ears were freshly pierced. She had wanted to change the earrings and she managed to get both earrings out, none too gently. I had refused to let her put the earrings in, scared that it would hurt too much. I can't remember how that ended, but since then the holes in my ears have closed up. It's come to the point in my life where everything just seems pointless. I've contemplated suicide. I've even attempted it, but I was too much of a coward to take more than two pills. I guess I'm getting off track but it feels really good to get this off my chest. So, the first person to know this about me is someone I don't even know.

I guess that's my story.

Bye~

Dear Steve,

I am writing to you in a time of real desperation in my life. I've visited your website a number of times in a bid to understand my own mothers behaviour but I haven't ever come as far to email you

I am 19 years old, male and in college studying engineering. I love my mother (I really want to stress that) and as such I cannot fathom why she finds it within herself to treat me the way she does. I constantly get put down, disrespected and belittled by her whenever she deems it necessary. I mean it when I say that I don't behave in a way that warrants this level of emotional manipulation.

Examples: She compares me to my brother or friends in a negative way. She always says how would my *grandmother/Father/Girlfriend* Think if they saw me now. She constantly says i am not good enough for my girlfriend. She always questions my behaviour and assumes I am up to no good when really I am just in my room studying. She threatens to "show them the real me". She reads my journals or my phone looking for bad things of which there are none (maybe just some cringe) often all of this goes on for hours into the night and it is severely affecting my grades. I have an exam tomorrow for Pete's sake! I hope you understand why I can't give too many personal details

It really messes with my head. I've been feeling so worthless so often for years at this stage. I won't bore you with more details but that isn't even half of what has gone on (that sounds super pretentious but I literally have journals full of situations.. could go on for hours)

She justifies all this with worry and says often that I will understand one day

I don't drink anymore (since December)/smoke/take drugs or go out clubbing or behave in any other (deemed) antisocial way. I am fully committed to my studies and want only the best for her and everyone else

I am willing to look objectively and understand that I could be making many poor judgements and as such will be as fair as I can be in answering

It is not often I ask for handouts, but it is 1am here as of the time of writing and this situation is beginning to affect my physical wellbeing and my other relationships with friends and family. I'm constantly stressed and on the verge of tears. If you wouldn't mind sending me the test I would be incredibly grateful.

Hi there.. I'm not sure if this email is still checked/if you still do this, but I read through everything you have about emotionally abusive or emotionally needy mothers and I guess I'm looking to see if you can still send the full test.

After not being around my mom for a while, I'm back in the house with my parents and my depression and anxiety have gotten so much worse. I've started thinking about running away, something I did a LOT as a kid, and it's weird because I realize now that I never thought about that when I was away from her. I'm just looking back to all this stuff that happened when I was a little kid (I was homeschooled and quite isolated, completely at the control of my mom) and starting to put some pieces together.

I think the full list of questions could help more with my sister and her relationship with our mom. She has it a lot worse than me.

If not, that's ok, I have been finding the site very helpful.

Thank you.

Good evening,

I am 20 years old and live with my overbearing mother because she pays for my university studies. About 70% of the time she is the best mom anyone could have and she truly does try her best to make me happy but things change whenever she is mad. If my mother is mad and I do anything to slightly inconvenience her then she loses it. She yells at the top of her lungs, threatens to hit me if I don't shut up, continuously shushes me and makes it a point that im inferior because shes my mother, manipulates me and tries to make me feel guilty for it, threatens to take away things she has promised, and gaslights me constantly. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted and I just want to take this test to see if maybe I’m just weak and exaggerating but I dont have the money for it.

Thank you for your time

Hello,

I got forwarded your website by my boyfriend who is very concerned about my mental health and the relationship with my mother. Currently, I am a student at the university of Stirling in my 1st year. I was supposed to be in my second year but I have had a lot of problems with my mental health, as I am suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder because I nearly died in the hospital from septicemia and toxic shock. Before this happened my mother has been very emotionally abusive and blames me a lot of stuff that has gone wrong in her life. However, since I was in hospital and I have been suffering a lot more emotionally it is harder to live with such a nasty woman.

I am scared to be home when she gets in from work as I know she will scream and moan at me for something. Today it was for not doing the washing, even though it was not mentioned to me to do it. This ended up in my mother telling me that I did nothing and that I should be working in a full-time job. She was telling me that I am worthless and I should be so happy that I live here because they don't charge me to stay. I just get so much verbal abuse and i never retaliate because I am not that type of person and if I were to I would probably be slapped or something.

More than anything I want to move out but I have no way in doing so and i know that if i want to get better I am going to have to move out. I need to talk to someone and learn how to cope and understand what I have done wrong.

I was hoping I could get the full mother test so I can understand more of what is going on. I don't have a job as I am mentally unable too so I don't have any money to put a donation towards it.

I hope you can help,

Hello Steve,

I'm really sorry to bother you, but when I was 12/13 I believe my mother used to emotionally abuse me.

I remember very little other than she used to drink a lot and say horrible things to me. Sometimes she would hit me. I don't remember being scared during these events (I prevented myself from feeling emotion, so-to-speak), but now, after 2-3 years, whenever she acts this way towards me (it isn't as often) I get anxiety attacks and I feel nothing but terror.

I can't think logically. She has started to drink more often again and I've started to become more depressed and suicidal because of it (but I'm not going to commit suicide). I really need to figure out what happened in my past. I tried therapy already and it stressed her out so much that she started acting horrible towards me again (this was back in November).

If you could please send me the full "Good Mom/Bad Mom" test I would be extraordinarily grateful. The first few questions have already helped me remember some of what has happened. I feel that I really need this. Again, I'm sorry to bother you. I hope that you begin to feel better soon, and I hope that you have plenty who are helping you.

Thank you very much.

Hi Steve. My name's Madelyn, I live in the US, and I'm 14 years old. I want to join the teen support group because it would mean so much to me if I could just help a teen fill their emotional needs by listening to them and spread the love in any way that I can. I want become a psychologist when I get older, and I plan on spreading your mediation tactics and beliefs on feelings and depression to whoever I help.
Maybe I'll be able to relate to the pain that these teens are feeling. My twin sister is controlling and invalidating. I remember a time when I just told her that they should teach about abuse in health classes in schools, and she yelled back at me "You're just going to say that you're mentally abused!" I felt invalidated and mocked. And when she wants me to do something, she orders me to. And she gets annoyed when I say that I don't like the orders. My older sister is just plain mean, but I don't see her much because she has work and school. My mom's okay most of the time, but I have this one rotten memory of her that I have to share.

My grandma just died. The funeral was the next day, so we all had to shave our legs (I don't usually bother). I did perform the action, but not completely (it's dark in the shower. I'm feeling defensive as I'm writing this). My twin asks me if I shaved them. I say yes, and she looks just to make sure. Because they're not completely shaved, she accuses me of lying. I yell back that I'm telling he truth (which I was), and then my mom comes in to see what's going on. She looks, pretty much says the same thing, I say the same thing, then, very harshly, she screams "Well, are you blind?!" I felt horribly hurt, untrusted, accused, unloved, the list goes on. Then, because I'm an HSP (I was actually reading about HSPs before the incident), I start crying. I have no shame in saying that. Then, downstairs, my dad hears it and yells at me for crying. Then my mom orders me to go into the bathroom. I don't comply because I didn't do anything wrong. Then she storms back into my room and yells "Am I talking to a wall? Get in there!" Now I comply in fear of further abuse. Then she guilt trips me while she shaves my legs, saying "You know, I thought you'd have more understanding over my mother dying." I'm holding back tears now. Both in the memory and while I'm writing this now. Then my dad yelled something else, then I yelled at him to shut up, then which he proceeds to threaten me by saying "I'll give you something to cry about!" I felt afraid and still accused. When I come back, emotionally beaten up, when I need empathy, validation, and listening most, my twin sneers at me and leaves the room. Some sister. Then I start flat out sobbing in my bed. Then I hear my dad come up the stairs. He comes in, says in a very harsh and cold tone "Grow up", and leaves. I felt very afraid, invalidated, pretty much every negative emotion in the book.

Grow up. Let's talk about that. That's all my dad ever said to md when I cried. Now I hate those words and they bring me pain. But I remember when I was little and I cried, and he hugged me and told me it was gonna be okay. I felt safe, validated, cared for, and listened to back then. But I remember the exact day I knew that it all changed. Me and my twin were in a choir in fourth grade. It was my first time staying after school, and because, again, I'm an HSP, I got overstimulated and stressed, then started crying. (I'm feeling defensive again). When our dad came to pick us up, my twin said to him that I "had a meltdown", I remember the look of rage on his face and how roughly he dragged me to the car (this is very painful to remember, but I have to say it). I felt afraid, invalidated, and humiliated and betrayed by my twin for even throwing me under the bus like that. Then some point during the ride home, my dad very sarcastically asked "So how long are you gonna keep crying? Sophomore, junior year?" I felt invalidated, mocked, and judged, which just made me cry more. I thought for the longest time like him, that tears were a sign of weakness. I let him brainwash me. By the time I was about 12, I knew that was all lies.

But I feel inferior because I don't feel like I've experienced that much pain compared to everyone else. I've read other peoples' stories, and I feel I won't be able to relate. I haven't cut myself before (I have thought of it, though), nor have I attempted suicide. But I just remembered another memory. My phone charger broke, so I had to charge it downstairs. Whatever. That night after I retrieved it and was watching a video, my dad comes in, softly closes the door (for once. My dad slams everything), and comes up to my bed, where I'm laying. He says he looked through my phone and saw a story I write about my depressed feelings. First of all, I felt unsafe because he violated my privacy, which was not okay, especially when right after, he said "I'll look through that fucking phone whenever I want to" (I think I have a greater need for privacy than most people). Then I guess he tries to cheer me up, but then he flips the situation, making me look like the bad guy by saying "Don't you know that makes me feel like a bad parent?" How you feel? How about how I feel? And the worst part is, I didn't even feel invalidated or realize that wasn't okay until much later.

This was very cathartic for me. Anyway, even though I got way sidetracked, I hope you will accept me.

More from Madelyn

hi, my name is alex & i have been questioning for my whole life if my mother is emotionally abusive. i have had a rough childhood, despite me still being 15 years old, i have seen my mother be abused by my father physically. it started when i was 9 years old around thanksgiving, my father wasn't abusive then & all was good, until my mother started to get suspicious of my father's actions. he was more distant, stopped sleeping in the same bed, & on his phone 24/7. turns out he was cheating. this is when all the yelling started more so he said, she said type of stuff. of course, lucky me heard the screaming & crying & always had to intervene so they would stop. i didn't get decent sleep whenever they yelled, it was hard for 9 year old me. i was in either 3rd or 4th grade telling my friends what happened & they were shocked. see, i thought every family went through this, but supposedly they don't. i ended up being unfazed for the next 2 years by my parents yelling until they started hitting & punching. i cried myself to sleep at school but had somewhat decent grades surprisingly. my dad eventually got kicked out of the house + killed himself on july 18th, 2013.
i have ptsd from my past violence & am traumatized from my past. i'm professionally diagnosed with anxiety, depression, & bpd. i also currently go to therapy. recently my mother has been getting more agitated because we cannot afford her medication now. she has yelled at me for the tiniest things & isolates me from friends & family whenever she has the chance too. i really can't even stand to be in the same house as her anymore. i'm really not doing mentally ok. she has been in denial about her emotional abuse towards me & acts like the perfect mother when someone is around. i've been thinking of running away for a long time now but i have no in real life friends, so i have online ones. my one friend is willing to take me in, but that won't be until after i graduate. i'm only going to be a sophomore this year & i graduate in 2019. i'm only 15 years old, so it's not like i can legally move out yet. is it possible for me to get out of this crazy house?? i'm not being physically abused but it still hurts to be called all these names & slurs. i really need help i can't do this anymore, i don't want to end up doing what my dad did (suicide). (+my mom is using a form of abuse called gaslighting, does this still qualify for emotional abuse?) is there anywhere i can go besides staying here? i think i'm about to lose my own mind as if it hadn't already been lost in the past.

Hello, my name is M. I saw on your website that you can get the full test by describing my mother and home life. I am a 17 year-old girl in high school, above average but not exceptional grades, a strong passion for art, music and imagination in general. I play violin in the honors orchestra and plan on attending college for a bachelor of fine arts degree. I do not use any substances or do anything bad in general. I am recovering from mild anorexia and coping with an anxiety disorder. My mother provides me and my family with a home, food, and other essentials. She isn't that awful sometimes, even pleasant sometimes, but at others she is. Ever since I was little I remember being called "antisocial", not as in the disorder, but in the way of preferring to be alone, but meant in a negative way. She really likes to drill it into my head how awful I am to be around, but at the same time complains that I'm never around her or the family. She convinced me that I'm a selfish, worthless waste of life. Maybe she doesn't mean it directly, but little things she does over time have ruined me. It's been worse the past few years. Little jabs and controlling behavior here and there, but now I get berated at least once a day. Feeling sad or scared or any negative emotion is greatly discouraged. If I get caught crying (in the privacy of my own room) she screams at me to shut up and stop being so dramatic. She guilts me for things I can't control; anything at all really. If it would be raining outside it's somehow my fault. When we're in public and I start to feel panicked (I try to keep it unnoticeable, maybe I wring my hands or shuffle my feet or let my eyes dart about the room) she scoffs at me and tells me how embarassing I am. She has been aware of my problems for a long time, but I have never been able to see a doctor. There's a lot of other things, little things mostly, but I feel so worthless. I have never been really hurt or threatened, so I feel like I have no place to think I'm abused. I feel guilty and terrible for thinking that way because it's wrong somehow. I wish I could really explain everything, it's just difficult to make a list with few details. Well... I'll end it here. Thank you for your time.

Hi my name is A___ and my mom has been showing me signs of abuse to me and I looked at your sample test, and I answered yes to 8 of them out of 10. I would appreciate it so much if you sent me a copy. My mom does anything to control me and she constantly threatens to send me away if I try to do anything without he permission. She is constantly cutting me off from my friends even though she knows that they help keep me alive. I am afraid to go home and when I do, I lock myself in the bathroom or hide in my room. She has taken away my phone, eliminating all possible contact with anybody. I am at school writing this to you, and I hope you will reply soon. I'm working on getting help, but for now this is the best i have access to.

Hi
My name is Julia and I'm 16.
I really need to order the whole 113 questions of the quiz in regards to whether your mother is emotionally abusive and I have no money to pay, nor a bank account though I want to make a donation in the future.
The site also says to say a bit about me. So I shall to justify why I need this quiz.
I just want to say how guilty I am. My mother isn't dead, she isn't wounded, she doesn't live somewhere else. In fact right now, she's asleep and I'm just awake, unable to.
I feel terrible because I know I'm being ungrateful but at the same time I'm aware there's something not right.
I knew since I started I see my English teacher as a mum, when I got jealous of other kids with mothers.
My mother, she also has been through a lot, perhaps why she never had time for me.
Even now I'm paranoid she'll find out about this email, my mother always says that she'll find out about everything.
When I grew up, up to the age of 7, I had a nice childhood. It was mainly my dad though, my mother never took me to parks, read me a story, she never seemed like she wanted to yet she felt like home and so I felt guilty for being such a burden. I still do.
After the age of 7, I became independent quite a lot. My family have never understood me, especially my parents. As I grew up I just stayed in my room talking and playing to and with my teddys- up until the age of 11. My family didn't want to play with me, I read books, drew bad castles with stick men, played outside and collected rocks. I isolated myself because I thought it was normal. No one cared what I did as long as it didn't impact them negatively. Yet I was bullied at school, had no friends- everywhere I went I was bullied and isolated. I became increasingly obsessive, I still am- I latch on to everything because I'm just filling a void it feels. Even now I speak to myself because I don't know any better than the 7 year old me playing with teddys. My mother is materialistic, she took me out, yet whenever we went somewhere nice I was also reminded it. If I did something naughty I'd be made to feel guilty, and if I went out I'd be expected to be good for the rest of the day. That's normal, but it was the way it was constructed. I couldn't enjoy days out shopping, because that's never interested me. I'd prefer to be in a cardboard box somewhere with a mother who asks how I am, than a mother who assumes I want to do a certain activity and never asks me how I feel. It was like all my life, money is the substitute of emotional love. That's not me yet it is to my mother. Even now I get clothes, food... But it's not the same as love, but I can't complain or I'm made to feel guilty.
After the age of 13, My mother grew even more distant. Or maybe I did. My family gave me no emotional support, I don't think they knew how to. My mother has always been self absorbed and dealing with her own problems, I feel bad if I burden her, or try to underestimate her feelings- emotions can't be measured after all. I used to go to school, come home, make myself tea and go I my room- without seeing my family. That was my routine for a year and a half. At weekends I'd just sit in the car, I wouldn't even have to speak. It sounds crazy right? I t felt so normal. Even now- my parents leave me at the weekends and go shipping all day, and I revise in my room and family time is watching the soaps on TV. I formed severe depression when I was 13, it's worsened and is worsening- thus is pain I have made me look you up, this numbing and need to escape reality... So overwhelming. I found solace in poetry, my mother hates poetry so it didn't go down well. I was isolated even more and wished I could have an interest my mother had- I like punk rock music my mother likes dance and reggae, my mother likes dresses, I prefer baggy jeans...
As I grew more depressed, I found someone online, who I still speak to and is like a sister to me. She is older but she listened to the lost and numb 13 year old who hasn't had any guidance. I left the messages open by accident one day, I came home my parents gave a concerned look and then showed me an article of, of a 15 year old girl who'd committed suicide by jumping in front of a train because of social media. They didn't talk about it ever again until last year. Last year I stupidly told my friend how I couldn't live any longer, she told my brother who told my mother. My mother didn't even say a word to me, I heard at night, saying I'm neurotic, I need professional help. She never spoke about it to me, she never got me any help. I'm glad though, when I cut (I've been clean for three months and every day is so hard) I tried to put it on the cat but my mother knew- she got angry, said social services could come, told me to stop bring stupid and selfish and I don't know what pain is. One night she took off the covers on my bed and made me show her my arms and legs, it was humiliating and luckily I hadn't had harmed myself.
Other than depression, I have a fear f death (thanatophobia)- and it developed when I was 14/15. It got so severe even the ticking of a clock my me feel sick and get panic attacks. I still have a fear of being murdered, the idea of childbirth terrifies me, whenever I hit my head I cry and hope I don't die and everyday I count how many years I roughy have until I die- so much I get upset that children will outlive me. Messed up right? Well I told my mother, after collapsing and crying begging for professional help. The first thing she said to me was- but I'm older than you, you are too young to be worrying yourself think about me I'll be dead before you.
The thought of death made me cry even more that I could hiccups and could hardly breathe. After that day my parents forgot about it, mentioned death, put on the news where there were murders... I was isolated, trapped in a broken mind. The pain grew. I become so depressed nowadays that I can't even wash myself, I lack any self care I just hate myself so much I don't care what I look like, but I just don't have the Energy, I've lost all concentration and I'm drained with no one to talk to, no mothers love.
On top of that is my eating disorder- I binge eat. Since 15. It's a living hell and one of the reasons why I'm still awake- the food is giving me too much energy. I have serious dysphoria for my body. I can't look at mirrors, i wear baggy clothes not because I want to but because I need to as anything tight makes me hate myself even more. If my mother found out she would direct it to her- she emotionally binge eats but can control it- she'd say- you're wasting my money, what about me when I binge eat, learn self control and stop being a greedy pig, how dare you, you think you can do whatever you like in This house
I know these aren't signs of emotional abuse. But that was context. I don't want pitying I just want to be understood.
My mother this Christmas found out by my brother that I was going to go to oxford or Cambridge university- for two weeks she blanked me, or just shouted at me or to other people, that I'm selfish, I use her for money and I'm just waiting until I leave home. She said that I was treating her like dirt and being secretive. I tried to explain that I didn't tell her because I didn't want to get her hopes up, but she said it was still disgusting. I think she has to forgive me because it was so close to Christmas. This isn't the first time this has happened, I realised I can't aim for Oxford etc so I aimed for sussex university- I was accused of abandoning her, doing what I wanted to do. Them she said so it's in brighton, I was like what's wrong with brighton, she said: you wouldn't fit in, people have certain trends and party, you don't look the part. Just pick wisely
I knew immediately she meant me and my baggy clothes looked unfashionable and embarrassing to people in brighton. I'm used to that sorta thing anyways. I'm constantly told I'm an embarrassment, a disappointment, I dress like a boy, I'm wasted, I look like a lesbian (ironically and tragically I am gay, though I'd be kicked out and never spoken to if I admitted that and I don't blame them- it's another problem I'm stuck with), I dress like an asexual, I'm a freak, I'm neurotic, disgusting, I don't act normal, abnormal and there's something wrong with me. I'm a bitch and I'm conniving-That's the main insults. And that's to my face, I sometimes leave the room and they talk about me. My mother isn't to be trusted, and yet she expects me to trust her. Yesterday I told her I was not using my phone so I wouldn't get addicted as exams are coming up for A levels, and I'd only use it for music and homework. Six hours later, my mother shouts at be for using my phone when I was just finding music to listen to as I wash up- and it was the tone, like bullets piercing my heart.
I don't tell my mother many things,
My mother goes through all my things, and she throws my paperwork away, she even through my poetry away once. Luckily I stopped writing diaries, after she read them. I once was advised to keep note of my feelings to help me cope, my other found it and told me it wasn't Normal and she through the emotion journal away.
it's my dad who goes to parents evening and if I say I got 20/20 only history essay she'll just say 'good', throughout year 11, I said how I wanted to be an English teacher, now I want to study history and my mother keeps bringing it up in a really viscous tone. Then she says, I expect you to get the best marks then, and if I don't then I'm seen as a failure. My mother hates know it alls so if I say too much about something I'm metaphorically shot down. If I say how I feel, then it's wrong and to blame.
Then there's the rejection, when my mother is a bit irritated she shouts, it's where I get my shouting tendencies from. When she gets mad, you can see her eyes darken, everything change. It terrifies me. It happens a lot. And most of the time I've done nothing, I'm just a rebound of a broken marriage to my dad. Most days she'll say 'when are you going to uni?' Once I went to school with a hole in my jeans, I don't notice these things because I've never been taffy to and I barely notice myself. My mother found out, screamed and said I can't wait for you to leave. It wasn't the last time she said that.
Then there's the consequences of lying- something forgivable. Yet she has no idea that I have to feign a smile everyday, hide my sexuality, my depression, even my school work because it stresses her out. Everything that makes me me my mother doesn't share. My mother didn't tell me what a period was, she's never been intimate with me since around 7/8. I haven't hugged her for years, we never touch. Nothing. And it feels weird when anyone does, because I'm so reserved. My mother even accused my of being autistic.
I became vegetarian last year, and that was a battle. It is for ethical reasons and it also helps me control what I eat. My mother doesn't see that I need control on my life because when I'm older I'll have no supper use to my sexuality, there's also my eating disorder- I need to eat healthily or I binge- even cheese is a trigger food. No one knows and so my mother thinks I go anorexic or I think I own the place. And whenever I get any quorn mince or vegetables if I don't say thank you then I reminded and disapproved of, and If I do then I'm told how lucky I am and grateful I should be.
My mother thinks she knows me, yet we don't talk- not even in a car journey, and there's just an emotional deterioration. I feel like a freak, a lonely fat freak.
Not only that but any time she calls me 'jogs' (nickname when I was a kid) or says we should go out together, I feel sick. Like I feel bitter and angry and I just say I'm busy with work. It's like there's something stopping me and I don't know what it is.
Thus that is why I need to test, to know what help I need. There's something wrong with me and I know all of this points to me being a bad daughter but I just would lol the questions for free please, so I ca change me for the better.

here is what is happening.
in short definition.

she tells me that everything's my fault, that nothings wrong with me, borderline is a joke.
that i shouldn't be upset or angry or just any emotion, she tells me that I'm a silly little baby and I need to grow up.
she denies that she does anything wrong.
she used to read all my Facebook,email,texts,phone logs every day.
she doesn't let me out of the house ever,
if I try to leave the room, or I step back away from her or I move away from her at all she grabs my face and pulls it towards her and whispers in my ear, or she grabs my arms or if I say no, she slaps my legs or arms,
she used to slap me on the face but when I was 14 I slapped back.
im too afraid of her to physically stop her now.
I just look at the wall or away from her and try to think of other things.
if it gets bad I try to get away from her because I'm so scared.
I just want her to stop.
only my friends and my therapist believe me.
my grandma doesn't listen she doesn't understand I'm serious about it.

This is probley a pointless email and I dobut that I will get a response,
but I was on your page about cutting earlier tonight. I dont know why but
I just wanted to know if you would listin to my story its kinda stupid
but I just really want to share it with someone, and since I dont know
you guys in real life and you dont like know my family or anything...that
mabye you would listin to it because you listend to all those other
peoples stories...and just having someone to listin to it without judging
me or anything like that would mean so much since no one else knows it
but I cant really tell anyone that I know because they will try to 'help'
me and get me in trouble. I just want to get it out of my brain. So uh
please just email me back if you want to listin to it or
whatever...Thanks by the way if you took time out of your day to read
this and all, even if you dont respond...

--

well first off i dont pitty myself and im not looking for attention, i just
wanna get it out of my mind, ya know??

when i was 10 i began to cut myself (among other things) and i would like
to say i had a real reason, but really i still dont know what compelled
me to do it and i had never heard of someone doing it to themselves
before either. i didnt have a reason then but as things progressed i
started to have reasons for it. i guess this is just kinda a typical case
huh? well for some reason that i still do not know kids at my school
started to make fun of me and it just felt like everyone was trying to
totoure me, kids, parents, teachers...everyone. i got in trouble one day
at school and a email was sent home. as soon as i walked in the door both
of my parents were screaming at me. they called me worthless and said
that i was an accident that never was suppose to happen then my mother
hit me. this fight lasted for about four oclock in the afternoon to
eleven or so. they told me to go to my room, so i did and they went into
their bedroom and closed the door. i ran
up the stairs and grabbed my knives and ran out the door. i lived in the
middle of nowhere at that time so i didnt get very far before my dad
chased me down. then the fight began all over again after i started
screaming back at them they decided to call the police on me because i
was 'out of control' i begged them not to but they did anyways. the
officer came in my house and handcuffed me and thats when the real hell
started. he asked them if they knew about the marks on my wrists and they
glared at me and said no officer we did not know about those marks. then
the officer dragged me out of my house and threw me in the back of his
car.he locked the doors and left me there for an hour or so, during that
time i managed to work my knives out of my pocket and kick them under the
seat. i was so afraid. finally after what seemed like hours he came back
and told my parents that they needed to take me to reasearch phyciatric
for a phyc eval. my parents drove me
and were silent the whole way, but everytime that they looked back in the
mirror at me they just stared at me with disgust. liying has saved me and
my secrets so many times in the past few years, and so thats exactley
what i did. i told the woman that i did it because my best friend and i
had a fight. lie. and that this was the only time i had ever done it.
lie. and that i regreted it and i would never do it again and that it was
the most unpleasent thing i had ever felt. soooooooooooo a lie. for some
maraculious reason she belived a ten year old with diyed black hair and
cuts covering her wrists, and let me go home instead of admitting me. the
copp assured me that no one at my school would find out becasue there
wasent a possible way...but they did. things got even worse, but that was
when i learned how to put on an act and be 'good' so as to not get my
parents attention. but in all reality my cutting just got worse. so.
much. worse. i tried to stop
so many times i cant count but its not as easy as "throw away your blades
and just dont cut yourself" by the time my fifth grade year let out, my
family belived my act enough to apparently know i was done with it. ha,
that was also the summer when i relized just how stupid they were, well
not exactly stupid but just blinded by how much they didnt want to
belive. they took me to a theripist, aginst my will of course. and i
acted arrogent and cold the entire time, i wouldnt speak and when i did
only obsenities and rudeness came out of my mouth and i walked out half
way through the session, and the theripist informed my parents that she
would never take on a girl like me as a patient and that i was a
trainwreck. my parents threatend me with therepy and phyciatric
hospitiles whenever they were mad or i made a mistake until one day when
i was home alone i ripped out the pages in the phone book with anything
having to do with mental care and shredded the
bussness cards with the phone numbers on them. when i turned eleven and
started the sixth grade i started to stay up for days at a time and
instead of just cutting my wrists i moved all the way up my arm. at my
school we start dressing out in gym in the sixth grade, things like that
start to become harder to hide but i mannaged and it helped that the only
time that people paid attention to me was to laugh at me and make
comments that forced me to hide in the bathroom and cry. other than that
i was invisable. half way through first semester i met a girl named
samantha, i thought i could trust her and i think that might have been
the most prominate mistake i have made so far in my entire life. it
changed me forever. i was vernable,lonley,and i needed a friend. i have
never really been sure of my sexuality and that seems stupid considering
that i was eleven when that first crossed my mind but it was true. this
girl, samantha, asked me to be her girlfriend
and i trusted her. eventually she pryed enough into my life that she found
out about my little problem and i began to confide in her. i trusted her
so deeply that i showed her my book of poems well actually she asked me
and after much hessitation i finally gave it to her one morning at
school. the night before i had a quite horrific episode, a panic attack
really, it came on for no reason and i cut my arms almost one hundred
times very deeply.they bleed for a long time so the next morning just to
be save i slipped a long strip of folded up toilet paper in my shirt
running the length of my arm incase they broke open or leaked (i didnt
have the energy or motivation to scrub another shirt) but much to my
discomfort it bleed through the toilet paper and the arm of my shirt (i
always wear a jacket though so it was easy to hide for that day) i always
came to school with a blade no matter what, just in case. that day i had
one tucked inside my bra and one in
my back pocket. and it had never really been a problem before, not until i
was called to the office right in the middle of second period. there she
sat, samantha, the one i had trusted and confided im, holding my book of
poems. the counciler sat me down and told me to explain them, i was at a
loss of words. apparentley sami had also taken the liberty to tell her
about my secret. the conciler forced my jacket off of me and my sleves up
my arms to my elbows. she told me that she was going to call my mother
and that she was required to call the suicide hotline on me, but i wasent
suicidal!! i cut myself to prevent myself from messing up like that!! the
conciler told me over and over that i was suicidal and she wouldnt listin
to me when i told her that i wasent i mean how could the woman even
know?? she wasent me! i totally freaked out after that. they told me to
wait in the nurse while they made the calls. i told her i had to use the
restroom. i have
always been kind of parinoid about thinking that there are metal detectors
everywhere, so i flushed my blades. you see though, ever since the night
i had been arrested in the fifth grade i have been terrified of police
officers. and the principle informed me that it also was procedure to
call upon the police and an ambulance, and they were waiting out frount.
my mother wasent even there yet and they tried to take me away. thats
when i lost it, i started screaming and cursing at the officers as they
came towards me. there were like 7 of them and i was an eleven year old
who weighed 108 lbs. they treated me like a phycopath. now that i look
back i probley seeamed like one at the time with my screaming and
hypervenolating and all. one male copp searched me and that was when i
became very thankful for my parinoia. after the police had left the room
i calmed down, i was in shock and numb. i wasent crying and i wasent a
harm to anyone but the paramedics (hmmm
dont you think the school might have over reacted just a bit...) strapped
me to the gurney with these leather strap things on my ankles and wrists.
they wouldnt let me walk, it was humiliating. they took me to the
hospitle as if i was diying but in all realitly there was nothing at all
wrong with my health. when i got there they made me take a drug test. and
finally my parents showed up. after hours and yet another phyc eval i was
told to sign a contract saying that i wasent going to cut and that i was
going to take the perscribed medications like a good girl and as long as
i did that then i would NOT be hospitalized. the next day i want back to
school and my mother had a metting with administration. everyone knew
about it. and people were worse than ever to me. i told the nurse that i
was sick and i went home with my mom. i cried non stop for atleast two
hours and then we got a phone call. it was the police department in our
town saying that they were
going to pick me up and take me to reasearch phyc. my mom was all for it
but my dad took me in the truck and left my mother screaming after us. we
went to my god parents house where my mom called us and informed us that
the police were going to arrest both of us (my father and i). so instead
of taking me to reasearch phyc he took me to a place called two rivers,
supposibly a better hospitle...but i didnt think so. i clung to a stuffed
animal that i had since i was a baby while i was being admitted. at
admission they asked if there was anything that would make my stay more
helpful to me. i asked if i could keep my animal and they snached it away
from me and told me nothing like it was allowed. while i was there i was
treated horribly and on my seventh day they told me that i was going home
then next day. they lied to me, the next afternoon i was told that i was
being moved to a residential treatment facility. when i asked to call my
parents the lady at
the frount desk told me no and that my parents were the worst she had ever
seen and that i was a horrible child and that she was happy that i was
being seperated. later that night someone came for me and took me to my
new 'home' the woman told me that i was only going to be there a month
tops. after eight months, one more runaway, 2 girlfriends, 2 boyfriends
and three court dates i was back home. my parents thought i was cured, i
was diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression and i was medicated. i
started the seventh grade back in my old home town i cut that year alot
but not all the time and not nearly as much. over the summer my only
friend told me that she had hated me for months since i hadent told her
about something that happend between my boyfriend and i. that night i
took 150 benidrils and prepared to die. according to what my parents told
me i fell out of the bed in the night and they came to me to see what was
up i didnt respond and my
daddy rushed me to the hospitle. they told him that i was having a phycotic
episode and nothing was wrong with me health wise. after three intense
seizures they belived that it wasent a phycotic episode and rushed me to
childrens mercey where i was treated for a antihystimine overdose. i was
in the hospitle for three dayys and i dont remember any of it. after that
they took me by ambulance to reasearch phyc and i was there for four days
in which i dont remember two of them. all of these events should make me
never want to do anything 'crazy' to myself ever again...i have just
started the eighth grade and i still cut frequentley, and truley im
afraid that i will never be able to give it up. i dont know who i am and
im still unsure of my sexuality. my scars will remain forever and i plan
to drop out and take my GED at the end of tenth grade when i turn
sixteen, hopefully things will get better. but honestley just telling my
story to someone makes my chest
feel a little looser. this is pretty long so i dobut youve read it all but
whatever.

thats my story.

My mother always interrupts me and when it's finally my turn to speak she cuts me down. I always feel like she is invalidating my feelings, and telling me how hard she works so that I feel guilty.

A lot of things have built up over the course of several years that have lead me to considering my mom might be abusive.

Tonight, I vented my friends about what happened earlier when my mom busted into my room saying she wasn't coming back and was gonna kill herself because her phone was working unless I fixed it o gave her my phone since I don't use it often and don't deserve it. My friend, who has been abused, told me that it was abuse.

But it's not always like this, she's usually decent and just stressful for me to handle because she's very loud and dramatic. She doesn't do anything to belittle me or harm or restrict me, but every time she's drunk or upset, I just kind of absorb it and play therapist since I was at least 10? When it's "bad" she usually threatens to move again (moved 8 times so far) or to kill herself.

I'm also worried that i could be worsening it since I came out to her as transgender, and was told if I told her this before she was alone/grandparents passing, she would have kicked me out.

And while I'm describing the negative aspects of our relationship, it's not usually like this, not like a daily or even weekly occurrence so I don't know if it's severe enough to be called abuse

Thank you for your time, it means a lot to me,

My name is Imani and I'm 18 years old. Lately, I've been having problems with my mom becasue she says she doesn't like my tone of voice. She has said things such as that I'm going to die alone, I have a chronic illness because God gave it to me as a result of not respecting her, and that I wouldn't have a husband and I was going to die alone. She has said multiple times that she was going to cut me off because we argue all of the time because I can't forgive her for things she's done that caused even my father to divorce her. She calls me a bitch when we argue and says that I need her because my friends will not be there for me like she and my bis sister will. My mother was also abused physically and emotionally by my grandmother, and my grandmother always sides with her whenever we are together. I rely on her because of my illness, so I can't really escape at the moment. I thought about working but it's just too hard on my body...I'm not sure what to do in this situation that I feel trapped in. I was wondering if my mother was truly emotionally abusive?

My dad has always been a bully to me and always hurts me so much emotionally, I think he is verbally and emotionally abusing me.

He's always been really mean to me and my 21 year old sister since we were little. I am 14. We've been through a lot considering that my sister is bipolar and that a lot of attention has been brought to her since she's been diagnosed with the mental disease, about a year ago. I am actually scared of my dad but not in like a "disciplinary scare" kind of way. What i mean is, i'm not scared of like him being dissapointed in me, i'm scared of him and his rages and what he says and does. He's never thankful for what I do and never supports my decisions or visions. He's attacked me emotionally many times and I've cried myself to sleep so many times because of him. He always reminds me how lucky i am to be provided my basic needs and how he says that he should've given us less and makes me feel bad when i open up to him or my mom. I personally think he was abused by his father and that's why he's like this with us. He's always saying we are such disappointments and that we're the reason they're sad?? He's said my sister was a whore many times and calls me a shit child when i'm like such a normal teenager with good grades in school. He's made me lose a lot of self esteem and I consider it abuse at this point. I actually thought this stuff was normal with parents and that oh my parents are strict until i realized it's really not okay the way he speaks and acts with his children. My mom is always on his side so whenever we fight i'm always kind of bullied and they always make sure they have the last word and make me feel dumb and like "how did you even bother asking me this???" when i'm asking for my bf to sleep on the couch. They are really religious people so they dont really let me do a lot of stuff, which i do in their backs. I guess it's no coincidence that ME and MY SISTER are both disappointments and such shit children???? Anyways, I needed someone to talk to about this because I feel people don't really take emotional abuse as serious as violence abuse or sexual abuse when it is exactly the same in different circumstances and still has an impact on you for the rest of your life. Ive actually noticed me being aggressive and controlling in my relationship with my boyfriend and I hate because I know it's from my dad. Ive also noticed that i hurt my partner a lot mentally and that it's probably bc of my dad also, I do it subconsciously imitating him.

Recently I' ve been feeling more and more uncomfortable around my mother. Her and I have never really had a complicated relationship, actually when I was a child, we were extremely close. But ever since I\rquote ve hit teenage hood (I am currently 17 years old) she has started to become more and more aggressive towards me. This year in particular has been pretty rough so far, (maybe because next year I\rquote ll leave home to go to college) which is why I\rquote ve decided to do some research about wether she was being emotionally abusive or not.\par I took the short test on your website (with the 10 questions) and was able to relate to at least 8 of them. I used to think that abuse was only physical up until this point, which is the reason why I\rquote ve never asked myself if my mother was being abusive. Basically there isn\rquote t a week that goes by in the house without her either yelling at me or tearing me down. I never respond to her because I'm too scared, I usually just wait for her to finish talking and then I walk off. She gets angry at me for no reason most of the time, just because at the moment she is upset because of something else, and when there is a reason (like for example if I forgot to do something that she asked me to do) she doesn't just lecture me she actually explodes. It is to the point where I am scared around her now and I have no idea what to do. Whenever I do something wrong she tells me that I'm a bad person, that I am not even aware of my surroundings, that I don\rquote t care about anyone but me... A few months ago she asked me if I wanted to go see wood with her and I politely declined saying that I had work to do (which was true and also I mean wood is not that fun to see !) she then proceeded to yell at me in public saying that I had no interest whatsoever, no purpose and that I wouldn\rquote t be able to do anything or achieve my goals if all I ever do is work. Those are just a few examples of the many disproportionate reactions that she has had, and clearly not the worst ones. Then usually she feels a little bit bad and buys me something or apologizes but does the same things after. Those gestures fooled me more than once into thinking that she had actually realized that she was too mean to me, but now I understand that they don\rquote t really mean anything. I've tried telling her how I feel but she just doesn't listen (she rarely does) and denies everything I say and then get mad again.

It's gotten to a point where I constantly feel bad about myself, I don't want to come home after school and I am always scared to go say hi to her because I don't know how she'll react, but also I know that if I don\rquote t do it she\rquote ll get even more mad. I feel terrible because I know she loves me but at the same time her love seems so conditional. She is very unforgiving with anything I do wrong and will use it as ways to show me that I am a bad person when she gets mad. I don't really know what to do honestly I'm a good kid, I'm very good in school I don't do stupid things but I get treated like an awful individual. I would like to have your point of vue on this, I don't know if I'm being overly dramatic. Thank you so much for reading this awfully long email (sorry about that) and hopefully you'll have more answers than I do at the moment !

Best regards, Tania

Hi, my name is Emily and I am 13. A couple months ago I found your website on emotionally abusive mothers: http://eqi.org/eam1.htm

Thank you so much for creating it, it has been significantly helpful to me. I've also found very it interesting to read through other peoples' situations they have or have previously had at home, many in which are very informative and provide great examples of what it's like dealing with an emotionally abusive mother. I can picture this being a great source for others, specifically certain teens, whom may be struggling with similar things themselves.

I've never had a very good relationship with my mom and over the past two years, some generalized struggles I've had with her ever since this time include her rejection of her children and her children's friends, lacking to pay attention to the emotional needs and concerns of her children (not including refusal or lacking of saying things such as "I love you", but more mental-health wise), constant fighting in the household, refusing to take personal blame for the majority of the conditions that she herself either started or took part in and being extremley controlling. She also expresses deep distrust towards me. I fear that she lies to me as well (although she denies it). She doesn't entirely respect my need for privacy either.

These things are further explained in an undeceived (and poorly-written, I may add) letter I have for her. I wrote it about 4 months back. If you have any interest in reading through it, please e-mail me back. I apologize; my response may be late, since I don’t typically have time to check my e-mail, but I’ll do my best, supposing I don’t get caught.

I’m wondering if my mom would be considered “emotionally abusive”. Or is she just a bad parent? Things have improved somewhat since I've been in therapy (working to improve conditions between my mother and I) and on medication, but would she qualify? (This question would probably be easier to answer after reading the letter, since it's more informative.)

Thanks, Emily

this is the email i replied with after you responded to me. it has this thing i wrote a while back that explained some of the stuff that’s happened with my mom at the time.

hi

Sending the letter is kinda tough for me since the fact I'm in this situation is kind of...well...really embarrssing to me, especially some of the details....it's also really long...I hope I don't sound too dramatic or needy since I'm sure there are people out there in worse situations than I am...good news is things have improved slightly since I've been in therapy so there's no need to worry

Here it is:

I can’t tell whether or not I’m actually sorry for what you put me through. I know I’m an asshole, I complain and I act like everything negative I’m feeling is all your fault, but it is. You ruined me for trying to be myself. Apparently it’s the most awful thing in the world to be a “pretty girl” yet still dress occasionally non-feminine clothes or wear black. You wouldn’t even sit with me and talk about. You screamed at me, grabbed things from my closet and rid my bedroom of any clothing you didn’t approve of. Do you even actually care if I’m happy with myself? It seems like all you care about is you’ll seem like a bad mom for letting me dress and wear my hair how I want. Any time I ever ask to get a new shirt or something you say “I don’t like that” or “I don’t agreee with this” or “i think it’s ugly” ITS ALWAYS JUT “I”!! You never consider me. You act like I’m supposed to reflect you as a person somehow! I feel too pressured to dress in typical clothes, talk about boys and make up, etc. You told me I would be a failure in life and that no one would ever want to let their kids hang around me, yet I simply asked for a slightly rebellious shirt or listened to rock music. I tried for over a year to be someone I’m not— and it didn’t end well. I’m so confused. I am a mess. Sometimes, I would cut. When you found out you laughed a little at me and said I was stupid. I know you were worried, though. You said there was something wrong with me and I needed a therapist and I needed “fixing” so I wouldn’t want to do these things. You say I hang out with the wrong people and they made me want to hurt myself, or think it’s “cool”. You always tell me how you’re trying to change me for the better but if anything I’m jut messed up.

I felt like I had no fight. Instead of being “me”, I “substituted” much of what i liked in order to be someone else. I got most of my happiness from then on through how much weight I lost, how many people flirted with or complimented me, or how many commented on my sex appeal. I exercised all the time and stopped eating. I cried each night because I hated what I looked like, because I wasn’t thin enough, or because I had any slight acne. Sometimes I didn’t even recognize the person I saw in the mirror. occasionally, I cut because of it. I tried to tell you about the fact I felt this way once, and you got angry and yelled at me for blaming you for everything. You said I was being stupid and all my “problems” caused this “family” so much distress. You complained that I was annoying and said you “weren’t going to deal with my ‘mental disorder’.”

You made me feel like a disgusting person because I’m gay. You talked about how gay men started the spread of “HIV” (bullshit) and that it’s unnatural and wrong to like someone of the same sex. I once told you one of my friends was bisexual and she wanted to sleep over at my house— as friends. You wouldn’t leave us in the same room for more than 5 minutes alone. I hadn’t seen her in months. You even freaked out when we hugged before she left. Afterwards you proceeded to tell me I was no longer allowed to hang put with her because you disliked her short hair, taste of music, and her sexual orientation. You said bisexuality was crap and she was an awful person to be around. You didn’t even know her. You do this with all my other friends, too, if they aren’t “ideal”. I have cried myself to sleep so many times because of the sexual orientations of my friends and myself.

I feel like I can’t be friends with anyone but a very small group of people— 3, to be exact. Any time I ever bring home another friend you’re so quick to judge them. I had a guy friend over who was very quiet and shy and you automatically assumed he had low self-esteem and it isn’t good for me to be around someone who isn’t confident as if it will reflect me or something.

Many times I have tried to tell you about how I’m upset. You fucked me up. You have said you would try and get me help, but despite my cries and pleas eventually resort to thinking it’s just some “teenage thing” and I’m just fine. But you don’t let me explain myself and you don’t understand. You tell me you love me, after all of this, and that you want only the best for me and I can talk to you about anything, but I can’t tell you anything. I can’t trust you will keep what I tell you personal or that you won’t yell at me about it or fight. I have tried to tell you this so many times but you won’t listen!!! Even now you still tell me how awful I am and refuse to take the blame for anything. You act like I’m completely normal and that everyone has their “problems” and that my stress and depression has nothing to do with anything you have caused. Just PLEASE listen to me!

My little sister is turning out the same way as me and I’m afraid things will get worse. She isn’t eating now. She is showing some of the same “symptoms” I have been. She cries like I do because she feels alone…like no one understands. I don’t know how to help her. I can’t even help myself. I lash out at her sometimes, without meaning to as well because I can’t handle her problems on top of mine. I feel awful about it. If she gets hurt I’m going to end up blaming myself. Thankfully she is smarter than me in some ways, and has been able to convince you of things I couldn’t. I hope this helps both me and her. At night sometimes I talk to her and I have learned more than I thought I knew. You are threatening now not to let her dress in her graphic tees and get her bangs cut. I know it’s stupid, but you are taking away a piece of her just like you took of me.

You blame me for causing you all kinds of stress and anxiety. I feel terrible about it because I know it’s my fault, but I can’t control myself sometimes. I shout at you about every little thing. I freak out if I feel threatened or at risk or losing something just slightly by anyone. I burst into tears for seemingly no reason. I don’t talk to you much, and when I do, I only argue because that it what all our conversations turn into. You claim my reactions to things are emotionally abusive to you and my family all the time. You always tell me how many problems I cause and how I should give you a break because you work so hard. I know make your life so much harder. It would be easier if I was never born. One time you agreed with me when I said this (at least it was only once) but you apologized right after while claiming it wasn’t meant to be taken seriously and you were just trying to brighten the mood. During a fight? I don’t think so. You tell me how great my life is and that there are so many other kids who have it much worse than me. I understand that you get mad sometimes and say things you don’t mean…

Bet you didn’t know I had a girlfriend, huh? Well, I did. The girl you hated for being bi dated me for quite some time. The real reason I liked her so much is because she’s the only one who understands what you put me through. She didn’t have an easy past. She encouraged me to be strong and reassured me of my conceptions that everything that was happening wasn’t my fault. She helped me learn to accept myself and be more accepting of other people, although much of me still has ways to go with being comfortable in my own skin. When you saw those sexual texts you automatically assumed it was all her fault. She has “influenced” me to think I liked girls or something, according to you, and I was straight, and liked boys. You claimed she was a “predator”, and was “using” me for sex. You then asked if she ever touched me in a way that made me feel uncomfortable, or tried to kiss me, or something like that. That was my breaking point, since she had never done ANYTHING like that, and never would have. Anything we did (which wasn’t much) I was just as ok with as her. I cried. You yelled at me. You didn’t listen when I tried to explain what actually happened. You said if I was gay none of my friends would want to hang out with me. They would all think I was weird. So as far as you should be concerned I still like boys. STOP asking and leave me alone.

It took all my energy not to hurt myself. I told her what happened. Both of us were extremely upset since we would probably never get to see each other again. I asked you not to bring her up as a topic anymore, yet you still do. I miss her more than I’ve ever missed a person. She’s one of the few reasons I have’t killed myself yet. Her and my best friends, who accept me just as I am, are all I have, although I tend to isolate myself from them and get angry at them and assume they hate me over little things or for no reason at all. I wish you would just understand this and stop acting like I don’t know what I’m talking about.

When I call my friends, we hear yelling in the background almost all the time. It has become a typical thing and my friends are just plain used to hearing it. When I bring it up, you don’t take it seriously. You claim our family is normal and healthy but I fear the safety of my sister and I, as well as your own. I used to frequently apologize to them for the fighting, but I no longer need to because it is such a usual thing.

Mom, you’re not all bad. You encourage me to be my best and these are the times I feel most awful. Truthfully, I am writing this in order to see things as they are, rather than all good or all bad, because I jump between the two frequently. I am a horrible daughter, if what you say about me is true. You care about my well-being, but you are forceful about it, rather than sensitive and caring. You want the best for me, don’t think I don’t see that. But you must understand I am not the person you want me to bad, rather, the person I just happen to be. I can’t change myself and I can’t change you. You think I am ignorant on topics like these, but I am quite informed on a lot of the things you think I know nothing about. I can’t tell you this, though, mom. You wouldn’t understand.

I hate being alive and I feel so empty and confused all the time. You do have your good qualities, but I have a hard time focusing on both at the same time. I wish you would just take me seriously. You say you can do whatever you want because “I’m your daughter” and “you’re the adult”. Or, “I’m the minor” and “You have authority” and I need to respect anyone who has authority over me.

I could go on and on. i’m just done . I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s like I’m going crazy sometimes. I am my own person and I should not feel obligated to tell you things. You would sometimes punish me when I wouldn’t tell you something personal, even if it wasn’t even one of my own concerns, rather a friend’s. It’s so embarrassing and then you claim it’s because you’re upset that I never tell you anything. Why should I tell you anything after this? Why am I still living in this household with you?

that's it really. i hope this helped explain some things!

-E

Hello, my name is L___, I'm fourteen, and I think my mother may be abusive.
I hate labelling our relationship as such, but it certainly feels like it
is sometimes. My mother frequently takes my phone to search through texts
and emails with no warning, and micromanages every aspect of my life. She
has cut me off from multiple friends before, forbidding me from even
speaking to them. She expects way too much of me, and gets angry when I
don't meet her egregious expectations. For example, if I get below an A on
a test, she'll take my phone for a week. She always tells me I need to do
better, and will belittle me for any mistake I make, even if it's not my
fault. She also refuses to accept when people try to tell her she's wrong.
I used to see a wonderful therapist, and she tried to tell my mother to
loosen up because it was taking a big toll on my mental health and
heightening my anxiety. I don't see a therapist anymore. She's always
comparing me to other people, and getting frustrated when I don't follow
the norm, which is unfortunately most of the time. She rarely gets
physical, but sometimes in the heat of her anger she will slap me. She has
tried to tell me that I'm faking my depression and anxiety, despite having
both mental illnesses herself. But these events don't happen constantly.
She is extremely caring and wants the best for me. I know she would do
anything to see me succeed. When I disappoint her, she often times breaks
out into tears.
I can't get professional help, and this test seems like the closest I can
get with my current situation. I would greatly appreciate getting the full
test, if only for peace of mind.

I'm sixteen years old and I live with my mother. My father works away from home, they aren't divorced. I get along with my father on an average level. My mother and I don't get along well at all.

I suffer from multiple mental health disorders: Bipolar I, ADHD, Anxiety, Social Anxiety. I self-harm, I'm suicidal.

That's one of the areas my mother loves to humiliate me with. Because of my mental disorders I often get very frustrated with something. I always hide it because she will usually tell me I'm being a baby or I must take my "crazy pills." Usually in front of family, otherwise she will simply yell at me to grow up or she'll hit me over the head with something.

Family friends of ours have many times told her to calm down, it's not a big deal. I often get told I'm not good enough, and I get compared to my sisters a lot. Whenever I try confronting her I am told I'm being sensitive or I simply get ignored.

She always takes out her anger on me and tells me things like, "I wish you would shut up!" or "Why can't you just leave?" Leaving meaning move out.

If someone loses something I'm always to blame. If I defend myself and tell her I don't know where it is, she lashes out and hits me. I've been hit in the face more than once.

I think her mother was abusive as well but I'm not entirely sure. When my oldest sister visits both her and my mother team up against me and make comments. I'm usually told I'm retarded (I have ADHD), a failure, fat etc. I have an eating disorder because I've started believing I'm fat.. I currently weigh 52kg.

I'm not allowed to get therapy for my mental disorders. I'm always told I'm a screw up and that I'm a burden. In all honesty I'm scared of my mother. I have major anger issues because of her. I usually take out my anger on trees until my hands bleed. I'm a girl and I really need some kind of closure.

Well, where do I start? Somewhere in the following babbles there might be something useful, but it's probably same old, same old. I'm 17, and a Senior in high school. I've only recently found out, this summer in fact, that my mother is an alcoholic. Boy, does that make things seem a little more rational. More recent than this revelation, however, is that she might be emotionally abusive. Of this, I'm not sure. It could just be me being a crap daughter, or maybe just a teen, so I'm asking for some non-biased help. Forgive me if this next bit is a stream of consciousness.

My mother has threatened to call the police on me for walking out on an argument and sitting at the bottom of our front yard, she cusses at me and calls me derogatory names such as 'filth' and tells me to go to hell, she blames me for anything that goes missing. I once ate a single serving cup from the freezer (knowing it was hers, but it had been there for months) and she lashed me with her tongue all day, glared at me and flipped me off frequently as well, and then gave me the cold shoulder the next day. When I confront her about the name calling (such as her favorite 'idiot') she says she's never said that, and claims I'm making things up. She has thrown things at me, but only pieces of balled up paper, pens, or the occasional soft plastic sieve. I always handle our arguments calmly and quietly, but once I could not contain my anger and frustration so I moved to storm up stairs...she blocked my escape with arms folded and a shouldering glare. I explained to her I needed to leave to cool off otherwise I would do something we'd regret, and she continued to block me until I had to leave through the front door.

After an argument over something trivial, I was reduced to crying into the table. She told me that they were crocodile tears and I raised my head crying defiantly, with puffy eyes I'm sure, 'Do these look fake to you?!' before storming to my room. The list goes on and on. Almost everything on your site I can link to my life.

I have thought about self harm, and made lame, half-assed attempts, but I find the experience rather unhelpful and self defeating. I have trouble picturing the future even a month from now and have no back up plans for college or other after high school endeavors. The things I hate the most are as follows: that I am constantly searching for praise and attention (I feel if it's not the best, it's not good enough. And I can assure you, I'm never the best); that empty feeling at night, as if I there is no soul or substance in my being, that cold ache that doesn't go away even when the crying (if it comes) has stopped; and the need to spill my guts about all this to someone, and then feeling guilty and weak afterwards to the point of telling people that it's not that bad I'm that I'm probably just an emo teen.

My father agrees with me about my mother's detrimental behavior, but lacks the backbone to do anything about her. When I lie in bed at night, and hear her footsteps my heart races with fear. When I hear her call my name, it's the same thing. I feel like it's necessary to lie and deceive her in order to escape her skeptic eye. Even as I write this at 11:57 (if I have not completed all my chores and some to her version of perfection, it is grounds for not allowing me to stay up late even during holiday months) on a Saturday she is tapping her pen ferociously and whispering 'Fucking cunt..' under her breath.

Everyday the frustration builds. Is it my fault? I must surely be as lazy, fat, nasty, mean, and selfish as she says. Maybe I don't do enough for her? What was the last nice thing I did? I don't know what to do. Some days the frustration is so bad it takes all my effort not to snap in the middle of a class and run screaming from the room. Sometimes I wonder what a psychologist would think of me. Would I be labled mad? A moody teen? Suicidal even? Or maybe just faking it to get out of a boring class? I have always been labeled an outcast in school since day one, finding it hard to make friends and not be ostracized by my classmates.

As Christmas nears I remember how she angrily told me that Santa and the Easter Bunny didn't exist when I was only in Elementary school. She also keeps reminding me of how she hates Christmas. It makes me feel bad about asking for anything.

All in all, though I could ramble for aching ages, I have grown to the age of 17 and I feel old beyond my years. What is a future if it's all like this? A daily, unamusing cycle. Sometimes I wish I had enough of a disregard of life to commit suicide, or run away, anything to escape. But even if I plot all the different ways, they always end in sorrowful, trapped, inaction. So I return to my books, my games, my beloved tv, and pretend the real world doesn't exist for awhile. As long as my mom is in her more kindly mood, things are bright and sunny for awhile. But recently everything seems worse. I can't help but feeling like I don't deserve to feel sad, or downtrodden, because there is always someone far worse off than me.

I think I know where I'll be in a year or so, an asylum for the insane, or perhaps more reasonably, the same frustrating place. I don't know where to tear my hair out, sing, cry, or bleed slowly onto a cold tile floor.

Hello. I know you probably get this a lot. So I'm not expecting anything. Okay. So. I'm gonna cut straight to the point. Neither you nor I have the time to read/ type this. So basically. I'm 13 years old. I started cutting on October 7, 2006. I was still eleven at the time. I've been through a lot. My parents were divorced when I was in fourth grade. My older sister tried to commit suicide when I was in fifth. My mom got remarried to some guy she met in high school, my current step-dad, while my sister was still recovering in the hospital. My friend cuts. Not as often as me, though. My other friend just informed us that she is suicidal. She's been taking "pain pills" when she doesn't have headaches or anything. It scares me because that's how my sister attempted suicide. She took too many pills.

When I first started cutting, it would be about once a week. On my hand. With nail clippers. Now. It's at least once a day. And I've started doing it on my wrists. And I use a razor blade. It went from hands, to back of my knees, to shoulder, to upper leg, to the inside of my lower leg, to my wrists. Its gotten more serious lately. I saw a knife sitting out in the kitchen once and I picked it up. And it took all of my will power to put it back down. And no. It wasn't because I thought that I might accidently go too deep or do anything stupid like that. I put it down because I was afraid someone would notice that a knife was missing. And they would know that it's me or my other sister. Not the one that attempted. She moved in with my dad before she did what she did. So yeah. It's me and my slightly less older sister. She's only two years older than me. While the other is six years. Anyways. So as I said, it's getting more serious. I've been carving words into myself and and going deeper. Gym stinks because we're playing volley ball. And it hurts terribly. I mostly make excuses and sit out the whole time.

Nobody understands me. My mom told all of my councelors (AKA: the school one and the professional one.) her side of the story. And I never got to tell my side. So they know me as a bad little girl who never does anything right. The professional one sees through her lies, though. The school one, however, doesn't. I hate the school one. She promises me one thing and then goes and does the exact opposite.

I'm gonna stop myself there because I can't go into full detail or I'll be up forever. It's already 11:35 PM and I have to wake up at six tomorrow for school. I'm so tired. I'm always tired. No matter what. Well. I'm off to my room. Goodbye, I guess. Maybe I'll hear from you. Maybe not. It's kind of like gambling, you know? Hah. Well. Bye. Hope to hear from you. =\

hi my name is karyssa.

im a 15 year old girl and i think my mom is mentally abusive but i dont know if im in denial or just paranoid im overreacting sometimes and i guess i was kind of looking for some help..the thing is, my story is very complicated and doesnt even make sense. i hate living with my mom and little brother. but i feel guilty because i know i am lucky to get nice clothes and live in a nice house and get things that a lot of kids dont get. i am not happy here..my mom has been telling me for years that shes hated me ever since i was 5 and she calls me names a lot and grounds me from everything a bunchhh. i know usually when kids say " i didnt even do anything!" its usually not true, but sometimes i honestly dont know why i would lose my phone and everything..she just says im grounded before evenletting me know that she doesnt like it and warning me that i will get in trouble for it...otherwise i obviously would try not to do something to upset her.

i was just writing to see what this website is all about? i was reading the entire web page and started crying partly because the stories are sad and partly because they sound a lot like my mom just i feel like my mom is more subtle, which sucks because she doesnt get caught by other adults that are looking for it because she puts on an act and tells them believable stories that are somewhat true but mostly twisted and edited to make me look like a total bratty kid :/ my plan was to just wait until i graduate high school and go to college, which i will end up having to pay most of because shes threatening to not pay for any and shes supposed to pay one third, im supposed to pay one third, and my dad is but he is broke and not very responsible and i can assure you hes not going to see thati go to college because he doesnt think i need to...im too interested in things to not go to college haha. im good at math and im interested in science and there are more scholarships for girls going into math and science because of the whole only guys can do math and science pattern thats rooted itself in society from the early 1900s lol.
i just am not sure i can wait that long. and even if i can, i realized about a year ago suddenly that its not like a safe zone once i get out..im NEVER. going to get my childhood back. i honestly can NOT see the relationship between my mom and myself ever healing. and it kills me knowing that. it kills me seeing my friends have amazing moms and the witnessing how my friends and their moms get along, its completely alien to me i swear. i just sit there and wonder if their mom is really super nice or if thats how moms are supposed to be. my mom makes me feel terrible and humiliates me talking about all these issuesi have, and hearing her talk pitifully about me right in front of me makes me feel like a mentally handicapped person. i feel like a freak and hate it because whomever shes talking to is now going to always see me how shes built up the image of me in their minds..shes taken me to so many shrinks and then complains about it, and then when some try to tell her that SHE is the problem, she quits going to them and just gets pissed, then has the nerve to tell ME to do something they would tell me to do but it was supposed to only help things if she did what SHE was supposed to. im pretty sure have the problems i have are because of her, but i cant be sure of course. ive been terribly depressed, and now that im on pills i felt myself slip back into a depression even on the pills and im terrified of what id be like if i WASNT taking medication for it. the first time i was cutting myself she saw it and got mad at me and told her friends because like i said, shelikes to talk about my issues and flaws..i have never heard a single word of praise towards me come out of her mouth for as long as i can remember--literally. she told me i was just doing it for attention but if i was..wouldnt i have made it obvious and told people or whatever? i didnt want her to find out..so now that im doing it for the third or fourth periods of time, im very careful. thats one good thing about her not giving a damn is that she doesnt notice a single thing different about me. i promise i dont, but i could turn into a total stoner and be sleeping around and she would not notice a difference in me. the only reason i dont get into drugs is because i knew she didnt, and i thought if she could get through high school staying above the influence then i could too, yet when i told her that was why i was responsible, she just criticized me about something else. didnt she see that she was who i looked up to? now i dont know who to look up tobecause i dont want to be like her. i believe my dad left her broken hearted, shes a bitter broken person, she just wanted a family and settled for the girst decent guy to come along but my dad always wants what he cant have, be it the family life or single life, he always wants the other. she says im going to turn out just like him and that i remind her of him so much and she says it like im possessed by the devil and my dad and i share a lot of traits that i take pride in..i dont understand..

"keep cutting, only crazy people do that, i guess you really are psycho! ill even help you!! we can all carve on your arm and it will be like family art!!!"

my brother, mad at me for something would tell me to go cut myself. he didnt know but after he left, i did.
i try to ignore what she says to me but every word is like a knife in the gut..i scare myself these days because shell be screaming at me from somewhere else and ill look in the mirrorand i look like a statue..on the inside i feel like a piece of fruit being chopped up and thrown in the blender but on the outside its total numbness..i dont cry, i dont let her know she makes me cry. i dont tell her anything. not even how late i stay up to finish my homework so i can try (key word, try) to please her with all As and maybe a B or two..the one time i told her i was up late working she flipped out and took me to the doctor and i had to get blood drawn and got sleeping pills. do you know what its like to not be able to tell your family ANYTHING no matter how small because youre afraid of what theyll say behind your back and what theyll plan or think?? now that i think about it, its just like high school. this doesnt happen to me because i have good friends and dont do anything scandelous but ill tell my grandma something, shell go and tell my mom and before i know it, my moms yelling at me with twisted information because its likegossip..then theres the occasional "our family has decided" like its a freakin court case or something, "youre going to do blah blah, you need to blah blah, you cant do blah blah anymore because of whatever" i feel like i live with a bunch of snotty high school girls....
you know how when you lie, you can tell its a lie as its coming out of your mouth? im not sure if that happens to other people..but when im lying, even about the smallest things, i feel guilty as soon as i say it..it just feels wrong as im speaking. well the other day my mom randomly nice the day after grabbing me by the neck and telling me to "get out of her fucking kitchen" and screaming all the good stuff for hours, sacking up my stuff inmy room calling it cleaning even though i knew she was going to make me deal with it later, she was like hey come hug me and it literally feels very wrong to do so..when she tries to occasionally...its like i dont know how to or something,but i hug EVERYONE i know at school..its just what i do. so i make up excuses and leave as fast as i can. so i was leaving and she called out and said i love you and i felt like i was supposed to say it back to avoid more drama like "omg you dont say you love me ever.." huh i wonder why.. but when i said it, i was instantly positive i was lying. isnt that terrible of me? i dont use the term for the hell of it, i want to mean it when i say it and obviously i didnt. i honestly would hardly be devastated if my own goddam mother died and i feel like i have a sick mind because of that.. she tries to say she loves me every now and then but i dont believe it for a second anymore. i used to. but hey, i also used to believe in God until i decided God wouldnt create so much hate in this world i dont care how you try to explain the reasoning behind it theres no good excuse. i used to think wel she wouldnt be taking me to somany doctors tryng to get me help if she didnt, right? no. if she was doing it with good intentions, she wouldnt hold it against me or humiliate me and act like im not right there as shes on the phone loudly complaining about me. she wouldnt drive me, the girl that was once known for her bubbly-ness (my nickname, hence the email address), to hurt herself and not want to see or talk to anyone. i wouldnt feel so paranoid in my own house. maybe i wouldnt care so much about what other people might think. maybe i wouldnt have gone through years of pity dating just because, as i realize now, i wanted the ugly weird guys to feel lucky to have me and then tell me what i wanted to hear without worrying about competition or whatever. if a boy knew he wouldnt do better, he would try to keep me, it put me in complete control of the relationships, and i would learn to "like" the guy because of the false senses i got out of it.i have no idea what a good relationshipis suppposd to be like and this scares me. one of my biggest fears is growing up and marrying and starting a family, which i can feel is inevitable, i want it really badly but not badly enough to make my moms mistake and just settle for the first dude, but im scared im going to become a mother and without meaning to, be just like her and not realize it. i dont know how she doesnt realize it cuz a few shrinks have tried to tell her, my gma used to try to tell her, hell i even told her once when i was desperate that she was the reason i started cutting myself...i dont have bullying problems i have a lottt of friends, my teachers love me i dont have enemies within the school..i have no other reason to feel so much insecurity and pain than because of her. she cares too much about the wrong things. she could give a shit about my social life and how many friends ive lost because i never saw them outside of school, she doesnt care about how muchhomework i have when she wants me to do my laundry RIGHT THEN..she doesnt care if i throw up at school and want to come home because i "cant miss school its too hard to make up" she literally tells me i need to change, and i can see some things i could change so i try to compromise andi say okay if im more cooperative and responsible when it comes to doing stuff to help around the house will you please be nicer about it and not scream at me all the time? i can change but i want you to change too.. and shell say no this is my fucking house im not going to change YOURE going to change some things around here, you need to. and its frustrating because its not fair and for me its like..completely crushing..like...then whats the point? im willling to meet you half way but im not strong enough to try to please you and go all the way there. i dont have the extra emotional strength or energy to spare on that. i have nothing left to give to try to pleaseher because ive given her my best and iive given her ME and ME is not good enough and my best is wrong too. if my best is wrong, thats her problem but when im giving everything i have that i can possibly give to try to please her and that fails, its like knocking down a house of cards and stomping them into the ground. i dont know how to explain it but that i. hurt. so. bad. and its in a numb way. theres like nothing anymore. like my mind just goes on autopilot and doesnt even hear the words anymore just feels the message sent within the words, just feel the hate, such a passionate hate. the words dont even matter anymore! then when i have all this buried pain,theres nothing raw to just get out because its happened too much that now its not like a surprising hurtful event that makes you cry easily and then get over it. eventually i grope for any kind of outlet and that usually would be cutting, so i can focus on a tangible pain, something real notjust this void inside that i cant control..

im sorry this was so long...even if it doesnt get read or responded to, who knows maybe it really does help just to get your thoughts out...but im really sorry if i just sound like another hormonal teenage girl that thinks she has it a lot worse than she really does>.< i am also really sorry if i just wasted 10 minutes of your life and left you sitting there thinking about how i just ruined your day with this long retarded sob story ..please dont feel like you have to do anything with this i was just kind of desperate. but im not planning on killing myself or anything so ill live if no one gets back to me:P