see ara for notes convo about psych lady in canada. also archatsa for another chat; armails1, armisc

Feeling upset at how students were talking about a girl who could sing well

in assembly this girl was gonna sing to the school and shes really really good and these girls behind me were like "erugh bring out miss perfect", just cause shes really talented, which i thought was so mean just cause they cant sing like she can

Some comments about social services from when she was 13

"social services r coming to my house on thursday. i hate them"

"i like one of them but the other one said i was making it up for attention which really upset me. i started crying. i hate crying in front of people"

When I asked her to name three feelings she had about the social workers she said: pissed off, hurt, thrown. She explained....

thrown off. like i trusted her to tell her stuff and then she accused me of being a lyer. so i felt like she'd thrown it back at me and like I shouldnt talk to her and kind of rejected and surprised at what she said

Then when she was 14 she wrote this

i was thinking id like to become a social worker so i could change their whole way of doing things and their system of working to make it better for children cause there not very good to put it nicely. (email nov 11 2003)

Some feelings at age 13

I asked her to take a look at my list of common negative feelings and tell me which words apply

Stereotyped - by my mum, and dad,
offended - by my parents and brother and spcial workkers and police ,
steve says:
k, how do u feel sterotyped by ur mom
anna says:
shes like oh teengers ur age.....
anna says:
i just wana shout im not a teenager but im anna. im not like everyone else. everyones different

Lectiured to by my family
Over-controlled
Over-ruled
Powerless
Pressured
Restricted
Trapped-parents
Bossed around
Controlled
Imprisoned - by my parents
Alone, Ignored, Insignificant
Invisible Lonely
Misunderstood
Unheard
Unimportant
Unwanted

these words r really good they describe how i feel

steve says:
thanks. i made this list myself, i am pretty proud of it
anna says:
its good, u should b
steve says:
i have listened to people like u for about two years now and i have just been gathering the llist

anna says:
Falsely accused
Guilt-tripped
Interrogated
Judged
Lied about
Punished -- by my parents - not talking to me. slagging me off to my friends mums and social services, screaming at me ignoring me
Abused
Afraid
Frightened
Intimidated
Scared


and making me feel guilty on purpose
and like im the bad one which i guess i am but.....
my mum constantly telling me ive ruined the family

unsafe w/ my dad

i feel really unsafe round him. cause i dont no what hes gunna do and he always looks so angry at me like he wnts to slap me or something

and my brother and my mum doesnt believe and really doesnt give 2shits bout me, she cares more bout my dad

steve says:
has he ever hit u
anna says:
when i was a child but thats if i didnt tidy the room or something. he used to slap my arse for no reason till i was about 12

Then she told me she is usually thinking about something else in school and not paying attention.

well i think bout how i cant wait to get my own house.and have my own life and leave my family.

i told my mum my dream bout my house and what it would b like and she laughed at it and then started pulling it apart

Another file with some of the original chat - ar_chat_feelings_list.htm

-

Chat June 9, 2004, when she was 14, almost 15

In this chat she sent me something she was writing. Before she sent it she wrote this:

i wrote some stuff when i was at school crying. im gonna type it up.

I told her I was sorry she was crying, she wrote:

its ok i was kind of pissed off with myslef for crying. id been putting it off for days and something
tipped me and i couldn't stop it and i then i got really panicky and started shaking loads and i couldn't really
breath and it was bad cause i was sitting on the floor in the toilets and then someone came in and i couldn't stop like gasping for air

Later she added

i hate crying in front of people cause it makes me feel really vunerable and scared and like they can see straight through me
and its really horrible cause i feel like they can see like how scared i am. i just dont like it when they look in my eyes
cause i find that when you look in peoples eyes you can kind of tell how there feeling and stuf

We were chatting more and then she wrote...

i finished typing. its actually relaly short cause i got disturbed, well actually thats kind of my fault, my emotions kind of took over my body but
anyway, also it might not make any sense

Staring at a chair leg seems to be all I can do, I can’t speak nor do I really want to speak,
my mind seems to be doing all the talking for me along with my tears. water bleeding.
And I’m not exactly blessed with the ability to speak, my words don’t seem to echo my feelings.

Why does it have to be one or the other, why don’t they believe in a balance.
Tears set my words, sharp intakes of breath leave a long lasting effect on the rest of my body.
Feel my insides being sucked in and spilled out through shaking hands.
My heart feels warm and sad. I don’t want this feeling anymore, its unbearable.
I want it to end, just end itself but if I want to do that I have to end me.

When I read this, I told Anna she was a good writer. She wrote, "Really, I thought I was a crap writer."

Then I asked her how much she liked herself from 0 to 10. She said 3. I asked what parts she liked and what parts she didn't like.

She wrote:

i like my eyes cause there big and green and i
think there quite expressive ummm i like my lips now cause
there quite red but i used to be self conciouse bout them
cause there quite full. i like the colour of my hair cause
its unusual and i like the fact that its curly and soft. i
don't like my figure cause im curvey umm i dnt like the fact that
not many people seem to understand me which fustrates me.
i don't like the way that i find it hard to say how i feel
sometimes i dont like the way im scared alot and get really
nervouse and i hate the way i feel i have to pretend to be
happy all the time when im really not. i like some of my
writing. i did some the other day which i was really pleased
with. i like my giggle cause ive been told a lot that its
cute lol. i hate the way that in some situations i dont say
what i really think or if soemthing really upsets me cause
im worried im gonna hurt other people although on monday i
just went i don't wana talk to u anymore but i dunno
i dnt like myslef too much cause i dont think im that nice and i really
hate falling out with people soo much!! i get soo upset
when i fall out with people

--

A school authority complaining about Anna's hair

From chat April 18, 2005

i had my hair tied up today and the head of year was like can u put the bits that are hanging down at the front behind your ears? So in the end i just took it donw all together, i dont care anymore about their stupid petty rules so they can feel like that they have power
steve says:
how stupid!
steve says:
like that is really important
anna says:
exactly
anna says:
thats exactly how i feel
anna says:
its like u spend so much time worrying about how my hair looks that u dont even notice that i dont actually want to be alive anymore part of the time it just really bothers me how they openly care about your appearence becuase they want others to come to the school. THE SCHOOLS SHIT!!! OUR HAIR ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE THAT sorry im jst a bit pissed off
steve says:
yep
steve says:
i agree
steve says:
i am glad u realize it
anna says:
i do

Feeling upset at how students were talking about a girl who could sing well

anna says:
in assembly this girl was gonna sing to the school and shes really really good and these girls behind me were like "erugh bring out miss perfect", just cause shes really talented, which i thought was so mean just cause they cant sing like she can

The Duke of Edinburgh Training

There is something which teenagers, I think especially females, do in England called "The Duke of Edinburgh." It seems to be some kind of outdoor program which teaches war preparation survival skills to teenage girls there. I have heard they have to do things like walk for hours. I need to get more info on this but here is one comment I found from Anna. I am not at all opposed to girls learning to go camping for enjoyment, but it seems there is a lot of pain involved for teenage girls in the way they do this. And if my hunch is right, a girl who complained would likely be called a wimp or looked down upon. This another systematic way of desensitizing females in England and of creating conformity.

anna says:
About duke of edinburgh i dnt wnt to do it again, i thought it wld be more bout like helping people but its not so i dnt relaly wana do it. u no?