Helen
18, England
Nov 15,2005 convo with Helen - part 1, part two
jerren dice:
hey there
jerren dice:
this is steve using jerrens account
Helen dice:
hi steve using jerrens account
jerren dice:
lol
jerren dice:
ha ha
Helen dice:
lol
jerren dice:
hey i know we talked before but tell me again ur name please!
Helen dice:
its Helen
Note: Her sign in name was something else, I changed it later to "Helen" to make it easier to read the convo.
jerren dice:
ur in england i think....
Helen dice:
yep
jerren dice:
ok
jerren dice:
how r u feeling today
Helen dice:
meh im ok, been really lazy tho, shudda gone 2 college all day
but well didnt lol
jerren dice:
k
jerren dice:
so u took a mental health day off? lol
Helen dice:
ye
jerren dice:
ok good for u
jerren dice:
did anyone complain or does anyone check up on u
Helen dice:
well no1s rang so far so, theyll prob just ask about it next week
n ill say i wernt very well
Helen dice:
which i suppose is true, cos im mentally ill n somtimes have days
where its difficult to get out of bed and venture out of bedroom
jerren dice:
yeah me too
jerren dice:
yesterday i was really depressed for a while
Helen dice:
how r u 2day, any better?
jerren dice:
yeah im a lot better thanks
jerren dice:
i was feeling negative and scared of a lot of stuff and
pesimistic in general
jerren dice:
i am really moody
jerren dice:
poor jerren has to suffer from my changing moods
jerren dice:
do u know about him being here in peru to help me?
Helen dice:
a little but not much
Helen dice:
i just know hes with u
jerren dice:
he came all the way here to peru to help me with my work with
teens and to learn from me and also to get out of the states
jerren dice:
but he has run out of money and is thinking of going back home
Helen dice:
oh no
jerren dice:
yeah..
jerren dice:
its mostly cuz i havent had enough for him to do and we have been
moving around looking for a new place to live here etc
jerren dice:
and i have spent a lot of time on my relationship with my new gf
here
jerren dice:
and havent had much time for him
Helen dice:
oh i remember him telling me that u n ya gf had gone off somwhere
2getha n he didnt knos where he was n thought hed get lost lol
jerren dice:
yeah its been difficult at times!
jerren dice:
anyhow hows ur love life
Helen dice:
meeh its ... complicated
jerren dice:
lol
jerren dice:
like how....
Helen dice:
well i dunno, i went out with this guy, he was really nice but
things turned strange, he got like dperessed n kept ringing me at
like 2am telling me he was gonna kill himself or that hed slit
his wrists but wen i saw him the nxt day he had no scratches on
his arms n acted like nothin had happened.
i got annnoyed cos i had all them problems myself but didnt ring
him n say stuff like that 2 him
Helen dice:
anyway i found it hard coping with my stuff n worryin bout what
he was doin cos id 'stopped' my problems so not 2 upset him or
anything, n after another bad weekend of im gonna kill myslef etc
n then him acting all fine n stuff the nxt day i ended it, but
now we keep bumpin into each other after work, n all my friends
keep telling me i shud get back with him
jerren dice:
where do u work?
Helen dice:
in a big shopping centre, in a sandwich shop in the food area of
it, n he collects all the trays n cleans the food area
jerren dice:
n how do u feel when ur friends say u should get back with him
Helen dice:
i dunno, cos i feel that if i went back with him id be doing it
cos they pressured me to and to shut them up, but i also think if
i dont i wud of let them down
Helen dice:
the break up was weird tho n we've only just started talkin again
as freinds, but he keeps texting me like every day n put stuff
like 'hi babe, how r u? just thinking of ya'. its like he thinks
were still 2getha or that people have told him i might get back
with him, which im not sure of
jerren dice:
how do u feel when he calls u babe
Helen dice:
its weird, cos it makes me feel like were still 2getha when were
not
jerren dice:
like u feel uncomfortable..?
Helen dice:
ye
jerren dice:
i think i would too.
Helen dice:
like hes trying 2 control me, n keep me his, like he owns me or
somthing by calling me that
jerren dice:
yeah that too.
jerren dice:
like manipulated a bit maybe
Helen dice:
ye
Helen dice:
its like i havent had chance to think about the break up, cos i
didnt cry or anything but apparently he cried loads. i didnt cry
cos its the way i am, n now everyones like in my face bout it all
i feel trapped and suffocated
jerren dice:
those arent good feelings...
jerren dice:
how do u feel about getting online hugs?
jerren dice:
id send u one but i want to check first...
Helen dice:
oh i dont mind them, i send them out all the time lol
jerren dice:
k
jerren dice:
well hug then
Helen dice:
thanks
jerren dice:
i have to be careful tho cuz one girl thought i was being
romantic and she didnt know i was old and had a gf!
Helen dice:
lol
jerren dice:
and ur welcome
jerren dice:
hey have u talked to any teens that i or jerren has introduced u
to or from my site?
Helen dice:
ye ive spoken 2 a few of them
jerren dice:
do u remember who?
jerren dice:
there are so many jerren and i cant keep track!
Helen dice:
i dont remember there names but there on my msn list lol
jerren dice:
k
jerren dice:
have u seen the list of teens who have said its okay to give out
their email addresses?
Helen dice:
no
jerren dice:
k... could i put u on it later on?
Helen dice:
ye
jerren dice:
k
jerren dice:
r u online about every day?
Helen dice:
somtimes ye
jerren dice:
k
jerren dice:
has it helped to talk to the teens u met thru me and jerren?
jerren dice:
or have they made u feel worse? lol
Helen dice:
its been alright
jerren dice:
k
jerren dice:
when did u first start cutting or self harming btw
jerren dice:
and how old r u now?
Helen dice:
im 18 which makes me feel old but i have only recently turned it
Helen dice:
im not sure when i first started. when i think back i did
self-harm-like things since i was 4, i just didnt realise that
was wat i was doin cos of somthing my mum did 2 me wen i was 4,
nothing bad tho, but i first started cutting when i was 14
jerren dice:
can u tell me what was going on when u were 4?
Helen dice:
well i used 2 bite all the other kids in my class n family
memebers n stuff 4 some strange reason, so my mum sat me down one
day told me off n cos she was fed up of tellin me over n over
again n didnt no wat 2 do. she made me bite myself n made me bite
harder n harder n harder until i had huge teeth marks in my arm
that id dne 2 myself so i knew how it felt 4 every1 else i bit
jerren dice:
ew... not to what u did but what ur mom made u do
Helen dice:
n then after that whenever i got into little fights or arguments
or whatever when ur little id roll my sleeves up n bite my arm, n
when i was 4 my arms where covered in bite marks
Helen dice:
she thought it wud teach me not 2 do it as id know how it felt 4
every1 else, but instead it put into my mind that if i was
naughty i had 2 hurt myself
Helen dice:
i only actually found out a few months ago that thats why i did
it, cos i was at my mums friends with my mum n her little boy
started biting kids at nursery n she told her friend not 2 do
that n i was shocked
Helen dice:
its prob not connected but cud be why for most of my life ive
harmed myself n find it hard 2 cry
jerren dice:
im confused.. what did ur mom say exactly?
Helen dice:
to her friend
jerren dice:
not to do what she did to u u mean?
jerren dice:
im confused..!
Helen dice:
ye
jerren dice:
oh ok
Helen dice:
she told her friend not to make her little boy bite himself like
shed done 2 me
Helen dice:
sorry
jerren dice:
its ok! ....what else did ur mom say about it...did ur mom
explain it all or what?
Helen dice:
well i think she thinks i dont know, cos i was playing with her
friends kids a bit away from them
Helen dice:
n its not been mentioned again, she prob doesnt want 2 think that
her doing that is one of the main reasons 4 my problems
jerren dice:
just a sec...
Helen dice:
ok
jerren dice:
but yeah i think ur right
jerren dice:
hey how come u said u felt weird about being 18
Helen dice:
cos wen ur 18 its like ur ment to be all mature n stuff, n not do
childish things when im still wrapped up in the life of
self-destruction ive had since i was little n i should of
'outgrown' it now, so everyone can put it down as one of them
teenage phases
jerren dice:
k
Helen dice:
well thats my theory lol, probably doesnt make sense
jerren dice:
it makes sense
jerren dice:
i was thinking u might be feeling something like that but just
wanted to check
jerren dice:
ur good at explaining ur feelings
Helen dice:
thanks
jerren dice:
did anyone teach u or did u learn by urself or what
Helen dice:
ive kinda just did it myself
jerren dice:
k
jerren dice:
hey that face u sent when u said thanks, can u explain that one
& your feelings behind it? lol
jerren dice:
do u feel pressured now? lol
Helen dice:
i get embarrased when people say positive things about me
jerren dice:
i like talking to u btw. this is the first time we have had a
chance to talk and i wasnt talking to 10 pple
Helen dice:
lol
jerren dice:
ur really self aware
jerren dice:
do u feel embarrassed about that too?
jerren dice:
lol
jerren dice:
i mean about me saying it...not being it!
Helen dice:
i dunno, its strange im so used 2 like not being noticed n stuff
during school etc n now people say 'nice' things n i get
embarased cos im not used 2 it, im used 2 people pointing n
calling me a freak, or laughing at me
jerren dice:
aw...hug
Helen dice:
thanks lol
jerren dice:
people can be really mean in england
jerren dice:
teen girls can be the worst i think
Helen dice:
ye
jerren dice:
do u have a really good friend in real life who doesnt pressure
u?
jerren dice:
and who u feel understood and emotionally supported by
jerren dice:
and who gives u hugs & who u can cry with and get a hug from?
Helen dice:
no
Helen dice:
i mean i ahve friends ye, n wen we see each other we like give
each other a quick hello hug but thats it, id never be able 2 cry
in front of them or anything
jerren dice:
k
jerren dice:
well heres another.... hug
Helen dice:
i wish i had one, before i used 2 'dream' of having friends like
in films where u have PJ partys n all that stuff u no wen ur like
12
Helen dice:
can u see that?
(she sent me a moving hug)
jerren dice:
lol
jerren dice:
yeah its cute
jerren dice:
thanks
Helen dice:
i think its funny lol
jerren dice:
yeah it is
Helen dice:
r u on ya own comp? cos i can tell ya how to add it onto your
icon thing if u want
jerren dice:
ive never seen moving hugs before
jerren dice:
no, im at a public one, but go ahead cuz ill save the convo.
jerren dice:
which reminds me....can i make a page on u for my site and put
this convo on it?
Helen dice:
well you click on it with your left mouse button so its
highlighted in a little box, n then click your right mouse button
in the box so a little menu appears and it should say add...
click on that
Helen dice:
ye if you want
jerren dice:
k anything in particular ud like me to say about u as a way of
introduction for ur page? the other teens like to know who is who
and a bit of their situation
Helen dice:
erm i dunno
Helen dice:
theres nothing really interesting to put about me lol
jerren dice:
lol ok
jerren dice:
have u ever actually tried to kill urself?
Helen dice:
ye alot of times
jerren dice:
damn
jerren dice:
tell me about a few of them
Helen dice:
well theyve all been overdosing on paracetamol, i never really
told any1 id done them, i kept them secret only like 7 of them
were found out n i got put in hospital
Helen dice:
everytime the amount went up a few aswell so my 1st one i took
only 8 i think cos i was scared of doin it n well it was 1 tablet
over the doesage thing on the box hahahaha my last one i took
about 54 i think
Helen dice:
i havent done it for about 2 years tho
jerren dice:
k i was just gonna ask when the last time was
jerren dice:
when was the last time u cut or some such thing
Helen dice:
i last cut a couple of weeks ago
Helen dice:
n it was over somthing really stupid n i didnt actually mean 2 do
it n didnt realise id done it till the next day
jerren dice:
ok explain that a bit more!
Helen dice:
well id arranged a night out with about 4 or 5 people at this
club in town, but we all met at the pub near the shopin place
where i work, cos most of the people invited where people who we
work with or near
Helen dice:
we met my sister n her bf in the pub so sat with them for a bit n
when nearly every1 had met up my sister said somthing about going
to another club at the opposite end of town to the club id
arranged to as if we went there her n her bf wud go with us so
every1 was like oh ye well go there
Helen dice:
so i was annoyed that it had all been changed plus i dont really
liek this other club but thought id go cos there wernt much point
starting an argument or anythin, n wen we all went 4 the bus n
sat on the bus i looked out the window n she was stood outside
with her bf n shed changed her mind about going, so we went 2
this club without her
Helen dice:
n then cos she wernt going some people decided not 2 bother as
they were 'tired' so only 3 of us went n we only stayed for an
hour n a half, n got taxis home, but i got my taxi 2 take me 2
the club i wanted 2 go 2 originally cos it was like 11pm n the
club shut at 2am n i wanted 2 stay out later as i wasnt expected
home till about 3am
Helen dice:
after being in there on my own n bored for about an hour i went 2
the loo n somtimes the floors wet n i slipped n put my hand out 2
grab the sink but had my bottle in my hand n it smashed n cut the
palm of my hand, n well the feeling of that set me off n the next
thing i was sat in the toilet cubicle cuting away at my arm with
the broken glass
jerren dice:
damn u type fast!
jerren dice:
r u using ur toes too? ten fingers and ten toes? lol
Helen dice:
lol sorry no im just a fast typer
Helen dice:
u can read it if u want
jerren dice:
u dont have to apologize for typing fast!
jerren dice:
lol
jerren dice:
ur self esteem has been pretty fucked up id say!
jerren dice:
lol
jerren dice:
how do u feel if i say that!?
Helen dice:
what that my self-esteem is fucked up? im not bohered ,i no it is
n people r allwasy tellin me 2 stop saying sorry, or 2 have more
confidence in myself
jerren dice:
or maybe it is the way i said damn u type fast, like i couldnt
keep up, which is true, lol
Helen dice:
lol
jerren dice:
lol
jerren dice:
i like u
Helen dice:
erm thanks, but i dunno y cos im just boring n blab on bout
useless stuff n i type fast
Helen dice:
n look i made loadsa spellin mystakes in that cos i was
embarrased
jerren dice:
lol
Helen dice:
did u manage 2 read wat i typed?
jerren dice:
lol no!
jerren dice:
is it ok if i read it offline?
Helen dice:
ye
jerren dice:
thats lame i know...
jerren dice:
lol
jerren dice:
but i am trying to do 3 or 4 things
jerren dice:
and i want to ask u ab out this...
jerren dice:
....will u take a look at this and answer some of the questions
or as many as till u get tired....
http://eqi.org/ptest.htm ... but keep typing what u started....
Helen dice:
lol
Helen dice:
i typed that i was sorry n wudnt of typed all that if i knew u
were busy
jerren dice:
lol
jerren dice:
ok
jerren dice:
its ok
jerren dice:
i do want to read it and i will but can u take a look at
that parent test thing?
Helen dice:
ye
jerren dice:
i feel guilty now cuz i havent read all of what u wrote,. so i
will read it while u do the mom test
Helen dice:
dont feel guilty, im not bothered, i get carried away when im
telling people about things so some of its just useless shit
really
jerren dice:
oh now ur invalidating me?
(then there was silence a long time... and also I changed the way I was copying the convo...)
jerren dice:
do u know about invalidation?
Helen dice:
erm no
jerren dice:
oh so thats why u havent said anything? lol
Helen dice:
ye
Helen dice:
but i was looking it up no the net so i cud reply
jerren dice:
lol....r u serious?
jerren dice:
ur funny
jerren dice:
and smart
jerren dice:
ok look it up and tell me what u find!
Helen dice:
i do that if i dunno a word or somthing i quickly type it into google
jerren dice:
lmao
jerren dice:
ur hilarious!
jerren dice:
i like u a lot!
jerren dice:
i like how ur mind works
jerren dice:
and i feel guilty cuz i have never talked to u before much and always forget ur name!
Helen dice:
its ok
jerren dice:
k, ur really forgiving
jerren dice:
thats really a nice quality
jerren dice:
anyhow seriously look up invalidation and tell me what u find and from what site... lol
jerren dice:
cuz my site is usually number one on invalidation
jerren dice:
lol
Helen dice:
it says ...Invalidation may be the single most damaging form of psychological abuse
jerren dice:
is that from my site?
jerren dice:
eqi?
Helen dice:
ye lol
jerren dice:
ah!...cool!
Helen dice:
i hadnt noticed that sorry
jerren dice:
lol
jerren dice:
ur not forgiven!
jerren dice:
lol
Helen dice:
(sent me a crying face)
jerren dice:
aw
jerren dice:
just kidding
Helen dice:
im only jokin
jerren dice:
me too!
jerren dice:
ok im gonna do some work ok?
jerren dice:
will u do my parent test thing and email me ur answers?
Helen dice:
ye wat i put just like yes or no answers?
jerren dice:
yeah or expand if u want
Helen dice:
ok, n this has been a fun convo
jerren dice:
yeah.. it has.
Helen dice:
ok
jerren dice:
k
jerren dice:
im gonna just copy the whole convo and put it on ur page cuz im too lazy to edit it, is that okay?
Helen dice:
ye lol
jerren dice:
but if u want to edit it just let me know later and i will take out bits if u want.
Helen dice:
oh no its ok
jerren dice:
im gonna do it now.... or i plan to anyhow!
jerren dice:
k
jerren dice:
thanks
jerren dice:
u rock
Helen dice:
thanks, ur cool 2
jerren dice:
hey there is this girl in england who i call jen on my site... have u read this page....
Helen dice:
im not sure but ill check it out
jerren dice:
anyhow, can u add her to ur msn and talk to her some time?
Helen dice:
ye course i will
jerren dice:
k its xxxxx@hotmail.co.uk
Helen dice:
thanks
jerren dice:
she really needs emotional support
jerren dice:
k thanks im gonna work on ur page now....
Helen dice:
ok dokie