Personal Writing about Depression and How Talking Helps Bring My Energy Back

Today I was feeling very depressed again. Thinking about a lot of things. Like how I am behind in paying my bills, (not because I don't have the money to pay them but because they have been a low priority for the last few years. My highest priority was trying to find someone who would hug me, give me emotional support, and not leave me). I never used to be late with paying anything. Now I am late with almost everything. I am going to have to pay a lot of late fees. I hate to waste money like that. But there isn't anything I can do. It is kind of like when you break a leg and are in the hospital, you have to pay the hospital fees.

My mental health has been so bad for the past few years that about all I was trying to do was stop my pain. Mostly it was the pain of lonelyness, and feeling misunderstood and judged. And rejected. But now I am feeling a bit more mentally stable, or at least I like to think so! But definitely I have found someone who has given me more emotional support and more hugs and understanding and acceptance than I probably have ever gotten in my life.

Shortly after the beginning of our relationship I started feeling very insecure about it, because Laura packed up her things and left one day while I was at the Internet. Since then she has walked out several more times, but since she visited her mother a couple weeks ago, and since I let her leave once without chasing her, she seems to have decided that she is going to stay with me. At least I feel more secure now. So now I can start concentrating on unscrambling things from the past few years. Things like my real estate taxes that I haven't paid in probably two years now.

At times it all feels so overwhelming. I get depressed and then I can't even do the smallest thing like get out of bed. The day before yesterday it was like that. Then I felt encouraged and energized by the help I got from Kel. Actually the help is for Jerren but it helps me too because I feel a lot less pressure now. But even after that encouraging news yesterday I started feeling depressed again. I started thinking things like "I am always going to feel depressed, and Laura is going to get tired of it and leave me." I was thinking about killing myself and thinking that it might be better if I left what savings I have to Laura and Jerren. They are the two people who have believed in me enough to actually change what they were doing to come be with me. To learn from me, to help me.

One thing I have been thinking is that I'd like to see my website continue if I died. Jerren is young and he could keep the site alive for a long time. I know that what I have been doing with the teens is really needed. It is more evident every time I go to the Internet. I want to keep doing it but I also want someone else to continue where I left off and even do a better job by not being so controversial and not allowing any doubt about the intentions.

Anyhow, mostly what I wanted to write about was how much it helped to talk to Laura this morning. At one point she looked at me as I was laying on the bed, staring into space with the detached look that I get when I am depressed. She asked me how I was feeling. I couldn't answer. I didn't really want to say "depressed" because she has heard it so many times. So I said nothing. But I almost started to cry. She came over and laid down next to me and asked me again.

I started talking to her. Telling her I was worried about a lot of things. She listened and didn't invalidate me, give me any advice or judge me. So I kept talking. We talked for a while. I can't remember all we said but after I talked I started feeling better. Then I admitted to her that I was afraid that if I kept feeling depressed she would get impatient and leave me. She didn't say anything. So I asked her how she feels when I am depressed or what she thinks. She said yes, sometimes she does start to feel impatient because she doesn't know what to do or how to help me. Then I asked her if sometimes she thinks about leaving me. She said yes, sometimes. I asked her how she feels when we talk about it and she said she feels better when we talk. I was afraid to ask her if she thought of leaving me, but I am glad I did. It has always been better when we talk about things honestly.

I have conversations with her that I could have never had when I was Jerren's age, for example. I am so much more emotionally honest. And so much more emotionally aware, which I guess has to come first. And I feel secure enough either about myself or about my relationship with her or my ability to attract someone else someday should Laura leave me that I can be more honest and say things like "I am afraid you will get impatient with me and leave." I just could not have said that when I was 20 or 30.

After we talked I came alive. I felt energized enough to get up and start taking my shower. I literally did not have the energy before that. So my point is that we don't need pills when we are depressed. We need to talk. We need to feel understood, validated, accepted, listened to. I wish that everyone in the world who is depressed could have someone to hug, to talk to, to feel all the things I felt which gave me my energy back.

I feel so thankful for Laura right now. I told her when I met her in Cajamarca that her hugs give me life. And I keep seeing how true that is.

S. Hein
Nov 26, 2005
Peru

Note about Laura and my time on the net

After talking to Laura and explaining I need a lot of time on the net and on the phone to get things straightened out we talked about what she could do while I was working. The other night, in case I hadn't written this before, she was crying when I came back from the Internet because she felt so alone. We came up with some things she could do and we agreed I would go into town while she stayed and worked. I had told her that one of the ways she could help me was to find something to do while I was on the Internet so I wouldn't have to worry about her while I was on it. Now I feel pretty relaxed and less stressed than I usually feel when she is alone or I am on the net. I will go on soon to post this. And to try to start organizing things and also to work on the list of teens who have written to me. I told her I would be be back by 6 and it is 3 something now. I feel a little rushed and pressured but I also feel encouraged that some real progress was made today, and that the next time I need to get on the net we can work things out again. One of the things Laura is doing, btw, is writing about her feelings and what it is like when I get depressed. Before I left I read a little. She wrote that she sees now that when I am depressed it is it not just because of one thing, but it is many things on my mind. That is why it is so hard for me to break out of the silent state I get trapped in. I feel encouraged that she understands this. She really wants to help me, as many people really want to help people they care about when they are depressed. But before she met me she didn't know how. One of the reasons I stay with her is because she keeps showing me that she can learn.