Customer service, feelings, emotional intelligence

On this page are some personal stories or "case histories" and some suggestions for how to improve customer service. I hope these stories and my suggestions help raise business owners/managers' awareness of the importance of our feelings, and also help them learn some new skills. I don't really believe you can "raise a person's emotional intelligence" but I do believe you can develop it and I definitely believe you can teach things to people so they appear to be more emotionally intelligent.

- Don't lie and say the manager is in a meeting if that is not true.
- Check with the manager to see when he/she will be out and tell the customer.
- Ask the customer if they would like the manager to contact them.

Yesterday I tried to get access to my Internet account from a friend's computer. I called Telstra to get some help. I was told Telstra no longer provided support for Windows 3.1 operating systems. I was told even if someone knew how to help me, they would not be allowed to or they could "lose their jobs." I felt very unsatisfied and unhelped by this answer, so I protested. They then got defensive and said "Even Microsoft is not supporting Windows 3.1 anymore." This did not help me feel any better, so I let them know this. Actually it only helped me feel debated with.

When a customer calls for help or with a complaint, the last thing they want is to be debated with.

I then asked to speak to a supervisor, and to my surprise I was quickly transferred to one. The supervisor showed some understanding of my situation and tried to explain to me why Telstra has this policy. I felt empathy for his position and I told him so. Yet the policy itself was now bothering me more than the initial frustration of not being able to connect to the Internet. I explained this to him and asked to speak to his supervisor. I then felt stonewalled. I was told there was no one else above him. When employees are told to say this I really resent it and feel offended by it. It is an offense to my intelligence for someone at that level to tell me there is no one above them. I felt sarcastic and wanted to say, "In other words, you are the Chairman of the Board?"

When I persisted in my request for someone to talk to he gave me another number to call. I tried to show my understanding and empathy for his position again by saying "I know you don't make the rules. I have nothing against you personally," etc.

I then called this number and spoke to someone I will call R. R sounded very friendly. Perhaps just a bit exaggerated in his friendliness, actually. It seemed he was trained to be very agreeable and polite. Whether this was his own personality is hard to say, but I would estimate he was about 80 percent sincere. He took down some information and said he would call me back. When we spoke again he told me he was glad to get me because he had been trying for a long time and my line was busy. I apologized and thanked him for being persistent. In all honesty I was also trying hard to be polite and was exaggerating my feelings a bit myself. But there was also truth in both of my feelings.

R. took down the facts of the technical problem and assured me someone would call me. Later though I realized that he has missed the most important complaints of mine. I had told him that what had bothered me most was a) the fact that the employees were being told they cannot provide support for "unsupported products" even if they know how to and b) that I was told there was no one above the supervisor.

R. typed everything into a database. Then he read it back to me for verification. This took some time, but it seemed to be a good idea. When R. read the facts back to me (another good idea) he did not included either of the most important points of my complaint. He focused only on the technical side of my initial call for help. It was only after I got off the phone and literally slept on it that I realized this. So this is what has motivated me to write this morning.

What I would recommend to those who train customer service reps is to have them ask the customer what is bothering you the most. In my case I actually told the rep but he was not trained to hear me. He was trained only to focus on resolving the technical problem, not to directly address the customer's feelings or non-technical concerns. So I still feel unsatisfied with the way this has been handled. Let's say at this point I feel satisfied 5

The other day I called to question why I was suddenly being charged a 15 dollars service fee. My first feeling was frustration because the person I was talking to could barely speak English. Had she had a foreign accent I would have felt more understanding, but it was clear her accent came from somewhere in America. She also sounded like a tape recording and sounded as if she were forcing herself to sound cheerful and helpful when those emotions were not actually present.

As I questioned her she quickly became defensive. She told me that the minimum balance needed to avoid a service charge had gone from $700 to "ten hundred fifty dollars." Evidently she couldn't handle the concept of thousands so she just went from nine hundred to ten hundred in her mind. Feeling pessimistic about my chances of being understood and helped by her, I asked her to transfer me to a supervisor, which she did.

The supervisor also sounded like a recording, but she sounded as though she was a bit more intelligent, so I felt a little encouraged. She was also defensive, however, and she defended and repeated the bank policies for what seemed like about ten minutes while I held the phone away from my ear. At one point I asked her if she were willing to lose a customer over fifteen dollars. She did not answer my question. She simply repeated the bank's policy while I rolled my eyes in disbelief. I decided to play the tape recorder game too, so I repeated my question and asked if she were willing to lose a customer over 15 dollars.

I let her talk and talk, not wanting to put her even more on the defensive by interrupting her. I realized she was comforted by the sound of her own voice and by the security she found in the bank's rigid policies. I then felt lectured to and condescended to when she told me how it is the customer's responsibility to read the statement because there is "important information on it and that is how we communicate with our customers".

When she finally stopped talking I reminded her that I did not receive my statement informing me of the change in policy. Evidently this had not registered with her the first time I said it. Perhaps this was because she was initially feeling defensive and was preparing her response rather than listening to me. But this time she apparently felt more open to hearing me since she had satisfied herself by talking on and on about the bank's policies. Now she seemed to decide that she had justification enough to give her supervisor if she were ever questioned. She sounded relieved in fact, realizing she wouldn't actually have to use her own judgment or take a firm stand about losing a customer over fifteen dollars.

- I tried to explain my traveling situation to her-- how I travel between three countries and frequently don't get my mail on a timely basis -- but that fell on deaf ears, leaving me feeling even less understood.

- She tried to get me to show some appreciation for her or to perhaps feel indebted to her for offering to remove one of the two charges. She said something like "Well, I am offering to remove one of the charges."

- I asked if I could speak to someone else. She tried to bluff me that she was the final authority, though I know she is about 10 levels down from that.

- I said I was dissatisfied and she didn't address my feelings. She just repeated herself again as if I had no feelings at all and as if I would simply accept her decision if she repeated it enough times. Maybe she was taught this in a training course. Probably. Probably someone in the bank read a book about how to effectively handle customer complaints and the tape recording approach was suggested as one good technique. It certainly doesn't require intelligent representatives so that is big factor in its favor!

After that call I felt continued stress for several hours. I still feel the stress writing about it. These are not the ways you want your customers to feel. But the more I write, and the more fully I express myself and my feelings, the less stressed I feel. Thus the value of identifying and communicating emotions.

She could have shown understanding by saying something like: "That is a shock to see when you get your statement, isn't it? That's not a good feeling. Let's see what I can do to help." Or she could have said a lot of customers were surprised by that.

Or she could have said, "No problem. Sorry for that. We will remove the charges right away."

Yesterday I took my van into have someone take a look at the gearbox, which is leaking oil. Initially, I had good feelings. I felt mostly trusting of the garage and the owner and I was welcomed warmly and seemingly sincerely by the first mechanic who met me. He raised the van so he could walk under it. Then he opened the gearbox and put some oil in from a large container he had carried over. I was only expecting him to check the oil level, not to top it off, so when he did I felt pleasantly surprised and thought, "That was nice of him." I assumed it was part of their way of being helpful and building good will with their customers so also assumed he was not going to charge me for it. I felt glad that I'd brought the van in to have it checked rather than continuing to drive around and worry that I was running out of fluid, which could cause serious damage. I didn't say anything about him filling it, probably because I felt a little guilty for getting some apparently free oil. Without a past history of guilty feelings I might have spontaneously said, "Thanks for filling that up. That takes a worry off of my mind. I appreciate you doing it without charging me." This is the kind of thing a child would be more likely to say. But since he was the authority at that moment and perhaps my childhood fear of authorities still affects me I stood silently, letting him be in control. I also felt a little self-conscious since I am from America and I don't want to give Americans an even worse name for being pushy, demanding, etc.

Later I asked him how much it might cost to fix the leaking seals. He said he didn't know, and that he just did the work. I felt a little surprised by that answer. I would have expected that in such a small garage he would have some idea. He didn't even seem interested in knowing, which also surprised and concerned me. In fact, his answer sounded a slight bit defensive. I wondered if he had been instructed not to give his opinion on repair costs, and had perhaps been reprimanded for doing so in the past. It seemed like an unnecessary division between management and labor, given that he seemed capable enough of learning about giving rough estimates. Neither did he offer to ask his boss, so I had to prompt him to do so.

He walked over and spoke quietly with the boss for a moment. Somewhat unsure whether it was okay for me to be privy to this conversation I slowly walked closer. The boss said he couldn't give me an estimate. He said he wouldn't know till he opened up the gearbox. I felt uncomfortable with this, but tried to be understanding. There was some tension between us. He could sense I felt uncomfortable and I could sense he felt uncomfortable as well. So to reduce the tension I said, "Oh, so you don't know what you are going run into?" He said, "That's right so there is no way we can tell you how much it is going to be ahead of time." I tried to lighten things up some more and show my faith and trust in him so I joked, "Well it can't be as much as new van, that's for sure." He laughed and said, "That's for sure." But still I didn't feel comfortable with his answers. He didn't connect with my desire to get some idea of how much it might cost, even in the worst case. He could have given me some different scenarios, telling me how much it would be if it were just the seals, how much it might be if he had to replace some bushing, etc. He could have said, "So you just want a ballpark figure, or a worst case estimate?" Then I would have felt more understood.

As I walked away, the first mechanic drove my van back to the parking lot. We talked about when they might be able to do the work. I said I was going to check around town and that I might also have the work done in another city where I could stay with a friend in case it took two days. Maybe this caused him to worry about whether I would be back because after he said okay to that he added "It will just be a couple dollars for the oil, say 10 dollars." He said it a bit hesitatingly and a bit defensively, as if he half expected me to protest, perhaps knowing that I would have assumed there was originally not going to be a charge for it.

I felt a little stunned. I thought that ten dollars was a lot more than a couple dollars. But I did not protest. I just paid the ten dollars. I even thanked him, trying to sound cheerful and appreciative. But I didn't feel very appreciative. I had some feelings of appreciation up to that point, but they were tainted by my other uncomfortable feelings. Now they were almost completely gone. As I left I wondered if I would take my van back to them or not.

They had done some work for me in the past and I felt mostly satisfied. The only thing about the previous experience which bothered me was when one of the mechanics told me flatly, "It didn't pass..." in reference to passing the annual inspection. He could have said, "There a just a few little things which need to be done and then she'll be right. Nothing to worry about." But instead he just said, "It didn't pass, mate". He left it up to me to ask why it didn't pass, feeling fearful it was something expensive.

My trust in them dropped, though, after yesterday. As I debated what I would do, where I would go to get the repairs made I thought back to how I felt and whether I was the one who was "wrong" for feeling suspicious, evaded, unappreciative or resentful etc. Finally I decided I would feel more comfortable taking it to another mechanic, partly because of his location, being within walking distance from my friend's house, but mostly because I didn't feel comfortable with my experience that morning.

This morning I woke up thinking about it. I wrote about it a little in my private journal, then decided to write about it here. As I thought about it more I wondered whether I should go talk to the owner of the garage and explain my feelings to him. I wondered if he would be able to have such a conversation, or if he would think I was strange for being so sensitive. I wondered if people who work on cars can talk about feelings.

I also thought back to the 10 dollars I paid for the oil. I wondered what might have happened if the first mechanic would have asked me how I felt about paying a couple dollars for the oil. I might have said, "Well, a little uncomfortable about it since you didn't ask me before you put it in. I didn't expect you to charge me for it. I actually felt very appreciative that you put some in for what I thought was for free, so now if you ask me to pay for it, it will kind of change my feelings towards the shop."

On one hand I can see that he has to cover his expenses, and I did appreciate him taking some time to talk to me. On the other hand, it is just good business for him to take time to talk to customers, to answer their questions and possibly even to give them a little something extra without charging for them in order to create good will.

This morning I also wondered what he might have said if I had told him that I didn't like the idea of him asking me to pay when I might have had some of my own oil, or I might have preferred to buy my own. He knew I had filled it up once and was capable of doing it because I had mentioned to him that I had put some in a couple weeks ago. One of the things which bothers me is that he didn't give me a choice. What was I supposed to do once he had put the oil in? Ask him to take it out? How would he have felt if I would have said, "Well it was your decision to put it in without asking me, so you took the risk of me not wanting to pay for it." Probably he would have felt attacked and defensive. That would have just escalated the conflict.

As I reflect on all of this I remember how he also squeezed the heater hoses while he had the van up on the lift. He told me that they seemed to have a lot of rust built up inside them and the cooling system could probably use a flushing out. Was he telling me this to be helpful or to try to sell me some extra service? The other events cause me to question his motives. I understand they have a business to run, but I don't want to be talked into things, or manipulated into them. This is reminiscent of business in the USA where the salespeople try to make it sound like they are your friends when they really just want to make more money off of you.

So now I wonder if the next time I will be more wary. I wonder if when I see someone starting to fill my gearbox up with oil I will say "Wait a second, before you put that in, are you planning to charge me for it?" This would be a case where our feelings redirect our thoughts and memory, just as the scientific researchers describe in the literature on emotional intelligence. If I were to ask that question the next mechanic will likely feel untrusted and perhaps offended and resentful. I don't want to see Australia become like the United States where everything is contractual; where you have to sign a contract before someone talks to you; where you can't walk into the garage because of insurance regulations. It saddens me to see a general drop in trust among people. Overall, I still feel a higher level of trust for people here in Australia. But I am afraid that with each passing year there is less trust going in both directions when it comes to customer service. Not only less trust, but more concern about quick profits at the expense of feelings and long term relationships.

Summary: Felt impatient, not understood, unhelped, debated with, invalidated, interrupted, lied to, evaded, mislead, ignored.

May 23 - I called to ask about why I still had a $10.00 balance on my account when I returned from Australia. The month before I was assured that the account had been "zeroed out" and closed. The representative I spoke with could barely speak English, but I don't think she was from another country. She could not understand what I was saying or how I was feeling. I tried twice to explain to her that the account was closed several months ago, that the charge was a mistake, and that had been previously told the mistake would be corrected and the account "zeroed out." She responded defensively, "Well, there is 10.00 dollar balance on the account." Of course I already knew this, which is why I was calling, so I said "I am feeling very impatient, could I please speak with someone else?"

I laugh about it now, as it seems incredible that someone would actually say that to a customer who just told them they are feeling impatient! At the time, though, I felt furious. (I won't repeat what I said before I hung up!) If there is one thing which really bothers me it is to have my feelings invalidated, especially after I have explicitly stated them.

Later I called back to complain about the poor service and I was fortunate enough to get someone I will call Sarah, who was a very understanding supervisor in another city. Sarah checked the computer and was able to see who I talked to. I told Sarah I didn't believe it was very helpful to tell someone not to feel how they were feeling. She agreed with me, and we shared a brief laugh. I felt affirmed, understood and relieved. It is as though a great weight is lifted from our shoulders when someone finally understands us. Sarah, quickly took the ten dollars off the account. With Sarah I felt confident that the statements would stop, which they did. She told me that the person I spoke with was Jennifer and that she would have Jennifer's supervisor call me within 24 hours.

When I didn't get the call I called back and spoke to someone with whom I had to keep repeating my question in various ways before he could understand it. At one point I said, "Could you see if there is a note in the account about it?"

I waited for a few seconds to see if he was going to say anything else. When he did not I said, "Could you elaborate?"

He answered, "What do you mean? You asked me to see if there was a note on the account."

My silence evidently conveyed my dissatisfaction because next he said, in a tone mixed with impatience, disapproval, judgment and sarcasm, "If you would rather talk to someone else, we can have someone call you." After biting my tongue I managed to say, "That sounds like a good idea because we are not communicating very well." He said someone would call within 48 hours, but I never got a call.

So a few days later I called again and asked the representative if there were any notes in the file for a supervisor to call me. Instead of simply looking in the file he virtually attacked me, saying I "needed" to give him a date. Feeling unhelped, and not being told what I "need" to do, I said it was a few days ago. Then he said, sounding extremely annoyed and almost desparate, "I need a date. What day did you speak with him? What date was it?! Again I felt attacked, so I remained silent a moment. He then evidently realized he had gone a little over the top and said, a bit apologetically, "Without a date we might attack the wrong supervisor."

On the next call I immediately asked to speak with a supervisor. As I have come to expect, all the supervisors were in a meeting. I asked for the extension number of the supervisor. I was told she wasn't allowed to give it out.

At this point I gave up. I did get my account closed, but I certainly never felt satisfied. On a scale of 0-10 I would say I felt satisfied a 1. All of this was the result of a single person who couldn't understand my feelings and who couldn't make a ten dollar decision. I kept asking myself, "Why does it have to be so hard?"

I feel stressed even as I recall these conversations. I grew so tired of debating with low level, unintelligent, defensive, robotic employees. (Normally I try to avoid labels, but I belive they help you understand the kind of people I am referring to.) Not just in this case, but over and over and over.

I am sure that millions or billons of dollars is being spent on customer service training, yet I find the customer service generally appalling in the United States. Overall, I feel much more satisfied, and considerably less stressed, when I in am in countries where, although the people may be less formally "trained," they have fewer unmet emotional needs. They are more sure of themselves. They feel less pressured, less competitive and less afraid. In a word they are simply more content. To me this is the real difference between those who can provide high levels of customer service and those who can not.

Of course, when the only people who can be found to fill jobs are basically unhappy people, all the training in the world is not going to make them into warm, caring, empathic employees. That is why I assert that the problems of American society are fundamental and that those in American business would be wise to spend more time on addressing the root causes of this pervasive unhappiness.

I have much to say about what these root causes are and what can be done, in fact, I have written a lot. Unfortunately it is not in one single file, but if you read my sites, and my 1996 book, you will get some idea of what my suggestions are.

I have been trying to find out how I can get a cashiers check sent to someone in the USA. I have written to the bank several times using their online form system.

The first time I wrote it was obvious that no one actually read my letter. A computer program just scanned it and then sent out a form letter based on some key words. But the form letter totally missed that I wanted a CASHIER's check. I am starting to get very frustrated with this process. So today I felt motivated to write about the adventure.

The last time they replied they told me to "Step into a local banking center." So I wrote them back and told them I am in South America. Then they wrote me back and said:

But they didn't give me a specific link. So even if I were in the USA I would have to spend my time looking around the website to try to find the correct page. Also, I just realized, whoever it was that sent the letter or wrote it originally didn't seem to think about the fact that I obviously know the address of the website since I have to go there to read the form letter responses. So I feel a bit insulted. Now since I am afraid they will criticize me and judge me for writing that I would have to look around the site, I will add that it is actually pretty easy to see how to find a location, but still I suggest they send direct links, especially for things which are not so easy.

Oh, I checked their bank locator page. There is no option for entering a country. You can only search for locations in the USA. I thought just maybe they would surprise me and have an office in Buenos Aires or something.

Today I was sitting in a back room using the Internet doing research on emotional intelligence. I was in a special room for local and family history research since it was a quiet spot to work where I could plug in my laptop. The computers have a sign saying "For local and family history only." In the many times I have been to the library I have rarely seen anyone using them. Today I asked someone sitting at the a nearby desk if I could use one of them for a while. He said, "Sure."

About an hour later he left and soon after that another staff member came up and asked me if I were doing local and family research. Of course she knew that I wasn't. I said, "No, but I asked the person here earlier if I could use the computer and he said it was okay." She told me he is not a staff member. Then she said something like, "If you want to use the Internet you can go to the front where you can sign up for 30 minutes." She knew I had already been on for over an hour so by the way she said "30 minutes" it was as if she were punishing me.

I was afraid to even finish the work which I had started so I closed all the screens and got off the computer. Then I realized I was feeling resentful of the way I was treated so I decided to talk to someone about it. I found another staff member working in the children's room next door and asked her who I might talk to about the policy. She started to quote me the policy, but I interrupted her and said that I knew the policy but I wanted to talk to someone about making an exception to it and that it seemed wasteful to have three computers sitting there with no one using them. She said she would just go "pop up" and talk to someone and be back in a moment.

The moment turned into several minutes and I started to feel uncomfortable waiting in the children's room all alone, as if I were a naughty boy waiting in the principal's office. I made these notes to myself:

I went back into the first room and sat down to work. A few minutes later a staff member came and sat down across from me. She looked defensive and a little hostile. She said something like, "I understand you have a question about the Internet policy." She did not ask me what my question was, though. Instead she quickly started to repeat the policy, sounding very defensive. I sat quietly and let her talk. She seemed very upset. I didn't feel optimistic that she and I were going to be able to agree on anything so I asked her if she were the director or manager of the library. She said she was the acting director for the present. I asked the name of the actual director and she told me it was Sylvia Brook. I then asked her for her name and she said "Rowina." I said, "Rowina, you were nice to me when I first came to the library three years ago. I don't know what has changed." She said she thought she was still being nice but I said it doesn't feel the same to me.

I then asked her how she was feeling. She said, "Fine." I told her she seemed to be feeling a little defensive. She repeated that she felt fine. She didn't look fine though. She looked almost as if she were going to explode. I pointed out to her that her face was turning red and her eyes were red. But she continued to insist she felt fine. She added that she didn't see why her feelings mattered, so I explained to her that I write about emotions and in fact I had just been doing research on them and that I believed they are important. I said something like it is my belief that people feel better when they can reach agreements on things instead of just asserting their authority over someone else.

The woman who had kicked me off of the computer was listening to our conversation. I asked her if she cared to join the conversation. She said she completely supported what Rowina was saying. She didn't seem as upset as Rowina, but she did sound a bit hostile and aggressive.

I began to take some notes which bothered Rowina. She said something like she didn't want to be quoted. I asked her again how she was feeling and she said "My feelings don't come into it. They are beside the point. We have a policy..." At some point I asked her if my feelings mattered and she said yes, but she showed no interest in them. She then defended the library's policy a bit more. I felt a little tense, but not nearly so much so as she did. Mostly I was sitting listening and observing. I almost felt removed from the scene. Her final statement was "Sylvia will be back next week. Please feel free to come to see her or to write to her & put forward your concerns." With that she got up and walked away, still visibly upset.

I was tempted to ask her if she had ever received any customer service training or conflict resolution skills, but I am glad I didn't since she was already so upset. I am curious though if the library has ever considered such a thing. I don't see why such a small thing needs to create such stress and conflict. It surely is not healthy for her and it all seems like such a waste of time and energy when I look over and see the three computers still sitting there with no one using them.

I am just more convinced that feelings do matter and that training would be a valuable investment. It seems a bit amusing to me now, but I feel guilty for laughing about it while the first woman is still working at the desk nearby. I don't want them to label me as a smart-aleck and hold a grudge against me. I still believe we could all come to some understanding but it will probably require the help of a third party. It will be interesting to follow up and see what happens.

While living in Gainesville, Florida I once got a ticket for going through a red light. I had my reasons for going through, but the officer wasn't interested in hearing them. For some time before that I had been trying to teach myself how to express my feelings rather than to argue and debate about things. And I had been working on letting people know how I felt as soon as I was aware of it myself, rather than to think about it later and feel resentful. So when the police officer told me to sign the ticket I very truthfully said, "I don't feel comfortable with signing this ticket."

I found out very quickly, though, that she wasn't the least bit interested in how I felt. The only feeling she wanted me to feel, it seems, was fear. Even by my using the least threatening statement I could come up with, the officer still got defensive. She threatened to call for "back up" to have me taken to jail and have my car towed off if I didn't sign the ticket immediately. If she wanted me to feel afraid of her, she had succeeded. But if she wanted me to feel respect for her, she failed miserably.

For several months I tried to protest the ticket and the way I was treated. I tried to tell people that I felt disrespected, intimidated, threatened, etc. The reactions I got were educational, but not encouraging. Mostly it was an extremely frustrating, even somewhat traumatizing experience. Even though I was the "customer," since my taxes paid for the police, my conclusion was that most people in positions of civil service, especially those in positions of authority, were insecure and easily threatened by my questions and emotional expressions. Therefore, they quickly felt defensive. Feeling defensive, as they did, they were unable to feel empathy for me, or even to have any interest in my feelings at all. I am left wondering if a person can't even express their feelings with "I messages" and feeling words, then how are we going to be able to improve communication and resolve conflicts? My best source of hope is to help raise a generation of children who are more secure in themselves.

More secure people would help the situation in these ways: First, they would not feel so easily threatened by questions or other by people expressing their emotions or their needs. Second, they would have less need to adhere to a rigid set of rules and they would feel less afraid of using individual judgment. Finally, if they felt more secure in themselves they would have the emotional room within them to be able to consider other people's feelings.

This reminds me of the "Don't talk about it anymore" that I just heard a father say about 30 minutes ago. - SH