Emotional Intelligence Home Page

Customer Service, Abuse of Power

I am feeling drained right now, so this won't be the best article I have ever written. I don't have the energy to give all the background details and link up all the documentation I have gathered. But I want and need to write something about it.

I don't really want to hurt this person who I am going to write about. But I know that he will feel hurt and defensive. Yet, as with the professor who abused his power over me, I feel a responsibility to write something so others will learn from what happened. I feel pessimistic that the person I am writing about, Laurie Quigg, the sales manager of computer shop where I bought my laptop, will learn anything useful from what I am writing, since he has shown me how defensive he is and how unwilling he is to look at himself or take responsibility for helping create the situation I am writing about.

I feel sad that I have to write this. Laurie was a person who helped me out once. For example, when he learned I had been sleeping in my van, he offered to let me take a shower in his office. One thing I like about Australia, by the way, is the number of showers in offices, petrol stations and even visitor information centers (like the one in Queenbeyan which I have used several times.)

So basically here is the story. I bought a very small, very lightweight and very expensive portable computer from a store called Computerquest in Canberra, Australia about two years ago. I had a series of problems with it and problems getting it serviced when I was traveling. I eventually asked Toshiba to replace it. At first they refused and I felt increasingly resentful about how I was being treated. I feel insignificant to them, among many other negative feelings. Eventually I put together a long letter explaining my feelings.

(I just looked at this letter and I decided I will link it for now. If I had more energy I would take out some people's names at Toshiba because the general manager (GM) there helped me out recently and I am now working on a replacement laptop. I am not entirely satisfied with it for a couple reasons and I wasn' entirely satisfied with the way the people below him treated me, but I do appreciate him helping me out. I met him in person once and he told me he was concerned about me using real names because people at Toshiba have been threatened and have had people call them at home and even come to their houses. Personally, I don't think they would get as many threats, if any, if they would treat people with more respect from the start, but since the GM helped me out I won't put his name in here and I won't put in the names of the two people below him who I have dealt with at Toshiba recently. I would like to give someone at Toshiba my feedback about how I was treated, but no one has asked me for it and I have gotten the impression no one is interested, so I will just leave things as is for now, although I suspect I might hear from someone eventually after I post this. So anyhow here is the long letter I prepared for Laurie last year.)

So anyhow, I am fairly satisfied with Toshiba at this point. I will say 7 out of 10 satisfied. I still have mixed feelings, but I did get a different computer, and one which was a higher end model than the one I originally got, so it should last longer. It doesn't have all the same features as the original one, but at this point I don't feel motivated to spend much more time on this whole thing. I just want to get this piece written about Laurie and try to get back to work on some other things which are on my mind. And I need to get some firewood pretty soon, since the fire is burning down!

So here is a letter I wrote to Laurie Quigg before I contacted the GM of Toshiba this year.. It is pretty self-explanatory.

-----Original Message-----
From: Steve Hein

Sent: Saturday, 10 May 2003 1:31 AM
To: Laurie Quigg
Subject: some thoughts and feelings

Hi Laurie,

I was thinking tonight and I wanted to show you some notes I made.

===

- I appreciated you standing up for me with Toshiba last year and offering
to replace the unit, but since then I have felt disillusioned.

- Last year I felt a little insulted when you implied I was getting a good
deal by telling me the substitute unit had a DVD player. This meant
nothing
to me and I wondered why you thought this would be of value to me. It
brought to mind a used car salesman when you said that. You also told me
that I would end up with another year's warranty, something else which was
not addressing my primary concern. I felt placated, let's say.

- I felt a little dismissed when you told me something like "you are just
going carry it on the plane with you to Canada," implying it won't matter
if
it was as light as the one I bought. But as it turned out I backpacked
around Europe and South Africa from June to October with it. I often
resented the extra weight and the comment you made.

- I felt brushed off, unimportant and insignificant to Toshiba Canada and
Toshiba Australia, now I am starting to have the same feelings again, but
am
trying to keep trusting you to keep good to your word.

- I feel confused about what changed from when you were felt more
empathetic
towards my situation and more willing to help out.

- I regret not getting anything in writing from you last year about
replacing my unit an equivalent one to the original. Now I am worried you
are only going to offer me one of equal value to the 2800, which cost
about
half what the 30CDT cost. I am not sure what you meant when we talked
today.
I'd like you to see if you can find it (the original invoice) it so we
will be sure what I originally
paid.

- You asked me if the 2800 was playing up, as if that was the only thing
which
would justify me calling you. Maybe I haven't made it clear enough that I
do not
want to keep this unit regardless of whether it is working perfectly or
not.

- When I first came to the store & asked if you got my email in october
you
looked away and said something like "I had some trouble with my mail"

- I kept trying to give you the benefit of the doubt and have faith in
you,
but I am losing faith now



- When I was in the store about a month ago and said I was afraid of not
having the new unit before I left for New Zealand you told me not to
worry.
But I was worried and I felt invalidated. Then it turns out my fear came
true.

- I found this from the file I created last year...

During this process I have felt evaded, ignored, misled, lied to,
disrespected, and invalidated. When I express a feeling, my perception is
negated. For example, I tell Daniel Deschamps that I feel ignored. He
responds, "I am not ignoring you." I tell Brett Ponton that I sense no one
is taken me seriously. He replies that they are taking me seriously. I
feel
offended by people telling me my perception and my feelings are not valid.

- The first email I sent you was around the end of October last year, now
it
is May and I still don't have a new unit.

- I have emailed you about 4 times now without getting any replies. I also
called and sent you text messages which weren't answered.

- On May 9th you said you would call me back by the end of the day, but I
didn't get a call.

- The unit you gave me as a substitute was worth about half what I paid
for
the 30CDT and weighed about twice as much.

- I am wondering how you feel about how you have handled things. I know I
don't feel good about myself because I kept believing you, not telling you
how I really felt and not asserting myself. I was afraid you would not
live
up to your word, afraid I would have trouble getting a new unit and afraid
to keep calling you. I acted like I would accept anything you said or did
and even be grateful for it. I feel like I am at your mercy as to what you
are willing to do and what kind of unit you age going to offer me now, and
I resent being in that position -- though I can partly blame myself for it
for not speaking up sooner. Still, I wanted to keep trusting you because we
have had some good, honest talks and you have shown me you there is something
non-typical about you.

- I now am afraid I am mainly a nuisance to you.

- I feel a little sense of loss over the good talks we have had in the
past.


One reason I am writing this is to give you some possibly helpful
feedback.
I don't think you want your customers to feel these kinds of things so
maybe
this will remind you how customers may sometimes feel, even if they don't
express it.


I was starting to feel really hostile towards Toshiba last year and even
hurtful towards them. I don't feel this way towards you and I don't want
to
start feeling that way. I am trying to live by my belief that we humans
are
here to help each other, not hurt each other. I know I am not your biggest
customer but I believe what I have to say has some value. I don't feel
very valued though. In fact not much at all. There is not much I can do about
this except be honest with you, which I think is worth a lot, so that is
what I am doing.

Steve

 

And here is Laurie's reply:

 

 

---------- Original Message ----------------------------------
From: Laurie Quigg <lquigg@cquest.com.au
Date:  Mon, 12 May 2003 08:34:59 +1000

Steve,


You have made it clear that I am only equivalent to a used car salesman
and am considered untrustworthy, please be clear that any chance of getting
any further assistance from myself or my staff have been completely destroyed


Laurie Quigg
Computerquest Pty Ltd
24 Corinna Street
Woden ACT 2606
Ph 62033815
Mob 0414232468
Fax 62851226

 

So when I got that letter I went straight to the GM. I offered to do some consulting/training work for his staff on emotions, customer service etc. in exchange for a better model laptop, but he declined my offer. I then wrote back and asked him if he would help with the situation with Laurie and he had a replacement unit sent to Laurie's store which I picked up recently.

When I was in the store I apologized to Laurie for my email. Eariler, when I had emailed him about coming in to get the replacement I had also told him I was sorry that he felt so offended and told him it wasn't my intention to offend, which is true. He didn't accept either gesture on my part and the last thing he said to me was "Look, you said what you wanted to say in your email and I wasn't happy with it and I am still not, and I am done with it." I said, "Okay...", hoping for him to say something else so we could talk things through a bit more, but he just walked away. Later I told a friend I tried to apologize to him and she said, "Why should you apologize?" She has a good point, but I don't like to see people hurting that much and carrying around that much resentment. I really wished there would have been a different outcome to all of this, as I don't think the world needs more resentment, especially not in a person who has as much power as Laurie does. Laurie is a manager of about 20 people and deals with a lot of customers every day. He has the power to help them or hurt them. I am still not sure why Laurie went from trying to help me to avoiding me and then getting so defensive. I don't think it had much to do with me at all. I am not sure if it is clear, so I should say that he did exchange my original computer for another one last year. I appreciated this to some degree, but as my letter indicates, I was not totally satisfied with the model or the way I was basically pushed out the door with it, or let's say that is my perception of it.

So anyhow, that is pretty much my story involving Laurie. I am afraid Laurie, like many business people, and people in general, has gotten too focussed on money and power and has lost sight of individual people's feelings and the importance of those feelings. Had Laurie empathized with my feelings in the letter which he felt so offended by he could have handled things much differently. He could have said something like, "Sorry that I haven't been as good about handling this as I could have been. I'll try to make sure it gets taken care of." He could have also said, "This was hard for me to read, because it hurt, but thanks for your honesty." There are a lot of ways he could have responded which would have prevented me writing this article right now. But sadly, he probably won't see that because he will only be feeling attacked, defensive, embarrassed, hostile, vengeful or whatever.

I really don't like having to do this. But I don't know any other way to get people like him to stop abusing their power, stop placing so much importance on money, start taking a look at themselves, stop blaming others and start thinking about what is really important in the world and what is really needed. I left the computer business years ago because I decided the world doesn't need more computer consultants. Laurie would probably feel some satisfaction if I were to suddenly die. He might think the world would be better off without people like me. But does the world need more people like me or more people like Laurie? Everyone will have their own opinion about this. But I personally believe, and I believe it with a strong conviction, that we need people who are thinking about feelings, talking about them, trying to work out problems by talking them through rather than just cutting off communication and using blatant power.

I know I have some power by the words I write. I know a lot of people get hurt by what I write. But I don't really know how else to say what I have to say. I didn't think the letter I wrote to Laurie was that hurtful. I didn't expect that kind of reaction and didn't intend to provoke it. I also know I have some power because I have a fairly popular website, and I know that when I put Laurie's name on my site, it will soon be found on google. I don't want Laurie to hate me, nor did I want the professor who abused his power on me to hate me. But I have been abused over and over in my life. I am not a fighter. I didn't want to get into an argument with Laurie there in the front of his store with customers around. I feel bad that even one customer heard his response to me in fact. I saw the look on his face when he heard what Laurie said, and especially the way he said it - the tone of voice he used. Laurie is in many ways a people person. This is what makes him a good salesman and can make him a good manager at times. But if is so defensive and so easily hurt, and if he can treat people the way he treated me, then I am sure he has his problems with managing at times as well. He is probably a fairly emotionally intelligent person. There is no doubt in my mind that he is sensitive. But as I wrote about in the article on the dark side of EI, a high level of innate emotional intelligence can lead to problems later in life. I don't know anything about how Laurie was raised. And I probably never will. But I know what I experienced and I know a lot about how other people were raised. And I know about what our modern society values and what is rewarded at school and at work. And I don't like what I see. So that is why I am writing this. And once again, I apologize to Laurie, because I don't want to cause him any more pain, but there is no way that I can keep silent about this. It bothers me too much and reflects too much of what I think is wrong in society.

I truly believe that if children were taught how to resolve conflicts and if schools rewarded peaceful conflict resolution and values like forgiveness, empathy, sensitivity, and compassion Laurie and I would not have come to this point. He has one form of power with his position, but I have another form of power. I can write. I can express my feelings. I can remember my feelings and what caused them. Or at least I think I can. Maybe I am all wrong and terribly misguided. But I feel better having written something. And I am open to feedback.

Thanks for reading this. Writing is therapy. Maybe Laurie should try it!

By the way, I don't think Laurie is a bad person by any means. I don't mean to judge him. I know he will feel judged and I know I come across as a smart ass, but I do think I am smart. In fact I am pretty sure of it. And some others must think so too because they keep reading what I write. But I don't want my own power to go to my head. I don't want to be a hypocrite. I truly don't. Which reminds me, one of the things I said in the "dark side" article was that emotionally intelligent people are good at using someone's words against them. They are good at pointing out when someone is a hypocrite. I had someone write this to me recently: "Try practicing what you preach." She is a person I tried to help and now feels resentful towards me for reasons I don't even understand. I know I am still doing something wrong if I am creating so many resentful feelings, but I really don't know what else to do. I try to be emotionally honest. Maybe that is the problem. Should I keep my feelings to myself? I don't think it is possible for me to do that. I really think I would kill myself if I couldn't be emotionally honest somewhere. But it seems there is no one who can handle my feelings. Maybe I have had too much resentment built up in me over all the years I was criticized, labeled, judged, mocked, underestimated, rejected etc. This reminds me, when I first told Laurie what I did in trying to help abused teens he told me he had read the book "A child called it," which is about an abused boy. He really empathized with the author. Ironically, the person who told me I should try practicing what I preach is also a big fan of the author. So we have three sensitive people. Three people who have been hurt and are now hurting others. I wonder, am I a hypocrite? Then I think of my once friend, Steff, whose mother would make her doubt herself. I think of how effective it is too destabilize someone by making them doubt themselves.

I have been called a lot of labels. I have spent a lot of time wondering if they are true. My former friend who called me a hypocrite, at least indirectly, would write in her journal saying things like, "My mother says I am crazy. Am I?" She would spend a lot of time wondering whether she was crazy. This is what her mother wanted her to do. I guess if we can get someone to think about themselves in a negative way, or to question themselves, it temporarily stops them from attacking us, if we feel attacked by what ever they are saying. And it gives us some sense of power. I suppose one of the most basic things about abused children and teens is a sense of powerlessness. Later in life we try to fill this void. Some people do it by hurting people, some do it by acquiring money and possessions and positions of authority, some do it by writing.

S. Hein
July 8, 2003

July 9, 2003

When I woke up during the middle of the night, I thought about this some more. Here are some notes....

- People in power often don't want to know how others feel. They often punish them for expressing their true feelings

- People who abuse their power want others to feel powerless, insignficant, responsible, guilty, afraid

- Australians are more honest. Managers probably would not write an email like that in America. But sadly, that part of Australia is dying. I am afraid Laurie won't be as honest the next time. Other managers would just keep ignoring me or send a form letter type response. Or say something vauge which sounds nice but isn't emotionally honest, such as 'Sorry for any inconvenience' when actually they felt resentful. Or they might say, "We have met our legal obligations. There is nothing else we can do. Thank you for writing." But if they did, I would ask: what about social obligations?

- If he had originally replaced it but felt resentful without expressing his true feelings, would he have taken his feelings out on someone else, such as a parent who takes their resentments out on a young child?

- If I were the purchasing agent for a large company and I bought a million dollars worth of products from his store last year, would he have treated me differently?

- The Internet is a great equalizer. It gives someone 'small and insignificant' like me a chance to be heard.

- I don't really want people to be afraid of me, or afraid I will write something bad about them. I would rather they respect my emotional honesty and respect the fact that a lot of people read this site and that is why if I write about someone their names will show up on searches in the future.

- I think of people who have told me that when they have been bullied and then they finally stood up for themselves, the 'bully' started to treat them better. Is this respect of fear? Or both? I think of a guy who told me his fater used to hit him until one day he picked up a board and said, "Do you want to do that again?" I also have heard stories recently of people being hit with canes in Australia till they took the cane out of the person's hand and broke it and said something like "Don't ever try to hit me again."

- - It is sad that people have to resort to such things as a way of stoping abuse. I would rather see people be trained in other ways of treating people and resolving conflicts and showing respect so they have these skills before they get into positions of power. But maybe Laurie will sit down and talk with me about this at some point. I don't like to have this bridge burnt behind me, so to speak. Also, I may need to get service on the computer and I believe his store is the only authorized Toshiba representative in Canberra. The next closest city would be Sydney, which I try to avoid.

- Many people might not understand why I don't want to go back in that store with things the way they are. They don't understand how afraid I am of conflicts, or how some children and teens are so afraid of them and of disapproval and rejection. Some teens would literally rather kill themselves than have their parents be angry at them. I don't like to face my mother's disapproval, for example, so I just stay away from her. I can't be honest with my feelings around her either. She also gets defensive easily. Then she turns things around and I end up feeling bad. This is what Laurie did. He doesn't realize it, but it is a very common trait of abusive people. They can sense who they can treat like that. Had I been more aggressive and assertive from the beginning, I would have been treated differently. And had I gone in with a gun and said, "I'd like you to replace my computer" I probably would have been treated differently. But I am quiet most of the time. Most people would say I am very easy to get along with. Most people would say I do care about how others feel. But when I feel sufficiently abused, I will take some kind of action. The action I prefer is to write. I would speak to someone in person if they would listen and not invalidate me or intimidate me. But not many people can handle what I really think or how I really feel. So I have learned it is better to write. I am really not happy with how things are at this point. I don't think the world is better off now. But I know that I did try to express my feelings with "I messages" and I did apologize two times. Back in 1996 I wrote that you can only offer an apology. You can't force someone to accept it. Then you have to forgive yourself. But I have trouble forgiving myself. I always want to do things better. I want to learn a better way. I am getting discouraged these days. Sometimes I am about to give up. I don't know how to live in this world. The only people I seem to find who I can relate to are abused teenagers. But even they change as they get older and start to judge me. They get broken down by the system which rewards grades and appearances and money and winning and force and punishment and efficiency and productivity and "success."

- This is a nice little computer for the most part. But I feel a sadness when I use it. It reminds me of the loss of my relationships with people. I honestly don't know how to live in this world, or at least in this western society. I don't think everything is ok. I can't pretend to be happy when I look at what is happening. I can't remain silent. I can't just go along with things.

- "Caning" was a fairly common practice in Australia. It inspired Jordan Riak to become an advocate for the end of hitting people in schools. See http://www.nospank.net/riak99.htm

- I am guessing that Laurie was hit with a cane when he was young. I am also guessing he resented it. I don't know how he feels about hitting children, but I would guess he is opposed to it. What I hope he will realize is that you can hurt someone even more by totally rejecting them and telling them you want nothing to do with them ever again, which is in effect what Laurie did to me.

- This reminds me that Laurie told me once that he has only been sued one time and that he always tries to work things out. He said customers just want someone to listen to the. He also told me that he had learned that what seems unimportant to him might be the most important thing in the world to the customer and it pays to remember that. These are some of the reasons I thought I could be honest with Laurie.

- When he told me that I wouldn't get anymore help from him or his staff, I briefly thought of trying to sue him. But I am against using lawyers in principle. I also thought of picketing his store and writing something and handing it out to his customers. But I decided I didn't want to make a big battle out of it. I have enough crusades in my life already. I just wanted a computer that worked which was similar to the one I had bought. I thought I deserved one even better, actually, for all the trouble I have had to go through. Now I have one which is better in many ways, but still doesn't have all the features of the original one. For example, it doesn't have an internal floppy drive or a parallel printer port. Toshiba did send me a second hand external floppy drive, after I requested a floppy drive, but I would have preferred an internal once since I carry the laptop in my backpack when I travel. And as long as I am wishing, I would have liked someone to contact me and ask how the replacement computer was or how satisfied I felt overall from 0-10. Now I am really dreaming I suppose. But, then again, if I were some important then maybe someone would ask me these questions. Maybe you have to be important for someone to care about your feelings. Maybe that is why these teenagers are killing themselves. They don't feel important because no one cares about their feelings. If they don't feel important, then what reason do they have to live? They will write things like, "Who will miss me when I am gone?"

So I wonder: Would Laurie miss me? Would he say, "Gosh that Steve Hein really had a lot to say worth listening to. I wish he were still around so I could ask his opinion on things. And he was such a good listener. It is really a waste that he killed himself. I wonder why on earth he would do something so crazy. I mean he had freedom, he had money. He could travel wherever he wanted to. And he was helping people. It just doesn't make sense. I wish he were here to tell us why he did it."

Laurie doesn't know how suicidal I have felt recently. He doesn't know how many times I have cried alone. He doesn't know that I have no one to say "I love you to" and no one who says it to me. He doesn't know how long it has been since I had someone to hug. People don't know how someone feels or why until they have spent a long time talking to them and really listening. But the world of business is not about really listening to people as humans. They are just customers or employees. Actually I believe Laurie cares about people more than most managers. I think he treats his employees better than most managers. But there is a defensive side to him which is easily triggered it seems. I don't know. Society is a mess. So many people have been hurt and are hurting each other and so there are so many defensive people. Just now I was talking to 14 year old and she told me how defensive her friends got when she tried to tell them something. What are we doing to create all these defensive people? To be defensive means you are insecure. If you were secure there would be no reason to need to defend yourself or to attack someone else or even to tell them you don't want to talk about it. So what is wrong with society that we have so much material wealth but are so psychologically insecure? This is what I have been researching and writing about. I can see what is happening. I just don't know how to stop it. I am afraid it is going to get a lot worse before enough people realize something is very wrong with the whole system.