Home | Abuse
A. Garnier, Professor of Sociology, Indiana University,
That is what I wrote in March 2001. I have updated this page from time to time.
May 2001 Update - I visited IU's campus in April and tried to meet with Garnier. He wouldn't meet with me, but he did at least answer my email. I did meet with his Dept. Chair, the student newspaper and some other people on campus. A graduate student in the department was exceptionally helpful to me and introduced me to a student advocate who was also incredibly helpful. (Carol McCord) With her I felt heard, validated, understood, affirmed, supported. She started an official file on the professor and also met with the Dept Chair. I felt satisfied that I had done enough for that visit. I may still try to bring attention to a university policy on how reporting sexual assault. I feel good knowing I had done more than just accept the University's attempt to evade me, and I feel good knowing this web page is accessible to anyone who might one day be in a similar situation.
June 2011 - Update
I notice it is ten years later. The whole thing still haunts me. I don't think about it every time, but today I'm an emotional wreck. And I gave two people this link.
Here is what i just wrote in a chat with them
See also this writing on compensation
June 24 - Reading some of this page again brings tears to my eyes. There is a deep, deep wound inside me from all of this. I keep wondering what my life would have been like had this not happened to me. I keep wondering, why me? Why was I silent for so long? Just how much damage did it do to me, and how can I possibly repair the damage, or is it literally impossible? I have someone in my life who loves me now, but she can't repair the damage. She holds me, has held me while I have cried - so many times. I wish so much that I could stop this pain. Was I really nothing to you, Maurice? Why is it so important to me to know how you feel and how you felt? You took something from me. Can you give it back? Would you if you could? Or is it gone forever? I feel tormented. It seems fair that you "should" also be tormented. Or at least feel something. Something besides defensiveness. I really, really wonder how you feel now. If you are still alive. What if you die before you ever admit what you did? Then how will I feel affirmed? You know what you did. It is unlikely, very unlikely that you "forgot".
Do you feel any sincere, real regret? Would you have done it if you could have seen into the future? Maybe the fear of me making this public would have stopped you, but I wonder if the knowledge of how much damage you could do to someone would have stopped you, apart from the fear of being exposed.
I wonder if you have ever thought of taking your own life. I wonder how much of my lack of self-worth and desire to die to end my pain are attributable to what you did and how much to what others did. No one before or since then has used me in that way. It was the single greatest and most damaging violation of my "soul" and psyche or mental health in my life.
It seems wrong that I should so often feel suicidal if you are living a comfortable life. Why, in other words, should I die while you live? Is it survival of the fittest? The most aggressive person wins in the end? Or the most manipulative? I probably would physically beat you if you were to lay a finger on me again. There is so much pain in me, from so many places, it could all come together in the form of rage, possibly uncontrollable rage. It is good we no longer see each other. You are safe from me in a physical sense at least. I actually hope that I will haunt you till you die. That would give me some satisfaction at least. If you want me to stop writing about you, apologize. Admit. That would be a start. - Though of course I won't know how sincere your apology is or how you really feel. Perhaps you just feel afraid, or perhaps not. Perhaps you have gotten used to defending yourself. Perhaps you feel secure. Safe. Invulnerable. I really don't know. Like I said in my letter to your colleagues, or former colleagues, who were too afraid to write to me, I only know how I feel. And now I feel energized. Resentful. Deserving of some compensation as well as an apology and an admission.
Back in 2001 my life wasn't as messed up. I wasn't as messed up. Things have been getting worse. I am not sure why I stopped seeking an admission and an apology. I know at that time I wasn't motivated by getting any compensation from you. But now I feel differently. I see how damaged I was when I was younger. The effects are becoming more clear with time. At times my life seems to have no value to anyone except my partner and a few online friends. Something is very messed up with that. But it follows the patterm of all the abuse stories I have read about. The abuser, you in this case, takes something of incalculable value from the victim. Perhaps not his or her life, as when a predator kills its prey, but something immensely valuable and important. It is certainly connected to the victim's self-worth - something I am lacking now to an extremely abnormal level.
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What hurts the victim most is not the cruelty of the oppressor but the silence of the bystander Elie Wiesel
The world is a
dangerous place to live; not because of the people who
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
|Table of Contents|
|Why I have created this
Recent updates to this site Last update: 07/01/12
Letter from Julie Knost, Director of Affirmative Action at IU
May 23, 2000 letter to Garnier
May 23 letter to Garnier's assistants and colleagues
Correspondence with one of Garnier's assistants
Copy of Brad's letter to Garnier (5/25/2000)
May 25, 2000 letter to J. Knost
October 5, 2000 letter to faculty in the sociology department at IU Bloomington; copied to several other faculty, administration and media members.
October 12, 2000 open letter to Garnier
October 12, 2000 letter to Ken Gros Louis, Chancellor of Indiana University
Highlights from: PRINCIPLES TO GUIDE THE DEVELOPMENT OF PROCEDURES FOR HANDLING COMPLAINTS OF MISCONDUCT AGAINST FACULTY MEMBERS ON THE BLOOMINGTON CAMPUS
Research on other schools' policies RE reporting sexual abuse by faculty
My thoughts on rights vs. needs
My many feelings during this process
Why I have created this web page
Some may wonder why I have created this web page and why I am taking action now, after so many years. Here is my 4-part explanation.
1. The abuse never really entered my conscious thoughts for approximately twenty years. Then I went through a traumatic life experience involving a divorce in 1993-1994. After that I began some counseling and joined some support groups related to personal growth. In these groups we talked about things like how we had been abused. That's when the thoughts and feelings really began to surface and I started to talk about it for the first time.
Some time after that, I was doing an Internet search and by chance came upon the website of Indiana University. I saw the option to search for faculty members. I looked up Maurice Garnier. I felt a chill go through my body when I saw he was still teaching there. I feel this chill again now as I type these words.
After giving myself a chance to build the inner strength needed to take some action, I decided to write a letter to the campus newspaper. I copied Maurice on the message and said something like, "I am sorry to have to do this but this has remained silent for too long." The rest of the history is explained elsewhere on this page. I expected something would happen and I would hear from someone, but I heard nothing.
2. Another partial answer to the question: why now, is -- as best I understand it -- that the psyche only attempts to deal with things it feels capable of handling. If something is too painful, in this case too embarrassing for me to talk about perhaps, then the psyche keeps the information from conscious awareness. When the individual reaches a point in life when he has the inner confidence and strength to face a painful event from the past, that event somehow rises back up into the conscious. I have done some studying on abuse and I have spoken with people who have experienced this. A sixty eight year old woman once told me that some years after her mother died she started to have memories of abuse by her mother. Slowly the details came into focus. She was 65 years old when these memories reappeared.
In my case, I have been working consciously and diligently on personal growth issues for the past five years. I can only conclude that I have had relatively serious self-esteem issues in my teenage and adult life. Two results of low self-esteem which apply to me are the inability to maintain healthy personal boundaries and the fear of facing conflict. Evidently, as I bolstered my self-confidence over the past few years, I simply passed a psychological threshold which allowed me to face the fact I had been abused and which gave me the confidence to take some action on my behalf.
3. Because of previous success with my own business, I now have more discretionary time to devote to this. Also, I have been volunteering my time to counsel abused teens. This has increased my awareness of the long-term damage of abuse.
4. Finally, I see myself as a role model to show teens and others who have been abused that they can, and must, take action to redeem their self-esteem.
On July 19, 1999 I copied this from my inbox:
I then wrote in my journal:
I notice now that this Julie Knost can't even spell "consensual," nor did she have enough brains to run a spell-checker.
I then wrote to the email address andrews(at) indiana... , telling him I heard nothing from Knost & asking if he could be of help. I heard nothing from him. I believe Knost may work under this person, but I am not sure. One thing which troubles me is that I have been kept in the dark about who does what at the university.
On May 23, 2000 I sent Dr. Garnier the following message:
I also sent this email to his three teaching assistants, one of which responded (Brad Patterson- see below)
I also wrote this to Julia Bondanela, who was the director of the honors program at the time.
I then decided to email the entire faculty in the department of sociology at IU Bloomington with a copy of the message I sent to his assistants:
Email from Brad Patterson, received May 23, 2000
Thanks for you thoughtful reply. I appreciate your offer to help. I also had a high degree of respect and admiration for Dr. Garnier. I used to sit in his class and laugh and smile at his witty remarks, sometimes being the only one who "got" his humor. But what I said is true and his lack of a response last year caused me to lower my respect for him.
I guess what you might do, if you feel willing, is to simply ask him about it. Probably your intuition will tell you if he is being honest. At this point obviously I can't "prove" anything. But one might ask, why would I bring this up after so many years if there were no truth in what I have said.
When I was in my thirties I went through a very difficult divorce. During and after that I started to look at my life and it didn't take long to realize that I had grown up in a moderately to very emotionally dysfunctional family. I started studying family dysfunction and that led me to study abuse of all sorts. I soon realized for myself pretty much what any TV show will tell you: the abuser looks for people with low self-esteem. He learns to spot them and manipulate them. He counts on the fact that they will not tell anyone because they are embarrassed, ashamed or whatever.
Indeed, I never told anyone, even my family or best friends what happened. When I wrote about it on my web page journal last year, my best friend from IU wrote me and said she never had any idea. This is pretty typical, I think. People try to repress or suppress or whatever such things. But for me, the issue finally rose to the surface and I developed enough self-esteem and self-confidence to say, "What happened was wrong. I was taken advantage of, I was not primarily responsible and I have little to be ashamed of."
It is not an easy thing for a heterosexual male to admit he allowed another male to perform oral sex on him. It was one of the most disgusting things I have ever experienced and I do still feel embarrassed to tell people. But as I feel more secure and worry less about other people's opinions, and as I learn more about the pattern of abuse of power, I simply state it as a fact, without a lot of self-judgment, self-blame, or even embarrassment. I find that each time I tell the story, there is less emotional weight to it. So this is kind of a healing to get it out in the open a bit more. Also, I hope and believe that each time one person speaks out about abuse, it encourages others to do so.
Anyhow, as far as the details which you asked about...
During the semester I had Dr. Garnier, I once went to the IU auditorium to catch part of a movie or a play or something. I saw him and his wife, who he introduced me to. He invited me to sit with him, which I did. Soon after I sat down, he put his hand on my leg, just above my knee and started to squeeze my thigh.
I felt stunned and incredulous. I was wearing shorts at the time, which made his action even more shocking. I didn't know what to do. I think I just moved my leg and he got the message and took away his hand. A few minutes later I got up and left, since I felt so uncomfortable staying there. Neither of us said anything about it. What shocked me the most, actually, was that his wife was right there. I remember wondering if she were aware of what he was doing and what kind of a relationship they had.
Sometime after that, I was in my dorm room at night and I saw him standing outside my window looking in. I had a dorm on the first floor of what was then the Spanish house. The dorm was part of what is now called Ashley, I believe. Again I felt stunned, and a little afraid. He smiled and said something through the window. A few moments later he was at my door. I felt embarrassed to have my friends see him in the hallway so I let him come in my room. I will never forget him trying to kiss me with his scratchy face and smelling of pipe smoke. He was trying to talk me into a homosexual relationship with him, telling me all the merits of it.
I tried to make it very clear to him that I wasn't the least bit interested in that. I used the excuse of having a girlfriend at Manchester College as a way of protecting his feelings so he wouldn't feel as rejected, since he was my professor. Because of his power over me, I didn't want to simply flatly reject him or do anything which would jeopardize my grade. My grades were very important to me and I did in fact get a perfect 4.0 that semester even taking two or three honors classes.
Anyhow, he continued to force himself upon me and was very aggressive. He fondled my crotch and was able to give me an erection. I often wondered why, when I was so disgusted, that I responded to his fondling. Many years later I read that such an automatic response is common in both men and women when their genitals are stimulated. I read that sometimes even women who are raped will produce the natural body fluid in their vaginas, for example. This contributes to both their sense of guilt and to the rapist's belief that she "wanted it."
At any rate, he then unzipped my pants and gave me oral sex. He was trying to get me to reciprocate and I refused to. I told him I just couldn't see myself ever doing such a thing. Again, I was afraid to tell him how disgusted I really felt. He smiled and said something like, "You will learn to like to do it." I felt offended and thought to myself, "Never, absolutely never." I don't remember if it was before or after this that he was rubbing himself on me. At some point he took his penis out of his pants. I remember that it was the first uncircumcised penis I had ever seen. He managed to give himself an orgasm and I remember him using a wash cloth which was hanging on a towel rack to clean himself up. The wash cloth was dry and he said something like, "This would be very handy if it were just wet." He obviously thought of coming back to my room again some day. I said nothing. Fortunately, he never returned.
From that night I also remember there was someone knocking on the door repeatedly while we were in there. I was afraid they were looking through the large crack between the door frame and the cement block walls. I felt ashamed and secretive. I knew this was something which should be hidden and not talked about. So I never did talk about it to anyone at IU, nor to anyone at all for years and years later. It wasn't till I was 35 or so that I actually ever told anyone about it. I think the first time I ever disclosed it to another person was in a men's group which was mostly made up of divorced men around 30-45 years old. Then I told a couple of other people from time to time and that has been about it. It wasn't till last year that I saw an email address in the IU alumni magazine and decided to email the editor and ask her what she might recommend. She wrote back a very supportive message and said something like, "You deserve to be heard." She was the one who gave me Julie Knost's email address.
Anyhow, as I wrote in my email to Julie Knost, when I turned in my final paper, he read it very quickly, gave me an "A" on it, which clinched my "A" in the class, and then fondled me, brought me to an erection and performed oral sex on me. I am not sure now why I took it to his office. I think I had finished it a few days after our last regular class meeting. I probably used his attraction to me as a way of getting myself a little extra time to work on it. I vaguely remember calling him and asking if it would be alright to turn it in a bit late. In some ways, I was using him to get my "A" in the class. I was trying to just balance being nice to him with avoiding him and his advances. This is a situation no student should ever have to be in. One more thing that I remember is being thankful that he had another class to teach, and that he actually made himself late to his next class. That was the last time I ever saw him or spoke to him. I felt relieved to have gotten out of there "alive," and with my "A."
Well, that is it.
I don't hate Dr. Garnier. I don't even dislike him. I feel some empathy and compassion for him, since I myself have been emotionally and physically needy in my life and I have certainly used other people to try to fill my own needs. But I don't like to be ignored, and I also feel responsible for not sharing what I know with others. I feel pretty bad at the thought that there might have been some young undergraduates who he took advantage of because I did not speak up earlier. Also, perhaps he might have gotten some counseling which would have helped him understand why he would feel so needy that he would force himself on someone else and disrespect their wishes and feelings. He did tell us once in class, by the way, that when men are in the army they might do things they wouldn't otherwise do. I took this to mean that he began his homosexual experiences when he himself was once in the army in France.
Anyhow, I hope you sense my sincerity and honesty. I felt bad after I sent those emails, but I also felt proud of myself for doing something which I know needed to be done. Perhaps I didn't do it the "right" way or the "best" way, but I did something and I feel more clear of conscience now. Reading your sensitive message and writing this to you has also helped.
So thanks for your concern and offer to help. There is really nothing that I ask of you. But together perhaps we can help Dr. Garnier do the right thing and perhaps we might even help someone else by our efforts. I have no idea if Dr. Garnier ever touched another male or female. But from everything I know of such cases of abuse of power, it is likely that such things happened many, many times in the 30 or so years he has been at IU. He is a powerful, persuasive, charming, intelligent person. Or at least that is my memory and impression of him from when I was a freshman at IU.
I guess I am curious to know if he has been confronted by others, or if IU has received complaints which were never investigated, or which were investigated. One thing I really don't like is cover- ups, lies, evasiveness and dishonesty. I believe every student needs to know what kind of situation they are walking into. I don't think he should be removed from teaching or anything drastic like that, but I think people have a need to know, and I definitely think I have a need to receive an acknowledgment and an apology.
I don't know if he feels any regret or remorse. Probably he isn't able to feel any such emotions since he probably feels attacked and defensive now. He is probably most interested in "damage control" as they say. I do know I would feel highly offended if he tried to deny this.
At any rate, I feel mostly at peace with what I have done thus far. I am not sure what is best to do next. Perhaps I have done enough. I am just not sure. Now, another issue. I would like to document all of this on my web page, but I don't know how you feel about having your name or letter used. I will respect your wishes on this. I think I can just say that someone wrote to me, and I can cut out any identifying information, and I can include my reply to you. I don't think anything in it gives away your identity. I would rather fully disclose everything, but I will respect your wishes since you have voluntarily contacted me.
Perhaps it is time for Dr. Garnier to take a good look at himself and make some amends. Perhaps this will be a positive thing for him and his own inner peace. I just don't know what is going through his head emotionally or intellectually. I like to think that some good will come of this. It is not my intent or desire to simply seek revenge or to see him punished. I don't believe much in the concept of punishment, especially for intelligent people.
Thanks again for your help and concern.
Email from Brad, rcvd. 5/25
Copy of letter from Brad to Maurice: 5/25
(Brad wrote me soon after and said that Maurice had replied "You can be certain that I am considering it.")
Letter to Julie Knost, May 25, 2000
October 5, 2000 letter - Sent to faculty in the sociology department at IU Bloomington and copied to several other faculty, administration and media members
October 5 - I received a message from Brad saying that he wished me well; that he felt "firmly dismissed" by Dr. Garnier when he tried to approach this subject with him; and when he has on occasion run into Dr. Garnier since then, the interactions have been "very awkward moments."
To me, this is a strong indication that Dr. Garnier's
seems to show no remorse, only defensiveness.
October 5 - I received the following URL from a supportive faculty member who wishes to remain anonymous. The site is on the school's procedures for handling complaints against faculty.
Here are some highlights from it:
A. Complaints of faculty professional misconduct constitute an important concern for the Campus. Unless they are handled properly, they can seriously damage members of the Campus community and the Campus itself. The damage is aggravated when disputes are prolonged or never resolved. (My italics)
A. Where appropriate, the procedures should afford opportunity to resolve disputes by negotiation, aiming at mutually agreeable, unrecorded settlements (referred to hereafter as "informal adjustment").
B. Complainants and respondents should have confidential advice and representation available to them from the beginning of the process. Advice for complainants shall include information about procedures and possible options as well as the offer of continuing assistance if the complaint is carried further.
D. Dispute resolution services involve several functions: (1) providing counseling / advocacy services to complainants; (2) providing mediation services by a disinterested third party to facilitate achieving mutually agreeable resolutions through negotiation; (3) formally hearing cases and recommending dispositions in accordance with due process standards; (4) representing the interests of the University.
This may be of interest to anyone who might be inclined to tell me I no longer have the "right" to take any action about this because of some arbitrary university policy on time frames for complaints.
Basically, I find the concept of "rights" fairly useless. I do not respect anyone who simply tells me I have no "right" to something.
Here is why I say this and what I see as some of the problems with the concept of "rights":
This leads to the problem of responsibility: If I have a "right" to something, who is responsible for ensuring that I get it?
It is my belief that we each must be primarily responsible for meeting our own needs, and I include our emotional needs. It is up to me to identify my needs, and then to do everything within my power to see that they are met.
Ms. Knost apparently is trained in legal matters. But she seems to lack skills in emotional matters. Knowledge of the law is at best useless when it comes to emotional matters and may even be a liability. Her invalidation of my feelings by ignoring my correspondence has added insult to injury.
I have my own model of conflict resolution for anyone who cares to take a look. As of February 2001, it is impossible for me to follow this model because no one will enter into a dialogue with me. See http://eqi.org/cr.htm
If anyone is inclined to advise something along the line of "It was a long time ago, get over it," please see this page on invalidation:
I am generally strongly opposed to lawsuits and lawyers. I have been involved in several legal battles and have little desire to enter into another one. I see a lawsuit as a last resort, not a first resort.
Personal letter to Maurice Garnier, October 12, 2000
In case you are interested in what happened in my life after I was in your class...
I went on to graduate with a 3.78. In my final semester at IU I got a perfect 4.0. I never had to have sex with any other professors, though, to get my A's.
I wonder now if I really deserved an A in your class or if you would have given me a B if I had been a female, let's say. And I wonder what grade I might have received if I would have been more assertive in expressing my disgust at your touching me. I wonder what might have happened had I gone to Julia Bondanella, for example, and told her what you had done.
I ask myself also, what difference would it have made if I had received a B or even a C in your class? How much would that have affected my life? I used to think grades were so important. Now I see that I placed too high a value on them.
After my freshman year I entered into the Business Honors Program. As a junior I began taking masters level business courses. I believe I got an A in every one. Again, I want to emphasize: I did not have to have sex with anyone else to earn those A's. You were the only adult who ever sexually abused me; though I see now that I was emotionally abused by many adults as a child. But more on that later.
Before I forget, I want to mention that I almost committed suicide around the time you were sexually abusing me. I was coming back from visiting Carolyn at Manchester College one day. (She is the one I referred to when I told you I was already in a relationship, as a way of trying to persuade you to leave me alone.) I felt completely rejected and devastated by her after she told me she didn't love me as I loved (or needed) her. I remember driving on a two lane road in northern Indiana watching the cars coming towards me. I considered pulling in the path of one, but I did not want to take the life of someone else as I took my own. I looked at the telephone poles and wondered what it might be like to steer in to one of them.
Obviously, I never acted upon my suicidal feelings, or at least not successfully. Whether I ever actually attempted suicide I will leave you to wonder.
I am not implying that your actions contributed to my suicidal feelings. I actually do not remember the timing well enough to put the two events in the correct chronological order. My main point is that it is clear now that I was going through an emotionally needy period of my life. It is clear that I suffered from extremely low self-esteem. I resent you taking advantage of this situation.
This "battle" is part of the effort to rebuild my self-esteem. I don't recall ever having heard the word "self-esteem" while I was at IU. Certainly you were not interested in helping me develop it. One of my complaints with the educational system in general is that it produces children like me who are able to "succeed" in school, but who fail in more important areas of life.
As you will see there have been sharp contrasts in my two lives since I was in your class.
At anyrate, during my last semester at Indiana University I met a female, Ann Morris, in an interview room in the business building. We were both interviewing with AO Smith and we shared a laugh because neither one of us new much about it. She latter took a job in Chicago with ATT and I took one in Toledo, working for the Toledo Scale Company. We used to travel back and forth on the Indiana Toll Road about twice a month to see each other. I once felt so frustrated by her that I punched my fist through a closet door. This cost my fifty dollars when I moved out.
As you will see if you actually read this, I have had trouble with expressing my emotions in a healthy way. This is one of the reasons I now have made it my mission to learn and teach all I can about healthy emotional management.
While I was with Ann she slept with several other males. She would lie to me about it. I once was visiting her in Chicago and I figured out she had been sleeping with her roommate, the brother of a mutual friend. I remember the pain of that discovery. I remember leaving her apartment and calling her in tears before I got on the Greyhound bus for Toledo.
I was extremely jealous and possessive. Her lying to me was almost more than I could take. That might have been why I punched a hole in my close door, but I am not sure any more. To get even with her I tried to sleep with as many other women as she had slept with as many other men while we were dating. Again, this is a sign of my emotional insecurity and immaturity, something you took advantage of. As far as I am concerned, in fact, emotionally I was a child when you forced yourself on me. I had turned 18 just a few months earlier, and though in Indiana the age of consent is 17, I consider what you did to be child abuse.
One reason I am telling you this is to help you see that I was involved in a series of unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships. I attribute this partly to my low self-esteem, something which you further damaged.
I also attribute it to a lack of relevant education. I resent being forced to attend public school for twelve years and still not being taught about some of the most important things in life. And part of my mission in life now is to try to raise awareness of the unhealthy balance in American priorities. I want to make it clear to as many people as I can that you can be academically and financially successful and still be utterly miserable, as well as a danger to the society. This is something you never mentioned in our sociology class.
But I forgot to mention that when I was a freshman at IU I remember making a dramatic tape recording for my girlfriend, Carolyn. I had convinced her to transfer from Manchester to join me at IU, through what I see now as intense emotional manipulation. I would sit on the phone in silence with her for hours for example. She did not know what to say, nor did I. We were not trained in emotional literacy, let's just say.
I used to use the SUVON lines, I think they were called, which connected the colleges and universities in Indiana and permitted free telephone calls. I would go into buildings at night and find phones, sometimes reconnecting the wires to tap into a WATS line. My mother had access to SUVON lines in her office at IU Fort Wayne and I learned I could call the love of my life for free. Interestingly, my mother worked in the Sociology department. She surely knew some of the people who you did. Gros Louis was one person she mentioned several times, someone I never met but knew she held in high regard. Seems to me he came from the sociology area, but I could be wrong. I wonder now what my mother might have done had I told her what was happening. I wonder now why I was left alone to bear this burden. I wonder why no one in my family nor among my professors knew me well enough to be of any help. I wonder what is the point of trying to teach your students about anything academic at all if you are of no help when they are being sexually abused by one of your colleagues.
I never told my mother what you did. Not at least until I was thirty five years old. At that time, she did not know what to say. She didn't ask me any questions and didn't seem to want to talk about it. I have learned that is one of the symptoms of a dysfunctional family - you never talk about the most important things. So I just dropped it. All I said was that you had done something you probably could have gotten fired for at the time.
I have done a lot of study of dysfunctional families. But I am getting ahead of myself. I hope you can understand that this is somewhat unorganized because it is coming out as basically a stream of consciousness. I am not attempting to win your approval by this nor to earn any particular grade.
The real purpose of this is to express myself in a cathartic way, and also to give some other people a little more personal history as well as education on self-esteem, family dysfunction and abuse. Maybe later I will edit this and submit it to some magazines for publication. But that is all less important than the task at hand, which is to cleanse this whole experience from my brain, and body if you believe that repressed emotions are trapped in the body, as some people do, and as there apparently is evidence to support.
But back to Carolyn, who I called on the SUVON lines. The reason I mention the tape recording I made is because I remember telling her on the tape that in effect that she deserved someone better than me. At the time I didn't know that I was feeling "undeserving" and "unworthy" and that these were serious warning signs of a dangerously low self- esteem. At the time I did not know that I would never be able to be successful in a personal relationship with such feelings of unworthiness. This took me years of pain and financial expense to learn. Again, I feel resentful that nothing in my education prepared me for this part of my life. Nothing warned me, nothing informed me. I feel cheated and mislead.
Certainly, you were not interested in helping me develop my self-esteem or helping me develop my relationship knowledge or skills. What good is it to teach about sociology if you yourself are a model of personal dysfunction and a menace to the very society you claim to be so interested in studying?
What value does it serve society to write academic articles and get them published in prestigious journals if you have no personal integrity? I do not believe you will be "judged" after you die. I share your cynical view of religion and I remember a line from the Peter Berger book you had us read, Invitation to Sociology, I believe it was called, which went something like, "To understand the power of religion one needs simply to stand behind a door and shout "Boo!" to an unknowing victim. But I do believe that we each have add or detract value to society and the human species while we are alive, and perhaps after we are dead.
How do you feel when you think of the contribution you have made to society which you are fascinated by studying from the perspective of that somewhat, if not extremely, arrogant and superior attitude which you maintain? Such a posture is in itself a sign of low self-esteem, by the way.
Has your contribution been a net benefit? Or have you gone through your life continually using people to fill your own unmet needs and discarding them in the process. To my list of feelings, I need to add "discarded" by you.
And what is the point of your trips to Africa? To escape the disturbing reality which you helped create in your own country? To immerse yourself in intellectual distraction from your own personal pain and the pain you have caused in others?
Another question I have asked myself many times is, "How many other people did he do the same, or worse, to?" Only you know the answer to that, Maurice. No matter what becomes of this, the other people who you undoubtedly abused in some form or another will never all be identified. Could you even remember their names? How could you begin to apologize to them all? I have a few suggestions, but I doubt you are interested.
I have a belief that I want to share with you. I believe that if you are having sex with someone -- especially with someone younger and less powerful than yourself -- then along with that there is a certain responsibility to be interested in that person's psychological growth.
But you were never interested in my psychological growth, were you? You were only interested in using me in an unsuccessful attempt to fill an emotional need by the substitute of sex. No one ever explained to me how sex is used as a substitute when I was spending thousands of hours and dollars in formal education. Not only do I feel used by you, but betrayed by the educational system itself.
But back to Ann in Chicago. Ann and I later moved to Austin, Texas where she got a masters degree in electrical engineering and I got an MBA. I graduated in the top two percent of my class. Again, I did not have to have sex with my professors to earn my grades.
It is two thirty in the morning by the way. These are the kinds of things that trouble a sensitive, thinking person and cause him to lose sleep until they are resolved. I might feel resentful that I am awake at this time, but I know that it is something that must be done, the sooner the better. Twenty five years of silence is long enough.
to be continued....
Letter to Ken Gros Louis, Chancellor of Indiana University, October 12, 2000
Hi Dr. Gros Louis,
A few days ago I sent you a copy of an email regarding abuse by Maurice Garnier, but I wanted to write you a more personal message.
My mother, Fane Hein, was a sociology lecturer in the Fort Wayne campus for 20 plus years. She often mentioned your name and held you in high regard. My sister, ___, if I am not mistaken, was one of your students in the seventies.
Though I never met you, I have a good impression of you from overhearing my mother and sister speak.
I would like you to take a good look at this webpage and give me your honest thoughts. If you would like to separate your "official" response from a personal response, I will honor that request on my web page.
Steve Hein BS 79 with honors
While there are many things which bother me about this, here a few in particular. I can't really rank them because their importance shifts as I look at this from different perspectives.
- The thought that IU might have received other complaints against Garnier, or other professors, and has kept them hidden.
- The thought that Garnier might have, in fact most likely has, done this to many students. Probably at least one of them was in a longer term relationship with him, such as one of the graduate students in the department, and has suffered much more from his psychological manipulation of them.
- The thought that there are all these intelligent people who can not find the words to express their thoughts or feelings when I contact them.
- The fact that I have been met with this "wall of silence"
- The similarities to other organizations such as cults and the Catholic church, who take an extremely defensive stance when confronted with an unpleasant truth
- The fact that no one has seemed interested in making any attempt to see how pervasive abuse by Garnier might have been. This seems extremely irresponsible to me.
- The research I recently read on the long term effects of sexual abuse of males by males. It troubles me that my already low self-esteem might have been catapulted into a much more serious state. I
- Being ignored by so many IU officials.
- The policy itself which states that abuse must be reported within one year. Anyone who is familiar with abuse knows that it often takes years for it to surface.
- The feeling of being alone. Of not knowing who else has been abused by Garnier or others and not knowing how to identify them.
- The expectation that IU will not voluntarily provide information or cooperate with me so we can begin an investigation and that it may take a lawsuit to force them to open their records.
My many feelings throughout this process
abused, used, taken advantage of, exploited, misled, discarded, infuriated, ignored, disrespected, offended, incredulous, energized, amused, supported, understood, determined, obsessed, encouraged, discouraged, optimistic, disillusioned, underestimated, sympathetic, empathetic, insulted, hostile, vengeful, proud, educated, instructive, helped, helpful, strengthened, integritous, resourceful, traumatized, impatient, drained, depressed, distracted, cynical, paralyzed, afraid, alone, insignificant, uniformed
Updates to this site and my own log of action
February 9, 2001
Letter to grad students - Oct 30, 2000
TO: EALMAZAN(at) indiana... ; LAUCOIN(at) indiana... ; HAYDT(at) indiana... ; SEBALDWI(at) indiana... ; RABARLOW(at) indiana... ; JBECKFIE(at) indiana... ; ABERKOWI(at) indiana... ; BBIENVEN(at) indiana... ; DBLOUIN(at) indiana... ; cbolzend(at) indiana... ; DOBRADY(at) indiana... ; GBURGOS(at) indiana... ; RCARINI(at) indiana... ; HSCHENG(at) indiana... ; ROBCLARK(at) indiana... ; scrage(at) indiana... ; mdagley(at) indiana... ; jedixon(at) indiana... ; LERVIN(at) indiana... ; efairchi(at) indiana... ; KMFALLON(at) indiana... ; dfettes(at) indiana... ; jfreese(at) indiana... ; afullert(at) indiana... ; egaziano(at) indiana... ; CGEIST(at) indiana... ; fgong(at) indiana... ; SGOODNEY(at) indiana... ; KAHADLEY(at) indiana... ; HALPENNY(at) indiana... ; VANESSA(at) indiana... ; SCHARE(at) indiana... ; KATHENDE(at) indiana... ; KARKAISE(at) indiana... ; MKAWASHI(at) indiana... ; ADKING(at) indiana... ; sklingem(at) indiana... ; JKLUGMAN(at) indiana... ; MLAUBACH(at) indiana... ; DLAVIN(at) indiana... ; JLOFTUS(at) indiana... ; ERMAHER(at) indiana... ; JAMCCABE(at) indiana... ; CMENNING(at) indiana... ; KMOSSAKO(at) indiana... ; ELINELSO(at) indiana... ; SNENGA(at) indiana... ; CODHIAMB(at) indiana... ; SIOLAFSD(at) indiana... ; MOWARE(at) indiana... ; TWPADDOC(at) indiana... ; blperry(at) indiana... ; LQIAO(at) indiana... ; MROSENBA(at) indiana... ; PRUGGERI(at) indiana... ; RRYLE(at) indiana... ; CSAULSBU(at) indiana... ; SSCHERR(at) indiana... ; JSCHNITT(at) indiana... ; LSEMU(at) indiana... ; CSHIRLEY(at) indiana... ; RSOTO(at) indiana... ; BSTARKS(at) indiana... ; DASTRONG(at) indiana... ; JESTUBER(at) indiana... ; ASUAREZ(at) indiana... ; bsweeney(at) indiana... ; NUSTUNDA(at) indiana... ; JVITERNA(at) indiana... ; KDV(at) indiana... ; TWINNICK(at) indiana... ; junxu(at) indiana... ; halter(at) indiana... ; dlederle(at) indiana... ; frschube(at) indiana... ; kalively(at) indiana...
When I was a student of Maurice Garnier many years ago I was sexually assaulted by him. I have recently been trying to get the university to take some action, and to get an acknowledgment and apology by Maurice.
If you are interested, I have created a web page to document my attempts.
What bothers me most is the lack of response by the university and the soc. faculty. I am hoping more students will understand my concerns and offer some form of support or assistance. I believe we all expect better from IU when there is a problem like this, no matter how long ago it was. At the very least, it is never too late to offer an apology.
I hope that you are never preyed upon in such a way. If you ever have been, perhaps you can understand why I feel the need to take some action. Better late than never.
BS with honors 1979 http://eqi.org/garnier.htm
I am gathering some information on university policies from schools around the world. The information I am seeking is as follows: What is the university's policy regarding time limits for reporting sexual abuse of students by faculty members? For example, if I was a student at your university three years ago and was sexually assaulted by a faculty member, is it "too late" to file a complaint against the professor? Another way of asking this is: Will the university investigate allegations of abuse after x number of years? Or does the university have a time limit on filing complaints?
As you probably know, sensitive issues such as sexual abuse are often not reported, or do not get reported until the victim goes through a triggering event later in life, such as group therapy, another occurrence of abuse, etc.
Thus, my interest in the research topic. Thanks for your help. Steve Hein
Hi, I am writing to a few people who were sociology majors at Indiana in the seventies and eighties. I was sexually abused by a sociology professor and I suspect he also abused others after me. The university has so far failed to open an investigation, saying it is "too late." Yet the professor is still teaching there. So I am doing a little work on my own. Please take a quick look at this link, if you care to. Thanks and sorry to trouble you. Steve Hein BS with honors 1979 http://eqi.org/garnier.htm
Subject: Sexually abused by IU professor - Posted on:
Keywords: sexual abuse, faculty, university, universities, Garnier, Maurice, Maurice Garnier, Maurice A. Garnier, Indiana University, sociology, higher education, abuse by faculty, abuse by faculty members, sexual abuse by college professors, abuse by university professors, university policy on sexual abuse, reporting sexual abuse, abuse of power, university policies, allegations of sexual abuse, abuse by male professors, julie knost, affirmative action