Tapes 1

Fully functioning people can handle conflict, but normally people try to avoid conflict. Example of seeing someone come out of a door. Do you avoid them, ignore them, turn away, make an unrelated comment, or confront them with "I am glad I saw you. There is something we need to talk about", or the old fashion: "I've got a bone to pick with you"?

( I can think of two other options when there is a problem or a conflict: Go on defensive, assume worst-self-fulfilling prophecy)

To resolve conflict, first become aware of your own thoughts and feelings. Don't avoid reality.

Don't procrastinate. Make a reasonable plan of action, broken down into step by step pieces.

"Intelligent people, through their ability to analyze often realize things which are disconcerting, which others would not see."

She says intell. people are often capable of feeling more deeply, both pain and joy. [I have noticed this also]

"Sometimes people choose to stay in the familiar habit of misery simply because that is what they know and are familiar with and trained or conditioned to do, and the unfamiliar is always scary and uncomfortable." (Comfort zones again).

She says this was taught when they were young and those are the most powerful teachngs (or brain impressions and connections).

"People from dysfunctional families have trouble accepting compliments. They often take responsibility for problems, but not successes."

IE often quick to take blame. [Or they go to the other extreme and refuse to take any responsibility for mistakes while trying to take credit for the work of others]

Side note: Ask what is lovable about a person. (ACOA tape) Tape 11?

Talks about continuing to love someone in an unhealthy relationship. How we continue to love someone even when there is nothing lovable about them anymore. Even sex is not an act of love (if it ever was). It becomes a power play. Becomes less satisfying for the woman, the man will start to complain about it. "Every aspect of the relationship is eaten by the cancer" She cautions to watch out for isolation on both people's parts.

Children from alcoholic and dysfunctional families have these characteristics according to her research:

1. Guess at what normal behavior is.

2. Have trouble completing things

3. ACOA's (adult children of alcoholics) lie when they don't need to. Lying might have been a survival tactic in the home. Perhaps learned from parents who lied or covered up problems. Or simply to avoid harsh punishment, or to get needed attention. But as an adult, that tactic is no longer helpful. **

4. Judge themselves without mercy. She says we need to separate our isolated behavioral mistakes from our overall good personalities (sph adaptation)

5: Have trouble having fun. Since their childhood was lost/stolen, repressed. They need to find the child they never were.

6. Take themselves very seriously.

7. Have difficulty with intimate relationships (She says they Expect others to just "know what they want", can't say it because they have taught themselves not to want, so they can't be disappointed. ** [March 98 or they really don't know, because no one has taught them to express their feelings/needs]

8. Over-react to things beyond their control

9. Constantly seek approval & affirmation

10.Feel different from others.

11. Are extremely loyal, even when facing evidence loyalty is undeserved

12.Super responsible or super irresponsible.

13.Tend to lock themselves into a course of action w/o (without) giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. The result is they spend much energy cleaning up the mess. [and sometimes blaming others and feeling victimized]

From "Struggle for intimacy"

Morality In Our Age, Produced by Knowledge Products, Nashville. Carmicheal */

First listened to in July, 1995

Socrates: Daily moral reflection is the highest activity of human existence. A reflective life constitutes the excellence of human beings.

+ The unexamined life is not worth living.

When we stop living out of habit and blind obedience and start reflecting and exercising our intelligence, we also start to accept and assume responsibility. For example, we stop saying: I am doing it because I was told to or it is my job. Or it is what my daddy did. Or what the preacher says is right.

Scrutinize. Example slavery. Reflective vs unreflective people. UR people simply accepted slavery as they had been taught.

But if we accept something written by someone else or someone else's authority as the absolute final word in morality, we can not scrutinize something and replace it if it does not stand up to scrutiny. Like the Koran & the Bible.

[We need to teach values in school + philosophy, decision making and the difference between what is a fact and what is a belief & between what are healthy and unhealthy beliefs- not "morality" & not religious dogma]

Lawrence Kohlberg

3 levels of morality:

1. Premoral -- React to reward/punishment, praise/blame 2. Conventional morality: -- approval seeking kids seek parents & peers approval -- adults seek other adults approval. -- law and order is basis for morals [+ religion]

3. Post conventional:

-- asking self what is right/wrong. Seeking basis or foundation of morality apart from authority culture religion parents etc.

See also http://eqi.org/kohlberg.htm

John Stuart Mill - father of liberalism.

His principle beliefs:

First, if any opinion may be compelled to silence, it is likely that that opinion may be true.

Second, Since the general or prevailing opinion on any subject is rarely, if ever the whole truth, it is only through adverse opinions that the remainder of the truth has any chance of being heard.

3rd. Even if the opinion is truth it needs to be questioned so as to be understood and not just blindly followed

4th The meaning of the doctrine may become lost if it becomes a simply matter of memorization and repetition.

If we don't challenge our own values, others will. Then we will be left unable to support them, only able to say because that is the way it is or the way I was taught or the word of some "god."

Another problem is that values conflict, life changes, life is complex. [what the society/species needs at one point in time is different than what is needed at another]

[Beliefs sometimes begin to change through scientific research. For example, now we see divorce is sometimes better for the kids than staying in an unhealthy marriage. Of course this makes sense, but it takes more evidence to convince those who were brainwashed by religion. And sometimes no amount of evidence is enough-- you can't force someone to accept evidence or truth if their minds are closed, and religious people are the most closed minded because they have been fed a closed system.]

When judging morals it is best to look at self & consequences (like what if everyone did what I am doing)

Moral relativism: Each persons morals are equally valid.

[Hmmm. I disagree because not each person's beliefs are equally healthy and equally supportive of survival of the species]

If you accept this, then you next consider societal/moral relativism. This means what is moral is what the society says is moral. (at least in conventional morality)

What is moral for one culture or person may not be for another [but still not healthy]

Relativism not same as tolerance

10 Commandments ?

1. Keep sabbath holy 2. Honor father and mother 3. ? you shall not murder 4. commit adultery 5. steal 6. bear false witness against your neighbor 7. covet your neighbors house 8. wife or 9. anything that belongs to your neighbor

Golden rule in everything do to others as you would have them do to you.

[But better is to do to them what is healthy for them]

a good person not only does good to you, but has good intentions & motives

be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect!

Socrates: is it holy because it is beloved by the gods or beloved by the gods because it is holy?

IE is it the right thing to do because I say so or do I say it is a good thing to do because it is a good thing to do.

Blaise Pascal: Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.

Utilitarians- separate the action from the motive of the doer. Example, I save someone, is it the same whether I did it because I would get paid or because I felt it was right or I felt it was my duty? [or because I felt good doing it or afraid of feeling bad if I didn't]

Utili... embraces conscience. [As I do.]

Our own cons. may serve as the ultimate impetus to moral action. Example when the waitress said that Dean and I could sit down at the table, I said I didn't know if the other people were there first. But my conscience told me it was wrong and Dean agreed (peer pressure) so we moved, then the waitress apologized to us.

Justice: Mill says justice brings greatest good.

Road Less Traveled-Discipline Section, Scott Peck */

Introduction:

Peck says the process of achieving spiritual growth and mental growth are "one in the same" & he "makes no distinction" between the mind and the spirit.

Scott Peck Road Less Traveled Tape: On Discipline. We must solve our problems with discipline. **

[note: discipline is not defined as punishment!]

"Life is difficult", is the first sentence in the book. But once we accept, once we transcend this great truth that it is diff. it is no longer d. He says it is thru problems that we learn. True. Each person thinks his problems or his "lot" are special & unique to him & them. (race, nation, sex, etc.)

"Do we want to moan about them or solve them?"

He continues that problems call forth and even create our courage and wisdom. It is "only" because of prob. that we grow mentally and spiritually (how spiritually?)

He says solving problems is difficult. There is pain & suffering involved. They invoke "pain or suffering or frustration or grief or sadness or loneliness or guilt or regret or anger or fear or anxiety or anguish or despair". It is because of the pain that we call them problems.

He says "with total discipline we can solve all problems" p. 16 [exaggerates, like most self-help authors]

He says that desire to avoid problems/pain/"suffering" is the primary basis for all psychological disorders.

[He is really into pain and suffering. He sounds a little like a martyr to me. And rigid & judgmental. He thinks we must suffer in order to be complete. Later he talks about how suffering is essential in good decision making. This seems to me to be like the kid who was beaten by his parents and says, "it worked for me- I needed it"]

Meeting and solving problems creates meaning in life. Ability to solve p's determines success/failure in life (little exaggeration, I think). Says that most of us have some psycho. troubles since we all want to avoid problems to some degree. Some people will go to extreme lengths to avoid problems, like Helen Sherman's agorophobics who are too afraid to leave there house. They will create fantasies, for example.

To the extent that we avoid confronting our problems is the extent to which we are mentally ill.

All of us are then mentally ill to some degree.

Later more about reality & his maps. Carl Jung said neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering. The neurosis becomes the problem (Katrina & eating problem). He says the n. then causes other problems which we try to cover up with more, like layers. (Katrina codependency, trying to change Jack).

** To teach children good mental health, teach them to solve their problems.

4 parts of discipline: Delayed gratification, accept resp., dedication to truth, balance. **

Better to confront, rather than avoid pain/problems

[He talks a lot about suffering, but I don't see it because if you accept the consequences and accept that life is hard, I don't see where the suffering comes from.]

** He says parenting is the most important factor in children having discipline. Parents must do as they tell the child to do. Love is essential. Undisciplined discipline is no good.

He says you should experience pain first then pleasure. IE work now play later.

He makes good point that when we value something we spend time with it and care for it (nurture it) like a teenager with his car or an old lady with her garden. When we love something it has value to us. Then value leads to our caring for it. It follows that if someone has value to us, the person will feel valuable. If we love something we spend time with it.

** Good discipline requires time & energy. If we do not spend time with them we can't even observe what they need help with. Often we impose discipline or brutality out of anger, frustration, stress, etc. We need to deliberate before acting. p. 22.

Lots of little reinforcement, guidance better than a few major ones. Just like keeping a car on the road. If parents show that they are suffering over decisions, children see it is okay to suffer. That is the beginning of their self-discipline.

Child's knowledge that parents value them is worth more than any gold.

** Because when a child feels valued, they believe themselves to be valuable. This must be gained during childhood- it is extremely difficult to acquire in adulthood.

If we feel valuable: We will take care of ourselves. We will value our time We will invest in ourselves by trading short term pleasure for long term pleasure.

p 24 "If we feel ourselves valuable, then we will feel out time to be valuable, then we will want to use it well."

All children are terrified with abandonment. At six months child realizes they are totally dependent on parent, so abandonment is = death. So security is critical issue. Parent either gives c. feeling of world is safe place or scary place. If c. does not get feeling world is safe, he may be more inclined towards immediate gratification, since he can't count on the future. Often children are literally aban'd through death, divorce,separation, or neglect or lack of caring. Or give them message that if they don't do as parent wishes they are in big trouble. Thus the children act out of fear.

Security: Children equate consistent love with security. Abandonment with death. Survival instinct. Security --> delayed gratification. There are many forms of abandonment, including emotional.

Most precious gifts to a child are: Role models of: Self-esteem Self-discipline

Sense of value Sense of love Sense of security

p 26 "For children to develop the capacity to delay gratification, it is necessary for them to have self-disciplined role models, a sense of self-worth, and a degree of trust in the safety of their existence."

Problem Solving & Time

He talked about how many of us can do things, but we just don't choose to take the time to learn how. Or we have a 'mental block' or attitude problem (sph), like when Ann taught me how to solve those math problems. It has definitely helped me to become more calm and reflective rather than reactive.

Problems can't be ignored: they don't go away.

Responsibility

We can not solve problems except by solving them.

Character disorder person says I have to do this & that or I can't... ie others are in control - they are not in control.

Neurotics make themselves miserable. Those with character disorders make everybody else miserable. [I don't like these labels.]

He says character disorder parents blame their kids for the parents' feelings. Neurotics blame themselves.

p 42 when we avoid responsibility we give our power away. Then we resent others and blame them for our unhappiness, giving us feelings of helplessness

p 51,2 Openness to challenge - dedication to truth means willingness to be challenged, even personally, and a dedication to self-awareness & self-examination.

He says mental health requires a stringent dedication to the truth.

Primary reason people don't go for help is lack of courage (not money).

Lying is an attempt to circumvent legitimate suffering and hence is productive of mental illness.

p 65 Balance- "Thus it is necessary that the higher centers of our brain (judgement) be able to regulate and modulate the lower centers (emotion.)

p 69 relationship between giving up something and depression for growth to occur some of "old self" must be lost/given up.

he says the unconscious is one step ahead and that is why we feel depressed but can't say why... [interesting]

talks about Erikson and stages of development - how their is pain with each one bc we have to give something up

Section 2 Love

p 81 He says no one he knows of has ever arrived at a truly satisfactory definition. So he breaks it down into eros, philia, agape, perfect love, imperfect love.

But he then calls it "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's personal (spiritual) growth.

p 82 the more one grows, the more one can love. something like extending one's limits. good analogy- I can reach farther, go farther if I have fewer limits. I can go farther to help you.

p 83 will must be extended into action. ie more than a feeling. it is also action.

p86 ego boundaries. our own limits. (psychological) boundaries keep us from merging (I am using Fromm's term)

87 he talks about collapse of boundaries (like Fromm) then he also uses merging.

p 88 then we realize we are not one with the beloved- she has her own needs and goals. we are no longer all powerful.

next comes either disintegration or "real" love, he says.

falling in love requires no effort- loving does p 89

p 91 compares falling in love to trap to get us into marriage - no peck- into parenting/procreation.

p 94 cathexis- process of attraction, investment, commitment. to cathect. (not found in thesaurus!)

gives example of loving garden.

creating the garden is an extension of ourself.

98 when you require another individual for your survival, you are a parasite on that individual !

"passive dependent personality disorder" ie needy.

he says it is normal to feel dependent from time to time.

[Starving person can feed no one.]

p 102 say a lot of his patients define their goals in terms of finding someone to love them.

They "envisioned an effortless passive state of receiving care." so he says:

"If being loved is your goal, you will fail to achieve it. The only way to be assured of being loved is to be a person worthy of love, and you cannot be a person worthy of love when your primary goal in life is passively be loved."

p 104 a good marriage can exist only between two strong and independent people.

"The inner feeling of emptiness from which passive dependent people suffer is the direct result of their parents' failure to fulfill their needs for affection, attention, and care during their childhood."

When they don't receive such things the kids feel insecure, they feel deficient (my word) "not enough" (his word) - sense that world is "unpredictable and ungiving" - ie won't meet their needs - so they scramble for love [or its substitutes...] and then cling to it. Their behavior is "unloving, manipulative, Machiavellian that destroys the very relationships they seek to preserve. ie self-destructive.

** H: p 104-5 of peck

106 Dependency is unconcerned with growth.

he says the only true end of love is spiritual growth or HUMAN EVOLUTION!!!! I can't believe he added this part!!!

p 107 Hobbies are self-nurturing activities. (ie you can't love gardening)

but if hobby becomes end in itself it is a substitute for rather than a means to self-development. Sometimes it is precisely because they are substitutes for self-development that hobbies are so popular.

p 109 on pets!

The only school we send them to is obedience school!

we seek to foster their dependency

it is their attachment to us rather than their independence from us that we value

Good point pecko!

example of soldiers who married foreign wives - it was idyllic till the women learned english and started to express themselves & were no longer an extension of soldiers thoughts, will etc.

p 109-110 he talks about mothers who "love" child till about two when child asserts own will. Then it is a nuisance. & she will feel an "almost overpowering need" to be pregnant again... the terrible twos are terrible for the child because that is when the mothers love ends. [not direct quote]

nurturing personal growth in the child is an "infinitely more complicated process than can be directed by any instinct.

p116 genuine love enlarges the self- doesn't diminish it.

dependent person fears growth of another

p 196 H:

p 197 case of "kathy" the catholic who peck cured! the one where he told her "I know more about God than you do."

260 defines grace as something like the life force - the force of evolution and growth He talks a lot about grace- a religious concept and term, the usefulness and meaning of which I never have understood.

p 263 Spiritual growth is the evolution of the individual

p 267 he calls the "average quality of present parenting" "appallingly poor" so we agree on that!

p 273 "Original sin does exist; it is our laziness" [!]

Other notes from taped version of book:

Somewhere he also talks about his concept of a map of reality. He says we create it in childhood and if we find it is not working well it is very scarey to give it up. This is because a) you have had it for a long time b) you don't know what to replace it with, etc.

Later he talks about "transference" which is when we transfer something that was helpful in childhood to adulthood where it is not helpful anymore (like sulking, throwing temper tantrums, perhaps)

Somewhere he also says children are often deprived of vital information because the parents think they are protecting him by not telling him. This maybe due in part by the parents' desire to hide something and fear of being challenged.

A decision to withhold the truth should never be based on personal needs. You must consider whether they can use the truth in a productive, non-destructive way. It takes less energy to tell the truth.

He says our tendency is to underestimate a person's capacity to handle truth.

He tells story of wanting to win at chess at expense of his daughter & how his desire to be a better parent replaced his desire to win at games.

Says at each stage of development we must give up certain things and take on new ones.

How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie */

Note: This book could be called the first book on EQ. It is almost entirely about emotions.

Studies showed that even in technical fields only about 15% of financial success was due to technical skills- the rest was due to people skills.

There were no books on how to improve human relationships. Study showed that people first were concerned with health, next they were concerned with understanding people and improving their relationships.

Gives examples of famous criminals who felt justified, blameless. One said, in the electric chair, this is what I get for defending myself. He felt threatened by an AF (authority figure) and shot him. He had been kissing his girlfriend in his car at the time. (Name was Crowley)

Al Capone saw himself as a benefactor to the community.

Abe Lincoln ridiculed someone once then was challenged to a duel. He didn't want to fight, but he saw no way out. He met the other person on the agreed upon day to fight him with swords, but the friends of the two men stopped the duel before it began.

It is more profitable to try to change yourself than others

Great men show their greatness by how they treat little men.

Advises we not criticize, complain or condemn.

He reads "Father Forgets" about the father who realizes he constantly criticizes his young son. He expresses his guilt and remorse and asks forgiveness & pledges to stop criticizing. At one point the father is reading the paper and he looks up to see the son and says "What is it you want now?" The son simply runs up, hugs him, kisses him and says, "I just came to kiss you goodnight, Daddy."

Williams James: The deepest craving in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

Chapter 2

There is only one way to get someone to do something: by making them want to do it.

Talk mainly about what the other person wants. See things from their view. (Identify their feelings)

"If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own." Henry Ford

Arouse in the other person an eager desire.

Most people go through college...without ever discovering how their own minds function.

Self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature. (quote from William Winter)

Give honest, sincere appreciation.

Everyone needs to feel important.

Says some people will go insane to get a feeling of importance. They will get through fantasy what reality didn't give them.

More people are suffering from mental illness than from all others combined.

Charles Schwab- "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset that I possess. And the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambition in a person as criticism from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work, so I am anxious to praise, but loath to find fault. If I like anything I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise."

Once I did bad and that I heard ever, but twice I did good and that I heard never.

Study showed number one reason wives left husband was lack of appreciation.

Talks about need to nourish the self-esteem of others and children.

He says, "There is nothing so much I need as nourishment for my self-esteem."

Flattery is counterfeit and selfish.. Appreciation is sincere.

We all hunger for appreciation.

He said "I am talking about a new way of life."

Chapter 3

Bait the hook to suit the fish. Think about what the fish wants, not what you want! DC says he likes strawberries and cream, but he noticed that fish prefer worms!

We do everything because we want to and because it feels good to us.

Arouse in the other person an eager desire.

Example of getting the child to want to go to kindergarten.

See things from the other person's point of view.

Try to genuinely help and serve others. If you do you will be far ahead because so few others do. Most think only of themselves.

People who can put themselves in the place of others need never worry about what the future holds for them.

Most people go through college without ever discovering how their own minds function.

Let others think they had the idea, then let them develop it and implement it.

In a nutshell: Don't criticize, condemn or complain. Arouse in the other an eager desire. Give sincere appreciation.

Part Two,

Chapter 1 (Get interested in others)

Example of dogs who are excited to see us.

You make more friends by becoming interested in them than by trying to get them interested in you.

Alfred Adler (from his book "What Life Should Mean to You."): It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow man who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injuries to others. It is from such individuals that all human failures spring.

Be interested in people at all levels. Show respect to those who are in humble positions.

Chapter 2

The expression on your face is more important than the clothes on your back.

The importance of a smile-- but it must be sincere.

Example of baby who smiled in a doctor's waiting room which started everyone talking.

Encouragement is a far more effective teaching device than punishment.

A smile is more important than academic credentials in many positions.

People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it.

Work should be fun.

Our actions are more in our direct control of our will than feelings. Sometimes we can create feelings by action, though often action follows feeling. (paraphrase from William James)

The one sure way to create happiness is by controlling your thoughts.

Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions, it depends on inner conditions.

Happiness depends not on what you have or where you are, but on what you think about it.

Shakespeare said "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

Abraham Lincoln: Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Do not fear being misunderstood.

Keep your mind on the great things you want to do, then unconsciously you will move towards them.

All things come through desire.

Chinese said: A man without a smile must not open a shop.

Chapter 3

The importance of using people's names.

People like to have things named after them. (story of the rabbits; telling kids he would name rabbits after them if they helped collect food for the rabbits.)

A person's name is to that person the sweetest sound in any language.

Part Two - Chapter 4

He realizes most people want to talk, not listen. Even when they ask a question they usually just do so to start a conversation in which they can talk.

We feel important when people listen to us.

Many people call a doctor when all they want is an audience.

We want a friendly listener to whom we can unburden ourselves.

Chapter 5- How to Interest People

Talk about the things the other person is interested in.

Chapter 6 - How to Make People Like You Instantly

Do something to help someone feel better without asking anything from them.

Help others feel as you like to feel (sph)

All people feel superior to you in some way. A sure way to befriend them is to let them know you recognize their importance.

In a Nutshell: 1. Become genuinely interested in other people. 2. Smile. 3. Remember that a person's name is the sweetest sound in any language. 4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. 5. Talk about the other person's interests. 6. Make the other person feel important.

Section ??

The bigger a corporation gets, the colder it gets.

Part Three - How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Chapter 1 - You can't win an argument

Example of guy who took a quote from Shakespeare and said it was from the Bible. DC corrected him, then his friend lied and said, you are wrong Dale, so the first guy wouldn't look foolish.

Always avoid the acute angle.

Dale used to be a constant debater. Then he learned to avoid debates.

A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

Would you rather have a victory, or a person's good will.?

Buddha said: Hatred is never ended by hatred, but by love.

How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:

- Welcome disagreements.

- Be thankful for alternative views.

- See differing views as an opportunity to avoid more serious mistakes and to learn.

- Watch out for your own defensiveness. It is often your first natural reaction. Don't trust this defensiveness. Question it.

- Listen first. Don't defend, resist or debate.

- Apologize for your mistakes.

- Try to build bridges of understanding.

- Look for areas of agreements. Look for your own mistakes and admit them.

- Promise to look over your opponent's points.

- Thank them for their interest and help.

- Postpone action.

- Ask yourself if your reaction will bring them closer or drive them away.

- Ask: If I am quiet, will the disagreement disappear?

You can measure the size of a person by what makes him angry.

Example of husband and wife who made agreement that when one is upset, the other will listen.

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

Part Three - Chapter 2. A sure Way of Making Enemies and How to Avoid It

Don't try to prove others wrong. Or tell them they are wrong with your facial expressions.

If you are going to prove anything, don't let others know it. Do it subtly.

Men must be taught as if you taught them not. (Alexandar Pope)

Galileo said: You can not teach a man anything. You can only help him to find it within himself.

Socrates said: One thing only I know, that I know nothing.

Say "I may be wrong, and if I am I'd like to know, so let's examine the facts."

When you say "I may be wrong," you stop the argument.

We cling to our beliefs, but we are more concerned with our self-esteem than the facts.

Most of our so-called reasoning is nothing more than seeking arguments for continuing to believe as we already do.

Carl Rogers said (in On Becoming a Person): "I have found it to be of enormous value when I permit myself to understand the other person." He says "permit" because he says our first tendency is to judge and evaluate, rather than understand.

Do not ridicule or criticize others.

After someone told Ben Franklin he was a know-it-all and was offending people, he changed his ways. He stopped using any words that had a fixed meaning.

Be quick to agree with your adversary.

Chapter 3 - If You Are Wrong, Admit It

Be the first to point out your faults.

State all the derogatory points the other person is thinking about you before they say them.

Admitting your errors clears the air of guilt and defensiveness.

When you criticize yourself, others will often come to your defense, even your boss!

Take personal responsibility.

It is generally better to apply a universal principle than to maintain an old tradition.

For example, in China it was the tradition that the older person never apologize to a younger person - even if it meant not talking to your own family for years.

One writer would say when criticized "Come to think of it, I am not sure I like what I said myself. Thank you for giving me your input."

It is more fun to admit you are wrong.

Principle: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

Chapter 4 - A Drop of Honey

If we differ, let's understand how we differ. We will likely see that the points on which we differ are few and those on which we agree are many. If we only have the patience and the desire to reach an agreement, it is most likely that we will reach an agreement.

People can't be forced to agree with you, but they might be led to agree.

Principle: Begin in a Friendly Way.

Chapter 5- The Secret of Socrates

Begin with the common points. Get the other person to say yes. Keep your mutual goal in mind.

When we say no our bodies prepare to defend ourselves. It is hard to overcome a "no."

Chapter 6 - The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints

Ask them questions; Let the other person talk themselves out.

Don't interrupt. Encourage them to express themselves fully.

Example of mother who let daughter explain herself for the first time. Before she had tried lecturing, threatening, and punishing her. The mother just said "Why, Laurie, why?" The daughter said "Do you really want to know?" The mother realized she needed to become the confidant of her daughter, not the comandante. (sph adaptation)

If you want enemies, excel your friends, but if you want friends, let your friends excel you. (La Rouchefaucauld)

Principle: Let the other person do most of the talking.

Chapter 7- How to Get Cooperation

We have more faith in ideas we generate for ourselves than those that are forced on us.

So let others generate ideas, solutions, offer commitments.

Principle: Let the other person believe the idea was his.

Chapter 8 - A Formula That Will Work Wonders

Remember that others may be totally wrong, but they don't think so. Don't condemn them, try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.

Ask yourself, how would I feel if I were in his shoes.

By becoming interested in the cause we are less likely to dislike the effect.

Success in dealing with people depends on an empathetic grasp of their viewpoint.

Cooperation is achieved when you show that the other person's feelings are as important as your own.

Principle: Try to see things from the other person's point of view.

Chapter 9 - What Everybody Wants

Magic Phrase which will stop arguments, eliminate ill will and make the other person listen: I don't blame you one bit for feeling as you do, and if I were you I would surely feel exactly the same.

Three fourths of the people you meet are hungering for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you.

People often have dual motives: one that sounds good and then the real one. Appeal to the one which sounds good, since people like to have a good opinion of themselves.

Principle: Appeal to the nobler motives.

Chapter 11 - The Movies Do It, TV Does It, Why Don't You

Use drama. (Yuck)

Chapter 12- When Nothing Else Works, Try This

Competition. Challenge.

Quotes Fredrick Hertzberg. Says one major motivating factor was work itself.

1. Avoid arguments

2. Show respect for the other's opinions; never say, "You are wrong."

3. When wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

4.Begin in a friendly way.

5. Get the other person to say Yes

6. Let the other do most of the talking.

7. Let the other believe the ideas was his.

8. Try to see things from the other's point of view.

9. Be empathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

10. Appeal to the nobler motives.

11. Use drama.

12. Use a challenge.

Part Four - Be A Leader. How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

Chapter 1

Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

Chapter 2 - How to Criticize and Not Be Hated

Use "and" instead of "but"

Call attention to one's mistakes indirectly.

Chapter 3 - Talk about your own mistakes first

Example of his niece who he employed. He remembered that she was only 19, and at that age he was not nearly as mature.

Use humility and praise. Admit your mistakes.

Principle: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

See also this page on Dale Carnegie

Brian Tracy */

My criticisms are at the end my notes for this set of tapes.

Tape 1

On Beliefs:

Your beliefs, more than anything else, determine your reality. You always think and act in a manner consistent with your innermost convictions.

If you change your beliefs, you change your life.

Henry Ford said, "If you believe you can do something or if you believe you can't, you are right."

Your beliefs filter out all information that is inconsistent with them.

Your beliefs cause you to see yourself in a certain way. -- One of the beliefs that hold people back is that if you don't get good grades in school, you are not going to do well in life, because they told us that over and over again. --

On Self-Esteem:

Each time you succeed at something, it boosts your self-esteem (but you can't tell someone they are great if they have done nothing well- may work for kids for a while, but then they must have real accomplishments. They can't help but see what others are doing, can't help but compare themselves.

Your level of self-esteem is largely determined by how much you believe yourself to be valuable, competent, worthwhile, respected and important. [I would say "feel" is more important. Then he says... ]

Every experience you have that causes you to feel more valuable, raises your self-esteem. [But you can make a lot of money and still not feel valuable]

He believes that "almost all human problems stem from low self-esteem." Fears of failure, fears of poverty, fears of rejection and criticism are all rooted in low self-esteem.

The higher self-esteem you have, the less you fear failure because you realize your failures are not you. Also, the higher your self-esteem, the less concerned you are with rejection because the concerned you are with whether other people like or dislike what you do, and the more willing you are to reach out and try to fulfill your true potential.

On Affirmations:

Start the day by saying "I believe something wonderful is going to happen today." This helps you feel more optimistic, and as a result, people will respond to you in a more positive way.

Visualization: You begin attracting people and circumstances in harmony with your dominant thoughts.

On retraining your mind:

Feed your mind a constant diet of positive books, tapes and people. Avoid negative people. David McClelland (Harvard) found that a negative reference group can outweigh all the positive factors in your life such as education and intelligence.

If you do not consciously keep your suggestive environment positive, it will tend, in our society, to be predominantly negative.

Most of us start out plagued with self-doubt and feelings of inferiority. [But is not quite true- we are just taught to feel inferior very quickly]

It is not enough to say "Believe in yourself," as most motivational speakers say, because most of us start out not believing in ourselves and an admonition from outside doesn't help.

So he suggests not only do you have to change your thoughts, but you have to act the part of a successful person. Then by acting it out, you begin to internalize it. [So it is a two step process: inner (thoughts feelings, beliefs) and outer (actions, appearances)]

Everyone suffers fears of failure and fears of rejection; self-doubt, feelings of inferiority, inadequacy an guilt. Guilt is the great problem of the twentieth century. Feelings of inferiority come from childhood. Fears of failure and rejection goes back to destructive criticism in our early formative years.

Remember that successful people are not people who don't suffer those emotions, they are simply people who have learned to master those emotions through practice.

Tape 2

Why people fail:

Inability to delay gratification. They do what they do what is fun and easy rather than what is hard and necessary; what is tension relieving rather than what is goal achieving.

Staying in our comfort zones.

Bad habits.

He says we want these things in this order- security, comfort, leisure, love, respect, fulfillment.

He says we are all basically lazy. [!]

1. You must be aware of what unsuccessful people do, then not do it. Since the great majority of people are going no where with their lives, you must be very careful to observe these people and then not do what they do. Don't read what they read, don't watch what they watch, don't spend your time the way they spend their time.

2. Form good work habits. Develop self-discipline. Napoleon Hill called self-discipline he master key to riches. 12 year study said successful people are those who make a habit out of doing what others don't like to do. Every act of self-discipline strengthens the habit of self-discipline.

3. Remember the human qualities he lists.

4. We all want the same things, but with different degrees of intensity. Leisure, comfort, security, respect and fulfillment. (He doesn't mention freedom)

People at the higher ends of society demand more fulfillment, more love, more comfort.

5. Expediency vs. delayed gratification - The ability to delay gratification in the short term, in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success. Whenever we think of great men and women we think of those who do what is right and noble rather than what is expedient.

With self-discipline come the feelings of self-esteem, pride, self-confidence and satisfaction that are the great treasures of the human experience.

Your true beliefs are always expressed in your actions. It is not what you say, or what you intend, but what you do that signifies what you really believe.

Human nature characteristics

1. We all value leisure. Thus we are always trying to shorten the time spent on task. We always see an easier way to do something. (He calls this lazy)

2. We try to get the most out of the least. The most output out of the least input. (He calls this greedy)

3. We all want to improve our situation. We are never satisfied. (Ambition)

4. We all seek happiness for ourselves first. Everything we do is for ourselves. He says this is essential for survival. (calls this selfish)

5. We all have incomplete information. (Ignorance)

6. We have all want to think highly of ourselves (vanity)

Tape 3

The importance of purpose & a burning desire. You have to decide exactly what you want.

Example of expensive camera that is no good if you don't focus.

If you have no goals, you are doomed forever to work for people who do.

Your ability to set goals and make plans for their accomplishment is the master skill of success.

Below is my adaptation:

Your self -esteem comes from working on goals which you believe are important. Your goals must be consistent with your values and beliefs.

High-achievers are very clear in what they believe in.

If you know what your values and beliefs are, it is quite easy to make the critical decisions in your life.

If you are not happy in your job get out of it quickly.

Write down your goals as if you have already achieved them: example, I am a prolific writer.

Re-write them every morning.

If you remain very clear and focussed on your goals you will attract people and circumstances that will support you.

Your inner compass for success is triggered by a goal- cybernetics. Once you plant the idea in your mind, your subconscious finds a way to achieve it.

Once you set a goal, everything changes.

He says we have the same mechanism as a homing pigeon, who will circle three times, then head directly for home.

Two rules for success 1) you must pay full price 2) you must pay in advance

the more reasons you have for doing something, the greater your motivation

the surest way to over come self-doubt and lack of confidence is to make daily progress towards your goals.

all great achievers begin to become great when they begin to spend time each day thinking about who they are.

Tape 4- The importance of Excellence

Become really good at one thing. Study showed best way to make second million was to keep doing same things that made fist million $

We each need to know that we are good at something. (For our self-esteem) If we don't believe we are good at anything, we will always have low self-worth and self-esteem.

You can only excel at something if you love doing it. Listen to your intuition to decide what to do.

Spend one hour a day on educating yourself in your chosen field.

Talk to people who have excelled. The most successful people are happy to share their experiences.

Tape 5

Responsibility.

Accepting responsibility is the starting point for success.

If you stop blaming others most of your negative emotions go away.

Successful people accept both the credit and the blame for what happens to them.

You are mentally healthy to the degree you can forgive offenses against you.

Tape 6

Service.

We are always rewarded in life in direct proportion to the value of our service to others.

Tape 7 - Focus

Few activities require greater self-discipline than picking your most important task and sticking to it without diversion or distraction.

When you are working on something that is important to you, the more you work on it, the harder you work and the better you feel. When you complete it [or parts of it] your self-esteem goes up. You don't get much self-esteem from working on unimportant things. [this is why athletes, for example, will never have very high self-esteem; they know on a deep level, if not consciously, that what they are doing is not helping humanity]

All important tasks require tremendous discipline to complete.

Ask: what is the most valuable use of my time right now?

Focus your talents where you can make the greatest difference.

Once you start something, stay with it till it is complete rather than coming back to it many times.

Handle things only once.

List what you want to do the next day so your subconsc. can work on it during the night.

Tape 8

Cooperation- He says your ability to get along with others, more than any other single factor, will determine your success in life.

He says Carnegie Institute of Technology found that 95% of people who were fired from companies were fired because of their inability to work well with other people.

According to psychologists, he says without naming them, you have a healthy personality to the degree that you can get along with other people.

The more you like yourself, the more you will like others and the more they will like you.

If you practice self-discipline and have a clear sense of purpose; if you are good at what you do and accept complete responsibility for yourself; if you strive to serve others (he says "with what they want" but I disagree- what if is unhealthy for them?), and concentrate on your highest payoff activities (but payoff in what sense- monetary or personal fulfillment?) you will tend to be a positive, self-confident individual and have no trouble getting along with other people.

[this is generally true, but I am not sure where "getting along with others" becomes conformity, approval seeking and acceptance of the unacceptable]

On listening- pause before responding. (to give other time to continue and also to let their words soak in); paraphrase; question for clarification- he says the one who asks the questions has the control. He likes questions such as "how do you mean, or how so?" Ask open-ended questions to learn more, but ask closed-ended questions to get commitment. (sounds like a sales technique) I would rather ask how committed do you feel between 0 and 10?

The "law of indirect effort" says you more often get what you want by indirect means. [interesting concept]

For example, you will impress more people if you aren't trying to impress them. He says when we try directly to impress, the result are often humiliating.

He lists his Five A words to improve relationships

Acceptance -accept the other person without judgment. He says the easiest way to do this is by smiling.

Appreciation -

Approval-

Admiration

Agreement - be agreeable

Teamwork- make sure everyone knows the goal & why. He says people will go along way on their own if they know why it is to be done; make sure everyone knows their part; make each person responsible for something; praise in public, criticize in private- give credit to others; take responsibility for problems, share the successes; never criticize, condemn or complain;

Tape 9 - Creativity

Develop and use your inborn creativity.

Each time you do, each time you focus your mind on a problem and solve it, you experience a feeling of excitement, energy and joy.[and a self-esteem boost]

Test show that children between the ages of 2 and 4, 95% of children are highly creative, but by age 7, this drops to just 4%.

He says children are told to stop asking so many questions, and their innate curiosity and creativity is stifled. They are told to conform and most do in order to gain acceptance and approval.

He asks, how easily can you say "I made a mistake, I was wrong, or I have changed my mind."

The more easily you can admit mistakes and change your mind, the less time and energy you will spend protecting and defending the past [and yourself]

Qualities of genius

1. many approaches to solving a problem. 2. ability to concentrate intensely 3. approach problems systematically

Creativity favors the relaxed mind.

The more you laugh when working on a problem, the more likely you will come up with unique ideas and insights.

Stress, anxiety and fear shut down the creative side of the brain.

Try to stay calm, positive and relaxed when solving a problem. Find something positive or funny about it.

Creativity is stimulated by 3 things: 1. Intensely desired goals 2. Pressing problems 3. Focussed questions

Earl Nightengale suggests: Write out your problem in the form of a question. Write out twenty answers.

Ask: what am I trying to achieve, avoid or preserve. [interesting question]

Write down all the facts & details quickly - often the answer will arise.

Tape 10 - Self-Development

The more you work on yourself, the more you like, respect and feel good about yourself.

There is no limit to how far you can go except for the limits you put on yourself.

It is not the will to win, it is the will to prepare to win.

Abraham Lincoln- I will study and prepare myself and someday my chance will come.

Your outer circumstances will correspond with your inner world. (He calls this the law of correspondence)

The law of accumulation says that no honest effort is ever lost.

George Bernard Shaw wrote for over twenty years and sold his first piece after the age of 40.

============

Criticisms: He equates success with being a millionaire. He says humans are basically lazy, selfish, vain, greedy. He labels people as failures, losers. He says successful people do what they know is right whether they feel like it or not. But I say the key is to always make yourself feel like it. In this way you are keeping yourself together; your thoughts feelings actions are consistent. Uses a few religious references, uses "God." Repeats himself a lot. Calls several things the "key to success." ---- For example, on tape 8 he says your ability to get along with others, more than any other single factor, will determine your success in life, but he has already called several other things most important factor! (For example, on tape 3 he says it is your ability to set goals and make plans for their accomplishment; in tape he says the ability to develop and use your inborn creativity will determine your success as much or more than anything else. Elsewhere I think he said it was the ability to focus, the somewhere else it was the ability to delaying gratification.)

He says you can act yourself into feelings of high self-esteem by doing the things that people with high self-esteem do, but I believe this is an exaggeration if not a false statement altogether. --

On Tape 8 he talks about "building a power base." He suggests you do things for others with "no expectation of immediate return" but with the motive they they will owe you something and you can call upon them later in the future for a favor. He gives an example from the movie the Godfather. I question his judgment here. I would say everyone feels better when you do things with no expectation of return ever. Then there is no feeling of indebtedness, manipulation, disappointment or guilt if the you never get the "favor" you thought you were owed. I wouldn't want to do business with someone who thinks like that. I would rather have an even exchange immediately or give things as a gift and leave it as that. For example, in my life, I have just about stopped expecting or even desiring or even thinking about a return for the work I am doing, if it can be called work at all.

He says praise a person's possessions- he says this "raises the other person's self-esteem." I disagree though- this is pseudo-self-esteem, not real self-esteem. It also sounds manipulative.

Bill Riedler From his tape on Understanding Yourself and Others */

(got from stephanie shaw when she moved out.)

The power of being yourself. Release the need to put up a front.

think how free you will feel after learning to relax and be yourself.

story of girl who studied a certain method and they said don't tell people you do xyz therapy. She replied, "Are you kidding? I will put it right at the top of my resume. I don't want to work at a place where they don't let me do xyz therapy."

change and become yourself - (name of his book)

Don't use energy to be someone else.

gain relief from endless task of having to prove yourself or having to disguise who you really are.

Do you really think others are fooled by your act? If anything you are just attracting the wrong kinds of people- who don't want to be with s.o. exactly like you.

story of girl who kicked at the dog. that turned him off. then later she told him she kicked dog to try to impress him.

we have mistakenly concluded we are inadequate. (see criticism)

It helps to change your beliefs and expectations.

ie expect positive outcomes. visualize them.

your earliest memories reflect the meaning you give to life.. ie life is--

women are..

I am life is

....so therefore

(I am sure he got this from somebody else, but he doesn't give them credit- I think it was from Adler)

sense of belonging power and safety

after therapy we remember different events which reflect our new beliefs.

our memories serve to support our beliefs ie we believe st then seek evidence to support it

so identify your beliefs then see if they are helping or hurting you.

tape 2 side b

he says he is not trying to change your beliefs just to get you to reexamine them. He says just be aware of how you feel when you listen. (ie do you feel defensive, threatened.)

it is very secure to think we know what is right and wrong. But all of our judgements are based on assumptions.

Now he is talking about "god" who I will call "ss" for supernatural something. He says we are told that ss is all knowing all powerful and all loving

we think ss is all loving, but feel punished. But how could a being who is all loving stoop so low as to want revenge? [especially over someone so much weaker than it]

if he is all powerful does he really need anything from any of us, if all loving, wouldn't he practice unconditional love

all knowing he wouldn't need us to pray bc he would always know what we need.

if he is all powerful then there can't possibly be a competitor who would be able to take control of st which all loving loved.

he says follow the example and love yourself, don't judge self.

don't feel guilty about your choices because apo - all powerful one- would be able to stop anything he didn't approve of, thus he must approve of your choices as you make them.

even if you believe in free will you can believe that apo would be able to inspire you to make the right choice!

so if you are feeling guilty you are insulting apo or you don't really believe that ss is ap ak and al

tells story about "killing" his dad - he didn't check on his elderly father for a few days because he was mad at him. During this time, the father died. But Riedler says he doesn't feel guilty for it, it was ss's will, or slt.

Somewhere he says:

we think one thing, say another, feel another, do another so we are not living in integrity - ie we are fragmented.

tape 3 side a

The power of burning desire

talking about selling out as kids to earn approval. also lets us off hook for living up to our potential- ie removes us of responsibility to be ourselves.

world misses out on our unique gifts

take resp for decisions - ex of boss and po's

guy made 10k mistake, wanted to resign before getting fired. boss said "what! I just spent ten thousand $$ training you and now you want to quit?"

---

make 3 decisions before you are sure.

do other people empower and encourage you, or discourage and hold you back?

how do you learn to inspire or at least emotionally support s.o.?

[I don't know because I never learned it]

very pushy - calls it being helpful.

people don't live their beliefs. **

Example of buying car - "How do you like the new car? Oh it was great for a while. Then one day it just stopped working."

Point: You have to maintain things.

Follow up courses:

1. become an assistant 2. tags- together again graduate sessions - once per month with new people and old

singles program, couples program, business program. kids camp + a few others I didn't include! [he has really built a huge business]

has kids totally responsible for food preparation. they must reach consensus. anyone can veto.

+ sunday night parties.

many groups have formed weds morning breakfast meetings.

Decision making - make faster decisions - make some without being sure. help others to make good decisions.

you will always have problems & often they are not at all what you thought hey would be when you were hesitating to make the decision, so you might as well do what you most want to do.

brain gets cluttered with unmade decisions, and unresolved feelings

if we waited till we were certain, we would never do anything. life requires us to act without certainty.

Tape 5

Side A

Interest in self vs. others

reasons or results

become more interested in others

guy was so negative that when he came in a room people would say "who just left?"

in self out to others

protect/defensive learning proving self interest in others good intentions being responsible for results i'll try you can count on me life is hard adventure fear of commitment inspired by commitment judging/dividing creating unity/ common goal

In learning mode: ask questions, express feelings easily; will state desires and ask for help.

failure - just means you need to learn more.

"no matter how much I do it is never enough" unappreciated, defeated, discouraged, resentful.

what other people think about me is none of my business. [unless these people are important to me]

childlike curiosity when life is adventure. You have more projects to work on than you could ever do.

relationships are a tool to assist you in your personal growth.

Side B

5 principles

1. No one does anything they don't want to do. 2. Everything we do is to reach a goal. 3. We may not always be conscious of the goal. 4. You can tell what your subconscious intentions are by your results. 5. You can't judge yourself and still get total self-awareness.

Rudulph Driekurs story

Example of lady who sighed when Dreikurs was going to talk to her. RD said: You sighed to try to intimidate us so we won't make too many demands on you. You feel inadequate, defensive. Your parents expected too much of you. Perhaps to always be perfect. So now you push yourself so hard to be perfect in everything. To always be right. Maybe you are afraid we will ask questions which suggest you aren't living your life in the right way. You must be very tired and stressed from trying so hard. You hold high standards to try to establish your superiority. That is why so many people get upset with you. They don't feel helped by you. They feel used because they perceive you are using them to elevate yourself. I know you don't mean to do this. You do it because as a little girl your parents tried to motivate you by pointing out all the things you were doing wrong in their eyes. And I bet you began to believe that something was wrong with you, didn't you?

On some level you still feel inadequate. That is why you work so hard to be right. You try to act superior to hide your feelings of inferiority. You don't need to hide anymore. You can let go of that now.

Would you like to know what you can do to get some relief from all those demands put on you by yourself and others?

Lady was in tears by now, he says.

When you are feeling overwhelmed, you must speak out, tell people you feel overwhelmed and ask if they will stop putting so many demands on you.

The reason you don't speak up is bc if you do, you fear you will lose your illusion of superiority. And that ppl will see that you are not as strong as you try to appear, or that you are as inadequate as you believe you are deep down inside.

You intimidate your children. So they learn not to speak up about their own feelings. This will cause them unnecessary hardships when they grow up, especially when they get married.

It is okay to ask your children for help. You will help them feel needed and believe they can be a contributor to society.

Guilt alone does not prevent reoccurrence. Only acceptance + learning does. (sph elab.)

Tape 6 Side A

What controls your income? They haven't found ways to be valuable to the community. And/or they are not determined to get paid for it.

Leverage your ability to be more valuable. How could I be more valuable to more people?

** He says we underestimate our own ability to be valuable and to make a contribution.

If you had just the slightest idea of how important you are, you would no longer hesitate to offer your contribution to the world. (sph adaptation)

Set your goal on achieving what you desire rather than avoiding what you fear.

You will have problems either way, so you might as well solve them in the process of reaching a positive goal.

Train your mind to be independent of external circumstances.

Find ways to enjoy your adversities.

Find something to appreciate.

Criticisms:

Like many of these guys Riedler was a good reader; was good at taking other people's concepts but isn't good at giving them credit. He isn't particulary smart and seems to appeal to people who were seriously abused and who have exceptionally low self-esteem.

Also like many others, he has built up a large organization with lots of classes, workshops, tapes, volunteers helping him etc. It is seems to me to be a bit cultish. He is perhaps exploiting these people's addictive, dependent personalities.

Also, he evidently doesn't believe in cause effect. He says it is not how your parents treated you- it is how you just "happen" to interpret the meaning of whatever it was that occurred.- This is "great news", he exclaims, because "we do not have to waste any time blaming anyone for anything that happened in the past."

"It is not how your parents treated you that has influenced the development of your self-concept." Yeah, right - what is the point of that bullshit? So people won't have to face it? To keep them mystified, confused? To pander to all those who are parents that come to his classes (or that he wants to come to his classes)? To keep people in a subordinate position by not giving them the truth? Somehow this keeps them in the victimized role, since they can't confront their abuser, either directly or in their own minds.

Or is it because Riedler wants to have a good, though fake, relationship with his own parents, who no doubt abused him quite seriously. Or so he won't have to face the fact that he was abused himself? Or did he just hear this from s.o. else and decide he would buy into it because it sounded good at the time and he was gullible?

In a condescending tone he says "You don't need to change a thing. You are just fiiine. Exactly the way you are. You have your short comings for a reason- you are already perfect."

Notes from Zig Ziglar: */

Title is something about developing a positive self-image.

For salespeople: Don't take rejection personally. The person who rejects you probably would have rejected anyone else in the same position and their decision had nothing to do with you.

When people are ugly and hurtful to you it is because they are hurting themselves.

If we can understand these things it helps us deal with the other person and with ourselves.

If we recognize the manifestations of poor self-image we can deal with it in ourselves and others.

20 some steps to "dramatically" change your self-image.

1. You are the only one who can use your ability.

No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. (From Elanor Roosevelt)

2. Take an inventory of what you have.

3. Make up, dressup, and go up. [yuck- but there is truth in it.] On school picture day behavior is better [But how long would that last? Does wearing a tie and tucking your shirt in every day (like they are forced to do in Australia, NZ) influence kids behavior?]

4. Read success stories & Listen to successful people.

5. Take short steps

6. Smile & give healthy handshake

7. Finish what you start - His mother said,"When a task is once begun, you leave it not until its done. And be a matter great or small you do it well or not at all." [Black and white thinking] One sign of a poor self-image is not completing things.

8. Do something for someone else who can do nothing in return. No one is useless in the world who lightens another person's burden.

9. Quit smoking, drinking, eating junk food, Break your destructive habbits [but this is behavior only- doesn't address causes]

10. Learn from your enemies. Don't get even with them, get ahead of them.

11. Choose your friends carefully

12. Make a list of your positive qualities.

13. Make a list of your past successes

14. Learn to love to read.

15. Get in shape.

16. Learn some manners

17. Use your imagination.

18. Pick out some positive role models. Focus

19. Avoid reading pornography & horoscopes; watching soap operas. Ask yourself: will reading this or watching this lift me up or put me down? Will it contribute to my well being?

20. Learn from successful failures. Learn about people who were told they couldn't do so and so, then did it.

21. Take a course in public speaking.

22. If you need help, get it. Counseling etc.

23. Look people in the eye.

24. Alter your physical appearance if needed.

Nurturing something means making it grow. [Helping it grow is better verb]