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Dec 2014 Personal Note from Steve
I have been feeling very resentful towards my partner, Priscilla. If I were to follow the advice on this page I would be feeling a lot better... I am still learning. But looking back on some of the things on this page reminds me of the wisdom here. I am not sure how I "forgot" these things. Maybe because I wasn't in enough pain to remember them. Or maybe because my early brain connections were so strong. So I am trying to make new, healthier connections. I really value my relationship with Priscilla. And I value her life. And I want to help her, not hurt her. So... yeah...
SPH Dec 30, 2014
American sarcasm and resentment - Editorial
A page from Coping.org on resentment
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Copies of my AR3 principle on the net.
1. Nature's purpose for resentment
In certain languages, Spanish and French for example, sentir means to feel, so re-sentir, or resent, means literally to feel again. Nature evidently has a purpose for us "re-feeling" something. We may assume that nature wants us to continue feeling something or to feel it again so something positive will be gained. The purpose of resentment might be so we can:
(See Managing Resentment for more detail on the possible positive outcomes of resentment)
2. Resentment as a secondary emotion
Resentment seems to be a secondary emotion. By this I mean we usually feel a more primary feeling first. A person could feel resentful for many reasons, just like a person could feel angry for many reasons.
Here are some examples.
But can resentment also be instantaneous? If a person insults you, you might say "I resent that comment." This is another way of saying you don't appreciate it. To say "I resent that" seems to me to be a more intense and threatening statement than saying "I feel insulted." One could also say, "I feel resentment when you say that," but not many people talk like that so you will sound very strange if you say that. Even if you say, "I feel insulted you will sound strange, since so few people express their feelings directly with feeling words.
In any case, it seems helpful to identify the more primary feelings which lead to resentment, just as it is helpful to identify the more primary feelings which lead to anger. It is more helpful, for instance, to tell someone I feel ignored than to say I feel resentful towards you or angry at you. It is more helpful for these two reasons:
Because so many people have experienced so many negative emotions such as feeling afraid, insecure, controlled, pressured, teased, laughed at, judged, rejected there are a lot of people who feel resentful, afraid and insecure. When these people come in contact with each other it is easy for emotions to become intensified. That is one reason it is so important to understand emotions. With more understanding people can learn less threatening and less hurtful ways of saying things.
Another note about resentment is that it is probably just before hatred on the love-hate continuum.
A simplified version of this is:
If we like what someone did, we feel appreciation. If we really really appreciate it, we may feel love for them. If we don't like what they did, we may feel resentment. If we really, really don't like it, we may feel hatred.
I'd say that we have an imbalance of resentment and hatred in the world. If so, this would imply we all could benefit from trying to create feelings of appreciation and love.
Note: Thinking of all of this led me to think that part of a test of emotional understanding is understanding which words and statements evoke which feelings and their intensity, and which others express which feelings and their intensity. For example, could a test question be:
Few Causes of Resentment
It seems there are fairly universal cause of resentment. Most of us are likely to feel resentful when:
One of my most valuable insights, which I call the AR3 principle, is: Accepting Responsibility Releases Resentment
Sometimes when I find myself feeling resentful, or bitter, which is often a more intense indication of resentment, I remind myself of this. I then begin to search for ways in which I was responsible for contributing to the development of the situation. It has been extraordinarily helpful in avoiding placing "blame" on other people and on focussing my attention on my own areas for improvement, growth and learning.
One useful way for me to reduce my resentment is to focus on how I contributed to the situation and what I could have done to prevent it. In other words, to take responsibility. I learned this after one particularly painful relationship.
I don't believe in "magic," but the word magical comes to mind. The power of these words, when applied, is indeed seemingly supernatural. Yet, nature has evolved certain truths, certain relationships in her complex web of life. These truths when discovered, seem like magic at first only because so few people have discovered them for themselves.
Another AR3 principle I developed is Accepting Reality Releases Resentment. This principle seems to help when there is very little we have done to contribute to a situation and there is very little we can do about it.
Something else I have found helpful is to take either learn something from what has happened or to take some constructive action.
Here is an excerpt from an article about David Caruso and his resentment towards me for writing about him.
|Trying to find or envision something positive
I am thinking about the situation with Jerren I had in Peru. To give a summary, he came down to help me work with the teenagers. Or that was the basic idea anyhow. We both had various needs we were trying to fill. Anyhow, after about three months I decided I needed time away from him. He and I were both feeling resentful at the end of our time together. I have been trying to figure out ways to help myself work through the resentment on my end. One thing I felt resentful about was the possibility that him coming to Peru helped contribute to my losing my partner Laura and to her getting pregnant by a person who is very unlikely to be a good father or good partner for Laura, which means she will be a single mother with no means of economic support at this point.
|See also this list of Idiomatic (and often potty-mouth) Ways of Expressing Resentment (which obviously don't identify the underlying emotions)|
|Resentment In Society
Just a note - I talked to a Chinese man fishing in Penang, Malaysia. He was obviously resentful about discrimination against Chinese. How much resentment can a society take before there is an explosion/ revolution etc? It would be helpful to have a measurement of resentment.
|Resentment Outlasts Appreciation
It seems true that resentment outlasts appreciation. In other words, we feel resentful from a negative feeling longer than we feel appreciative of a positive feeling. For example if someone hurts us we remember and feel the pain longer than if they help us. This is probably a function of our survival instinct to help us remember to avoid threats to our safety and health.
|Measuring Resentment In A
We need a way of measuring resentment in group, society, culture or country. For example, I am convinced there is so much resentment in America that there will be some kind of explosion. There is too much control and not enough caring. If we were measuring resentment and tracking it we could predict and possibly prevent a lot of killing, etc.
Feelings predict behavior.
Measure actual feelings rather than trying to change them and change behavior.