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Jen 15 as of Aug 2006
Jen is one of the most intelligent, caring, sensitive teens I have ever met. She is also one of the most self-destructive. The first time I chatted with Jen she told me she had been searching "desperately" for someone on the net to talk to. She had been keeping so much inside for so long that our first chat lasted four hours. She only left because she was afraid her mother would "kill her" if she caught her on the computer so late at night. I can't do much to help Jen. She is convinced she is worthless and everything bad that happens is somehow her fault. She can forgive others, but not herself. She prosecutes herself harshly, but defends others. She tries to help people as much as anyone I know, yet is called selfish by her mother and so now she believes this and calls herself selfish when she thinks about or talks about her own needs and feelings. The first lines of our first chat More notes from our first chat Here are two links to things I have written on my site about Jen. |
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Aug 12 Chat excerpts
Feb 9, 2006- Jen's parents take her laptop
May 16 - Jen's parents are banning her from the computer.
May 11, 2005- Added notes about school from past chats
The first lines of our first chat (April 18)
Her sign in name was: "Most people walk in and out of your life. But only friends leave footprints in your heart"
Jen says:
erm.......hi
steve says:
i know u
steve says:
u wrote me two emails right
Jen says:
erm....yer.....sorry
steve says:
but i forget ur name
Jen says:
.........jen
steve says:
ok hi jen
steve says:
how r u feeling today
Jen says:
erm........i dunno.....i feel shaky and i wanna cut really
badly.....
Jen says:
i'm worried bout skl 2moro.....first day bak......i always get
down
More notes from our first chat
When I asked her to look at my page on invalidation...
Jen says:
wow................shit i cant stop cryin...wat is rong wiv
me...................da thing is like ur readin my mind or
sumthin, and u know my feelings
--
steve says:
i like u jen
jen says:
i've neva herd n e one say dat 2 me.........u sure u mean it?
think about it
--
steve says:
i really like u jen
steve says:
ur so open
steve says:
so honest with ur feelings to me
Jen says:
*cryin yet agen*.........i dunno y i am......i neva told n e one
n e of dis.....i dunno mayb i'll regret it...mayb not
--
steve says:
ok well back to what u do to hurt urself...
steve says:
what all do u do
jen says:
.......................................
jen says:
erm..............ok.........................this takes so much
more trust.........................ok.......
jen says:
erm.........i cut myself on my stomach, my arm, my wrists, my
hand, my leg........i punch a hard wall until my knuckles r
swollen..........cut the circulation of my hands......strangle
myself till i get so frightened..........drop a compass onto my
arm and wrist from a hight........eat my knuckles until they
bleed.........bang my head on a wall......i think dats all of dem
steve says:
how r u feeling today
Jen says:
erm........i dunno.....i feel shaky and i wanna cut really
badly.....
Jen says:
i'm worried bout skl 2moro.....first day bak......i always get
down
later...
steve says:
tell me more how u feel about going back to school
Jen says:
like terrible......i wanna cry......i know i'll cry......and i
know i'll cut
steve says:
tell me again what u r most scared of about tomorrow
Jen says:
going in.......seein all da ppl dat ignore me (basically all of
dem).......doin sport in front of all the amazin ppl wiv dem
whisperin how rubbish i am.........seein my house mistress
agen.....she keeps pressurin me 2 do things and tell her things i
don't wanna tell her
steve says:
like what does she pressure u to do?
Jen says:
well wen sum1 told her dat i harm she found me in da house and
told me to cum to her office.......she made me tell her loadsa
things....den she threatened to fone mum if i didn't show her
where i had cut
Also...
I asked her to name some feelings that she has at school. Without hesitation she wrote:
like well i always feel alone, unimportant, stupid, selfish, wimpy, insignificant and fukin scared the whole fukin time at skl...
-
under construction....
steve says:
jen, tell me one thing good about urself
jen says:
erm................
jen says:
i don't.......i can't think of n e
steve says:
lol
steve says:
thats a bit of a problem wouldnt u say
jen says:
hmmmm.....y?
steve says:
ok we r going to do a little work now
steve says:
here is ur assignment
jen says:
ok
steve says:
u take this sentence and answer it as many times as u can
jen says:
o god
steve says:
My mother gives me a view of myself as.....
steve says:
just abbreviate mmgmavomsa
jen says:
o steve u can't ask me to answer dat.......
steve says:
go on
jen says:
steve...............not my mum............she's real nice
steve says:
give it a try...
jen says:
i can't do ppl steve..........i can do me dats it
steve says:
lol
steve says:
but i want to see how u answer it.. what view of ur self she
gives u..
jen says:
but.................but...................
steve says:
ok do ur dad then
jen says:
aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
jen says:
fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkkkkkkk
steve says:
lol
jen says:
tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssss
steve says:
lol
jen says:
fffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnn
jen says:
lllllllllllllllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiffffffffffffffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
jen says:
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooffffffffffffffffffffffffff
jen says:
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeee
steve says:
ok r u done now..? now can we do the work?
steve says:
lol
jen says:
arrrrrrrgggggg
steve says:
try it
steve says:
mmgmavomsa
jen says:
but steve.....what if i can't
steve says:
just go on
jen says:
now?
steve says:
whatever comes to mind
steve says:
yeah now
jen says:
erm..................
jen says:
well.....erm....
then she told me a few things....
jen says:
erm................
jen says:
afraid to hurt sum1
steve says:
k what else
jen says:
i don't like numberin my feelings....
steve says:
oh
steve says:
how come
jen says:
i duno...coz i neva know wat i am feelin......i neva do ne mor
jen says:
i am embarrased, ashamed and afraid to tlk bout my feeling...
jen says:
and one dat ain't on dere is that i duno wat my feelins r half
the time
jen says:
and i don't like the outcomes of tellin sum1 mmy feelins.....ivee
been ther...had dat dun......
in the convo with ana from houston she said "hug to every1" and then later when ana was saying she needed a friend jen said "awwww. ill be ur m8. u want me to add u to my msn?"
May 16 - Today I got this email from Brooke
Jen's parents are banning her from the computer. rar. just thought I would pass the message along. this totally sucks. rar.
This is typical of parents whose teens are suicidal. As I said before, if Jen kills herself, no one should be surprised. The computer was her only source of emotional support. I am afraid Jen will end up in the mental hospital for having tried to kill herself. Let's hope that is where she finds herself, and not in a coffin.
Feb 9, 2006
A few months ago, Jen got a laptop and got limited Internet access again. She has been helping me with the other self-harming teens who are being damaged in their emotionally dysfunctional homes and schools. Tonight I wrote the following.....
A few days ago I got an email from Jen saying her father had smashed her wireless router which used to give her access to the Internet from her laptop in her bedroom. She said her mother had come in her room at 1 am and took her laptop and mobile phone. Then her mother started reading the text messages in her mobile.
In my experience over the last 5 years this is very typical behavior of parents of suicidal teens.
This case is a bit different though because in the past the parents would use the excuse that they were protecting their daughters from me and trying to make a case that I am a dangerous pedophile, an “Internet predator” etc.
But Jen and I have hardly been talking lately. And when we do talk it is mostly about helping other teens. In five years, Jen has been the most helpful to me of all the teens I’ve ever met. I have been sending her the emails of new people who have been writing to me asking to be included in our suicidal teen chat support group. Throughout the month of January when I was busy with Laura and not on the net, Jen was faithfully helping me out. She would contact the new people, chat with them and introduce them to others.
She spent hours and hours and hours trying to help other teens who are self-harming. She understands what they are going through. She is just 14 years old by the way.
Not many people think a 14 year old can do much in the world. But I know differently. Jen is a rare person. I feel bad for not telling more of her story. I have tried to protect her identity a little, but I think her parents know by now that she has been talking to me and I have been writing about her. I am not 100% sure though so I will for the time being continue to protect her identity as best I can while trying to report the truth about what is happening.
It’s four AM now and I’m tired. So I will post this much before I get too sleepy to do it. I want people, whoever really cares, enough to take this all seriously, to know what is happening to people like Jen and Ocean.
S. Hein
Jujuy, Argentina
Feb. 9, 2006