Convo excerpts Aug 11, 2006

Here is an example of how Jen has been taught to talk to herself and think of herself.  And ,later in the convo we see how she believes other teens have abusive parents but she doesn’t.. Changing Jen’s self-destructive beliefs will be the hardest  step in her recovery process.  And it is step no one in her community seems to have started to help her with. Unfortunately quite the opposite is probably happening and will continue to happen as long as Jen keeps living in the same house, spending time with the same relatives, going to the same school, living in the same community.  There is little anyone can do at this point, especially while she is still legally controlled by her parents, other than merely try to keep her from killing herself.

Jen dice:

why wont someone just kill me steve!?! Y WONT THEY FUCKIGN JUST DO IT AND SAVE EVRY1 FROM ME

steve dice:

what r u talking about

Jen dice:

i cant do a fucking thing without upsetting someone

Jen dice:

now i've gone and upset crystal

Jen dice:

no one fuckign wants to tlk to me

steve dice:

what happened?

Jen dice:

the thing wiv xxx is comign up agen

Jen dice:

and i cant do n e thing rit

Jen dice:

i dont wnana b here.. i cant cope..

Jen dice:

i hate me .. fucking idiotic URGH

steve dice:

go on hun im listening

Jen dice:

..fuck.. im sorry

Jen dice:

..i shud b bottling this.. y cant i bottle it!?!?!? y isnt it working!????????

steve dice:

u can let it out with me hun

Jen dice:

i dont wanna cry i dont wanna b like this

Jen dice:

y cant i b normal

Jen dice:

y do i hurt ppl?

Jen dice:

y do i do it.........

steve dice:

what happened with crystal

Jen dice:

..i jst.. i.. i jst.. i kept.. i .. AAAAAARGHHHH

steve dice:

hug

steve dice:

what hun

steve dice:

u just what?

Jen dice:

i cudnt keep my fucking mouth closed!!!!!!!!!

Jen dice:

.... she's talking to me again.. y is she being kind????!?!?! y doesnt she hate me? y dont ery1 hate me>???

Jen dice:

i just make her feel bad

Jen dice:

i fuck ppls lives up steve

Jen dice:

y am i set loose onall these ppl tht need help

Jen dice:

all i do is fukc them up

Jen dice:

i fuck up my friends here

Jen dice:

i cant even b relied on not to fuck up MY OWN FAMILY

steve dice:

hug

Jen dice:

wat do i have to show for my life? arms full of scars.a suicidal mother.. friends around my influenced by me.. smoking and harming..

Jen dice:

...it makes me sick..... i make me sick......

Jen dice:

....im scared to tell steve (uk) n e of this.......

Jen dice:

...tht is hardly ever the case.......

steve dice:

hug

steve dice:

u can tell me hun its ok

steve dice:

takes my mindoff oceans father

Jen dice:

see im even selfish rite now!!!!!

Jen dice:

u know wat i did last nite?...

Jen dice:

.. i cudnt cope then either... but i drank.. (alcohol) n i smoked...

Jen dice:

..no normal person sees that as a way to stop xploding at ppl..

steve dice:

hug

steve dice:

keepgoing hun

Jen dice:

...i havent cried.. i wont cry. i wont cry for at least 2 weeks.. that takes me past wen me n  xx.... will happen..

Jen dice:

....the thing tht im not allowed to talk about

Jen dice:

and i wont

steve dice:

u can with me if u want

Jen dice:

.. i cant. i agreed to it.. he;s asked me countless numbers of times if im ok with it.. and i've said yes

Jen dice:

and thts it.. i'v screwed my life over .. but i agreed to doing it

Jen dice:

wat kind of a fuck up does that make me!?!

Jen dice:

one that my mother was rite about

Jen dice:

i just LIKE to go through shit

Jen dice:

i think it's fuckign fantastic!!!!

Jen dice:

. love it love it love it.. why dont i go trhow myself off a fuckign cliff ans really go through shit

Jen dice:

i'd like that to im sure

steve dice:

whats been going on at home

Jen dice:

..the usual...mum n dad workin mostly....mum keeps hugging me..... i push her away... im sick......

steve dice:

ocean didnt want her idiot fatherto hug her either,uve both got reasons. butshes at least moreaware ofthem anddoesnt think shes sick for not wanting him to touch her.

Jen dice:

...bt i hav no reasons...apart frm me nt being able 2 4giv

steve dice:

forgive for what

Jen dice:

her takin away my laptop..internet.. mobile..readin txts.. spreading me harming n me tlkin to ppl online round all my family.. gettin my cuz to tlk with me n try to stop me frm tlkin to ppl online

steve dice:

u think u "should" forgive her for all that?

Jen dice:

normal ppl do......

Jen dice:

..i cnt let go ...

steve dice:

normal ppls moms dont do that stuff hun

Jen dice:

..its jst... they'r such little things..... all the ppl online hav abusive parents...... mine arent.. it's jst me who does shit to them.... fucks them up.... ..my nan and aunt told me once... before i came along.. my mum was so happy..... the mum i c now.. was completely different to wat she was like b4 she had me..............

steve dice:

then why doesn’t she let u leave?

Jen dice:

...cuz im her blood... she cares about me.......

Jen dice:

...thts wat she tells me.. wen she does lil things...

Jen dice:

...in a way i love her....... jst.... i cnt seem to stand her.. n it hurts me to think that i dont love my mother as much as other kids love theirs...... i feel so guilty...... u cudnt get a worse child.......