| Monique, I am going to write to you pretty much
like I write to everyone and like I write in my site.
I’m not very good with big words and nice sounding
expressions. It has been a long time since I had to write
things to try to impress my professors and get what are
commonly called “good” grades.
I have so many things going through my mind that it is
hard to know where to start. I apologize in advance for
the way this letter is mostly going to be disorganized by
traditional standards. I will probably jump around from
one thing to another. Well, anyhow, let’s start with
some assumptions.
One of my assumptions... well, wait, let me back up.
I don’t know you very well. I hardly know you at
all. So I am going to have to make some assumptions. Or
let me say that another way. I don’t “have
to” make some assumptions, but it helps me think
things through if I start with some assumptions. By the
way, have you ever read what I wrote about freedom in the
article called Freedom of Choice?
In that article I talked about the expression “have
to”. I wrote that the only thing we have to do in
life is die. Everything else is a choice.
This leads me to the idea of how I assume you want me to
feel. I assume you want me to feel afraid of you, of the
judge and of the laws and the police in the United
States. Maybe you also want me to feel afraid of the
police in Peru. Do you?
I would really like to know how you want me to feel. I
have an idea of how you want me to behave, but I
don’t have much of an idea of how you want me to
feel. And I am not at all certain that you have thought
about how you want me to feel. Well, I guess you probably
have thought about it far enough to know that you want me
to feel afraid. But what else? Do you want me to feel
respected by you?
Let’s talk about respect for a while. Or let me say,
let me talk about respect for a while. And let’s
talk about the legal system. Sorry, I said
“let’s” when I don’t know if you want
to talk about these things. I can’t force you to
talk about things you don’t want to talk about. Not
at this point anyhow. I say that because the thought has
crossed my mind someday to give you a deposition and ask
you a few questions. But realistically speaking, I
don’t think it is very likely that that will happen.
I am not sure how much you know about my feelings towards
the legal system and lawyers. Basically, I will just say
that I would prefer not to talk to lawyers much and not
to spend much time in court rooms if I could easily avoid
it. Now I want to share something with you and everyone
else who is going to read this letter. I had written
something else just now, but I felt too afraid that you
and maybe the judge would feel defensive by what I said,
so I erased it and wrote something else.
I don’t like to have to change my words when I
write. I like the freedom of just writing whatever comes
to mind. So I feel a little resentment that already I
feel forced to change what I want to say.
I don’t like to feel forced to do things. I am not
sure how you feel about it. I feel forced because I feel
afraid of you and the judge.
I really would like to know if you want me to feel afraid
of you. In some ways I would like you to feel afraid of
me and I will admit it and I will explain.
For example, I was talking to Laura this morning while we
were laying in bed. I was telling her that if you
can’t be respected by someone it is better to be
feared by them than nothing at all.
I said this because I was thinking about parents. Parents
of suicidal teenagers. I don’t think there is much
chance they will ever have much respect for me. So the
next best thing is fear I guess. I want them to be afraid
of me writing about them.
Maybe this seems strange to read. Not many people speak
about feelings and fear as directly as I do. And maybe I
am completely crazy and maybe you believe I need to be
locked up. But for the time being I still am free to
write what I think and what I feel.
So anyhow, I was saying that I want parents like your
clients to feel somewhat afraid of me. I want them to
know that I will write about them if they emotionally
abuse the young people that they have legal power over. I
want them to think about the fact that when the young
people reach the age of 18 I will be able to write the
truth and they won’t be able to stop me. I want them
to think about seeing their names and conversations of my
chats with the young people who are legally forced to
live with them. I want them to think about their
neighbors and work colleagues reading what the young
people have said about them. I want them to think about
other people reading what I have to say about them.
I would prefer that they respect me and that they
communicate their feelings and beliefs directly with me,
but I have found that there are parents like your clients
who refuse to talk to me and who would rather try to stop
me from writing about them through using the power of the
legal system.
The legal system. Or sometimes called the justice system.
Do you know that in my writing I call it the punishment
system?
I believe that the entire system is based on fear. The
fear of what we call “punishment.”
I’d like to know your ideas, your beliefs about the
legal system. I’d like to talk philosophically a
little with you.
But I’m not sure if you are interested in doing
that.
I am not sure what you are interested in at all actually.
This leads me back to the question of assumptions.
One of my assumptions about lawyers in general is that
many of them are interested in money.
Let’s stop there for a minute. Sorry I said
“let’s” again. By the way, I am not being
a smart ass when I say “sorry”. I really
don’t want to keep saying it. It is just habit.
Anyhow, I will write about money for a minute or so.
After I read your first letter to me I wondered what your
motivations are. What motivated you to accept the Ocean
case in other words. I was wondering, well I will back
up...
I am assuming that Ocean’s parents came to you and
asked you to do something to try to stop me from writing
about them on my website and to stop me from writing to
Ocean.
By the way, I am not sure how you feel about me using
Ocean’s name in my letters to you or how you feel
about me posting copies of my letters to you, or how you
feel about me posting copies of the letters you have sent
me. And I don’t know if it is legal or illegal to
put your name on my website.
So let me ask you directly how you feel about me putting
your name on my site. And I would also like to ask you if
it is illegal for me to write on my site that I got an
email from you, and if it is illegal to put your email
and phone number on my site. And also I would like to ask
you feel about me putting your phone number and email on
my site.
Let me explain why I am thinking about doing those
things.
One of my assumptions is that you are at least a little
worried about your image. I am not sure how you really
feel about this case. I doubt you will tell me but
I’d like to ask you anyhow.
For example, do you feel proud of what you are doing?
Do you want other lawyers to know what you are doing?
Do you really believe that you are “protecting”
Ocean?
I’d like to ask you a lot of questions really. I
guess I will ask a few more of them.
For example, I’d like to ask you if you have even
met Ocean.
I’d like to ask you if you believe Ocean’s
feelings are important, or even relevant.
I’d like to ask you if you think it is fair to say
that Ocean is an intelligent person.
I’d like to ask you if you believe she is lying when
she says she is terrified of her parents.
I’d also like to ask you to tell me what parts of
this letter you would prefer that I not put on my site.
And I’d like to ask you how the judge feels. And how
strongly he feels and why he feels the way he does.
I’d like to know if he feels afraid that if Ocean
came to Peru next month, for example, that I would rape
her or kill her or brainwash her with my ideas or what.
If it is my ideas he is afraid of, I'd like to know which
ones in particular and why.
Again, I’m not trying to be a smart ass. I really
would like to know what the judge thinks and what he is
afraid of or worried about or what his concerns are.
I honestly don’t think I have done anything which
has hurt Ocean and I don’t think it would hurt Ocean
to be away from her parents and living here in Peru.
I would really like to know what you and the judge and
even Ocean’s parents are worried about.
By the way, in your first letter you said something about
my “inappropriate communication” with Ocean.
And also, before I forget, I really don’t want to do
anything illegal so if me writing “Ocean” on
here is a violation of the judge’s order or even if
he would rather I not use the name Ocean, then just let
me know and I can refer to her like you did. I think you
said something like your clients’s “minor
child”. To me this makes her sound like she is about
6 years old instead of the 17 which she is, but
that’s just my opinion.
So back to the word “inappropriate.”
First, is there a difference between inappropriate and
illegal?
I ask this because so far you haven’t told me that I
have done anything illegal in talking to Ocean.
We all know that I have told Ocean I love her. Is this
illegal? Or is it what you would call
“inappropriate?”
I would really like to know what parts, specifically, of
my chats with Ocean you believe are
“inappropriate.” And I would also like to know
what parts are illegal according to the laws in the state
of Washington.
My second question about the word
“inappropriate” is could you please define the
word for me and tell me how a person knows what is
appropriate and what is inappropriate? Could you also
tell me if you think a person should make their decisions
according to what other people think is
“appropriate” or according to what their heart
and conscience tell them? And could you also tell me if
you think that what is commonly thought of as
“appropriate” in one culture or one country
should be imposed on other cultures or countries
according to which group has the most physical power? Or
let me even ask if you think that one group of people
should impose their beliefs about what is
“appropriate” one or two individuals. And I
would also like you to tell me what you think about the
relationship between a) freedom and b) the forced
imposition of beliefs about something like what is
“appropriate” and what is
“inappropriate”.
I would also like you to tell me if you think there
should be a good explanation for forcing someone to do
something, or if you think a law is a good enough reason
in itself and no further explanation is needed.
But at any rate, I don’t want to violate the laws.
It’s not worth the troubles. I can write what I want
to write in other ways and say what I want to say in
other ways and continue to try to help suicidal teens in
other ways.
So this leads me to something else.
I would like to ask you if you really want to help Ocean.
I am making the assumption that you are more interested
in getting money from Ocean’s parents than you are
in helping Ocean, but if I am wrong, please correct me.
I am making the assumption that Ocean’s parents are
paying you. But maybe you have taken this case “pro
bono” as you in the legal profession say. In other
words, maybe you are not charging Ocean’s parents.
I’d like to know if you are charging them for your
services and if so, how much you charge hour. I’d
also like to know how much you have charged them to date.
I don’t suppose you want to tell me this if you are
charging them, but I still would like to know. It is one
of the questions I would ask you if I were giving you a
deposition, or whatever it is called.
By the way, for those who don’t know what I am
talking about, this is where someone sits at a table with
their lawyer and answers a lot of questions from the
other lawyer. It is all tape recorded and then typed up
so the judge can read it later if he or she wants to or
needs to. I learned about this when I went through my
divorce with Galina. She was from Russia by the way, an
interesting coincidence. She also learned to threaten
people to try to get what she wanted.
But anyhow, for now I will obey the judge’s orders,
but I don’t agree with them.
I don’t see how taking the Ocean page down is going
to help Ocean. I don’t see how not telling
Ocean’s therapist what Ocean told me about her
parents is helping Ocean, I don’t see how not
telling other teenagers about Ocean is helping Ocean.
Could you please explain all of this to me?
If you don’t take the time to explain how what you
are doing is helping Ocean, then I will be more inclined
to think that helping Ocean is not something you have
given much thought to and not something which is very
important to you.
Well, that is about all I wanted to say I guess. There is
one other thing which I’ve thought a little about
though. It is something about respect. I wrote on my
section on respect that one way to show respect to
someone is to ask them how they would feel before you do
something which will affect them.
I also write about how respect must be earned.
Honestly, I’d rather you feel respect for me than
feel afraid of me. I don’t feel very optimistic,
though, that you will ever feel much respect for me. So I
am thinking that it would be good to help you think about
your own image and what people might think if it appears
that you are protecting Ocean’s parents more than
caring about Ocean and her feelings and needs. I feel
very skeptical about all of this. I think most people are
more worried about their own image than they are about
whether Ocean kills herself or not.
This saddens me to even have to say it. But it is the
reality we live in now it seems. I would like to live in
a different world. A world where a teenager’s life
and feelings were given more importance instead of just
lip service. A world where feelings were more important
than laws and money. A world where the use of fear and
force is seldom if ever used. Where people aren’t
threatened, they are just educated and informed. I’d
also like to live in a world where feelings are more
important. And where young people’s feelings are
taken more seriously.
This leads me to something else I would like to ask you.
Do believe any teenager’s feelings are relevant in a
court case?
And do you think it is useful to ask them to describe
their feelings with feeling words, like I advocate on my
site?
I’d also like to ask you if you think my idea of
asking people how they feel from 0-10 is useful in a
legal case.
And I would like to ask you if you have asked Ocean if
she feels helped by what you are doing.
And I would like to ask you if you think anyone with
power should ever ask a young person, or a
“minor” as you say, how they feel about
anything, or if the people with power should always
assume that the young person’s feelings don’t
matter, aren’t important, aren’t relevant and
are simply superfluous in all situations?
I’d also like to ask you what your thoughts are on
teen suicide. I’d like to ask you if you believe a
teenager is less likely to want to kill themselves if
they feel understood by someone, for example. And if you
think they are less likely to want to kill themselves if
they feel loved by someone.
Now after having said all of this, I would like to offer
my help in helping Ocean, if helping Ocean is something
which interests you.
I would like to cooperate with you in finding ways that
we can help Ocean and perhaps calm the fears of her
parents somewhat. I would like to feel cooperative with
you and the judge instead of feeling defiant,
antagonistic, resentful etc. I would like to help you do
something which you feel good about, which you feel proud
about.
I don’t know if you have any teenage daughters or if
you have talked to any teenagers about this case, but I
would like you to think about how young people are going
to feel if they know that you had a chance to help Ocean
and you didn’t do it.
I would like you to think about ways you could truly be
helpful to Ocean and I would like you to think about what
is really important in this case. What is the point of
this whole case, really? Is it really to help Ocean?
Do you really feel good about what you have done so far?
Do you really think I am a dangerous person? Or a danger
to Ocean? If so, in what way?
I’d like you to think about all the suicidal
teenagers I talk to and tell me whether you honestly
believe it would be better if I were in jail and
couldn’t talk to them or introduce them to other
teenagers who could help them feel less alone and more
understood.
I’d also like to know if you would be open to
talking directly to some of the other teenagers that have
talked to Ocean and if you would be open to talking to
some of the other teenagers who have contacted me and
told me about their problems at home and who have told me
how much I am helping them.
I would also like you to think about what will happen
when Ocean is 18 and how she will feel when she looks
back at what you did.
I’d like you to really think about all of this and
write me an honest letter with your true human feelings
and with your true personal beliefs.
Steve Hein
September 18, 2005
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References
Respect
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