Emotional Intelligence | Stevehein.com

Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Enlightenment, and Business

Business has become, in this last half-century,the most powerful institution on the planet.
The dominant institution in any society needs to take responsibility for the whole.

Futurist Willis Harman (1918-1997)

Introduction

In this section of my site I present a few of my ideas as well as a sampling of what others are doing under the umbrella term of emotional intelligence. As stated elsewhere on my site, sometimes when I see how people like Dan Goleman have used the term, I think what we need is emotional enlightenment, not just a repackaging of familiar HR concepts or an attempt to squeeze more performance out of already highly pressured and competitive employees. Though Goleman has indeed made some valuable contributions to this field, overall I am very critical of his approach. Thus I offer you a variety of views.

Note to HR Managers

As noted in the introduction I feel quite critical of the way people like Dan Goleman have been using the term EI. I am very familiar with the painstaking academic work done by Jack Mayer, Peter Salovey and David Caruso. In fact, it is fair to say that I feel protective of them, especially of Jack who has one of the highest levels of integrity of anyone you are likely to encounter.

On the other hand, Dan Goleman, Reuven Bar-On, Robert Cooper and others have been, to be very frank, misleading you. As HR managers you are well aware of the importance of people skills. Perhaps all the marketing hype about emotional intelligence has helped you get the attention of your senior managers and others in your organizations. This is a good thing up to a point. The problem is, as I see it, is that when people realize that they have been mislead, they will feel even more skeptical of your profession. I do not want to see this happen. I worked in HR. I know how hard it is to convince people that these things are important.

So please understand that I am not saying that what Goleman and others are calling EI is unimportant. Far from it. But what I am saying is that they are risking damaging the entire field of EI if they continue to make wild, unsubstantiated, though scientific sounding claims.

I recently spend several days with Chuck Wolfe and David Caruso. We spent a lot of time looking very carefully at the so-called emotional intelligence tests, such as the ECI-360 and the EQi. (The EQ Map is so far from a test of emotional intelligence that it was not even seriously considered) We compared them to pre-existing personality tests such as the NEO-PI-R. We compared them to the ability based MEIS and MSCEIT tests.

Based on these comparisons, I am more convinced than ever that as the truth comes out, it will be clearer and clearer how the businessworld has been misled. We are already starting to see Dan Goleman become much more cautious about his use of terms. He is now referring more and more to "emotional competencies." He realizes his writing can not stand up to the scrutiny it has come under unless he changes his tune. If you read his writing carefully, you will also notice he is starting to feel increasingly defensive and starting to go on the attack, attacking those who are attempting to bring more truth to this field.

I believe the serious research and serious application of the findings is extremely important, not only to the businessworld, but to world in general. I do not want to see the field discredited and trivialized through being stretched to the point of meaninglessness. Right now, in fact, my greatest fear is that if people like Dan Goleman are not discredited soon, the entire field of EI will be.

Encouragingly, we are now able to read articles by the academic researchers themselves. These articles are coming out in edited books like The Handbook of Emotional Intelligence, edited by Bar-On and Parker. Though I disagree with much of what Reuven Bar-On is doing, I concur with David Caruso when he says that Reuven is to be commended for allowing those critical of him to be included in his book. In the next few weeks there will be another book available called Emotional Intelligence and Everyday Life, by Ciarocchi, Forgas and Mayer. These three are all scholars rather than journalists, consultants or journalists-turned-consultants. Then we will have the book by Cherniss, Goleman which Warren Bennis is contributing to. Bennis has been highly respected for years and I am encouraged he has given us his own account of the developments in this field. He presents a much more impartial and realistic interpretation of the scientific research. I feel hopeful and optimistic that his wisdom and moderation has influenced the writing by Goleman and Cherniss, and that he will help tame this runaway horse of EI which is now nearly out of control. (Bennis article)

I urge each of you to look very carefully at the academic articles. Sometimes they are admittedly quite hard to read. But your professional reputation is at stake. I suggest it is worth it to you to make sure you know what you are really talking about when you say "emotional intelligence" or "emotional intelligence test." By the way, as you come across articles on the web and in the popular press, one way to check their credibility is to see how many times, if any, they cite the work of Jack (John) Mayer. He has been the leading researcher in this field since 1990. This would be a larger oversight (or deliberate ommission) than speaking of the Fifth Discipline and not mentioning Peter Senge.

While I have tried to review, interpret and summarize the academic articles for you in various places on this website, I am not a psychologist or an expert on personality measures. Nor am I actively working as a consultant. I do this primarily because it is something which is important to me personally and because I respect and admire the work of the academic researchers who have pioneered this field. If you do want an expert opinion on testing or on applications in your organization, I can recommend David Caruso at worklife@compuserve.com. David knows this field inside and out. Based on my time and correspondence with him, he is a person who is not motivated by making a fast buck. His motives seem to be a pursuit of scientific truth, a true concern for individuals, and a desire to do his part for humanity. David is a licensed psychologist, a former corporate manager, an excellent speaker and generally a fun guy to work with. He works closely with Chuck Wolfe, who is a private consultant skilled in OD training and interventions. Chuck can be reached at cjwolfe@cjwolfe.com

This is not a paid advertisement, by the way -- there is no financial relationship between us. Like Don Quixote, I simply want to help right wrongs and acknowledge integrity when I see it.

Steve Hein, May 2001

Note to ASTD Members

First, thank you to ASTD for the link to my site. I feel honored to have my site included and I feel challenged to live up to the honor and provide you with something of real value. I was a member of ASTD back in Austin and Dallas around 1983-1985 so I still feel a special connection to the organization. If you happen to know Ron Milam from ARCO, or Frank Coy who once had a consulting firm named Human Resource Consultants in Dallas, please tell them I said "Hi."

About me

I got my MBA from the U of Texas in 1983. (Top 2% I am somewhat proud and somewhat embarrassed to say! Embarrassed because I was such a conformist and worried about my grades so much!) My concentration was organizational behavior. My masters thesis was "A Study of Organizational Development Consulting in San Antonio, Texas." As an undergraduate I also did an honors thesis on OD consulting. At that time no one was talking about emotions or about feelings in the workplace. If there was any mention of it, I completely missed it. This may have been because I was overly intellectual and not at all "in touch" with my own feelings or because it just wasn't addressed. Or maybe a combination of both. Now though, everyone is talking about emotional intelligence. On this page I hope to enlighten you a bit about what is really happening regarding emotional intelligence.

I got interested in it as a result of a nightmarish divorce battle in 1994-1995. It was then I began to realize you can be "successful" and utterly miserable. Before that I had my own business developing software. As I look back I think a lot of my success was because I had these emotional skills and perhaps some emotional intelligence as Mayer and his team define it. Most of the computer programmers I was competing with were very lacking in customer relations, to put it somewhat simplistically. I heard a joke that if you asked them what time it was they would tell you how to make a digital watch.

I sold my business in 1993 and got married. Unfortunately I was showing off my financial success a bit too much and attracted someone who was a bit of a "gold digger" as they used to say in Texas. After about a year I filed for divorce, and though we had no children it cost me about $50,000. Not because she got a big settlement or because we had children. Nope, it was only because we were fighting an emotional battle. I told my lawyer I didn't want my soon-to-be-ex-wife to get a dime. And she didn't. But he made out pretty well.

Now I look back and laugh when I am in a good mood, or almost cry when I am in a more serious mood. It was all so very unnecessary. What I am writing about on these pages, comes from the school of hard knocks more than from any scientific research. I believe I am in line with the research, but ahead of it. At any rate, I have lots of stuff on this site to think about besides just how to create "star performers," as Goleman says. One of those things is balance. I'd like to you to think about how work fits in with your life. And how you really feel about work. And about children. And about the unmet emotional needs that so many of us have. And whether we are perhaps out of balance towards money, profits, materialism and appearances (Several years ago, by the way, I vowed I would never wear a suit and tie again--and I haven't!). Also, I ask you to think about whether we are perhaps missing what is truly important to the human species.

I will leave you with these words from Henry David Thoreau, written just about 100 years ago:

This world is a place of business. What an infinite bustle! I am awaked almost every night by the panting of the locomotive. It interrupts my dreams. There is no sabbath. It would be glorious to see mankind at leisure for once. It is nothing but work, work, work. I cannot easily buy a blank-book to write thoughts in; they are commonly ruled for dollars and cents. An Irishman, seeing me [resting] a minute in the fields, took it for granted that I was calculating my wages. If a man was tossed out of a window when an infant, and so made a cripple for life, or scared out of his wits by the Indians, it is regretted chiefly because he was thus incapacitated for—business! I think that there is nothing, not even crime, more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself, than this incessant business.

From Life Without Principle

Quick Steps to Raising EQ at Work - (This is a little simplistic, I realize, but you will get the idea.)

If you want to raise the EQ in your organization, start asking people how they feel. Insist on getting feelings as the response, not thoughts disguised as feelings (Examples of thoughts in disguise: I feel like..., I feel that..., I feel as if...)

Here are some steps to follow:

Step 1

Start with these feelings. Ask them specifically, on a scale of 0-10 how much they feel:

Respected
Appreciated
Supported

Then wherever the number is less than 10, ask what it would take to raise the numbers. Then do it.

Next, ask about how much they feel

Criticized
Controlled

Ask what it would take to lower the numbers. Then take action.

Step 2

Start expressing your own feelings. Begin sentences with:

I am afraid....

I feel confused about...

I appreciate...

I feel concerned about

Step 3

After expressing your feelings, let your employees figure out what to do. Don't tell them. Don't underestimate their intelligence and rob them of a chance to feel good about themselves.

Step 4

Start thinking about the impact your words have on their feelings. Remember we all do our best work when we feel good about ourselves.

For more information see:

Emotional Literacy, EQ-Based Listening, Validation, Invalidation , Conflict Resolution, Copy of Slides

Book Reviews

Maslow on Management, Abraham Maslow Ratine

Executive EQ, K. Cooper, A. Sawaf

Maslow on Management, Abraham Maslow

(March, 1999 preliminary notes) I have just started reading this book, but it looks excellent. Though Maslow died in 1970, his influence lives on. He has long been one of my favorite writers. His daughter, Ann Kaplan, has re-published his notes on management under this new title. His humanistic views coincide with the principles of EI management as I teach them. Below are some quotes from the first chapter. There are also about 6 pages of excerpts in this inc.com article. xx broken -- inc.com/incmagazine/article/0,,ART1009,00.html

In 1998 in an article for Forbes Peter Drucker says he was an "instant convert" when he read what Maslow wrote about managing people. (For more on Maslow see http://maslow.org - a private site.)

My notes:

The only happy people I know are the ones who are working well at something they consider important. (p. 9)
--

Where fear reigns, enlightened management is not possible. (p. 26)
--

The better the manager, the more freedom people will feel to express irritation, disagreement, etc. The same has now been empirically proven for the relation between the psychotherapist and his patient. It is far better for them both to be honest rather than to conceal. (p. 27)
--

Everyone prefers to feel important, needed, useful, successful, proud, respected, rather than unimportant, interchangeable, anonymous, wasted, unused, expendable, disrespected. (p. 28)
--

There must be an ability to identify with a fairly wide circle of human beings, ideally with the whole human species.

Authoritarians must be excluded or they must be converted. (p. 21)
--

If the lessons of psychology...can be applied to man's economic life, then my hope is that this too can be given an enlightened direction, thereby tending to influence in principle all human beings. (p.2)

By the way, when I checked Amazon, I found that it has received excellent reviews from readers.

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Executive EQ, K. Cooper, A Sawaf

This was one of the first books written on EQ for managers. It seems to be an adaptation of the author's previous work rather than a new discussion of EQ in business. I found it somewhat interesting, but not particularly helpful. It was fairly tedious and lengthy.

The author tries to force his ideas into a classification scheme, but I didn't see much value in his model. He also tries too hard to promote the sale of his materials and consulting services. I felt turned off by this.

The best thing I got from it was that there is value in conflict. He rightly says that conflict gives us information and presents us with opportunities to improve. I also remember that he talked about what he called emotional authenticity and emotional fraud. In other words, when you express your true feelings or when you don't. I liked those terms and have incorporated them into my discussions of emotional intelligence.

Copy of Slide Presentation

A Few Principles

• All humans have basic emotional needs
• Each of us has similar, but different emotional needs
• Emotional needs vary more in degree than in type
• Emotional needs vary more than physical needs
• Emotional needs are more basic and more important than "rights"
• Negative feelings are indications of our unmet emotional needs (UEN's)
• Feelings are real and are not debatable.
• Invalidation damages self-esteem
• High self-esteem is needed for productivity, job satisfaction, and customer service
• Group harmony requires both mutual need satisfaction and mutual respect of feelings.

Importance of Emotions

• Our bodies communicate with us and others to tell us what we need
• The better our communication, the better we feel
• Emotions help us establish our boundaries
• Emotions have the potential to unite and connect us
• Emotions can serve as our inner moral and ethical compass
• Emotions are essential for good decision making

What doesn't feel good to us normally doesn't feel good to others. But to understand the importance of this, we must first be in touch with our own feelings.

 

Components of High EQ

• Self-awareness. Knowing how you feel in "real time"
• Emotional literacy. Being able to label emotions precisely. Being able to talk about feelings with others.
• Empathy and compassion. The ability to feel and understand the emotions of others.
• Balance. Being able to make decisions using a healthy balance of emotion and reason.
• Responsibility. Taking primary responsibility for your own emotions and happiness. Not saying that others "made" you feel the way you feel.

A Simple Definition of EI

Knowing how you and others feel and what to do about it.

Emotional Literacy

• Ability to speak about emotions in three word sentences beginning with "I feel...."
• Similar to concept of "I messages"

I feel....
	criticized
	unimportant
	disrespected
	bored

Click here on Emotional Literacy for more detail

Primary and Secondary Emotions

Primary emotions identify our unmet emotional needs (UEN's); secondary emotions are not so clear.

For example, if I say I feel ignored, I need to feel acknowledged.

But if I say I feel angry, it is not clear what emotional specific need is unmet.

Validation

• Acknowledge, accept, understand and nurture feelings
• To validate someone is to accept their individuality
• Validation is one of the keys to emotional intelligence
• Validating someone allows them to accept themselves
• Self-acceptance is a key to high self-esteem
• Often, the only thing we need is validation to feel better

Click here on Validation for more detail

Invalidation

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings.

Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but that we are fundamentally abnormal.

Psychological invalidation is one of the most counterproductive ways to try to manage emotions. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality.

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:

• We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
• We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
• We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
• We are ignored
• We are judged
• We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel

Click here on Invalidation for more detail.

Problems Caused by Negative Feelings

• Increase in defensiveness
• Turnover
• Absenteeism
• Lost work time
• Inefficient communication
• Dishonesty, secrecy, evasiveness
• Decrease in creativity
• Fear of risk-taking, criticism, judgment and disapproval
• Inefficient problem solving
• Increased personal attacks

When We Have Negative Feelings We Are More:

• critical
• aggressive
• judgmental
• closed-minded
• non-accepting
• disapproving
• impatient
• inflexible

Common Negative Feelings Among Employees

* Unmet Emotional Needs Cause the Majority of Problems at Work *

The emotionally intelligent manager, then, knows how to identify and manage UEN's of both the customer and the employee.

More Desirable Feelings Which Management Can Help Create

• Respected
• Acknowledged
• Supported
• Helped
• Trusted
• Appreciated
• Important
• Special
• Irreplaceable
• Useful
• Needed
• Valued and valuable

Effects of Positive Feelings

When our emotional needs are satisfied we feel better, and when we feel better we are more:

• productive
• motivated
• adventurous
• patient
• complimentary
• creative
• cooperative
• open-minded
• flexible
• understanding
• empathetic
• compassionate
• accepting

A Five Step Plan to Manage Feelings

1. Identify the primary feelings.

2. Identify the cause of the feelings.

3. Ask what would help (me/you) feel better?

4. Generate options.

5. Choose the best option.

Communicating Negative Feelings

• Express your specific feeling (Example, I am afraid that...)
• Ask for help (Can you help me understand...)
• Avoid "you messages" which put other on the defense
• Avoid judging, labeling and criticizing

Respect

• All humans need to feel respected, even the least powerful
• To show respect to someone we must respect their feelings
• Respecting feelings includes asking about feelings, validation and empathy
• Respecting someone means asking how they would feel before making decisions which affect them

Customer Service

• Teach representatives to look for and validate feelings - See EQ Based Listening
• Ask what would help the customer feel better
• Set goals for key customer feelings
• Track them and manage them
• Use a simple scale such as 0-10 for each feeling
• Avoid saying things like "It is company policy." "I am not authorized to do that." "There is nothing I can do." "You should have gotten the person's name."

Key Feelings You Want Your Customers to Have

• Respected
• Important
• Remembered
• Acknowledged
• Satisfied
• Helped
• Understood

Performance Evaluation

• Ask subordinates and co-workers how they feel around this person
• Key feelings to track are: respected, controlled, criticized, supported, appreciated, relaxed, judged

Preventing Sexual Harassment Problems

• Teach employees to express their feelings directly
• Teach them what invalidation is
• Teach them what it means to respect another's feelings
• Take invalidation seriously
• Arrange a facilitated conflict resolution session including both parties

Summary

• Start talking about feelings
• Start respecting them
• Start assigning value to them
• Include feelings in decision making and problem resolution
• Listen to the most sensitive people in the organization
• Strike a balance between emotion and logic
• Develop the EQ skills throughout the organization
• Prohibit invalidation
• Make your business a place of mutual respect for feelings
• Identify the key feelings important for success
• Establish feeling goals for employees and customers
• Use a simple scale such as 0-10 to track feelings

Article I wrote on EQ in Business- Revised August, 2000

Studies show that managers and employees with certain non-cognitive abilities and traits are more successful than those who are merely cognitively intelligent or technically qualified. This is nothing particularly new. Even as early as 1936, Dale Carnegie wrote that only "about 15 percent of one's financial success is due to technical knowledge".What is mainly new are the terms emotional intelligence and EQ, and the interest in all the new tests of these non-cognitive abilities and traits. A small amount of everything that has been called EI in the last 5 years, does qualify as new, and that is the research being done by John Mayer and his colleagues, which I cover in my academic section.

Here I will just give you a few ideas of how I define "EQ" and how I see it possibly applying in business. Please also see my discussion EQ vs. EI and of definitions of emotional intelligence.

First, I see the application of my EQ principles as leading to a more humane workplace and more satisfied customers. I also see possible practical applications in these specific areas:

Conflict Resolution

The ability to de-escalate conflicts and to use conflict as a source of valuable feedback and improvement. The treatment of feelings, both that of the customer and of the employee, as an important variable in the total success formula.

Customer Service:

Learning how to help your customers feel heard, understood, helped, served, respected, valued and important.

High Technology Management

Helping technical experts improve their emotional & people skills; i.e. creating a high-tech, high-touch workplace.

Hiring and Placement

Selecting employees with relatively high emotional intelligence and EQ and better placement matching

Turnover

Turnover reduction through helping employees feel appreciated, recognized, supported, challenged, rewarded and respected.

Training

Raising EQ at all levels of the business through Emotional Literacy and EQ awareness workshops.

Corporate Culture or Climate

Creating an environment where employees feel safe, trusted, special, needed, included, important, cooperative, focussed, productive, motivated, respected and valued.

Productivity

Developing intrinsic motivation. Increasing employee commitment, cooperation and cohesion. Reducing lost time spent on conflicts, turf-battles, defensiveness and insecurity.

Goal Setting

Setting goals which include feelings. For example, stating the goal that we want customers to feel satisfied, appreciated, etc. and setting similar goals for employees, and then getting feedback on feelings and measuring and tracking performance.

Long term reduction of health care costs

Negative emotions such as fear, worry, anxiety, and stress have been shown to reduce the functioning of the immune system, increase blood pressure, increase chance of heart attacks, prolong recovery times, cause migraine headaches, and increase the risk of cancer. On the other hand, emotional support has been shown to have tangible health benefits. In one study, for example, terminally ill cancer patients who received one hour per week of emotional support lived twice as long as those who did not receive such emotional support. While I am not aware of any studies, I believe it is safe to say that there are potential savings here.

Leadership

Using my view of EQ, the leader with high EQ is first of all emotionally aware. This means he is aware of his own feelings and is not limited to logic, intellect and reasons when making decisions and managing people. He is also able to read the unverbalized emotions in others. In addition:

• He is emotionally literate in that he is able to concisely articulate emotions; he has a broad vocabulary of feeling words at his quick disposal.
• He is emotionally secure. In other words, he does not feel threatened by others or their differing opinions or beliefs. Thus he does not easily become defensive or angered. Also, he acknowledges his fears and encourages others to do likewise.
• He is empathetic. He tends to accept others and show compassion, rather than to be demanding and intolerant. He treats all feelings with respect.
• He is inspiring and motivating. He is able to understand what motivates his individual employees and he adjusts his management style to their unique values and motives.

Top Management

Top management's emotional style and emotional self-management is critical to company's EQM. When the executive values feelings, so will the managers and the employees. Also, research confirms what common sense would suggest: Emotions are contagious. Thus, if the executives feel optimistic, confident, creative, flexible, tolerant, respectful, and compassionate, the employees will tend to take on these same feelings. Research also indicates that the direction of emotional flow is from top down, as we might expect, since anyone in power has, by default, more influence.

References:

Emotional Intelligence, 1995, Daniel Goleman

EQ for Everybody: A Practical Guide to Emotional Intelligence, 1996, Steve Hein

Executive EQ, 1997, Robert Cooper

How to Win Friends and Influence People, 1936, Dale Carnegie

"Emotional Intelligence," Peter Salovey and John Mayer. Imagination, Cognition, and Personality #9, 1990.

"Time" magazine, cover story, October 1995.

"Fortune" magazine, special report, January 1996

Notes from Leadership Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon

Though written long before the term emotional intelligence was popularized, or even the subject of scientific research, this book reflects much of what I will call emotionally enlightened management. Here are a few notes from my partial reading of it with some of my comments and adaptations included.

---

"Mutual need satisfaction" p 3 & chap 3. (same as my idea of mutual respect for feelings)

participation- they are more open to new ideas when they are included.

My adaptation of his idea of a good leader p5

employees feel understood, listened to, heard, supported, important, respected, remembered, involved, included, helped, free (not tightly controlled), trusted, developed, nurtured, equal

people want to be treated with respect

several types of power - power to give punishment and rewards 2) from job title 3) from knowledge, expertise

[I would say another comes from respect, which means involves how emotional needs are treated]

First type of power is "almost inevitably destructive to relationships, and in the long run also lowers motivation and productivity. Worse when leaders use power they actually lose their ability to influence their group members.

The ability to "influence people without using power is the key to leader effectiveness." p 8

Gordon says leader is there to help group meet its needs. p. 267

No lose outcomes - win/win

Problems when employees have negative feelings:

turnover, absenteeism, disloyalty, lack of commitment, sabotage

How humans respond to authority based on power when it hasn't earned respect:

[My adaptation based on Gordon's list on page 15]

resistance, rebellion, defiance, resentment, hostility, anger, discouragement, dishonesty, secrecy, aggression, retaliation, vengeance, ridicule, criticism, mockery, sarcasm, emotional dishonesty, blame, betrayal, apathy, obsequiousness, flattery, falseness, patronizing, indulgence, disdain, disparagement, alienation

p 19 Gordon says managers must understand the human needs. See my list of human emotional needs

Summarized he says:

We are all in constant struggle to fill our needs - we are interdependent - we seek out those who help us fill our needs - and leave when they no longer satisfy enough of our needs - they follow leaders who will are helping them meet their needs

He adds that the leader must also fill his own needs- [Right-- That is why I say MRFF (mutual respect for needs) or RRFF or we might say reciprocal respect for feelings R2 F2)]

Some of a leader's possible emotional/psychological needs:

status, esteem, rewards, appreciation, respect, accomplishment, achievement

He mentions the principle of "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine"

[Added to this, I thought of the emotional bank account (EBA) analogy: I must have a sufficient balance in mine to invest, give or to loan to you. (In other words the manager, or whoever, must have enough of his emotional needs met before he can help his others meet their emotional needs. Or, to put it another way, if one person has a lot of UEN's (unmet emotional needs) he or she will be less likely to make a positive "deposit" into another person's EBA, in fact they may be a drain to it, or even steal from it!]

p 21 leaders need to learn what employees need. [he says you have to "decode" what they are saying in order to read the emotions behind the words- I say teach them the feeling words! - It is more efficient and more accurate. See emotional literacy and feeling words

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For a pre-publication reprint of Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace

Contact David Caruso or Charles Wolfe

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Robert McGarvey Article

                                                                             
 Abstract:  It is important for entrepreneurs to have a high emotional
intelligence quotient to succeed in business. Emotional intelligence refers to
the ability to relate with people and understand their emotions. This quality
is essential in managing employees, getting customers and attracting
investors.
                                                                             

Get more from employees by upping your EQ.

Do you have a high "EQ"? That's emotional intelligence quotient, and though it
may sound touchy-feely, it's recently emerged as a hot management concept.

"A big factor in why entrepreneurs fail is low EQ," says Emory Mulling,
president of The Mulling Group, an Atlanta outplacement and executive coaching
company. "The higher you go in any organization, the more important EQ becomes
because your relationships become more important - and that's what EQ is all
about."

"The term 'emotional intelligence' may mystify the topic. What we're really
talking about is the ability to connect with people and to be able to
understand their emotions," adds Ron Riggio, a professor of organizational
psychology at Claremont McKenna College in Claremont, California. "This is
critically important to entrepreneurs, not only in managing employees but also
in getting customers, attracting investors, and at every step in building a
business."

* WHAT IS EQ?

The experts say individuals with the highest EQs excel at four interrelated
skills:

* the ability to persist and stay motivated in the face of frustration

* the ability to control impulses

* the ability to control their emotions

* the ability to empathize with others

"These skills are exemplified by effective leaders," says John Sosik, a
management professor at Pennsylvania State University in Malvern. "EQ really
is old wine in a new bottle. It's about self-awareness and empathy, and those
are skills any leader needs in building a successful organization."

The need for managerial EQ, in fact, has only intensified as structural
changes have swept through the workplace. In decades past, a boss probably
could ignore his employees' emotional lives - workers were in effect told to
leave their emotions at home, and most complied. No more.

"As organizations have shifted to a more team-based workplace, you're asking
employees for commitment and passion - to bring both their brains and hearts
to the job. Along with this, you have to expect people will bring their
emotions to work, too," says Patricia J. Addesso, a San Diego management
consultant and author of Management Would Be Easy - If It Weren't for the
People (Amacom). "You cannot ignore emotions - not if you want to get passion
from your workers."

* THE TRUE TEST

EQ is something every boss can use to get the troops working hard, smart and
with commitment. So how high is your EQ? Although EQ-testing instruments have
been flooding the marketplace, no formal measures have been scientifically
validated, says Sosik.

Instead of taking pen to paper to test yourself, Addesso recommends a simpler,
more direct method. "Ask yourself fundamental questions," she advises. "Do you
feel in control of your emotions? Do you lose your temper easily? Do you often
say 'I wish I hadn't done that'? Do people's reactions to you puzzle you? Are
you taken by surprise a lot? Do you feel misunderstood?"

More generally, are emotions a mystery to you? The more emotions are
integrated into your daily life, the higher your EQ is likely to be. But
whether you score high or low, the good news is that we all can raise our EQ,
says Riggio.

What are the steps? "The initial requirement in raising your EQ is the desire
to change," says Addesso. "Once you make that decision, you've taken a large
step toward learning new skills."

Step two, says Robert Reiher, a La Canada, California, developmental
psychologist, "is learning to reflect. You won't have high EQ until you learn
to reflect on what's going on inside yourself. And if you don't know what's
going on inside yourself emotionally, you cannot know what's going on inside
others."

"Listen to what you're telling yourself," says Christopher Neck, a management
professor at Virginia Polytechnic Institute & State University in Blacksburg,
Virginia, and author of Medicine for the Mind (McGraw Hill). But don't assume
what you hear is immutable. "You can change it. You can tell yourself
something different - and that means you can change and regulate your moods."

Therein lies the next step in an EQ-boosting regimen - emotional control.
"Emotional control is a key skill for successful leaders," says Riggio. He
offers this scenario as proof: You've just been turned down for a bank loan.
"Do employees take one look at you and say 'Uh-oh, it's going to be a bad day
around here'? If they do, it detracts from your effectiveness as a leader."

Of course, not all emotions should be hidden from your staff - that would be a
step backward. "But when you can control which emotions you show," says
Riggio, "then you are that much polished a leader."

Step four is practicing empathy. There's no mystery about how to strengthen
empathy. "It boils down to practicing active listening skills," says Sosik.
"But it takes concentration to pick up on the emotions that are coming across
in a conversation." For instance, if an employee says "That customer is
picking on me," don't just focus on the facts - delve into the underlying
emotions. Is he pouting? Mad? Explore the subtext because there likely is one.

This probably won't be easy in the beginning unless such dialogue is part of
your nature. So expect stumbles at first, and trust that employee will read
your sincerity and respond to it, even if finesse is lacking.

Some of the emotions you pick up on may strike you as foolish - but hold your
fire because the last step in raising EQ is to validate the emotions of other,
says Addesso. That means acknowledging their emotions, even if they are
different than what you'd feel in the same situation.

This doesn't mean you need to surrender to their every emotion. "Many
executives make that mistake," says Addesso. "If an employee bursts into tears
during a performance appraisal, for a lot of managers, it's all over. They
say, 'Don't think about any of this. It's fine. Get back to work." That's a
big mistake. Be sensitive to others, but don't let their emotions rule you."

Is that displaying low EQ? Not at all. "Validating others' emotions isn't the
same as catering to them," says Addesso.

Don't expect your EQ to soar immediately. But the payoffs of investing in and
cultivating your EQ are enormous. "Research shows [business owners] with high
EQs can get results from employees that are beyond expectations. They will
work harder, especially in the kind of turbulent times that characterize
today's business climate," says Sosik. "To succeed nowadays, you need to keep
your cool, manage conflicts and bring others together behind you. That's what
EQ lets you do."

Robert McGarvey writes on business, psychology and management topics for
several national publications. To reach him online with your questions or
ideas, log on to www.members.aol.com/rjmcgarvey/.
                                                                             
                                -- End --

InfoTrac Web: Expanded Academic ASAP Int'l Ed..

    Full content for this article includes illustration and photograph.
                                                                             
   Source:  Entrepreneur, July 1997 v25 n7 p78(3).
                                                                             
    Title:  Final score. (emotional intelligence quotient)
   Author:  Robert McGarvey

Full Text COPYRIGHT 1997 Entrepreneur Media Inc.

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Critical Review of Goleman's 1998 book, Working with emotional intelligence.

Summary

For me, there was much less new material in this book than in Goleman's first book on EI, and it is written more for the mass market. It reads like a cross between an introductory text on Human Resource Management and a Tom Peters book. One big problem I have with the book is that it stretched the concept of EI into areas which were never included by the researchers Mayer and Salovey.

Also, Goleman seems to promote the belief that success is money and money is success. I quickly grew tired of all the references to "star performers," for example. I am afraid salespeople will become even more "fake" and relentless, and that managers who have a tendency to emotionally manipulate their employees will misuse this book. Goleman does not seem to sincerely endorse respect for the individual's feelings or to suggest that managers consider their own feelings about the products they are making and the services they are offering. I am afraid Daniel Goleman has gotten swept away with his fame, status and pursuit of his own financial success, and has lost sight of what is truly important to the human species.

Like all tools, the use of his book and his research will depend on the motives of the person using it.

More detailed comments.....

As someone who has worked in business, has had my own business, and has studied organizational behavior in both undergraduate and graduate school, when I read this book in 1998 I felt offended by Goleman trying to tell me that what he was writing about was something new. Even before I was aware that Jack Mayer and his research colleagues strongly disagreed with his use of the term emotional intelligence, I sensed something was wrong.

Now as I read more of Mayer, Salovey's and Caruso's work, and I see more of the research (for example that which compares the results of Goleman's "Emotional Competence Inventory", which he calls a measure of emotional intelligence, to other measures of personality such as the FIRO B test and the California Personality Inventory), I feel even more mislead by Goleman. Because Goleman has so firmly entrenched himself and his definition of EI in the business community, I feel a sense of obligation to try to stem the tide of his influence. I am afraid he is doing significant damage to the legitimate concept of emotional intelligence.

Below are a few of my more specific criticisms of his 1998 book on what he calls emotional intelligence. (I have more specific page number references if you are interested.)

----

He presents obvious, well-known facts as if they were important new insights, then he offers a research study citation to support it. For example, he speaks of "landmark" studies which show that (1) People with self-confidence are more successful. (2) People with initiative take more risks (3) Groups perform better if the group members get along.

He tries to mislead us into believing he is an expert in business-when in fact, his background is primarily academia and story writing.

He seems overly critical of trainers, training programs, consultants, psychologists, self-help books, business managers, business in general and anyone who is trying to do work under the name of EI. It seems he wants to be the sole prophet of Emotional Intelligence and he wants all consulting work to go to his (then) newly established consulting business.

Terms are interchanged and sometimes confused: Empathy/sympathy. Empathy/sensitivity. Empathy distress/sympathy. Cowardice/brilliance. Optimism/hope. Understanding/ involvement; Initiative/"sheer hard work."

Some of the terms used seemed unnecessary or contrived: "Pseudoempathy," "Empathy avoidance," "Empathy Distress"

Name dropping. Goleman steadily mentions names of the big companies he has consulted for, all the CEO's he has spoken with, etc. And he mentions his friends, business partners and former professors at Harvard a few too many times.

"I heard Alex Broer, vice chancellor of Cambridge University and a former director of research at IBM, tell a London briefing on emotional intelligence for British Telecom..." p 191

He labels people

Mediocre, nerds p 44
techies p 45
trouble maker p 93
dreamer p 94
pessimist p 126
oafish arrogant brash p 191

Uses too much drama:

"There is now a palpable bleakness about the new landscape of work." p 10

Uses words emotionally loaded with fear and urgency

Says EI is "crucial" and "essential to our success" p. 3,4
"People desperately felt the need for connection, for empathy, for open communication." p 9
"Another reality makes EI even more crucial"..." p 9
EI made the "crucial" difference between "mediocre and best leaders" p 33
"these turbulent times" p 99

His book is written too much like a series of newspaper articles for a mass-market newspaper like USA Today. In other words, his sections are short, have "cute" titles (some even with religious associations) and are significantly watered down in comparison with his first book.

Some sample section titles:

The Value of Magic p 34
Too much college, too little kindergarten p 42
The just-say-no neurons p 77
Change is the constant p 96
Angel's Advocates and Voices of Doom p 102
The Cardinal Sin p 307

He offers needless explanations and definitions. He tells us Lockheed is an "aerospace company" and that Lee Iacocca "turned Chrysler around." And he felt the need to define "micromanagement" for us.

He neglects the most important aspect of EI-- feelings. Like B.F. Skinner, Daniel seems to believe that what matters is behavior, and that feelings are just a means to an end. Goleman also seems to believe that feelings are messy and scary and are better left at home, unless they can be directly associated with "star performance."

Note: I have also started a page on Goleman to gather my notes from his books, copies of his articles, my critical reviews, etc.

Selected comments from Amazon.com readers of Goleman's 1998 book

After I posted my own critical review of Goleman's book for business, I was afraid I was being overly critical, so I went to Amazon.com to see what some other readers had said. While there are glowing reviews from people who called it "extrodinary," "superb," "tremendous," and "invaluable" there are also these comments which seem to reflect my concerns:

Reviewer: A reader from Hong Kong
Summary: Sheer disappointment

Compared to the auther's first book that has bought me such a new insight into human nature, the second book is like an old man reiterating what he has learnt in the past and who sees everything through the same lens. Maybe what he said is still right, but it gives me a feeling that the idea are not all interconnected, well-knitted and insightful. The theme of the book is simple: The business circle has further proven his EQ theory. The volume of supporting data only highlight the hollowness of the idea presented in the book. August 15, 1999

-----

Reviewer: A reader from Boston
Summary: Another depressing addition to psych-lite for managers

Although the art of management remains to some extent a mystery, and managers thus eager for true insights into the underlying framework for personal relations, there is still really no excuse for such simplistic platitudes. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/flex-sign-in/ref=cm_rate_rev/002-8377638-6167269#rated-review June 19, 1999

-----

Reviewer: A reader from St. Louis, MO
Summary: Unfortunate commercialization of a undefined construct,

This book was a huge disappointment for someone looking for theoretical insight towards a more defined construct of emotional intelligence. Goleman's previous book was insightful and did not carry the obvious plugging of his EQ consulting service. The book offered no new ideas and only contributed to muddying the construct of emotional intelligence. Goleman is following (maybe leading) the group of individuals trying to cash in on the 'hot' idea of EQ in corporate America. I hope the concept of emotional intelligence doesn't fall to the waste side as a result of poor application and research. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/stores/detail/-/books/0553104624/customer-reviews/11/002-8377638-6167269 March 31, 1999

--

Did not enlighten me on how to master emotional intelligence, March 16, 1999
Reviewer: phyllis.ball@aspect.com from San Francisco, CA
As someone who was hoping to understand how to become more "emotionally intelligent" I was extremely disappointed in this book. The purpose of the book seems to be 1)to convince the reader of the importance of emotional intelligence (I was ready to accept this as a given and get on with it) and 2) to outline at a very high level the components of emotional intelligence (a rather inuitively obvious list including self-confidence, self-awareness, etc). The intended audience seems to toggle between the "corporation," trainers within a corporation, and the corporate individual. As such, the author fails to adequately address any of the above. I found the book needlessly verbose on topics that were not central (such as the importance of emotional intelligence). The author never got to the business of telling me how to gain this emotional intelligence. Instead he described in great detail items like how the brain works & the physiological effect of stress or panic. I was quite willing to take his word on the fact that there simply is a physiological effect of stress or panic (and take his word for other items like this) and wanted instead to get down to the most central & important topic which in this example was to learn how to avoid, minimize or manage stress or panic. This particular chapter ended and the author moved onto another topic without ever covering this most vital point. Likewise with other such topics and chapters. So, as an individual looking to take something useful away from this book, I think it missed the point.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/flex-sign-in/ref=cm_rate_rev/002-8377638-6167269#rated-review

--

Interesting, But What is New?, December 2, 1998
Reviewer: A reader from St. Paul, MN
A good read but it is a rehash of ideas previously presented. While the concepts are valid, its packaging strikes one as faddish.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/stores/detail/-/books/0553104624/customer-reviews/21/002-8377638-6167269

A Sequel With No New Idea, December 1, 1998
Reviewer: monson.m@bigfoot.com (see more about me) from Bangkok, Thailand
It looks like the author is trying to spread his gospel of EQ to the business world. His message is, to succeed in business, your organization needs to become an emotionally intelligent organization. It should be full of EQ staff. Or, to put it the other way around, if you want to succeed in an organization, you should be an EQ person. Then he goes at length to tell stories to support his proposition.

Unlike Emotional Intelligence, this sequel is light in contents. The book is loaded with interviews and observations. There is almost no new idea for those who have read [the first book]. It is admirable that the author can make it so thick (383 pages). http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/stores/detail/-/books/0553104624/customer-reviews/21/002-8377638-6167269

Managers will enjoy it, October 23, 1998
Reviewer: A reader from LA, California
The book will aid with the trend of creating an ideology to support the idea that individuals with little ability outside of 'management' (IQ or technical skills) should be leading. Conformity is being declared a new form of 'intelligence'. Maybe it is, depending on one's goals. Unfortunetly, for the rest of us who may simply want to have a job and be left alone, it will help to justify both personality testing and discrimination based on unpopularity. Corporate America has been going this way for decades and now is trying to throw the authority of social science behind it's goals... I'd recommend a re-reading of The Organization Man.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/stores/detail/-/books/0553104624/customer-reviews/21/002-8377638-6167269

Review of Working with Emotional Intelligence, by Robert J. Sternberg - Sternberg is IBM Professor of Psychology and Education,Yale University

In Personnel Psychology, Autumn 1999 v52 i3 p780.

Emotional intelligence, as belatedly defined in Appendix 1 of Goleman's book,
is "the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for
motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our
relationships." This book is about emotional intelligence in the workplace.
The book is organized into five parts. In the first, Goleman argues that
emotional intelligence matters more than IQ for determining who succeeds in
any job, and that for leadership, it is almost all that matters. In the second
part, Goleman presents 12 job capabilities - such as initiative,
trustworthiness, and self-confidence - that are essential to outstanding job
performance. In the third part, he discusses 13 relationship skills - such as
empathy, political awareness, and leadership - that are key to success in
organizations. In the fourth part, he discusses how to improve emotional
intelligence. And in the fifth part, he considers what it means for an
organization to be emotionally intelligent.

Sequels are always a challenge, as audiences discovered some years back in a
successive and seemingly endless stream of "Rocky" movies. The question is
whether a sequel can present something new or whether it basically goes over
the same ground in a different way. By this criterion, Goleman's sequel to
Emotional Intelligence is a qualified success. On the one hand, the new book
does go over much the same ground. On the other hand, it is more comprehensive
in covering the terrain, and much more focused on the workplace instead of on
education, the emphasis of the earlier book.

The book is targeted at a lay audience and is primarily useful for such an
audience. It is hard to argue with much of the advice. I turned to pages at
random, and here is what I came up with: "Those with initiative act before
being forced to by external events." "It's not enough to have the potential to
empathize - we have to care." "Without clear goals it is easy to wander off
course." These pithy homilies, typical of the book, affirm what most people
know, and, as in the first case, can be close to definitional. Yet, the advice
is good and certainly should do no harm, which is not always the case in books
of this kind.

Scholars and savvy practitioners may find the book more frustrating. Some of
the statements are simply inane, such as the opening of the book: "The rules
for work are changing: We're being judged by a new yardstick: not just by how
smart we are, or by our training and expertise, but also by how well we handle
ourselves and each other." It is hard for me to believe that Goleman believes
that, in the past, how well we handled ourselves and each other counted for
nothing in hiring decisions. But perhaps a bit of hyperbole is not altogether
harmful. Unfortunately, hyperbole to the point of silliness recurs from time
to time throughout the book. For example, Goleman states on the same page that
in this brave new world, the employer "takes for granted" enough intellectual
ability and technical know-how to do our jobs. I have yet to find an employer
who simply takes intelligence and technical know-how for granted, but perhaps
Goleman samples different employers from those I know. Goleman also claims to
have "a precise metric for quantifying the value of emotional intelligence,"
but this claim is never supported and seems dubious, given the difficulty even
of precisely quantifying traits that have been studied for many years, such as
(academic) intelligence.

Worse are the unsupported assertions that are spread throughout the book, such
as that training programs that "have embraced an academic model" have wasted
millions of hours and billions of dollars (no programs cited, no citation for
cost figures). Sometimes, assertions of others are equally unsupported and
even bizarre, such as a quote from a Nobel laureate, Ernest O. Lawrence, that"
'In scientific work, excellence is not about technical competence, but
character.' "This statement might sound right to some extreme right-wingers
who have bemoaned the loss of character in the United States, but it might
sound less persuasive to most scientists, who might see excellence in science
as involving quite a bit more than character or even technical competence.

As someone who has supported the broadening of concepts of intelligence, I am
somewhat taken aback at how broad Goleman's conception is. It includes, in
Goleman's framework: emotional awareness, accurate self-assessment,
self-confidence, self-control, trustworthiness, conscientiousness,
adaptability, innovation, achievement drive, commitment, initiative, optimism,
understanding others, developing others, service orientation, leveraging
diversity, political awareness, influence, communication, conflict management,
leadership, change catalyst, building bonds, collaboration and cooperation,
and team capabilities. In other words, it includes a combination of abilities,
personality traits, motivations, and emotional characteristics that seems to
stretch even the most liberal definition of intelligence, and seems close to a
conception of almost anything that matters beyond IQ. Some of these traits
even seem to overlap with IQ. As Goleman uses the term, emotional intelligence
comes across as the residual after IQ and perhaps includes aspects of IQ as
well.

When Goleman says that emotional intelligence counts more for success in all
jobs than does IQ, he is probably right according to his own definition, in
the sense that the residual unexplained reliable variance in predicting job
performance is virtually always more than 50% after IQ is entered into a
hierarchical regression equation. For Goleman, emotional intelligence seems to
be pretty close to nonchance individual factors that might encompass whatever
that residual might be. If Goleman used a more serious standard, such as a
statistical validation of his own measure (a measure not presented in the
book, but available from him at an undisclosed cost) over and beyond variation
predicted in job performance by IQ, his claims might not, and very likely
would not, hold up.

Goleman was not generous with credit to intellectual antecedents in his
earlier book on emotional intelligence. This book helps to remedy the
situation, but in a fairly minor way. He now includes a 11/2 page appendix
that cites the contributions of Howard Gardner and of Peter Salovey and John
Mayer, although some, including me, still are likely to believe that Goleman
is less than highly generous with credit. At the same time, he has been
uniquely and enormously successful in popularizing as well as expanding the
concept of emotional intelligence, and certainly deserves the lion's share of
the credit for this major accomplishment.

Although I have been critical of Goleman's book, I think it is valuable in a
number of ways. First, it conveys to lay audiences in a readable and engaging
way what Goleman's conception of emotional intelligence is and why emotional
intelligence matters in the workplace. Second, the book makes the valuable
point that success on the job involves much more than high levels of academic
abilities. Third, the book reviews many of the attributes that are important
for success on the job, and does so in a usually engaging and interesting way.
Finally, the book is far better than the typical book in the
psychology/self-help sections of many large bookstores that has absolutely no
basis in psychological theory or fact. To his credit, Goleman has a broad
knowledge of the psychological literature and of how to communicate it
nontechnically.

The bottom line is that I do not have time to read a great many books, but had
I not had to read this book to review it, I would have read it anyway. For me,
although the simplifications and banalities were often frustrating, the many
excellent points about emotions, personality, and motivation were well worth
the effort.
                                                                             
A Letter to the Editor of the APA Monitor

Robert Sternberg's Letter to the Editor of the APA Monitor

(Source: American Psychological Association letters )

Credit the original theorists

I was disappointed in the article on emotional intelligence in the workplace by Bridget Murray in the July Monitor.

Daniel Goleman has done the field of psychology a valuable service by expanding upon and especially by popularizing the notion of emotional intelligence originally set forward by Peter Salovey and Jack Mayer. Goleman’s contribution is well represented by this article. There are two aspects of the article that troubled me, however.

First, one can understand why lay media would concentrate on the popularization rather than on the scientific theory underlying the popularization. But it is disappointing when the Monitor contains no more than passing references to the work of the originators of the concept and theory. Many individuals have expanded upon and popularized the work of theorists such as Freud or Skinner, but at least the original theorists still receive major credit and attention from psychologists.

Second, given the growing body of carefully designed empirical research that now exists on emotional intelligence (both pro and con), it is disappointing that this research was largely ignored. Psychologists deserve at least a taste of what has been and is about to be published in scientific journals as well as of what is to be published in popular psychology books.

I do not mean to detract from the outstanding contribution that Daniel Goleman has made. But articles such as this one do a disservice to the field in passing over the scientific contributions that are at the core of our discipline.

Robert J. Sternberg
New Haven, Conn.

Inner Management -Ken Blanchard and Jennifer James

This is simple yet insightful tape. (1) It has a much more useful discussion of feelings in business contexts than most of what is being called emotional intelligence. It is a bit dated by its references to transactional analysis, but still quite worthwhile. Below are my notes:

--

Can bosses make you sick? Darn right they can - ulcers, headaches, stress, upset stomachs, cancer

What the worst bosses have in common:

• I'm okay, you're not.
• I'm right, your wrong.
• High need for control, even when they don't know what they are talking about.
• Always need to prove they know more than you.
• Win/lose orientation towards everything.

He wondered how people get like this. Answer: covering up their own not okay feeling about themselves.

If you don't feel good about yourself you can:

1. Hide
2. Try to control your environment.

Some of the most destructive people in organizations are those who don't feel good about themselves, ie those with low self-esteem.

Do you want to look successful or feel successful?

Success is a feeling.

People who look successful are damaging their organization by their arrogance, their criticism, which steal energy from their staff.

Self-esteem checklist:

1. Are you critical
2. Can you admit mistakes
3. Do you accept your body & physical image (After Jennifer fell of a horse her dad said "we'll never get her married now)
4. Trouble saying no. Feel guilty often.
5. Feel undeserving of compliments
6. How do you handle your birthday - do you want to hide?
7. Are you argumentative. (pick fights over anything, need to be right)
8. Are you intolerant of others (do you judge others)
9. Bicycle leadership bend back to those above while stomping on those below (boss-guy-wife-kid-cat)- ties in home/work
10. Always take the contrary view always need to debate everything
11. Are you able to forgive people, or do you keep grudges. (gunnysack)
12. Are you jealous/envious 1
13. Are you materialistic.
14. Are you impressed by titles/status/position/awards/applause
15. Can you handle loss

When you give people support they will push themselves to their highest level.

Helping someone develop their self esteem is a heroic act which will have far ranging consequences.

Much later...

Apologies

1. quickly
2. specific
3. how I feel
4. reaffirmation- I am better than that - that is not like me.

__________

Footnote

1. Why Blanchard is charging $59 dollars for six cassettes though is beyond me. He surely is a millionaire already. So I wonder why he doesn't just give his ideas away by now, especially his older products. He makes a big deal about spirituality, but still seems to place a high value on external things like money and appearances. Judging by his online video and from personal sources, he seems to be a person who would invalidate others and tell them to "just get over it" and "stop complaining." While he is indeed highly entertaining, he may be using humor as pain killer to provide his audiences temporary relief, something I believe there is already far too much of. While I like a lot of what he says, I would not call him emotionally enlightened.

EQ and Corporate Social Responsibility

Josh Freedman, the director of Six Seconds, has asked me to share this with my readers: