Message from Steve, site owner of EQI. I am not doing well. If you don't know the history here is a bit of background. -under construction
Andhere is regular list of stuff
march 3 10 am. Valizas, Uruguay
here is a mail i got from a teen in the uk. i will call her uktp... my reply follows
----- Original Message -----
To: "steve hein" <eqi.org2
Date: Mon, 2 Mar 2015 16:56:46 +0100
> Hi Steve how are you today? How are you feeling? What are you up to?
> Im a bit suicidal from exam pressure- everyone expects me to do well. Today I had English Lit it was so hard!!!!!!!!!!!! Im no f*****g good at essay questions.I'm going to fail. Why is it compulsory to do it for gcse ? We don't need it for the future and its boring. Its not like its Science or Maths and you need these for the future to know how the world works and how to live a normal life unless you choose to live with tribes or something and live in a remote area. I hate English Lit so much!!!!!!!!!!!! Tomarrow I have more exams and I have exams each day for 2 weeks. So bloody annoying. I'm trying to get over it but I can't but I have to grow up and cope. Don't know how I'ill cope at Uni but I want to go there to increase my knowledge- I have no money for travels and I'm not setting up a business- no good at these things. Helping people probably won't get me much money to live and I'm a terrible book writer so I can't do that.
hug - i cant write more now but i got this. good luck
and i felt very sad to read this.. sad how they system works and is causing u unnecessary pain
i feel so sad and discouraged when i read uktp's message
too s/d to even explain why. but i think p would understand. not sure how much cara would or lex -or jen. or ili - 4 pple who have been reading my site and wrote me in the past 2 days.
it would be interesting to hear why each of them things i would feel so sad and d from uktp's mail. and to hear what they think the tp means. i am not sure they all know. but p would know.
i miss p so much.
last night i wrote a lot around 4 or 5 am. the writing is very messy because i was in a lot of pain and i was in my tent and it was dark so i could not see the keyboard or screen well. probably later i will post a link to that messy writing. but i am afraid to make the link public. maybe i will just send it to a few pple. not sure yet.
i still have not heard back from p. so it is 2 days now.....
it is too painful to keep writing her. begging her to reply. just to let me know she got the mail. yet it is also painful to wait, wonder. wonder how she is feeling, if she is not writing back because she made a decision not to, or if she is in a hospital or angela has killed her or seriously hurt her. p said she felt underestimated by me... that hurts. she minimizes how scared i am. she just says im sorry all the time. she really doesnt seem to value her life or my life or my feelings. it is really scarey for me the effect that angela has had on her. it is so scarey, so painful it is hard to write about it. like the time i said being around angela was like being in a cult. and p laughed. but i was serious. she is outnumbered by one person with many personaities.
angela is so intelligent that she has completely manipulated p it seems.
before yesterday i was afraid to tell many pple that i had fallen for angela myself. and that is what hurt p so much. well it was that but it was finding out, from angela. one part of it that hurt p is that i didnt tell her myself first. But I had thought it thru very carefully and decided it would hurt her too much and that it wasnt the right time to tell her. And I was right. But even I underestimated how much it would hurt her. It is getting too painful to write again. Starting to feel a little suicidal. The ocean is right in front of me.I have often thought of drowning myself. Like the days after Laura Mendoza Sanches from Cajamarca Peru abandoned me. She was a fucking pain in the ass to live with, but it was also painful when I came back to our room and saw that all her things were gone except the small red backpack that she knew I liked. I heard from her only once more since then. When she was somewhere in Bolivia I think. There are so many painful memories connected to her. Jen doesn't know this I don't think but the first time Laura packed her things and left was after she had been with me in the internet cafe and I was chatting with Jen and we said I love you to each other. Laura knew that I said I love you to the teens but that day it was too much for her. She was what you might call insanely jealous. Another time I was admitedly flirting with a girl who worked in a little shop and Laura ... well I don't know how to describe it.. first she said something sarcastic like "Why don't you just keep talking to her and keep ignoring me?" Then later we were nearly physically fighting. She was trying to walk away and I was holding her and she was trying to fight me off.
P would never try to stop me when I started to walk off.
Other girlfriends would. Or they would come after me.
I remember once when Esmeralda in Quito Ecuador started walking away from me and I said Please don't go, But she did. It is still painful and we weren't even romantically involved, though I wanted to be and that is why she walked off. I had said someting about this other guy who she took up to her room the last time I saw her and then basically told me to leave. For a long time it has been extremely painful to be less important to someone than someon else. Number 2 as Steff called it, The night she cut her wrists and told me about it. I contacted her father and the emergeny service in England where I knew she lived. Bedford, England.
Saying Bedford reminds me that P mixed up what city I am from... when she said "your condo in Indianapolis" - but as I wrote elsewhere, my condos are not in Indianapolis. I told P this the last time I wrote her. I sent her three mails that day. Mostly about the femme fatale thing. Maybe it was all too much for her. Idk. I dont know how she is feeling but I worry and I feel rejected - again. And unloved. I can still say I feel love for P. If it isnt love that I feel for P then I really have never felt it for anyone. But I have said it many times.It is so easy to say. Or it used to be. But a long long time ago it wasnt easy for me to say. It was verydifficult. But I had almost no idea what it meant or could or "should" mean back then. When I said I love you to people like Carolyn Snyder or Candy Smith. Or Gretchen. Gretchen Helmig. Or Karen Karen Lynee Hansen Dobsen.Or Olga Tsybe*t. I don't spell the full name because I am still afraid of her father - who threatened me once. He was literally in the Russian army, according to Ocean and I see no reason she would lie. He is scarey. But maybe one day, probably, when I am closer to dying or suicide I will tell more of the truth about my very fucked up, painful life.
I realized again last night there is no place where I am safe. Just like for the suicidal teens.
I was in this unsafe hostel last night. A dysfunctional place. Full of lies and rules, and control. I am scared to write about it because I am scared the owner will feel vengeful and act on those feelings. So I won't say too much, but I will say I felt discriminated against and confused. About the 20 pesos to charge my laptop and about the passport copy.....I am tempted to go back and try to get some more facts but I don't need more drama in my life. I need less. Much less.
It is better to write here, with the sound of the ocean and the waves just waiting there for me when I want to get out of this tent and go put my feet in them or play in the sand, digging a hole as I did yesterday. Or drawing P or a heart.... *misses Priscilla again...
I thought of drawing her name in the sand and taking a picture.. but that seemed manipulative. Yet.. how can I let her know how much I think of her, how much I miss her....
I told her, probably more than once that I wouldnt miss her so mch if I had a replacement. I laugh a bit at that now... but I also feel emapthy for her because it probably made her feel worse, more "replaceable." She had such a low self esteem....
Right now I feel pretty safe. I am on the beach. No rules that I am aware of. Except maybe no nudity. haha. But what the hell is wrong with that? Tell me you religious people. Religion has screwed things up so much and faith just keeps ... well I dont know how to finish that but I dont feel very understood by her. She said something like but you are excluding a lot of people if you don't help teens who believe in god. haha. Well, yeah, that is true, but how many have i helped so far? and how many have helped me? how much have u helped me? I am tired of asking, begging pple to help me. pple say they love me and care about me but they don't help more than saying that. it does help but ... but....
is it really worth it to have some online friends who dont actively help me? actively spread my message? actively try to get my books in libraries and schools.
it has been what 4 years now since p and i wrote the letters book and so far not one single person has ever said i am buyng a copy of your book to donate to our local library or school or something. ... not one.
and it hurts to think of how much money pple have spent on beer and alcohol for example, like cara, for example, it actually scares me a bit to ask her to try to estimate how much she has spent on alcholo or on clothes since she found my site. i think p has spent zero on alcohol. she accepted some drinks when we were together, for example, that time she was drinking jack daniels. ha ha in ... where was it? albania i think...
she got pretty talkative!
so we used to joke about that. which for some reason reminds me of the new age lady from sweden or somewhere who p was paying to "help" her who said "so there is still that to do" - in reference to p saying she decided not to go to the university.
pple always asked p, so are you a student?
she got sick of hearing it. and often they would say is this your father? she got sick of that too. a lady from iran called her a baby once. lol. that was when p was "helping" me in my hostel in montenegro. the last time i checked it was called "nice place" now. i dont even want to check again because someone basically stole it from me and never told me they were going to keep it going under a new name without paying me anything for the business.
more painful memories....
if you havent seen it you can find the video called steve's place hostel pretty easily on youtube i think. i wont look now or get the link but it is also on eqivideos channel. that is painful to think of also because once i was asking pple to help p and i but especially p i think and no one did. no one. no ... one.
so someday if anyone ever wonders, why did he kill himself, they will be able to read and learn, if they want. i heard a quote that said something like just because the message will never be delivered doesnt mean it isnt worth sending.
sr. i am scared of sr now. and she doesnt read my site. she ... well it is too painful to talk about...
time to go out in the sun .touch the water a bit. time now is 10:42 am