Oct 15

reply i just got from irina

Hey! Sorry.. I didn't read your this msg.. i have a little time just to say im still coming.. Don't know my arrival time..
Until soon!)

my message to her was

> i am in chuy now. at the hospedaje atlantico on the uruguay side. but i
> will plan to see u at the bus station.
> right now i feel very sad. i am not sure why.
> maybe one reason is that i am afraid someting will happen and you wont
> arrive here.
> so many times i have hoped for something to happen and then it didnt happen.
> also i miss priscilla a lot. yesterday i was crying again because i miss
> her so much.
> she has not been writing to me.
> i dont know why.
> the owner of the hotel where i am staying seemed a little angry with me and
> i dont know why.
> i stayed here before and he seemed more friendly.
> when i saw him the first time to day he was on the street. i think he
> recognized me but didnt wave or smile. he just looked away like he wasn't
> happy to see me. i need to be around people who are happy to see me, who
> like to spend time with me, who care about me - not just who control me
> like the police who were searching me and my things for drugs or
> something the other day. or like the people who tell me "you cant bring
> the bike in here" when i try to walk it into the bus station in
> maldonado. a lady talked to me like i was a bad little boy. she gave me a
> lecture as if i were her son. so finally i told her "you are not my
> mother" and walked away.
> little things add up, they accumulate. do you know what i mean?
> this morning i went to the bus station to ask about the busses. i found out
> there is one coming tonight from porto alegre and there was one that came
> at 7 in the morning. i was a little afraid u were on the early bus and i
> missed you.
> so i came back to the hotel /hospedaje to check my mail... then i saw the
> owner sitting down and he didn't seem happy to see me again. he just said
> "you are staying another night?" i said yes. he said "ok then pay me now."
> then i asked him how much he would charge me for a place to put my things
> if i have to move. he told me 2,000 pesos per month. that is a lot
> because i only pay 4,500 for my whole house in colonia. so i didnt feel
> good about that and he could tell so he stared telling me why he had to
> charge so much. in other words, defending himself. so i just said ok i
> will think about it.
> and i came up to my room and i am writing this now.
> my energy level was pretty high this morning when i was making breakfast. i
> felt good here, comfortable. but now i feel a little unwelcome or at
> least unimportant and uncared about.
> there is also a hostel here for about the same price so i think tonight u
> can stay there and tomorrow i will join u there.
> i am scared because i am afraid i will be too dependent on u to listen to
> me and care about me and my problems. and i am afraid u will get tired of
> hearing about them. or u will get impatient with me and start to judge me
> or tell me what i should do or shouldnt do.
> well i am sleepy now. so i will take a nap.
> hug
> thank u again for coming.
> it will help me if u can think about what u need.
> and what worries you have, if any, about coming here.
> i find it helps a lot when people are know what they need and they can talk
> about it with the other person.
> i am interested to know more about what happened with you and the guy from
> argentina. what you like about traveling with him and what u didnt like
> and what u needed that you didnt get. or what u needed that u did get.
> i feel really lost these days. no clear direction. i dont know if i want to
> travel for a while or try to find another place to live in uruguay. there
> are a lot of things i like about uruguay. for one, i speak spanish pretty
> well now and can have some real conversations with people.
> and i like the eucalyptus trees because they remind me of my land in
> australia. i loved living there. but i needed a car or van and i cant
> stay more than 6 months at a time. so i would need another place to live.
> so i have a lot to think about....
> i was thinking about what kind of help i need. one thing i thought is that
> i need someone who cares about me but is independent. priscilla was too
> dependent on me. i like the fact that u are very independent. but i am
> afraid i will start to depend on you too much and u will leave beccause u
> need ur freedom. then i will feel alone again. so i thought it would be
> good if u can help me meet other people. i have tried very hard to meet
> people but so far i havent found them.
> i dont really want to live in a community where the people are so close the
> see each other all the time. i like to go for a whole day without talking
> to anyone sometimes because i need a lot of time alone to think.
> well im afraid it will take u a long time to read all this and u dont have
> much time because u are in a ciber cafe. or maybe u have a lot of time...
> idk that means i dont know in case u didnt see that.
> well bye for now...
> s

Oct 12

I think if you don't care about other people you shouldn't be able to vote...or if you don't know why young people use drugs or why teenagers want to kill themselves.

Te pido mil disculpas... what the guy in army clothes told me.. He said If it were up to me... but my jefe is down there.... ordenes....Disculpame.... Don't blame me. Ok, then who do we blame?

Amswer - the system. We have to change the system. It kills empathy. It mills people. It causes people to kill themselves and each other. It is not sustainable.


A mail I got yesterday...


Hi Steve,
I don't expect a response from this email. I saw the page that said you needed to take a break for a while. I understand that, the job you do sounds really hard. But please, if you ever find you have too much time on your hands can you finish reading my email?

My name is ___. I'm __ years old and for almost the past __ years I've lived in fear of my mother.
I've felt for most of my life that I've been controled by fear and guilt. Alot of the time I've felt that I was crazy, that everything I felt that was happening didn't exist or that it was too little to care about. And now looking at this I feel the one who convinced me to feel this way was my mother.
I'm in my ____ year of high school.  I don't want this to continue into my twenties,  I want out. You're not the first person I went to.  The first person was ______. She sent me to _____. I told them I wanted to move out, I told them why.  In the end the summary of what she told me was that she couldn't help me
because my problem didn't fall into one of their ___ catagories.  I feel like I have no one else to go to, like nobody will believe me, that they'll think I'm crazy. So please, I beg you,  can you help me?

(my emphasis- sph)

oct 8


got a call the other day saying i was getting kicked out of our house.







On July 27, 2014 I changed the home page to bllack saying only ....




I miss Priscilla.