EQI.org

Nov 20 Am leaving Pucon today. Decided to put a few links to my site back.

Teen Suicide, Cutting

Emotional Abuse

Respect

Listening

Invalidation

 

Nov 19 - I am changing this page from an all black background to a lighter shade of black today. For several months I have been in mourning from the loss of my partner, Priscilla. Right now I am feeling less depressed than I have been. But I feel cautious because I know how quickly I can feel depressed and suicidal again. I am in Chile now. I came here a few days ago when I realized I needed a break. I am considering moving from Uruguay where I have been living the past 3 years with Priscilla. The other day I got this message from her.

>It Might be a while longer till I can reply more fully since I got appendicitus and will prob have surgery so I'll be in hospital for a few days, but hopefully I'll be able to write soon.

I am not sure what to say about that now. I guess I am preparing myself for the possibilitly she will die and I will never see her again. I am starting to feel accepting of that possibility. She chose to leave me and to stay in an unhealthy relationship. I believe she was manipulated and I believe the relationship was abusive, but in the end I guess it was her choice. I did all I could do to help her and get her out of it. Or maybe I didn't do all I could, had I been able to practice more of my own ideas. But I couldn't and I regret that now. Still maybe nothing I would have done might have prevented what ultimately was going to happen. I may never know why she made the choices she did. All I know for sure is how I felt and what I need. If I keep thinking about it I will get sadder and sadder so I might stop writing about it. Or I might continue. IDK.

Yes, I will stop. And instead write about someone else. A new teenager who wrote me a few days ago. She has helped me feel less alone, more understood, more valued, more cared about, more needed and more empathized with. She will probably disappear, maybe very soon, but for now it has been helpful to receive her mails and chat with her. So thank you to her.

Here in Chile a lot has been happening. I have been very depressed, but I have also been meeting a lot of people. It seems more interesting than Uruguay so far. The scenery in this tourist town, Pucon, is the kind found in post cards. But in the hostel there have been some people who I only want to get away from. So I have spent a lot of my time alone in my room, sleeping or trying to with all the noise. I have gone to a few schools and seen some things which caused me pain. I was starting to feel powerless and then I reminded myself of my own theory, for example the HPET theory and I got up and did some work on a web page where I wrote some things and did some searches. xx

So for now I guess I will start to put the home page back together again, though it pains me to do so... I don't think my life will ever return to the way it was before Priscilla left me She never knew how important she was to me. Some of that was my fault and some was the result of her low self-esteem. I really valued her and I grew to love her in a way I have never loved or cared about anyone else before. She was always afraid I would leave her so it is ironic to say the least that she is the one who ended up leaving me. I had been feeling more confident about our relationship when it ended so abruptly. I cried and cried and cried from the loss, pain, confusion, heartache.

Here in Chile I have shown some people the book of letters from the teenagers who cut. There has been a lot of interest in it so far, which has been encouraging. I have had several reminders that it is healthy for me to talk to people. Today I was talking to people nearly all day for example and I didn't feel depressed or suicidal. I feel more able to handle the noise and dysfunction of the hostel tonight. Maybe I will go back out again tonight. Things almost always seem to happen when I go out.

Today the hostel manager loaned me his bike and I rode with him and a guy from Spain to a nice spot at a river. Then we rode thru some trees and bright yellow flowers on a dirt path. I smile now to think about it. We talked about education, society, suicide etc. Things I like to talk about. I was thinking about leaving this hostel but ended up staying another night. Sometimes I really wonder if there is some kind of reason for the things which happen to me, like the new age people like to say. I wish I understood everything or that thngs somehow made sense or I knew what the reason was for the things that happen to me, including all the pain I have suffered. Pain that I would not want anyone to suffer. Not for any reason. I think we can learn things without so much pain. I think I have learned enough. I really don't think I need to learn anymore. I could easily spend the rest of my life just telling people what I have learned so far without ever learning something new. But it seems I can not stop learning new things, or can not stop suffering pain, heartbreak and disappointment. It seems I am not in control of my life. I used to think I was. I thought I could do pretty much whatever I want. So feeling so powerless is something relatively new for me. Things changed a lot, you might say completely when I started caring about people, especially about teenagers.