EQI Topics List
August 28 - I am reading this http://www.school-survival.net/about/my_school/my_fightback.php
SoulRiser wrote it when she was around 16 years old. I felt so sad reading it I started to cry and had to stop.
So few people see things as clearly as she did.
Which makes me think again of Priscilla. Priscilla would understand and agree with everything SR wrote. Or I feel 99 pereent sure she would.
Yesterday I had a long chat with Priscilla's younger brother. It was interesting. I am not sure what else to say about it now. I think I might stop writing to Priscilla. I haven't felt much motivation to write to her since August 26.
Today I got a letter from Steve Brewer. We used to be friends. I just deleted the email and didn't open it. That is pretty much what has happened with P and I. I don't know if she actually just deletes my emails sometimes without reading them. I feel pain again from the memory that her - more pain now as I start to write the word "friends" - have been reading my letters. And pain from the fact they didn't tell me. They didn't help me at all. Zero Nada. Zilch.
I feel pain. Resentful. So I ask myself the question, what is my unmet emotional need? Or what are my unmet emotional needs? I wish P would have written me everytime she felt pain last year when she was in so much pain from what Angela told her. Maybe that would have changed things. Instead she just stopped writing to me. We have different ways of "coping" or expressing our pain. But we have both been in a lot of pain.
I wrote yesterday that maybe I am better off without Priscilla. But that doesn't work for me today. If you have been reading my site for years, like Cara, who is the only one who has been reading my site for years who wrote me yesterday, then you know who Amy is. Or I think Cara knows. I would like to talk to Cara right now. In person. Maybe she and I will meet some day and I will give her the Priscilla test and ask her how much she feels cared about by me, controlled by me, accepted by me, judged by me, lectured to by me, safe with me, respected by me. admired by me. I am sure that these feelings represent vitally important chemicals in our brains and bodies. And I am sure that if we could measure them formally as I try to do informally my theories would be "validated." And when I write that I think of P again because she used to say that the part she liked the most of my site was the part on invalidation. I don't know how much she feele invalidated these days. Or how much she feels understood. I left that off the list. I miss Cara now. Cara is one of my only connections to my past. When I was talking to a lot of depressed teens pretty much everyday. I talk to Laura sometimes. But we don't talk much about feelings. She probably doesn't feel very accepted by me. It pains me so much she is still in England, for example. She knew how I felt about it. It pains me that Cara is still in New Zealand, but not as much. I don't have as much against the New Zealand culture. I actually liked NZ pretty well, except it was... too British. Sorry Laura if you read this and anyone from the UK. P understood why I didn't like or even hated the British culture, and the American culture. P understood so much. It was nice to feel understood and important to someone. In my own bad way I have been trying, among other things, to communicate to P how important she is or was to me and to the world. She still is important to the world. I was thinking today that I probably am one of the most important people in the world because I understand so much. And P is probably one of the other most important people in the world. Most valuable in terms of a potential contribution to humanity. I know some people will judge me. So I say fuck you to them.
Which reminds me of SoulRiser's writing as a teen. I didn't know her back then but I am sure I would have liked her or loved her and done what I could to free her and protect her.
Here is a quote from that page...
You rock SR, that is about all I need to say.
What is sad is that the people in town and in the world don't actually want to know what liars people are. They want to believe everything is ok and it is just the teenager who has the problem. The sensitive, intelligent teenager who is conscious and sees through the lies.
Necklaces. The school was so worried about necklaces. wow. These are not educated people. They are domesticated, to put it nicenly. So anyhow that is about all I want to say for now I think. Thanks for reading. Hug to P if you want one.
And btw I have been thinking of ways I can still help you. For example, send you someone else who maybe would be a better listener and friend than me. Like this 17 year old teen I have been talking to. She is bi. haha. So maybe all of you could get along.
I don't know if you would say I was just being sarcastic or hurtful. I don't really feel hurtful. I feel more loving. I always liked to tease you. I always liked to tease all the girls I liked. Ever since grade school.
I am sorry I made such a mess of things.
btw your brother kept calling you "his sister." For me that is kind of funny, like you are his possession and not your own person. He lectured to me a little bit and judged me a little but overall he was pretty ok to talk to. He was a bit or a lot skeptical of everything but he did say "thank you for your concern" at the end of our chat. He also said he would respect your wishes or decisions or something as far as him talking more to me. So I was kind of impressed by that. He seemed ok to me. He also said he hasn't been in communication with you much. He felt a little bad about that and said he would try to reach you and ask how you were doing. I kind of wanted to give him or offer him some tips on how to talk to you.
I still kind of want to. He was almost my brother in law. He has never been trained in how to listen. I feel pretty sure that he doesn't know you as well as I do, which is sad and a lot like my family. I feel sad and pain from the fact you and I made so much progress on a new way to communicate and now we aren't communicating at all. I thought of writing to him and suggesting he asking you feeling questions like how much do you feel lectured to by me from 0-10? I'm not sure how he would go for that. I guess I am going to just kind of leave things alone for now. I feel fairly satisfied I have done about all I can to try to help you and try to get my own needs met. I thought of sending you a copy of the chat. I also thought of telling you I would show it to you if you agreed to meet me. That seems a bit controlling or manipulative, I think you would agree. As would most people reading this. So I ask myself am I feeling more conrolling or more caring and I guess it is more controlling when I think of it that way. But my feelings go back and forth. Sometimes I feel more caring. At least I know that it matters. Like when I used to suggest to people on school surival to start by saying how they were feeling when they started writing a post. Too bad I didn't follow that advice myself. But I forgive myself pretty much. It would be nice if you forgave me one day but it isn't really necessary. I am pretty much giving up on trying to get any of my needs met by you except maybe the need to learn from this - I was thinking about that today. What did we learn from all of this? Did we learn anything that could help prevent such a thing in the future? Which reminds me of air crash investigations. I don't really know why you weren't interested in how our relationship crashed. It seems more important than a plane full of strangers. I imagine you would say you didn't have time to think about it and when I think that I feel pain because I know what happened to your time. And I know that you have never really acknowledged what happened to it. Or to me at least it seems you haven't. It hurts you never answered my question when I asked you how you would divide up the responsibility for all of this. There were 3 people involved. You, me and Angela. It seems simpler than a plane crash. Now I feel pain from the thought that maybe it was too simple for you. I feel pain from the fact that you were attracted to complicated things. I feel pain from feeling inferior to you, not superior as I always tried so hard to feel. I told your brother that I didn't treat you very (I actually just wrote his name then realized it and corrected it) well. He brought that up later - but first I want to say that I told him I thought you were being abused by Angela. I said it was an abusive relationship and you let yourself be abused by people - So anyhow, he asked me later to explain more what I meant. I said I had ignored you, walked away from you, made you feel stupid, for example.
I told him about the time I was treating you badly in Kolasin when we had camped that night in the woods and you cut yourself in the morning while I sat next to you. I told him I felt really bad when I looked over and saw your bloody arm. Then he gave me some little lecture and judged me. It was kind of funny cuz he said "I can't judge you..." or something, but then did. haha
I had told him I worked with depressed teens and that is how we met. So he "threw that back at me" so to speak and said something like if I work with depressed teens then I should know better or something. Today I thought of telling him that he and his family didn't do such a good job of treating you when you lived with him and I thought of telling him not to say "to be fair..." like he used to when he would debate with you. And I thought of telling him how you were planning to kill yourself if things didn't work out with me when we met, rather than go back home. I didn't feel very appreciated by him, let's say. But ok, as they say in Brazil. I liked how accepting people are in Brazil Actually too accepting. They accept corruption, abuse for example. But ok. haha. That is how it is in this year 2015. Supposedly 2,000 + years after the birth of one of your favorite mythological heros. (P is a very firm atheist btw in case you other folks didn't know it. That is one thing I like about her. Or should I say liked? Idk. It is kind of like she is dead now. But kind of like she isn't. )
I really miss talking to Priscilla. She actually said she missed talking to me too back around November or December before I couldn't take anymore pain from her emails and asked her to stop writing. I don't know she felt about that. I did tell her to write me if she were feeling self-destructive or suicidal and she never did. I don't know if that means she wasn't feeling those since then or she didn't want to tell me.
I guess I tried to hard to help both P and Angela last year. I wanted to help Angela get away from her abusive mother and I wanted to help P by sending her a friend and someone who would help her type and other things that were painful for P because of her joint hypermobility syndrome problems. I tried to do too much I guess you could say. I was too ambitious, like Ceasar or however you spell it. So anyhow I guess that is it for today.
August 27 - Thank you to the people who wrote me. It means a lot to me. And thank you to the person, the teen, who I chatted with last night, who sent me some of her writing today. I won't say her name because I don't want her to be identified. She lives with very abusive and neglectful parents. It helped me to talk to her last night. And I talked with some teens I met in Brazil. I will go back to Brazil soon. I felt so much more valued there. I feel bad about what I posted yesterday, but more at peace. I made it through the night ok and today I am feeling fairly productive. I am getting some help with my teen suicide prevention work. I have written a short list of suggestions for school directors who want to do something immediately to help depressed teens and so far two people have helped me translate it to Portuguese. I made a lot of friends, at least Facebook friends in Brazil. More in 3 months than I made in the past 3 years. I don't like Facebook but it is helping me know. I feel less alone when people read my posts and "like" them. Brazil is like the USA of Souch America. It is kind of like the USA was in the 50's or 60's. When there was a lot of money and a lot of marketing of needless, wasteful products. They really like English in Brazil. I went to lots of English schools and I had a chance to really express myself and a lot of people listened to me. I feel sad that Priscilla can't be a part of my life and feel some happiness from me getting some of my needs met and people liking a lot of my ideas. But anyhow there is a lot of work to be done. I am really glad I missed my flight to Europe and ended up staying in Brazil. I used to tell Priscilla I was running out of countries to go to. Then I ended up in Brazil by accident. Nothing special happened on the way to Sao Paulo where I was to get a plane to Amsterdam, but after I visited my first school and a girl cried after my talk and told the English teacher she had been thinking of killing herself for the past year because her mother didn't accept her being a lesbian, things changed. Etched in my mind are the faces of the girls I saw who were crying or too scared to cry and who told me they have thought of killing themselves. I am more committed to this work than ever before. I saw clearly that no one is helping these teens. There are lots and lots of nice people in Brazil. They are not totally corrupted yet. I think it has become my new favorite country. But anyhow, even though there are lots of nice people, they don't understand teen suicide. They don't see what is wrong with American society, which they are following step by step. I met one teenage guy in particular who I really connected with. He has learned English on his own and speaks it better than people his age who go to a private English school. We talk almost daily. I am very impressed by him. But time will tell if we stay friends. I failed the Priscilla test. But at least I know it is important. And I believe one day I could pass the Priscilla test. It will be up to her to let me take it again. I realized today that actually maybe my life is really better off without her. That sounds harsh and I don't mean it in harsh or hurtful way. But maybe it really is. She was very pessimistic. She wasnt committed to helping me or helping teens. She is helping Angela now and maybe others. I still believe in her. I still admire her. I still respect her. She is still the most wonderful woman I ever met.. She is very messed up and needs a lot of help. You can write to her if you want to offer your help by finding her contact info on her website, www.whatdepresses.me. If you can pass the Priscilla test you are a rare person. The world, and Priscilla, needs people like you. If you want to know more about the Priscilla test, you can write me and I will explain more if anything isn't clear. I don't really remember just what I wrote! But I know it is important. It is life and death.
August 26 2015 Note - I need help. I am in so much pain from Priscilla not talking to me. She is not replying to my mails. She did not acknowledge my birthday last month. I don't know who to talk to. She is the only one who understood me enough to be able to talk to her. She knows why I am in pain. She is not helping me at all. I need someone to help me. But there is no one here. It has been over a year since I saw Priscilla. I am in so much pain. I don't know what to do. She doesn't want me to write about her and Angela on my site. But where else, how else can I express my pain with any hope of getting some understanding and empathy? She has offered no suggestions. No empathy. No support. Now she seems to feel justified in not talking to me. She doesn't seem to regret not replying to my mails. Abandoning me. Replacing me and leaving me alone. She doesn't seem to think either she or Angela did anything to contribute to my pain. Angela has never apologized to me for what she did. P has only apologized half-heartedly, let's say. Now she doesn't seem to feel apologetic at all. But instead justified and resentful towards me for trying to get a response from her. I am afraid I am going insane from the pain. I don't know how to control it, how to stop it. It is too much even for my own theories. It is too much for me to handle alone. But there is no one here. I have not talked to another live human in two days now. I need to get out of here and go back to Brazil. But I don't know how I can make it through the night. I need to pack, organize things more. I want to prepare the place better in case there is a flood while I am gone. I can't find a knife I left here. I wonder if someone came in and stole it. Other pepole have the key to this place since I just rent it.
I am tired of living here. I have lost interest in things I used to like to do. A lot of it was just distracting myself I suppose. And too many memories of Priscilla being here with me. She has moved on. She has been in places that I was never in with her. Or at least as far as I know. She is distracted by Angela and her problems. The stress got so high I was yelling over relatively small things today. I am having problems with this new piece of shit Acer laptop that I bought in a hurry before I left for what was supposed to be my trip to Europe in May. The cursor freezes and the touchpad goes inactive.
I don't even know what country Priscilla is in. I don't know if her health is better or worse. I don't know what is happening with Angela. I don't know if she is better or worse. I don't know who Priscilla's new friends are. They evidently have been reading my letters without talking to me. I feel totally uniformed about what is happening. I ask myself if I am really that bad of a person, if my life is really so worthless. I ask myself what happened. I ask over and over and over. I tell myself, this can't be real. This can't be happening. I want to wake up from this nightmare.
Here is some writing I did this morning..
May 26 - Update to Empathy
EQI topics include:
Abuse | Anger | Caring | Caring vs. Control | Common Painful Feelings | Conflict Resolution | Cutting/Self Harm | Depression | Education | Emotional Abuse | Emotional Intelligence | Emotional Needs | Empathy | Hein Painful Emotions Technique | Invalidation | Listening | Love | Mail from Readers | Motivation | Needs vs. Rights | Pain | Parenting | Peace | Respect | Romantic Relationships | Teen Suicide | Understanding ....
Here is a more complete list of topics.
|About EQI | Contact|
|Are you in relationships where it is
dangerous to tell the truth?
was in this kind of relationship with my last partner,
Priscilla. I was afraid to tell her things I thought or
knew would hurt her, for example if I were attracted to
another woman. She was afraid to tell me things that she
knew or thought would hurt me, for example, that she
didn't like traveling or camping or living in Australia
or Uruguay. She was also afraid to tell me some of the
things she was working on. She was afraid I would judge
her or disapprove. In the United States I learned how to
judge others. I am still trying to "unlearn"
that and be more accepting and understanding.
I guess that is all I will say for today.
ok - thanks for the reply.
experience has taught me that for me to work with someone
we need to have similar values, beliefs, and goals.
> > hi amanda