Steve Hein's EQI.org

Abuse | Anger |Caring | Caring vs. Control | Common "Negative" or Painful Feelings | Conflict Resolution

Cutting, Self Harm | Depression | Education (Alternative education reading list) | Emotional Abuse

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Support | Emotionally Intelligent Alternative Society | Empathy | Feeling Words | Free PDFs From EQI | Hein Painful

Emotions Technique Hugs | Invalidation | Letters from the Unloved Book | Library & Bookstore | Listening | Love

Mail from Readers | Needs vs. Rights | Pain | Parenting | Personal Growth | Punishment | Respect | Romance

Steve's Personal Stories from Around the World | Teen Suicide | Understanding |

Here is a more complete list of topics

Letter to Dani - Dec 1

hug

how are u feeling?

i was feeling really bad last night. mostly pain in my back and leg. im pretty sure it is my sciatic nerve

it just comes and goes. but when it hurts i cant find a comfortable position. not sitting, standing, laying down or walking

have u talked to nikki?

she sounds really close to giving up.

im still not sure what is true. but she keeps saying things like good bye, remember i love u

and i just watched this stupid ted talk by some fucking psychologist about depression.

he thinks the answers are exercise, eating differently, moving around, being in the sunshine, and talking to people face to face.

he doesnt mention getting away from abusive, neglectful parents or toxic schools and bullies

have u heard this:

to a hammer, everything looks like a nail

so if u study the brain, all cures are things u can do individually to change ur brain chemicals.

so in other words u can take drugs, as some say, or u can do all the things he listed -- individually - to change ur brain functioning.

he does say experience changes the brain.

but he doesnt say shitty experiences fuck it up.

he also says not to "ruminate" - ie think a long time about something "negative"

same old shit.

he doesnt listen to abused teenagers.

Nov 29 - "Schools were never designed to meet the needs of children or teenagers." S. Hein

Nov 29 - Here is the most recent letter I wrote to Jon at Skyscanner

Hi Jon,

I am feeling a lot of pain from this.

I will continue to offer you things I have learned that I believe are of value.

One is expressing feelings clearly and directly.

Another is caring about how others feel.

Another is using numbers with feelings.

By the way, I work with suicide prevention. I specialize in teenagers

If you ever have a family member or friend who has a teen who is depressed or suicidal I am willing to share my experience with you. I have listened to suicidal teens for about 20 years now.

Also, I would like to offer you the idea of highly sensitive people if you have not heard of it already. I consider myself to be one of those. Some research has been done on this. I believe it is useful to know about.

I can only guess how you are feeling now. I am guessing you don't really want to know how I am feeling.

I believe it is important that you do know. So we have a conflict.

You want to move on, stop talking to me, I guess. You are unwilling to try to help me anymore, I guess.

You don't feel much appreciation for what I have shared with you, I guess. I guess you feel resentful rather than appreciative.

I guess you might feel a little judgmental as opposed to understanding and forgiving.

At least I feel unforgiven and not very understood.

I wonder if you have heard the expression "Tout comprende, tout pardoner"

"To understand all is to forgive all."

I offer that to you now.

We are not taught about our feelings or our emotional needs in school. We learn how to avoid talking about them. I don't believe this works well.

I have suffered a lot from not knowing how to express my feelings or to listen to someone else to understand their feelings and feel empathy for them.

I believe change comes from empathy or empathy is the first step to change.

I am afraid you don't feel much empathy for me now. So that is one reason I want to let you know I was feeling a lot of pain from this when I woke up this morning.

Thank you for reading.

S.




--

Nov 24, 2018 - I don't have anyone to talk to ... so I will write... It is painful, though, to write when what I need is to talk to someone. Someone who is a good listener. Someone who cares. Someone who will help me. I have been looking for people like this for a very long time now. I thought I found one recently, I thought I found one in May or June, too. I have given up on that one. I will call her C. Ayer I needed to talk to someone. I will call her D. Or SD. She said she was busy cleaning the house. She said: "I can call you tonight". That was very painful. She didn't know how much pain I was in before she wrote that. And she didn't remember to ask how ok it would be if she kept cleaning and called me back at night. She didn't ask how I was feeling or how I felt about her message. I need people who ask me "how ok" and who ask me how I feel and how I would feel about things. I guess I could have written back, "I am feeling suicidal," but that is too aggressive for me. I would have just killed myself ayer instead of writing that I think.

It is hard to explain why I would choose to kill myself rather than tell someone who cares about me more than most people, maybe even more than anyone, that I am feeling suicidal. I guess it is because I need to feel important to someone. I seems to me that if you are important to someone they will want to know how you are feeling and how you would feel about different things that affect you before they do them.

I wrote about this around 22 years ago when I wrote about respect. But I need more than respect. I need to feel cared about, valued, important. I believe we all need the same things. I think I am just more aware of these needs than most people, and maybe I have a greater need for them because things like distracting myself don't work as well or as easily as they do for other people, for example.

I have been talking to people who work as employees or "wage slaves" at three different big companies. Paypal, Airbnb and Skyscanner. It has become clearer to me how dehumanizing daily life is for more and more people. They are told to lie, for example. They are put in situations where they must defend abusive and uncaring people. I will ask to talk to a supervisor and they will say "They are all in a meeting."

Now I just walked around this hotel a little and saw 4 girls, around age 10 I suppose, playing foosball.

Learning to be more competitive.

They will make good university students. Good wage slaves.

Earlier someone came up to me and said "Bon Dia. Qual e o numero de seu quarto?" What is your room number?

Maybe I could have tried to say to her, "Could you ask me how I am feeling? Are you interested? Do you care?"

Maybe I could have taken out my knife and started to cut my wrist, like I did in 2011 when Priscilla said "One more reason to hate Australia."

There is giving up and there is suicide. Two different, but related things. I guess I write when I am close to giving up. Which is close to suicide.

For me, it doesnt make much sense to keep living once you have given up. If I am not contributing, what I m doing? What is my purpose? What is my value?

For a long time I have realized how little anyone values me. Priscilla valued me for a while, then left me. Now she doesn't talk to me. Hasn't forgiven me.

Then there is the guy at Skyscanner. Nice guy. Will he forgive me? Keep talking to me? Value me enough to read my emails? Or my writing about him? Or about understanding and customer service or "customer satisfaction". Those words hurt because he has been given a title. They say "titulo" in Spanish and Portuguse. Titulo also means a degree in Spanish and Pt. So anyhow, his titulo is something like Director of Customer Satisfaction. But I am a customer, or I think I am. I don't know if he agrees. Long story. But he hasn't asked how satisfied I feel. Or how understood.

One day, maybe, people will be talking about these things more directly.

Maybe.

qual o número do seu quarto

July 9 - Took a pain killer for some pain in my leg. It worked. For a while. But the pain came back. Because it didn't stop what was causing the pain.

Am hosting a traveler from Japan. -more

May 5 - Been feeling unimportant, uncared about, alone, a little suicidal.

Mar 23 - If you don't ask, you don't care | Forgot to ask me how I feel

Mar 5

Feb 26 No results found for "are psychology professors mentally healthy?". I believe we need to be asking this quesiton. And I personally believe the answer is often "no, they are not." S. Hein

Feb 9, 2018 - Inspiring military march - The joke called the MSCEIT emotional intelligence test | Empathy, Listening, Ajar | Acceptance, Security, Support, Change

Feb 3, 2018 Would an educated person hit a child or drink Coca Cola? | Caring vs Control - Gmail's password resetting system

If you love someone, you want them to be free. | Emotionally abused, emotional genius

Feb 2, 2018 Can psychology professors talk about their feelings? What does someone need when they feel...

Recent items continued... | Search EQI.org | Contact Steve

Other recent items - Jan 25 We are being controlled by people who don't care about us.

Depression is a social illness - not a mental illness

Jan 19 - Update to Phidish page - the word "mitigated" - Also, "jobs for depressed teenagers"

Jan 17 - Upwork.com - Katerina's first article for EQI

Dec 26 Gabor Mate Video - What he says supports most of what I say on this site.

Writing about feeling cared about and teen suicide (on Paulish.net)

Phidish New blog entry (pw is 123)

 
   

 

 

July 9 - Am hosting a traveler from Japan. -more He told me he knew people who were best friends. They spent all their time together stuyding so they could pass the university entrance exam. When they both passed it their parents said, "Now you can do anything you want." They decided what they wanted to do was kill themselves. So they did.

He also told me when he was in high school he didn't pay attention in class. He put in his earphones. The teachers got tired of taking his cell phone and eventually left him alone.

 

Journal

If you would like to read my personal journal, please write me. Steve

Also, I have been thinking a lot about my conflict with people who work for the state government in Delaware, USA. It helps me to talk to people about it. If you are willing to listen to what I have to say about it, I would appreciate it. You can write me at the above email address. Thanks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feb 20 - Thinking about movie Buck. Did some searches on one of the places used in the movie sullivanfarmhanoverians.com and then found a site selling horses. Here is a search I did to see how many horses were for sale over 50,000

horseclicks.com....