Nelia

EQI.org Home \| Teen Suicide \| Emotional Abuse Nelia Nelia is a teen in a non-English speaking country. We had the chance to chat a couple of times so far so I've made some notes from our chats and emails. March 6 update -- Her first letter to EQI Letter to Nelia from Steve Some links for Nelia and Other Teens Imaginary Conversation With Parents Other notes, etc are below Why I have been helping Nelia	EQI.org Home Page Core Components of EQI.org Other EQI.org Topics: Emotional Intelligence \| Empathy Emotional Abuse \| Understanding Emotional Literacy \| Feeling Words Respect \| Parenting \| Caring Listening \| Invalidation \| Hugs Depression \|Education Personal Growth Search EQI.org \| Support EQI.org EQI.org Library and Bookstore Online Consulting, Counseling Coaching from EQI.org

Her first letter to EQI I've read your page for 3 days now. And I honestly don't know why I'm writing this email. Maybe I'm just looking for someone to talk to. I'll be grateful if you're willing to listen to me. Maybe... I'm invalidated, I knew it after I read your site. But, I'm not sure, I can't even trust my own feelings right now. And my problem isn't as big as other teenagers who cut themselves. Not that I've never tried. You see, I am myself and my family are a mess. I really don't know where to start explaining... I'm sorry I can't explain it better to you. I'll be grateful if you give me a reply. Thank you for the trouble
Letter to Nelia from Steve I believe most of what I say here will apply to many teens who feel depresssed. She did a little assignment for me about guilt-trips so that is what I refer to in the first sentence. -- i know u are worried about whether u did it "right" - i dont want to be like a teacher at school and have u very afraid of me not approving of something u did. the most important thing in life is how u feel about what u do, not how others feel. but it is is almost impossible for you to know how you feel without being affected by those in your family, especially in what i will call a traditional, dysfunctional family. do you know what dysfunctional means more or less? and how do u feel when i say your family is dysfunctional? most families are, in one way or the other, i have found, but yours is worse than average. the country you live in is very male dominated and also very traditional and "old fashioned". it is good you have learned English becuse it will help you rise above your culture and family. please keep reading my site and other sites in english about emotional abuse. i am afraid you will feel disloyal to your family or something like that when i talk about emotional abuse, so i want to explain that i don't believe they are "bad" or "evil" people, but they have emotional problems and those problems now affect you in a serious way. it will be important for you to work hard at separating your feelings about yourself from their feelings about you. i can see that they don't accept you for who you are and your choices and preferences and values. It hurts to be rejected by those who nature has designed to protect you and support you emotionally. separating from your family emotionally is a long and painful process, but it is worth it in the long run. it is good you are aware of how they treat you now and of how you feel about how they treat you. but back to your assignment. we talked about your fear that I would not be satisfied, and you would lose me as a friend, so I want to tell you that i am satisfied and we are still friends :) -- but what is most important is how you feel about it. the problem is when you come from an emotionally abusive or emotionally unhealthy family, you will almost never feel satisfied of your own work. this is a very sad thing. you can do work which is very good by other people's standards, yet you won't feel satisfied or deserving of compliments. this is what your family has done to you. it is not because there is something "wrong" with you. the problem is your family. it is critically important to believe that and remind yourself over and over and over.
After she read my letter to her, this is the first thing she said: i've been waiting for a long time for someone to say that to me Then I said Llike what in particular were u waiting for? Her reply: like they're in wrong way of treating me and there isnt something wrong with me
Links for Nelia and other teens -- It's not about me http://eqi.org/guilt_trips2.htm I don't hate myself. Guilt trips selfish why dont you decoding Mothers of Difficult Daughters - I add this because I am afraid Nelia, like many teens, thinks she is partly to blame for her mother's inability to be an emotionally competent parent. EIPD Strength from your beliefs
Nelia said a friend yelled at her but wouldn't explain why she was angry. So I thought of this suggestion. Try to guess what the other person is feeling and say, "so you felt ___ when I didn't.....?" If they are not a true friend, they will probably not like you trying to guess their feelings. They will probably deny when you come close to the real feeling. They probably want you to feel guilty. And they probably don't want to take responsibility for their own feelings or unmet needs.
Emotional Pain Journal I suggested to N that she keep an "emotional pain journal" to document all the hurtful things people say and do to her.
Observation - Nelia uses the word "should" a lot. Asks people what they think she "should" do. Example: What do you think I should do with my friends. My answer -- First, I'd like you to read this page about the word "should"... Next - the "friends" thing... see below
Steve: i'd also say that it could help u to think of them as ur classmates not ur friends. in a few years i suspect u will go different ways and u will look back and see they were not real friends at all. i want to help u see what a real friend is steve: actually u probably have a good idea. and u would make a good friend. but u havent found pple like that. if u want u can do another mini assignment sometime and tell me what u think a real friend is and how ur friends are not like that
About Giving Advice In my training class to be a suicide prevention phone counselor they told us the first three rules are 1. Don't give advice 2. Don't give advice 3. Don't give advice The reason is that it makes people dependent on you and also it is not your life and they are the ones responsible for their decisions. And you help them grow by helping them answer their own questions. Another problem is that if someone doesn't follow your advice, you could feel frustrated or rejected in the sense they rejected your advice.
General Guideline - Try to express your feelings specifically, even if the other person won't tell you theirs. If they don't accept your feelings, it will help you realize more quickly they are not your real friends. Then slowly distance yourself from them psychologically as much as possible. See summary of how to develop your ei - especially number 10 Practice what I call emotional literacy.
Now we are talking about her classmates judging her and intimidating her with their judgments and disapproval. She said she feels deserving of their disapproval though so I asked why. She told me she feels guilty about something at school and I asked. "Do they try harder to make u feel guilty or to understand why you do what you do?"
Her Classmates Sound Self-Righteous So I wanted to say this.... btw do u know the term "self-righteous" - because some of ur classmates seem to feel that way- as if they are somehow superior to u. this usually means they have an unmet emotional need to feel superior and they are using u to try to meet that need.
It seems Nelia has been weakened by her family and they are taking advantage of her condition, as animals will go after the weakest and most vulnerable when they are hungry.
Imaginary Conversation With Parents I had this idea for N. What if she were to have an imaginary conversation from her parents... what would she say to them if she knew they were going to listen, care and not judge her or invalidate her? IE if she felt 100%safe to tell them? (And family members) And what would she like them to say? --- For example to start.. mom i want to tell u that when u_____ i feel ____ and when u _______ i fet______
March 6 update I am chatting with Nelia now. I have a plan. I have a plan to document her story better than any story I have ever documented. To me she is something like Anne Franke. She is trapped inside a small space, surrounded by some people who don't understand her and some who would hurt her if they found out the truth. She might be suffering even more than Anne Franke in fact. Could Anne Franke express her true feelings to her father and mother or those inside that attic? I think at times she did and at times she didn't. But obviously she could write them. Nelia's identity must not be revealed. Possibly never. But she exists. I believe her 100%. I have seen photos. I have sent her text messages. One day I will call her to confirm even more she is who she says she is. I want as many people in the world to know the truth about intelligent, sensitive people like Nelia. And I want the laws to change. They need to change to save lives.

One reason I am posting a lot of this chat is to help people see my "counseling" style. I want people around the world to learn from what I do. I believe the way I talk to teens is very effective in getting them to open up and helpful to them.

Mar 6 Chat steve: just a sec Nelia: take your time steve: is than an order? ha ha Here is more reading for you... to help with your English... ha ha Princess Anne: it's a suggestion ha ha steve: oh is it? steve: wait to u read this... steve: www.eqi.org/imperatives.?htm Princess Anne: okay Princess Anne: file not found steve: http://eqi.org/imperatives.htm Princess Anne: it is an order then haha steve: lol
steve: also can u please change ur name to nelia so i dont have to keep changing it when i post things... (I temporarily changed it to Princess Anne for this section to make sense) Princess Anne: sure, do you want me to change it now? steve: yeah plz Princess Anne: okay Nelia joined the chat steve: hi nelia steve: welcome steve: oops we lost Princess Anne! (Then she appeared again.. along with Nelia) steve: no, she is back! how the heck can that be?? lol Nelia: lol (then she "leaves" again) steve: ah she is gone - good. we are free to talk about her!
I have just talked to N a few times and already I see a pattern- she is afraid of people being disappoined in her. I feel so frustrated when I think about what has been done to her to cause that fear. Children are not born with the fear of people being disappointed in them. Disappointment is something adults do to children and teens. Notice that her first feeling was not appreciation, for example A person whose self-esteem had not been so damaged would very likely have said "Thank you."
Nelia: im so lonely. Nelia: like im alone and no one helps me Nelia: or listen or try to understand Nelia: they always attacked me and became defensive if i said something they didnt like Nelia: and i cant fight back Nelia: for example, they will say something like 'you should be happy.' or 'no one hurts you' Nelia: and i will actually believe them steve: yeah - hug steve: i hope u will stop believing them from now on. Nelia: hug back Nelia: i'll try steve: when u believe them u are hurting and possibily even killing urself Nelia: that makes me not trust my own feelings Nelia: i am hurting myself in my mind Nelia: i imagined cutting myself in my mind Nelia: dont have the courage to really do it. Nelia: and im afraid they'll find out lol steve: yeah - hug
steve: i want to go back to when u said "you dont have to do that" steve: i suspect u also felt undeserving Nelia: hug back steve: or unworthy of my time and energy Nelia: yup Nelia: cause i dont have anything special in me Nelia: for you to waste your time and energy like that steve: how would u feel if i said i feel hatred for the pple that made u believe u dont have anything special in u? Nelia: part of happy of course Nelia: cause you believe i do have something special in me steve: how else do u feel? Nelia: well, they really love me and you dont know that. that makes me kind of sad steve: k anything else?
The next part of our chat I can not post because it could reveal her identity if her family were to read it. And this makes me wonder, how many teens live in fear around the world? And what is this doing to society? What are we losing? How many more lives will be lost? How many souls will be murdered, how many psychological identiies will be stolen or beaten into oblivion and lost forever? How much creativity is lost? How much imagination? How much motivation? How much contribution to the world?
assignment take a drama from your family or school or friends and "decode" it - ie list how they were feeling, how they wanted you to feel, what their unmet needs were list also how they could have expressed themselves in an emotionally literate way and how you would have responded if you felt safe to - also using feeling words.
steve: i get so frustrated sometimes with my strong feelings i yell as loud as i can or hit the bed or throw something like rocks against the wall. Nelia: wow, i cant express myself like that steve: what do u do when u are very very frustrated or "angry"? Nelia: just 1, cry steve: (now i want to move to the role of teacher and ask if u have read my writing on anger) Nelia: i've never raised my voice to anyone Nelia: anger, no steve: ok could u please read it now? Nelia: sure steve: eqi.org/anger.htm i think steve: k thanks. it is good the catholic school taught u to be obedient. ha ha Nelia: haha
This is in reference to something which her family did. steve: how upset were u from 0-10 about what happened? Nelia: 5 cuz i'm used to it.
I am wondering how her mother would react if N said to her - look mom, i will be able to move out soon. and when i do i dont necessarily ever have to talk to u again if i dont want to. so please think about that for a long time and let me know if you want me to keep talking to u.
steve: have u ever written ur mother a letter with any of your feelings or thoughts? steve: cuz i am thinking of a little experiment.... Nelia: yeah, i've tried it once Nelia: but i immediately lose my courage when i think of her reaction steve: when was the time? Nelia: i still think that she will get defensive if i tell her Nelia: about ___ ago steve: tell me about it Nelia: well, i tried to tell her my feelings about her relationship in the letter Nelia: but i never delivered it to her
steve: how would u feel about me helping u write another one? I ask her this because I believe it is very helpful to start a written dialogue with parents. This helps for a couple of reasons. - You can think carefully about what you say. - They can also think carefully. - You can keep written doumentation. This can be useful later in different ways. - You can study their replies and learn from them. - You can share them with other teens and with teen advocates.
I am thinking now we need some kind of law which says parents can not stop a teen from getting online support. They also cannot invade the privacy of a teen who is using the net for support. For example, they can not put on spy software or Big Brother software to log the actvity of the teen on certain sites which give emotional support or which give information about emotional abuse or legal rights for teens.
steve: ive noticed that pple from inseure families kind of rush things. they dont just listen to info. they act on it too quicky sometimes steve: what i mean is like i say im getting sleepy. and they say "go to bed then" steve: like i cant figure that out for myself lol u know? Nelia: ha ha. that's me steve: and besides i just say "Im getting sleepy" not "i have to go now" steve: yeah its not just u though. ive seen it lots of times before steve: in a way im not really tallking to YOU. im talking to all the teens ive known. u know? steve: so does that make u feel special? ha ha Nelia: yeah , ha ha
Nelia: about the eipd Nelia: i think i have it steve: ha ha steve: why? Nelia: cause i have it. it matches my behavior and my emotions Nelia: whats eminem? steve: a music band
steve: before i forget i want to do this exercise with u... steve: how much do u feel understood by ur mom from 0-10? Nelia: ok Nelia: 4 steve: and by ur dad?
another page for n to read and copy quotes from etc steiner.htm
steve: k now here is one more bb4 i go steve: list all the things ur mother likes about u Nelia: i always listen to her problems then she listed a few more which one could say all serve to meet the mother's unmet emotional needs. I won't list them because I'm afraid the mother might recognize some if she saw them.
Nelia: my dad... Nelia: i'm a hardworker Nelia: help him when he needs help (especially with computers) Nelia: listen to his advice Nelia: do what ive been told steve: ok steve: how do u feel about all that now that u look at the lists u just made? Nelia: i feel like they expect too much from me steve: what else? steve: wait, go back and try to find one word for when u said "i feel like...." Nelia: i feel pressured Nelia: or burdened steve: ok - anything else? Nelia: mostly that i think Nelia: maybe frustrated, depressed, sad, etc steve: do u feel used at all? Nelia: no steve: lol ok - i have to laugh at that tho! steve: cuz i see them using u a LOT! Nelia: really? steve: yep definitely Nelia: well, i didnt realize it. Nelia: and i dont think they realize they used me steve: ur mom uses u to listen to her. ur dad uses u to feel powerfull and in control - ie when u obey him. and he uses u to help him with computers and other things - sounds like u are very handy to have around! Nelia: but they referred to it as help Nelia: and it is helping, right? steve: lol steve: the slaves helped their masters a lot too! steve: im gonna add another book to ur reading list! lol Nelia: okay lol steve: hug steve: how u feeling now? Nelia: sort of numb... Nelia: but a bit depressed too Nelia: n u? steve: yeah its a lot to get hit with in a short time.... steve: im feeling pretty good - cuz im opening ur eyes. Nelia: lol steve: i really love helping teens - can u tell? ha ha Nelia: yeah, i wondered why is that steve: well u believe in god right? so let's say i am doing what god wants me to do! Nelia: i just hope you can see the world like i do in religious perceptive Nelia: lol steve: ha ha - no thanks! Nelia: ha ha steve: im a lot more "religious" than most religious people tho in many ways steve: pple have compaged me to jesus ha ha steve: then i tell them im an atheist and they dont know what to say! Nelia: lol Nelia: that's really funny ha ha
How much would you say you feel loved unconditionally, just for who you are, vs conditionally - in other words for what you do or don't do? Like is it 50 50 or what?
Nelia's Reading list continued Frederick Douglas
I told N I was a little afraid her parents would yell at her and guilt-trip her again about something... then she said Nelia: ont worry, i'm kinda used to it steve: ha ha steve: isnt "dont worry" a form of invalidation? Nelia: ha ha lol steve: lol steve: im glad u laughed instead of defending urself.
Nelia: i definitely cant say what you want me to say to my mom lol Nelia: look mom, i will be able to move out soon. and when i do i dont necessarily ever have to talk to u again if i dont want to. so please think about that for a long time and let me know if you want me to keep talking to u. steve: oh that part ha ha steve: i forgot i wrote that! steve: would u like to say it? ha ha Nelia: noooo lol
steve: thanks for listening. steve: oh i want to show u a convo i made up Nelia: you're welcome steve: http://eqi.org/hugs_or_beliefs.htm reads it..... Nelia: im sorry i made you feel that way Nelia: i wont try to change you Nelia: and you're my precious friend Nelia: lol steve: : ) steve: what else do u think of my imaginary convo? Nelia: some of them are my exact response if you said things like you did in the convo Nelia: lol steve: ha ha ok steve: what sounds the least like something ud say? Nelia: you're sure want to know? i dont want to offend you Nelia: it's about my belief steve: yeah go ahead Nelia: i do know God loves me and i feel it every second of my life Nelia: lol steve: ok what does he like about u lol Nelia: im His daughter lol steve: ha ha what else? Nelia: i think thats it Nelia: lol steve: lol steve: now seriously - one reason i asked that is cuz i think ur idea of god's feelings about u is a reflection of how u feel about urself. steve*: what do u think of that!?
here is what i want to ask her next but just to be clear - u think he loves u cuz ur his daughter - but if u died he would send u to hell for eternity. did i get that right? lol
More links Mar 10 I want to ask N to read this and comment Crying Myself to sleep
Notes Nelia took from Bradshaw book "The Family" · - The most important family rules are those that determine what it means to be a human being. · - What parents believe about human life and human fulfillment governs their way of raising children. · - The way children are parented forms their core beliefs about themselves. All their choices depend on their views of themselves. Sickness of The Soul: Shame · - shame is a sickness of the soul. · - According to Kaufman, shame is the source of most of the disturbing inner states that deny full human life. · - Shame is a kind of self-murder. · - Shame destroys self- esteem. Shame and Guilt · - Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me · - Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. · - Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good. Shame Through Abandonment · - Parents abandon their children in the following ways: 1. By actually physically leaving them 2. By failing to model their own emotions for their children, and by failing to affirm their children’s expressions of emotion 3. By failing to provide for their children’s developmental dependency needs 4. By physically, sexually, emotionally and spiritually abusing them 5. By using their children to take care of their own unmet dependency needs 6. By using children to take care of their marriages 7. By hiding and denying their shame secrets to the outside world so that the children have to protect these covert issues in order to keep the family balance 8. By not giving children enough of their time, attention and direction 9. By acting shameless · - The preciousness and uniqueness every human child possesses are destroyed through abandonment. The child is alone and alienated. This abandonment creates a shame- based inner core. Emergence of the False Self · - Once a child’s inner self is flawed by shame, the experience of self is painful. To compensate, the child develops a false self in order to survive. · - The false self forms a defensive mask, distracting the true self from its pain and inner loneliness. · - After years of acting, performing and pretending, the child loses contact with the true self. That true self is numbed out · - The false self cover-up makes it impossible to develop self- esteem.
From an entry in N's blog When someone came to you to only ask for things and requests, it really pissed me off to the bones. I had helped them once, and I'd seen the proof of them just want to use me for they advantage. It's like using a tissue or a paper. You take it when you need it and throw it away to garbage when you're done with it. Don't let anyone use you. Fight back and say NO! -- This worries me -- "fight back" -- I don't want to see more people fighting. I want to see them expressing their feelings, trying to understand why we all do what we do, what our needs are, what the other person's unmet needs are. It also bothers me that N - who is not a native English speaker - has learned this expression "fight back" I have no problem with being strong, but you can be strong without fighting back - at least most of the time in life I think. You can use your strength to stand strong in the sense of keeping your own beliefs and principles and integrity, and not going along with the crowd. And in trusting and believing in your own feelings and not letting people convince you that you are wrong for feeling how you do. For example, if Nelia feels used by someone she could say "I felt a little used when you did so and so." Then it is likely they would invalidate her in some way by saying something like, "I wasn't using you...You have a problem if you see it that way." Then she could choose what to say or do next. Now she knows the person has invalidated her. She could continue to "fight back" and argue and debate and try to push her feelings onto the other person. She could say "I feel invalidated when you say that." But this probably will just escalete the "fight." Now I think of the choice map - you could add to the choice map and say you can choose to fight or to understand or to fight or to learn. I don't want her to believe what others tell her. But I want her to understand their motives for saying what they do. I want her to see that they are trying to fill their unmet emotional needs thru her. So this is another way they use her. But she can "use" them to gain understanding, then she won't feel so used. Nor will she feel bad about herself - as long as she doesn't take as fact what they say. They might call herselfish to try to use or manipulate her, but this doesn't mean she is "selfish." It is critical to Nelia's future for her to see this difference very clearly, and to get away from the people who use her and hurt her as soon as she is legally able to.

In my opinion, the head mistress is too proud of herself and school. She underestimated other students who didn’t have the money to get in. It’s clear to me that the head mistress didn’t priority education. She thought of other aspects and took advantages of it. She even didn’t consider her parent and she insulted them.

It wasn’t fair for the girl to be treated that way. Especially, when there were other girls who are much
worse than her.
To me, the head mistress behavior showed how education worked in that school. They only showed interest in knowledge and didn’t keep a good value in moral and society. I am glad that she didn’t go to that school

i was just thinking about u when i wrote some ideas about a way to decide who to spend time with...

here is what i was writing in my journal

respect chart

with x i feel respected ____

invalidation chart

I felt invalidated by ____ when ___________.
I felt controlled by _____ when _________.
I felt judged by _____ when_______.

maybe this type of thing would help you keep track of your feelings and who causes what kinds of feelings inside you.

then you can, with time, decide who to spend time with in your life and who to avoid.

i think that if you had a chance to be away from your family you would not miss them very much and you would see more clearly how they damage you.

s.