| I
learned something today. I don't hate my life or
myself. I don't hate where I am. I don't hate the
world or god or any of that. I hate the people
who have been in and out of my life. I hate the
people who put me down and make me think I hate
myself. I hate the people who make me feel the
only way to escape is death. I hate the people
who have run me so dry of all my tears I now have
to cut instead of cry. I hate them so much. And the worst
part is, today I learned I hate my mother and
step-father. I hate them for what they have made
of me. For making me think I'm worthless. For all
the times I've cried because they say my grades
aren't good enough and it's unacceptable. The
times they say I'm not trying when I am. For all
the name calling and my mother saying I'm dumb
and never good enough.
I hate what my
father did to me. Make me so afraid of
everything. So afraid to find someone to love
because I don't want to be abused.
I'm so sick of not
having any escape. I can't even write anymore
because I'm afraid they'll find my things and get
angry. I'm so afraid to even live here.
No one knows how
much help I need. The just see me as The shoulder
to cry on. The girl who stays strong. The freak.
The fool. The girl who no longer wants to live
but has not the strength to end it. The girl who
no longer has the courage to speak how she feels
because what if they no longer like me. I need
them to like me.
Oh god... What has
happened to me? I have been left too many
times... I just could never take it again. I need
to cry but the tears won't come out. I never got
scars from cutting before. I've always been good.
Today I found the scars. All because I have no
release. It shouldn't come to this. But it does.
Oh yes, I forgot to tell you... I prefer to be
called ____ when I write. It's the me I want to
be. The one no one controls. She's the real me
who comes out when no one is around to put me
down. I love her.
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