EQI Home | Emotional Intelligence

Unmet Emotional Needs

Social problems and unmet emotional needs

Identifying our emotional needs

Unmet emotional needs and parenting

Some ways we try to compensate for our unmet emotional needs

Social Problems and Unmet Emotional Needs

To summarize my beliefs about unmet emotional needs (UEN's), I will begin with this principle:

Social problems come from unmet needs

Some of these needs are physical, such as food shortages which lead to violence. But most of these problems, in developed countries at least, are due to unmet emotional needs. I believe, therefore, that one way to make a major improvement in society is to study our emotional needs, identify them very specifically, determine which are not being met in the current social systems, then come up with a plan to fill more of these unmet emotional needs.

John Powell, author of Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?, believes that unmet emotional needs are one of the two major causes of anxiety. He says the other is supercharged repressed emotions.

Jack Westman asks this question: Why has our unprecedented material wealth not given us emotional or physical security? The answer, I believe, is that we are failing to meet each other's emotional needs. I predict that once we as we learn to fill these emotional needs, we will see a decline in violence, crime, suicide, depression and all forms of unhealthy behavior.

Identifying Our Emotional Needs

See this list to help learn what our human emotional needs are. When we don't feel enough of one of these, we have an "unment emotional need."

Unmet Emotional Needs and Parenting

Parents can not give what they do not have. If their emotional needs have not been met by the time they have their children, it will be difficult for them to meet their children's emotional needs. This is just like if they are financially bankrupt, they won't be able to give their children much financial support. I believe it works the same way for emotional support.

Some Ways We Try to Compensate for Our Unmet Emotional Needs

By managing/controlling/manipulating others

By feeling superior to them.

By seeking status, money, fame.

By competing and trying to be the fastest, the smartest, the best, etc.

All of these are attempts at making it appear that we are okay, that we are worthy. These fill some of our needs, but neglect many others. When we are behaving in ways that don't address all or enough of our emotional needs, this behavior is ultimately unhealthy for us. Often instead of realizing that we have other unmet needs, we try to compensate for what is missing by seeking more of what we already have enough of. Some needs then become a substitute for the others. But we can never get enough of the substitutes, so we never truly feel emotionally fulfilled.

Here is are two exercises to help you identify your own unmet emotional needs.