Essay about Sri Chinmoy from Former
Member
Posted April 7, 2002
Sri Chinmoy, this is the real story as I understand
it, based on my experience and what he has personally
said to me and to others. This story varies widely from
what has been published and promulgated to his devotees.
If you read this and you have something to add, please
add your experiences and comments and forward to those
who you feel should know about this. I would also love to
have a copy of any new testimonials.
Personally, I don't regret the years spent in the Center,
I was fulfilling my own inner quest for God and inner
light and I am very grateful for what I received. The
problem, as I see it, is that Chinmoy twists seekers
experiences to make the aspirants feel that he is
generating everything. Based on my own experience, this
is totally false, I am feeling happier, more enlightened
and more empowered with each step that I take, now that I
have finally become free from the snare of Chinmoy's
influence.
He was born in East Bengal on 8/27/31 as Madal Ghose.
He moved with his family from war torn Bangladesh to the
Sri Aurobindo Ashram in Pondicherry, India and lived
there for about 20 years. There his name was changed to
Chinmoy, he was indoctrinated into the philosophy of Sri
Aurobindo and he practiced the life of meditation.
Chinmoy was very inspired by Aurobindo, in the beginning,
and was encouraged to pursue his athletic abilities - he
dreamed of being an Olympic champion and, according to
him, he spent many hours in deep meditation. However, the
living conditions at the ashram were poor, the food was
insufficient and Chinmoy had to work very hard, virtually
without compensation.
In the early 1960's, although he seems to have attained a
position of some stature in the Ashram, Chinmoy tired of
life there. He made a secret visit to the nearby
Ramamaharshi Ashram, for which he received a slap from
the "Mother" upon his return to the Sri
Aurobindo Ashram. At this point he was disillusioned and
desired to pursue life in the United States.
He was helped by some sponsors in the US, who were
connected with the Ashram and by a woman who is now known
as Alo Devi. Alo had come to the Sri Aurobindo Ashram to
pursue the spiritual life and she seems to have also been
involved in an intimate relationship with Chinmoy,
although the Ashram encouraged celibacy, this is hinted
at in her published diaries.
Once Chinmoy arrived in the US in 1964, his sponsors
helped him to get a job and he started working in the
Permanent Mission of India to the UN in New York.
However, the salary was very low and Chinmoy found
himself having difficulty surviving. In addition, the
Mother of the Sri Aurobindo Ashram was making demands for
Chinmoy to send delicacies from the United States to
India. Certain items, such as eggnog, Brazil nuts, olives
and chicken bullion were packaged and mailed to India
each month.
It was at this difficult time that Chinmoy realized that
he would have a hard time succeeding at life in the US.
Although he was apparently quite clever, he did not have
more than high school education (it is not even certain
that he received a HS diploma in the Ashram).
Furthermore, he still was practicing meditation, this was
the realm where he had the most experience and he was
writing poetry and pursuing his interest in music.
At this juncture, Chinmoy recalled that the Mother of the
Sri Aurobindo Ashram had so many rich disciples. From his
work as a clerk in the Ashram, he knew that money was
constantly flooding into the Ashram from wealthy devotees
from all over the world. So, Chinmoy decided to pursue
his fortune and start a meditation center in New York.
This was the beginning of an endless string of stories,
myths, lies and threats, which were told and are still
being told to his students, disciples and devotees in
order to manipulate them to follow his teachings, believe
that he is the source of their inner light, stay in his
Center and pay him large sums of money. He also tries to
control every detail of his students lives and tries to
have them submit to him in every way, including sexually
for the many of those for whom he happens to have an
attraction.
Chinmoy sees himself as a loving and benevolent person,
who is spiritually more advanced than his students. He
makes people believe that the fruitful inner experiences
that are attained from their own meditations were
generated by him and he tries to place himself at the
center of their world. He portrays himself as an
"Avatar" or direct incarnation of God who was
commanded by God to come to the US in order to bring the
illumination of the East to the West. He connects himself
to Krishna as the reincarnation of Arjuna, Krishna's
dearest devotee. He infers that he is also a
reincarnation of other famous people throughout history,
popping up and shaping our world at important junctures.
He claims to know the will of God, who he calls Supreme,
and equates his will with God's will while he claims to
be God's direct representative.
Furthermore, he tells his students that if they don't
please him and follow his precepts or that if they leave
him he will withdraw from them spiritually, that their
souls will punish them by making calamities happen to
them or that they will fall ill. Sometimes he even says
that the souls of those who turn against him will leave
those people all together. For many of the disciples, who
came to Chinmoy's Center at an early age, these prospects
are frightening. They did not have time and experience to
know that the experiences of inner light were coming from
their own aspiration and meditation. They are made to
feel that life outside the Center would be a very barren
and dark existence.
Pleasing Sri Chinmoy is a constant challenge for his
devotees. They are told to abstain from sex and that
marriage is taboo after joining the center as is having
children. These things are not considered to be necessary
and will supposedly slow the aspirant's spiritual
progress. The disciples become vegetarians and of course
smoking, alcohol and any kind of drugs are not allowed.
The "good disciple" life begins at 6:00 am with
numerous meditations and daily prayers, invocations and
songs to be performed as well as prescribed exercise. In
addition, many disciples do selfless service at the
various businesses owned by the Center as well as in the
printing shop where the books are made. This means that
they either work for free on evenings or weekends in
addition to holding a regular job or they work for very
low wages (as low as $65 per week for a 40 - 90 hour
workweek). Many of the full-time workers are new
disciples from poor eastern European countries and are
working illegally. Then, in addition to the full working
schedule, disciples are also expected to attend the
regular meditation meetings of the Center and some also
give classes to try to bring new people.
The "manifestation team" is particularly
challenged as it is their job to get publicity for
Chinmoy and his appetite for publicity is insatiable.
These people are working around the clock to put news
about Chinmoy in the papers, on radio and on TV while
others leave their jobs to organize peace concerts.
Arranging for a site, college, state or country to be a
designated a "Sri Chinmoy Peace Blossom" is one
of the never-ending projects. Disciples, the ones that
are hardworking, find that no matter how many things they
are doing, Chinmoy will add something new to their plate.
Many disciples leave Chinmoy simply because they have
burned out, they become disillusioned and bitter because
they worked so hard and it was never enough. Many of the
others stay with Chinmoy because they believe that they
are bringing peace, joy and light to the world through
their hard work - which is true for what they give is
wholeheartedly given with goodwill, they do not realize
the ulterior motives of Chinmoy.
Sri Chinmoy also finds other ways that the disciples can
please him. My own personal experience was that, after
having lived as a celibate, barely even looking at men in
the eyes other than Chinmoy for 10 years I was finally
feeling that I was able to transmute or transcend my
sexual energies, into joy. Then, there came a point, in
the fall of 1991, when I was also getting in shape and
exercising a lot. Out of the blue, Chinmoy invited me to
join a group trip out of New York for a peace concert he
was giving near San Francisco. He even offered to pay for
me when I said I didn't have the money. I was very
honored by this gesture. After the concert a woman I knew
as the leader of the San Fransisco Center approached me
and said that Chinmoy wanted me to go to his room, she
gave me a piece of paper with the room number.
After going to my room to tidy up, I nervously went to
the room. I was thinking that I had been invited to a
special private party or function, I never dreamed that
it was for sex. After a short interview about my previous
sexual experiences, Chinmoy said that I should surrender
my vital (sexual) energy to him. I folded my hands,
looked him in the eyes and offered him my joy but he
indicated that this wasn't enough, so I said
"Supreme I bow to thee" a few times. Then he
had me embrace him, I hugged him, feeling very warm and
loving, not aroused. Then he indicated that I should take
off my clothes. I was shocked!! However, prior to being
in the Center, I had been very open minded about sexual
matters so I was happy, not angry. I thought the idea of
having sex with Chinmoy was cool. So I took off my
clothes and he removed his and we proceeded to have sex.
Afterward, he said to me that I must never tell anyone.
He said that I was specially chosen, that this was not
sex but that this was his life breath he was giving me he
also mentioned that if anything happened, i.e.,
pregnancy, I should not even tell him but go immediately
to a clinic for an abortion.
Having spent the last 10 years worshiping Chinmoy as a
God, I didn't question this, I accepted what was
happening even though, after this experience, I had
nagging doubts about Chinmoy. I started to look around
and notice by their behavior that many other women were
sexually involved with him.
After this encounter, I started having a strong
attraction for Chinmoy, I even wrote him a letter to
express my desire for him. He called me over to his house
late at night several times over the next few months.
Then the calls suddenly stopped. I felt very alone, I had
a secret I couldn't share and I had anguish over the
rejection mixed with my nagging doubts. It was only much
later that I realized that this was part of a much bigger
pattern. I never had the illusion that I was the only
woman Chinmoy was involved with but I don't think I could
have imagined the scope of his activities. I finally
broke down and confided to a close friend who I thought
would already know. She did know about another occurrence
although she had never been involved. She listened and
helped me a lot.
After several months elapsed without a call from Chinmoy,
I was depressed and I felt that if I got involved with
another man, I would come out of it. So, with my friend's
help, I made contact with one of the men in the Center.
This worked out very well, we saw each other secretly for
several months. We ended up falling for each other and we
were discovered. Chinmoy didn't make us leave the Center
at that time, but circumstances eventually led to our
leaving on our own about a year later.
I was out of the Center for a few years but, at that
time, but I hadn't moved on in my beliefs. I blamed
myself and I thought that it was because I had become
weak and succumbed to my emotions that I had to be out of
the Center. My partner also hadn't moved on, he wanted to
return to the Center. During this period I told my
partner about my secret activities with Chinmoy. However,
he didn't act surprised - and over the course of time he
hinted that he too was involved, not only with Chinmoy
but that Chinmoy had directed him to be involved with
other people. The time came when my partner begged to be
allowed to return to the Center. He was accepted but it
was on the condition that we separate and that I also
return. I initially had misgivings, but I returned.
Over the next several years I became aware that there
were many women involved with Chinmoy and there were
signs that he was also having relations with men. The
first time that I was called for sex after my return, I
was asked by Chinmoy to first write him a letter, I wrote
something very devotional but it wasn't what he wanted he
said I had to put details about my desire for him and
explain sexual things that I had done together with my
partner while I was out of the Center. After that, I was
called by Chinmoy for sex but not very frequently, once
or twice a year.
Then, a few years ago I got a special call from Chinmoy,
he wanted to introduce me to a new way to have relations
- with women (but of course it wouldn't be
homosexuality). He had me come over to his house together
with another woman. The first time, we were together
downstairs while he waited in another room upstairs. Then
the other woman went upstairs and Chinmoy came and had
relations with me. He told me that I must never talk to
anyone about these trysts and that I must act as if I had
never been intimate with him. Another time, we had
relations while he sat on a chair and watched. After that
I saw the same woman on a regular schedule, once a month,
at her home. This is something I am not proud of because
I really wasn't too comfortable with her and although I
felt some loving, sisterly feelings, the sex seemed
mechanical and unnatural for me. I had to force myself to
be into it. In addition, I had acquired cold sores from
her. This was very embarrassing but it also made me
realize that these activities were not limited to a
small, select group. I started to notice that many of the
women, as well as the men in the Center were sporting
cold sores.
The first woman started calling me less frequently and I
was set up by Chinmoy with another woman, this one I saw
once a week. Even though we were intimate, I was told by
Chinmoy that I must act as if it was my first time with a
woman and that we should never discuss about our other
sexual experiences. The second woman was really fun to be
with and I enjoyed it.
During this period, Chinmoy gave me the opportunity to
select a woman partner. However, I refused because I
didn't want to change my identity and I was starting to
feel that I would lose it. I asked him if I could select
a male partner but he refused, saying that we would fall
in love.
The relationship with the second woman started to slow
down and a new woman was introduced. The problem here was
that I didn't like the last woman, I felt that she was an
egotistical show-off and always trying to compete for
Chinmoy's attention at meetings which included drawing
attention to our friendship in public. This was
embarrassing for me because I felt exposed and I disliked
the influence that this woman was bringing into my life.
At the same time, I felt that I was compelled to please
Chinmoy and to continue to be with her. I couldn't see
why Chinmoy would give this woman so much attention and
have her so near to him when she didn't seem to have very
much spiritual depth. What she did have was money, she
was giving Chinmoy a lot of her money and she was very
sexual in her attitude toward Chinmoy.
It was at the same time while I was just starting my
relationship with the last woman that I happened to have
a mammogram that turned out to be positive. There was a
lump that in my breast that looked suspect and I needed
to have a biopsy. The woman made a big deal out of
bringing this to the attention of Chinmoy and he sent one
of the disciples, who was a nurse, to attend the biopsy
with me. It was unsettling for me because Chinmoy told
the nurse that the HMO office was to tell him first
(through her) what the outcome of the biopsy was.
The nurse told me to inform the doctor that she was to be
informed, not me. I agreed, though reluctantly and the
wait began. The HMO didn't get back to us for more than a
week and I felt calm, I didn't really think it would turn
out to be anything because my mother had a similar
growth, at my age, which was benign. The doctor didn't
think that it looked bad. Also, I was under 40 and a non-
smoker with no history of breast cancer in my family.
The test was negative, However, when the disciple nurse
gave me the news, she was acting as if it was a miracle.
Other close disciples of Chinmoy also indicated to me
that it was a miracle, apparently Chinmoy was claiming to
have saved my life.
This recalls to me another earlier incident that occured
in 1999 and 2000. There was a disciple, a personal
acquaintance of mine, who fell down a large flight of
concrete stairs in the basement of Chinmoy's home. She
had a great deal of pain in her hip and could barely
move. Chinmoy told her that it was nothing and that the
pain would go away. This woman always gave as much money
as possible to Chinmoy so, even though she had a good job
with the option of subsidized health insurance, she
didn't insure herself. So on Chinmoy's advice, she didn't
go to a real doctor or get an X-ray, she just waited. In
the meantime, she really couldn't walk, she dragged
herself around on crutches with one virtually useless leg
for several months (at least 6 or 7). Finally the yearly
insurance enrollment campaign took place at work and this
woman got herself to a doctor. Her hip had broken at the
socket and the ball of the socket that was broken off had
completely re-absorbed into her tissue, there was no ball
at all. This woman had been trying to walk with only her
thigh bone for all those months and the pain must have
been absolutely excruciating! During those months, I had
given this woman rides because she couldn't even drive
her car and I was there to bring her home from the
hospital after her hip replacement surgery. She directly
told me everything and, of course, we both thought that
it must have somehow been God's will for her to suffer so
much. This woman's suffering was kept quiet in the
Center, she wouldn't let people know about her pain and
she didn't tell people what was wrong with her or what
had happened to her.
After the mammogram incident, I was becoming
disillusioned with the Center and also coming to the
realization that I wanted to have children and a real
male partner. So it finally dawned on me that I would
have to again leave the Center, this time for good. Of
course, from my point of view, the risks were very great.
I thought that I would possibly be leaving behind all the
inner light that I had worked toward for 20 years. My
very relationship with God might be compromised or maybe
bad things would happen to me as Chinmoy had drummed into
my head for so many years.
Nevertheless, I made my choice and after one botched
attempt at leaving, where Chinmoy was able to coerce me
into staying, I finally left the Center for good.
Now that I have not only left the Center permanently but
I am also truly moving on from my beliefs about Chinmoy,
I feel a tremendous sense of freedom. I realize that life
outside the Center is bright and fulfilling and that now
my inner light is blossoming. Looking back, I see that
because I did not believe in myself, I gave Chinmoy the
credit for what I was finding in my own inner search for
God. Also, I have come to the realization that I let him
lie to me and manipulate me because of my own desire to
be a good person, an aspiring person, an unconditionally
loving person and an enlightened person. However, the
entire time, the desire for light itself was drawing the
light into me and bringing me into the light. I now have
the faith that my life will continue not only in light
but also in truth, not being a slave to the will of a
false master. Moreover, I am happy in my being more than
ever before and I know that my heart's pure desires that
prompted me to leave the Center will be fulfilled
according to God's plan and that my life is and will
always continue to be safe, healthy, happy and
fulfilling.
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