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Home | Emotional
Abuse
Signs
of Abusive, Authority Based Relationships
This list is based on an
adaptation of work from Alice Miller's For Your Own Good and
John
Bradshaw's Healing
the Shame That Binds You
--
Authority figures (AF) can be
parents, partners, teachers, school principals, school
directors, supervisors, bosses, religious figureheads,
cult leaders, etc. Dependents can be children, teenagers,
partners, students, employees, religious followers, etc.
What matters is that there is a power imbalance and a
dependence of some sort, whether physical, financial,
"spiritual," psychological or emotional.
1. AF's are the masters of
dependents.
2. AF's alone decide what is
right and wrong,, good/bad and
"appropriate" and "inappropriate"
3. They alone make up the
definitions, the rules, the "choices" and
the "consequences" (See pseudo-choices and consequences)
4. Dependents are held
responsible for the AF's feelings (anger,
disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, happiness
and unhappiness)
5. The AF is only responsible
and accountable for good things that happen, never
the bad ones. Thus the AF' appears to always be in
the right and when things go wrong, the dependent is
always blamed and feels responsible and guilty.
6. The AF tries to exercise
total control of the dependent by controlling his
thoughts, feelings and behavior. Whenever this
control is not absolute, the AF feels threatened.
7. The dependent's
individuality is minimized as much as possible by the
AF.
8. The AF creates an intricate
system of punishments and rewards which rob the
dependent of any sense of inner direction and esteem.
9. The following freedoms
listed by Virginia Satire are denied to the dependent
as much as possible:
The freedom to perceive
To think and interpret
To feel
To want, need, and chose
10. The AF never (or rarely)
admits mistakes or apologizes.
11. All of the above take place
in a way which does not expose the AF's true motives
and none of this is openly talked about. No
"back talk" is allowed.
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| All of this tears the dependent
person apart, causing self-alienation and even
self-loathing. The dependent person loses faith in
his/her own mind and feelings with devastating
self-esteem consequences. Depression, rage, mood swings,
co-dependency, self-injury and self-destruction are
typical outcomes. If the authority figure is a parent the
person will likely develop symptoms of various
"disorders" such as the so-called Borderline
Personality disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Anoexia,
Bulemia etc. |
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