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Teacher from USA -
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20 year old student in the USA who self-invalidates
Here is one quote from Casey
Note from SPH to Casey - for me that wasn't rambling.. instead it was very important. It helps me and others see how you self-invalidate, discount, minimize and devalue your own feelings, I hope you will keep reading the site : ) and that we will keep talking.
|Teacher from USA|
|angela priscilla chat
this isnt fair
i cant do this
|University student, Christian, teacher assistant from Nigeria|
|Ok, on the kids thing I will discuss
with the coordinator
and also get her to take a look at the H-PET.
> One thing I have noticed about looking up here is
people really look up
to Australia ... in Nigeria really look up to the West. Now
this is a
very interesting point you have raised and I will love to
know what your
thoughts are on this. A quick search online and you will see
experiences of youths attempting to leave their country for
and the terrible conditions some find themselves in in those
lands. You are right on point again on this thought.
> I love the H-PET and I am looking at my life within the
framework. Its so
simple, easy and I can't forget this. I will use it again
and again - I
can promise that. Thanks for that.
I loved the how ok page. It was one of the most memorable information from your site. I read it just before I sent the first mail to you.
|I believe the Bible and I think that
is my main religious belief, especially I believe that
loving people is loving God and if anyone does not love
others then he doesn't know God.
My project for next year was to produce a Bible that matches our current life experiences.
You've got me thinking about the blog
now. If there is a platform I can work on from my
blackberry phone then it would be a great start, and I
tell you there is a lot I can pick out and stress on from
your site. I will consider it again, then go through your
the whole of your site and let you know the key areas I
think I can blog about conveniently.
don't believe in hitting children but back when I was
younger it was normal punishment - even in school. But I
think we need to make a distinction. There are some so
called 'hiding' and I think that is bad. But a corrective
hit - kind of a hard pat on the back to get the person to
think about what they are doing and adjust to behave
|You know what the problem with the
world is? 'Christians' who do NOT know what God is all
about; and those are many. I do not call myself
'Christian' neither do I believe in the tag. If you go
through the Bible on children, you will see some great
truths. It is said there to 'train up a child', how many
parents train? Correction is not all that training is
about. Unfortunately most people think beating, hitting
etc and such correction is training.
I would rather say the devil is inside parents maybe, not the kids. Most of the wrong things a child does is one way or the other influenced by what is around them. It is complex, but I don't agree kids are bad. They only did not have people to train them on the key things that makes a human being a noble being.
|[4/10/2014 11:46:46 PM] ang:
i....can't find my birth certificate. I feel so bad about
it...I need it for the passport...I must have lost it in
phoenix. Like...really bad...like 10. i don't even know
what to say...and i guess...i have no choice but to get a
new one...but it's like $50 and will take 3-5 days to get
here. I feel pressured to get the application in like
[4/10/2014 11:47:19 PM] ang: and like really embarassed and stupid and a lot of awful things I felt when I realized I couldn't find it...
[4/10/2014 11:47:29 PM] Priscilla aw
[4/10/2014 11:47:55 PM] Priscilla wow im sorry...
[4/10/2014 11:48:09 PM] Priscilla hug
[4/10/2014 11:48:12 PM] ang: kinda...god...a little suicidal about it. can't even...
Why am i feeling...afriad? To look through my papers? because i know it's not in there. i can't...expend that much energy right now...on a fruitless effort like that. it will kill me...but I know I have to check anyhow. sometime. someday. soon. asap. either it's there or it's not, but I can't know until I look. But I couldn't find it before I left. I doubt it's there.
and now i feel so stupid and worthless and god.
am I overreacting? I feel like this is a really big deal.
$50 and 3-5 days of my life.
is my life worth that much?
is that worth killing myself over?
is it sad I don't know the answer to that?
my life has 0 worth to me....so I guess I have to ask someone else. I guess I have worth to some people. whatever..
It's not just that...it's the immense shame I feel. embarassemt whatever. whatever.
[4/10/2014 11:48:54 PM] ang: .-.
[4/10/2014 11:49:05 PM] Priscilla aw
[4/10/2014 11:49:30 PM] Priscilla i feel bad u feel so much shame and suicidal about that : (
[4/10/2014 11:51:38 PM] ang: it's like....patti wants me to go to the post office TODAY. but obv i cant now. and idk what to say to her. and....sigh yeah....and I COULD have gotten a replacement in phoenix...I guess...but I didn't. Idk. i guess I couldn't really do anything back there...but then I'm thinking maybe it wasn't the envionment. maybe iT IS JUST ME. i'm lazy and stupid and forgetful. It's not the stress or lack of sleep or whatever else i'm blaming it all on...it's just me. .-.
[4/10/2014 11:51:46 PM] ang: i'm al the things my mom said
[4/10/2014 11:51:58 PM] ang: "you're just a child pretending to be an adult!"
[4/10/2014 11:52:09 PM] ang: last thing she yelled at me on my way out the door
|[12:54:48] Angela: oh my god
[12:54:50] Angela: help
I'm 26, living in a relatively small but fairly liberal town in the midwest.
I'm currently trying to finish my thesis (Help-Seeking Attitudes in Hindu and Muslim College Students) to complete my M.A. in clinical psychology. I'm hoping to apply to social psych doctorate programs in the fall, and though I am passionate about multicultural issues, I am considering conducting research on the interaction of various personality traits and attachment disorders. I worked for a year on an inpatient psych unit for children and adolescents with severe behavioral, emotional, and developmental disorders, and that spurred on that interest.
However, I quit in September because it is a disgustingly corrupt for-profit facility that could care less about its patients or staff as long as it's still making money.
Unfortunately I did that before taking on another source of income, so I have been borderline homeless since then. Between student loans and trying to pay for my medications, every day is a struggle and I go to bed hungry a lot. I have dealt with bipolar disorder and existential depression for as long as I can remember. I was actually hospitalized a little over four years ago, and have been relatively stable since then, until these past few months. I'm a very driven and passionate person, so not having a job has been particularly difficult.
I have also been dealing with emotional vulnerability, or I suppose I should say invulnerability. I was quite hurt when my last two relationships ended (understandably), and decided that the risk wasn't worth the potential reward, and have essentially thwarted any prospects for the last two years. I am coming to realize that it is impossible to stemone emotion without inoculating myself to all of them, including joy and love. I am starting to know that this is something I need to work on, allowing myself to be more vulnerable, but my life is still such a mess that it's easier to continue this way until my life is more stable.And that's pretty much where I am now. What about yourself? It's always nice to find a kindred spirit
I'm an American-born human being. I lived overseas while I served honorably in the US Navy, and I got to travel around Europe some. I loved living in Italy, and call it my "home," because I "grew up" there, though I was raised in the States.
Living abroad really helped me to see and embrace culture and views very different from my own, and although I suffered hardships during those times, they were also some of the best in my life. I found my husband in Italy (American service member, also), and I gave birth to our son there, and got pregnant w/ our daughter there. Basically, it saved my life.
You see, I've been in therapy for quite some time. I am a VA certified Disabled American Veteran, for PTSD due to traumas sustained during my military service. However, my story goes even deeper and further back.
The past three years of my therapist--who is a wonderful therapist, who has traveled abroad and even married into a completely different culture-- has been helping me to understand that I endured an "abnormal childhood." I couldn't say it then, but I endured an abusive and neglected childhood.
Last week, on 3 March, I confronted my parents, with my husband at my side, about the abuse from not only my childhood, but continued until even last month! They used all the 'strategies' listed in the book I got today, "Toxic Parents." I had followed my instincts, trusting my instincts, which was very difficult to do. I knew I needed to confront them, and to do it soon after the incident last month.
I tell you this back story to tell you this-- you're website has been incredibly valuable to me this past week. I have only begun to learn the severity of the abuse and neglect, to really "realize" the reality that I lived-- that it wasn't "in my head." Both my older sister and I meet or display the "criteria" for childhood abuse/neglect-- between the two of us, we meet every single one of them.
My path was different from my sister's, though. I was the first one to graduate high school-- I did that in only 3 years (instead of 4) with a "B" average; that was after having been homeschooled for the first 8 years! I served honorably in the Navy. Then I got my Associate's Degree in 1 1/2 years, while giving birth between terms and having a nursing infant that entire time. These are just a couple of my "major" accomplishments. Accomplishments which were diminished subtly by my parents, among other things. I was the "over-achiever" and the "perfectionist."
I understand what you mean about Western culture being corrupt. I see it because my experiences in life have taken me far and wide. I am very grateful to have a therapist who is not a "traditional" therapist; it took me years to find her. I intend to give her the link to your website, because her primary work has been with troubled youth (I'm 36, but definitely got 'stuck" developmentally).
The scope of information on your site is mind-boggling. I find it very under understandable that you're in need of a break and are having a difficult time. It is my hope that sharing my story, and that your site has helped me to learn, will provide an "uplift." I may be only one person, but I certainly value the amount of time you've spent on building the site.
May we all find hope and healing,
|Hello, my name is David, and I just
recently discovered your website as I
was just looking for things to.. Help me out.. Basically, I just want to
hear your opinion on this. Yes, I am a teenager, and, am, obviously
"troubled", or "different", idk. In short, my mom is threatening to
permanently take my internet away, including weekends. My only and best
friends are on the internet, and they're the only people that can make me
feel even slightly like I belong, and they're the only people that can
understand me. My mom says its because "I've been sitting on it too much",
practically all day on school nights, from 3pm to 10pm, and from 8am-12am
with copious amounts of breaks, and that she wants me to spend more time
with the family. In truth, I don't even want to be around her, because
simply being around her makes me angry and agitated, her looks on life are
just embarrassing in my eyes. She's slightly racist, and makes fun of gay
people, and if she ever catches me crying she'll call me emo, and, I might
as well be, though I don't necessarily self-harm...She always pressures me
to be right and its just so hard to take it anymore. I have no one to talk
to about these things but my friends, and I think they might be the people
that've been keeping me alive the past 3 years. I dont want to tell her
that my friends mean so much to me because I know that she'll resort to
"what, are your friends more important than family?", when my parents dont
even talk to me about anything, and, Im honestly terrified of what else
she'll say. If I cant speak to them anymore, I might go insane, or become
depressed. Am I being stupid and deserve it, or should I try and do
something. Please help.
I wrote a journal entry on a site I frequent (deviant art) about how my mum treats me and someone told me that my mums being emotionally abusive.
I feel very unsure about that fact (the same one I had when my psychologist said I was twice exceptional), but i talked to my partner (18 years old, I'm 17) about it he said it seems to be because I don't want to believe it. That made me pause and look around on a few sites. I came across this one and some of the things about an emotionally abusive mother seemed to match.
Something I do want to mention is that I am very good at shaping words that sound like they're spoken. There are some exaggerations and omissions of information to make my side sound more dramatic. I've always been an attention seeker. I've lied to mum about numerous things to get attention and she doesn't trust me as a result.
I would never commit suicide and I try hard to help anyone that I find out tries to self harm. You can take your time replying. You are free to use any information in that journal entry and to ask me any questions you want. I really enjoy talking about myself when asked.
|Being emotionally supported means for
Feeling understood, validated, supported, encouraged, cared about, believed in,
loved, valued, accepted, respected, trusted, heard, forgiven, appreciated, acknowledged.
Radovan urlák, Today 10:07
R. said he felt all of those when he visited Priscilla in England
|radovan bought souvenirs from london for his friends even tho he had run out of money on the first day -- we talked about this a little. how our culture teaches us to buy things to try to get friends, approval, acceptance etc. - i feel bad he spent that money. on people who aren't even really his friends, dont really care about him, his feelings.|
|ha ha.. I got this mail to a while
back... here is the page he talks about www.eqi.org/legal.htm
Your list of "how parent's hurt their kids legally" is absolutely absurd your writing clearly indicates childish mentality and probably hold resentment against your parents for either ACTUAL abuse/neglect or not being there. The lists on your site, go to far to the extreme, the internet while it may be a life line for those who are suffering from mental illnesses and suicidal ideations lets face it, it's not a necessity there are other ways to reach out for help. Parent's do what they do because they need to be done in most cases, and in a child's mind they do seem irrational but you know what, that's is why you're parents are there. They've gone through the bullshit life brings and they don't want their kids making the same mistakes. If you do not show the says children hurt their parents then your site will be nothing more than libellus propaganda. Calling the cops to retrieve a disobedient child who has run away, or won't come home is not hurting a child it's legally protecting themselves and protecting their family. Sending a child you can't handle to live with another family member or a boarding school is best for the child's future and don't you think it hurts the parents? You probably didn't figure that far ahead. Prom dates, shit my family still believes in arraigned marriages and you know what, WE WELCOME THE TRADITION. Family does what they need to do to protect the well being of each other whether or not people can see past their own desires to admit it.
A child who was properly raised
|Today as I was speaking to Radovan, his older sister, at whose house he is staying for a few days, opened the door to his room and said, "|
|[13:51:57] Steve : we talked about him
coming back to england for easter break week
[13:52:03] Priscilla Hmm
[13:52:23] Steve : i thoughtif he did maybe he could stay at your parents' place this time tosave money
[13:52:39] Priscilla Yeah he said he really wants to get away from his place
[13:52:41] Steve : and im sureur parents would feed him dont u think?
[13:52:50] Steve : yeah today he was at his sisters..
[13:52:51] Priscilla Hmm maybe yeah
[13:53:02] Steve : let me showu what she said to him while we were talking
[13:53:15] Priscilla Ok
[13:53:20] Steve : [12:06] Radovan:
<<< Could you please tell your friend that its really nice outside, and that you need to stop talking and go outside.
[13:53:22] Steve : lol
(here is that article I wrote a long time ago http://www.eqi.org/uneed2.htm) - it still has the old style it is so old. now i see it is from 2003
see below for more about "you need to"
|Being emotionally supported means for
Feeling understood, validated, supported, encouraged, cared about, believed in,
loved, valued, accepted, respected, trusted, heard, forgiven, appreciated, acknowledged.
[14:12:02] Steve : he said those were all the things he felt with u...
[14:12:41] Priscilla Aw
[14:12:48] Priscilla I dunno why
[14:12:52] Priscilla Lol
[14:12:57] Steve : ha ha
[14:13:01] Steve : i do
[14:13:11] Priscilla Aw
[14:13:26] Steve : huggy
[14:13:29] Priscilla I think ur better at emo support than I am
[14:13:32] Priscilla Huggy
[14:13:38] Steve : cuz im more emo
[14:13:56] Steve : impatient
[14:13:58] Steve : judgmental
[14:13:55] Steve : im not sure.im very demanding
[14:13:56] Priscilla When he meets u he's gonna say oh wow this is so much better than p
[14:14:00] Priscilla Aw
[14:14:06] Steve : haha
[14:14:40] Priscilla I feel impatient a lot too these days
|Now I remember... his sister did come
in earlier and she said something like "Why don't
you go outside and stop spending so much time in your
room on your computer?"
I laughed and showed Radovan this page
|i dont want to write to people
anymore, ie email them - unless they are reading my
journal and applying what i teach. i have a need to
teach. i am looking for students. almost desperate for
them sometimes, but tonight i dont feel desperate. more
like determined. clear. i know what i need. the ikwin
principle i came up with or found or whatever many years
but other people think they know what i need. yet they don't. only i know what i need. they can tell me what others need and what i "need" to do to be used by those other people. for example if i want to be an accountant and work for a big company they will tell me i need to study accounting in a university, pass exams, get a certificate etc. and others can tell me that i need to do all that. but they can't tell me what my emotional needs are or when i need to go to sleep or wake up or go to the potty. yet in schools, starting with pre-schools other people tell young people those very things. and not just in schools but in homes. parents say "you need to go to bed" "you need to wake up." no...not true. others need me to do those things to fit their schedules, their needs.
my body will tell me when i need to eat, sleep etc . so...conclusion... leave me the fuck alone and keep your fucking mouth shut.
|You may NOT publish or re-print this
article without the written permission of Christine
Miserandino and ButYouDontLookSick.com. Thank you.
Thank you? lol
below is the aritcle.. spoons... -- sent to me from casey
The Spoon Theory
by Christine Miserandino www.butyoudontlooksick.com
My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.
I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didnt seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.
As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I dont try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I cant explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.
At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said Here you go, you have Lupus. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.
I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesnt have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.
Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a loss of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.
She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didnt understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?
I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of spoons. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many spoons you are starting with. It doesnt guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadnt even started yet. Ive wanted more spoons for years and havent found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.
I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said No! You dont just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didnt sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you dont, you cant take your medicine, and if you dont take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too. I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasnt even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didnt want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.
I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didnt even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your spoons are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrows spoons, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less spoons. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on spoons, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didnt want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.
We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.
When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldnt have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didnt even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you cant do it all.
I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didnt want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday? I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I cant forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.
Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole days plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count spoons.
After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I cant go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said Dont worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I dont have room for wasted time, or wasted spoons and I chose to spend this time with you.
Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isnt just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they dont take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my spoons.
© Christine Miserandino
*We have English, Spanish, French and Hebrew translations of The Spoon Theory available.
-- Below u can see someone has copied this but changed it to paintbrushes!
i left the person this comment
i feel pretty offended that u have taken the spoons article and changed it like this without giving credit --
My dad and I were eating dinner, talking when I was visiting him due to his health. Seemed, it was very late and we were talking about my artwork and the thought of me painting on his wheelchair. We spent a lot of time talking about my kids, his grand kids and how they have grown so fast. Then we spent time talking about our health and ages, T.V shows or trivial things.
We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.