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Emotionally Needy People

How many emotionally needy people are there out there? I would say billions. What do emotionally needy people need? They need all the human emotional needs.

The Top Ten Emotional Needs

Emotionally Needy People Need Love

Emotionally Needy People Need to Know How the Other Person is Feeling

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Under construction - Emotionally needy emotionally abused

The Top Ten Emotional Needs

It is hard to say exactly what the most important ten emotional needs are, but here is a suggestion. More emotional needs are found on this page.

1 Accepted
2 Believed in
3 Cared about
4 Forgiven
5 Loved
6 Safe
7 Supported
8 Trusted
9 Understood
10 Valued (Includes appreciated)
Emotionally Needy People Need Love

This is so obvious, yet there is only one result for this in Google as of June 2011.

Love in this context means they need all of the human emotional needs.

Emotionally Needy People Need to Know How the Other Person is Feeling

Below is from some personal writing by Steve. It is an example of me needing to know how someone else felt because I was afraid they were feeling something which could lead to them rejecting me.

I am talking to an online volunteer who I will call Beth. I am feeling emotionally empty. It would help to get some emotional support from her right now. I wrote:

can u plz indulge me and try to name 3 feelings ur feeling...?

I don't want her to know how bad I really feel...

I don't want her to feel responsible.

I resent the people who fucked me up so much emotionally. Who used me. Controlled me.


Feb 2012 note - The last line reminds me of this "I hate what they did to my brain." See page on hate.

I'm afraid to tell you what i need

Searching Google for that expression....

No results found for "I am afraid to tell you what I need".

But people *are* afraid to tell others what they need. Especially emotionally abused people. Maybe they don't even know what they need.

I am starting to realize what I need. What is causing me pain. When I feel the pain from feeling unimportant now I tell my partner, "I need to feel important to someone."


S. Hein

When you are emotionally needy, your priorities are always changing. There is almost always a "Drama" or a "crisis".

When you are emotionally needy and not assertive or aggressive, you want someone to ask you how you are feeling. You don't want to bother them. But you do want them to ask you and notice when you are feeling down.

This became very clear to me one day when I was chatting with someone. I started feeling discouraged and she didn't know it since she couldn't see me. I didn't really want to just tell her. I wanted her to notice I hadn't been typing and responding.

I remembered when my partner once was cutting herself and I had my back turned to her. I felt so bad when I saw the blood. It was her way of showing me how much pain she was in. If I had only been paying attention to her and asked her how she was feeling... then she wouldn't have been in that much pain.

So I wanted the person I was chatting with to ask me how I was feeling, if something was wrong. At the same time I didn't want to "dump" all my emotional problems and umet needs on her.

I wrote to myself in another window

she has no idea how i am feeling now. because she cant see me.

she doesnt know what hurts or how much it hurts.

do i tell her? or let her keep doing whatever she is dong?

im wondering if she has even noticed... why did i say "even noticed"? to feel more sorry for myself?

is it ok to feel pain for one's self?

is it healthy or unhealthy

i dont want to pretend that im ok. cuz im not. im in pain.

the last thing she said was something about the smiley icons.she's pretty happy/content. i cant relate to that right now. i want her or someone to know how much pain i am in. how much it hurts when someone tells me they are doing something else when i am talking to them and i need their full attention

i would like people around me to know what hurts me.

then if they care, they will take care not to do the things that hurt.

i feel just a little suicidal now. as in thinking this will never work. i will never get enough of my needs me. i will aways be in pain. why not just kill myself now?

it helped when ang said "did i say something..." - she was at least aware.. notice how i say "at least.."

that implies i want/need more.

im wondering what she is thinking now, or how she is feeling. or if she is aware i have been silent for a long time.

it reminds me of the poem about the person who wants to leave to see if anyone will follow her.

i write *wants to cry

and wait....

it takes too long for the reply. 30 seconds is too long. 20 is too long. 10 is too long

i am afraid to tell her what need

i wonder if anyone has said that on the net, so I do this google search

Feeling Unimportant

Feeling valued is similar to feeling important. Maybe we could say feeling important is part of feeling valued.

To give you an indication of how many people don't feel important a Google search of "I don't feel important" gave over 1 million results. A search of "I feel unimportant" gave another 150,000 + results.

Talking about emotional things in a relationship with two emotionally needy people is like walking on thin ice.

You never know when it will break and you will fall in and maybe even drown.

So it is good or necessary to check each inch of the way.

Asking how someone feels is like checking the thickness of the ice.

From different Places On EQI.org

It is more helpful to talk about a person being needy than to call them selfish. If we say "selfish" we tend to think of it as a "character flaw", ... from selfish.htm


So they are needy. Emotionally needy. They have enough to eat, ... So they become more and more needy. They need attention from the females... from mario.htm


But if we say "needy" then we might start to ask ourselves why the person is needy, what they need exactly, and why their needs were not me. ... from loo.htm


One of the main things I want to say is that because I was so emotionally needy, I drove away the females I most wanted and needed. ...from men.htm


Emotionally Needy people take everything personally.


This was from my journal when I was thinking about how an online friend said she was saving money to by her friend a birthday present and I quickly took it personally by thinking something like "You could be saving money to come meet me if I were really important to you." In other words, I thought of my needs, such as the need to feel important to people.



Below are more things I found on my site related to being "emotionally needy" - I may organize them more one day...


From my blog

Emotionally Needy -

I still don't have a specfic file on emotionally needy people. I want to create one. Here is what was 1 on google today...


This article bothers me because the author lacks compassion. I define compassion as empathy + understanding. The author seems to have close to zero of either empathy or understanding. She mocks, minimizes and invalidates people who are emotionally needy. For example, putting "trauma" in quotes. She doesn 't see how much damage emotional abuse and neglect does. She was surely emotionally abused herself, but seems not to realize it. And doesn 't understand what emotionally needy people need. She seems to condemn them. But this is like condemning someone for being hungry or starving. It is not helpful. Not even to the people she writes towards. Instead it is likely to make them feel more judgmental of other people, which doesn't help the person who is judging. Even if her advice of basically leaving such people may be helpful, the way she says it is not an emotionally intelligent way to go about it.

She basically sounds bitter and resentful. It is obvious she is talking about a personal experience she had. But she doesn't seem to take any responsibility for being in the relationship in the first place. I would guess she is not particularly aware of her own emotional needs. Here is one example of her tone:

They always to churn up some drama --She writes: it could be the normal growing up stuff that we all went through.." but this shows that she minimizes the damage whch was done to her. Or denies it completely. She doesn't realize that not everyone goes through the same thing. Some people really are abused, but she seems to think they should just "get over it." I worry that she may have kids and invalidate their feelings with her beliefs.


- I didn't finish searching, copying and pasting from within the EQI site on the term "needy"