Home | Abuse
Affects of Abuse
Personal Writing by S. Hein
I was just wondering.. why me? Why
did Professor Garnier pick me?
It seems wrong to call him Maurice. Calling him Maurice
seems to imply that we were friends. Actually, at one
point I would have believed we were friends. I wonder if
I would have thought he cared about me. When I was 18 I
didn't speak in terms of "I feel cared about."
By the way, just 5 minutes ago, I didnt plan to
write something about Maurice. Now I feel okay calling
him that. After all, we did become fairly
intimate. We will always have some kind of a
connection. I am sure he didnt think of that when
he did what he did to me.
Not sure which direction to go with my writing now. Is it
journal writing or is it an article for my site? It is
both, lets say. I feel sure that somehow this will
help someone somewhere. In any case, it will help me.
I started thinking about Maurice
when I was reflecting on something that just happened. To
summarize it, I felt unimportant, unvalued. This hurt me,
more deeply than one would think was "rational"
without knowing my history.
To give some recent background, a
few days ago I went through two really traumatic nights.
One night was mostly because of the weather. My partner
and I had been camping during a storm and I came
dangerously close to hypothermia. We saw a video about it
the next day at the National Park center. It showed how
the combination of wind and rain strips you quickly of
your body heat. And it talked about how most fabric loses
its insulation value when it is wet. I was soaked.
I was in my shorts so my legs were
exposed to the wind. I kept going outside in the wind and
rain to try to secure the plastic sheets which we had
over the tent. That tent was never intended to be used in
a heavy rain. So we thought putting plastic tarps over it
would work. But the wind changed directions, and it was
much stronger than expected. So it just blew the tarps
right off the tent with a frightening sound as it whipped
them around over our heads. We got almost no sleep that
The night before it was because my
partner was thinking about leaving me. I am terrified of
abandonment. Someone I was traveling with once pointed
that out to me and I agree. I have been abandoned too
many times. It is traumatic for me now.
I have been traumatized in both large and small ways. I
am sitting on a low lying branch of a tree now, with my
feet propped up on another branch from another tree. I am
completely hidden. Like so many times, I feel safer
surrounded by trees. Much safer than around people.
No one in the world knows where I
am. If I had a sudden heart attack, it would probably
take days to find me. I am not far from the cabins and
where I left my partner, but no one knows that.
These past few days have weakened me. Which returns me to
the topic of Maurice. Professor Garnier. He had a certain
power over me since I was his student. You can read all
about it on the link below if you care to. It is
embarrassing, yet it happened and it is part of me now,
for better or worse. It probably is for worse since I
feel my eyes start to water. Only ever so slightly
though. I dont make a big deal out of the fact that
I was sexually abused. Maybe I should talk
about it more here. Or somewhere. Maybe it would be
healthy for me to talk to people here in New Zealand
about it. Maybe it would help them and me.
But I really am curious... why me? Why did Garnier pick
me? Notice I now have switched to calling him by his last
name. It is colder. I feel colder now, a little
resentful. I wonder, was it the way I looked? Was he
attracted to me because of my physical looks? Do I look
feminine or something? Or did I look so to him?
Was it because I laughed at his jokes and this led him to
believe I would be or was attracted to him? I resent that
he never asked how I felt. I tried so hard to tell him
anyhow though, in the only ways I knew of at the time.
No one ever prepared me to a) talk about my true feelings
or b) more specifically, talk to someone who wanted to
have sex with me when I was not the least bit interested.
I hope that someone who is thinking of sexually abusing
someone else will read this. And they will stop to think.
Think of how disgusting they might actually be to the
person who cant say no.
I am not talking about the kind of forced rape in which
someone physically ties someone else down, or beats them.
Not like the poor woman whose picture I saw yesterday,
whose face was beaten and swollen. It hurts and angers me
to think of it now...
No, I am talking about emotional violation which precedes
the sexual act.
I feel determined now. Determined to finish this article
and post it. I want people to read it. I feel unsatisfied
with it, at least at this point, like my partner who is
always unsatisfied with her paintings, but I will not
throw it out. Yesterday she told me she sometimes get so
frustrated with her own paintings she tears them up or
puts a big red X through them. I felt sad to hear that. I
feel sad to think of it now.
She is so talented. Yet she values herself and her talent
at about zero or 1 on a scale of zero to ten.
She is painting the person I called Brooke on
my site. Brooke came to visit us last year. My partner
took a picture of her so she could use it to draw or
paint from later. It is a nice feeling to know she is
painting Brooke. And has been for several days now.
Lets see. We got a call from Cheryl on Saturday.
She said we could have the studio for a few weeks. The
woman who was using it to paint from was nice enough to
clean all her things out for us and loan it to us. So we
went in on Saturday and started painting then. No, she
actually started a couple of days before that. She
painted from the campground picnic table the first and
second day I think. Then Saturday was the third day she
was painting but we were able to move into her studio
room. Today is Tuesday so that makes it five days until
now. Each day she paints from one to 3 or 4 hours.
It is nice to see her motivated. It is one of the first
times in her life she has ever painted just because she
wanted to, with no pressure from any one externally like
in her school art classes saying the painting was due on
a certain day.
She has been pressured and controlled externally all her
life. And it nearly killed her.
Any psychologist will tell you that some people are more
intrinsically motivated, and my partner is one. But all
her life she has been motivated by fear from the outside.
Fear of disapproval, punishment, rejection, failure, not
making it to the university etc. She had a much harder
childhood and adolescence than I did. I wasnt
depressed or suicidal as a teen. Only around the age of
18, coincidently? The same year that I was sexually
abused, I did think of killing myself when I felt
rejected by a girl. I am really not sure which happened
first. So I cant blame my suicidal feelings on what
Maurice did. In fact, I think I felt suicidal before he
did what he did.
I see that I have started eating two apples at the same
time! ha ha. Yes, it is true. I have been putting one, or
actually two it seems, back into a bag on the ground. Now
I see that I actually reached in and started over with a
new one at one point before finishing the first one! I
guess I was a little distracted.
I feel better now. I was actually laughing. But I want to
return to what is serious. And, btw, thank you for
reading. Your comments will be appreciated.
Interestingly, when I started this website I was afraid I
would get a lot of hate mail. But that has never
happened. I might get one or two hurtful emails per year
and those are easy enough to erase. So I can relatively
say that your comments are welcome. They help me in fact.
They let me know you are reading and that what I write is
touching someone out there.
I am motivated by both intrinsic
and extrinsic things I suppose. My partner is more
motivated by the intrinsics than I am. Word tells me that
intrinsics is not a real word. Oh well.
My battery has 85% remaining. I am happy about that.
So back to what is serious. I started to write with this
thought in mind, or these thoughts....
How much you are valued in a community. Who will miss
you. Who wants you to stay.
Also, your own perceptions of things. And
interpretations. When you have been abused, you take
things more personally. Or perhaps when you have been
I just had a thought... I have been wondering what to do
with some of my writing that I dont want to put on
the main pages. It is too controversial. Or so I fear. So
I will put the link in here. Id rather you not
click on it now so you can keep reading this, but if you
are interested in more of my writing, then you can come
back to it. I only want to show it to people who have
gotten deeper into my writing than just the average user
who spends, according to my user statistics, 68 seconds
on my site. Doesnt sound like much does it? It
hurts a little to know that people only spend an average
of 68 seconds on the site. I suppose a lot of people will
be surprised to read that. I have often gotten emails
that say I have just spent hours on your
site.. etc, but there are over 500 people who come
to the site every day so...
Ok so here is that link I was talking about. I think I
will just put the url in and explain how to use it,
rather than making it a link.. or maybe I will put it at
the bottom of the page. No, I will do it now.. the page
is society.htm. I guess I will just trust that you can
figure out how to access it. Basically you just put it
after eqi.org in the URL line, taking out whatever else
was there after the eqi.org/ and replacing it with
I checked yesterday or the day before and saw that it
wasnt linked in to the site anywhere. I took it out
when I moved to Montenegro because I wanted to start kind
of a clean slate, then I just never got around to
cleaning up the things I wanted to before I put it back
on. So maybe I will work on it more today....
Anyhow, - but first something funny I just looked
around a little more and saw that someone had set up a
nice place for sleeping. There is a sleeping bag, pillow,
plastic, etc. I had been thinking it would be a nice
place to sleep and someone else had the same idea. I also
thought the trees are so thick here you wouldnt
know if someone were sleeping just two trees down from
you! Someone could have been there the whole time in
So back to my original thoughts... I guess I cant
really say when you have been abused...
because I am talking about me. So I will say what it is
like for me.... This reminds me of when I saw a counselor
a few times at the University of South Florida. I have
forgotten his name now.. but I would like to know it
again and write to him. He helped me. I was so externally
motivated, so approval seeking. He helped me see that. I
remember once I told him that I had cleaned the bathtub
and thought the bathtub appreciates me cleaning
it. He said you are still thinking of
external things, which is of course true.
In reading this book about the lawyer turned monk, I will
put the link at the bottom... he talks about the
importance of your mission and your talent. I am really
not sure what my talent is. I think I am pretty good at a
few things, like questioning things, but it is more
obvious with my partner. She is obviously talented at
painting and drawing. I think she is also naturally
talented at feeling, and thinking about feelings.
I just felt physically tired... almost rolled over to
rest. But I want to finish this and post it...
So I will try to wrap up, and thank you again for your
For me, I am so afraid of other peoples rejection,
disapproval. I feel so undervalued. I am not normal. I am
a non-conformist. Supposedly I scored the highest on
non-conformity of anyone who had ever taken
someones little test in Dallas once. I kept that
for a long time but it is lost now...
Anyhow, for me as an abused, non-conformist I am always
afraid of doing the wrong thing, of being
disapproved of or punished or rejected or unwelcome.
The specific thing that happened to
remind me of my feelings of low value was that I walked
past some people, so close that they definitely saw me.
But they looked away and didn't acknowledge me. They
didn't take note of the fact I had my backpack on or ask
me if I were leaving town. So I wondered how much I
mattered to them - how important I was. I would have felt
more valued, important, etc. if they would have stopped
and said with surprise and concern, Are you
It would have helped fill some of my unmet emotional
needs (link below) if someone had shown me that they
cared whether I was coming back again or not. It hurts
now that no one did. It hurts more than any one in that
group would understand. No one there had been my lover,
or even what I would call a close friend, so I would
guess that unless you are highly sensitive, and you have
been abused, you wont understand how it could hurt
I would really like it in fact, if
someone, even one person, (other than my partner-who
always understands) would tell me that they do
understand. But more than just say I
understand, write a bit more and explain why they
This reminds me of the idea that it is not enough just to
say I understand in fact, one person
said he hates that. (link below)
Feeling unvalued and unimportant
reminded me of a small community I lived in once. I had
to pay a monthly fee to live there. With time it seemed
my only value to the people who managed the place was the
money I paid each month. And even that didn't seem to be
very appreciated. I honestly dont think anyone
cared very much whether I stayed or left. If I had killed
myself, I am pretty sure no one who had met me would have
cried. I used to wonder what they would say.
This reminds me so much of a family. And how a suicidal
teenager feels when they feel confused, unvalued, uncared
I just want to add that I am thinking of someone who
lives in Tasmania now. I want her to know I havent
forgotten her even though I havent had time to
write or chat. I want to tell her more about this place
so she can learn about her own situation. I hope she is
still alive. I feel guilty that I havent written
more and gone online when she was on so we could chat.
When I was living there I remember how much I wanted to
be valued for the things that are most important to me. I
wanted to teach people to start to talk about how they
feel using the 0-10 scale and about how to be more
emotionally honest and emotionally literate.
When I lived there I never wanted
to walk past the manager's office when I was depressed or
thinking about something intensely because I was afraid I
would see someone and I feel obligated to smile and say
Good morning when it was not a good morning
So my point is that being abused
leaves you feeling empty and worthless, possibly for your
whole life. Then what seems to be a small thing re-opens
the wound and the pain quickly reaches an intensity only
someone else who has been deeply emotionally damaged can
Ok thank you again for reading.
Core Components of
Intelligence | Empathy
Emotional Abuse | Understanding
Literacy | Feeling Words
Respect | Parenting | Caring
Listening | Invalidation | Hugs
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