Eva and Her Mother

Eva is the niece of Camucha, who is a friend and the director of an NGO in Lima. Eva's mother is Camucha's sister. I had a chance to sit with Eva and her mother for about two hours the day I went to pick up one of my backpacks which Eva had kept for me. Here are some notes.

Her mother talks like she is on some kind of drugs. Like Eva is not there. Kept saying Eva doesn't listen to me. Eva this, Eva that. Once she said, "The problem is her friends." She kept saying things like "Eva has to do so and so" and "Eva has to understand" and "She has to respect ..." and "When I was young I didn't have as much freedom as I give Eva."

Her mother locked the door from the inside so Eva couldn't get out. Eva will be seventeen this month. But the mother still calls her a "little girl" a niña. This offends Eva and she says "I am not a niña!"

When I told the mother that in my house it was impossible for us to lock the door from the inside so that no one could get out. She said "That is because it is so dangerous here." Eva then started to laugh because this was such a lie It was obvious that the mother had locked the door to keep Eva in, not to keep dangerous people out. Eva said. "The door has been open all day!" Then the mother said defensively and arrogantly, "It is night time now." But the mother told me herself before she locked the door that she was going to lock it so Eva couldn't get out.

And the mother doesn't understand why Eva is rebellious.

The mother has also told Eva she is not allowed to work. Then when I said I thought it would be a good idea for her to work the mother said that "It is hard for minors to get jobs".

In other words, the mother lies to try to defend how she treats Eva and Eva knows the mother lies.

I asked Eva if she felt more loved or more controlled. She said she feels completely controlled.

Eva has learned to lie to her mother, learned to manipulate her at times but the mother resents this and feels out of control. So she locks the door. It is typical in Peru, as in Ecuador for the parents to be the only ones with keys to the house.

The mother says she doesn't believe in violence but she admits Eva's father hit Eva with a broom handle the week before. And she admits that the father threatened to break Eva's legs. But the mother defends the father and said he only loses his temper from time to time. She said the father feels bad after he hits Eva, but he won't apologize.

The mother said she and Eva are seeing a psychologist but Eva doesn't obey the psychologist when the psychologist tells her that she needs to do things like keep her room clean.

The mother says Eva isn't responsible but she doesn't give her any responsibility. She buys her clothes, pays for her school, cooks for her etc. The mother feels unappreciated but plays the role of the martyr and says she wants nothing for herself and gives every last cent to Eva.

S. Hein

Important Topics
for Teens

Emotional Literacy
Invalidation | Hugs
Emotional Abuse |
Feeling Words
Depression

How Your Parents Could be if they read this page on Parenting

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