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Mail - April-June, 2015
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...anyhow what if u mail me when u are free...
ah but i just remembered u will have ur dd. dear daughter. :) have u seen that abbrev? probly so..
well if i fall asleep (i am laying in bed now) before we talk again tonight i want to say i feel optimistic after talking to u. (as well as the other things i already mentioned...)
i really want more people who call themselves christians to be exposed to my ideas. btw i say "people who call themselves..." because the older i get the less i like labels. to me we are all humans and it would help the world if we all remembered that. i dont like the labels for countries of birth such as american, canadian etc either. i dont consider myself american anymore. just a citizen of the world. there are some benefits to having a US passport but also some disadvantages. over all i dont like the idea of being owned/controlled by any group of people who don't know me or care much about me, if at all.
how ok are u with me saying "people who call themselves christians"?
i want to be very sensitive to your beliefs. I respect u and admire u a lot for questioning them as much as you have btw.
oh, one more thing. the word blessings rubs me the wrong way a bit... how ok would it be to use something else with me?
one thing i dont like about the usa is "have a great day" and i have read some pple or a lot say "have a blessed day", which to me is pretty presumptuous and i would feel even a bit worse if someone said that to me than "have a great day".
so anyhow i really do want to know how you feel about these things. i am at a point where i am going to be online a lot i think and so my friendships/emotional support depend on the net for now.. in fact they have for long time. especially after p left me. so i'd like to develop a good friendship with u and also working relationship. i often have too high expectations and get very disappointed tho and have too many ideas for most people so if i seem a bit... hmm... i cant think of a word.. but if u feel pressured or skeptical or uncomf about something im saying please let me know right up front as soon as u feel the feeling. how does that sound to you so far?
i suspect u and i are going to have a lot to talk about... and one of my worries now is time. because urs seems pretty limited compared to mine. but i also feel flexible about that, and understanding.
so that's it for now.
I know that you are busy and can't reply to my email, but I just wanted to say thank you, thank you so much for your website. It has changed my life and is helping me so much. To understand myself, my husband, and my family more.
I am 33 now and a stay at home mom. I was a depressed and suicidal teen who harmed myself. I grew up in a religious home, with a very strict mother. Very controlling, critical, gave a lot of advice. In fact, when my husband proposed to me, when he dropped me off at home, my mom sat us down for a very agonizing and anxiety inducing, hour-long lecture.
Because of my mother's abuse and basic emotional neglect, also my dad's eventual departure from his marriage to my mom, only to become married to another woman who was more controlling, I was expected as a teenager to be perfectly good, to go to church, and to take care of my sister. I learned to be compliant inside and tried really hard not to stir the waters, in fear of my mother's wrath. At the start of my 9th grade year, we had moved to a new city with a new school district. My mom did not get up to see me off and while this hurt me, I also didn't want to cause any trouble.
Because of this I became very secretive, especially when it came to sexual situations. I only had sex with two people before my husband. There wasn't understanding for me these in situations and I was basically told by my mom and others within the fundamental Christian religious community, to "stay pure or else." Over time, thankfully, through a less strict gospel message, my mom has improved and while I would say that she can still be critical, she is a lot less controlling and more understanding of me in my life.
Right now, my husband is separated because of his verbal and emotional abuse of me. I was and still am not a great communicator myself, but there were times it seemed no matter what I would say he would constantly put me down, ignore me, demand of me. He can be very needy of me and overwhelming. When I was working, he would call me all the time at my work, causing problems. When I had to quit my job, because of illness, he called me incessantly while I was at home and expected me to drop everything I was doing to take care of him.
It's been very hard. I've done a lot of soul searching and a lot of prayer. I had a plan for suicide last February and am now living back with my parents out of desperation and protection for myself and my daughter.
I thank you so much for this website. Before I went to the hospital for my suicidal plan, I didn't really know what invalidation was. I don't remember how exactly I stumbled upon your website, but somehow I did. Just learning about validation and invalidation helped me so much and why I have felt so misunderstood and alone my whole life. It has really helped me to put things into perspective. And I am continuing to read and learn. I am going through the exercises and working at expressing myself better through I feel...etc.
Many blessings to you and the wonderful work you are doing,
i am working on this page....
could u give me ur thoughts/feelings/feedback?
Steve, First off, I would like to say, that so much of
what I read on your website hits me to the
core. I usually am weeping, because so much of
my life is explained in what you say. I feel that I
have always lived with emotional abuse and that I haven't
known what it is like to live without that.
I have never lived on my own without an
authority figure/usually a Christian authority figure, or
a husband. Wow, wow, just wow. I am
trying so hard to articulate what I feel and how certain
things just jump out to me. I am journaling a
lot and writing out a lot of what you have written into
my journal, so that I can better understand what I have
gone through growing up with emotional abuse,
growing up with the expectations and rigidity
and lack of understanding of the Christian religion, and
an emotionally abusive, needy, controlling
(possibly borderline personality disorder) spouse.