Mail - April-June, 2015

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I know that you are busy and can't reply to my email, but I just wanted to say thank you, thank you so much for your website.  It has changed my life and is helping me so much.  To understand myself, my husband, and my family more.

I am 33 now and a stay at home mom.  I was a depressed and suicidal teen who harmed myself.  I grew up in a religious home, with a very strict mother.  Very controlling, critical, gave a lot of advice.  In fact, when my husband proposed to me, when he dropped me off at home, my mom sat us down for a very agonizing and anxiety inducing, hour-long lecture.

Because of my mother's abuse and basic emotional neglect, also my dad's eventual departure from his marriage to my mom, only to become married to another woman who was more controlling, I was expected as a teenager to be perfectly good, to go to church, and to take care of my sister.  I learned to be compliant inside and tried really hard not to stir the waters, in fear of my mother's wrath.  At the start of my 9th grade year, we had moved to a new city with a new school district.  My mom did not get up to see me off and while this hurt me, I also didn't want to cause any trouble.

Because of this I became very secretive, especially when it came to sexual situations.  I only had sex with two people before my husband.  There wasn't understanding for me these in situations and I was basically told by my mom and others within the fundamental Christian religious community, to "stay pure or else."      Over time, thankfully, through a less strict gospel message, my mom has improved and while I would say that she can still be critical, she is a lot less controlling and more understanding of me in my life.

Right now, my husband is separated because of his verbal and emotional abuse of me.  I was and still am not a great communicator myself, but there were times it seemed no matter what I would say he would constantly put me down, ignore me, demand of me.  He can be very needy of me and overwhelming.  When I was working, he would call me all the time at my work, causing problems.  When I had to quit my job, because of illness, he called me incessantly while I was at home and expected me to drop everything I was doing to take care of him. 

It's been very hard.  I've done a lot of soul searching and a lot of prayer.  I had a plan for suicide last February and am now living back with my parents out of desperation and protection for myself and my daughter. 

I thank you so much for this website.  Before I went to the hospital for my suicidal plan, I didn't really know what invalidation was.  I don't remember how exactly I stumbled upon your website, but somehow I did.  Just learning about validation and invalidation helped me so much and why I have felt so misunderstood and alone my whole life.  It has really helped me to put things into perspective.  And I am continuing to read and learn.  I am going through the exercises and working at expressing myself better through I feel...etc.

Many blessings to you and the wonderful work you are doing,

Steve, First off, I would like to say, that so much of what I read on your website hits me to the core.  I usually am weeping, because so much of my life is explained in what you say.  I feel that I have always lived with emotional abuse and that I haven't known what it is like to live without that.  I have never lived on my own without an authority figure/usually a Christian authority figure, or a husband.  Wow, wow, just wow.  I am trying so hard to articulate what I feel and how certain things just jump out to me.  I am journaling a lot and writing out a lot of what you have written into my journal, so that I can better understand what I have gone through growing up with emotional abuse, growing up with the expectations and rigidity and lack of understanding of the Christian religion, and an emotionally abusive, needy, controlling (possibly borderline personality disorder) spouse.
Now, back to my feedback/feelings about the government abuse page(s):
sunvaccinated into concentration camps and that those who are unvaccinated are endangering others.  It's very fear mongering and about control.  90-95% of the US population has been vaccinated and still there are outbreaks.  The most recent being measles, yet it is so small in comparison to the rest of the population.  They are doing things to control people, rather than showing that they care.  Most of the people who don't get their kids or themselves vaccinated are truly concerned about the possible effects of vaccinations and they are often bullied, made fun of, called selfish, and not empathized with at all.  It really truly breaks my heart.  Especially when I read stories from mothers who watches their child change dramatically after a round of vaccines and how easily they are dismissed as just bad and irresponsible mothers by most of society.  And one of the government's ideas for a bill to remedy this situation, was to try to make everyone be fully vaccinated to be able to go to school or get a job.  Stuff like that. 
That kind of control really scares me.  Also this idea that school is good and safe.  It is not.  Teachers are so abusive.  I was a compliant easily controlled, student.  But I remember a teacher violently throwing a student's desk into the hallway when he wouldn't "behave."  And then having my name shamefully written on the board and embarrassed in front of other students for talking out of turn. 
I remember having a really bad day my senior year when I was 18 (a legal adult).  I asked the nurse if because I was 18 and we couldn't get a hold of my mom if I could just go home.  She said no.  I was pretty angry.  It was also hard for me, because I was also taking post-secondary classes at a community college and I was really enjoying the freedom of not needing to ask permission to get up and use the bathroom, that I could just leave when I needed to and miss days, often without being noticed.  I also hated that it was obvious that I had been crying and was in emotional distress, but no one asked me what was wrong or how I was feeling.  There was so much control without caring.  Then I felt angry and like I should just leave anyway, but I didn't.  I went back to my class and hid my feelings.
I also worked as a lunch lady very briefly at a few more private charter schools.  I felt that the children were being children and the teachers were often unnecessarily harsh and demanding.  There was this one music teacher who would yell at and embarrass her often male students for misbehaving in class.  I remember feeling so sorry for the student she was talking to and the fact that I could hear her berate him from her class, all the way into the cafeteria where I preparing his food.  Later, I worked as a waitress and she was seated at one of my tables.  She acted completely differently, but I felt scared that she was going to lecture and berate me, the way she did her students.  No other adult ever said anything to her about how she was talking to her students.  It seemed the students were always blamed and expected to act better than even the teachers.
I feel very helped by what you have written about government and its rules/control.  I was raised in a Christian home/culture (my best friend from age 10 to very recently, because I no longer consider her my best friend, is a certified pastor with the Assemblies of God denomination and is currently on her way to Costa Rica to share Jesus with Muslims.  Also, a note about my pain in that, is that we are taught within the Christian religion to follow God over our family/friends and relationships.  I shared with her my depression and pain and my plans for suicide.  That was in February.  Since that time she didn't follow up with me, but sent me a shared text about her excitement to finally be again following what she feels is God's plan for her of being a missionary.  I felt abandoned and uncared for) which teaches that people who are not Christians will go to hell.  And not just like hell, but horribly tortured for eternity.  This means that if they have been tortured for billions of years, then they haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg of what an eternity of torture is!  And this for just not believing in Christ.  And it all depends on how they believed.  Some denominations taught that Mother Theresa went to hell!  Thankfully, I was never comfortable with this belief. It tortured me for years, especially after my gay friend died suddenly in a car accident and the coldness from my Christian friends about her death!  Wow.  Thankfully, I started seriously questioning and I no longer believe that. 
I am reading through the stuff that Wayne wrote.  I agree that depression is a belief that one does not have control over one's life.  Wow.  What a realization.
And yes, I have felt trapped by government rules and regulations (speed traps).  And by having to pay taxes for programs that I don't need nor believe it.  Like, we are taxed for medicare, which is primarily for the medical establishment.  Perhaps alternative healing methods would be better, but there is no option for this. 
I don't like the word privilege either.  Like it's called a privilege to drive a car in America.  But other systems are not in place for transportation unless you live in a big city that provides this.  Like, in a city that I lived in in Colorado, they were really encouraging using bikes, and had many bike lanes to help encourage this. 
Interesting questions: who defines what "abuse" is? Who defines what our "rights" are? Who defines what "consent" is? "Married" is?
So many to deeply ponder.
Overall, I feel really more thoughtful and aware of what abuse in government and religion is.  What is used to control us and how certain things are pushed upon us as good things.  Are they really good?  Is their idea of doing it, the best idea?  Have we ever questioned these things?  I know that for me, a huge growing point for me, was greatly questioning my religion.  Things that are usually never questioned.  I think there is a lot of fear in questioning.  I think that when people start to question they are usually admonished and shamed.  I know when I started to question the belief of hell within the religion that I was raised in, that I felt I needed to be quiet about it.  That I felt I wouldn't be understood.  In fact, my husband said something to a family friend who was super religious and often more controlling than caring and he immediately said, "Oh, that is a very dangerous thing to do.  I wouldn't do that if I were her."  And at first I felt shame, but then later, I was like, why not?  And why is that dangerous?  And why did he immediately try and shut me down, rather than try to understand why I was doing it? 
My friend who is a pastor did that to me when I had heard that there is a word in the new testament of the bible that may not mean homosexuality, though it is translated as that in the English version and it is preached as a way to prove that homosexuality is indeed a sin.  When I questioned about my friend about the word and that I was going to study it more and try and find the true meaning, she said, "I would be really careful about doing that.  You could get led astray."  And I was like, what?  Why?  So much discouragement for just questioning and seeking a more defined truth.  What I found led me to tears.  The bible is not so black and white about homosexuality as many Christians believe and it is definitely not a sin.  Yet, no  matter the evidence I give or how I try and get them to question that perhaps this belief is wrong and they are hurting many people and judging them harshly, they will still say that they are "stupid for choosing that lifestyle," and that "a sin, is a sin, is a sin."
It makes me feel sad. 
Overall, I found this page very helpful, informative, though provoking, and questioning.  Perhaps it could lead to more understanding and caring and less control and abuse. 
Naomi

Hi Steve,

I have been reading Lefkoe's book. He seems to be one of the few people who I found to acknowledge invalidation and seems to care about kids.

I feel positive about his ideas.

I felt curious about how you feel and think about ir.

Radovan

--

hi r

i have mixed feelings about these ideas on limiting beliefs. i believe there is a lot of truth in what he says and it is important to be aware of our beliefs and where they come from and how they affect us. but i feel sure that this kind of thing would not help a depressed teenager or priscilla very much.

i am afraid they would not feel very understood or empathized with. for example if u said to them, just change your beliefs and if u told them that they are attracting the things into their life i think they would feel more alone and would feel blamed for their shity lives. sort of like telling the slaves to just change their attitudes. (and telling them that they are attracting shitty, abusive masters)

but for someone in ur situation, who has more freedom and control over their lives, this way of thinking can help, but i also am worried u will put too much belief in it and not just use it one piece of the healing puzzle.

s