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These are some notes I made about someone I met in
Indonesia who tried to kill herself as a teen and even
younger.... S. Hein
nana is 20 now. she comes from a rich family. she has been too lots of foreign countries. something very unusual here. she first tried to kill herself at 9. she said because of the pressures - to be perfect, to make the good grades that her parents expected. and the pressures to be a ballerina. this was her mother's idea. her mother made her go to lessons for about 4 years. then nana finally told her she didn't want to be a ballerina and didn't want to go to lessons anymore. then her mother made her study the piano - nana did this for a while too till she told her mother she would rather play the violin. nana says her mother tries to live her life through her. and it is clear this is true. her father was never home. nana said she never met him till she was 4. he was always overseas on business trips. she was sexually harrassed by many people including the chauffeur a teacher and an uncle. - all before she was 12. this is typical of girls from dysfunctional families - they have no self confidence to tell someone to leave them alone. she said she tried to kill herself about once a year till 18 the last time she tried it was because her bf left her. she invalidates herself by saying this was a "ridiculous" reason to try to commit suicide. she started to cry when she was telling me about some of her memories. i asked her if she thought it was okay to cry or weak to cry. she said weak. - this is also typical of dysfunctional families. i asked how she would feel about a hug and she said it was okay. i was encouraged by this since we were in a restaurant and her chauffer was sitting outside. i put my arm on her shoulder for a minute or two but she didn't turn to me and really cry, which would have been healthier i think. so anyhow, she needs someone to tell her it is okay to cry. someone to listen to her. someone to hold her and not touch her in a way she doesn't want to be touched. someone to respect her feelings. she also said her father never hugged her or listened to her. and she said when she was upset about her bf leaving her at 18 her father shouted at her to stop crying and then he actually kicked her because he was so frustrated. she still lives at home like most single muslim & indonesian women. her mother threatens to stop her allowance when she disobeys her mother. is this a good muslim family? a good human family? |
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Nana's answers to some of the questions on the "Mom test" 1. Does your mother tend to be unforgiving? Does she say things like "I will never be able to forgive you for that." or "If you do so and so I would never be able to forgive you." n 2. Does she make unforgiving comments about other people by saying things like "What he did was unforgivable." y 3. Is it hard or impossible for your mother to admit mistakes? y/n 4. Does your mother always have to have the last word? y 5. Is it important for her that she always appears to be right and to win all the arguments arguements? y 6. Does your mother make you feel responsible for her feelings (for her happiness or unhappiness or hurt or disappointments)? y 7. Does your mother tell you she is disappointed in you? y sometimes 8. Does your mother ever tell you that you don't deserve things? For example, "You don't deserve all the things your father and I do for you." n 9. Does she try to get you to question your own
intelligence by saying things like "You think you
are so smart. But you 10. Does your mother say things like "You could do better" in a disapproving way? y st 11. When you say something which is too close to the truth or when you point out how she is acting hypocriticaly does she feel threatened and say things like: "Don't get smart with me" or "That's absurd" or "You have no idea what you are talking about" or "What gives you the right to say that?" or "How dare you say that?" y 12. Does your mother threaten you with statements like "If you ever do that again..." or "The next time I catch you..." Or "This is the last time..." y if you do that again i will cut your allowance. 13. Does your mother punish you with grounding, taking away the phone, tv, computer etc.? n 14. Does your mother threaten you with total rejection by saying things like: "Get out of the house and never come back." or "I don't want to ever talk to you again." or "If you leave, don't plan on coming back." yes! when i told her i wanted to go to my ex boyfriend's house. hdyf: upset 15. Has she ever locked you out of the house? no -- but when i was a kid she would lock me in my room or bathroom or storage room. when iwas 6 or 7 she once locked me in our old houses storage room. there was a rat. mom get me out of here there is rat 16. Does she make you believe you are a bad daughter
or son by saying things like "What did I do to
deserve you?" or 17 - 23 skipped 24 Has she ever slapped you in the face. y 25. Has she slapped you in the past 6 months? y 26 Has she slapped you in the past 30 days? y
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