Laura M.

Most Recent Items

April - update

Feb 3 - Update

Jan 2 - Journal entry

Jan 1, 2005 - Update

Dec 16 - Unhelpful email I got

Dec 13 - Some art she did on the computer before she left.

Dec 3 - Update and Something she wrote in October

Nov 24 - Update

Nov 17 - Update

Nov 13 - Update

Oct 7 - Update

Laura is a person I lived with for a few months in South America in 2005. She is from Peru. Here is the first thing I wrote about Laura on Aug 15, 2005. I will be putting more and more on, bits and pieces at a time, to tell the whole story of our relationship and our "escape" from Cajamarca. It was a little like trying to help someone escape from a communist country. Well, to be honest it would be just about as hard to help someone escape from a so-called "free country" where they don't give freedom to people under a certain arbitrary age - people like Ocean - for example. But anyhow, here is the page on Laura.

Laura is really amazing. Almost each day I learn something more about her and love her more. She has been so good to me. Sometimes I get so afraid of losing her. She has been so patient with me. She has given me so many hugs and so far has never gotten tired of giving or receiving them. She is more rebellious than I realized when I met her. She is also more sensitive. And more insecure. Sometimes I wish I understood Spanish better or that she spoke English so we could communicate more completely. I am sure there are a lot of little things I miss when she talks. But anyhow all things considered we are getting along really well.

I want to write about our relationship. Its the first time I have been able to really write about a personal romantic relationship. I want to share everything we go through to help others learn. I have this inner motivation to help people avoid all the suffering which I have experienced and now to also help people avoid the suffering which Laura has experienced. This morning I was crying when she told me some of the things her mother said to her and did to her when Laura was young. Laura cried a lot, for example, and her mother would tell her she had no reason to cry. Laura also told me that when she would watch sad movies on TV with her family, they would all make fun of her because she was crying. Now she sometimes still tries to stop her tears but I keep reassuring her it is okay to cry and that has helped her let the tears flow.

One day I could see her eyes start to water and I said "You want to cry, don't you?" At first she denied it but I said I could see it in her eyes and I said it was okay to cry and then she let her self cry.

And she has held me so many times already while I cried in the few months we have been together. When I first met her there were times when I cried for almost no apparent reason. She didn't know what to do or say but I had told her that I just need her to hold me and that is what she did most of the time. There was one time when I went into something like a trance though and couldn't talk or even move. She got frustrated and impatient and she told me she felt useless and she started to cry herself. She told me she felt ignored and she started telling about times when she would feel ignored in her family. Then I felt empathy for her and gave her a hug and we both held each other for a long time.

The other day she felt insecure and, more specifically, jealous and we had a really difficult night. She packed up her small red backpack, gave me back the cell phone I bought for her so we could keep in touch in Cajamarca, and headed for buses out of town. It hurts me to think about it now. It was only the day before yesterday actually. I started writing about it but then lost the file. It was a really ugly scene. The next day I was depressed most of the day. But as we have always been able to do up to this point, we talked about everything during the day and by the end of the day I felt a lot better and so did she. I am scared now, though, that she will want to go back to what I call her abusive family. Like most abused young people I have met, she is very reluctant to say that her family was abusive. But to me it clearly was both physically and psychologically abusive. Her mother hit her with a belt just last month when she found out that Laura was seeing me. Her mother was mostly worried that it looked bad to the neighbors because I am so much older and from another country. Her mother thinks Laura was acting like a slut because we were hugging in public. And her mother thinks that Laura wanted to be with me so she could leave the country and live in the USA and never have to work again. It is sad that after 22 years her mother knows Laura less than I do after only knowing her for less than two months. Her mother has also hit her in the past and then said "Stop crying or I will hit you again." It hurts me to think of someone treating her this way. It hurts me to think of all the children whose parents hit them and all the teens whose parents abuse them, but it especially hurts to think of it happening to Laura. Holding her in my arms while she remembers childhood scenes and cries about them leaves more of an impression on me than reading the words of teens on the computer screen, even though those words often bring me to tears as well.

There are times when we are laying in bed at night and she is sleeping and I think about her and how much I love her and I want to wake her up to tell her. But I let her sleep, not wanting to disturb her rest. I am sure that she wouldn't mind if I did wake her up, but I would feel bad if I did. I can't remember ever feeling that way before about anyone. I haven't had an emotionally close relationship with anyone in several years, and I've never had one this close. I have only told a few females that I feel insecure, for example, at least "real life" females. I was telling Laura about the first time I ever said "I feel insecure" to someone. It was when I was about 43 years old. But I had felt insecure pretty much all of my life. I never told anyone though because a) I didn't know how to say the 3 simple words b) I was probably too insecure to even tell someone if I had thought of saying it. But with Laura I can tell her when I feel insecure and she can tell me. At least most of the time.

The other night the biggest problem was that she felt insecure and then lied to me about it. She was trying really hard to tell me everything was fine, but it didn't seem fine. I kept studying her face and actions to see if I could figure out if she was telling me the truth or not. She had walked away from me about an hour earlier and she had never done that before. Something seemed wrong and it turned out that my instinct was right. Eventually she admitted to me that she had lied to me and she also felt defensive and guilty about something else. I want to write about it more later but basically I just wanted to say here that usually she can tell me when she feels insecure. I have to guess though most of the time and ask her how she is feeling or if she is feeling a little insecure or jealous. I still have a need for a lot of positive female attention, or PFA as I sometimes call it. So sometimes I flirt too much even when I am with her. It feels good to me to see females smile at me and laugh at my jokes etc. This is a problem for Laura, which I can understand but we have been able to talk about it. I know that I am very emotionally needy and I feel a deep need for female approval and acceptance. I have felt rejected by so many females so many times, not to mention abandoned by them. But fortunately, for the time being at least, things are looking a lot better. Having her in my life has changed so many of my feelings. I feel so much more peaceful now. Things that would have caused me a lot of stress or resentment now seem to hardly matter. I feel more patient now and more relaxed. Having her in my life has definitely been good for my health, both physical and mental.

She is still so young at heart and so childlike in so many ways. And she says that I am the same way. We laugh at the silliest little things and I am sure most people wouldn't understand. We tickle each other and make funny faces. She has been gone for about an hour and a half and I am missing her already. At the same time it is nice to have some quiet time alone to write. She is out looking for poor schools where I can help the kids with English. And for what are called night schools where the students typically have family and economic problems. There are so many things I want to do and having her has helped me feel more motivated to do them. I've heard it said that behind every great man there is a great woman. Laura is this kind of person. For me she has almost made the difference between life and death. If things continue to go well we will be doing a lot together. She supports me in almost every way. Well, not financially! I don't know if one day people will think of me as a "great man" but I know that she is a great woman. I can't really even tell her what she means to me, not with words anyhow, because I can't speak Spanish well enough. But my hugs and my tears tell her a lot.

We have talked about so many things that I wish I could share here. I wish I had a tape recorder and could record our conversations and them translate them to English and put them on the site. I have lost so many of the details already, for example things her mother said to her or her ex-boyfriend or her uncle who acted like the father in the house since her father abandoned her when she was a baby. If you ever come to South America you will meet a lot of girls who don't even know their father. This is not especially rare here. Yet it is a very "religious" continent. The Catholic religion is a sad joke here. That is all I will say about it for now. If you have been reading my writing on Peru you have already seen more of my criticisms of the Catholics.

Well, I will get back to writing about emotional intelligence tests. I just needed to write a little about my "amorcita", my little love.

Laura and I are still together. I have been writing a lot but haven't had time to post much. I am realizing more and more how emotionally damaged I was in my family. My insecurities and her insecurities, and the ways we learned to deal with fear and emotional pain are causing a lot of problems for us. But there is a lot of love between us and this has kept us together up till now at least! Today I feel pretty optimistic about things, but we are both so emotionally volatile that I have no idea what tomorrow will be like. Stay tuned!

We are still together! We have had a crazy relationship and most people wouldn't understand, but it seems to be going better through the ups and downs. Here is something I wrote a few days ago on Oct 3 about the day we left Cajamarca.

Yesterday was our 3 month anniversary, starting from the day we left Cajamarca. We are still together but the day before yesterday she packed up her things again and walked out. I followed her for about an hour and finally she sat down and talked to me and we came back to our little cabin. Later she apologized again for treating me badly, cried and asked for my help not to keep hurting me and doing the same things she learned from her mother. I feel very insecure about the relationship. She is ready to leave at the smallest thing. It reminds me of an alcoholic who keeps abusing his wife, then apologizing, but then doing it again. I am not sure how badly Laura wants to be in the relationship or how important it is to her. At times it seems the only thing which is important to her is stopping her most immediate pain, and she thinks the way to do that is to go home to the place where she was abused. There she has some sense of sick security. It hurts me to think about her going back there, to a place where she was so damaged emotionally and psychologically; to a place where she learned nothing helpful about love; to a place where she learned that the way to stop her pain was to get away from people and be alone and solve problems on her own. I don't think she will be happy if she goes home. I think she will feel extremely sad and lonely. I don't want that for her, nor do I want to be alone again myself. But at times I feel pessimistic about our staying together much longer. I am trying to appreciate the days we have together and not do anything that would give her a reason not to come back to me if she does leave. And I am trying to help her understand why she acts the way she does, and trying to help her feel confident that she can change.

The other day she wrote that she doesn't believe she can change. This is one of the ways that dysfunctional families hurt kids and teens the most. They convince them that there is something inherently wrong with them or that they aren't capable of doing things better. Jen in England, for example, things she is "wrong in the head", but actually it is her parents who are emotionally and mentally damaged. They are hurting her more than they will ever be able to understand. They wouldn't listen to anyone who could explain what they are doing. They would feel too defensive and they would stop listening very quickly as soon as they started feeling threatened. If they were more open to looking at themselves, they wouldn't have damaged Jen so much already.

Anyhow, I have done a lot of journal writing about Laura but haven't posted it yet. Maybe I will sometime. I'm not sure, but that is another quick update.

We are in Cajamarca. The day before yesterday Laura called her mother and they talked for the first time in three months. Laura was afraid he rmother might not even speak to her, and afraid she would yell at her, guilt trip her, try to hurt her etc. She was really nervous as she dialed and as she first said hello. Then she started crying and asking for forgiveness. Her mother said everything was okay and told her to stop crying, as is so typical here, and in many places really. Laura asked how her mother was and her mother asked how Laura was and everyone was "bien", fine. lol It was kind of funny actually. But at the moment it was very emotional and I was holding Laura's hand and she was squeezing it tightly and very nervous. And crying a little the whole time, promising her mother she was okay. Then Laura asked if it was okay if she came home sometime and the mother said of course. Laura said "I was afraid you wouldn't want to see me again." But the mother said it was okay and she could come wherever she wanted. The mother asked where Laura was and Laura lied and said in Lima. Actually we were only about three hours from Cajamarca, not 15. Laura kept asking if the mother was sure that it was okay if Laura came home and the mother kept saying yes. The mother said "Everything is okay, daughter. You know what the only problem is? The problem is that you are very rebellious." Laura laughed and said "Si, mamá".

So the next day we came the rest of the way to Cajamarca. Laura saw her niece Nathalia and they went to the house together. Everything went smoothly. Laura and I were both afraid the mother would pressure her to stay the night, but when Laura said that she was ready to leave they said okay and there was no big problem.

Laura just left again. I didn't go after her this time. It has been about thirty minutes and she hasn't come back. Here are excerpts from my journal entry today

So anyhow Laura said we could go back and live in Cajamarca where I could get the Internet and she could stay with her mother while I was on the Internet. But I don’t want her doing nothing there. Yesterday she went over to clean the house. The other day she was buying bread, turtle food and milk. Her mother uses her. Sends her on errands. Her mother gives a fuck if Laura is helping any one else. Her mother would totally use Laura if Laura let her.

I started telling Laura I didn’t want her cleaning houses and buying bread. I told her I wanted to see her helping kids and using her talents. Then Laura stopped listening and started thinking about something I said evidently. I asked her what she thought about everything I had been saying. But she just said “I don’t know.” Then I stopped talking because I knew I needed to let her talk for a while and see why she had stopped listening. So I asked her again what she was thinking. She kind of shrugged and turned her back on me. So I left. Fuck it. I am so tired of her not telling me what she is thinking and turning away or walking away. She says she wants to help me and a lot of times she does. But that doesn’t fucking help me. But if I tell her that she will feel guilty. And I will need to spend more time giving her reassurance. Then she will feel bad that I am spending time on her and not helping the teens or writing. Its just totally fucked. lol But I do love her. She’s really so sweet most of the time. She is proving everything I’ve been writing about. She just needs love, understanding, all those nice things I write about. She needs to feel important. When she is feeling secure she says “its okay, go to the Internet, I will do something else”. Then when I go she says “The computer is more important to you than me.”

You might think I am making this all up, but I am not. Ask Jerren. He has seen it.

Ok so I just go inside. I was feeling better. I was ready to be all loving and reassuring and understanding to Laura. She is laying there and I go up and give her a kiss on the forehead. She pulls the blanket over her face and snaps at me “Por que quitas esto?” Which means “Why did you take this away?” It’s not even worth telling her I feel attacked, rejected, unappreciated, unhelped, lied to etc. She is a mess. She really does want to help me but then she gets stuck in her own needs. If she wants to go back to Cajamarca now like she used to do when we were in Lima I might just say “ok”. We are only a few hours from there now. At my friend’s house. I think Jerren is a better friend than Laura really. lol. He might give me more emotional support than her now actually. He sure the fuck doesn’t have such mood swings and tell me every other fucking day he wants to run home to mommy and his insecure friends.

Her friends are another story. They are like a little cult. She feels left out by them. I suppose she feels resentful towards me for losing her “friends.” But I’m not going to be blamed for that. If she really wants to go back to those dysfunctional, insecure people, I might just say “okay.” She can’t make a decision and live with it and make the best of it. She feels regret too often. The other day when we left the institute she said “I should have finished my studies.” Their minds are so small here.

So I came back outside. I am sitting on the ground with my back against the wall. I think I might go for a walk. Maybe Laura will get over things on her own. Maybe she will think something helpful for a change. Maybe she will write. Maybe she will realize that I left because she attacked me and rejected me. Maybe she will realize she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. But I’m tired of the fear, the attacks, the guilt trips, the rejection, the abandonment, the abuse, the mood swings. It’s sad but she can go back to her dysfunctional life is she wants. Or she can stay with me in my dysfunctional life. It’s her choice. She can go back to her fucked up abusive mommy. She knows she is welcome there now. She can go back to her friends who will judge her and pressure her. It’s her fucking choice. She knows the life I have. How I treat her. She knows the life she had. She can make an informed decision.

I feel more focused now. I spent a lot of time on the net in the past two days. I know love and hugs are important but I also know I need someone who will support me and not be a drain.

Maybe I need an English speaking person. There are people who can help me. Who have more of the same values. Well that’s not really fair. Laura has very similar values. She’s been great really in lots of ways. Lived in a little wood shack, slept outside near the river. Gave up her jewelry.

She’s in a tough position now. Torn between two worlds so to speak. She has seen a bit of my world but isn’t totally ready for it or sure if it is where she wants to live. She said the other day again, “I’m not sure if I can live this kind of life.” Ok well fine. Go back to your old life. With your ex boyfriend who drinks to solve his problems. Have a kid with him. She wants a fucking kid so badly. She doesn’t think much about all the kids who already don’t have parents in this fucked country. Have a fucking kid. Get married to a guy who knows shit about feelings. Stay in your little world.

So I have been out here about an hour now and Laura hasn’t come out to apologize or see how I am doing or talk. Maybe she is self-destructing again inside. Probably. Her mind is probably making her feel worse and worse. She can thank her mom and culture for that. And yet she wants to go back there whenever she feels insecure. Well not me. I’m not going back to my family who screwed me up so much. I truly would rather die. Like Frederick Douglas when he ran away and was laying there hurting so much. He preferred to die than be mistreated.

I did nothing wrong this morning. Laura’s mind just took a negative turn and kept going. Then when I went back in she attacked me. Maybe she felt abandoned. Well, sorry. But when you turn your back on me when I ask what you are thinking then do you really think I am going to lay there and waste my fucking time? And when you have pushed my arm away so many times when I have tried to give you a hug?

I’m tired of being pushed away, rejected, shut out. Punished.

Don’t ever say “Porque....” as a way of attacking someone. Say how you feel. Don’t attack them with “Why or “why not..” Like the time she said “Why not just keep talking to that girl and leave me here alone like an idiot” or whatever she said. It is sad she learned to attack when she feels hurt. She is going to lose the best thing she ever had, and she knows it. That also causes her pain. She really loved me and loves me in a lot of ways. But she is so emotionally needy. It’s sad. Sarah has lost me. She is going to be in a lot of pain for a long long time. Maybe all her life. Crystal will too. Loz I’m not sure about. Does Loz want to learn things? Ocean did. Ocean read my whole site I think!

So now it is 8:48. She just packed her things and left again. The last thing she said was “Quieres decirme ago mas?” That is kind of like saying “Do you have something else to say?” I rolled my eyes. That is when she got up and packed her things and walked out without saying anything else. It is kind of funny now really. I am tired of crying. Can’t cry much more. Time to laugh at it all and move on. If she wants to come back, that’s okay. If she doesn’t, that’s okay too I guess. I guess it will have to be. I want to move on. Move forward. Not be pulled back by my past. I have a plan already. We will go to Pacasmayo and look for a place to stay. I will be closer to Cajamarca if she wants to come back. Then we will go to Lima, stay for a while. Then decide what to do next depending on what she does. But today I decided not to chase after her. I just am tired of it all. Feel deserving and needing of something better. Someone who wants to help me and not her mother. She said she wants to go back and help her mother and study something so she can get a job to help her mother more. I said “Do you want to help her sell anticuchos?” Anticuchos are something like shiskabobs. I was kind of sarcastic. I didn’t take her feelings too seriously. Kind of like with Loz when Loz was bitching at me. But Loz stayed in the convo till we worked things out. She didn’t go run back to mommy.

I told Jerren this wasn’t a good time for me to talk to Laura. I said I was feeling judgmental and impatient. Oh well. If she comes back, she comes back. If she doesn’t she doesn’t. I have too much I want to do with my life to babysit her anymore. She needs nearly constant reassurance. It’s just too much. I have other things I want to do. Maybe this feeling is self destructive too now. But I don’t feel self-destructive. Laura helped me a lot. She was there for me a lot of times when I needed her. She was like the hospital of hugs for a while. She have me a couple thousand probably. I may miss them but I won’t miss the rejection, threats, etc. I feel kind of sad, mostly for her, but more motivated to get on with my life and not take any more abuse. This is really a sick culture and I can’t fix someone who has been so damaged. Not unless I want to make it my full time job. Which I don’t. I feel kind of bad for her cuz she is in pain. Like Sarah in the USA. But not bad enough to go chasing after her again. And not compassionate enough. It is hard to be compassionate when you feel threatened. And her “Do you have anything else to say?” was threatening.

Ok so now she knows she can leave and I won’t follow her or stop her. Now she knows she can’t use that anymore. If she does want to be with me then she will have to stay with me or work things out on her own everytime she walks out, walks away etc. I think she will come back but I’m not really going to worry about it. I want to help people who want to be helped. I want to be with the kids. Be free. I feel more free now. Jerren and I can leave this shithole now. There was too much of an imbalance of power. She had the power over me by the threat of her leaving. Now I have taken my power back so to speak or asserted myself sort of and saying, ok, that’s enough. Now things have changed. I don’t know what will happen next but I can handle it. The teens are there for me. I wasn’t there for them much lately, but they will still be there for me. At least some of them. Maybe I lost Sarah forever, but then if I did it wasn’t that good of a friendship. There are people who have stuck by me through all of my lack of correspondence. I couldn’t keep up with everyone. It wasn’t possible. I learned who I can count on and who will resent me, etc.

I love Laura. I can still keep loving her even though she just walked out on me. I felt a bit resentful and it gave me the strength to not chase after her. I was crying but not for very long. I almost walked out on her. I almost said “I’m going to Manual’s house.” I was getting dressed, putting my things in my pockets with almost violence, as in how Laura would pack her things. I was ready to walk out. But then I stopped. I went in the bathroom. Shut the door. Sat on the toilet and started to cry. She came in after a while. Hugged me for a bit. Then said in an impatient tone, “Do you want to talk. How are you feeling?” But her tone said she didn’t really want to listen. And she pulled away. She felt responsible for me crying. Guilty. She knows she is hurting me. And it hurts her to feel guilty. So she wants to get away from it. But I told her once that she will have to leave me because I won’t leave her. So I told her I felt hurt that she wants to go back home. Then I laid down on the bed and cried. I made room for her but she sat on the other bed. I’m gonna show this to Jerren as soon as I get done writing it. I will cry and he will hug me. I’m crying now. And hitting the back of my head against the wall a few times. But I will make it through this. I hit it again a few times, not too hard. Then a few more. And shake my head. Jerren has a big scar on his head. He didn’t tell us how he got it.

Anyhow, she sat on the other bed and then said “Do you have anything else to say?” or whatever it was.

I feel a little resentful towards Crystal. I am not sure why exactly but I think she somehow contributed to me losing Laura, if I did lose her. It is like Crystal didn’t understand how delicate things were with Laura and I. She didn’t realize I could lose Laura and any minute. She didn’t realize how dependent I was on Laura. She wasn’t helping me. She was just draining me. Maybe Chels can help her. I don’t know. But I feel resentful towards Crystal. It doesn’t make a lot of sense maybe, but I do. I can’t help someone I feel resentful towards. She’s not “disposable” as Loz said in her attacking way, but the reality is that I can’t help everyone. I can’t do everything I want to do. Life is about survival. My survival is not being helped by Crystal. She’s not paying me, she’s not supporting me emotionally. She’s not helping other teens. If she reads this she might feel so bad she might kill herself. But then would I be responsible? I’m not going to take it out. This is reality. I could take her name out to protect her a bit, but “should” I? This is my private journal, though it’s not private. Well it’s 9:18 now. Laura hasn’t come back. I kind of thought she might. I don’t know where she is or what she is feeling. I could go look for her. She would feel more important if I do. I think she liked the fact that Hildebrando supposedly went to Lima looking for her. Big fucking deal. That’s what I say. Go back to him then. Whatever.

She needs to feel important. Because her father didn’t fill that need and neither did her mother. Oh well. What can I say....It’s all been said I think.

Back on the 17th Laura did come back. But she said she came back mostly because she felt guilty. I told her it wouldn't work if she stayed with me just because she felt guilty. I said how can we make love if you are doing it only because you would feel guilty if you didn't? She just sat there for about 20 minutes. Jerren was sitting next to me. Then she got up and left again. Jerren said he couldn't understand and he couldn't believe she was really leaving. We walked down to the lake and talked for a while. Jerren was a really good listener. We talked about what we would do next. We decided we would stay in Peru a little while longer, then look for a different country. Later we were walking around town and saw Laura. She came up to me and we hugged. She said she couldn't leave me. She said she watched the busses go by but just couldn't get on one.

Ever since then things have been going better. Only once has she really wanted to be alone because she was missing her mother and thinking of going back to Cajamarca. I feel more secure now. It seems she feels a lot better knowing her mother hasn't rejected her forever and she can go home if she wants. She also feels better having seen her niece Nathalia and others in her family. Her cousing who thinks he was her father, Calin, saw her but barely spoke to her. But this didn't bother her much. The main thing was the relationship with her mother. Anyhow, for now things seem to be going better.

I've got some more writing on the other computer.. this is a reminder to me to find it and post it sometime... it has more details about the whole nov 17 day.

Laura has gone back to Peru. If you didn't know, she got pregnant when she was with for her ex boyfriend for a few weeks in December. She felt guilty and was worried about the baby not knowing its father, and we weren't getting along well. I was feeling a lot of stress. Feeling very responsible for her. Some days I still cry, some days I feel suicidal. Some days I want to go back to Peru to be with her. I am not sure what I will actually do. I feel confused, without direction, except for my writing which doesn't fully satisfy my needs.

She was emotionally supportive in many ways. She gave me lots and lots of hugs. But she wasn't supportive of my work. I was always worried about her leaving if I went to work. And if I stayed with her and wrote she often did nothing. She had almost no self-motivation and was almost always missing her mother, a very common problem in the dysfunctional families of South America. Her mother, if you didn't know, abused her all her life, physically and mentally. When Laura was 22 her mother called her a whore and hit her with a belt. This is also fairly common in South America, and sadly, all to common in many buildings thought to be homes around the world.

This morning we were talking about Laura going to see her mother. I am afraid of Laura going in the house alone if her mother is there. Remember that her mother hit her with a belt in July. That was a few days before Laura left. Laura hasn't talked to or seen her mother since. Laura wants to ask her mother to forgive her. She wants to feel accepted by her mother. She doesn't want to keep feeling guilty for leaving her. She also wants to know how her mother is going to react. Laura thinks her mother will probably say "You are not my daughter anymore. I don't want anything to do with you. You are a stranger." I am afraid her mother will physically hurt her or emotionally.

I was trying to help Laura figure out how she was going to approach her mother. I would like to meet the mother, partly just to see what kind of a person she is and what kind of person could hit a 22 year old who is in love. But Laura doesn't want me to go with her. I also want to be with her to protect her. If her mother tried to hit her I would stop her.

But Laura got impatient with my suggestions. At one point I suggested she go with a friend. Laura snapped at me "I am going alone!" I felt attacked, threatened. Rejected. Unappreciated. I thought of leaving. I thought something like "Fine, if you don't want my help you can figure it ouit by yourself." But I knew she would feel rejected, abandoned, threatened. I wasn't sure what to say, or what to do. We sat there in silence.

Now I just asked Laura how she feels when I tell her how I felt. She said "Like I haven't learned much." Then I asked what feeling is that and she said "I don't know."

When someone asks us to explain and we can't we feel incompetent, stupid, defensive.

I asked her how she feels when she says "Because I just don't want to!" She said a little egotistical because it is like she doesn't want to share her feelings with anyone else.