| EQI.org Home
Feeling a need for self-expression so I will try writing. It is a way of clearing my mind. They never taught me that in school. So many things they never taught me in school. If you search my site, you will find a list of more things they never taught me in school. I don't want to stop my flow of thoughts now to find it though. But if someone would find the link and send it to me, I'd appreciate it. I'm feeling better in general. Mainly because I have gotten more support - e support. Haha never thought of that before. Emotional support is e-support but online support is alos e support. I made a good friend a couple of weeks ago. A good online friend. For a while I thought I had lost her but it turns out it was mostly a) my wrong assumptions and interpretations and b) my needieness - which is of course related to or caused by my insecurity. but does needi... cause insec... or vice versa? hmm Emotional supports is something like air for me. I need it all around me every day, 24 hours pretty much - except when i am sleeping. my partner has a lot of nightmares. i cant even remember how many times she still dream of being back in her parents house, fighting, or back in highschool and something bad happening. at night she lays there and cant sleep and thinks about death and dying. she found other people online who do that too the other day. so she feels less alone. one form of es. es emotional support or espana or is in spanish es malo means its bad. ha ha es bueno means... well nvm i love talking to teenagers. it is my biggest form of es. it is one thing i know am good at. im afraid of being accused of bragging now... so i feel defensive a little and i think of the guy who said it aint bragging if u done it i just named this file j2011. i used to have a name like june20_2011 - i used to write nearly every day. for different reasons i stopped. ive written some things that were journal writing but never posted them since we left montenegro. my sister doesnt know that we left montenegro. or that i have a partner now. for now at least. im always afraid on some level she will leave, die, kill herself etc. and i will be alone again. alone. i think SR has been feeling alone. i am not sure how ok it is with her if i write about her here. id like to teach her the how ok thing from zero to ten. i was talking to __ yesterday - trying to get her to answer my zt questions. zt is 0to ten. i wish i could write faster and better. buti feel satisfied like 90 percent. just dont feel totally satisfied with the little mistakes. self acceptance. how much do i accept myself? thats for me to know and u to find out -- is that a defensive response - probably. id like to make a list of defensive comments. like i have a list of invalidating comments. if u seach feeling defensive i think u will find my site is on top. interesting. interesting to me to see how many things it is first on google for. someone plz try that search and tell me if u find the same thing.i added something to it yesterday. but i dont think i put a new link in under the new items. feeling encouraged. - that is a big thing for me. it is like eating or drinking. i feel encouraged to day laregely because SR wrote me back. i dont know how she feels about me. I feel afraid... like i always do... afraid she thinks this or that... she will write me and then i wont write back for a year ha ha. then i will ask her the same question like are u still living in ___? and she will say no . i left there three years ago. and uve asked me that 10 times lol ooops she is probably more forgiving than i am. we work with pretty much the same group of pple. our "target market" - who else works with them? im not really sure. there are depression and suicide forums and stuff but few that a) are specifically for teens and b) dont have too many rules. or c) are run by non conformists. today it is sunny. it has been raining for several days. i have beeninside to much. waaaaaaay too much. my p and i (my partner) have been staying in one room of a big house full of people. its a bit like being trapped or in prison. we dont have our own door tothe outside world. we have to walk by people which neither of us like. the people are ok as people go. no one here seems to want to intentionall hurt us. but then again they dont understand us. they accept us pretty well though compared to most places. we found it by chance. through a person i met on couchsurfing, or actually who met me. if u dont know about couchsurfing, plz google it now. if u know me personally i will give u my cs profile. i am quite proud of it. one of my favorite reviews of me is a guy named taylor from canada who said steve is the most unamerican american i have ever met - ha ha another ofmy favorite compliments is - u dont seem like an adult. i think u are a teenager pretending to be an adult - lol i got in a lot of trouble before for writing too many personal things in my journal a few years ago.i still feel resentful about it. more specifically i feel not understood but worse deliberately misrepresented. if u are interested in the story write me or send me a pm if u know where i hang out online and i will tell u. or show u the link lets say. since it is pretty well documented on here but not something i really want the gp to read about gp is gen pub. i like smart pple pple who can figure things out wtihout punctuation for example, yeah that my def of smart ha ha i found a chatting partner who i can laugh with and work with. its been nice whenshe has been online. she became really important to me very quickly. like finding water in the dessert as they say or desert? hmm which one is it!? dezert deezert mighthelp pple see the difference english is really messed up. but the world is stuck with it pretty much. i heard a little about esperanto but it doesnt seem to be catching on quickly. nature. i miss nature. we are surrounded by houses here. we are living in the suburbs. the most expensive place i have ever lived in in my life i think with the possible exceptinof my condo in texas. but that was an investment - i was buying it and it was mine toselllater which i did. just had a thought. i will put the link to this in the suggestions if u are feeling suicidal. thenthe gp wont see it as easily - they wont be bothered or motivated lets say to read that much of teen stuff probably. exhale. does anyone else store up air and exhale it from time to time in a big release? i think i will work on my teen page again the password protected one or maybe i will make two levels... yeah i guess i will do that.... i like to have teens read more than the gp. i can trust them way more. in case i forget and u and i are chatting sometime, plz remind me about my two levels of teen pages. and we will work on it together. i need more pple who know how to make web pages btw. i use front page express. i dont really want to install or learn another program. i want it to be compatible with fpe so i dont have to have probs with that. i feel defensive - afraid pple will say there are way better packages now - so i will say i am sure there are but i am not sufficiently motivated to learn them.... im satisfied like 9.5 with fpe -though i would like to have an insite forum and a way for pple to leave comments. but those arent that high on my pri.. list. im on the balcony now. i cant get to a sunny spot without going inside, downstairs, past someone, or maybe past two or more pple out the door, past houses.. its too much effort. so i look at the sunny spots and wish i lived on my own land - so i could just move to a sunny spot so much more easily. i have land here in oz but i need a car or van to get there or i have to depend on someone giving me a ride. now i feel defensive again because i can imagine someone saying 'Just... " ie someoen who doesnt understand. there was one guy who kept saying Just just just just just just do this just do that the other day someone told a teen just so and so. i sent the comment to someone else and said how would u feel if someoen said that to u. she said 'id feel underestimated and not understood and id think if it were that easy i'd have already done it." now i would like to start a htm file called just and put that on there and ask people to write me with more examples of pple saying just. but i will instead keep wrting and "just" ha ha ask someone whois reading this to start the page for me. ie thats u xxxx. cuz u are the only one now with the possible exceptionof yyyy who knows how to use frong page. oh wait tim knows but his mom stole his laptop the other day so he has less net time now. a good example of caring vs control that is something else i would like to write up. here is the deal he wants to go on a 10 day fast or soemthing - she doesnt want him to. she is afraid he will become anorexic. so what does she do to show she cares about him> she takes his laptop and locks it up. he then takes her charger for her laptop lol. pretty sad. i wish i could have had a bigger influence on his life. helped him more. helped him get away from her. he is 19 now. started writing us whenhe was 16 and a half or so. and he cant "just" leave - his dad is still in the same city. and lots of other factors.... it is a big decision to leave. a lot of effort. his motivation has been killed - like my partners. which reminds me of alfie kohn's video on alternative education. it was encouraging. getting chilly out here now. p is asleep. cant write in our room cuz it will wake her up. i am literally surrounded by houses. i see more houses than trees. in a prison u risk being hurt when u try to leave. for p and i it is a risk for us to leave here. we wont be shot but we will feel afraid each time we pass by someone. afraid they will judge us. even if they dont say anything. afraid they will trick us again. or try to. or want something or need something from us. we are afraid of a lot of things. with reason, as my friend from germany says. con razon in spanish. now i hear kids going to school - in their uniforms. sad. i see my neighbor or "a" neighbor since i feel no connection to her... i feel saddened discouraged. on my land i dont look around and see things which discourage me now i hear the extrememly annoying sound of the catholic school across the street. the "bell" but it is some electronic thing which sounds more like an ice cream truck. and i feel pain and the memory of the directory blasting commands and propoganda to the under 10 year olds. all in the uniforms of course. she has a microphone, amplifier, loud speakers. i cant even describe how painful it is to listen to her voice. and u cant escape it. it is that friggin loud. i want to run run run. get away. but i am trapped on the balcony in this prison like house. i leave here suddenly so many times. i just bolt as they say. i leave with no shoes no cell phone. whatever.. like runnin gout of a house on fire. what can i do now? stuck here in this concrete jungle as they say. full of people who dont understand me. dont want to. dont care if i live or die. literally. oh they would want to keep me alive if i called and said i feel suicidal. they would send an ambulance out or cops. they would take control of me. CONTROL - thats not the way i want to be cared about. fun minus the n that is what i think of saying i wonder if that would be an illegal t shirt.
hows that for a t shirt design? ha ha yeah i feel resentful - towards so many pple who tried to and did control me. fun without the n.... we have thought of making t shirts.. we could do so much if we had help and werent depressed. p has almost no motivation - they killed it. she liked fuck - there is the school director. i have to go inside or somewhere to escape it or maybe i will go tape it. ha ha so u can hear how f*ing annoying she sounds. well for some reason she stopped.... anyhow i came outside. past one person. it was uncomfortable but necessary lets say. she would feel bad if she knew how painful it is for p and i to just walk past her. lol it sounds ridiculous in a way. but its true. i like to talk to some pple here - about some things. but with other pple its just ... strained lets say. so many unspoken feelings. i am so glad i dont have to live as u teenagers do. forced to live in places around pple that are not healthy for u emotionally mentally. i would free u all imediately if i could. id fund u to go traveling. to stay in hostels - to go couchsurfing. tim if u read this. please try some couchsurfing. please get away from ur mother. ok i will post this much and see who is online 8:49 AM 6/2/2011 - i might have found a good spot. ha ha or pretty good. along the side of the house. this way pple have to walk by me, not my by them. ha ha. and they can see i am busy working. if they want to stop and talk to me they can. so the ice cream truck thing goes again. it is 8 50 now. so it went at 8 30 and again now. was that their recess? hmm. i guess i could have some fun with them. recording things and laughing at them is always fun. which reminds me of school pranks on the school survival website. lol. there are some funny things there. i want to add it to my humor section of the sugg when ur feeling suicidal. - so maybe someone else can do that for me.. or make a list of links from that site that are funny. humor is a good pain relief. temporary but "effective" as the americans like to say. like torture is "effective" u can look that up on my site and probably u will find the file. i thinkit is actually called effective.htm so if u read this much - please send me a pm - from somewhere. oh there she is... 9:00 AM 6/2/2011 ok i just walked over to the catholic school and recorded a bit... i felt pretty afraid someone was going to see me and question me, interogate me, order me around, to leave or something... but it was kind of exciting. id really LOVE to have that microphone for a while and say what i REALLY think of them and how i really feel.... i feelbad for xxx cuz she likes her catholic school... three more years there.. discouraging... but maybe she will leave... maybe her values will change, as mine did. maybe she will become more aware, more quickly. she is definitely starting sooner at thinking about things that matter and about her feelings. ok so it is kind of calm now. over there and here. i am back to the place outside the house. i have the wifi connection. im scared to go inside. someone was in the kitchen. adults in schools love to give orders to kids. i just heard Line up then pay attention. lol fun without the n ok upstairs now. no one was in the kitchen as i walked past. still feel scared. stressed afraid constantly basically/ just now i was afraid id wake up p when i went into to the the batter charger. afraid she would feel worried if i went in and didnt hug her or kiss her on the cheek or something to let her know im not feeling stressed suicidal etc. she worries about me nearly all the time. she never knows when i will get so stressed i need to throw something or escape. i have pretty much all the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. and i will admit it is some kind of a "disorder" now. my brain is definitely fucked up now. a ballon pops and i jump. like being shell shocked in the army. there was this guy. mr maumer i think his name was. he lived alone. he was in the war and he had been shell shocked. they didnt call it ptsd back then, so slowly society - especially the warring empire building society fucks u up then realized how they fucked u up then they label it and try to give u drugs for it. lol but - and here is the key - they dont really change what fucked u up in the first place leaving the key seems to be leaving like for tim he isnt gonna change his mom will taking a charger actually make her feel more understanding of tim? he thought something like maybe she will understand if i take her laptop charger. but i am afraid she will feel more threatned not more understanding. more hurtful, not more understanding or empathetic. it is what sikes (psychologists) would call threatening behavior. so i feel pretty pessimistic about the chances of her behavior or feelings changing ina way which will be healthy for tim. so leave. "just" leave oh right if it were that easy ud have done it already. true. sorry distractionthen? distraction is something like leaving but u are still in the same place. lol create a parallel universe as x did? create a fantasy world in ur mind? yeah probably a good strategy if u can physically leave. but if u can physically leave, please please do it they make it hard for u to leave u need money, u need a passport to get out of the big prison ground called "your country" and u need a passport to enter another big prison ground called "a foreign country" the world, u might say, is divided now into prisons, concentration camps. u have certain freedoms, certain rights, but they arent in necessary accordance to ur individual needs see the whole thing was, first of all, designed and created before u were born. before ur parents were born. it wasnt designed to meet your needs. or ur parents. the pple who designed it and created it and who control it on a very big level have different needs than u. they have or had a need to control. they felt insecure. they felt more secure with more control. more walls. like an insecure king. he lived inside the castle walls. how did the king get pple to obey him? if u can answer that question u have come a long way to understand current society. please, seriously, think about it. and tell me how u believe the king got people to obey him and why the people didint rebel and kill him or overthrow him? of course sometimes it happpened. but if u are a king how do u try to prevent a revolution? im very curious what google will say if i search "how did kings prevent revolutions" not surprisingly no one has asked that specific question No results found for "how did kings prevent revolutions". "how do you prevent revolution" has 3 results - Ensure the resistance is too dumb to rebel. In other words... crush the resistance before it is born. now i try "how do you prevent a revolution" 39 results this one looks interesting
The Six Emotions Of Revolution: What Egyptians Are Feeling Now
If you really want to know what's been happening in Egypt, you have to know what folks there have been feeling for decades, and all the new feelings rippling through them now. Take a basic emotion: fear. Before a revolution can even get started, it has to face down fear. After all, how do you prevent a revolution from happening? You put fear, massive fear, in the minds of your population. At one point, the Shah of Iran's secret police, SAVAK, had a surgeon cut off the arms and legs of a dissident in prison; then they sent his live torso back to his family and friends as a living warning of what could happen to anyone who resisted. A pretty effective fear tactic. if someone could make a text only version of that and put it into a new htm file called "prevent_revolution.htm" ... again id appreciate it. ok it is 9 33 now. i feel all written out. here is another article id like a htm file on... http://www.dailykos.com/story...
|
Other EQI.org Topics: Emotional
Intelligence | Empathy Search EQI.org | Support EQI.org
|