Emotional Intelligence | Stevehein.com
Avoiding Preemptive Invalidation
| Introduction | Most Recent Items Oct 31- Please don't hate me Page Creation Oct 2 2006 |
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I define preemptive invalidation as trying to stop someone from feeling the way they feel or might feel before they even have the chance to feel it or express themselves.
Here are some examples
Don't be Jealous
Please Don't Hate Me
I was talking to someone who was telling me a story about another guy. I was just listening. Then she wrote: Don't be jealous.
As you can see, she wanted me to not feel jealous even before I had the chance to tell her I felt jealous! So this is why I call it "preemptive invalidation." People often say things like "Don't be scared" or "Now don't get upset when I tell you this, but..." before a person has even shown that they are scared or upset.
So here is a way to avoid "preemptive invalidation." Here is the actual chat. I will call her "GN"
GN : dont be jealous
GN : OOPS
GN : hm.
GN : idk how to word that (idk = i dont know)
GN : i hope you arent jealous
steve : like this...
steve : im afraid u might feel jealous.. how do u feel?
GN : ah
GN : ok
GN : well. how do u feel?
Saying "I hope you don't feel.. " is better than saying "Don't feel..." but it still doesn't allow the person a chance to say how they actually do feel. The main reason people preemptively invalidate someone else is because they are afraid of that person's reaction. So the most direct way to communicate their feelings and allow the other person to reply is to say something like what I suggested in the chat.
S. Hein
October 2, 2006
This example is taken from Cara's page. She had emailed me this:
I hope you and x have a great relationship but to tell you the God honest truth and in my humble (okay lets be honest I'm an arrogant biatch so humble's a joke) opinion (which is not just my thoughts but my feelings) you need to...
The she added:
(please don't hate me. I'm not trying to judge you I'm telling you how I feel)
On her page I talk about how she confuses thoughts and feelings so I won't repeat all that here. What I want to talk about here is the part where she says "Please don't hate me. I'm not trying to judge you..."
It is fairly obvious that she is afraid I will feel upset with her, or more specifically judged by her. So she tries to preemptively talk me out of those feelings, without asking me how I did actually feel when I got her email and without actually stating any of her feelings, such as her fears that I would hate her or feel judged.
To avoid this kind of preemptive invalidation try to catch yourself when you are about to say something like this, or once having said it, try to re-phrase things and a) express your feelings and b) ask the other person how they feel and c) ask if they feel the way you are afraid or suspect they might.