Humor

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - “to relax,” I told myself - but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, “Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.” This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking...”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”

“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.”

“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a T.A. meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

from rembrandt.gen.nz/fnz/aua/articles.html Year 97

A Revealing Moment At School

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at an expensive private school, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Lawyers and Rats

There are three reasons lawyers are replacing rats in research experiments. First, there is a more serious population explosion of lawyers. Second, the lab assistants don't get attached to them. And third, there are some things rats just won't do.

Don't Jump! Think About Your Mother

There was a teenage girl standing on the ledge of a tall building. Someone below yelled, "Don't jump! Think about your father who loves you!"

The girl yelled back: "That's one reason I want to kill myself"

So the man on the ground said, "Ok, sorry, about that...then think about your mother!"

Then she jumped.

S. Hein
March 25, 2011

Free Will and Choices - According to "God"

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This is a copy from nontampcollector's channel. He has many other well done videos.

Here is another nonstampcollector video - found on the Richard Dawkins website

MIAMI (AP) -- Atlanta Falcons safety Eugene Robinson, arrested for soliciting an undercover policewoman for oral sex the night before the Super Bowl, could have charges dropped through a diversion program.

"We will proceed against him like almost all people in his situation who get arrested for solicitation,'' Don Ungurait, a spokesman for the State Attorney's office in Miami-Dade County, said Monday.

"If there are no priors, it is certainly in the realm of probability that he will get an opportunity to go to a diversion program. ... If he was offered that type of program and he completed it, then the charges would be dropped against him.''

Robinson, 35, got nabbed with about 25 others in a police sting targeting solicitation on Biscayne Boulevard, a major street in Miami frequented by prostitutes. He was driving alone in a rented car when he allegedly offered an undercover officer $40 for oral sex.

"I really believe and strongly believe I will be found innocent in this deal,'' Robinson said after the Falcons' 34-19 loss to the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl on Sunday night.

Robinson will probably be arraigned within the next 30 days. If he is not offered pre-trial intervention, the player could face a maximum penalty of about 60 days if convicted, Ungurait said.

The arrest occurred about 12 hours after a Christian athletes group selected him the winner of an award for high moral character. His wife and children were in Miami at a nearby hotel for the Super Bowl.

Robinson, who also played in two Super Bowls with Green Bay, leads the NFL for interceptions among active players with 53.

"I talked to one of the arresting officers and he said that Eugene was an extremely nice guy. ... He didn't try to use who he was or anything like that,'' said Miami police spokesman Delrish Moss.

Robinson, nicknamed "The Prophet'' because of his deep religious beliefs, said he apologized to his family, his teammates and the entire organization for causing such a shocking distraction the night before the Falcons appeared in the NFL title game for the first time in their 33-year history.

Robinson broke up the first pass of the game but was later burned on the game's biggest play -- an 80-yard TD pass to Rod Smith. In the third quarter, Robinson broke his left pinkie trying to tackle Terrell Davis, limiting his effectiveness the rest of the game.

"I know a lot of people are saying that I'm just another hypocritical Christian,'' Robinson said. "I deserve that.''

His father, Samuel Robinson said he was in the hotel room when his son was consoled by teammates, one of whom recently served time in jail for "sexual misconduct." "He didn't say anything about what happened, and I didn't ask him,'' the father said.

Falcons coach Dan Reeves allowed Robinson to start the game, even though the player didn't sleep at all the night before the game.

The incident invokes memories of the eve of Super Bowl XXIII, also played in Miami. Prior to that game Cincinnati Bengals running back Stanley Wilson was found in a drug-induced haze in his hotel room and was suspended for the game against the San Francisco 49ers.

His strong religious beliefs, usually espoused in sermonlike fashion, seemed to make him a role model in this era of misbehaving athletes.

Robinson was not in violation of team curfew, which was 11 p.m. He delcared his innocence by telling ESPN that he did not solicit any woman, but he still apologized publicly on Sunday.

He later quoted a friend who said "Confession is good for the soul but bad for the reputation."

His football coach said "The only thing I was concerned with was whether he would be ready to play in the game."

CHICAGO (AP) Dr. George Lundberg was fired from his position as editor of the American Medical Association journal Jan. 15 after he published a study on how American views differ on the question of what constitutes sex. AMA executive Vice President E. Ratcliffe Anderson Jr. said the timing, coinciding with President Clinton's impeachment trial, raised questions about Lundberg's judgment.

The article that led to Lundberg's firing was based on 1991 survey data by the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction that found that most of the 599 college students surveyed did not consider oral-genital contact as having "had sex.''

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.

When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.

A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!"

For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.

In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f**k-up!"

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID, to which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home--With the chain still attached to the machine--with their bumper still attached to the chain--with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, bakers bake, and runners run but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, carpenters don't carpent and hammers don't ham?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off when it goes on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mother use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?