Emotional Intelligence | Stevehein.com

Personal Growth, Friendship & Romantic Relationships

Friendships

A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts who you have become, invites you to grow and supports you in your journey. (1)

Table of Contents

True Friends

Friends: Simple or Real

True Friends

All of us need true friends. But what is a true friend, and how do you know when you have found one? We can best answer that question in terms of our feelings. With a true friend you feel:

(These are very much the same feelings children need from their parents.)

When you are what I call emotionally enlightened, you attract and keep such people because:

• You accept them rather than judge them.
• You express your feelings and encourage them to do likewise.
• You take responsibility for your feelings and never lay guilt trips on them for how you feel.
• You show empathy, compassion, and understanding for their feelings.
• You are sensitive to their feelings and needs, but you do drain yourself by feeling responsible for meeting them. You recognize that each person is responsible for their own feelings, so your friends do not become burdensome to you.
• You do not blame them or attack them, so they do not need to feel defensive or to counterattack.
• You do not advise them or tell them what to do, since you know that this will foster dependency, rob them of the chance to grow, and possibly create resentment later on.
• You are honest with them, even when what you have to say is unpleasant for them, because (a) You respect them enough to honor them with the truth, (b) You want them to grow through awareness, and (c) You trust them enough to manage their own responses.
• When you express concerns you express them as statements of your feelings, not of their character.

A true friend is someone who helps you reach your highest potential, someone who helps you be the best you can be. At the early stages of your friendship a true friend gets to know the real you by frequently asking how you feel about different things. They ask questions like:

• What are your fears?
• What are your dreams and desires?
• What do you feel strongly about?
• What’s important to you?
• What infuriates you?
• What excites you?
• What are your values?

• What are your beliefs?
  

To become a better friend, ask others how they feel on a scale of 0-10.

For example, ask how much they feel respected, understood, supported by you.

Then ask what you can do to raise your numbers if they are less than 10.

Also ask how much they feel judged by you, criticized by you, or lectured to by you. Then if it is anything over 0, ask what you can do to reduce it.

Friends: Simple Or Real?

A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he as gone to bed. A real friend is ready to talk to you whenever you need it.

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a major disagreement.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you!

1. I think this quote is from Gary Myrick. If you know otherwise, please let me know.