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I'm 19. I live with my mum.
>Tell me what your parents say that help you
attacked, defensive, afraid, threatened,
My mom says to me:
"There is something wrong with you/seriously
"I don't care what happens to you or what
you do; just
get away from me/leave me alone/don't ever speak
"Because you ARE an ogre" (I said I
felt like I was an
ogre, like I was being treated like an ogre when
mum first started ignoring my existence, and I
why she treated me like that)
"You shouldn't feel that way"
"you are never allowed to be angry"
"there is never a good reason to be
"you can always make up a reason to be upset
can't you", then moments later, "sorry,
you can always
FIND a reason"
"what's wrong with you doing all the
"why are you always causing problems?"
"you're too upset"
"your feelings are too much"
"you can't possibly be that hurt by
"if you feel hurt, it's your fault; it's
"you make me suicidal"
But her favorite thing to say is nothing. She
speak by walking away. By looking at anything but
By rolling her eyes and turning away. There are
quotes, but they require too much context.
In February I lost 25 pounds and spent a month
from her in our bathroom, using drugs that she
for me because it keeps me sedate enough to
the terror and pain I feel when I live at home
of in the park. She didn't say anything until she
knocked on the door to tell me she was mad at me
not hanging out with her more and to tell me that
was making her suicidal. I slashed up my arms and
to spend a week at a youth shelter.
I wish my mom was nice to me. I wish she loved me
because she loved me, and not just when I make
happy or stay out of her way.
I once wrote "why don't you care?!" all
over the walls
because I was so, so, so desperate to be heard.
didn't work. My mom didn't say anything.
thanks for getting back to me--no worries about
a while, i didn't notice cuz we don't have the
internet at home anymore (i go to the library or
corner store by my house) and i get into this
headspace where i just stay in my room all day
don't talk to anybody because I'm scared and i
want to hurt any worse than i already do. plus
communication i seem to be capable of in that
headspace is screaming. no words, just screaming
way little kids shriek when they are really,
upset, and that doesn't tell anybody anything. i
thanks for your support. it's weird to have
say my mom is really psychologically abusive. i
tell very many people. to be honest, it's hard
to accept because my instant response is
it's complicated; i am a jerk so maybe it's not
abuse?" it's weird, i go back and forth
thinking i'm terrible and being outraged that i'm
treated so badly.
from sixteen and half to eighteen and a half, i
live at home. i lived with friends, a neighbour,
in youth shelters and, for a few nights, in the
on the street, and on my friend's back porch. now
have resigned myself to staying at home for
Maybe I will get traumatized and won't get any of
nurturing I want, but when I went looking for it
elsewhere, I didn't find it and got traumatized
ways, so I don't want to try anymore--at least
there have been three good periods with my
when i have felt respected and listened to, and
"Justin is monstrous and defective"
after my nineteenth birthday, it went on for
whole weeks and in fact, we actually had a
conversation about her abusing me my whole life
she apologized (i thanked her over and over and
and shared with her the fact that this was pretty
the best day of my life with her because finally
felt heard). i don't know what made these periods
good times end.
things have been really bad. my mom basically
talking to me for the week, and then yesterday we
into a fight...although it wasn't really a fight
because she didn't really want to talk to me and
just say something about me and then stop
acknowledging my presence....and i lost it and
having this meltdown and wound up beating myself
and screaming, "please just listen, just
talk to me,
why won't you talk to me? why don't you love me?
please stop ignoring me why don't you love
me?" and so
on. my mum put on her coat and went out.
my mum going out and coming back, our neighbours
called the police. i had gone to my room to cut
listen to music and find somebody to call.
unfortunately, i didn't put my shirt back on
immediately after I scratched th word
"bad" into my
chest...because it makes me feel better, it's
secret record of pain...and i was shirtless,
and talking to somebody at the youth crisi line
the cops came upstairs, saw me bleeding and told
was going to the hospital. they said i could
voluntarily in an ambulance or they could arrest
and drag me there if necessary. i chose the
nobody at the hospital even cared (which i was
about because whenever people take notice of me
take notice without asking me what I think or
going on for me and something traumatizing
my best interests" and against my will) and
going on about nagging parents in the "oh,
everybody hates their parents, you're no worse
vein. it was the worst day of my life. i feel all
but kind of like i feel nothing.
i think it is mostly my fault, because instead of
letting things be, I freak out. my mum's not nice
me, but i'm not very nice to her anymore either.
not like my mum says, "get out of my house
come back" and I then leave, or queitly say
hurt. well, i did for a while, but things just
to get worse. instead, what happens is I'll get
blind panic and the best thing I can come up with
to yell "I hate you!!" and slam doors.
later in my
room i'll think about what i was trying to say
don't say it, because my mum doesn't want to hear
she tells me so.
i can kind of understand but I also at the
i kind of can't, because if my mum wanted tell me
she says that she doesn't want me and that i'm
ogre I would be all ears, i would be so damn
to listen to how she felt. i figure it's hard to
a kid who says he hates you, and as long as I
saying hurtful things back, I figure it's gotta
least partially my fault.
i would like to be there for other teens, to
and let them know they're not alone.
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