Maybe it would have been good for me to read my own writing from this outline. I haven't read it in years myself, to be honest. Sometimes when I look back at my writing from around 1995 I think I was not very in touch with my feelings. Actually, I know I wasn't. I wasn't very empathetic to young people who are depressed. I didn't know any really back then. And I didn't know anything about cutting or teen suicide.

I don't want people to feel discouraged or cynical if when they read this outline they think I am making this all sound too easy. It's not easy. It is hard. It is painful. If you are a sensitive person and have been emotionally damaged to anywhere near the extent I was, or worse, it is going to take you years of recovery. It took you years to be damaged so it only makes sense I guess that it will take you years of recovery. And it may well be easier to damage a young person's self-concept and teach that person toxic beliefs and lessons about life than to recover and learn more healthy beliefs and skills.

And for my teen friends who might read this, who have been in so much emotional pain for so long that they are now cutting themselves to try to numb their emotional pain, I want to say that what I went through is probably not nearly as bad as what you are going through. So if you can't do the things I talk about here, then please don't feel discouraged or bad about yourselves. And try to remember that when I wrote this I had nearly total freedom. I was free to travel where I wanted, do what I wanted, read what I wanted. I had all the time in the world to read, to think, to go to the mountains and beaches or to go camping in the national parks in the USA and Canada, or to sleep in the back of my car pretty much wherever I wanted. I could get away from the people who were damaging me, hurting me, poisoning me.

Freedom may be one of the most important medicines in the recovery process. Time and freedom. But though you are not free, maybe you can give yourselves some small amount of psychological freedom by changing your beliefs about what is important at this point in your life and what your needs are. For example, do you really need to be making good grades and trying to get the approval of people who will mean nothing to you in a few years? Is it really important that you are good in sports or some subject at school which doesn't interest you? Will these things help you with your own codependent relationship problems a few years from now? Or are you headed in the same direction I was: Academically smart, but emotionally illiterate and relationship destructive?

But again, when I said "This works for me", though that sound simplistic now and even a little fake, I suppose it was working in a way. My beliefs at that time got me through the rough period of my divorce with Galina, or Gale as she now calls herself.

But then I started talking to suicidal teens and started feeling their pain and my frustrations and resentments from years of feeling judged, controlled, mocked, teased, laughed at, invalidated, lectured to, threatened, punished etc. And on top of all of that I started feeling something new - discriminated against, in the sense that only because of my age I was being told I couldn't do things, not even talk to people or chat with them online, simply because of my age and their age. See the Ocean story for example. (link below) I was called a misrepresented widely by people like Rob Emmerling. I was ostracized by people like David Caruso and Jack Mayer.

All of this hurt.

Then I met Laura in Peru and she gave me so much unconditional love. Or at least the closest thing I have ever had in my life to that, with very few exceptions. She loved me more more than my own mother. She saw me more clearly. Appreciated the things about me that I wanted and needed someone to appreciate. Not just the things that served her, such as the things my mother would reward me for with her exaggerated praise when I did something as trivial as take out the garbage or clean the basement stairs. A few years ago my mother told me she was proud of me, and I think she really meant it and was talking about the more important things I do and the more valuable things I have to share with the world, but she never gave me this message when I was younger. But anyhow, all the positive psychology and self-help books are great, but they can't take the place of hugs and love from another intelligent sensitive human being who values the best qualities in you. This reminds me of what Nathaniel Branden said about being "psychologically visible" to someone. Laura saw me for who I am inside. Or at least she saw a lot of me. She has her own very deep unmet needs, pain and insecurities which cause us serious problems and conflicts at times but overall I think its fair to say this is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in.

S. Hein
Feb 7, 2006
Jujuy, Argentina

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Links

Cutting
Teen Suicide
Invalidation
Ocean
Rob Emmerling
David Caruso
Jack Mayer
Laura - Peru
Nathaniel Branden

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INTRODUCTION

This is probably the world's shortest course on Codependency Recovery. It summarizes years of research, study, therapy and personal experience. As far as I know, no one else has summarized this much information in so few pages. Although there is much information condensed on these pages, you surely know (intellectually, at least) that to get any good out of this outline, you must take action. You must apply the steps listed below.

I am not a psychologist. I am simply another human who has struggled with life and who has had to figure things out for himself. Although it was I who did the hardest work, I sought, received, and applied help and information from many, many sources. This outline is a summary of what I have discovered and what worked for me. (Edit 1)

I. Detach

A. Stop taking responsibility for other's feelings & welfare

1. Stop feeling guilty
2. Stop accepting guilt
3. Stop cultivating it (feeding it, watering it, etc.)
4. Stop harvesting it (acting out of guilt)

This is a little simplistic. It's a good idea, but you can't just stop feeling guilty. You have to work on this for a long time. Here are some pages on guilt which I wrote later that might help.

B. Stop trying to control

1. Manipulation

a. Sulking
b. Quiet treatment
c. Anger
d. Threats
e. Coercion

2. Power struggles / Superiority Battle

a. Emotional power

- Stubbornness
- Trying to prove a point
- Trying to teach a lesson

b. Financial power

c. Intellectual power

- Trying to prove you are "smarter"
- More educated
- Playing psychologist

3. Trying to fix other people (It's good to help them but not to try to "fix" them)

There is a fine line between trying to help and trying to fix. Check with the person to see if they feel helped. Or if they feel pressured. Or check yourself to see if you feel frustrated. If you do, you are trying to hard to fix or change them. And check to see if you feel responsible for them, their happiness, future, feelings etc.

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C. Cut the ties that bind your happiness.

1. The tie to what someone else does
2. The tie to what someone else says
3. The tie to how someone else feels
4. The tie to a particular result or outcome

II. Love Yourself

A. Accept yourself

1. Accept all your imperfections

a. Your physical limitations
b. Your age, sex, race limitations
c. Your past "mistakes"
d. Your failures
e. Your areas for improvement

2. Stop comparing yourself to others
3. Stop trying to be perfect
4. Stop criticizing yourself when you are not
5. Stop punishing yourself

B. Start taking care of yourself

1. Treat yourself like your best friend

a. Like someone you care about
b. Like someone you value
c. Like someone you want to see stay alive
d. Like someone you want to live a long time
e. Like someone you want to be happy

2. Stop allowing others to mistreat you (Abuse)

a. Putting you, your self-esteem down (Mental abuse)

(1) criticism
(2) teasing
(3) disrespect

b. Playing with your emotions (Emotional Abuse)

(1) Withholding affection
(2) Trying to make you sad, cry
(3) Trying to cause guilt, shame

c. Using fear to intimidate, control you (Psychological abuse)

(1) Threatening you
(2) Punishing you

d Physical Abuse

(1) Slapping
(2) Grabbing
(3) Pulling
(4) Shaking
(5) Hitting

e. Sexual Abuse

(1) Sex against your will
(2) Unenjoyable sex
(3) Sex as a weapon
(4) Treating you like sexual object
(5) Using sex to "solve" problems

 

3. Set Boundaries

a. Decide what is acceptable and unacceptable
b. "Put your foot down"; Draw a line, etc.
c. Maintain your boundaries

(1) Don't say one thing & do another
(2) Compromise, but don't "give in"
(3) Be firm, determined
(4) Remember: Actions speak louder....
(5) Instead of trying to change another person, just move on with your life.

C. Stop self-destructing through these unhealthy habits

1. Regret
2. Blame
3. Control

 a. You can't control anyone else but yourself
 b. You set yourself up for failure & frustration

 4. Worry

a. Worry is paralyzing
b. Worry doesn't solve anything
c. Worry makes you feel worse

5. Fear

a. Do what you fear to conquer it
b. Assess realistic probabilities of fear being realized
6. Feeling trapped
a. Seek new options
b. Meet new people
c. Get new opinions
d. Expand your comfort zone

(1) Try new things
(2) Give up old attachments, habits
(3) Stop setting artificial limits
               
               e. See "Empower Yourself"

7. Possessiveness
a. Attachment to parents
Example: Don't talk about "My" mother that way
b. Attachment to partner
c. Attachment to material things