What if we taught all young people the names of their feelings....

Then asked them how they felt....

Then really listened?

What might happen if we did this?

We believe it would change the world.

Continued below...

Sensitive children, in particular, feel pain when others are hurting. What would happen if we listened to these sensitive children?

What would happen if we asked children how they felt when people went to war or when their parents hit them or when they see other children being hit or punished? What might they say before we taught them all of our own beliefs about what is "right" and "wrong" and who is "good" and who is "evil"?

And what might happen if we taught children how to tell us when they felt frightened, threatened, disrespected, or under-estimated?

What might happen if we taught them how to tell us if they felt manipulated or bribed?

What might happen if we listened to them if they told us they were bored at school?

What might happen if we stopped invalidating their feelings by telling them that they don't really mean what they are saying or that they are being too dramatic or that they are "just tired".

What might happen if we never told them things like "stop complaining" or "stop crying"?

What might happen if we thought about and showed respect for the young child's feelings even before he has learned to speak?

What might happen if we encouraged, rather than discouraged, emotional honesty in our youth?

What might happen if we made sure that every child and teen had someone with whom they could safely express all their true feelings?

What might happen if all parents and all teachers were given formal training in how to show respect for a young person's individual feelings?

Here are some true stories. By this I mean the examples are true. Unfortunately it is only the alternatives which are fictional.

Example 1 - A young child tells her mother she is bored. The mother snaps back at her: "You can't find anything to do? Not one single thing?"

Alternative: What if the mother said, "You are? Hmm. Let's see if we can work together to find something you are interested in."

Example 2 - A family goes into a restaurant during the days of apartheid in South Africa. With them is their black adopted son, 18 months old. The manager comes over and says "You will have to leave or let 'it' wait outside. There are no blacks allowed here." His five year old white sister, Charity, starts to cry. "This is my brother!," she says. The manager coldly says, "It doesn't matter. He can't stay."

Alternative: What if the restaurant manager was moved by the girl's feelings? What if he decided to challenge the laws right there and then? What if he asked the little girl her name, then said, "Charity, you are right. The laws are wrong. I am sorry. He can stay."

Example 3 -- A 13 year old girl goes home and tells her mother that she doesn't feel comfortable with the way her sports teacher touches her. The mother says "He is probably just being friendly."

Alternative: What if the mother said "Oh yeah, like how is he touching you?"

Example 4 -- A 14 year old girl says she feels trapped at home. Her mother tells her to stop being so melodramatic.

Alternative: What if the mother said, "You are? That's not good. How come you feel trapped?"

 

Related links are

Emotional honesty

Invalidation

Validation

Listening

Common Negative Feelings

Respect