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Naomi

I have just watched two of Naomi's videos, but so far it looks like she is very much in agreement with most of my ideas about parenting... In fact, watching her brough a few tears to my eyes. S. Hein April 2012 -

I found out about Naomi from AERO.

The Child is Right

My Child Doesn't Listen

Steve's Journal Writing - April 23, 2015


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Steve's Journal Writing - April 23, 2015

Today I looked at Naomi Aldort's forum. It looks like no one has used it in a long time and it never was very active. Or at least not for a long time. Tried to join and got this:

Thank you for registering! Your account will need to be approved before you have full access to the forums. You will be notified via email once your account has been reviewed.

First, notice the exclamation point. Here is a little writing about how they are overused.

Second, why is it necessary to be approved? Seems overly controlling to me. I know with some forums you have to be approved, but with a lot of others, you don't. So I felt a bit suspicious about this.

You can read the forum but you only read it.While browsing it I read a post where a mother was asking for help, back in October of 2014, and she got no replies. So I tried to reply, but as I suspected, I wasn't allowed to and got this message.

Sorry! You don't have permission to perform this action. Your account will need to be approved before you have full access to the forums. You will be notified via email once your account has been reviewed.

(Another exclmation point.) Here is the post

I feel sad that no one answed. I feel judgmental of Naomi, critical. I also looked at her fees. She is charging a lot of money for her time now. For example, to talk to her on Skype for 15 minutes she wants 55 dollars. That is 220 per hour. For 50 minutes, 159 dollars. That is 190.80 per hour. Not bad. I say that sarcastically, just in case you weren't sure.

Here is the page with her prices http://www.naomialdort.com/guidance.html

Here is something else that I found on her site that bothered me. It is from the testimonials page. Someone is talking about her multi-day workshop.

Toward the end of a torrid second day, a terrific meltdown occurred (one of many during the day) for our youngest when we did not acquiesce to her demands. And Teresa and I laughed! We actually laughed about it! Not in any cruel way (not at the child.) We laughed because we GOT IT. We saw so clearly how we had made this little child the Captain of the family ship. We realized how ok it was to let her just cry, because life doesn’t always go your way. And we were relaxed with it. PHEW, what relief.

Laughing at your child crying? Or laughing while they are crying?

Acquiese to her demands?

They "got it"?

They had made the "little child" the "Captain of the ship"?

It's ok to just let her cry? ... because "life doesn't always go your way"?

They were relaxed about it?

"What a relief"?

Are these the kind of messages, parenting styles or beliefs that Naomi is giving parents? Did they really "get" her message? Doesn't she teach about the importance of empathy, validation? How it feels to be crying alone? Or while your parents, the most important people, in your life when you are a child, are laughing while you cry?

I have an article about just that...http://eqi.org/crying2.htm

I began to suspect that Naomi might be Jewish, so I did a search for "Naomi Aldort" "jew" and happened to find some articles criticizing her.

Though I am afraid some or many people will feel offended by what I just said about my suspicion, I won't defend myself too much right now. I will just say I have had enough experiences with people raised in that culture to justify my suspicions. And it turns out, she is Jewish by culture, I don't know about by religion. She is from Israel.

I found some articles

these article about Naomi...

The Questionable "Expertise" of Naomi Aldort, Part Three

 

books, authors

Site searches

Empathy

April 23, 2015

Today I did a site serch of naomialdotr.com. There were only 5 unique results.

Validation

30 results 14 of those included "beyond validation"

/

 

 
under construction. i am copying this from

http://www.scribd.com/doc/2069531/Attention-Parents-Here-is-the-formula-for-raising-a-happy-and-co-operative-child-with-half-the-effort

but it is going very slow. The copy paste isnt working well for some reason..

So I will post what I have so far.

--

InterviewWithNaomi Aldort (written transcript) Answering Any and A llof Your Parenting Questions

By Ashley Ryan www.AttachmentParentingBlog.com


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A t t e n t io n A u t h o r s , B lo g a n d W e b s i t e O w n e r s :
If you would like to re-print or use this material on your website orblog you do not require the author’s consent. You only need tokeep this report intact and may not edit it in any way, shape orform.Disclaimer:All material in this report is provided for your information onlyand may not be construed as medical advice or instruction. Noaction or inaction should be taken based solely on the contents of this information; instead, readers should consult appropriate healthprofessionals on any matter relating to their health and well-being.http://www.AttachmentParentingBlog.comhttp:// www.hubpages.com/hub/AshleyRecommendshttp:// www.squidoo.com/parentingresourceshttp://attachmentparentingblog.com/we-recommendContact the author at: info@attachmentparentingblog.com

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I’m here with Naomi Aldort; a psychologist specializing inparenting. Naomi is the author of the acclaimed parenting book,“Raising our children, Raising ourselves: Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to freedom, powerand joy”.Parents from around the globe seek Naomi’s advice by phone, inperson and through her workshops and CDs. Naomi’s advicecolumns appear in parenting magazines in Canada, USA, AU,U.K., and translated to German, Hebrew, Dutch, Japanese andSpanish.Naomi has been gracious enough to open up her day to answer themany burning questions surrounding attachment style parenting.Ashley: Hi Naomi! Great to be speaking with you!Naomi: Hello!Ashley: How are you doing today?Naomi: I’m very good. I’m very excited about this interview.

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Ashley: My first question for you is: Can you give me a brief overview of your approach to attachment-style parenting?Naomi: You know, I don’t even use the word attachment usually,because it’s limiting. It’s not just about attachment and in thisculture we have negative connotations to the word “attachment”.We’re attached to things and we’re attached as in “addicted”. I liketo call it
r e s p o n s i v e p a r e n t i n g
or
r e s p e c t f u l p a r e n t i n g
or just
n a t u r a l p a r e n t i n g
. Seeing attachment as a positive thing is what’sbehind what we’re trying to achieve here.Basically, what happened in our culture is we have lost our touch,we’ve lost our connection to simply listening to our own instincts,and to the baby and to the child.I’m actually writing another book about that to answer all thequestions, and constantly compare them against all the voices thatget in the way. In attachment parenting, instead of doing what thedoctor says, what the media says, what the grandparent says, or theneighbors or the school people say, we do what the baby says. It just so simple, the baby is not wrong.For many years in this culture, we have *slid off* to believe thatthe baby doesn’t know what he wants; that he was born all wrongand we need to fix him. We need to teach him to not do what hewants to do and to not get what he needs to get. In reality and what
xwe do in attachment parenting or responsive parenting is we believe the baby. We don’t think that God goofed or nature goofed;we assume that nature did the right job and that like all mammals,what the baby wants the baby needs, period. So if the baby wantsto stay on my body all the time, and the moment I pull it awayfrom my body, it cries, then it needs to be on my body all the time.If I go to sleep and the baby wants to sleep right next to me and if Iput it in a separate bed and it starts crying, then the baby wants tosleep next to me and that’s the best for them. That’s how I know,that’s the instructions direct from the source. I don’t need thedoctor’s opinion, I don’t need grandma to tell me, or the friends orthe neighbors. I can listen directly to the baby and the baby tellsme exactly what to do. When I do that, then what is created is abond, which again, I think is a better word than attachment; astrong, wonderful and deep bond, which creates the most importantfactor in child development and in children growing up to behavewell, and to succeed in everything, and be powerful and capable.That is trust; because when the baby experiences me, the mother,and the father, as totally on his side, where he’s powerful; hecommunicates something, he gets it. He communicates this withoutscreaming and we’ll talk more about this when we talk abouttantrums. Then he can keep communicating in a gentle, kind waybecause he sees the world is responding. “The world is attached to

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me and bonded to me; my mom is bonded to me and she’s on myside
.
”Ashley: My next question is: What is the basic foundation for raising an emotionally healthy child?Naomi: That’s such a beautiful question, especially coming out of the first one because it’s all connected. In a way I already answered it, but let’s go a little deeper as the child grows up. The foundation is for the child to experience that they’re worthy and that they are alright the way they are. So if I give a message to the baby or the toddler, “What you want is not alright”, and I’m not talking about wants like candy and toys; I’m talking about basicprimal needs. If I want to be held, if I want to nurse, to breastfeed,if I want to sleep next to the person I love the most and *I think that I am them* and that is being responded to, then I stay content.What creates an emotional healthy child is, first of all that factor of life being content and peaceful and things go my way. The otherside of an emotionally healthy child is not the opposite, but peoplemay see it as the opposite, is the ability of the child to face lifehowever it is and love it however it is. That’s a little harder formost of us to teach because we were raised and we are a verymaterialistic society that’s pretty addicted to getting what we want.

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In life we don’t always get what we want, and children become emotionally powerful when they have that balance where the primal needs are there, so there is no anxiety about “Am I loved, am I worthy, will I get someone to snuggle next to me, will I be fat, will I be held?”, when those aren’t at all doubted, there’s no question at all that’s always there, then experiencing that some things in life I see the world growing around, and as I experience more interests and preferences, some things I can get and some things I cannot. Having a benign attitude about that, like, “okay I wanted that toy and I guess that one I can’t get, but I get to listen to a story with my mother now”, or “I just don’t get this, we’re not going to the beach right now”, or “we’re not eating ice cream right now”, and having that stay peaceful and stay rooted in who I am and me and the love of my mother and my father is the primaryconnection and all the rest is superficial, then I stay powerful andthe baby can handle anything and they grow up being able tohandle anything.

My teenager, 15 years old and the most sensitiveage for peer pressure, comes home and he said, “You know, this friend of mine got these other two girls and they were all teasing me. They ganged up on me and did all of that and I thought, ‘That was so silly.’ And I said, “What did you say to them? Did it hurt your feelings?” He said “Absolutely not, that’s just their game, it has nothing to do with me.” He said, “I told them ‘that’s fine, I

 
From Youtube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFeALkIOK54

Oliver's older brother, Lennon, has just released his Debut CD of solo piano improvisation. It's available at amazon.com.

 

From http://lennonaldort.com/Lennon_Aldort_Website/Biography.html

 

I am a 24 year old pianist, violinist, violist and composer. I grew up on Orcas Island, WA and began playing the piano at the age of three.

        I studied music at the Academy in Vancouver, BC, the Conservatory in Victoria, BC, and the New England Conservatory in Boston, MA. I earned my B.A. in music from the University of Washington in 2012.

        I am currently living in Seattle and playing piano around town for restaurants, clubs and private events

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPOXyiDkZf8

 

 
A comment

Left by

One thing I believe should be added to this information is the fact that children can learn how to handle going to a restaurant. They require leaders, as you say, to teach them the necessary life skills BEFORE going to the restaurant. I'm all for going to the park first. However, whether you do take them to the park or not children deserve being taught expectations of what they can and cannot do at the restaurant, whether you take them to the park first or not. Our job as parents is to teach life skills. Our reward is great behavior. Their job is to learn life skills. Their reward is whatever is important to them plus self confidence, happiness, love, self-control, self-discipline and gratitude. What a great match! When a child asks for dessert, or to watch a movie when they get home, parents would do their children a great service to match their child's reward to how well they engaged with the life skill of going out to dinner. "You earned a little of the movie, half of the movie or all of the movie." This is how you create champions for life!

-

SH - I don't know yet what N. thiniks about rewards. But I know what I think, and what Alfie Kohn thinks. I would like to see Naomi reply to this, to see whether she agrees with this guy or not. I defintely do not.

By the way when I read this comment I thought it sounded like some kind of ad... when I clicked on the user I saw that it was, trying to get you to look at their channel.

They have a little business.. here is one page from their website. I found this particular page when I did a site seach on their site for "god", to see how many times it appeared. I was afraid they were going to be like James Dobson or w/e his name is from the Focus on the Family empire. They sounded pretty typical, based on their Youtube channel videos about defiant children.

As I looked around their site I didn't find any prices. It seems they want you to contact them first. But I did find they have an "affiliate" area. Here is a bit from that page

Register a New Affiliate Account

Payment Email

*sigh... These affiliate people.......

I also saw one video. It was so fake. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym4agqh0mlI

He does such a terrible job of answering the second question. Like a politician. Then the wife tries to save it a bit haha. I really wonder how much that cost them, ie how much they paid to get that TV channel to stage a fake interview with them, and the fake, obviously planned questions. (With all the head nodding in agreement to everything they said haha)

Here is something from the description of the video on that page

Are your kids eating up all of your time and energy? Have they been diagnosed with a behavior disorder like Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or any other mental health disorder?

You are invited to a set of FREE videos that will help you get started in the right direction to full-fill your deepest wishes, as a parent.

(Then they have their facebook page..)

Eliminate power struggles, easily, by following our step by step, one of a kind, innovative and ground breaking formula for raising cooperative kids, who are independent, happy and confident!

Finally, the recipe for raising good kids and successful adults has been found.

Just a few years ago, I was a single mom raising four children, three of whom were diagnosed with ADHD - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and my youngest with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. When I discovered these powerful pro-active and positive parenting solutions, and applied them with my kids, the results were so phenomenal that I had to share them with you and every other parent in the world. I had lost hope as a mother. Since this discovery I have found peace, happiness and joy in my parenting life. I wish the same thing for you.

Enjoy your videos and please be in touch with any questions, comments or observations by entering a comment below.

Creating Champions for Life is The World's #1 Parent Advice For Any Parent Who's Goal Is To Raise Happy, Cooperative and Confident Children

Just get and watch the FREE videos. You will gain the knowledge, to acquire cooperation, peace and harmony with your kids.

 

 

Beyond Validation: Raising Peaceful and Emotionally Resilient Children
By Naomi Aldort
Author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

For over twenty years now I have been teaching parents how to connect, validate and understand the needs behind children's emotional expressions, and allow them to feel and express themselves fully. Yet I noticed new difficult behaviors and dependencies arising as a result of these well intended endeavors. Indeed, some of the kindest parents unintentionally teach their children to feel more entitled and therefore less peaceful.

Many of us grew up emotionally lonely and confused by habitual denial of our feelings. We were told, "Don't cry, nothing happened," while inside we felt that a lot happened; or we were shut down with, "You are fine," when we were hurting inside. It is inspiring to see many of today's parents trying to give their children the compassion and validation they themselves did not receive. However, in their anxiety to be gentle, parents sometimes don't realize that they teach victimhood and neediness. They typically call for my guidance saying: "I have been so kind and responsive, why is my child so demanding, whiny, angry and even aggressive?"

How validation and talk about feelings and needs can backfire:

Depending on how we speak, the child can turn validation into seeing herself as a victim; "If my feeling is so right and my need so real, then it is horrible that I am not getting what I want." The relief of knowing, "Mommy understands how miserable I am," can turn into, "I am right to be miserable so I must get what I want." The child then feels entitled and angry and is likely to hit and scream.

Dwelling on emotions can recreate them and make the child a believer in her own drama. When we "drown" in the story, we lead the child to devote more tantrums to defend similar scenarios again and again. The question is how to validate the child's emotional experience without drowning with her. We want to encourage her to express herself freely with our attentive and caring listening; we don't want to pump emotions that weren't authentically hers. While connecting kindly, we must simultaneously open the door for her to feel resilient and able to move on with inner peace.

The source of pain is not what happens, but what the child says to herself about what happens, which she learns from us. Therefore, it is about doing our own work side by side with the child, learning to discover how our mind takes us for a ride and not pass this painful ride to the child. We don't want to deny emotions, nor do we need to be unkind or controlling, but we do want to empower the child to discover joy and even gratitude in what is unchangeable.

Empowering through inquiry

When we think of empowering we may think of making an inspiring suggestion or comment. However, most often, empowering is about saying less, not more. It is about knowing not to fix the situation or even imply a need for fixing. Unless you are unnecessarily restricting your child or the situation is unsafe, avoid changing reality. Your child takes cues from your attitude. Drama and panic to fix scares and weakens him.

For example, a three-year-old was crying when her banana broke. Her mother validated her feeling of "sadness and disappointment" at which point the child got so mad that she wouldn't listen to anything other than going to the store to buy another banana. The validation and recognition of her wish worked all too well and she was now convinced that she had no emotional capacity to do without a whole new banana. At this point the feeling is no longer the child's original authentic experience, but an expanded version her mother has unintentionally ignited in her.

Rather than name strong emotions like sadness or disappointment, a parent can confirm the facts, "You wanted a whole banana and now you have two parts." With such factual recognition the child feels connected and understood while free to generate her own emotional response. If the child has not learned to dramatize and feel victimized, then such validation will bring the issue to an end. You can add, "Let me know if you don't want it and I will put it away."

If the child needs to cry after your factual validation, be there for her without drama and without a "communication workshop." Just hold the space, offer to hold her or simply listen and be a loving presence. She will be done raging and ready to move on when you allow her to express herself fully. Usually, with a young one, she moves on at ease as long as we don't inject hope or anxiety by distracting, offering solutions, compensating or hoping that validation will stop the crying (which is not its purpose).

Some children are rightfully uncomfortable when a parent "reads" their emotions out loud. Such a child not only cannot feel connected at that moment, but tends to be angry or feel shame. Validation of facts can therefore be also more respectful and allow space for autonomous expression if needed. Most often, when we are at peace, the child moves on with ease.

If not used to getting some payoff for aggression or rage, most children don't need anything other than the factual validation and parental presence. If the child needs more help in feeling, expressing and being empowered, one can do a simple inquiry, adopted from The Work of Byron Katie:

1) Recognize the likely thought that causes the upset and speak it:
(We will use the broken banana example but you can apply it to any cause of upset.)
Mother: "Are you imagining the banana whole and saying to yourself that it should still be whole?"
Child: "Yes."

2) Investigating the truth:
Mother: "Are you sure this banana should be whole?"
Child: Typically laughing and saying, "No," then eating the banana. Or, quietly pondering, looking at the two part banana (or toy or scraped knee).

But lets take the more habituated case and imagine the child says: "Yes, I want it whole," raging even more:

3) Exploring the impact the thought has on the child's emotions and reactions:
Mother: "What happens to you when you keep imagining a whole banana and this one is two parts?"
Child is crying or saying, "I want that other banana... I want you to go get another..." (That's her painful reaction to her own imagination, not to reality).

Here comes more validation, but this time, it is about the thought, not about reality:
Mother: "I see. When you think of a whole banana - then you want it, you feel upset and you cry. It is fine to cry. Would you like me to hold you?"
The message is clear that feelings are totally fine to experience and express. The child may cry more, gets a hug, connection and love as long as she needs. She learns, "I cry because of what I think. I am not a victim of the banana or whatever the story is." She doesn't get it consciously on the spot, but over the years this distinction will give her emotional resilience and become her way of responding.

4) Investigate how the child would feel if she didn't have that thought:
Mother: "How would you feel about this two pieces banana if you weren't imagining the other one?"
Child: Eats the banana, throws it laughing, brings a book to read or whatever is closure for her. In essence she is saying, "I would be fine."

If the child is strongly habituated in getting her way, this process may have to continue. Yet, when we stay peaceful and not anxious to fix or to stop her tears, a child will come to her own inner strength and turn her painful thinking around on her own in action and/or words by eating the banana, saying "I don't need another banana" or moving on.

For most children, the parent's calm factual validation is enough. When we don't "drown" with the child, she becomes aware of the solid ground on which we are standing, and steps out of her emotional "water" to join us, in her own time and way.

Empowering through benign recognition:

I recall, in one of the family intensive workshops in our home, the children of both families were having a ball in the bedroom jumping on the bed and laughing while the mother was haveing a session with me in the kitchen. Every now and then we heard screaming. Suddenly the door opened and out came one of my children, four at the time.

He walked over to me: "I disturbed," he started softly, "they said that if I disturb five times I will have to leave the room."
I opened my arms and he climbed into my lap.
"I disturbed five times," he continued.
I kissed and hugged him. I said, "You wanted to stay and play but you couldn't help yourself?" He nodded. "I know how hard it can be to control yourself." I empathized.
"I know," he said.
I hugged and kissed him again. After giving him more empathy he became quite and I said, "Sitting together, I feel so connected to you... happy to be with you... I love everything about the way you are."
"Even when I disturb?" He asked,
"Yes," I responded with a smile. "I love you because you are you."
He looked at me and said, "Ah."
He stayed with me for a short while drinking my unconditional appreciation and love. Then he got up, went to the playroom and got busy playing by himself, completely peaceful and content.

Some parents would wonder if by treating a child so lovingly after he "misbehaved" I don't "reinforce" the "bad" behavior. However, there is no "bad" behavior in the child, only in our judgmental thoughts. With our recognition of the child's humanity, he learns compassion and forgiveness.

Notice there is no mini lecture, no "court house" style admonition like, "Are you learning something?" No trying to rescue the child by getting the children to take him back if he promises to behave well. No undermining the kind leadership of the older brother either. No one learns that they are a victim or that they need to change reality and no one is bad, only human.

The child felt complete and empowered to love reality as it was, love himself with his current abilities and weaknesses, forgive himself and peacefully move on. Without any painful parental preaching, he learned that disturbing doesn't benefit him. Validation of facts and limitations without big emotional drama helped him come to terms with reality. He also learned that his worth is not harmed by his fallibility. At the same time, his brother, who compassionately gave him plenty of opportunities to stay, felt respected and empowered in his leadership role.

A child's peaceful acceptance of reality is much more powerful than a dependency on getting things changed. He learns that he can experience intense emotions and express himself fully and that he doesn't have to get his way to be happy. We can't stop the rain so we are at peace with it. In the same way, children see life as what it is until we teach them otherwise. It is the love of reality that is the source of true inner peace.

ęCopyright Naomi Aldort