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How to Help Someone with Depression

Here are some general suggestions about what you can do to help a depressed friend or any other depressed person.

This is a new page to try to collect all the suggestions in one place.

- Help Them Identify Feelings and Their Causes

- Suicide Prevention Advice

- Helping Relationships

- See also What Not to Do


Introduction

Chances are good that you know someone who is depressed. Here are some ways you can help them.

1. Show them you have noticed.

Many depressed people don't want to be a burden to anyone else so they might not directly tell you they are depressed. Also, they might be afraid or embarrassed to tell you. So what you can do is gently let them know you have noticed. You might say something like:

- You seem a bit down.

- I'm a little worried about you.

2. Ask them how OK they are, from 0-10

When asked how they are, most people, depressed or not, will just say, "fine" or , "ok". But this doesn't tell us very much in reality. A particularly useful way to find out more is to ask the question like this:

- How ok are you from 0-10?

or

- How fine, from 0-10

3. Many websites will recommend that you send your friend or loved one to a professional. We feel a bit suspicious of this. We suspect the articles written on those sites are actually written by psychologists! We believe that friends can help more than psychologists simply because friends care more. For example, when people are asked if their psychologist would cry if they killed themselves most say, "no". Also, many people will be reluctant to see a psychologist, for various reasons.

(Before you start to think that we are being guilty of the same thing, since we offer on-line counseling, we want to stress that face to face is definitely preferable to online help in most ways.)

4. Read the following links to help you improve your listening skills.

- Listening

- Validation

- Invalidation

- Empathy

- Understanding

5. Show them

Show them you have noticed and that you care by emailing something like this to them:

This page is written for friends and loved ones of people who care about them. You were probably given this link because someone is a little worried about you feeling sad or down or depressed.

They weren't too sure what to say, but wanted to let you know they cared.

I am a little worried about you but I wasn't real sure what to say. I have noticed that you are feeling kind of sad or down and I would like to help.

It might be easier for you to do a little reading than for you to just start talking to me.

Help Them Identify Feelings and Their Causes

Here is one example of using our list of common negative feelings to help a teenager. On this day a teen was feeling an urge to cut. To help her make it through the moment without cutting, we asked her to look at the list to see which feelings applied to her. Here are her responses:

ashamed, cut own, embarrassed, disrespected, labeled, powerless, alone, brushed off, lonely, misunderstood, unknown, invisible, accused, misled, disapproved of, over-protected, terrified, insecure, scared, suspicious

Here is a copy of the dialogue:

Helper: Helper: Wow. That is a lot.

Hurting teen: Yeah

Helper: Can you try to explain each one a little bit? Or some of them, the main ones maybe?

Hurting Teen: Ask me one

Helper: Ok, lets start at the beginning... ashamed, then cut down.

Hurting teen: Ok...I feel ashamed by being bisexual and cutting. And I feel cut down because people say things to make me feel like I'm not worth anything.

Helper: Like who says things that hurt you and make you feel worthless?

Hurting Teen: My dad's friends and this guy I have known a long time.

Helper: Like what do they say exactly?

Hurting Teen: They say I am such a bad person that I can't possibly really be my father's daughter.

Helper: What do they say is so bad about you?

Hurting Teen: Well, like that I am a cutter, and a smoker and I am bi

Later....

Helper: What do you feel suspicious about?

Hurting Teen: That no one likes me or loves me.


Example Two

Here is another example of using the list of common negative feelings. In this case the teen was being seen by social workers because her father had been sexually harassing her.

Helper says: look at the list and tell me which u feel at home, and if u want, add who u feel that way with.

Teen says: ok Stereotyped by my mum and dad, offended by my parents and brother and social workers and police

Helper says:
ok how do u feel stereotyped by ur mom

Teen says:
shes like "oh, teenagers ur age....."

Teen says:
i just wanna shout "im not a teenager but im anna" im not like everyone else. everyone's different

Helper says:
yeah

Helper says:
ur not like everyone else anna


Helper says:
i can see that

Teen says:
lectured to by my family

Teen says:
Over-controlled
Over-ruled
Powerless
Pressured
Restricted
Trapped-parents

Teen says:
Bossed around
Controlled
Imprisoned - parents

Teen says:
Alone, Ignored, Insignificant
Invisible Lonely
Misunderstood
Unheard
Unimportant
Unwanted
these words r really good they describe how i feel

Helper says:
yeah

Teen says:
Falsely accused
Guilt-tripped
Interrogated
Judged
Lied about
Teen says:
Punished

Helper says:
who punishes u?

Teen says:
parents

Teen says:
Abused
Afraid
Teen says:

Frightened
Intimidated

Teen says:
Scared

A good friend or counselor would then help the person try to figure out the causes of the feelings and what would help them feel better in each case.


Here is a list adapted from
netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/pnd-support-55/220684-how-help-someone-depression.html

  • Show you care. Maybe write or send a note saying something like: "I just want you to know I am thinking of you and I'd like to help. If there is anything I can do, please tell me because I would feel better if I knew I was helping you. I care about you."
  • Try to be non-judgmental. The most valuable thing you can give someone is your time and the chance to talk, if they want to. Realise that you won't get much back, and you need to keep offering support even if it is pushed away.
  • Remember that people don't always tell you when they are depressed. They put on a brave, bright face even when they are cracking up inside.
  • Share her/his fears. If we are depressed we shut ourselves away, it's a desperate defense, for which we pay a heavy price. You can help by taking her/him by the hand and try to connect them back to the world.
  • This is NOT the time to start giving advice or come up with a plan for self-improvement. Maybe you can talk about occasions when you, too, have felt loneliness, discouragement and confusion.
  • Be patient. Depression has to run its course.
  • Reassure her/him she/he is not alone. You can help by lessening their isolation. Do it with cups of tea or long walks or sitting in their room or in a room nearby and staying silent. Help them feel in control by asking if it is okay if you stay there. If they can't talk, try holding their hand and asking them to squeeze once for yes and twice for no. Or once for yes and nothing for no.
  • There may be times when she/he is hostile and aggressive ("help me, help me - stay away!" is the message a depressed person gives), times when he/she won't answer the door or phone - your job is to keep trying, preventing isolation - leaving messages, send letters, turn up in person.
  • Depression may be the beginning - not the end. Perhaps this debilitating, energy-draining, all-consuming black hole serves a purpose. Perhaps we are being forced to make painful changes to our understanding.
  • "Depression is a dark room where we are developing the next chapter of our lives before living it" (Quote from poet Gwyneth Lewis).
  • "Depression is often a sign that life needs to be drastically changed" (Adapted from Philip Toynbee)
  • Sometimes we are like animals who, if we are to finish the journey, need to retire to a safe place to let our wounds heal. Recovery is painful. But it may be necessary for our survival.
  • Give your friend practical help: Someone who is depressed may find it hard to get dressed, go for a walk (though exercise produces feel-good endorphins and reconnects them to the outside world), they may be eating badly too - or not at all.
  • Shop/cook for your friend if it is okay with him/her.
  • Deep lethargy may mean your friend is as physically incapacitated as if she had broken every bone in her body. She/he may need help washing clothes, cleaning, buying toilet paper. Don't wait to be asked, just do it.
  • Build our own support network. Don't forget to look after yourself too. It's tough supporting a friend/relative with depression, you miss who he/she used to be, you are afraid he/she is contemplating suicide. So make sure you also have support.
  • You can cooperate with them, you can give love and support
  • Books to read: "When someone you love has depression "- by Barbara Baker - it's full of practical information and treatment options, including drugs and counselling. It also gives practical advice on how to cope.

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Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Abuse
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Respect | Parenting
Listening | Invalidation
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Online Consulting, Counseling Coaching from EQI.org

How to let someone know you have noticed, and you care - very gently

- We need something like "get well cards" - you know the ones you buy in the stores - but for depression....

They could be e-cards with links to useful pages or with quotes like "I get depressed too.. " "I imagine you are afraid to tell me how you are really feeling.."

 
please try to remember these ideas

dont give advice. dont judge. dont betray her trust.

remember to help her feel cared about, not controlled in any way. and
of course accepted and understood.

steve

< this was part of a letter to a teen who asked how to help a friend who was cutting

Suicide Prevention

Here is something I wrote in response to some advice I saw on a wiki type page about suicide prevention. They had pretty good advice about listening but then they said this...

"....I need you to stay with me and focus on our conversation." This may sound harsh or blunt, but it is actually very effective. First, it focuses the person on someone other than him or herself. Second, it is almost a direct command. If this person is in the same room, or on the phone with you at this stage, s/he sees you as a minor authority figure. Use that authority to get the person to follow your instructions, even if it's only for a moment.

Here is what I wrote...

This part is too controlling.

People need to feel cared about, not controlled.

It is focused on the Helper's needs, not the suicidal person's needs.

when I feel suicidal I don't want someone attempting to control me in any way. I just want them to care, listen and understand. If they do that, my suicidal feelings will pass, but if they try to control me, I won't tell them the next time I feel suicidal.

So I'd say stick with the caring, listening, understanding part of this article.

I would add that I feel very turned off by the part about "a minor authority figure." I want someone who cares, not controls, thus definitely not an authority figure of any kind, unless they will use their power to help with what *I* need, not what they need.

People who feel suicidal have had their needs trampled on for years. That is why they are suicidal.