EQI.org Home | Library and Bookstore | Other Important Authors Excerpts
from Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence
People Comparing What Dale Carnegie and Daniel Goleman say about success Listening
Respect
Thinking of Others, Caring, Loneliness How To Spur People On To Success Positive Reinforcement Stories Criticizing I also have notes from the first time I listened to his book on tape on this page |
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Comparing What Dale
Carnegie and Daniel Goleman Say About Success What Carnegie said in 1936
Compare this to what Dan Goleman said in 1995
S. Hein comments about "success" |
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Thinking of Others, Caring,
Loneliness William James once wrote an essay called "On a Certain Blindness in Human Beings." It would be worth a special trip to your nearest library to get that essay and read it. "Now the blindness in human beings of which this discourse will treat," he wrote, "is the blindness with which we all are afflicted in regard to the feelings of creatures and people different from ourselves." Many men who wouldn't dream of speaking sharply to a customer, or even to their partners in business, think nothing of barking at their wives. Yet, for their personal happiness, marriage is far more important to them, far more vital, than business. The average man who is happily married is happier by far than the genius who lives in solitude. Turgenev, the great Russian novelist, was acclaimed all over the civilized world. Yet he said: "I would give up all my genius, and all my books, if there were only some woman, somewhere, who cared whether or not I came home late for dinner." |
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Active
Listening Carnegie wrote this before the term "Active listening" was popularized by Thomas Gordon
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I Know That You Love Me Listening is just as important in
one's home life as in the world of |
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Telephone Company Story The chronic kicker, even the most
violent critic, will frequently soften I closed the case
completely, he paid all his bills in full, and for the
first time in the history of his -- Note - I don't believe his grievances were "imagined." And I am afraid this kind of thinking will lead to invalidation, even if it is not shown to the person directly for business reasons. Also, needed changes won't be made if people think that others are just imagining things. S.Hein George B. Johnston of
Enid, Oklahoma, is the safety coordinator for |
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Final's
Final
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No One Likes To Take
Orders, Therefore, Ask Questions Instead of Giving Direct
Orders Story 1 I once had the pleasure of dining with Miss Ida Tarbell, the dean of American biographers. When I told her I was writing this book, we began discussing this all-important subject of getting along with people, and she told me that while she was writing her biography of Owen D. Young, she interviewed a man who had sat for three years in the same office with Mr. Young. This man declared that during all that time he had never heard Owen D. Young give a direct order to anyone. He always gave suggestions, not orders. Owen D. Young never said, for example, "Do this or do that," or "Don't do this or don't do that." He would say, "You might consider this," or "Do you think that would work?" Frequently he would say, after he had dictated a letter, "What do you think of this?" In looking over a letter of one of his assistants, he would say, "Maybe if we were to phrase it this way it would be better." He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes. A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like that saves a person's pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion. Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued. Story 2 Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time - even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation. Dan Santarelli, a teacher at a vocational school in Wyoming, Pennsylvania, told one of our classes how one of his students had blocked the entrance way to one of the school's shops by illegally parking his car in it. One of the other instructors stormed into the classroom and asked in an arrogant tone, "Whose car is blocking the driveway?" When the student who owned the car responded, the instructor screamed: "Move that car and move it right now, or I'll wrap a chain around it and drag it out of there." From that day on, not only did that student resent the instructor's action, but all the students in the class did everything they could to give the instructor a hard time and make his job unpleasant. How could he have handled it differently? EQI answer... He could have said, "I just noticed that there is a blue car parked in front of one of our shops and I'm afraid that it will block the way for other students." If he had said this it is likely that the owner would have moved it and neither he nor his classmates would have been upset and resentful. Story 3 When Ian Macdonald of Johannesburg, South Africa, the general manager of a small manufacturing plant specializing in precision machine parts, had the opportunity to accept a very large order, he was convinced that he would not meet the promised delivery date. The work already scheduled in the shop and the short completion time needed for this order made it seem impossible for him to accept the order. Instead of pushing his people to accelerate their work and rush the order through, he called everybody together, explained the situation to them, and told them how much it would mean to the company and to them if they could make it possible to produce the order on time. Then he started asking questions: "Is there anything we can do to handle this order?" "Can anyone think of different ways to process it through the shop that will make it possible to take the order?" "Is there any way to adjust our hours or personnel assignments that would help?" The employees came up with many ideas and insisted that he take the order. They approached it with a "We can do it" attitude, and the order was accepted, produced and delivered on time. |
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Principle 5 - Let The Other
Person Save Face This could also be called "Consider Feelings When Criticizing" Carnegie says we often fail to consider other people's feelings. He says we are often "getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person's pride. " He says just a little thought, "a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person's attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting." Here is the story that goes with that...
Losing a Good Employee A student in one of Carnegie's courses told this story about what happened when a manager failed to consider his employee's feelings.
Carnegie then offers a contrasting story of how a manager handled a situation in a much better way. He says that another student was given her first major assignment - the test-marketing of a new product. Here is that story.
Carnegie continues...
Carnegie says "a real
leader will always follow Principle 5 - Let the other
person save face. " |
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Motivational Stories Enrico Caruso Many years ago a boy of ten was working in a factory in Naples, He longed to be a singer, but his first teacher discouraged him. "You can't sing," he said. "You haven't any voice at all. It sounds like the wind in the shutters." But his mother, a poor peasant woman, put her arms about him and praised him and told him she knew he could sing, she could already see an improvement, and she went barefoot in order to save money to pay for his music lessons. That peasant mother's praise and encouragement changed that boy's life. His name was Enrico Caruso, and he became the greatest and most famous opera singer of his age. (But what if it had been his mother who said "You can't sing?") - In the early nineteenth century, a young man in London aspired to be a writer. But everything seemed to be against him. He had never been able to attend school more than four years. His father had been flung in jail because he couldn't pay his debts, and this young man often knew the pangs of hunger. Finally, he got a job pasting labels on bottles of blacking in a rat-infested warehouse, and he slept at night in a dismal attic room with two other boys - guttersnipes from the slums of London. He had so little confidence in his ability to write that he sneaked out and mailed his first manuscript in the dead of night so nobody would laugh at him. Story after story was refused. Finally the great day came when one was accepted. True, he wasn't paid a shilling for it, but one editor had praised him. One editor had given him recognition. He was so thrilled that he wandered aimlessly around the streets with tears rolling down his cheeks. The praise, the recognition, that he received through getting one story in print, changed his whole life, for if it hadn't been for that encouragement, he might have spent his entire life working in rat-infested factories. You may have heard of that boy. His name was Charles Dickens. -- Another boy in London made his living as a clerk in a dry-goods store. He had to get up at five o'clock, sweep out the store, and slave for fourteen hours a day. It was sheer drudgery and he despised it. After two years, he could stand it no longer, so he got up one morning and, without waiting for breakfast, tramped fifteen miles to talk to his mother, who was working as a housekeeper. He was frantic. He pleaded with her. He wept. He swore he would kill himself if he had to remain in the shop any longer. Then he wrote a long, pathetic letter to his old schoolmaster, declaring that he was heartbroken, that he no longer wanted to live. His old schoolmaster gave him a little praise and assured him that he really was very intelligent and fitted for finer things and offered him a job as a teacher. That praise changed the future of that boy and made a lasting impression on the history of English literature. For that boy went on to write innumerable best-selling books and made over a million dollars with his pen. You've probably heard of him. His name: H. G. Wells. |
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How To Spur People On To Success Pete Barlow was an old friend of mine. He had a dog-and-pony act and spent his life traveling with circuses and vaudeville shows. I loved to watch Pete train new dogs for his act. I noticed that the moment a dog showed the slightest improvement, Pete patted and praised him and gave him meat and made a great to-do about it. That's nothing new. Animal trainers have been using that same technique for centuries. Why, I wonder, don't we use the same common sense when trying to change people that we use when trying to change dogs? Why don't we use meat instead of a whip? Why don't we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving. -- In the early nineteenth century, a young man in London aspired to be a writer. But everything seemed to be against him. He had never been able to attend school more than four years. His father had been flung in jail because he couldn't pay his debts, and this young man often knew the pangs of hunger. Finally, he got a job pasting labels on bottles of blacking in a rat-infested warehouse, and he slept at night in a dismal attic room with two other boys - guttersnipes from the slums of London. He had so little confidence in his ability to write that he sneaked out and mailed his first manuscript in the dead of night so nobody would laugh at him. Story after story was refused. Finally the great day came when one was accepted. True, he wasn't paid a shilling for it, but one editor had praised him. One editor had given him recognition. He was so thrilled that he wandered aimlessly around the streets with tears rolling down his cheeks. The praise, the recognition, that he received through getting one story in print, changed his whole life, for if it hadn't been for that encouragement, he might have spent his entire life working in rat-infested factories. You may have heard of that boy. His name was Charles Dickens. -- Another boy in London made his living as a clerk in a dry-goods store. He had to get up at five o'clock, sweep out the store, and slave for fourteen hours a day. It was sheer drudgery and he despised it. After two years, he could stand it no longer, so he got up one morning and, without waiting for breakfast, tramped fifteen miles to talk to his mother, who was working as a housekeeper. He was frantic. He pleaded with her. He wept. He swore he would kill himself if he had to remain in the shop any longer. Then he wrote a long, pathetic letter to his old schoolmaster, declaring that he was heartbroken, that he no longer wanted to live. His old schoolmaster gave him a little praise and assured him that he really was very intelligent and fitted for finer things and offered him a job as a teacher. That praise changed the future of that boy and made a lasting impression on the history of English literature. For that boy went on to write innumerable best-selling books and made over a million dollars with his pen. You've probably heard of him. His name: H. G. Wells. |
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Positive Reinforcement
Stories Story 1 Use of praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of B.F. Skinner's teachings. This great contemporary psychologist has shown by experiments with animals and with humans that when criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention. This works on the job too.
Keith Roper of Woodland Hills, California, -- John Ringelspaugh of Rocky Mount, North Carolina, used this in dealing with his children. It seemed that, as in so many families, mother and dad's chief form of communication with the children was yelling at them. And, as in so many cases, the children became a little worse rather than better after each such session - and so did the parents. There seemed to be no end in sight for this problem. Mr. Ringelspaugh determined to use some of the principles he was learning in our course to solve this situation. He reported: "We decided to try praise instead of harping on their faults. It wasn't easy when all we could see were the negative things they were doing; it was really tough to find things to praise. We managed to find something, and within the first day or two some of the really upsetting things they were doing quit happening. Then some of their other faults began to disappear. They began capitalizing on the praise we were giving them. They even began going out of their way to do things right. Neither of us could believe it. Of course, it didn't last forever, but the norm reached after things leveled off was so much better. It was no longer necessary to react the way we used to. The children were doing far more right things than wrong ones." All of this was a result of praising the slightest improvement in the children rather than condemning everything they did wrong. See my notes about BF Skinner |
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Leading by Showing Respect "The average person," said Samuel Vauclain, then president of the Baldwin Locomotive Works, "can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability." |
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On Creating Resentment If you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism - no matter how certain we are that it is justified. |
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On The Negative Effects of
Criticism Bitter criticism caused the sensitive Thomas Hardy, one of the finest novelists ever to enrich English literature, to give up forever the writing of fiction. Criticism drove Thomas Chatterton, the English poet, to suicide. Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment. Hans Selye, another great psychologist, said, "As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation," Let's realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return. |
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Criticizing vs Understanding Instead of criticizing and condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. "To know all is to forgive all." (To understand all.... Tout comprendre..) See EQI page on Understanding |
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When dealing with people,
let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of
logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion,
creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by
pride and vanity. From an EI perspective it would be accurate and helpful to say "motivated by their specific unmet emotional needs, such as the need to feel important, respected, valued and appreciated. |
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Note: Carnegie doesn't
talk about many specific emotional needs. He generalizes
them to fall under the categories of feeling important
and feeling appreciated. In one place he says: John Dewey, as we have already noted, said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William James said: "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." |
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Appreciation Here are all the places Carnegie talks about appreciation and feeling appreciated.
-- A man with 314 employees
joined one of these courses. -- Carnegie says that Al Capone, called by most a criminal gangster, "actually regarded himself as a public benefactor - an unappreciated and misunderstood public benefactor." -- William James said: "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." He didn't speak, mind you, of the "wish" or the "desire" or the "longing" to be appreciated. He said the "craving" to be appreciated. -- In his story about a woman in a mental institution who believes she married into English aristocracy he says, "If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity." |
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Concerns, Commentary How would the people he wrote about feel if they were to read this? Is he encouraging people to be emotionally false? IE: Smile. Be happy. I fear that if too many people act the way he suggests we people would tend to be come false and materialistic. "But as soon as he got his feeling of importance from a representative of the company, his imagined grievances vanished into thin air." What does it mean to be successful? - See comments under DG vs DC S. Hein |
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On Marriage, Women, Being
Courteous "No woman can ever understand why a man doesn't put forth the same effort to make his home a going concern as he does to make his business or profession a success. "But, although to have a contented wife and a peaceful and happy home means more to a man than to make a million dollars, not one man in a hundred ever gives any real serious thought or makes any honest effort to make his marriage a success. He leaves the most important thing in his life to chance, and he wins out or loses, according to whether fortune is with him or not. Women can never understand why their husbands refuse to handle them diplomatically, when it would be money in their pockets to use the velvet glove instead of the strong-arm method. "Every man knows that he can jolly his wife into doing anything, and doing without anything. He knows that if he hands her a few cheap compliments about what a wonderful manager she is, and how she helps him, she will squeeze every nickel. Every man knows that if he tells his wife how beautiful and lovely she looks in her last year's dress, she wouldn't trade it for the latest Paris importation. Every man knows that he can kiss his wife's eyes shut until she will be blind as a bat, and that he has only to give her a warm smack on the lips to make her dumb as an oyster. "And every wife knows that her husband knows these things about her, because she has furnished him with a complete diagram about how to work her. And she never knows whether to be mad at him or disgusted with him, because he would rather fight with her and pay for it in having to eat bad meals, and have his money wasted, and buy her new frocks and limousines and pearls, than to take the trouble to flatter her a little and treat her the way she is begging to be treated." So, if you want to keep your home life happy. Rule 6 is: Be courteous. |
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Table of Contents Part 1 - Fundamental
Techniques In Handling People Part 2 - Six Ways
To Make People Like You Part 3 - Twelve
Ways To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking Part 4 - Be A
Leader - Nine Ways To Change People Without Giving
Offence Or
Part 5 - Letters That Produced Miraculous Results Part 6 - Seven Rules For Making Your Home Life Happier 1 - How to Dig Your
Marital Grave in the Quickest Possible Way |
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Eight Things This Book Will Help
You Achieve 1. Get out of a mental rut,
think new thoughts, acquire new visions, discover new
ambitions. |
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Concerns
Carnegie seems to like Skinner's ideas. For example, he says,
I am afraid we have gone much too far in applying Skinner's ideas though. Also, it is a little Insulting and offensive to know you are being treated like an animal -- that someone else wants you to do something and is using the same method to try to get you to do want. I believe that everyone should be given the same information. Employees and children and teenagers should read the same things the managers and bosses are. I wonder what people think of B.F. Skinner now. See Ayn Rand's Harsh Critcism of Skinner --- Other concerns and notes In the text of the whole book.... he uses some old fashioned
terms (book was written in 1930's) |