Note from our May 6 chat

Brooke can't give very good explanations of things. Like when I say why don't you want to do so and so, she just says "I just don't". The problem with this is that when she has a relationship some day it will be hard for her partner to understand her. He will feel frustrated.

Brooke dice:
Steve I have a question... when I said I don't like hugs... and then you said that isn't a good sign... why do u think that isn't a good sign?
Steve dice:
well first off id say cuz when u hug someone u feel not alone
Steve dice:
u feel secure.
Steve dice:
its the most secure thing u can do
Steve dice:
even more than sex cuz pple can just use u for sex
Steve dice:
so im afraid one day ull realize u feel alone
Steve dice:
and ive felt that a lot and its so horrible
Steve dice:
i dont want u to feel it ever
Brooke dice:
ah i see
Steve dice:
like eventually sad things will happen in ur life and if u could cry and be held its a really nice secure feeling
Steve dice:
but u dont cry do u?
Brooke dice:
nope
Steve dice:
have u ever felt sad
Brooke dice:
sure
Steve dice:
like when
Brooke dice:
hmm... gym clothes stolen... parents divorce (well not really expected that), loss of friendship, stuff like that blah blah blah
Steve dice:
do u ever cry at movies
Brooke dice:
no
Steve dice:
hmm
Steve dice:
well what do u think about it
Brooke dice:
hmm
Brooke dice:
nothing...
Steve dice:
tell me again how come u were attracted to my site
Brooke dice:
well after a friendship got messed up because of what i did i knew something was wrong and i needed to fix it
Steve dice:
what did u do
Brooke dice:
well the cutting thing.. ugh
Steve dice:
did u tell me about that?
Brooke dice:
no i didn't really say much about that.. well barely said a word
Steve dice:
u mean uve cut?
Brooke dice:
yeah
Steve dice:
ah
Steve dice:
hug
Steve dice:
hows that?
Brooke dice:
**shudders**
Steve dice:
lol
Brooke dice:
lol
Steve dice:
sorry i sent it before i remembered
Brooke dice:
lol
Steve dice:
Brooke, u are feeling something painful inside if uve cut.
Steve dice:
thats a dead giveaway
Steve dice:
dont u think?
Brooke dice:
hmm
Brooke dice:
not really
Steve dice:
lol
Steve dice:
ok whats ur explanation then
Brooke dice:
hmm don't know
Brooke dice:
lol
Steve dice:
ok
Steve dice:
well thats okay. ive been told when pple are ready to handle stuff it just kind of surfaces
Steve dice:
id say its a good sign ur a bit interested in all of these things
Steve dice:
but id also add that at some point to be a full human and have emotional intimacy ull have to start feeling things!
Steve dice:
lol
Steve dice:
does that scare u
Brooke dice:
just a little
Brooke dice:
lol
Steve dice:
do u feel judged at all
Brooke dice:
not really
Steve dice:
ok
Steve dice:
well its ur turn to ask somethings
Brooke dice:
hmm
Brooke dice:
what to ask what to ask
Brooke dice:
when did u decide or start to like what you're doing
Steve dice:
well i got divorced in around 1995
Steve dice:
and at that time a counselor recommended i read a book
Steve dice:
and when i read that one i got interested in reading more
Steve dice:
and i read a lot over the next couple years
Steve dice:
thats when i made all those notes
Steve dice:
did u see this page
http://eqi.org/bookstoc
Brooke dice:
no
Steve dice:
ull learn more from it than in most of ur classes id say!
Brooke dice:
lol
Steve dice:
they are all my own personal notes
Steve dice:
so anyhow i decided to write my own book cuz i figured i could write one at least as good as ones id read
Steve dice:
and i wanted to summarize all the useful things id read
Steve dice:
and just about that time goleman came out with his book and i read it too
Steve dice:
and decided to write mine more about EQ
Brooke dice:
oo
Steve dice:
so then my friend made a website to promote my book. but i decided to use it to write more of my own ideas. and i just kept writing!
Brooke dice:
lol good idea
Steve dice:
i had no idea or dream my site would become number one on ei
Steve dice:
and no intention of that either!
Brooke dice:
lol well congratulations
Steve dice:
it still surprises me to be honest
Steve dice:
i think there must be some kind of a computer glitch
Brooke dice:
nope it's true
Steve dice:
but then i look at the other sites on ei and they are shit
Brooke dice:
doesn't suprise me a bit
Steve dice:
so that doesnt mean mine is good
Steve dice:
its just less shitty!
Steve dice:
ok im gonna go talk to olga now. ive been neglecting her okay?
Brooke dice:
okay
Brooke dice:
bye
Steve dice:
k
Steve dice:
bye

Hopeless?

Steve says: i have hope for u
Steve says: i like u
Brooke says: that's one person but for me to be able to change i have to have hope and i don't
Brooke says: like i said you work too hard
Steve says: do u want me to stop, get a job in a bank? lol
Brooke says: lol
Steve says: ok well anyhow, thanks for helping me with the alexi stuff.and i think one day ull have a chance to help jen or someone out a bit just by listening
Brooke says: maybe

a person who listens and takes part in what your talking about without intefering}

May 14 - Brooke starts sending hugs

When I first started talking to Brooke, she said she didn't like hugs. So I came up with "cb" for care bear. I sent her cb's and she sent them back to me. Then one day she and I and Sarah were talking and lo and behold, Brooke sent Sarah *hugs*. Then she was sending them to Jen later in the convo too. And she has sent me some as well since then. So I feel pretty encouraged by this. The most interesting thing to me is Brooke does know when to send them. She has the instinctive empathy of an emotionally intelligent person. She just hasn't been in an emotionally open or emotionally nurtuting or supportive environment. I still don't know much about her home life though. Getting info out of her is not easy as getting it out of someone like Jen, who just needs to feel safe and have someone get her started most of the time. Anyhow, here is the convo.

On this day Sarah's sign in name is "No one could ever understand my life is exhausted". She has some of the most depressingly, creative sign in names I've seen over the years! In this part of the convo we are talking about Sarah's boyfriend.

steve says:
how special do u feel with him, on my little scale?
sarah says:
1 - i usually feel like puking or starving myself or stabbing myself in the chest
sarah says:
he tells me i'm special.. i just dont feel like i am
steve says:
hug
sarah says:
thanks
Brooke says:
*hugs*
sarah says:
thanks

Now as far as I know, this is the first documented case of Brooke sending hugs to anyone. So, to me, its a major historical event! I had to say something to her about it, but I didn't want to in that window. So in our seperate window I wrote "Wow!" or something. And she said, "What?", even though she knew exactly what I was talking about. So I told her and she laughed. This is one of the little things I love about Brooke. When I think about it now I get that tingly feeling. There is something special about watching someone grow and develop or unfold. Like watching your child take his first steps I guess. Since I don't have kids of my own, these amazing people are a bit like family to me. In fact, I feel closer to them than I do to my own family members. In a way the teens I talk to, and who I have introduced to each other, are creating their own little international family. And that makes me feel really good to see. I feel good to see Sarah, who has been through so much, still caring enough to spend some time with people like Brooke and Jen. I'll never know how much of a difference I made in Sarah's life. No one could ever answer that question precisely. No one could even ever know for sure whether Sarah would even be alive if it weren't for all the hours I spent chatting with her when her own father would leave her alone with her little sister for the weekend and she would feel so lonely she chat with me till 3 or 4 in the morning.

There aren't a lot of people who understand why I care so much about teenagers like Brooke and Jen and Sarah so much. But that matters less and less to me. The teens know and that's enough.

Update on Brooke

Brooke and I lost touch for a while after our big religious debate last year but now we are talking again. She told me she has an eating disorder and the adults around her are pressuring her to talk and take medication but she doesn't want to. I respect and admire her for this. Anyhow, here is a bit of a chat from today.

Brooke Sept 29, 2006 brksep29_06.rtf