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Home | Critical Review of “F---
You, Mom!” How to Stop Your Child from Cursing in
Your Home Article is by by James Lehman who was obedient and jumped thru the hoops to get rewarded with the title of "MSW" Reviewed by S. Hein Here is the first example from the article:
I thought the author was going to say something like, "Stop this scene right there. As a parent, it is your job to understand your teenager. So when they say they hate f'ng school and the f'ing teacher, make it your job to understand why. Make it your goal that your teenager feels understood 10 out of 10 by you." But instead, this "professional," trained in the USA, supposedly a leader in education, libraries and information technology, and supposedly a model for the world to follow, interprets the words "I hate f'ing school" as an attempt to get you into a fight. This alone says a lot about the USA and its mental health problems. -- March 2019 Update I started this page a very long time ago. I don't even know when, but I found it again tonight when I was searching my eqi site for "Don’t take it personally". The reason I was searching that is because I wanted to see if I had it on my list of invalidating responses. I didn't so I am adding it. (But I did have "Stop taking everything so personally") I saw the expression in an article on Mad In America by Meghan Wildhood where she was describing how some other so called professional in the so called mental health field kept telling her not to take things personally. Another comment I have now is that the first thing the parents say in the example is “Why didn’t you do your homework?” Now is this a real question? Is the parent really trying to understand? As I wrote on this page, there seem to be 2 main reasons for asking someone a why question. One is to try to change them and/or their behavior and the other is to try to understand them. In the example here, it is pretty clear the parent wants to change behavior, not understand. Now let's think what the so called expert Lehman says. He says, "Your child is attempting to get you into a fight". Hmm. Wouldn't the child already feel attacked and defensive if the parent said, “Why didn’t you do your homework?” So who is actually starting the fight? S. Hein - Full article below |
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| More comments on Lehman This guy gives terrible advice. I have looked at some more of his articles on the web. He is obsessed with power, control. He doesn't put any value on emotional needs, emotional honesty, understanding, empathy. He suggests things like this to parents to say to a depressed teen: “We understand you’re down, but you still have to do your homework" Hmm. I wonder how understood the teen would feel from zero to ten. To me this guy is an embarrassment to Boston University who rewarded his good behavior with a Masters Degree in Social Work. And he is representative of so many so called experts who are making a lot of money giving bad advice.
Here is one of my favorite pages on EQI where I compare the advice of another "expert" to the wisdom of a 14 year old girl. - Quote is from here |
|
| Don’t pick up that bar of
soap yet! James Lehman, MSW has great advice for parents
on what to do when their child has a foul mouth, from
generalized cursing to verbal abuse. You: “Why didn’t you do your homework?” Your child: “I hate f------ school. I hate my f------ teacher.” You: “Don’t talk to me like that!” Your child: “Why not? You swear, too.” Stop this scene right here. Your child is attempting to get you into a fight. When your child curses, above all, do not get into a power struggle over it with them. Parents should ignore the invitation to argue at this point and say, “We’re not talking about anything else. Why didn’t you do your homework? That’s my question. And you’re not going to use your cell phone until your homework is done.” Then turn around and walk away. Don’t debate it, don’t get into arguments. If your child says “I don't care,” you can say, “OK. If you don’t care, that’s all right. But you’re not using your cell until you get your homework done.” Don’t keep it going. Later, when your child calms down, give them a consequence for swearing. Each family should have a routine way of differentiating swearing from verbal abuse, and a different system for dealing with each behavior. Let me be clear: If your child curses at you, what you need to understand is that they’re trying to hurt you, throw you off balance, or suck you into a fight. I believe that families should have clear rules about cursing. There shouldn’t be any discussion about it when it happens. And in my mind, there’s a difference between kids cursing in general or cursing at you or another family member, and calling you rude names. But either way, families need to establish rules around it. Often kids curse because they’re frustrated or angry about being asked to do something that’s hard for them or that they find boring, or maybe they’d rather be playing video games or hanging out with their friends. Understand that this is a way of solving the problem of being frustrated, but in a very immature way. In these instances, when things calm down, kids need to be taught that cursing doesn’t solve their problems—it adds to it. Because not only do they have their original problem, now they’ve got an extra consequence on top of that, whether they lose some of their allowance or they forfeit some video game time. There’s No Excuse for Verbal Abuse Parents need to establish a zero tolerance policy for verbal abuse in the home. Verbal abuse is differentiated from cursing because it is an attack on a person. Cursing is using an expletive when describing a situation or their own frustration. So in the opening example, that’s cursing: “I hate my f------ teacher.” If the child had said, “F--- you, Mom, it’s none of your business,” that’s verbal abuse. And there’s no excuse for abuse of any kind. When kids curse at their parents and siblings and call them names using sexualized terms, when this kind of attacking name-calling happens, this is verbal abuse, not just swearing. It is damaging, not just obnoxious. It has to be dealt with in the same way you’d deal with any kind of abusive behavior. When a child says, “You whore,” or “You faggot,” that’s damaging to your other children, and you’re responsible for protecting them from that kind of attack. Make no bones about it: this behavior needs to be dealt with very strongly. If your child is grounded for 24 hours as part of the consequence and he happens to be involved in sports, make him miss practice for a day as part of the consequence of his actions. Don’t let anybody manipulate you by saying they “need to be there.” The most important thing here is that kids understand that there’s no excuse for abuse. I promise you as a parent, missing one day of practice is not the end of the world. What’s more important is not letting your child call you or his siblings those foul, foul names. If your child is not involved in sports, then have him lose his electronics for a few days. The best way to handle that is by saying, “You can’t have your phone back until you don’t call your sister those names for 24 hours.” If your child calls his sister a foul name again six hours later, it becomes 48 hours without the phone. And he has to go to his room and write a letter of apology. By the way, when I say letter, I mean a brief paragraph. And what the letter has to say is, “This is what I’ll do differently the next time I want to call you a name.” It should include an apology, but also, more importantly, he should make a commitment not to do it again. For Younger Children I believe it’s helpful if you don’t curse in front of your children if you expect your children not to curse in front of you. One thing we see very early on is that kids mimic parents by saying words they don’t understand. In that case, the best thing a parent can do with their younger children is calmly and pleasantly correct them, and try to teach them that what they’ve said is a bad word. The way I say it is, “It’s a bad word because people don’t like that word.” If your child says, “but you use that word,” you can say, “You tell me ‘no’ when I say it. Tell Mommy, too. Remind me that it’s a bad word.” And when they remind you, say you’re sorry and use a different word. Establish a “No Swearing” Rule—and Make Everyone Pay the Consequences For children who are older, an effective thing you can do as a family to curtail swearing is to establish a “Cursing Jar”. If anyone in your family curses, they have to put a quarter into the jar. If money isn’t readily available, a checkmark can go next to your child’s name, and every check might equal 10 minutes of an extra task or chore. Doing their regular chores shouldn’t be a consequence; you should give your child extra things to do. Look at it this way: if you make your child do the dishes because he cursed, and then you ask him to do them again on Thursday night, he’s going to ask, “Why? I didn’t do anything wrong.” He’ll feel like he’s being punished when all you want is for him to do his normal chores around the house. So it’s an extra chore you want to add on. I think the sooner you give them the consequence after they’ve cursed the better. It’s also very effective to have an age-appropriate schedule and structure at night that lists how much time your kids can spend on video games, the computer, and watching TV. Say for example your child has an hour free time to play video games, but the way he gets that hour is by doing his homework first. If he curses, that extra chore you give him is done during that hour, and he loses part or all of his free time. That system should be in place, so later on when your child calms down and wants to deal with the issue because she wants her cell phone back, you can say, “You know the consequences for cursing and name-calling.” And they should get a different checkmark or extra chore for every time they curse. What about Kids Who Swear at You under Their Breath? Some kids swear passive aggressively, under their breath. But let’s face it, even if it’s under their breath, it’s the same thing, and you should give your child consequences for it. They may say, “I didn’t say anything. That’s not fair!” You can come back with, “I’m sorry, but that’s what I heard you say. In the future, speak more loudly, or there will be consequences.” In other words, don’t let muttering curse words under his breath become a way for him to manipulate so that he doesn’t have to develop self-control. Swearing is an issue at some time in all families. It’s one of the ways that frustration and anger are verbalized in our culture. Nonetheless, parents have to work very diligently on watching their language and being role models for their children, as well as holding their children accountable. Disrespect for authority is a major problem affecting children and adults today. It’s important to realize that children who know how to act respectfully and speak respectfully are better equipped to deal with the adult world than those who prefer to sound like thugs. |
Kids Who are Verbally Abusive, Part 1: The Creation of a Defiant
Child
ODD Kids and Behavior: 5 Things You Need to Know as a Parent
When Kids Get Ugly: How to Stop Threats and Verbal Abuse (Part 2)
James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who
worked with struggling teens and children for three decades. He
created the Total Transformation Program to help people parent
more effectively. James' foremost goal was to help kids and to
"empower parents."
READER'S COMMENTS
I have cursed at and around my family for years. Now, of course,
my teen age children are cursing their mother and each other, and
me behind my back. I stopped all my cursing 6 weeks ago, and am
trying to never curse or swear around anybody again. I feel like
a hypocrite consequencing any of my kids for cursing. Anyone have
any suggestions that have worked for them?
Comment By : craig
i have never cursed at my four children ! but i have cursed
around them and now my 8 year old daughter is having problems at
school and we have noticed that when she gets in her outrage she
is letting some words fly out her mouth that i did not even say
or dont even know where she learned them from. can anyone out
there give some advice on how to break the language my child
uses! thank you concerned mom shannon
Comment By : shanangel_2004
Craig, I applaud your recent turnaround in the language you use,
it has been my experience that it will serve you well. In my
house and in the raising of my girls, ages 22 & 8, the rule
has been (since my oldest was 3yrs old): "If you hear Mommy
say it, then you can say it". That one little rule has kept
me accountable for almost 20 years. It has also proved to be
beneficial for my girls, as well. I've also applied this same
rule to bad habits such as gossip and criticism: If you hear
someone saying hurtful things about another person, put a halt to
it: "I didn't hear her say it, I don't believe it and you
should stop saying those things". These rules may not always
be effective, however, in my little house it has been. Good luck
in your new endeavor to stop swearing, it is an admirable goal
and your children will notice the difference and likely alter
their language as well. It's very true that children mimick our
actions regardless of what the rules may be. Finally, you are not
a hypocrite if you are being a mindful example, with your halted
use of curse words; your children will take note and hopefully
change their language as well (at least in your presence).
Comment By : mfitts1229
My son is very verbally abusive to me. Just yesterday he told me
to "f" off about 10 times when I would not let him take
my phone charger out ot the house(he misplaced his and refused to
look for it). He is 16, bigger than me, and refuses to abide by
ANY consequences. I use his cell phone as a consequence for doing
his school work and not being truant. As the parent support line
stated, I can not attach too many things to the cell phone. I
usually walk away and tell him he has to leave the house until he
can control his anger. I would like to know what you suggest for
parents who have older children who refuse to abide by
consequences and have very little that they value. There is
absolutely no way my son would write a letter of apology! When
told that he is grounded he tells me "whatever" and
leaves. The article is good in theory but I really do not feel
that it can be applied to most defiant children over the age of
14.
Comment By : deb
Craig, I have been told that as long as a person is "walking
in repentance" - as it seems you are - turning from your own
swearing and trying to not swear yourself - you have every right
to correct others who are doing wrong. Also, as a dad, you have
every right to correct your kids on any and every issue,
regardless of your own behavior - but it is proven that a
person's "walk talks more than their talk talks", so
there will be more power and effectiveness if you live what you
teach. You're doing great. Excellent job giving up all your own
swearing!! Don't feel like a hypocrite. You aren't one! :)
Comment By : sandy
My problem with my step children moved in . mystep son 14 try
taking thing away and it does nothing because his comments is i
have been icealated before no big deal. i put rules down and
neither his mother or father back me up. i have a problem with
him hitting the other kids ,running his mouth , talking back
Comment By : Dawn
deb, you have more power than you think. when pushed, i ended up
taking everything my son had in his room, except 2 outfits of
clothing, and locking it up and he had to earn everything back
with good behavior. i have never seen that type of behavior (f-u
walking out the door) from him again. i'm not suggesting that as
a next step, i just want to illustrate to you there are more
options than you are seeing.
Comment By : understanding
My issue with my son(age 5) falls more into the category of
verbal abuse. He is constantly saying "you're stupid"
to his 7 year old brother and to me. He does it when he's angry,
but also in a taunting way just to get a reaction. My question
is, how should this be handled? I am hesitant to react strongly
when it is so clear that a strong reaction is exactly what he
wants.
Comment By : kathy
My 7 year old hates me. He constantly verbally abuses me all the
time. It's getting to me really bad. It's really bad when he
comes back from his dad. He definetly is succeeding at hurting me
and I just don't know what to do. I am very angry about it. Any
suggesstions. I have 2 adhd boys 7 & 8 and a 3 year old
daughter and it's very hard. I always feel as if I'm leaving my 3
year old out because I'm always dealing with something that my
boys have decided to do or not do.
Comment By : single mom of 3
My children are both well behaved because I have employed the
principles of empowering parents since they were very young. I
lead by example and stick to their consequences for misbehaving.
If my son (who is in junior high) were to storm out of the house
after I grounded him. I would have a police officer waiting at
the house to talk to him when he returned home. My children do
well in school because I have worked tirelessly to turn my family
around after leaving their alcoholic father. I check in
constantly at school and always reward them for their good grades
and behavior, not with candy or things but with my words and
attention. Neurofeedback has worked wonders on my son who was
diagnosed with ADD. Our home life is happy and stable now.
Comment By : mary
single mother of 3: i feel your pain. i have 4 year old and 9
year old. it seems that things go well for a while then its hell
again. i've been trying the early bedtime for consequences...5
minutes for each mess up. they went to be last night at 7:30 and
didn't get to sleep until 8:00. so that didn't go as planned but
i told them for every minute past the bedtime they were up was
one minute earlier for the next night. so tonight their bedtime
is 7:00. Not looking forward to it, but i need them to know i am
serious and nothing else has worked so far. they went from
playing playstation every night to not at all during the week.
now its the name calling each other stupid, my four year old is
hitting the 9 year old....what a mess!
Comment By : stillhelms
Don't take it personally, single mom of three! Your 7 year old
doesn't hate you! Chances are he's angry and he's taking it out
on you. You need to remember, he's 7 and he lacks both the
language and the problem solving skills to express his anger
appropriately. If you continue to take his behavior personally,
you'll not only lose the battle, but also the war. Separate the
child from the behavior, establish a zero tolerance policy for
abuse (abuse of all kinds) for everyone in the household and
stand your ground. At first, it will feel like standing your
ground is the most difficult thing you've ever done. Be tough,
hang in there. You'll be amazed, in a very short period of time,
things will start to change for the better.
Comment By : lived to tell the tale
Deb, I am having a similiar problem with my 17 year old son. His
mouth is so fowl it would make a sailor blush. He is a great
student, has a job, but not pleasent to be around, he worships
his dad but openly says he hates me, dosn't even want to say
hello and if I ask him to do something it is nagging. FU is very
hurtful and it just makes me cry. I don't understand. I have
recently taken away driving priveleges and his video games for a
month. If he swears again at me it will be two. I feel terrible
like I have lost my son.
Comment By : CeeMarie
In addition to our giving our 17 year old son consequences for
his actions, I wonder if it would for him to read this article?
Would it help him see the big picture and understand how he would
be better off controling his behavior.
Comment By : The Andys
I have a 16 year that is rude, verbal abusive, smokes, just not a
person you really want to talk to or hang with. Up to 2 years ago
we were close, but now he is someone else, he pushes me to the
point of tears and always tries to hurt me. I do not know where
else to turn or how to handle the issues. I can honestly say that
I do not like my child and that kills me.
Comment By : Dee
Lived to tell the tale.. any ideas on how not to take it
personally? That seems to be what I struggle with. We go to
counseling once a week. My counselor for my kids is great. My 7
year old has only been doing it for a month my older one alot
longer. It's been 3 years since I left my ex for verbal/physical
abuse and it took a long time to know it wasn't my fault. But it
is so hard to be treated the way my kids act. Yes somedays are
great but the bad days are bad.
Comment By : single mother of 3
I have a son who is 17 years old. In his earlier years I cursed
and now I am practicing not to curse at all. There are days that
I myself find it hard to control my words because he is so
annoying at times, he goes to school and he has a preety good
day. Then there are days that he gets frustated with his work and
storms out the door. on top of that he balls his classwork or
test sheet up and storms for the door calling his teacher a
bitch. what can I do to stop this behavior out of my son before
someone hurts him.
Comment By : deseperate mom
My son just turn 18 and he truly believes that he can do what
ever he feels to do even curse any time he wants, I have talk to
him and giving him consequences but he just don't get it. today
was one of those days, he got upset because I took his phone and
Ipod for coming home too late last night. he cursed and screamed.
he left the house at 1:30pm and is 11:15pm now and still not
back, I feel I'm loosing the battle. now I don't know what to do.
any advise?
Comment By : Pily
We started a new consequence at our house that seems to be
working well. If we catch you swearing, you have to right 10
vocabulary words of 3 syllables or more for each time you're
caught, parents included (lead by example) I've had to write them
a couple of times and now I watch what I say, and the kids seem
to be tapering off as well. I heard about this consequence from a
neighbor whose mother always told them "if those are the
only words you can come up with, then you need to expand your
vocabulary". We still have at least one person slip every
week or so, but at least if they continue, their vocabulary
should improve quite a bit.
Comment By : printref
My 17 yr old son curses in his music that he makes. Otherwise
it's only with friends out of my hearing. He is being treated for
ADHD and depression and recently changed from private church
school to public charter high school dual credit college program.
He is passing his grades and getting college credit as a junior.
My husband says if he makes another song w/ cussing he will lock
up his musical equipment (his passion) and he won't return it
until my son leaves the house. My son's response was compliant
but asked how much an apt. cost. My feeling is he may bolt.
What's more important 10 years from now? His cussing or getting
an AA degree while under our roof. Please give advice
Comment By : pacific
I can really relate to a few of these posts. Up until about 2
years ago, my oldest on and I were very, very close. He
participated in sport, did well in school and was basically just
a wonderful kid. His dad had very little to do with his
upbringing until that point. Then for whatever reason, they
became the best of buds. This basically means he has no rules and
no consequences and dad gets him whatever he wants. What does
that make me? A F***ing B***h, and worse. Dad just stands there
and listens and/or watches the attacks. I have lost him and
cannot believe how sad that is. He quit all of his productive
activities, gets horrible grades, hardly ever comes home (he is
only 16), but had the best Ipod, state of the art computer and
all the freedom he wants. It is worse being with a co-parent who
encourages or allows this behavior than being on your own. I will
never stop being verbally abused and he will not have a
productive life as long as his dad allows and encourages it.
Comment By : Lost
Single Mom of 3 - I was raised in an environment where every time
there was an upset, it was taken personally by one or both of my
parents. Further, the upset was always reacted to, rather than
responded to. Naturally, I brought this same approach to my
parenting - with the expected disastrous results. Four years ago,
I was in exactly the same place that you are in today. I dreaded
hearing the sound of the school bus in the afternoon. The most
valuable tool that I found, or rather, that I was given to combat
taking things personally, was the understanding of what an
"upset" really is. First, I had to train my mind to
recognize that when I am upset, it has everything to do with me,
and nothing to do with what I perceive to have caused it. Second,
distinguishing the true nature of an upset gave me the ability to
take responsibility for my upset. I learned that an upset is
nothing more than an unexpressed communication (something I
wanted/needed to say and didn't), an unmet expectation (something
I thought should have happened, and it didn't happen) or a
thwarted intention (something I tried to do, and was prevented
somehow from doing). Empowered by the realization of my
responsibility for and the true nature of the upset,
disempowering my monster’s (opps, I mean children’s)
vicious attacks became easy. Don’t get me wrong, I still
feel hurt when Little Mr. Anthony (now 10) tells me “I hate
you, I’m going to live with my dad!” Now, however, when
I feel hurt or wounded, I catch it quick, there’s no chance
for an upset to ensue. I’m quick to see that I am in charge
of my emotions, that his telling me that he hates me is nothing
than an unmet expectation. It’s my unmet expectation that I,
the perfect parent, would raise the perfect child and he’d
never say something hateful or hurtful to me. My definition of
the perfect parent/perfect child is what has actually caused my
upset, not my precious Anthony. Now, I’m able to separate
Anthony, from his behavior and not take what he’s said/done
personally. Now I am able to respond, rather than react, using
tools/tips from The Total Transformation, having a profound and
positive impact on the situation. It’s not always easy, but
each time you’re able to manage yourself, you’ll better
manage the situation you’re confronted with and you’ll
start seeing the results that you are desperately craving. Hope
this helps!
Comment By : lived to tell the tale
Lost..I totally hear what you are saying, my husband has been
less than passive in the parenting of our 17 year old daughter. I
do have a great kid but her mouth is horrible. Last weekend she
told me to piss of bitch..when I lost it with her and ask her
father to intervine he said..well she gets it from you..I told
him we were not talking about me..we were talking about my
daughters abuse toward me..and I proceeded to tell him he needed
to MAN UP..and if he did not understand the fact that it was
wrong for a daughter to cuss her mother he had MAN
PROBLEMS>>Ive wanted to tell him things like that for
years..its basically a little late for us and our daughter but
the advice I can give you is to take your MAN for little
education in respect. Kids are going to express themselves but
abuse is wrong wrong wrong..
Comment By : Hairgal
Thank you Hairgal! It's nice to know I'm not completely alone.
Funny but I've asked his dad to "man up" more than
once. He just bends over and allows the 16 year old in the house
to run everything. When I've asked him to intervine, his response
is that "I shouldn't provoke him". I actually feel it
is a form of child abuse to let you children to whatever they
want "helter skelter". Although he does SAY that he is
going to do things and tells my son that he is, but he rarely if
ever follows through. Again, worse than never saying anything in
the first place. Man, I am tired! Good luck in your home.
Comment By : Lost
My son is 17. He says he can swear if and when he wants to cause
it is just a word. Funny thing is that I felt the same way at his
age - difference is never would I have sworn around my parents -
first off they would have lost it and secondly - I had too much
respect for them to do it. He is verbally abusive and out of
control in his relationship to me. I am a single parent and his
father has been out of the picture for a while and when he is it
is actually worse. There are some huge issues between us and this
is the area I have chosen to start with because I will no longer
allow the abuse. So, I have taken the hard step and told him he
cannot live here if he swears in my home. Sounds a bit extreme
but when the swearing starts it all begins to excalate and before
it ends there is furniture throwm around and holes in walls. Very
extreme. I am doing my best to handle it and I ordered the
program last week - not seen it yet and cannot wait to get some
additional assistance. Maybe someone out there can give me a few
monre hints. . . . .
Comment By : Col
Single mom of 3, Your 1st post mentioned that your son is
particularly challenging when he comes back from his dad's. That
has been my scenario for 14 years with a now 16 year old
daughter. In fact, her stepmother was overheard telling her
father after she swore that her father was not suppose to be hard
on her because she was raised by me to be that way. My daughter
hears these things in different ways all the time. I ahve heard
them as well. I expect conflict esp. between a mother and teen
daughter but this alienation is a nightmare. When she is mad at
me, she calls him and her crying and he calls me back to threaten
me with court and says it is time she lives full time with them.
This makes my job 100 times harder. It happens much too often.
The kids should not be in the middle. The battle is a hard one.
Comment By : Cindy in PA
My 13 year old grandchild lives with me. She is quite abusive,
verbally. My boyfriend enables her by giving her whatever she
wants whenever she wants and she blows up, swears at me alot and
intimidates me. She is a very angry person and throws her weight
wround because she can and because he backs her up and not me. I
feel like a helpless victim in my own home and the stress of this
all is taking a serious toll on my health. HELP!!!! What can be
done about children with anger and rage problems?
Comment By : burnedoutgrandparent
I am reading all of the comments about older children because my
13 year old is heading down that same path. I also haven't seen
anyone reply with advice for older kids? This worries me about my
future with my son.
Comment By : trying to wait it out and parent wisely
a lot of questions posed here... are there going to be any
answers from staff or just from other parents?
Comment By : tsong
Dear Tsong: Thank you for your question. While we unfortunately
cannot answer every question that comes in to Empowering Parents,
our staff does jump in and address concerns from time to time. We
encourage parents to discuss their experiences and offer advice
to each other as well.
Comment By : Elisabeth, EP Editor
* Dear Col: I think you have chosen a good place to start. As you
said, you recognize that when swearing begins, your son’s
behavior escalates. James Lehman would absolutely agree with you
that there is no excuse for abuse. This includes verbal abuse or
being physically threatening by throwing furniture around. Your
son argues with you that he can say whatever he wants to. That is
true, but it does not mean that what he chooses to say does not
have an impact. He can swear in school, or to a traffic cop, or
to you, but will experience a consequence for that behavior.
It’s always important to make a statement to him when he is
abusive. It is stating a limit on the behavior you will tolerate
-- even if you actually cannot stop him for choosing to do it. To
say nothing can give the impression that it is okay to speak to
you that way -- that you deserve it somehow. Make a clear
statement when he swears at you, such as, “It’s not
okay to speak to me that way.” Keep in touch with us and let
us know what's happening as you start to use the program
techniques.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Great to remember NOT to get sucked into arguments! Act don't
Yak!
Comment By : Anonymous
My children used to say "I hate you" to me and in the
beginning I allowed that to make me feel upset. I learned from
someone to not let it get to me and I thought 'well that's great
but how?' What I did was to start telling them "you can hate
me all you want but you MUST get to the back of the line as I am
plenty sure that there are way more people ahead of you that hate
me too." This diffused the situation to the point of
laughter from the kid who said it and usually elicited a comment
such as "Who could hate you more than me right now?". I
think back and said most likely I don't know... maybe Gramma for
not letting you spend the night last week when you threw that
tantrum, or maybe your teacher because I wouldn't let you go on
that field trip with the school because you chose to not do your
homework for a week. It all depends on whom I have angered this
week because I refuse to let you do something for your xx
behavior. My children are now 12 and 14 (both having Aspergers
syndrome) but I don't hear I hate you so much anymore because
when they get angry they know what I am going to say. It never
varies and I don't let it get to me because I know it just means
I have done something right.
Comment By : frazzled mom of 5
My 15 year old behaves in many of the same ways that I am seeing
posted here. He is verbally abusive and swears worse than a
sailor. I have tried various consequences but nothig phases the
kid. He has even taken it a step further and when the swearing
isnt enough he shoves. We recently got into an argument. I told
him in the past that if he ever got physical again he would pay
the consequence with a judge. When he shoved I called the police
and pressed charges. Once he was calm enough I just explained
that we all have choices. He has is agency and I cant make
choices for him. I told him he can make good choices to stay in
school and not do drugs so he can go to college and make tons of
money doing something he loves. Or he can make poor choices and
break the law, drop out, do drugs and so on. I told him no one
can face the consequences but him. I explained that i love him
very much and it makes me sad when he makes the wrong choices.
But I told him that his poor choices do not hurt me they hurt
him. I told him when he is ready to make good choices I am here
to support him in that. It probably doesnt sink in. At least that
is how it feels. I guess we will see.
Comment By : aprilshrs
I am the mother of a (stepmother) daughter who receives no
support from her husband against (ongoing for years) nasty verbal
abuse from 16 yr old stepson (FU, worthless, get a divorce,etc.).
It happens with every visit; it is getting worse with time.
Happens in front of his father; he makes no attempt to stop it or
apply discipline. My daughter is bipolar I...she will end up
flying into a rage which of course is totally wrong & just
feeds into the power this kid knows he has over her. In her own
house, she if forced to retreat to her bedroom & stay there
till he is gone...even if that means an overnight stay. I spend
hours on the phone with her nearly every day so she can vent to
someone. PLEASE, do you have any suggestions. I am desperate!
Comment By : Desperate!
Our 6foot 15 year old took my whole series of Total
Transformation and scratched each disc. He was also recently
asked to leave our home from my husband due to his swearing,
calling me a b++++, and for once again refusing to come and
participate with our family. Said "he has plans for the
day". We feel powerless. He is also on probation again for
bringing vodka to school in a water bottle and underage
consumption. We just do not know what to do. I did call his
probation officer, they said he needs to come in for a u/a test
in a few days and that they would talk to him about his recent
vandalism, and behavior. Tell me what works??????
Comment By : C.C.
* Dear C.C.: We appreciate your question and do have some
suggestions that will work for you. One thing you might be
careful of is giving consequences when you’re angry. For
example, even though kids can be really hard to deal with,
it’s not reasonable to ask them to leave your home because
of swearing or refusing to come somewhere with the family. When
you’re not in emotional control, you do feel powerless. You
can always decide on a consequence later after everyone has
calmed down and you have a problem solving discussion with your
child [Lesson 6]. It’s good that you call the probation
officer when your son is not following the limits set by the
court system. It’s important to do that each time he breaks
those rules so that he learns there is a consequence for his
choices. Read James Lehman’s article, How to Give
Consequences that Work
(http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Give-Kids-Consequences-That-Work.php)
for more details on the techniques from the Total Transformation
Program. And call us here on the Support Line. We’re here to
help.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
* Dear ‘Desperate!’:It is very hard to tolerate it when
someone is swearing at us. When it happens we should speak up for
ourselves and say, “It’s not okay to speak to me that
way. I don’t like it.” Use a very calm voice and stay
in emotional control when making this remark. It may not stop the
swearing, but it’s still important to tell the child his
behavior is inappropriate. You might encourage your daughter to
let her physician know when she is struggling with managing her
moods. We hope some of these suggestions will be helpful. We wish
your family the best.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Good advice about not engaging in a power struggle. As a teenager
myself I think there are a few different ways anyone can approach
the problem of a cursing teenager, but the parent must always
have a firm hand. While it's important to remember that
respecting the teenager and following the rules set for himself
yourself, staying calm and above all ENFORCING discipline is
number one, although it's also important to try to not be overly
controlling and understand your teenager. I write for a parenting
website from the kid's perspective, radicalparenting.com. We
actually have an article on the same idea that might give more
perspective to the issue at
http://www.parentingteensonline.com/issue/article/name
/April_2008/title/How_to_Help_Teens_Stop_Swearing. Check it out
if you want, and thanks for the article.
Comment By : Jenny
What about teen who swear occasionally, but not in a personal
way? I don't see a lot of harm in it. My kids are for the most
part, well behaved. But if he's playing a game and something
happens and an occasional 'damn it!' slips out, I'm not going to
get upset or punish for that, since I do the same thing on
occasion. Is it ok to overlook that kind of swearing if it's
totally unpersonal?
Comment By : Paks
* Dear ‘Paks’:James Lehman would encourage you to
establish your own house rules, based on your own traditions and
beliefs. What fits some families does not fit others. If you
don’t see a lot of harm in your son’s use of the words
‘damn it’, then let that be okay in your home. If he
gets a little too wound up, loud and angry, ask him to take a
break from the game for awhile. We appreciate the opportunity to
answer your question and wish your family the best.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Regarding older teens who will no longer comply, I as the father
am still large enough to restrain them, if they try to leave
during grounding. However, since I prefer to leave the physical
out of it, we have the local police who will cooperate and return
them to our home and talk to them about parental rights. Don't
know if that helps in your case. For example, the cop at the high
school made our daughter leave and come with us, when she
wouldn't leave a party there at our request. Another time, she
walked out of the house at night and the cop came and talked to
her. God bless.
Comment By : Dave
I guess I am not alone! Feeling very hurt and upset with my 16 yr
old son. He is a great kid. He came home today, said he was
tired(in sports!) I asked him to take the garbage and recycle
out. I helped him by bringing the rest of the recycle to him;
(did not liked that there was more) I saw that some items were
out of the box and asked him to pick them up. That's when the
swearing started. F...U..Mom! You are crazy, etc.etc.etc. What
did I do? I yelled back that if he is asked to do something he
should do it right. I feel like totally disengaging from him..
What to do? Not first encounter either:(
Comment By : cguis
* Cguis: It is very hurtful when kids are verbally abusive. James
Lehman felt that kids act out due to a lack of problem solving
skills. In other words, they don’t know an effective way to
manage their emotions or other problems. When your son is being
verbally abusive toward you, remind yourself that it’s not
personal- it’s about him, not about you or your
relationship. If you yell back at your son, it only reinforces
his behavior. We do recommend disengaging temporarily, only until
things calm down. Tell him you don’t like it when he curses
at you and walk away. When things are calm again, reengage and
ask him, “What was your reason for swearing at me and
calling me names?” Let him know that whatever his reason is,
it doesn’t justify his abuse- there’s no excuse for it.
Reiterate your rules and expectations and ask him what he will do
differently next time rather than being abusive. Make suggestions
for him if needed but have him choose. Let him know that next
time he starts to get upset you will remind him of this plan and
walk away, and if he doesn’t try it, there will be a
consequence. It’s not important or even helpful to tell him
the consequence in the moment. Instead, walk away, talk later
about what he will do differently next time, and then put one of
his privileges on hold until he goes two hours without being
verbally abusive. This is a great way to hold him accountable for
practicing the new skills you are trying to teach him. We wish
you luck as you continue to work through this.
Comment By : Sara A. Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
My son always swearing to his younger brother and swearing
whenever he is in a bad mood and frustrated. I have taken away
his free time and the consquence, it still does not help. I
really do not know what to do with him.
Comment By : frustrated mom
* To ‘frustrated mom’: It sounds like you are feeling
at a loss here. You certainly have one piece of the puzzle in
place: accountability. You are holding him accountable by
removing some privileges. I want to give you a piece to add and
talk about tweaking your consequence to make it even better.
First, talk to your son and ask him what his reason is for
swearing (not why he swears). You already have a good idea that
he does it when he’s upset, but let him tell you how he sees
it. Then tell him just because he is upset, that doesn’t
make it okay to swear. Talk about what he can do differently to
calm and come up with a simple plan, such as going to his room to
listen to some music. Next time he starts to get upset, remind
him to do the plan. If he doesn’t, go ahead and restrict one
privilege such as the computer. Once he goes an hour without
cursing, he will get it back. By modifying your consequence this
way you are motivating him to practice the behavior you want to
see instead of cursing. This is a repetitive process so stick
with it for a while. I’m sure you will start to see some
changes soon. Take care.
Comment By : Sara A. Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
my 18 year old is often verbally abusive to his brother, me and
also to his step dad, My ex husband was very verbally and
physically abusive and I am reliving my marriage. He is verbally
aggressive when his girlfriend is upset over something. Yesterday
my youngest son ate a piece pf pizza that we left over the fridge
and as he always puts food int he fridge and doesnt eat it my
husband said it was OK. He was verablly abusive to my youngest
son, and when my husband toook responsiibiliy for letting him eat
the pizza, he was very verbally abusive to him.MY husband asked
him to not be disrespectful in our house and curse and when he
wouldn't stop my husband nicely asked him to get out of the house
until he had calmed down. He refused and shouted at him and at my
youngest son....my husband got a hold of his tee shirt and
attempted to steer him out of our housse. He is now saying my
husband is physically abusive....he would not calm down or leave
and his girlfriend was also disrespectful. My son was not like
this until he met this girl.....he is going off the college in 8
weeks, but has told us that he is moving out because his step dad
is abusive. I have tried to reason with him that shouting and
verbal abuse is not OK in our home, neither is physically holding
someone to put them outside,.. however we do not have shouting or
physical fights without my son or his girlfriend at our
house......my children had a very quiet good upbringing with my
husband and myself......we did have difficulties with consistency
when they were younger but were consistent at our home.....my ex
husband would always undermine our rules and demean us to the
children at his home..so my two eldest children had a dual set of
rules. All I have ever wanted is a happy family life and this has
been so hard and I am devestated.......
Comment By : lizm
my son is very verbally abusive to me the more i treat him better
the worse he is i am at the end of my rope. he does this around
my friends co-worker he just does not care. i am tired of crying.
i know put him out how can i it is easier said than done please
help
Comment By : hopeless mother
* To ‘hopeless mother’: It sounds like your son’s
behavior toward you is very hurtful. James Lehman felt that kids
act out because they don’t have good problem solving skills.
In this case, it’s possible that your son is using verbal
abuse to solve a problem—maybe he’s angry or maybe
being abusive to you makes him feel powerful. The first thing you
should try is telling him to don’t like it when he talks to
you that way and walking away. If your friends or coworkers are
around, ask them to take a walk with you or move to another area.
Unfortunately you can’t control what words come out of your
son’s mouth, but you can control your response. By staying
calm and walking away from him, you are showing him that you are
in control. Do your best in your time alone to take care of
yourself emotionally—go for a walk, call a friend for
support, try a new hobby, or write in a journal. Often what feels
like a personal attack is really a kid struggling and trying to
help himself feel better about something. I am including some
articles with more information that I think will be helpful to
your situation. We wish you luck as you continue to work through
this.
“You’re making me crazy!” When You’re at the
End of Your Parenting Rope
Are You Embarrassed by Your Child's Behavior? 5 Ways to Cope
Comment By : Sara Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
I think I'm losing the battle. I hate schools. They pitted us
against each other from the start and now they have won ... I did
my best.
Comment By : deflated
I have been raising my 2 nieces and 2 nephews for almost 7 years.
I am a pastor and I do my best to be a good role model. I do not
curse and never did. But these kids have cursed, stolen, lied
even when caught red-handed during wrong. Today the 8 year old
girl wrote a letter of profanity that the principal has called
about. I do spank with my hand and I do believe this is order for
this. What else can I do? Dismayed!!!
Comment By : Motherof 8
* To ‘Motherof 8’: It sounds like this was a very
upsetting experience for you. James Lehman felt that kids act out
like this because they lack effective problem solving skills.
It’s clear that you have strong, clear morals and values and
I’m guessing your niece saw this behavior modeled somewhere
else—on TV or from an older child at her school perhaps. We
feel that when giving consequences for behavior, the emphasis
should be on having a discussion to help a child develop the
skills they need to avoid the problem behavior going forward. We
do not recommend spanking because when it’s over, the child
still does not know what to do differently in the future so she
does not get in trouble for this again. We can tell her not to do
something, but we have to tell her and show her how to not do it.
You’ll want to calmly ask her what her reason was for
writing that or what she was thinking about immediately before
she wrote it. Then talk about what she can do instead next time
the issue comes up again. It sounds like she has had enough
consequences for now so there is no need to do anything else
after you talk. I am including a couple articles that talk more
about the skills you’ll need to help your niece learn better
ways to solve problems.
Why Consequences Aren't Enough, Part 1
Why Consequences Aren't Enough, Part 2
Comment By : Sara Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
I have a 16 year old teen who is currently a runaway. It is
difficult and complex because there are mental health and drug
issues, although a therapist I'm seeing believes tha tmost o fher
bad behaviour (including being verbally abusive to me) is due to
drugs. I'm in the midst of getting help from police and social
service agencies to ensure her safety etc. and try to figure out
what to do. Meantime, she has been contacting me by text message
and is planning on calling again today, from an undisclosed
location, to ask for money and some other things of hers. W hen
I've questioned where she's staying recently, or told her I'm
concerned about drug use, she gets profane and abusive, shouting
and swearing. So how do I handle that? She isnt' abusive right at
the start, only becomes that way if I quesiton her motives or
don't agree to comply with her demands. What would you do?
Comment By : Bridget
* Hi Bridget. The most effective thing for you to do when your
daughter is being verbally abusive to you on the phone is to tell
her that you want to help her but it’s very difficult for
you to talk to her when she is being profane and abusive to you.
Let her know that if she continues to talk you abusively you are
going to disconnect the call. If she continues, tell her to call
you back when she calms down and that are going to end the call
now. And then follow through. And, of course, continue to work
with your local supports. It might even be wise to run this
suggestion by your therapist or someone else working on your case
to be sure they feel it is appropriate for your specific
situation.
Comment By : Sara Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
having the same issues with 17yr old son. I feel helpless. We
can't continue on this path. I try so hard to keep him on the
right path. At the point of choosing counceling or him going to
stay with his dad. He will not taalk to me and does what he
wants, I am afraid for him. although i do not feel going with his
dad is the best choose letting him continue this way is not
healthy. Am I wrong?
Comment By : kuku
I have a 6 year old and am wondering how to deal with his
language. He is the middle of 3 boys and thus has been exposed to
language not appropriate. At 4 we heard the first " I hate
this family and I wish I was dead" when wwe would get upset
at him or told him he couldn't do something. We went to our
pediatric dr who said this was common and we should ignore the
comments but deal with the emotion. Those comments have tapered
and we do not hear them aside from very seldomly. He is now 6 and
is focused on body parts and the f word and words he really does
not understand. He is my pesterer, teaser. Usually does it when I
don't see it or hear it, or at school when teachers are not
around, so hard to give consequences so I end of giving both
older boys consequences (brother who is 9) as I don't want to
take sides not having witnessed it. I know my eight year old
isn't always innocent but he is definatly getting the short end
of the stick. MY 6 year old also has a very difficult time
apologizing. my other 2 it comes very easy. I now some of this is
acting out as his younger brother is 3 and since he was born we
have moved and my husband has started medical school and my
patience runs low some days.On the other hand he is a very loving
and cuddly child and I work at really trying to give him positive
attention. Any ideas how to deal with this.
Comment By : hockey mom
* To hockey mom: It sounds like a difficult situation for you, as
you want to hold your son accountable for his language, and
recognizing that you are not always around to witness it. We do
recommend holding both boys accountable when they are bickering
or pestering each other and you have to get involved to end it.
Perhaps you can talk with your boys about what they can do
differently when they start bickering with or teasing each other.
As mentioned in the article, if your 6 year old is verbally
abusing your oldest son, your 6 year old should be held
accountable for that in terms of suspending a privilege until he
writes an apology letter and goes without swearing at his brother
for a period of time. I am attaching some articles I think you
might find helpful: Sibling Rivalry: Good Kid vs. Bad Kid &
Siblings at War in Your Home: Declare a Ceasefire Now Good luck
to you and your family as you continue to work through this.
Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor
Here's my advice.. Let them swear. How important can it be? I
have a 14 yr old Aspie son whom we give freedom to express
himself, be it through meltdowns which can include expressions of
hatred, swearing, angst, crying, anger etc. When he was a toddler
he was a headbutter and I didn't stop that either. It's gone now,
but I feel it's important to let these kids express whatever it
may be unless you're truly fearful that he's going to have to go
to the emergency room. Swearing is only in the mind if you make
it so. I've let him do all these things since day one. He was
just named student of the week for the 3rd time this year (7th
grade jr. high). They send a note home each time explaining what
a joy he is to have.. compassionate, respectful, understanding..
all around a joy to know. He's the most ausome human being I have
EVER known. All this and yes.. being an Aspie he is bullies yet
he knows these kids have their own issues. Let you kids swear.
It's so not important. They are smarter than us.. let them BE.
Comment By : Aspie Mom
I am mother of 3. My 12 years son called me 'moron' other day. He
continuously uses the word 'shut up' and keeps on calling names
to his sisters. He is always talking back to dad. He would nice
to us as long as things are going his way. My husband and I are
very frustrated.
Comment By : Taposhi
If you like "“F--- You, Mom!” How to Stop Your
Child from Cursing in Your Home", you might like these
related articles:
1. Sick of Your Kid’s Backtalk? Here’s How to Stop It
2. When Kids Get Violent: “There’s No Excuse for
Abuse”
3.Inappropriate Behavior - Why Parents Dismiss it as a Phase
4.Ask the Parental Support Specialists: Can You Demand Respect
from Your Kids? (blog post)