I guess that your truth, is just the ghost of your liesI guess your kind of truth, is just the ghost of your liesYeah, your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your liesI see through them all the timeSo I'm pouring some whiskey, I'm gonna get drunkYeah, I'm pouring myself some whiskey, I'm going to get really fucking drunkI'm pouring some whiskey right now, I'm going to get so, so drunkThat I pass out, forget your face, by the time I wake up.

  that's it. that's the song.   i want you to know, really really know that i am here for you. 100% you can still call me and i will get online and talk, or listen. or just be there. i want to. i want to be, for you, what you were for me so many times. you were my support. you saved my life. you made a huge impact. i don't want you to think i am because i feel in debt to you, or obligated. i just want you to realize, i truly care. i would have stopped writing a long time ago if i didn't. i just don't know how to express myself.  

after we talked the other day, or maybe it was an email i started thinking about coming to see you. it's scary now. it's terrifying to leave everything you have known your whole life behind. sure it's shitty here, but idk, it's not b/c of you, it's not becuase of college. or even my family. i hate that i have no motivation. i hate that i let fear and deppression hold me back. i finally realized i have potential and i dont try to, oh i don't know. i really have been thinking about it. weighing out the pro's and con's. i mean what if i came there? what if you didnt like me? what if i annoyed you? held you back? i think it's my lack of self-confidence. i just dont think im good enough to help anyone.

BLEH. i just realized how many i's i have typed. god. sorry sorry sorry. it needed to be explained though. you were kinda left hanging, and i think that's unfair. anopther i sentence and then it's you. but when you aren't so down, or just if you want to talk about all that stuff about leaving the states, let me know.  

my goal was to write you and tell you how i felt and make sure you knew i am i still here for you. not in some quick email where it may not seem heartfelt or something.   i was thinking about staying on here a bit to see if you would come online. im thinking of texting you. what if you are asleep? im thinking about you though, a lot lately.   oh i just don't know.   hugs. hugs. and more hugs.  

oh please don't drink. really please. im crying. and i need to send you the lyric that just played. i don't want this to sound lecture-ish, i just care about you so much. and maybe you're stronger than me, well obviously you are, but i know the dark fucking depths of it. any of it. any addiction. it's all alike. i don't want you to go there. i really dont. you are too special. way too fucking special/. i dont know honestly. i feel dumb saying all that, but i dont know. what if no one else emails? what if no one else says they care? and something happens, say you become an alcoholic, which in my eyes would be the equivalent to suicide, and im sitting here thinking, "what could i have done?" "why didn't i just tell him how important and special he is?"   now that i sound ridiculous, or insane or whatever i sound like... a few lines..  

"we get the same twelve months to fuck things up-year after year-
and i can't believe how down i am like a well being lowered in,
now water stops, the bucket drops us farther and farther down.
Well i guess that you never knew me, or at least not well enough.
So i fill my gut with dark red wine until my brain shuts off and my eyes go blind.
You won't see me there in that thick black air-yeah.
i'll finally make something disappear."  

i just thought of that song when i read your journal.   anyhow, i guess thats enough rambling.  
--
&& i want life in every word.
            to the extent that it's absurd.