Heather
18 years old as of 2003
Heather is a very intelligent, very sensitive Canadian who has been frightened and lectured to by her father, over-controlled by her mother and felt rejected/hated by her classmates when she was younger. As a result, she has been depressed and self-harming as a teen. She was sent to the mental hospital, against her will, by her mother last year. After that experience she lost much respect for the adults in the mental health system. She said the doctors lectured her rather than helped her. Her mother has been trying to live vicariously through Heather, wanting her to ride horses in competitions etc. when that is not at all what Heather wants. Here are some of our chats and some of Heather's writing.
Table of Contents
Journal entries about being forced to the psych ward of the hospital
Heather's Comments about the story of Anna Z.
Note on friend in mental ward who was punished with solitary confinement
Some journal writing by Heather "I used to believe in something"
Journal entries about being forced to the psych ward of the hospital
Background: Heather wrote this when she was at home. She had been living in a boarding school, in other words living in the same place where she was going to high school.
---
Teen Open Diary (TOD) Journal Entry #1 from 11/23/2002
Stupid fuckers - 11/23/2002
I hate them all. Fuckign dr laycock, nurse decker... fuck them, they don't know anything... they think that coming to a place I hate is going to help? Yah right, like it really would.
I've got my brother petitioning for me to go back, I hope he makes more of a mark then I do.... Fuck, I hate it here already... I shouldn't be waking up at 10:05 on a saturday in a bed at a house my mom lives at in a city I fucking hate.
I don't need fucking meds. They aren't going to help me. I just need my friends,my life, but they don't understand that.
Fucking doctor.
And it is my moms fault that I'm here. I am such a fucking idiot. I should never have let that idiot doctor tell her about all this. She's over reacting and trying to do what's 'best' for me while just being selfish and stealing me away from what I love and taking me to what I hate.
I dont' know how I'll get 'better' first off when there really isn't anything wrong and when I'm not around the people who truly can help me.
A fucking shrink isn't going to do any good. You think I'd actually talk to the idiot? Fuck no...
But if I want to go back to school, I have to cooperate... fuck, I hope duncan convinces my mom to let me go back.
It''s safer environtment then here anyway. At least at school if I do go down I only have a razor blade, not a drawer full of knives just upstairs.
-----
TOD Journal Entry # 2 from 11/23/2002
FUCK!!!! - 11/23/2002
They are sending me to the fucking hospital.... god, I can't stand this. They keep making things worse and worse.....
FUCK!!!
Dau, when you read this can you tell everyone for me? I'm gonna keep trying to phone, I already tried once but nobody was there.... I love you Dau...
Edit: Well, there are no beds at the hospital for me. So I'm not going there this weekend at least. Fuck, I hate this so much....
(Dau was her boyfriend back at highschool)
----
Journal Entry 11/24
Where I am today.... - 11/24/2002
I feel a need to vent right now... and maybe figure a few things out along the way....
Why am I at home right now when I should be at school with my friends? My depression, that owuld be the reason.. fuck, but why the hell am I depressed in the first place?
I think that a main reason is probably the assholes and bitches I had for friends when I was younger.... people who didn't care a rats ass about me. And I cared about the same amount for them... I don't even know why I stayed 'friends' with them through all that... guess it was because I was to shy and insecure to reach out and find new friends...
Well, the ones I had sure didn't help with my insecurity at all... fuck, I was the girl they placed at the butt end of most of their jokes.. Ever listen to 'Annie' by OLP? Story or my life, almost...
You're a little bit shy,
A little too quiet,
You're the mixed up girl
That everybody leaves behind
Yah, that was me... I was the girl nobody paid any attention to unless it was to tease. And I discovered that if I stayed quiet, then I was teased less... so I never talked about anything. I bottled everything up inside and just sat with that group of 'friends' and watched them laugh and talk around me as if I didn't exist.
Those would be the first years I felt depression in, I think... The root of all my problems? Probably not... just one of the many...
Now the thing which brings me down the most is the doctors. Fuck them... sure, they may have gone to school for years and years, but that doesn't make them qualified enough to tell me whats going on in my head. I think I know! After all, I've only lived with myself for 17 years, I think by now I know how my mind works.
Stupid fucking over-protective parents... Only reason I'm here is because my mom wanted to be absolutely sure I was alright... and that fucker dr laycock agreed with her that it would be 'best' for me.... yah right. I somehow doubt that tearing me away from everything is what's best for me.
I respond very much to my friends.... if I am around them, I am happy and completely content... it's when I can't be with them that the problems start. And none of the fucking doctors seem to understand that.
I have another appointment with my family doctor tomorrow... somehow I doubt it will prove any more fruitful then the last visit. Well, other then getting me depressed again. They seem good at doing that. I'm starting to think that thats the only reason they have doctors, to get depressed people more depressed.
And the hospital? Just spending the afternoon there because my little brother smashed his lip open was bad enough. How the fuck is someone supposed to fight depression in a place wear stark white walls and disgustingly colored curtains are the norm?
Fuck... if they don't let me go back at least for snowball I will be forced to tear somebody's head off, and I'm not usually a violent person!!!
I hate this whole thing so much.... I wish that it would just hurry up and be over with so I can go back to where I'm happy.
Hmph, this entry seems to have gone away from my original topic... whatever... I don't care... I just needed to write....
---
Journal entry 11/26
no!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK - 11/26/2002
They ARE going to put me int he fucking hospital. Dammit, it's depression, people, not some deadly disease!! Let me be where I'm happy and then I'll get better!! Dont put me in the fucking hospital, I'll only get more depressed... fuck!!!!!!!!
I hate this so much. Why must they keep piling these fucking stresses onto me? It's not like I don't already have enough to deal with!! Fuck... I spent the last few years burying everything bad that happened to me and just started to sort things out with myself recently, and now they just add more onto the fucking pile I need to work through!! And I don't dare work through anything when I'm not with my friends...
FUCK!!!!
---
Journal entry # 2 from 11/2
dammit!!! - 11/26/2002
so yah, I have to go to the hospital for sure now.... gonna go at 6ish tonight. stupid fuckers. I don't want or need this at all.. just let me have my fucking life back
Heather's Comments about the story of Anna Z.
Heather's Comments about the story of Anna Z.
After Heather looked at story about Shevaun and Toby and read the part about Anna Z. she said "Wow." I asked her to explain what she meant by wow. She wrote:
wow as in ... I know that sort of thing happens to kids, but to actually read about a specific person just makes me realize that 'my god, it really does happen'
Here is more of our convo when I asked how else she felt.
She reappears ... divine says:
I think its.. well, for lack of a better word, disgusting that
parents would treat their children like this
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
it tore me up to watch it and not be able to help her
She reappears ... divine says:
and I don't understand why, if the parents hate their children so
much and have seemed to give up on them anyway, why they don't
put the children up for adoption when they are young, because
then at least they could go intoa family who would love them
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
why do u think that is?
She reappears ... divine says:
could be pride on the parents part. They don't want to admit they
did something 'wrong'
She reappears ... divine says:
could be because the parents think adoption is worse than what
they do
Where we talk about why she puts herself down and doesn't believe she is very smart
steve says:
did ur mom used to try to "keep you in your place"
steve says:
like say things like "dont get smart"
steve says:
or dont let it go to ur head
She reappears ... divine says:
both my parents would tell me and my brothers things like that
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
how did i guess
She reappears ... divine says:
i dunno ... lol
Where we
started talking about cutting
She reappears ... divine says:
I'm still working on stopping....
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
*hug*
She reappears ... divine says:
*hug back*
steve says:
i bet if u had kev there to sleep with - sleep - with u wouldn't
cut
She reappears ... divine says:
heh, prolly not
She reappears ... divine says:
last tiem I cut was last week.... -_-
steve says:
what was going on that day
She reappears ... divine says:
I felt completely alone
steve says:
aw
steve says:
*hug*
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
i know the feeling!
steve says:
we need connection, touch, all that good stuff
She reappears ... divine says:
then my dad saw it a coupel nights ago, and is now really worried
abuot me
She reappears ... divine says:
he gave me a lecture
steve says:
oh i am sure that helped
steve says:
lol
She reappears ... divine says:
lol
She reappears ... divine says:
oh yes, helped loads
She reappears ... divine says:
especially when he suggested I go see the family doctor, whom I
hate
steve says:
lol
steve says:
omg
She reappears ... divine says:
hm?
steve says:
how could anyone not know u hate that doctor
steve says:
hell i am in australia and *I* know it
She reappears ... divine says:
lol
She reappears ... divine says:
I don't know
She reappears ... divine says:
I thought I'd made it clear before, but I guess not
steve says:
maybe a picture would help
steve says:
lol
steve says:
a drawing
steve says:
u stabbing the doctor
steve says:
lol
She reappears ... divine says:
lmao
She reappears ... divine says:
if I could draw, maybe
Then there was another part of her our chat where she told me about a time her father yelled at her for coughing.
steve says: in ur mail u called urself a slut...
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
I feel like one sometimes
steve says:
yeah, but u just are emotionally needy
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
... so thats why I go from one guy to another in almost the blink
of an eye sometimes????
steve says:
yep
steve says:
sex is kind of a substitute for the love u never got
steve says:
trouble is u can never get enough of a substitute
steve says:
u need the real thing...the acceptance, caring, all that
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
I got plently of love from my family when I was younger....
steve says:
then what happened
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
.... I don't know... home, more specifically the net, became a
sorta retreat for me, especially grades 8 and 9, cuz people at
school either didnt like me much or outright hated me
steve says:
hey u said your dad scares u in ur email
steve says:
what did u mean
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
my dad has a horrible temper. He doesn't lose control of it
often, but when he does it scares me shitless
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
I've never liked being yelled at, my mom tells me I used to start
to cry when I was younger if she so much as raised her voice at
me
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
and when my dad gets mad he doesn't just yell, I've seen him hit
my older brother over the head to 'teach him a lesson'
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
my dad was 'teaching' him that it was wrong to hit someone
smaller then you, and would ask my brother how he liked it
steve says:
u were learning too during that lesson...
steve says:
do u know what u were learning....
steve says:
this is a little quiz
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
uhm... that my dad is scary and I don't want to be yelled at?
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
basically that is what i was going to say but u said it better
steve says:
i was going to say u were learning to be afraid of ur dad
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
lol
steve says:
now can i give u a lesson without hitting u or anyone else
steve says:
dark humor there.
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
ok
steve says:
k
steve says:
like how do u feel when u are in the arms of someone
steve says:
name some feelings
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
depends who it is, but if its someone I trust then I feel secure,
safe, protected and loved
steve says:
yep
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
if I don't trust them, then I feel kinda suffocated, and I wanna
get away
steve says:
yeah...
steve says:
do u see my point
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
*studies what was said above* uhm... er... ok, to tell you the
thruth, I actualyl haven't got any idea..
steve says:
lol
steve says:
ok remember how i said sex was a substitute and u were
emotionally needy...
steve says:
well u needed to feel safe at home
steve says:
when ur dad scared u,,,,
steve says:
got it?
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
oooh, yah, I think I do get it now...
steve says:
lol
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
I just need things explained once in awhile, lol
steve says:
like with me i felt scared at home too
steve says:
and also i felt not accepted
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
k
steve says:
when i am in someone's arms, having sex etc it helps fill my nee
need to feel accepted
steve says:
for me if a girl sleeps with me i feel accepted, if not i feel
rejected
steve says:
or i used to anyhow
steve says:
less so now.
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
hmm.. I see...
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
...did I ever tell you what my biggest fear is?
steve says:
no
steve says:
rejection?
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
to be alone, and not in the physical sense. I'm afraid of having
no one to love, and no one to love me
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
that would suck
steve says:
lol
steve says:
how about that for a deep response
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
ooh, it was very, very deep and profound. Changed my life
forever, thats for sure
steve says:
lmao
later..
steve says:
hey can i give u another lesson
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
sure
steve says:
k, u know how u said you were fucking pissed off at ur bf....
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
yah
steve says:
did u ever hear that anger is a secondary emotion
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
no..
steve says:
do u know what i mean by that
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
not really
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
I've never heard of secondary emotions before
steve says:
too bad they teach so much useless shit in school and not helpful
stuff
steve says:
k read this...
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
yah
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
k
steve says:
http://eqi.org/anger.htm
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
k, finished reading it
steve says:
k
steve says:
what do u think
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
its interesting, and makes sense
steve says:
lol
steve says:
i just thought to myself... she will say it is interesting and
makes sense
steve says:
i am not kidding u
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
lmao!!!
steve says:
i am serious it is exactly what i thought
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
I do that sometimes, think a person is gonan say something, and
then they do..
steve says:
lol
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
I believe you, no worries, lol
steve says:
ok what will i say next
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
you are prolly gonna ask me what I think my primary emotion was
at some point soon
steve says:
lol
steve says:
later i was but not just then...
steve says:
but close enough
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
lol
steve says:
but that was logical not mystical
steve says:
kwim?
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
so?
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
kwim?
steve says:
well it is logical i would ask what ur primary emotion was
steve says:
but if u know what someone is going to say in a spooky kind of
way it is mystical
steve says:
and kwim is know what i mean
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
ooh, ok
steve says:
i made it up, but thought i might have used it before on u
steve says:
loil
steve says:
i made that up too
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
lol!!
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
I could tell
steve says:
it means laught out and in loud
steve says:
fuck i cant type
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
heh, really?
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
*pat pat* thats ok, half the timeI can't either
steve says:
ok so anyhow, smart ass
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
: )
steve says:
what was ur primary feeling damn it
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
I felt accussed unrightfully, and offended
steve says:
ok
steve says:
do u mean accused?
steve says:
lol
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
yah,, lol
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
steve how to spell, hehe... how am I getting 90 in english?!!?
lmao
steve says:
you probably are a good bullshitter
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
hmm.. that must be it... hehe
steve says:
lol
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
that and my teacher likes what I right
steve says:
what you right
steve says:
?
steve says:
lol
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
*write
steve says:
lmao
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
: )
steve says:
lol
steve says:
show ur teacher that
steve says:
"my teacher likes what i right"
steve says:
lol
Can anyone save me from myself? says:
lol
later she changed her name in the same convo and said this
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
so inother words, alot of the time girls who have been
emotionally or physically abused at home end up turning to sex?
steve says:
i think so, or drugs, or both
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
yah...
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
I haven't turned to drugs
steve says:
are u proud of yourself for that
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
kinda, yah
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
but I haven't really been offered before, and haven't been around
it
steve says:
yeah i never did either and am proud of it
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
so not doing drugs is more from lack of being able to, rather
then actually saying 'no'
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
i dont know about that...
steve says:
like cigarrettes are all around and i dont smoke
steve says:
do you btw?
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
no... my grandma died of lung cancer from smoking almost her
whole life
steve says:
oh
steve says:
were u two close
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
yah. She was my favorite grandparent. And she'd never say it, but
I think I was her favorite grandkid
steve says:
how come u changed ur name
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
cuz my brother didn't want me to have a depressing name anymore
steve says:
r u at home or school?
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
home
steve says:
i am confuzzled
steve says:
oh
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
I don't have msn at school
steve says:
how come u are home
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
spring break
steve says:
ah
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
I'm home til sunday
steve says:
springs don't actually break much
steve says:
they are supposed to bounce back, ya know?
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
lol
steve says:
lol
steve says:
okay so where were we.....
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
I just told you my grandma and I were close
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
lol
steve says:
ah
steve says:
and u were her favorite
steve says:
or so u thought
steve says:
lol
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
lol
steve says:
so u never did anything unhealthy as a teen
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
unless you count cutting, no
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
or having large amounts of sugar.. does that count?
steve says:
ah good point
steve says:
i guess i would count cutting
steve says:
when did u start cutting
steve says:
and did u mainline sugar or what?
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
in october
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
hehe, no.. I just eat mucho candy when I get depressed sometimes
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
do u get zits
steve says:
lol
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
not really, actually, lol
steve says:
k just checking
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
I first cut on october 22nd
steve says:
i don't talk to girls with zits
steve says:
i am very shallow
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
lol
steve says:
glad u laughed
steve says:
that was a bad joke
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
it was so horrible, I had to laugh to save your pride
steve says:
what happend that day that made u cut
steve says:
and thank u
steve says:
smart ass
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
steve says:
lol
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
hmm... that day (night, actually) steve exactly... I jsut
remember that things just seemed too much
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
and that I started shaking while I was sitting at my desk
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
and it kept getting worse, and I couldn't stand it anymore
steve says:
i just have to type this... war on iraq latest news. see nicole
hug oscar. americas best lunch spots.
steve says:
does your msn say that
steve says:
oops mine just changed
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
o.o;; wow, gotta love what they throw in along with the war
steve says:
yeah exactly
steve says:
i'd say the three are of equal importance to the human race
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
*clears throat* *in a news reporter voice* "And that was an
invigorating 45 minutes, talking about the horrible line-ups in
denny's. Oh, in other news, the world's nations are stockpiling
nuclear weapons."
steve says:
yeah exactly
steve says:
so anyhow... what were some of your feelings during the day or
two before you cut
Tis Me!!! Bow down, silly people says:
I was afraid
steve says:
of..
then she showed me her diary entry, saying, .
I wrote that before I cut, same night
(i will try to get this and post it...)
then later...
steve says:
hey when your parents punished you, what did they do
steve says:
and what did u get approval for when u were growing up
"Do you want this supersized?" says:
not alot... I would get the computer taken away, sometimes, or
just a stern talking to. For me, that was usually enough
"Do you want this supersized?" says:
and I didn't get in trouble often, because I hated disappointing
my parents
"Do you want this supersized?" says:
as for approval... hugs, praise... steve, I can't really
remember...
steve says:
no i mean what kinds of things did u do that they approved of
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
oh
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
uhm.. when I did good in horse shows...
steve says:
like grades, horse shows, etc
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
uhm... or when I helped out around the house without being
aske.d. but I didn't do that too often, lol
steve says:
what else
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
oh, they used to praise me whenever I showed them some little
drawing I did
then we talked about he she gets sarcastic and can really make cutting comments when she feels hurt
steve says:
k
steve says:
hey can we continue this some other time. it is like seven am
here now and i have been up since 2 or so
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
lol, get sleep!!
steve says:
thanks mom
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
your welcome son
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
lol
steve says:
k
steve says:
bye
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
bye *waves*
steve says:
lol
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
shoo, go... get sleep!! lol
steve says:
im trying to but someone keeps talking to me
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
just sign off, and I won't be able to
steve says:
u know what...
steve says:
u can be annoying
steve says:
lol
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
I know
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
I try
steve says:
grrr
steve says:
GOOD BYE
"I'm a monkey in a long line" says:
bye bye
Note on friend in mental ward who was punished with solitary confinement
oh, I just remembered some random bit of useless information
for around the time when I was in the hospital
my roommate there told me that a day or so after I got out she
threw a fit about wanting to leave and they put her in solitary
confinement for a while
I used to believe in something - June 29, 2003
I used to believe in making love, not fucking. I used to believe in true love, not physical pleasure. I used to believe in compainionship, not one night stands. I used to believe romance existed, not that lust is the only way.
What changed everything I believed in? Hormones? Sex? Depression? Pessimism?
Perhaps what changed it was realized what the world is truly like. Perhaps it was figuring out that I would rather have the pleasure than take the time to make it mean something.
Maybe it was when I first had sex. Hormones raging after not seeing my boyfriend for a while. Torn apart from him and sent 6 hours away. Perhaps it was the hormones raging in that moment when I gave in. When I fucked a guy I'd dated for two months. No big deal, right?
To the little girl in me who used to believe she should wait until she was married, it was a big deal. To the young teen who used to believe that you should be with a person for a long time, or know them a long time, before you do something that huge, it was a big deal. To the 17 year old girl with raging hormones? It was a realization, of sorts.
A realization that this world isn't perfect. A realization that the ideals you may have held as a child don't stand up to the real world. A realization that she had surely killed her 5 year old self with no hope of regaining that innocence.
I used to be able to say I was innocent.
I can't get away with it anymore.
It was the last shade of pink being removed from my glasses. It was the last hope of a true prince charming, stripped from my soul.
No? You think not? Sure, lots of women have sex before they are married. But do you remember that dream you had a little girl? That one where you would pretend you were getting married. And the guy? Oh, he'd be absolutely perfect in every way, and he loved you. You were perfect too. Maybe all the scars you got from your young adventures were gone. But you were pure and perfect. Pure
In your fantasy land, in your dream wedding, this was the first man you ever touched. Of course it was, its a fantasy land, right? But now I've been touched, more by lust than love. Now I am no longer pure.
I used to believe in something better than this. I used to believe that the world was a good place. I used to believe in love. I used to believe in the perfect wedding and a beautiful bride and groom. And I used to pretend that the perfect family was me with my imaginary husband and 2.4 children.
I used to believe.
What ever happened to the innocent days of romance and love?
What ever happened to the excited five year old?
Where did I run away to? What corner of my mind did I lock her in?
Does he hold the key to my recovered innocence, or does he only seek to destroy it further?
Does he only want to use me and toss me aside like so much garbage?
Or will I be loved and cherished until the end of my days?
I used to have the perfect family, and we were torn assunder. What if I never have that back? What if I can never have the poster family? The one with no problems, no regrets, no wasted moments. What if I'm doomed to forever have a damaged innocence and a broken heart? What if even he can't heal me? What if....
July 20, 2003
I hate it when nothing seems right. When I can look at my own name and think, know, that it isn't right. When I can think of how old I am and wonder how it could possibly be true.
I hate it when I'm so disconnected from reality that I'm not real. I hate it when I get so lost in something that nothing else exists. I despise it when I walk through the world in a dream state, not knowing if what I see is real or fake.
I hate it when I can see my own eyes, cold and dispassionate, staring at nothing. Moving slightly. Not caring. I hate not caring. I hate it when I have no emotions. No, I hate it afterwards, when I realize what happened. Or I hate it in that small part of my brain that always realizes what is going on.
I hate it when I'm in the type of mood where I question everything. I hate doubting.
Apparently I hate alot of things. All to do with myself. My moods. My quirks.
Vacantly staring, I'm supposed to be paying attention. Lightening fast reflections. Funny how you can move faster when disconnected. Funny how when you are disconnected it doesn't matter how much pain you cause to anyone. Even yourself.
Funny how something you don't register can bring you back.
Isn't it funny that something that could kill you could save you?
Isn't it hilarious that something you despise can keep you alive day to day?
Isn't it ironic that when you know you are going to give in, you do?
It's so amusing, how I can sit here and write this. And yet not be here. Be thousands of miles away. In a place I have never visited save in my dreams. In a place that probably doesn't exist.
Despite everything, I'm still niave. Despite everything, I still don't understand myself. Despite what I may pretend, I'm not ok. But I'm not not ok. I'm simply being. Depsite what I write, I'm not truly alive. Though I'm not dead either.
I live. I love. I learn. But I do not know. I do not comprehend all that is around me. All that assails my senses. It does not matter anymore. It never did matter.
All that mattered to the 14 year old as she ran crying from her friends was that nobody followed her. Nobody tried to stop her. Nobody loved her. And now not even that matters. She will run and run, never followed. And it is well. Or not well. It merely is. She is running. Running and crying, and you can't do a thing because you didn't follow her. You told her to ask someone the time so that you could abandon her. A cheap joke. Easy entertainment. Because you never saw her tears. You were blind to them.
And then she realizes. It still matters. It still haunts her. His fault for reminding her of the past again. Damn steve and his questions. Damn him and his website. Damn him and his caring, his probing. 'Did you father ever hug you when you were younger?' What the fuck does it matter? Why must anything matter? Can't I simply huddle in a ball, in a corner away from the rest of the world. I was left there so often before, why not retreat once more?
Indeed, why not?
Why not cry in the corner, where nobody can see my tears. Where nobody can see my pain. Yes, my pain. I hurt. Not my arms, not my legs, not my flesh and bone. That does not matter. Those scars do not matter. Those cuts do not matter. What matters are the still bleeding cuts from when I ran and cried and nobody followed. Nobody cared. Nobody stopped to ask if I was alright. I didn't matter. If I didn't matter then, why should I matter now?
Indeed, why?
I don't mean everything I say here..... It just comes out
About a year after I last chatted with Heather I got an email from her. She told me she was studying in a university. She said she was writing to ask if I would please take her email off of this page because too many teenagers were writing to her wanting her to help them. I want to go find the email and quote it exactly but basically she said something like "I don't a lot of annoying teenage girls writing me."
I feel very discouraged when I think about this. With her personal experiences and keen ability to understand and describe, she could have been a lot of help to teens. Instead she is more worried about her own grades than the feelings or even lives of teens who are in situations similar to that which she was once in.
I can't blame Heather, though. She is a product of her environment. Society rewards people who go off to a university and make good grades. It doesn't reward people who try to help others.