Emotional Intelligence | Stevehein.com

"Education" in England, p.2
page 1

A letter from a teenager

A convo about "Isolation"

A letter from a teenager

Hi Steve!

I've missed seeing you online, but I've been reading your site and thinking about some of the things you've written. I read about Darren as well and I've heard of the school he goes to, think I've gone past it once or twice but I've never been there. Anyway I think I've been being too defensive recently and not quite said how I actually feel about the whole school system thing.

When I was younger I loved school, I went to a really good state school about 15 minutes walk from my house, where there was no uniform, we called the teachers by thier first names, never got homework and when we were among the oldest students at the school we were really encouraged to look after the little ones- if we finished our work early we'd go help out in the nursery class and my friends and I helped teach a little Eastern European boy how to read and learned to speak sign language to a girl with down syndrome and help her to learn to talk.

But, then I chose to go to an independent (or "private") secondary school and, admittedly, I have always hated going to an independent school. EM Forster said that independent schools produced "developed bodies, partially developed minds and undeveloped hearts" and I think there's some truth in that. It partly hit me the other day when I was at a party with my school friends and I had a cigarette and suddenly everyone seemed shocked and "told me off" for smoking, although I explained I hardly ever smoke. Somebody actually stole my cigarette and put it out. I was sitting outside on my own, it wasnt hurting anyone else, it made me angry that they could judge me so much and tell me what to do as though they're better than me because I smoke once in a while.

I realised theres a big difference between me and most of them. Most of my friends go to state schools, and dont have a lot of money. A couple of my friends have serious drug problems, with cocaine or crack or heroine, or smoke 20 cigarettes a day. So to me, one cigarette every couple of months is not a big deal. But it is to them because they're so stuck in their upper-middle-class bubble that they dont see that stuff, and they've been taught to judge, scrutinise, look down on people.

Independent schools are based on tradition and hierarchy and are all about giving people respect "because they're older" or because you're lead to believe they are better than you, so they appoint prefects and a school captain, and the people who dont get those positions feel upset and rejected. Even me, although I didnt really want to be a prefect, it did make me wonder, why is it ok for them to say "this person is better than you and so they're a prefect and you're not"?

And the CCF thing, I agree, its stupid. The whole thing is stupid. They teach you how to pass an exam, not how to be a better person, they reward you if you're good at sports, or good at academics, not if you survive depression, or say no to drugs. A girl in my glass said the other day " a B isnt very good". But the average GCSE grade in the country is still like, a D or and E or something like that, a B IS good. An A is very very good, and an A* is exceptional but because so many people at our school get all As and A*S, we're taught that a B isnt good enough, that we should pick subjects and do things that will look good on our CVs or our university application, rather than things we're going to enjoy.

And how can all that not lead to "undeveloped hearts"? And I think the same goes for many independent schools. You pay to have your child pass their exams. I dont think its true for a LOT of state schools. And although I dont like a lot of aspects of the school system in this country, I do think its based on good intentions, i dont think its evil. And although I think things need to change, I'm never going to be able to listen to anyone say that the whole of my country sucks or that the whole thing is totally wrong. I have a rather annoying habit of seeing the good in things, I'm not cynical yet.

God I've rambled on forever! Anyway, I'm sorry that I get defensive sometimes, but its not because I've been brainwashed. I havent. I know that a lot of stuff is wrong, really I do, and I know I'm reluctant to agree with you but thats only because sometimes you exaggerate and generalise. Like "england kills peoples souls" or whatever you said before. lol. I'll never agree with that, sorry!

ANYWAY I'll shut up now. I've gone on for ages I guess I had a lot to say without realising it.
I hope you're ok.

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Darren's page

Isolation - One of the forms of punishment

I have written before about what is called "In school suspension", or ISS, in the United States. In the US this is often a type of solitary confinement for teenagers, or at the least, separation from their friends. Recently I was talking to a teen in England and she told me about what they call "Isolation" in her school. Here is our part of that convo. (Edited for easier reading.)

This conversation inspired me to write more about these types of punishments. (See iss2.htm) Here I just want to add that I feel encouraged that at least Liz realizes that she did not deserve to be punished for what she said and did, and that she realizes the teacher was at fault. Instead of the teacher saying something helpful, he simply lectured, threatened and insulted Liz.

There are many things the teacher could have done which would have been more helpful. For example, he could have said things like:

- I'm a bit worried about your schoolwork, Liz, and I'd like to help. How would you feel about us talking sometime?

- Seems like your having trouble lately. Is there anything going on at home? Problems with friends? Lovelife? Anything I could help with?

- I've noticed you seem a bit down lately. Want to talk about it? Anything I can do to help?

Unfortunately Liz doesn't get this kind of emotional support from anyone either in the school or out. And that is precisely why she cuts.

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Related:

Letter from mother of an 8 year old who was locked alone in a room in school

In school suspension article by Nicole Norris

Editorial about punishment in schools

Page on Cutting