Feelings, Sensitive People

The other day someone asked me how I was. I said "I am a little worried about so and so." I explained a little what I was worried about. He said nothing. We were in the kitchen together. He started washing dishes. There was an uncomfortable silence. So I tried to keep the conversation going by saying "Did you talk to so and so about such and such?" This was related to what I was worried about. The details aren't necessary and also I am afraid he might read this!

He gave me a short answer. What we can call a conversation stopper. So I gave up.

The day before that I told someone I was worried about something. I was staying in a hostal and I was trying to work on the web page for the owner. Someone was on the computer and they had been on for a long time. I had tried various ways to let them know I needed to use it. Nothing had been working. So I told them that I was worried that the owner would think I hadn't been working on the page if I didn't start showing more progress. The person said something like "Oh no, you don't have to worry about that."

But I was worried. I didn't think the person would be interested in a lesson about invalidation at that moment. So I gave up. I checked back several times and kept giving the person hints that I wanted to use the computer, but she never got off of it. I don't like to be direct. I guess it is because I try to avoid conflicts, or more basically because I am afraid of them and afraid of being yelled at, disapproved of, rejected, abandoned. It is such a deep fear. It is always there like a brain shadow or something.

By the way, her telling me not worry about it didn't help. In fact it made it worse because I realized she didn't take my feelings seriously and wasn't going to be of any help. And I needed her help or cooperation to use the computer to do the work which would help me feel less worried. This is why invalidation is so damaging. Not only does it not help, but it often makes things worse. It would be a bit like telling someone there is a crack in the dam and you need them to help you repair it before the damn breaks, then them pulling you away from the dam so you can't even try to repair it yourself.

I don't know what to do when a person is as sensitive as I am and as afraid of conflicts. Another factor is that I don't like to hurt other people. I don't like to threaten them. I could have said "If you don't get off the computer I am going to tell your boss that I can't work because you are on the computer chatting all the time." Not only did I not want to threaten the person., but I didn't want to tell their boss later and get them in trouble. I had also tried to ask for the person's help with the web page but that didn't work either. With a child you can often say "Can you help me with so and so?" and they will stop what they are doing to help you, but with adults it is not that simple. The years of unmet emotional needs accumulate and create intense needs and sometimes what we call obsessions. I could have said to the person, for example, "You are obsessed with chatting." But that probably wouldn't have helped much either. She was already starting to get defensive and snapped at Laura when Laura asked her once how much longer she was going to be on. Laura was trying to help me by asking because I was getting so frustrated. Finally I went to an outside Internet cafe, even though the hostal computer was free.

So I am not sure what a sensitive person does. A more aggressive person would have said something "You have been on there for two hours. You told me you would only be little longer." Or there are lots of things a more aggressive person, or maybe a more resentful person, or a less insecure person, could say. But I couldn't think of anything. I decided to just leave the hostal we were staying in and give up on the idea of trying to make the web page for the owner. This seems extreme now but that is why I wanted to write about it. I wanted to show what lengths sensitive, emotionally damaged people will go to in order to avoid conflicts or hurting someone.

All of this is too hard to explain to someone who is not both emotionally sensitive and emotionally knowledgeable. Which reminds me of the difference between emotional intelligence and emotional knowledge (and emotionally skilled and emotional competence). I want to write about all of that but it will have to wait till another day.

To kind of summarize I will say that it is hard when you are thinking on a feelings level and everyone else isn't. And it is hard when you are thinking of other people's feelings. I felt very discouraged after these two things happened. I thought "What is the point of telling people how you feel and trying to say things in the softest way?" I also thought that this world isn't meant for sensitive people. Yet that expression "isn't meant for" has no meaning really. It is just something else passed along which most of us repeat without analyzing.

It is a self-defeating kind of thought. I guess I am trying to be an advocate for sensitive people around the world. Not only am I trying to figure things out for myself, understand myself and my needs and how to meet them, but I am also trying to change the world a bit so sensitive people are treated a bit better, taken more seriously and have more influence in the world. I see lots of benefits to that. Lots.

The thought of making a small difference, perhaps to some of the sensitive teens I talk to, by helping them understand what invalidation is for example, and helping them have a new self-concept which doesn't include them thinking there is something wrong with them for being sensitive, brings a trace of a smile to my face and gives me a slight, but noticeable feeling of encouragement.

S. Hein
Feb 24, 2006
Salta, Argentina

--

Invalidation