Examples of Multiple Feelings
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Multiple Feelings, Example 1 -- Feeling abandoned, afraid, self-invalidating, emotionally false
| I feel so abandoned... by the
world, and I don't understand why. I shouldn't feel this
way. Sometimes, I sense that my mum gets angry at me for
being "sad" for no reason. I can't help how I
feel. I try to cover it up lately....smile...laugh...The
last couple of weeks, it's taken all of my energy to
smile... I will probably write later because I am in a
mood where writing is the only outlet I have....that's
safe. For no reason, I find myself being in a state of meloncholy. I am feeling kind of lonely and am in one of those moods where I am worrying about everything...even if it's just a small thing. For example, I am worried that I won't get into Uni, won't pass my year exams, I'm scared that I won't be able to fight whatever is taking depressing me, I fear that I am not a good person and will amount to nothing. I guess I am just scared of everything right now. |
| From a 16 year old Yesterday my school counselor told my mother I cut again. I trusted him not to tell her. Today I went to him and asked why. I was in tears. He said he was sorry, but he was obligated by law to tell her. And he said he was worried about me. I can understand that, I was very upset the day I told him, but I just don't know who I can trust anymore. I cried myself to sleep last night because I felt so abandoned and betrayed by him. Who can I trust? It seems no one. So I have to learn to keep my mouth shut from now on. Just smile and say everything is fine, although I am burning up inside. When my mother found out she started yelling and threatened to send me back to the hospital if I cut again. What if she really does it? I can't go to a hospital. I will get too far behind in school and people will think I'm crazy if they found out. I feel like I'm in 12 years old again. When I was 12 they sent me to the hospital because they thought I was suicidal. I hated it there. It was like being in a prison. I never want to go back again. What am I doing to myself? Why am I ruining my life? Why can't I STOP??? But what else am I going to do?? Cutting has been my only form of relief to all this pain for the past two years. What else am I doing to do if I don't cut? How can I take this pain? I know that I hurt my mother. I know I disappointed her. But that just brings me more pain and makes me want to reach for the razor again. She wants me to be happy and perfect. But I am not happy and I am not perfect! I am human with human feelings. Why can't she understand that? Why can't she hold me and tell me everything will be alright instead of yelling at me? Why can't she understand that this is the only way I know of to cope with my pain? Why doesn't she accept me? Why? Why am I such a horrible person that she has to yell at me all the time and find fault in everything I do? Why can't I be happy and normal? I don't understand any of it. I try so hard to be perfect but I always fail and always let someone down. I lay awake in my bed and wonder what is wrong with me. I can't sleep. I am so . I feel so lost. And now I feel even more alone. Not only did I hurt my mother but I disappointed my school counselor... and my therapist. I am just a big disappointment to everyone. I can't do anything right. I have no one to talk to now. Now I can't even talk to my counselor at school. I knew I couldn't trust my therapist... but him, him I thought I could trust. Now I have no one. No one at all. I feel totally isolated. And I feel so scared. So very scared. So very, very scared. |
Multiple Feelings, Example 3 -- Scared and Confused (td)
| Steve | does ur mom hit u? |
| Scared and Confused | no... not really |
| Steve | does she scare u sometimes? |
| Scared and Confused | once i remember she was
about to kill me just because i talked to my school
counselor about my depression and basically she scares me when she is really mad....which is about every other day |
| Steve | why was she mad about u talking to the counselor? |
| Scared and Confused | i dunno why |
Multiple Feelings, Example 4. -- Feeling Artificial, Alone, Afraid to Share the Truth
| Steve | does anyone at school
know what happened - any counselors or teachers or any of the kids |
| WYCIYSMC :'( | no, im good at hiding it |
| Steve | yeah how many of your friends know |
| WYCIYSMC :'( | just one |
| Steve | was it hard for u to tell her? and how did she react? |
| WYCIYSMC :'( | yes, it was reallly
hard 4 me 2 tell her. and when i told her she was really surprised... she hugged me and started to cry |
| Steve | then how did u feel |
| WYCIYSMC :'( | i felt horrible cuz she was crying but relieved cuz some1 knew |
| Steve | yeah why don't u want the people at school to know |
| WYCIYSMC :'( | cuz they'll act weird around me if i do |
| Steve | how do u mean? |
| WYCIYSMC :'( | well, at my old school,
when I was still living at home, a couple ppl found out and they treated me like a freak after. they would whisper about me in the halls and pretend to be my friends and stuff |
Briar Fitzgerald
| I'm all mixed up. I don't know what I want out of
life. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so
strange. I feel like no-one cares when I know that's not
true. I don't understand it. Any of it. Why? Why?! is the
question i always want an answer for. Why me? Why did I
turn out like this? Nature or nurture? I feel like screaming, I feel so trapped in my little world. I need to get out. Do something. I don't know what. Go away or something. But how, without hurting or letting down at least one person? I hate the world right now. I feel like I'm slipping back into my depression. Every day seems worse. There's no point to anything... You
see, I'm so completely mixed up. And I feel guilty. I
feel guilty for burdening my friends with all my...well,
crap. I want everyone to know how I feel yet at the same
time I don't want anybody to know. I'm not normal, am I?
Whenever someone asks "What's wrong?" I'm stuck
for words because theres no direct thing. But they don't
understand that. diary april 20 |
| you know yesterday, we were talking about how my mum
would react if i mentioned invalidation and stuff? well, i'd just like to carry on from where i left off. in the conversation i mentioned about her throwing me
against a wall etc. well i'm not exaggerating, i'm
drawing from past expreiences. every tme a sensitive
issue is raised to do with mum she reacts mosty the same.
she can't handle it. like once before i tried talking to
her about why she always shouts at me and it ened up very
much like i described. there have been other times, too. but the thing is, she doesn't react like this to other things such as me accidently breaking a plate or forgetting things. i once did break a plate and was really scared to tell her because i had know idea what she was going to do, and i really wanted to avoid any shouting. so i told my step-dad instead. he told her but she wasn't angry. she's very unpredictable. i hate that. yesterday, i was in quite a good mood...until i came off the computer. my brother came in, asking me how long i'd had (it is so pathetic). i said i didn't know and he demanded i show him how long the internet had been running. i thought that if i didn't he would go running to my step-dad (my mum was out) and i wanted to avoid that, so i showed him. i'd had 4 measly minutes over my time. 4 damn minutes. he started shouting at me and went running to my step-dad anyway. it felt horrible. i just blew, i couldn't handle it. i started screaming at him to stop trying to control my life. to stop being so stupid by always "telling" of me. i screamed until my throat hurt and my voice was sore and shut myself in my room. i really felt like crying but i couldn't, probably because of the stuff i told you in the conversation. email may 1 |
Multiple Feelings, Example 7 -- Failful, responsible, burdened
Here we are talking about the fact that "M" can't tell her father how she really feels....
| M | i feel like a failure. a failed daughter. |
| steve | u think it is ur fault? |
| M | who else's could it be? i'm the one who cant tell him how i feel. |
| steve | from 0-10 how responsible do u feel? |
| M | 9 i feel like i'm responsible for a lot of things, for doing a lot of things, for keeping up pretences etc |
| steve | yeah |
| M | i feel responsible for how i appear to people |
| steve | sounds like a lot of burden |
| M | it is a big weight that i feel physically |
Multiple Feelings, Example 8 -- Abused, punished, shouted at, frustrated, invalidated, shocked, hurt
| you asked about my mum hitting me. i remember so many
times. once she "smacked" me and locked me
outside in winter when i was in my nightie. she has hit
my legs many times and thrown me on the floor many times.
it's always when she's shouting. there are so many times,
each time i think back i remember another time. i think
the last time she hit me was a couple of months ago. i
was "answering back" and getting so frustrated
with my life and all the rules etc and she screamed at me
to shut up and slapped me so hard everybody in the house,
even downstairs, heard it. it was so hard. it left a big
red mark for ages after. i was just so shocked and
couldn't speak for the rest of the evening. it really
hurt, both emotionally and physically. email may 8 |
Multiple Feelings, Example 8 -- Disgraceful, Disappointing
| i did hit my mum back
once. but it didn't end up in her respecting me or
anything. she put on a really shocked face when i did and
went crying to my step-dad. they both kept giving me
"i can't believe you did that, you are disgraceful
and so disappointing" looks and shouting at me. email may 11 |
Multiple Feelings, Example 9 -- Hatred, Threatened, Controlled
| god i hate that fucking woman so much right now. i am
seething with hate. last night she said to me
"you'll be a child until you're 18, whether you like
it or not". also, the subject of geograhpy came up.
i have always hated geography, and i was saying how i
didn't think there was any point in me working in that
lesson because i'm dropping it at the end of this school
year.. she said she would phone up the school at the end
of the year and if i had missed one homework she would
punish me. why does she want to control me all of the
fucking time?! i feel like screaming right now. email may 22 |
| my mother has been acting really strangely. when i
came back from france she hugged me briefly. then she
said she would let me back on the computer and give me my
£14 next moth. then she said that 10pm for bed was only
a guideline and i could go over. i don't get it, what's
going on? but she did make me cry last night. i spoke to
my dad on the phone and he said to bring round a list of
CDs i want because he knows a cheap shop and he could get
some. so i wrote the list, because i had nothing else to
do (i know i had till friday) and left it on my table in
my room. mother came in, nosing around, and saw the list.
(this was after she'd said all the stuff about
money/computer etc) then she said that she hoped i wasn't
going to go out and buy one and then get her a birthday
present that cost less. it made me feel so horrible. she
said i would turn into the sort of person my uncle is
(she said that not me) and buy everyone really small
presents before going out and spoiling themselves. she
didn't even know the full story! i hate the way she says
stuff like that. she drops it casually into any
conversation, knowing full well it isn't casual and
getting the wanted effect. email june 18 |
Multiple Feelings, Example 11 -- Threatened, Controlled, Over-protected
| Steve | why is your grandmother threatening to kick u out? |
| Briar | cuz i wont follow her stupid rules and i'm "out of control" |
| Steve | like what kind of rules |
| Briar | like i hafta go to her church every saturday night, i
have to be back home by midnight, i cant have guys over at my house, i cant go to parties where there will be guys, i cant date anyone over the age of 16, i cant go out just to hang out with friends unless my grandma knows every single place im going, i cant go shopping unless my sister comes with me, i have to make dinner every other day, |
| Steve | yeah i see what u mean.. |
| Briar | i have to do the laundry for the whole family once a
week, i have to keep my room clean, i cant go to parties where there will be alcohol or drugs, i HAVE to be home for every meal (i cant eat at friends or at restaurants), I cant go outside alone after dark I cant walk outside with friends after dark unless i've got my knife and thats not ALL of them |
| Steve | wow |
| Briar | i know... im not out of control, shes just over-protective |
Multiple Feelings, Example 12 -- Shouted at, unable to cope, trapped, disbelieved
| She has been shouting at me all day. i just cant take it. I just cant handle the fact that i'm stuck here and everything i say she thinks is a lie and........ |
| At first break today i was queing up to get a drink
(i know, i should have been getting food. it is just so
hard) and halfway there i just had to get out. i couldn't
handle everybody pushing and shoving. also i am
clasutrophobic. now i don't know if all that is relevant
but i thought i'd include it anyway. i haven't cut for a week or two. i suppose that is good. shit. i have media next. i am going to go now, this room is getting really crowded and noisy, i can't cope. maybe i'm just really sad and pathetic and should just stop my whining. i don't know |
| i feel selfish. i feel like shit. i don't know what i am going to do. i have felt like dying for a while now. i did read your entry where you said you didn't want anyone else to die, but.. i can't take it. i feel physically weak and emotionally tired. each day it is a little harder to make the effort to get up and live. i feel so alone. i want to cry. i need to cry. i am crying now. there is no point in me living. i appreciate everything you have done for me but i live in england so i can't call you or see you or anything. all i have is email and sometimes it is not enough. i feel so guilty. i am not going to write in my diary about this because x might read it. i don't know if i can cope with her knowing |
| Dear Myself, Your girlfriend left you because of you. You messed it up. It's your fault. You don't deserve her. She's too good for you. You slept with your friend's boyfriend. You are such a little slut. All you want it sex and don't care about anyone's feelings. You cold hearted bitch! You're ruining X's life. You're such a failure. You're failing in school. You can't stay off drugs. You can't keep a decent weight. You disapoint everyone around you. All you want is to die you selfish whore. You lied about your age and now your boyfriend hates you. Well he should you sneaky, lying bitch! How could you be so stupid!?! You deserve to be hurt and raped and yelled at! You deserve whatever you get. You can't keep up with partying and school. You can't sleep. You've already missed 3 days of school and it hasn't even been a month. Your dad is mad at you. Your friends don't care. If you died today no one would even notice. You're a cutter, a junkie, a whore, a lying, cheating, bitch, and you deserve to be alone. You're not good enough for X or Y. You don't deserve to have friends who care about you. You make me sick every time I look in the mirror. They should lock you up in a hospital and throw away the key! You're crazy! You'll never get better. You'll always go running for the razors and pills. You'll always be selfish and want to kill yourself. You'll always hate your body. You'll always miss a lot of school. You'll always fail your classes. You'll always be weak, lonely, and depressed. And you know what? GOOD! Because even if you quit drugs and cutting, felt all better, went to school and did well, became beautiful, and someone gave even a shit about you - YOU WOULD'T DESERVE IT! You'll never add up to anything. No one will ever be proud of you. You will never smile or laugh and mean it. You have no purpose in life. You might as well DIE!!! |