Cutting - Page 3

I feel so out of place here. It keeps getting worse.

I got a letter from Jack today though and it brightened the hellish morning I had.

We found one of Cindy's dogs dead and later, Clint dropped a bag of chicken food on a chicken.

It was so gross how it died and so sad. It still makes me wanna cry when I think about it.

Life is so fragile, I only wish I could make mine break.

I'm cutting again ...but what's new?

I have 8 cuts on my left arm currently.

It sounds like I'm boasting but trust me, I'm not.

Clint says he doesn't know how I can do it but I said it's a sickness.

If anyone hurts themselves, they have some kind of problem.

A completely sane person wouldn't cut themselves.

I found out the other day that Jonathan cuts, too, but now he's moved on to burning.

He heats metal and pushes it onto his upper left arm. That's gotta hurt.

I like cutting better, I like to watch the blood. It confuses me.

I feel really angry and then I relax some, but I feel on edge.

Then it starts stinging and I begin to feel again.

That's why, yes, that's why I cut.

I cut to feel.

I'm so confused.

So totally lost and confused.

Scared, too.

I can't even explain myself.

I don't want to get caught for cutting because no one will believe me when I try to tell them why.

Everyone always think I'm an attention-seeker.

I don't know what I want but I know that's not it.

I know what I want. I want someone to understand.

by Mai

cut your face
to escape your mind

cut your neck
to feel alright

cut your shoulder
to better understand

cut your arm
to end your mental fight

cut your hand
to smile again

cut your fingers
to forget the past

cut your chest
to recover yourself

cut your stomach
to end pain which seems to last

cut your hip
to forgive yourself

cut your thigh
so imperfect, you feel

cut your leg
draw attention to something else

cut your foot
to come back to whats real

cut yourself
so you bleed and bleed

let out the pain
that which your mind seems to feed
tormented and lonely
a lost little girl
all she wanted was a hug
and someone to love her

+ The Silence Between Us +

this silence between us
keeps me trapped
inside a mind
were darkness envelopes the light
no words cross a path
so simple is communication
but you dont seem to listen
so i choose to keep my opinion
in a locked, little box
i try to shout out
but you put me down
repress my actions
and you ask why i rebel
push your limits
how else can i get my thoughts across
your ignorance is the death
of what a family relationship should be
all the girls they say
how their mother is their
best friend
when they ask me
i respond with hate
what mother do they speak of
one who is open minded
not mine obviously
you occasionally try
to get into my head
but when i try back
you retract with speed
sticking to your ways
which always seem to be right
you'll never know how wrong
You are
how withdrawn i am
just another punk teenager, right mom?
just another fuck up, right dad?
its too bad you'll never know
the Real Me
its not like you tried though...

[ Leave Me A.l.o.n.e ]

sometimes i wish
that i had wings
so i could fly
far away from here
away from your words
and your irrational rules
away from the bruises
and broken, glass tears
i feel so tired and low
withdrawn from my social experiences
it hurts to much to talk
its easier just to keep quiet about things
about my endless torrment
why wont you just let me be
i can make my own decisions
i know what i want
im almost 17 years old
i dont need your shit anymore
you pathetic excuse for flesh
i hate you
Mother
I Hate You
maybe if i just make the next cut
deep enough
i wont have to worry
anymore...

I don't cut myself everyday you know. And i don't do it to try and kill myself either. I don't do it for the blood, and i don't cut where people can easily see it so don't even think of accusing me of doing it for attension.

I love my family. Don't get me wrong there. I"m popular enough in school sure. I have a lot of friends i guess. I"m even editor of the school newspaper. Which is a big thing.

I"ve been addicted to drugs. So i know all about shooting up until you pass out. I've been a drunk so i know about puking your guts out until you can't see or breathe. I've been annorexic so i know all about being so weak you can't even open your eyes. And I've been raped so i know all about what it feels like to think your insides are going to fall out of you. I know all about all of those things. All coping methods. Cutting is just another method to add to the list.

I don't know why i feel so empty inside. It's like a part of me is missing. For as long as i can remember i've felt this way.

I know i have to get this under control. Or else the millitary won't take me. And i was born to be in the air force. I'll save myself. I"ve made this promise so many times to myself. and to others. But if i don't get this under control. My dreams will get away from me.