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Nathaniel Branden's Honoring the Self - Side 6
The more a person suffers
from poor self esteem, the more he or she is ruled by
fear. Fear of other people
and fear of real or imagined facts about the self that
have been evaded or repressed. There is fear of the
external world and fear of the internal world.
A person without a reasonably satisfying level of self
confidence and self respect will inevitably feel anxious,
insecure and self doubting. He or she will have the
nameless sense of being unfit for reality and
inappropriate to the challenges of life.
Fear becomes the central motivating force within the
personality. For example, consider the case of a man with
low self esteem who becomes a husband and father. He
rules his home, let's say, by evoking fear in his wife
and children. He uses the same fear that motivates him as
his chief source of energy and action. He avoids the
expressions of pain and unhappiness in their eyes. He
avoids their efforts to communicate with him, and he
becomes sullen and withdrawn when they refuse to obey
him. The years go by and he sees whatever love or respect
they once felt for him vanishing. His spirits drop lower.
At the age of fifty he is worn out, depressed and
occasionally suicidal in his fantasies. He is the
casualty of an uncorrected low self esteem.
Fear sabotages mind, clarity and effectiveness. Fear
undermines the sense of personal worth. And actions
motivated by fear, rather than by confidence, are
generally the kind of actions that leave a person feeling
diminished in stature.
When a person with low self esteem uses defenses or
reality avoiding strategies to escape feelings of
deficiency, distortions are introduced into thinking. The
person will handle only the knowledge that maintains his
or her defenses. There is no goal set for seeing reality
clearly.
Someone who is faking a healthy self esteem puts
conditions on the perception of reality. Certain
considerations become more important than reality, facts
and truth. Consciousness is pulled significantly and
dangerously by the strings of wishes and fears; above
all, fears. They become the masters. It is to them, not
reality, that the individual has to adjust. As time goes
on the person will strengthen the very self defeating
ways that caused the loss of self confidence and self
respect in the first place.
Consider a person who consistently thinks of themselves
as a daring and shrewd operator who is just one deal away
from a fortune. He keeps losing money in one
get-rich-quick scheme after another. He is always blind
to the evidence that his plans are impractical, always
brushing aside unpleasant facts, and always boasting
extravagantly. His eyes see nothing but the dazzling
image of himself as a brilliantly skilled businessman. He
moves from one disaster to another, dreading to discover
that the vision of himself that feels life a life belt is
really a noose choking him to death.
Or consider a middle aged woman whose sense of personal
value is dependent on the image of herself as a
glamorous, youthful beauty. Every wrinkle on her face is
seen as a threat to her identity. She plunges into a
series of sexual relationships with men more than twenty
years her junior. Each relationship is rationalized as a
grand passion, while she avoids the characters and
motives of the young men involved. She represses the
humiliation she feels in the company of her friends. She
constantly seeks the reassurance of fresh admiration,
running faster and faster from the haunting, relentless
pursuer, which is her own emptiness.
There is no way to preserve the clarity of our thinking
when fear takes precedence over the facts of reality.
There is no way to preserve the power of our intelligence
so long as we believe that having positive self esteem
means certain facts just cant be faced. We need
positive self esteem to live the life appropriate to us,
and positive self esteem is intimately related to honesty
and integrity. This is why it is so important for a
person to discover that its safe to be truthful
about thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Any time we admit a difficult truth, any time we face
something weve been afraid to face, any time we
acknowledge to ourselves or others facts that we have
been evading, any time that we are willing to tolerate
some fear or anxiety on the path to better contact with
reality, our self esteem goes up.
Anxiety in general is a psychological alarm signal
warning of real or imagined danger. In varying degrees of
intensity, anxiety is a human condition. The anxiety
Im talking about is of a very special kind. I call
it self esteem anxiety.
Self esteem anxiety is a state of dread experienced in
the absence of any actual or impending threat. Many
sufferers know theres an occasional uneasiness, a
diffuse sense of nervousness and apprehension coming and
going unpredictably, pursuing a pattern of its own. They
are oblivious to how much of their behavior is motivated
by the desire to escape it.
Whenever a person feels fear any kind of fear
the response reflects an estimate of some danger,
some threat to something valued. In the case of self
esteem anxiety, the thing of value being threatened is
the sufferers very ego. By ego to repeat, I mean
the unifying center of awareness, the center of
consciousness, the ultimate sense of I. That
which perceives reality, preserves the inner continuity
of ones own existence, and generates a sense of
personal identity. Any threat to a human beings
ego, anything that he or she experiences as a significant
danger to the minds efficacy and control is a
potential source of self esteem anxiety. Anything that
threatens to collapse the sense of personal worth is a
source of self esteem anxiety.
Certain characteristics link the mildest form of this
anxiety to the most extreme. The person feels afraid of
nothing in particular and of everything in general. If
the fear struck person tries to offer a rational
explanation for the feeling, the explanations are
obviously illogical. And the person acts as though
reality is the object of fear, rather than anything
specific or concrete. That is why anxiety of this kind is
sometimes described as free floating.
This anxiety is a powerful force in the lives of
countless millions of human beings. This is the vast,
anonymous group of men and women who have accepted fear
as a built in fixture of their soul, and who often dread
even to identify that what they feel is fear. Such
anxiety results when there is a perceived threat to self
esteem, to the sense of control, effectiveness, and
worth. The fear seems to be metaphysical, directed at the
universe at large, at existence itself. It implies that
to be, is to be in danger, beyond any other rational
sense of the word.
There is a feeling of shapeless but impending disaster, a
sense of helplessness. Sometimes there is also a
metaphysical guilty. The person feels wrong as a person,
wrong in some fundamental way that is wider than any
particular defect he or she can identify. The threat and
the danger lie within. The threatening demons are
disowned perceptions, thoughts, memories, feelings or
emotions the individual has resisted in order to preserve
a psychological balance.
If self esteem is the conviction that we are competent to
grasp and judge the facts of reality, and that we are
worthy of happiness, then self esteem anxiety, in its
extreme form, is the torment of a person who is crippled
or devastated in this realm. This is a person who feels
cut off from reality, alienated and powerless.
xx
If you default on the responsibility of awareness, the
result is self distrust. You will feel that your mind is
an unreliable instrument. If you refuse to think about
issues that require attention, you will be unable to
escape the contradiction between what you know and what
youve done. Taken actions contrary to what you
believe to be right, you may escape the implications of
the actions but not their existence. You are left with
self distrust the implicit knowledge that mind,
judgment and convictions can fail you under emotional
pressure.
The ability to feel
anxiety, self distrust or guilt is an asset. These are
alarm signals warning of danger to your well being. Such
emotions can be painful, even devastating, but if they
cause you to stop and question yourself, or even seek
professional help, then they serve a useful purpose in
protecting your life. If however they are ignored, they
wreck havoc in your life. Self esteem anxiety always
involves and reflects a particular kind of conflict. The
ego confronts this conflict during the acute anxiety
attack.
Lets understand what kind of conflict we have here:
Suppose that a man aspires for years to a position he
secretly feels inadequate for. Shortly after he is
promoted to that position, he awakens in the middle of
the night with queer sensations in his head and painful,
tightness in his chest. He experiences a state of violent
anxiety. In the days that follow, he begins to express
worry and concern about his childrens school
grades, and he begins to moan that his house is
under-insured, finally he begins to cry that he is going
insane. But the fact of his promotion doesnt enter
his conscious mind. His anxiety is triggered by the
collision of two absolutes: Ive got to know
how to handle the responsibilities of my new
position. And the feeling that he is inadequate to
obey that imperative: I dont and I
cant! The conflict is not conscious. It is
repressed, but the effect of the conflict demolishes his
pretence of control over his life. It brings about his
anxiety. Now observe the nature of the conflict. It is a
clash that pits the mans sense of personal worth
against a perceived inadequacy.
Another example: A woman raised to believe that her
personal worth is a function of her role as wife and
mother. For years she has repressed any impulses towards
self assertiveness or self expression that threatens to
interfere with this role. Building within her is enormous
rage that she doesnt allow herself to identify or
confront. But more and more frequently, she finds herself
having fantasies of her husband and children being killed
in an automobile accident. She becomes overtly eager to
please her family to the point of annoying and burdening
everyone. She feels rejected. Rage keeps on building. The
fantasies of her familys death increasingly
dominate her consciousness. One day standing at the
kitchen sink and washing dishes, she suddenly finds that
she has difficulty distinguishing the colors of objects.
Everything in her field of vision begins to swim and
terrible pains appear to be coming from her heart. She
feels certain that she is going to die of a heart attack.
But what has hit her is the onset of an anxiety attack.
The collision is between the value [?] imperative of
I must not! and the contradictory impulse of
I did do, and will continue to wish for my
familys death. The clash pits her sense of
personal worth as a mother against her very contradictory
fantasy.
In every instance of self esteem anxiety, you will find a
conflict in the form of I must or
should have versus I cannot or
did not. Or conversely, a conflict between
I must not, versus I do, I
did, or I will. There is always a
conflict on the one hand, between some value of
parenthood [?] that has tied crucial weight to the
persons self appraisal and on the other, some
failure, inadequacy, action, emotion, desire [?] or
fantasy that the person regards as a breach of that
imperative. The person believes that this breach
expresses or reflects a basic and unalterable fact of his
or her nature.
Psychologists have understood self esteem anxiety, which
they call pathological anxiety in many
different ways. But I am convinced that the basic patter
Ive just described can be found in every case, no
matter how different the details are. Self esteem anxiety
is a crisis of self esteem, and the possible sources of
anxiety are as numerous as the rational or irrational
values on which people base their self esteem. The value
imperative that each individual confronts in these
anxiety producing conflicts may be different. And
different value imperatives may be more or less
appropriate, but the person somehow believes that
satisfying the demand of this imperative should be within
his or her power. The conflict is typically subconscious.
Either [?] half of it however, may be conscious or
partially conscious.
There is no object of fear more terrifying to human
beings than fear itself, and no fear more terrifying than
that for which we know no object. Few people consciously
experience self esteem anxiety in the terms I am
describing here. In order to make it more bearable, we
usually convert it into specific and tangible fears.
Though a person may be beset by a dozen narrower fears,
all are a smokescreen and a defense against an anxiety
that roots lie in the core experience of self [?].
Since positive self esteem is a fundamental need, human
beings who fail to achieve satisfactory self esteem are
driven by anxiety to fake it. Pseudo-self esteem is a
pretense at self confidence and self respect. It is a non
rational self protective device to lessen anxiety and to
fulfill the need for positive self regard. With
pseudo-self esteem it is necessary to avoid, rationalize
or otherwise deny ideas, feelings memories and behaviors
that could adversely affect self appraisal. And further,
it becomes necessary to find a sense of effectiveness and
worth from something other than the appropriate use of
consciousness, rationality, honesty, responsibility and
integrity. This alternative value might be something like
doing ones duty, or being [inaudible], or being
altruistic, or financially successful or sexually
attractive, or tough, or whatever.
This is a complex process of self deception, and a
misguided attempt at self healing, on which an individual
may build his or her whole life. It holds the key to the
individuals motivation, values, and goals to
the impulses that drive the individual along a particular
path.
Lets establish a point of contrast here: In the
psychology of a man or woman of authentic self value,
there is no clash between facing the facts of reality and
preservation of positive self esteem. Positive self
esteem is based on wanting to know and act in accordance
with the facts of reality, but to the man or woman with
pseudo-self esteem, reality is often experienced as the
enemy. Self confidence and self respect, or the illusion
of them, is purchased at the price of avoidance. A person
may be perfectly rational in an area that doesnt
touch on, or threaten pseudo-self esteem. The same person
may be flagrantly irrational, evasive, defensive and
downright stupid in an area that is threatening to self
appraisal.
For example, a woman may operate her business smoothly,
shes open to recognizing her mistakes when she
makes them and is quick to correct them. In this sphere
shes got a good, strong, reality orientation. At
home, when dealing with her husband or children, she
becomes hysterical at the smallest challenge to her
authority. Her balance is disturbed by any failure of her
family to go along with her judgment. Pseudo-self esteem
is invested in being the perfect wife and the. Any
suggestion of failure activates her anxiety. This
activates her defenses and makes her unable to hear or
respond appropriately to what her family is telling her.
Her family is left to wonder how she could be so
brilliant in one area for life, and so blind in another.
The process of avoidance and repression alone cant
provide a person with the illusion of good self esteem.
That process is only part of the self deception. The
other part consists of the values we choose to help us
achieve a sense of personal worth.
Let me develop a point of contrast: A healthy individual
derives pleasure and pride from the work of his or her
mind, and from the achievements of that work. The
individual who feels confident to deal with the
challenges of life will desire a stimulating, creative
existence. Feeling confident of his or her own value, the
individual will be drawn to good self esteem in others.
What he or she will desire most in human relationships is
the opportunity to feel admiration. In the spheres of
both work and relationships, the individual acts from a
firm base of security and a love for the fact of being
alive. What he or she seeks are means to express and
objectify [?] good self esteem.
In contrast, the person with poor self esteem acts out of
fear rather than confidence. The fundamental goal is not
living, but avoiding the anxiety of living. Safety
becomes the ruling desire. And in relationships, such a
person seeks an escape from moral values, an escape from
standards, a promise to be forgiven or to be accepted
without being respected. Or to be admired without being
understood, to be comforted and protected, or else held
in blind awe.
High self esteem is motivated by love. Low self esteem is
motivated by fear. There is motivation by the love of
self and of life, versus the fear that one is unfit for
life. Motivation by confidence places its primary
emphasis on the possibility of enjoyment. Motivation by
terror places its primary emphasis on the avoidance of
pain. The more a person suffers from poor self esteem,
the more he or she lives negatively and defensively, or
out of motivation by fear. When that person chooses
particular values and goals, the primary motive is to
defend against anxiety, against distressing feelings of
inadequacy, self doubt, guilt, and the possibility of
being hurt.
An analogy may prove helpful: If a persons life is
in physical danger from contracting a major disease, the
primary concern in such an emergency is not the pursuit
of enjoyment, but the removal of the danger. To the
person significantly lacking in self confidence and self
respect, life is a chronic emergency. The person is
always in danger psychologically. He or she never feels
free to pursue the enjoyment of life because combating
the danger means pretending it doesnt exist. I call
any value chosen to support pseudo-self esteem a
defense value.
A defense value is motivated by fear and aimed at
supporting an illusion of psychological balance. It is an
anti-anxiety device. Sometimes the value chosen for this
purpose may be intrinsically [?] admirable. What is
irrational and unhealthy about it is the reason for its
selection. Productive work is certainly a value worthy of
esteem, but escaping into work as a means of avoiding
ones conflicts, short comings, anxieties and
resultant unhappiness is not admirable. Sometimes
however, defense values are irrational in both respects,
as in the case of a person who seeks to escape anxiety by
gaining power over other people.
The number of different defense values that people can
adopt is virtually limitless. However, most of these
values have one thing in common: they are values held in
high regard by the culture or subculture in which a
person lives. The number of common defense values of this
type appear in the following examples:
- The man who is obsessed with being popular feels driven
to win the approval of every person he meets, clings to
the image of himself as likeable. He regards
his appealing personality as his sole means of survival
and a proof of his personal worth.
- The woman who has no sense of personal identity and who
tries to lose her inner emptiness by being a martyr for
her children, demanding only that her children adore her,
so that their adoration feels the vacuum of the ego she
hardly possesses.
- The man who never forms independent judgments about
anything, but who tries to compensate by making himself
an expert concerning other peoples opinions about
everything.
- The woman whose chief standard of self-appraisal is the
prestige of her husband, and whose pseudo self-esteem
rises or falls according to the number of people who
court her husbands favor.
- The man who works at being aggressively masculine,
whose main concern is his role of woman-chaser and who
derives less pleasure from the act of sex than from the
act of reporting his adventures to the men in the
[inaudible?]
Sometimes, defense values are of a religious nature. The
practice of religion is sometimes used to combat anxiety
and purchase a sense of worthiness.
Still another type of defense value may be seen in the
person who rationalizes behavior he or she feels guilty
for by insisting that such behavior doesnt
represent his or her true self. The concept
of a real me that bears little relation to
anything one says or does in reality, is a very common
anti-anxiety devise and often co-exists with other
defense values.
If people took responsibility for their actions as they
perform them, not only would defense values of this kind
be impossible, but a radical raising of self esteem would
be inevitable. When we take responsibility of our
actions, all kinds of changes are inevitable.
If you can, step back from any of your defense values,
and ask yourself, does this really make me
good?, Why do I think so?
You have the power to move towards placing your self
esteem on a saner and less precarious foundation. Even
when youre afraid, this possibility is open to you.
You can accept fear and then rise above it by taking
unfamiliar but desirable risks in the service of your
mind and life. No one has to remain trapped at the level
of poor self esteem. If you tell yourself you do,
thats just one more cop-out. Thats just one
more self-betrayal.
While some defense values are less harmful than others,
all of them rob an individual of possibilities for
evolution and aliveness. Perhaps the ultimate defense
value, at a concrete and specific level, is the
tranquilizer:
The fire alarm is turned off, but in the subconscious,
the fire continues to rage. I am hardly denying that
tranquilizers have their uses as short-term emergency
measures, but as a way of life, they become a denial of
life. Drug abuse is a metaphor for the entire issue of
defense values and the problem of motivation by fear. If
tranquilizers are a boom industry, it is absurd to blame
pharmaceutical companies, quite simply because its
the human inclination to follow path of least resistance
- the tendency to accept the easiest and least demanding
solution over the right solution.
In drug abuse, people often find solutions
that seem appealing when other defense values break down,
when the tide of anxiety fails to be stemmed [?].
Tranquilizers, alcohol and recreational drugs share these
common features that tend to make them addictive: They
reduce pain and anxiety. They sometimes create a
temporary illusion of buoyancy, power and high self
esteem, and they tend to perpetuate just those behaviors
that created the need for their use in the first place.
Drug abuse is intimately connected to problems of
self-esteem and cant be understood outside that
context. Just as drug abuse is a defense value, so is an
obsession with approval and popularity, or role-playing
the good boy or good girl, or
compulsive pursuit of sexual conquests, or sexual
renunciation, or selfless obedience to a leader to escape
the burden of identity and responsibility. These are all
anti-anxiety devices. They are all engaged to cope with
the problem of the human need for self esteem, but in
self destructive ways.
When an addict withdraws from his or her particular
addiction, the individual must ask, What am I
without this particular crutch? We might ask the
same of any defense values. Who am I without my
popularity? Who am I without my possessions? Who am I
without my leader, my movement - the cause in which I
lose myself? Who am I when there is no one to tell me
what to do - no one to obey or rebel against? No one to
surpass, or be subordinate to? No one to impress, or
control, or manipulate, or serve? Who am I, facing myself
in the mirror? Perhaps this is the ultimate question all
of us must face: Who am I, naked and alone, with only my
mind and my being, and with no external supports or
trappings?
One of the core meanings of enlightenment is liberation
from false and [inaudible] value attachments that blind
the individual to his or her true essence. When and if
you learn that ultimately you are your mind, and your
manner of using it
when and if you understand that
ego is only the internal experience of
consciousness, the ultimate center of awareness - you are
free.
But for those who are trapped in a maze of false notions
of self, an elaborate structure of social roles and
images, and barricaded behind a network of defense
values, freedom is almost unreachable. Or so it seems. At
best, it is a distant vision. The path of our evolution
is the path we follow toward actualizing that vision.
We cant complete our discussion of the dynamics of
self esteem without considering the impact of self esteem
on two cardinal issues of our existence: work and love.
END of side 6
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