Hi, I've discovered your
website, thank you so much for all the information.
Im 28 now, and all my life I never knew why I am like
this, I just thought its just the way I am, my own stupid
fault, I have hated myself since I can remember, I've
felt such a failure, I used to self harm, even now I
sometimes have to cut at times, although nowhere near how
I used to. I feel like a waste of space, like a
bother on other people. I mean, the check list
about characteristics of someone who was emotionally
abused sums it up. My mum moved abroad several years ago.
Growing up was miserable. I was never good enough,
I was told constantly I need to eat less, I'm fat (I was
6.5 stone) my brothers would make up fat jokes about me
to please my mum and she would laugh. I was made to
go to bed at the same time as my little sister who is
many years younger than me so this ended with me not at
all tired but having to lay in bed in the dark in the
room I shared with my sister, all I did was lie there for
hour after hour hating my life, I wasnt allowed out after
school ever, I could never socialise. I was told
constantly I'm too sensitive.
I am always blamed openly
for causing my mum to becaome an alcoholic because I was
a bad baby, and that because she drank too much while
pregnant with my brother that this is why he is dyslexic
and special needs at school. When she discovered I cut
myself she laughed and called me "Sarah the
slasher", said I was only doing it because I
wanted attention. The emotional blackmail was
endless. If she wanted me to do a task, like to
hoover up, she wouldnt just tell me to do it, she would
begin ' You're so lazy, you never help me do anything,
you always just sit there, I dont know why I bothered
having you, why wont you hoover for me?'
>
> I have no confidence now and didn't growing
up. I didn't know how to talk to people my own age
or to grown ups, I was deadly shy and this was something
else I was ridiculed for. She seemed to love to
show me up or embarrass me, when I was 6 I had to have
some milk teeth taken out because where she would feed me
ribena daily they had rotten, this seems to amuse her
even now, she will always tell people in front of me this
had to happen. She constantly told me, and still
tells me, that I was the first baby so naturally I was
the experiment and thats why I've turned out this
way.
>
> She used to go on about me being the only child of
four who will go on to do anything with my life, I was
clever, I had brains, I wouldn't let her down when it
comes to exams. But when I got my GCSE results
back, I got some B's and C's and A*, but all she said was
I let her down because I only got a D for German.
>
> Money was always tight at home and I wasn't allowed
to get a part time job until I left the sixth form.
So until I got a job I had no money at all. This
meant anything I needed including deodorant / sanitary
towels etc. I had to ask her for. And a lot of the
time was refused most things. If she did buy
something necessary I knew the effort it caused her, the
waste of money I caused, the trouble maker I was for
asking for it.
>
> When I was 17 I had a pen friend who was a boy,
about 20. We would write letters weekly, I really
looked forward to getting his letters, I had nothing else
to look forward to then. My mum used to open his
letters when they came because I was at school, she would
read them and then give them to me, when I needed a stamp
to post my reply she refused to give me one unless I let
her read it. I felt so deadly embarrssed and so
angry but I had to let her do whatever she wanted or I
couldnt send it.
>
> These days now she is abroad with my dad and I
hardly ever see her. She has started drinking
again, which again is my fault, because I got
divorced. This has greatly upset her and
embarrassed her. She says she can never again go
back to the church because his family all go there and
that I've ruined her reputation and her
friendships. When she was over on a visit and found
out the relationship had gone bad and that there were
rumors I was cheating on him she would go mad and
slap/punch my head, pull my hair, scream in my
face. She always used to react this way while I was
growing up if she got that mad.
>
> When I started going out with someone after the
divorce, she wanted to find out if I was sleeping with
him because we weren't married. It was so
embarrassing and again involved screaming and slapping
til she got her answer. I told her I wasn't but it
wasnt until she had made me cry that she seemed satified
and left.
>
> These days there isn't much contact. She only
rings me if she wants to blackmail me into giving my
brother money when he needs it. I say blackmail
because I am not free to refuse. I am told she
hasnt got any money or she would give it to him, that she
feels so strssed because of him not working, that he is
my brother, my family and this is more important than
anything else. She doesn't ever think I will
refuse. And I never do.
>
> Even now I'm so afraid of being on my own with her,
my husband knows this as I always ask him to stay in the
room. On the occasions where he has been working
and I've had to stay with her alone he says he gets home
to find my crying or extremely upset, feeling my life is
worthless and pointless. I mean, im 28 now and she
doesn't even live in the same country as me, but the
power she has over me is just as strong as ever.
>
> I know I'm a disappointment to her, I can see why in
some sense, and I know why she wouldn't care that I am
now happily married as its my second marriage.
Together we have recently bought a house, saved up the
deposit and everything but she seems like thats no big
deal, isn't interested at all. Everything I do
seems to mean nothing to her.
>
> All the six years she has been abroad I am still
like I was when she left. Compliments by other
people make me feel panicked and sick, I can't talk to
people, I am still very introverted and shy, I am
worrying constantly that people will leave me or no
longer want me, I am only truly happy when I'm doing
something, like the housework because I can control it
and do it to my standards, although I notice I am very
compulsive in this. I still have problems when it
comes to eating, I either refuse to eat at all or the
bare minimum, or I eat the standard 3 meals a day but
they consist of food that is low fat like weightwatcher
meals or ryvitas. I am seven stone but truly feel
miserable because in my head I am fat. From waking
up in the morning, to picking my clothes for the day, to
going to bed at night all I think about is being fat and
what to do about it.
>
> My mum was a good mum. Despite the little
money we never went hungry, she would always have dinner
ready for us after school and we got presents on our
birthdays and at christmas.
>
> After school, once me and my siblings sat down to
eat our dinner my mum would go straight upstairs and lock
herself into her room and we wouldn't see her again until
that evening because she would come down to watch
tv. During that time we could do what we liked,
despite my brothers fighting and upsetting me she would
still sit up there. She would scream for us to get
away from her door when we would try to talk to her. If
there ever was a problem you couldn't talk to her, in
fact it wouldnt even cross your mind to try most times,
she was someone I regarded as having to keep secrets
from. She would check our pockets and go through
our rooms, there were no healthy boundaries at home at
all. My sole purpose in life was to look after my
three younger siblings and do their share of work.
>
> I love my mum, its not her fault. Her mum used
to wish she had been born a boy, and would make her wear
boys clothes and cut her hair so short. Her mum
prefered her brother over her. My mum knew
this. So I know my mum is only acting this way
because she knows no different. I mean, Im pretty
sure she doesn't love me but some things she would say or
how she would act couldn't have been deliberate.
>
> Sorry to go on for so long, I didn't mean to, I
havn't ever written/thought all this through
before. Again, thank you so much for the website,
its shown me its not all my fault that I'm like this, and
that other people are the same, it is so true, if you are
being emotionally abused you don't know it while its
happening, you just think it's you and this is how your
life is
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