When I was looking for my file on Jessica in Peru, I found this, written by a teenager named Jessica in the USA. I copied her entries from teenopendiary in 2002.
Betrayal 8/13/2002
I don't suppose this really comes as a surprise to me. What hurts the most is the fact that now i've lost everything that kept me safe....and now nearly everyone. I believe i only have 2 people in my life now who i can turn to. 2.
I remember when i was practically the most popular kid in school. All the boys wanted me. All the girls wanted to be me. But that was a long time ago
Now i'm a cutter, loner, punk freak, outcast....and so on and so on.
They've been conspiring against me for awhile now. Or so i
gather. I can't believe she would do this to me. She said i could
always come to her. She always told me she loved me. And all this
time she's been talkin gto my fucking father. So now, i have no
mother, no father, 2 friends. and on top of all of that shit.
they are making me go see a shrink. Well let me tell you
something about shrinks. All they want to do is give you 12 step
programs, pretend they are listening and go own there way. Well
fuck that. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I HATE THEM!!!! I want to scream......i want to just scream
and then die. Maybe with a little luck tomorrow will never
come.....
===
This is The custody battle from hell....HELP!! 8/17/2002
Well, I know I'm not so great about writing but i think it's time
that i talk about this whole thing that's going on with my dad.
This entry is totally and completely against the law. I'm not
supposed to talk to anyone about what's been going on. But unless
they want me to start cutting again, i'm willing to take the risk
of them finding out about this.
It's a hard thing to deal with when you discover that your
father has been lying to you your entire life. At first you don't
want to believe it. You want to believe that everything he says
is the truth becuase he has always preached honesty. And then you
get evidence and you still don't want to see the truth. BUt then,
you wake up and realize that you are a pawn in a chess game. In
HIS chess game. Which is sick considering i'm his DAUGHTER.
And i can't confront him about it, because i know things i'm
not supposed to know. and if he knows that i know then my mom's
and my case for this whole custody thing could go down the shit
hole.
And what's ironic about this is that i'm trying to get SHARED
placement!!! as in Half time spent with my mom half with my dad.
With mom 2 weeks, then with dad two weeks. And he promised he
wouldn't fight it. He promised.
I kept a big promise to him back in january when i said i
wouldn't kill myself up until a certain date......because i
trusted him as my father. My promises are sacred and i rarely
break them. only if someone says they are going to commit suicide
do i go for help on it.
I'm 16 years old. Way older then the legal age to decide where
i want to live. I wish the judge would just order the psych
evaluation. so then the court could know the truth......
and that leaves me to end on this......What is the truth? I
just don't know anymore
===
No sense of security..... 8/17/2002
I know the difference between right and wrong. I know that i will
not see 99% of the people i am in High School with when i
graduate in 2004. I know that all of my friends are "there
for me" but i also know that only 2 or three of them would
listen.
I have no sence of security or belonging anymore. I can't
remember when i felt like i did belong. I've always been the
fucked up one, (to put it lightly) in the group of friends i
have. I was the one to do drugs. I was the one to get drunk on
weekends and start smoking. I was the one to cut class to go
drink and shoot up. And i was the one to have the eating
disorder, the one who started cutting myself, and the the one who
ultimatly has tried to kill myself numerous times over the years
BUt now I'm off the drugs. I don't drink. I'm a social smoker.
but i dont' smoke often. I'm at a healthy weight once again. and
i've gone 11 days without cutting.
But now that I"m "normal" per say, it's like my
friends don't know how to act around me. It's almost like they
can't except the fact that I'm starting to deal with things
differently. and by differently i mean things that aren't against
the law.
So i'm left feeling more than slightly abandoned. I try not to
feel sorry for myself. I'm doing well in school and i involve
myself in drama music and sports. but at the end of the day it's
like part of me isn't there. It's alsmost like my mind is trying
to tell me that i was happier when i was the rebel and fuck up of
the group........Makes it that much more tempting to go back to
the old ways.
===
I am a cutter....and it's all i have left 8/18/2002
1 year. 1 year ago to the day i took the knife and made the first
cut. Ever since then my life has been a living nightmare. I have
no place to go. By law i cannot talk to anyone about what is
going on with this custody battle.But i broke the law and wrote
an entry about it because i couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm tired. I'm tired of going on with life. Not sleeping, not eating not interested in anything. I don't want to go on anymore. And no one even cares.
===
Am i allowed to talk now? 8/18/2002
Dear God~
I don't know why i'm writting this letter to something i
really don't believe in. I've kept my opinions and feelings abou
tyou quiet most of my life out of respect for my church going
friends. But now i'm gonna say my peace before i go and do
something really stupid and probably illegal which may even kill
me.
I don't know if your real but i hop ethat if you are are you
hear my words and disapear.
My biggest thing with you is your bible. Or so called book
that explains you and all that jazz.
You are very judgmental. And you need to fuck off about that.
where do you get off by saying you love everyone but hate gays. I
am not gay, but i am related to peope who are and personaly i
would think that if someone finds love no matter with who, that
you of all people would be happy for them and would celebrate
that love because there is another happy person in the world. We
have enough straight people in this world to reproduce and enough
technology for gays and lesbians to reproduce as well without
fucking a guy whom they didn't love.
ANd why in the hell did you save people way back when, but you
let people suffer now. Seems like you did a whole lot of showing
yourself a million years ago or whenever it was that you showed
yourself to moses and friends but you fail to show up now.
And what right do you have coming in here and supposadly
saying shit about a second coming and making the people who
aren't going to bend to your every wish suffer.
If you grant free will then abide by it buddy. I think your a
fucking asshole and in all reality this letter is pointless
because as soon as i'm done writting it i'm going to be going
back to going a perfectly happy atheist.
I'd worship the devil before standing anywhere in your
presence. Which is nonexistant as far as i'm conserned. At least
the devil would accept everyone with open arms. SO FUCK YOU.
===
chronic insomniac.....bored out of my mind 8/18/2002
It's 4 fucking o'clock in the morning and i haven't slept but 3
of 37 hours. I'm tired but i can't close my eyes. I'm awake but
every movment is like it's in slow motion.
I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP!!! i'm bored, I'm grumpy i know
i won't be able to sleep once the sun comes up,
Is there something wrong with me? I mean this sucks. Maybe i
shoudl try to go and con something stronger then somiex from my
doc......hmmm.
From another diary....
i've always wondered what it would be like to have real
parents. even just some that go away and are never home. at least
they show they care about u by coming home and wanting to spen
all their time with you. my parents couldn't give a fuck about me
@ all. i know you are saying "they do" but get fucked.
i want your parents. i know you may think ur parents are not that
perfect, but i would give anything for anyone else's parents. i
try my hardest. but how can i be the perfect girl they want me to
be they read my diary. yup. and my poetry and
they don't believe i wrote it.i guess i am not what they want me
to be. when i got my school report i bawled my eyes out. why?
because i was so worried they were going to kill me cause of my
marks. and it depresses me that i have to be so worried bout what
my parents would think. i want to have the pressure of parents
off me. i'd love to have more time to do other things. if my
parents knew i was going out with Jason i'd be banned from seeing
him forever. i am "15" and i am "too young"
to have a boyfriend. *pft* so can i plz have ur
parents???<P>
===
I don't feel well right now...Matter of fact, I feel like drawing a sharp edge against the smooth flesh on my wrist. It would feel nice...and it would make me so much better.
I feel empty. Like I am missing something...something I can
never catch because I view it as something off limits to me. Like
I am not good enough to have it. Not now, and not ever. I am
undeserving...I suppose. But, sometimes I want it. Enough so that
it pulls deep within my belly and makes me emotionally sick. I
don't know...I'm not, that is all. I mean, I'm very aware of my
surroundings. But, it seems I am...emotionally confused...? I
know what I want, but I dare not speak it here. It is better not
to let it slip past my lips. I'll regret saying it...that is all.
I know I will. Besides, anyone could use it against me if I say
it.
Hmm...My faceless being wrote to me. Funny how nonexistent
they are, and yet...I care about them more than anything, I
suppose. I don't know. I guess it is because...I depend on them
to hold me up. They're my savior at the moment. The one thing I
use to support myself against so I don't become entirely engulfed
by my insanity is this person...and I care about them
dearly...but it seems I cannot do anything for them. They wrote a
letter to me. One that was full of truth and pain...and I don't
think they truly meant to write it. I think they only wrote and
sent it because they thought I was away and wouldn't receive it.
They even mentioned unsending it...but it is too late now. I
don't think my letter contained anything that could help, them
though. They're so lost inside themselves that they cannot cope
with life. They're numb...and I can't do anything to help...
Sigh...
I'm useless. If I can't help the one person I care about most,
what good am I? I can't even give them advice because I fear I
will make it worse for them, or that they will become upset with
me, or that I will be too emotional instead of sucking it all up
and wearing a blank expression, and relpying with comments like:
"Oh, yeah, that sucks." I don't know...I'm stupid and
selfish, that is all. It is as if...I don't know. I can't fix
them, that is all. And when they suffer, it hurts, because if
they snap and kill themselves, where will I be?
I know where...
I'll be lying in a pool of tears and blood. Or within
oblivion...
I'm a horrible friend.
===